Routines hep structure our lives and the lives of our kids. So when holidays come around it can be hard to stick to routines when there are so many activities, traditions and excitement competing for our time and attention. Alyssa gives us great insight into how we can make routines work while still enjoying the hustle and bustle of the holidays.
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Jen: Hello and welcome to the Parents Place, a podcast put out by The Family Place for parents to develop skills that will strengthen families and provide tools that will help each of us in our parenting efforts. No matter our skills, we can always use reminders that help us work towards a safer, happier home. I'm your host, Jennifer Daly, the education director at The Family Place and my co-host is Sara Hendricks, a family educator at The Family Place. Every week, we will interview professionals that will provide valuable information that will make a difference when you apply it directly to your life. Thank you for joining us. Now, let's get started with today's episode.
Welcome to the Parents Place podcast. I am the host, Jen Daly, and here is Sara Hendricks, our co-host.
Sara: Howdy.
Jen: We hope that everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and you and your families are staying safe and healthy. Today we are talking about the importance of keeping a routine during the holiday season. We are lucky to have Alyssa Stevenson with us, who is going to give us some valuable information about routines. Alyssa, can you tell us a little bit about yourself?
Alyssa: Yeah, of course. So I am a student at Utah State University. I'm studying human development and family studies. I work in the kids place at The Family Place. I'm a support staff. I've worked there for about four and a half months now, and I'm super excited to be here.
Sara: Well, welcome, Alyssa. We're so excited to have you here. I personally am really excited about this topic. I know for myself, my family is kind of hit and miss with our routines, and when we are using routines, I feel like our family just functions so much better. But it just depends on the stage that we're in for how those routines are working. Like during pregnancy and newborn, it's really hard for me to stick to routines. And it takes me a long time to get back into them. And so I'm excited to talk more about this. So let's just start out with what is the difference between a schedule and a routine?
Alyssa: OK, so I would say the biggest difference between a schedule and a routine is just that a schedule has to do with time. There's a time associated with every event and it's planned out and you have a set time for everything. You usually write it down. And it's also something that really can only be followed for about a day at a time or even Monday through Friday. You have the schedule and everything follows the time you have to do the same thing at the same time, where, on the other hand, a routine is more of a regular thing that you do as part of your daily habits. It's something that you do so often that you don't really have to put much time into thinking about it. You don't have to plan it out. You don't have to put it on your planner. You, you just have are used to doing this every day. The other thing that I would say the difference between a schedule and a routine is simply that there's not as much flexibility in a schedule. With a routine it's very flexible. A routine is something that you can do throughout your day. It doesn't have to always be at the same time, your routines don't have to go in the same order. And so that's really just the biggest difference between a routine and a schedule.
Jen: I always think of routines and what mine are throughout the day, and the biggest one for me, I guess, is for when I'm in the shower. It is shampoo, my hair, first conditioner, wash my face, you know, do the rest, get out, brush my teeth. And if I miss a step, then I worry. Like there was one day where I forgot to brush my teeth. And I live about an hour away from work and so the whole time I was driving to work, I was freaking out about the fact that I hadn't brush my teeth. And I'm thinking, no one, I can feel like little sweaters on my teeth, and they're gross, and I sure hope I don't see anybody when I first walk through the door. And luckily, I didn't. And luckily, I keep a toothbrush and toothpaste in my drawer at work. And so I was able to do that. But how that just skipping that small step, probably because I was in a hurry, can really cause so much anxiety, I guess, within my life. So it's nice to know that they can be flexible and it doesn't have to be done all the time the same way, but routines are important. So why is it so important to keep a routine during the holidays? You would think that some people want to kind of relax on everything during the holidays, but why is it important to keep them?
Alyssa: So the holidays can be chaotic for everyone. It seems like everyone is more stressed during the holidays. They have more things to do more, shopping more, just spending more time with people and it's just more room for stress. And the point of routines is to kind of lower that stress. If you have a routine in your life it takes away some of that stress. One of the biggest things that I think that it's important to keep a routine during the holiday is that it clears up your mind. If you have a routine for, I don't know, maybe your chores and like the things that you need to do around your house, laundry and dishes, and all of those things that just an added stress to most people's lives. If you have a routine for doing those, then you don't have to worry about that. Routines will help you when you're busy with all of the things that you have to do in your life, and the routines are supposed to help you so that you don't have to stress about getting all of those things done. They’re off your plate, they're off your mind. And so you can focus on spending time with your family and spending time with the people around you. You don't have to stress, so that's the biggest reason why routines are so important is just that it clears up your mind. I know for me as a student, I have so many things on my mind all the time, but if I have a routine of knowing when I'm going to do my homework for a certain class. If I know that every Wednesday night, I get my homework done for this one class, then I don't have to worry about it the rest of the week. I just know that I have a time set aside for that. I have a routine for that in my life, and then it's less stress off of my shoulders. Another reason to keep routines during the holidays is that children really do respond to routines. I work in the kids place and so I have a lot of experience with children and knowing what helps them when they are feeling a little bit stressed and routines is the number one thing we go to is if they can follow a routine, then they will respond to those cues. For example, children, if you have a bedtime routine for your children, if they don't seem like they're tired, especially if you've been to a party, they've been playing with friends, they've been you've been out and about, and it seems like your routine is all off. If you can come home and start that bedtime routine, even if they don't seem like they're tired, your children will respond to those routines and they'll probably fall asleep. So I just have found it super helpful for me to have routines, especially as a student and going to school and working. Just having routines is something that frees up my space and my time so that I can spend time with the people that I love.
Jen: I love how you were saying that even though you may be going to these parties and things like that to come home and still do that bedtime routine is really important. Kids really do thrive off of that predictability, and those routines really do create a sense of safety within their lives.
Sara: That's something that I've noticed with my own kids. When we are out of our routines because of those stages that we're in, I feel like my family just functions so much less smoothly if I make sense, then when we're in a routine. We recently added something into our bedtime routine that I didn't think my kids would be very excited about, and they've actually responded really well, and they remind me all of the time that we still need to do it every evening and that really surprised me. But I think that they just really enjoy that we have something specific that we've added in that allows us to spend time together as a family. And so it's become something that they look forward to. So here's where it gets tricky, though. We're talking about holidays and how it gets so busy. And I think about holidays for me, the whole month of December, it just feels like there's so much filled and packed into every day. Whether it's the school Christmas programs that each grade does, each of my kids have a separate day that they perform something with their class, or if it's work parties or family parties, different gatherings, things that are happening within the community that we like to attend. It makes our evenings so much busier that when I think about our bedtime routine, a lot of times it's okay we’re home, get in bed, it’s late, you know? And so how can parents still stick to their routines during that like hustle and bustle of the holidays with all of those late nights that we have?
Alyssa: Now you bring up a good point, Sara, that it really is tricky to stick to your routines, especially when you've got all of those things going on in your life. It's hard to stick to those routines, even if you know how important they are and how much they help your life run smoothly. Some of my ideas of how to stick to your routine is just make your routines as natural as possible. If you can make a routine that just fits with what you're already doing in your life, then you're more likely to keep doing that routine. Maybe you have a bedtime routine, but maybe you can create a smaller routine for bedtime. Even so, on those nights when you come home late at night, you can still do a couple steps of your routine. Maybe they they have to still brush their teeth, or maybe they have to do whatever you want it to be. Try to try to still stick to what you already have, just maybe make it a little bit more flexible. And that was the other point that I wanted to bring up is just when you're creating your routines or when you are, maybe you're this is new to you and you've never even thought about adding routines into your life when you're creating them, make routines that are flexible and that allow for flexibility in your life. If you know that you're going to be busy during the holidays and most people are more busy during the holidays, just prepare for that and maybe make a plan for yourself to say OK, like at the beginning of the day, if you know that you're going out, you're going to have a party later that night, maybe have a routine that you can still do, even if you're going to end up coming home late. Or maybe maybe you can change it up and you have, if you have little kids and you don't want to do a bedtime routine when you come home, have a routine for the drive home and maybe do some of those things on the car ride home just so that you can have that connection with each other.
Sara: So I really like that you said to do that in the cart because one thing that I was thinking about as you're talking is I read to my kids every night and that's the first thing to go when it's a busy night is that there's just not time to read a chapter to them out of the book that we're reading. And so I was thinking those nights that I know that we're going to be out late, we could move that up in the day and maybe we do it before we go out. Even though it's not technically part of the bedtime routine now, it's still something that we get done that my kids love participating in, but I like that idea of doing it in the car. I could totally read out loud to them in the car, on the way home as part of that bedtime routine. So I love that suggestion.
Alyssa: Yeah, and that's that's the whole difference between a routine and a schedule is that the routine can be flexible. You can use the routine however you need it right, and you're going to have to get creative with your routines if you want to stick to them in the holidays. But you can do it, and especially if you keep your routine simple. That's also something you can do during the holidays.
Jen: I too love that idea of reading or starting your bedtime routine on the way home from something, I never would have thought of doing that, but that's a great idea. So if parents are unable to keep their routines, what's something that they can do to help their day or night run smoother? Because we talk about how this creates safety and things like that and kids like predictability. But like you said, not all the time we can keep with our routine. So how can they make their days or nights run smoother when they don't go along with their routines?
Alyssa: OK, yeah, it's it's definitely tricky to know how to make your day run smoother if you can't stick to your routine, especially if it's unexpected, maybe you wake up late one morning and you can't do your morning routine. How do you make sure that the rest of your day goes smoother? I would say just the biggest thing that you can do is to just still make sure you're taking care of yourself throughout the day. If you have a really busy day and you're unable to stick to some of the routines, you have, try to take time for yourself to make sure you're eating, that you are getting enough food so that your brand can still function throughout the day. I'm not an expert on this, but like mindfulness, just spending just a couple minutes to just refocus and especially if the morning goes bad and then you get through the rest of your day and you're just not running smoothly, it's OK to take a couple of minutes and just maybe sit in your room by yourself for two minutes to breathe deeply and shift your mindset so that you can have a more positive attitude throughout the day. I've found for me, I've definitely had multiple days where just things do not go as I plan. I wake up and I forgot I had a test that I didn't take or I missed out on a homework assignment. And that's just something that has really helped me is to just recognize that there's nothing I can do about it. I didn't stick to that routine. I didn't get a chance to do it, but I can still focus on the rest of my day and making the rest of my day go well. I can have a good attitude having a positive attitude and just like positive thoughts about my day is something that has really helped me. It sounds kind of crazy and you you hear people say it all the time, and it's kind of hard to think, Oh, well, if I have a positive attitude, how's that really going to help? Just try it. It’s something that has really made a big difference in my life. I also would suggest maybe having a little routine for yourself, for when you can't stick to the other ones. Maybe that routine is that like, OK, we didn't get to do our morning routine, but we can take a couple of minutes to do this other routine. It sounds kind of crazy, but you can get creative with how you build your routines in your family's life. And if you can find ways to refocus and focus on what things you have during the day that you can do, that's going to help your day and night run smoother.
Jen: I really like that because I just think about how often we're so down on ourselves for forgetting something, or if we don't do a normal routine with our kids, then we feel like the whole day is ruined and we just get really negative and down on ourselves. And if we can stop and say, you know, OK, it's all right, we missed it today, we'll do it tomorrow and everything will be all right. Pick yourself up. I think we have to forgive ourselves and be kind to ourselves when things just don't go right because there's never going to be a perfect day. And so I like having that plan for when you can't do your regular routine, but you can do something else. And maybe that routine is saying five positive things about yourself because of the fact that you forgot to do the other routine just to keep yourself in that positive frame of mind.
Sara: I really love that, Jen. The switching what that routine is, maybe you didn't get to your normal routine, and so you substitute something else in of just being kind to yourself. I know that I am definitely guilty with my own self-talk. That probably needs to be a podcast topic because we all could probably use some positive reminders of being kind to ourselves. It sounds to me like a big thing with routines is being intentional with your time. And I love that a lot of times what we talk about in each episode will play back to other episodes that we've had. So mindfulness was mentioned. That's something that's so important that we need to be working on and being in the moment. And there's a whole podcast episode about mindfulness. So if you haven't heard that one, definitely go back and check it out. I feel like it's episode six or seven, maybe, but that's a good place to learn more about mindfulness if you're unfamiliar with it. So, Alyssa, do you have any tips for how parents can create routines and put them into practice?
Alyssa: Yeah, I do. The biggest thing to think about when adding routines into your life is to think about the needs of your family. Think about the times that things run really smoothly and that you don't really have to think very much about making sure that you get everything done, that things just happen to fall into place. Look at those times and observe and try to figure out what is it during those times that's making it run smoothly? And then when you're thinking about the times that maybe are a little bit busier or hectic, maybe those are some times that you can add some of those routines from the times that are a little bit more calm in your life goes into your busy times. Because obviously something is working there and trying to figure out what it is so that you can add it to your busy and hectic times. But if you are really thinking about the needs of what of your family and what areas in which you need extra structure that is a good place to put your routine. Some areas are places that you could consider adding routines to is in the morning. A lot of people really like having a morning routine. I know Jen talked about her morning routine, like when she showers, she does the same process. She brush their teeth. She has a morning routine, and if she doesn't do it, it kind of feels off for her. But when she does follow that routine, I'm sure it makes her day run so much smoother. For me, I have a nighttime routine. I have something that I do every night that helps me calm down and get ready for sleeping. And that's something that is really important to me is making sure I have enough sleep so that I can run the next day and I can do everything that I need to. Another area that you could consider adding a routine is mealtimes. If your family is eating mealtimes together, then maybe consider adding a routine there, you can talk to your children, you can have certain things that you do at mealtimes. And then that's flexible, if you're eating a meal at a party, you can still do that routine. You don't have to worry about missing out on a routine like that. Some other areas to consider adding routines, is with homework. I know homework is a big one for a lot of kids and a lot of families is making sure they get their homework done. And if you add a routine to it, then eventually your children will start responding to those routines. And then there's a lot less fighting with homework, and then there's a lot less stress. I know growing up, I used to fight with my mom all the time about doing my homework. It was such a big issue because she wanted me to do it right when I got home from school. But that was it just didn't work for me. I needed some downtime before I could start working on my homework, and that's what we ended up doing, is I took 10, 15 minutes where I got a snack and then I started working on my homework and that really just turned things around for me. And it's something I still do here at the university. After I come home from all my classes, I come home and I take a little bit of time before I get into my homework, and that's a routine that I have developed. Some other areas and things that you could consider when you're creating your routines is if your children are struggling for connection. I know that's a big thing is that children just need that connection with their parents. So just make a routine where you can spend time with your children. Maybe that's after school. Maybe it's the meal time. Maybe it's at bedtime, but just make sure that you, you make a routine where you can have a connection with your child. That's a good place that you could add a routine. Some other ideas that we use at the kids place is we just make sure that we have calming activities that we add as part of our schedule at the kids place. Because that's something that like kids, especially during the holidays, they're going to get rowdy, there's just so much more for them. When I talk to parents, that's the biggest thing that they talk about is that their kids go crazy in the holidays. But if you can make a routine where they have some calming activities, that's going to help also. So some natural calming activities are crafts, sports, even if you can let your kids go outside and run and play like, that's going to help them calm down a little bit. Reading, music, even yoga, and that can be a part of their routine. But it's just when you're creating routines, you just have to make sure that you're being flexible and that you're really considering exactly what your family needs and having areas where it's going to help your family.
Jen: You know, Alyssa, I had a thought while you're talking about homework and how you didn't like doing homework right when you came home from school, when you were younger. And I always like to put myself in kids shoes and say, ‘Would I like this if it was asked of me?’ And I would never want to start working again, right when I got home, I would want that break to have a snack or to just sit and maybe play a game for a minute or something like that. Just to break that up. I can't imagine what is going through kids' minds when we say, OK, you just spent six, seven hours in school, now sit down and do another two hours of homework. So I love that you brought that up and having a routine around that homework. I've coming home, talking to your kids, having that connection, just having some downtime before you jump right into doing homework again. So I really like that.
Alyssa: Yeah. And that's another thing too, is when you are looking to add routines to your family, make sure that you include your children in that process. If you have children old enough to contribute and if they have ideas, let them help because they're definitely going to be more interested in following that routine if they're part of the process. That's something that children probably will really respond to. If you can let them have a choice and let them be a part of that, then it's more of a it's a whole family thing instead of just you as a parent or you as the adult making this routine for your family.
Jen: Thanks for that. I really like that. So what happens when parents can't follow through with routines because of all the activities they're involved in and things like that during the holidays? But how can they help their child's behavior during that time?
Alyssa: So the biggest piece of advice that I have for managing and working with child behavior, especially when it's maybe harder than usual, especially because of those holidays and things that you're doing, is to try to be more proactive than reactive. If you know that your day is going to be a little bit crazier than normal, be proactive about it. Don't wait until your child is throwing a tantrum and really needs to just go home and sleep before you try to do something about it. If you know your child has certain tics and things that make them upset, try to plan in advance for those. If you know that your day is going to be a little bit different than normal, try to prepare your child for that and put things in place before the behavior happens. So if you know they're going to be really tired, bring some of their favorite toys or bring something for them to do, if at all possible. So another thing you can do is give your children choices whenever that's possible. If you maybe they can't choose what outfit they're wearing when they go to a party. I know with two and three year olds, that's something that parents always talk about is that it's so difficult to try to get your child in an outfit that looks nice and in time so that you can leave for your party or whatever it is you need to go to. But maybe you can just offer offer choices for the child. Maybe you don't get to choose what shirt and pants they're wearing, but they can choose what jacket they get to wear, or they get to choose which shoes they get to wear. And you can, especially with like younger kids, if you just give them two options, so say it's shoes. They can't choose their outfit, but they can choose their shoes, give them two choices and say, you can wear these shoes or you can wear these shoes. And that's something that really will help child behavior, especially when they can't stick to their normal routine. If they feel like they have an area where they can control, that's going to help children feel so much more empowered. And ultimately, they're going to have better behavior, which is what parents are always striving for, right? They want their children to be happy, and they don't want to have to work through a tantrum in the middle of the store or in the middle of a Christmas party. So another idea and another thing that we use at the family place in the kids place all the time when working with children who have some behavior and they're not happy, they're not feeling, they don't want to do whatever it is they're supposed to do. As we use this process, it's called label validate and coach as a way you can talk to children that helps them understand what they're supposed to do and what they're not supposed to do. Maybe the child is really sad and they're crying in the corner, or they're crying in the car and you can't get them out of the car to go out to the party. The labeled part is you label what they're feeling. You say, ‘Oh, it seems like you're feeling really sad’, or ‘it seems like you're feeling really disappointed.’ And then you validate their their feelings and you tell them that it's OK to feel that way. It's OK to feel sad. So you say, ‘Oh, it seems like you're feeling really sad and you don't want to go into the party, and that makes sense because it's not very fun. There's not things for you to do. But let's think of some things that we can do that will make it fun.’ And so that's the coach part is you can coach them of how they can handle their feelings or what things that they can do. So you say, ‘It seems like you're feeling really sad because you don't want to go into the party, and that makes sense because it might not be very fun for you. But we still have to go in there. So let's think of a fun way that we can walk into the building or whatever it is that you have to go to.’ And it seems crazy it takes a little bit of time to figure this process out, but in the kids place, it works over and over. If you label what they're feeling, you validate their feelings, you let them know that it's OK for them to feel that way, and then you give them coaching and you tell them like what they can do. Then they respond to that, and it's amazing. So I would say, try it out.
Sara: Oh man, Alyssa, you shared so many gems right there. Like everything, I'm over here like taking notes so that I can remember these things as I'm thinking about what's coming up in the holiday season and how I can be better prepared for all those different things that might throw us out of our routine. I love that label, validate, and coach that you were talking about. That is so good. Kids need their feelings to be validated. While it may not make sense for us why they're throwing this fit, to actually validate how they're feeling. To say I understand that you feel this way and then coach them to change their mindset and make it more fun or exciting for them, that is so valuable. I loved that suggestion of preparing your child for whatever situation you're headed into, especially if you know that what you're about to do triggers certain behaviors for your kids, maybe they don't enjoy sit down dinners with grown ups, but that's what you're headed into to prepare them for that and to talk about appropriate behaviors. And then I also think while you're there to focus on the positive behaviors that you're seeing instead of constantly pointing out the negative. Stop doing this. Don't do that. That's not OK. To focus on I really like that you're sitting here so quietly or attentively or whatever, you know, to help focus on the positives so that they have a more positive experience and it just helps connect for them what you want them to do. To focus on those good things, to give them that attention because whether you're focusing on the positive or the negative, they're getting attention either way. But when we're focusing on the positive, it's telling them those are the behaviors we're looking for. OK, so do you have any success stories where maybe even in your own life with kids that you've worked with or with parents and teaching them about routines, where they've been able to implement putting a routine into place and that it's helped change or guide their family in a different direction?
Alyssa: Yeah, so I have a couple of different examples of this. The first one is just in the kids place. That's something that we really work hard to do is to make sure that we have routines in the kids place. So whenever we have children come, they know what to expect and they know what's going to be there. So whenever the children come into the kids place, one of our routines that we have is they, as soon as they come in and the whole group is there, we sit down and we make a schedule together. We decide which activities we're going to do. And then we follow that schedule, and that's just one of the routines we have there. We also have routines set in place for the comfort corner too, so that the children understand every week they come, it's the same routine over and over again, and it becomes a safe place because of those routines that we put in. And that's the biggest goal of the kids place is to make sure that we have a safe place for the kids to be. Another example is just the interactions that we have with parents. That's something that we try to do at the kids places. We always try to teach the parents about the routines that we're doing. And so that they can use those routines at home. So then it's just following the children wherever they go. And that is just one more reason for them to feel safe and feel like they have control over their life because they have those routines in place. And I just I've worked with clients who have when they first come and they haven't really had a routine when they first come. And we show the children the routines that the kids place and then we teach their parents. And over the couple of months that I've had these, these few children in the kids place, I've really seen them respond and they just seem so much more calm. They know what to expect, and their family just seems to be more connected because of it, too. So that's just something that I've noticed that routines really can change our lives. They can really help us to feel more in control, feel less stressed, and feel like we can actually do this even though life is crazy.
Sara: Well, we are out of time. But Alyssa, I feel like you have shared so much valuable information about routines. The biggest takeaway I feel like is to understand that routines are flexible and schedules are time bound. And so with your routine, if it doesn't work out, you can change it. You can just do bits and pieces of it. But also remember that if you don't get to your routine at all that day to just be kind to yourself and pick up again tomorrow, that it’s still OK. If you have any questions and need to contact Jen or myself, you can email us at parents @thefamilyplaceuta.org. And you can also send us a voice recording on our anchor website, which will be linked in the show notes for any of your parenting questions. We do look forward to doing an episode that includes those questions your voice can be in the podcast. I think that's pretty exciting, so definitely send those in before we create that episode. That is all that we have time for today, but we look forward to having you join us again next week.
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