2021 was another year full of twists and turns! We wanted to close it by bringing back this wonderful end-of-year episode from last year. This episode has so many gold nuggets of wisdom in it and we felt it was worth a replay. In it, Esterlee helps us see the positives and gives us ways to plan for the new year!
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Jen: Hello and welcome to The Parents Place, a podcast put out by The Family Place for parents to develop skills that will strengthen families and provide tools that will help each of us in our parenting efforts. No matter our skills, we can always use reminders that help us work towards a safer, happier home. I'm your host, Jennifer Daly, the Education Director at The Family Place and my co-host is Sara Hendricks, a family educator at The Family Place. Every week, we will interview professionals that will provide valuable information that will make a difference when you apply it directly to your life. Thank you for joining us, now, let's get started with today's episode.
Sara: Welcome back to The Parents Place podcast, I'm your host, Sara Hendricks,
Jen: I'm Jen Daley, your co-host.
Sara: I'm so excited about today's special guests. Her name is Esterlee Molyneux, and she is very well known and loved in our local community. And for those of you who are unfamiliar with her, I feel very confident to say that by the end of this episode, you will love her just as much as the rest of us do. Esterlee, will you go ahead and give us an introduction?
Esterlee: Thank you so much for having me on The Parents Place podcast, this is definitely a force for good in our community, and I'm grateful to be part of it. I have been with The Family Place for 25 years in a variety of different capacities and what a blessing to work at a place that has my whole heart and my passion. I'm married three children and so glad to be here today.
Jen: Well, I am so excited to have Esterlee here today, I've worked with her for 16 of her twenty-five years and I have loved every minute of it. She's a huge example to me and a mentor and grateful for her to be here today. She's going to be talking to us about how we can find the positives and say goodbye to 2020. And this is a topic that I really need, I know in past episodes I've kind of alluded that I've been having a hard time this year, and so I'm really excited to learn how to find the positives from this year. So how do we stay focused on the positive when everything seems so blindly negative, Esterlee?
Esterlee: Okay, so this is what I know is that our thoughts create our feelings. So, in a year that maybe feels so blindingly negative, how do we refocus our thoughts to create feelings that serve us instead of hinder us? So, there's an exercise that I recently learned about that has been very impactful for me, so do this along with me in your minds. What if I asked you to write out a list of 25 things that you really, really want? If you could have any 25 things in the world, what would those be? So, you're thinking about that for a moment now most people, when I've done this exercise, most people who write this list out, they write down what they want on the list, which was the assignment, but not one thing on the list is something that they already have. So, think about that for a minute, most of us don't spend time wanting what we already have. So, for example, I want to have a stable, wonderful, positive marriage, I want to be able to get a drink of clean water whenever I want, I want a safe place to live that protects me from the elements. So, when I first wrote out my list, I didn't have those things down, I wrote down a bunch of things that I didn't have that I wanted. So, the difference is wanting from a place of scarcity versus a place of abundance. So now review your list of 25 things, and the challenge is to rewrite that list and now every other thing on that list should be something that you already have. It's a different kind of energy, so it's a proven method of boosting happiness and again, coming from the mindset of abundance. I think one other question we can ask ourselves along with that is what if we woke up tomorrow with only the things that we were grateful for today? You know what is it in my life that I'm noticing and I'm appreciative and have gratitude for versus, I wish I had this and this and this and this. So, it really is a different kind of energy and it helps us to stay focused on the positive when that is what we are intentionally looking for.
Jen: My mind is just blown, I just got goosebumps that 25 list, because my mind did go to everything that I don't have and that I'm wanting. And to stop and think about the twenty-five things, at least half of those things of what I already do have simply amazing, and it does change your mindset. And this is something I'm going to have to continually practice because apparently, I learned through repetition.
Sara: I'm with you, Jen, listening to that was like, oh my goodness. Like, we don't even need to continue this episode, that was gold right there. That was amazing, I think that we get so used to everything that we have that we take it for granted and we don't even think about that, that really is an amazing blessing that we have it. I totally had a first world problem experience a few weeks ago when the power went out in the town that I live in, and it was right at that time that window that I needed to go pick my kids up from school and I could not open up the garage like the manual lever would not work, and I couldn't get my car out the garage to go pick my kids up from school. And usually my kids will call me at the end of the day just to make sure I remember to get them. I don't know why they have this fear that I'm not going to pick them up because I do every single day, but I was kind of anticipating that phone call. And it was a crazy windstorm outside, it wasn't quite raining yet, but it was getting there and I decided I'm going to walk to pick them up from school and they will call me and meet me halfway. I'm not going to have to go the whole way to their school, and I grab my three-year-old and we start walking and we get outside the neighborhood and I think that was really dumb that I didn't grab the stroller like this is going to take forever. But in my race to get them I didn't even think to grab the stroller and then as we're crossing the street, I realize they can't call me because they're calling from a landline. They're elementary school, they don't have cell phones, we have no way to contact each other. So, it was like this first world problem from start to finish, it was a big disaster, calling my husband, he's at work trying to get him to be able to go get the girls from school. Anyway, in that moment, I felt so thankful for power like I, you don't even realize how important it is until it's gone.
Esterlee: You know, personally, I have been suffering from immense pain in my feet for the last two and a half years with little to no relief. And I have felt so overwhelmed and frustrated over that, going to every specialist, every doctor can't figure it out. And then I heard a woman speak who was a world-renowned athlete, had an accident, and she became paralyzed. But what struck me the most about her story because I was for sure thinking that she would say I really missed being as active as I have been now that I am in a wheelchair but what her message was, I miss being able to put my feet in the sand and feeling the sand between my toes. And that really was an aha moment for me that I still have feet that work, they may be painful, but I can still feel the sand between my toes. So, my list maybe is instead of saying I want my feet to stop hurting, I can be grateful that I can walk and feel the sand between my toes.
Sara: Yeah, that is really great, so as we look back on 2020, obviously it was hard for all of us. And so, do you have thoughts of just positives, positive takeaways from 2020 that we can look back on and see the good that did come out of 2020?
Esterlee: This question was interesting to me because probably three months ago, I was so sick and tired of the coronavirus. I mean, it's impacting everything, and I was looking at the negative, and I actually wrote out a list of every positive thing that has come out of the virus, and it was very empowering to me personally. Our brains are really, really good at noticing what we don't want or what's not right or what we need to stop doing, but the things that we focus on are the things that we give our energy to attention and power. And so, I noticed when I wrote out my personal list like I already felt boosted in my mood, so mine was more time with my family, less wear and tear on my car. I've tried new recipes, we were not eating out as much. So many fond memories of just silly things that have happened inside of our home that would not have happened without the pandemic. We've been able to slow down to be more purposeful, and I'm a huge fan of wearing sweatpants. I don't know about you guys, not that we want to do that every day for the rest of our lives, but I've just found my comfort with the way I'm dressing. So, you know, the takeaway is the positives can range, but my suggestion would be to write out a list of the positives that have happened to you personally in your life, reflect on those.
Sara: Yeah. So, I feel like it's definitely personal what positives we can take out of this past year and something that happens for me in May that could be considered very negative and honestly, I had a lot of your feelings when it happened was that our dog of 10 years passed away. And I thought, what a cruel thing in this year for that to happen to us. Sorry, I'm not going to get emotional, I don't know if you have had pets and love your pets, but this was a first pet for me and he was our first baby. We had him before we had children, and so it was very hard for me when he died and it was so hard that it had to happen in 2020 when you just need that comfort and love of a pet. And instead of focusing on that frustration and anger of blast this 2020 year, I looked at it at a different perspective and realized that if it wasn't for what's been going on in 2020, we would not have been home constantly with him until those last days when he died. And we got so much extra time with him because we were a home, and I truly treasure that. So that for me, instead of focusing on all the negative and frustration, focusing on that amazing gift is what it feels like now we got that extra time with him.
Jen: Sara, for some reason, I just feel the tears are going to come this episode.
Sara: Yeah, probably.
Jen: They're like good tears, tears of just talking about the positive just makes you so happy, and learning to look at things in a different way is so powerful. I, as you were talking, I was just thinking, what is something good that's come out of my year and I'm thinking, you know, I'm in a fairly new marriage. It'll be four years in January, and he is home working and I am home working and we're still tolerating each other. We still like each other after being together, I mean, literally twenty-four seven for the past, however many months it's been. And we're still kicking it and we're still going good and still happy and laughing and joking with one another. So that is definitely a big positive that's come out of this year for me and my life. So, coming up on this next year is we know that a lot of us start goals and we want to create New Year's resolution and things like that, but we want to include our kids. So how can parents include the family and setting goals and working together to achieve them?
Esterlee: Well, you already have an excellent suggestion and your question is including your families. So, the easy answer would be, is to sit down with your children and ask them what habit they would like to form. Include them in the discussion, research has shown that if we write down our goals and habits and put them in a visible place, it would increase the likelihood that they will be followed through. Another suggestion involving your children is to pair the goals that you're setting with other routine items. Sometimes I think we get really eager and excited to set goals and starting tomorrow on January 1st, I'm going to change these 22 million things of my life and this time it's going to happen for real! And then on January 1st at 9:30 a.m., we're like, maybe tomorrow, right? So, with our children, I think it's important to involve them in the discussion. Like I was saying, pair the goals with routine items. So maybe an easy one for kids is thinking about the time of day that you brush your teeth, right? It's usually in the morning and then before bedtime, so is there a habit that you can pair with brushing your teeth? Maybe for older children who might have a cell phone, you can set a habit or a goal of you can have your cell phone after you brush your teeth in the morning and you put it away when you brush your teeth at night. So, I think keeping things really, really realistic and knowing that we're not perfect and when we falter on a goal, then we can practice some self-compassion, right? We're just working to be a little bit better than the day before, cutting ourselves some slack.
Jen: I really like the fact that you said, what habit would you like to start? Because so many times we think about what habit do we want to get rid of? And again, that's just going right to the negative of something that we're doing poorly on. And so, I like that you said, what habit do we want to start? And that just puts it in a whole new frame of mind to think about, so.
Esterlee: Circles back to what I just said about how our brains are really good at everything we don't want, but what is it that we do want? You know, I don't want to be overweight, well, I want to be fit. So, it just totally changes the mindset, and the energy behind it.
Jen: Absolutely.
Sara: I feel like that goes right along with in the past and that we talk to talked about how you should talk to your children and not don't do this, don't do that, but instead focus on what they can do. It's the same thing when we're setting your goals, not focusing on what we shouldn't be doing and what we want to give up or be done with a focus on what we do want for ourselves. I love that, I'm a huge believer in vision boards, that is always how we set goals for the year. One year we made a huge poster board and we hung it in the kitchen so that we saw all year long. And it was like an interactive vision board where I had sticker charts on it as we completed things and put stickers on it and it was just a great reminder. Something that seems really silly, I wanted we have, we call it a mud room, it's like a receiving room off of the garage before you enter into the kitchen. And I wanted that to be built out and have a place where my kids could bring their backpacks and clothes and shoes go in there and not have it be a disaster. And when we moved into this house, it was just four walls, there was nothing in there. And a couple of years, nothing was in there, and so we put on the vision board and then it happened that we actually created something in that room. So, having those goals in front of us really makes a difference. Now we have a bulletin board that we make into our vision board every year, and we have a huge goal financially that is on that vision board and are working towards it every single day. Whereas I think if we just set this big financial goal and then never spoke about it again, it's not going to happen. So, putting those goals in front of you really matters. Okay, so I feel like society as a whole, we're talking about 2020 as if when December 30, first at midnight comes, 2020 is done and life will get back to normal. But we know that's not going to be the case as we move into 2021. We're still looking at more of the same and so how can we go into 2021 setting goals when we really don't know what the year is going to hold for us?
Esterlee: Since we're looking at the positive, what's really exciting for 2021 is that we already have a year of experience under our belts, right? And isn’t that so empowering that even though we did not anticipate this pandemic, like we figured it out pretty quickly, you know, the teachers at school put online curriculum together. We were able to get technology into our home so we could work from there. So, I have learned about our society as a whole is that we are adaptable and we are flexible. So, when things spill uncertain, I think it's really important to remember, you know, we had 100 percent success rate so far. We are still here today so every other hard day that we have plowed through, that's been exhausting or overwhelming like we made it. So really, to me, it comes down to focusing on what we can control, and the only thing we can truly control is what's happening internally inside of us. We can choose to have different thoughts, we can choose to respond a different way, we can look at this as variety and we can still continue to find good. We can still find ways to connect with people and again, we can focus on what we can control and that is solely what is inside of each of us individually.
Jen: This is literally how it's been like for the last 16 years of working with Esterlee is always great information, great learning, and I have just loved every minute of it. So, we've talked about this a little bit and we create these goals are habits that we want to have in the new year. How can we stick to them and not have them end by February?
Esterlee: That's a really, really amazing if you make it to February, just based on my own track record. So, you know, let me share this perspective, if you think back to caveman days, right? Their instinct was survival, if they were going to eat or drink that day, it all depended on if they were going to hunt. So, they were very, very motivated. They didn't think very much about the future because their survival depended on the here and now. Even our ancestors had some of these same experiences but nowadays, we like this immediate gratification. You know, when I was a child, I remember, like my parents would buy boxes of cereal, you know, Lucky Charms was my favorite and you always pour your bowl of cereal and put on the milk and then you sit there with the box in front of you and you read the box and then the side and the back panel on the other side. And if you were lucky enough to have that box of cereal that had a little note, cut out the UPC and mail this in for a prize, right? And the prize would come in four to six weeks. I'm like, oh, let's get that in the mail and in a month and a half, I'll get my little 10 cent prize that came from the box of Lucky Charms. Well, that is not the way that we like things to run anymore, right? I can order something on Amazon and it shows up in two days, if I'm bored or if I want to watch a new movie, I just click the power button on my TV and I can stream it. I can pay for it and stream it in a matter of seconds, so your question of how to stick to our goals and not forget about them, I think first, it's an awareness that we are creating our future self. So how do we meet our current needs and plan for the future? So, with the example I just shared of streaming a movie instantly, I need to make a choice. You know, I'm bored, maybe I felt like I worked really hard this week, and I want to watch the new movie. So, do I pay $14 and 99 cents to download a movie right now? Or do I think about my future and put that into savings and watch one of the other 400 movies that I already have? So, to stick to our goals, we really have to figure out what is important for now, but what is also important for our future self. You know, I also think that we need to develop the ability to resist temptation and what science suggests is we do that by hacking our self-control. So, if we can resist temptation or alleviate those things, we make less choices when a choice is in front of us that we don't want to make. I think we often set goals and then have these thoughts in our minds that tomorrow I'll start or Monday I'll start, but it's really challenging to reroute those strong habits that we've already created.
Jen: I was just thinking about Esterlee’s Lucky Charm box, and I totally did that as a kid. My mom took it one step further, and if we had opened up one box of cereal, we weren't allowed to open up another box until that first box was gone, because we lived in Arizona and we only had a swamp cooler and things would go stale really fast if you open them up and that was torture. And so, I think right now it's just everything is at a click of a button pretty much. Just the other day, I ordered one thing for Christmas and I got it in the same day from Amazon and I'm like, Holy cats! How did that happen? But I think this year is really also taught me if I look back on it, it's been probably one of the hardest things that I've had to deal with is we want to buy a home and the housing market is just incredibly crazy right now, especially in Utah. To where you're having to offer so much more money for a house besides what they're asking for. So, I've had to wait and it's really teaching me how to be patient and not have things right now and realizing that comes with anything that we work on. We expect to have a change happen overnight, change never happens overnight. So really having that self-compassion, being kind with yourself, making sure that you're like, okay, it didn't go so great today, but I can do it again tomorrow. So, awesome advice.
Esterlee: I was just thinking about the common goal cycle that we generally tend to experience. So, it's in four different phases, like, first of all, we have this idea, this goal or this habit we want to form and we're super, super excited like this time we're going to do it. Research has shown that the most Googled goal for the new year is weight loss. So, if I plug in this example of weight loss, so the first phase, I'm really excited, this is the time I'm going to eat healthy. I'm going to go to the gym four times a week, I'm not going to eat sugar, white flour, whatever it is that one chooses. But because our brains are creatures of habit and we generally take the path of least resistance, we start to have these thoughts of this is too hard, right? Because we're trying to redirect our brain into a different way. So maybe other thoughts are, well, I didn't expect my neighbors to bring over this plate of cookies, so I'm just going to have a bite. Well, I mean, this will finish the cookie, well, I've blown it today to sign mind, as will eat the whole plate, so I totally messed up my diet, so then tomorrow. Because our brain says this is too hard, and then we start into this process of rationalization. Our thoughts may say, well, it doesn't really matter what I look like, people should love me as I am. I'm just fine as I am, I'm just going to accept me as I am what's? There's a lot of positive things in that, but then we want to feel safe, kind of the next phase of the cycle. So, we kind of shut people out, we start to reflect what's happening on the inside of us and what does it really matter? You know, I really do care about my health, I really want to feel better when I'm older I want to be able to be on the ground and play with my grandkids, right? So, this time, maybe I'll pray, I'll reach out to a higher power, get an exercise partner, I'll do more research or whatever it is. And then we go into the fourth stage where we get really excited again, like, I'm going to take action this time. I have some deep personal insights, I'm going to move forward I’m determined and optimistic and committed. And then we kind of cycle through that again. So, what essentially needs to happen is we've got to reroute our brain because even when things go hard, every time we make progress, even little baby steps in the right direction, that's when we start to change. And it's really also redirecting our thinking of, well, I ate that whole cookie but that doesn't mean that my whole day is ruined. You know, this was a moment, so just like Jen was saying, I think self-compassion is the ultimate key to success in habit forming, I call it habit forming opposed to goal setting.
Sara: There's a quote it was Thomas S. Monson, and it says, sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, I'll try again tomorrow.
Esterlee: Oh, I love that.
Sara: Isn’t that's so good!
Esterlee: I love love that.
Jen: That is a good one.
Sara: I think that we maybe as a society, we're just so driven by instant gratification that we forget that it's okay for things to take time and it's okay to mess up and need to start again. And if we don't reach that goal today, there's still tomorrow and we can try again and again. And those failures are really what molds us into who we are and so it's okay to fail.
Esterlee: I think that habits that we have, we have literally practiced them hundreds of thousands of times. Right, so maybe well, one habit I have is when I get really stressed out, I eat. And so, for me to change that, I get really stressed out, I can take a walk, I can meditate, I can be mindful, I can deep breathe like I am trying to undo hundreds of thousands of practices of going for the bag of chocolate covered cinnamon bears when I'm stressed out. So just understanding it's going to take some time, I think is really critical.
Sara: Definitely. One thing I was also thinking as far as setting goals and trying to stick to them. So, we talked about vision board putting them in front of us so that we can see them but also something that I'm planning to try this next year is I bought a wall calendar like the one where each month you flip it to the next page and I am going to sit down and go through the year and highlight every day that my kids have off from school. And my husband, the days he's going to take off from work or whatever holidays and birthdays and everything and highlight all of those days and make a plan ahead of time. Rather than Memorial Day weekend comes, and I know that it's a long weekend, but we've made no plans and then the weekend escapes us and we don't do anything fun, you know? And so, to put it on a calendar and have that plan a whole year out in advance, hopefully will help us stick to our goals for 2021. So along with these goals of 2021, I also understand that we don't know what's going to happen in our country and with the virus and future lockdowns. And so, we might not get to go on those trips that we're planning or do those fun activities because those businesses are closed for the time being. So how do we keep a positive focus if 2021 continues down that same road as 2020 has?
Esterlee: I have been doing extensive research lately on the concept of happiness and what I think the bottom line is most people want to be happy. You want your children to be happy, you want to feel happy. And I read this quote that's a little bit silly, but pretty meaningful and it said, happiness is like a leaky tire, we can't just pump it up and forget about it, we need maintenance. And so, to stay positive in 2021, I think we need to keep our tires pumped up, right? I don't know that happiness is something that we can just achieve. Positivity is not something that we achieve, and we're done and we have it forever. And so, I think the concepts that we've talked about earlier about coming from a mindset of abundance, looking at what we do have, knowing that we have control about what's on the inside and maybe even more importantly, we have every tool that we need already inside of us. It's just discovering those tools and using them, so I just say regular practice of what you want to achieve. If you want to learn how to play the piano, you've got to practice the piano. If you want to learn how to throw a baseball, you've got to practice throwing the baseball. If you want to be happy and positive in 2021, you've got to practice activities that will bring you happiness and positivity. Anything worth doing requires a lot of work and certainly to be positive and happy is included.
Jen: And here come those tears.
Esterlee: Jen you're amazing, I just adore you!
Jen: Cause I feel like, the next question is about successes, and I just feel like already for me, this has been so helpful to just be reminded to change that frame of mind, to be positive, to really be kind to ourselves. I appreciate that, and I feel like this is my own little success story for today and if I can find success stories in every day, what a change that will make for me. So not saying I'm negative all the time, but it's just been a really hard year and lots of things all at once. And so, this has been really helpful, so do you have any other success stories that you would like to share?
Esterlee: Jen thank you for sharing that, I always appreciate your vulnerability because this has been a challenging year. And when we hear that other people have had some of the same feelings we have, it takes the power away from the negativity like, oh, I'm there with you. So, thank you for that, other success stories I can share with you, something that has certainly impacted my personal life over this last year. There is an app that I purchased online, it was $5 and it's called the five-minute journal, and it sends me daily prompts to write down three things that I'm grateful for and three amazing things that happened that day. And I thought, I need to train my brain to focus on gratitude and what's going well and also in that app, there's the ability to attach one picture a day. And so, I started doing that app last January, and this habit has become so ingrained in my brain that as of December 31st, it will be three hundred sixty five out of 365 days. And because I've done it every day is not necessarily the success but what is the success to me is that I am intentionally looking for what is good in my day, and I've started to journal and I've looked at highs that I've had over the year and lows and the words of advice I would give to my future self-based on my past self. And this has been really an empowering exercise for me. One other guess, brief personal story about setting goals or defining habits is I have a big birthday coming up in two years, I'm turning 50. I do not know how half a century has flown by, but what I decided with the advice from a friend is to write a bucket list of 50 things I want to do by the time I turn 50 and it has been fun to dream and think about these different goals that I'm setting. Some are, spiritually based, some are physically based, some revolve around traveling, but it has been very rewarding to think through things that I personally would like to accomplish and then start working towards them. Some examples are taking pictures of all the homes that I've lived in growing up. Another one that was very fulfilling to me is I thought about a person who really influenced my life as a child, we have not talked to for probably 30 years, and I reached out to her and shared with her how important she was in the trajectory of my life, and it was so neat to reconnect. Writing five 500 thank you cards, reading 50 books. Just different things that I want to accomplish and anybody can do that. But doing these things causes optimism for the future, like, I'm not looking to 2021 saying, Oh, doom, despair, it's going to be worse than ever. But because I can control what's happening internally, I can say, Oh, I can work on this item and this item in this item on my bucket list, and it just gives me this personal sense of fulfillment and accomplishment.
Jen: Well, I want to thank Esterlee for being with us today. I think we have been fed into the abundance of information to be able to take into our lives and make some great changes and new habits. I challenge you to go back to the beginning of the episode and take the advice of writing down our twenty-five wants and then changing it to the twenty-five half of it wants half of it, what do I already have. I feel like there's so much in this podcast that we can listen to over and over again because I'm feeling like for myself, if I just take that twenty-five and focus on what I already have, that's going to be a huge accomplishment. And then I can go back and listen to the podcast and say, okay, this is another little gem I can take from it, and I'm going to work on this one and then do that repetitively. We all learn through repetition, so such great information Esterlee and I appreciate that so much as you all see, you now understand why I have loved working with Esterlee for the past 16 years. We want to thank you for joining us today. You can reach us at Parents@TheFamilyPlaceUtah.org or Sara and I are both on Facebook. Sara Hendricks - The Family Place or Jen Daley - The Family Place. We hope you have a wonderful New Year's Day and that you're able to look forward to the future. Please stay safe and healthy, and we'll see you next time.
Sara: Thanks again for listening. The Family Places a non-profit organization in Logan, Utah, with a mission to strengthen families and protect children. We call ourselves starfish throwers, if you're unsure what that means, refer back to our introduction episode where we explain it. The good news is you can be a starfish thrower too by subscribing to The Parents Place podcast and liking our social media pages. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with others and help us get our message out to more people. Also, be sure to check the show notes for links to information referenced in this episode. That's all for now, but we'll catch you again next time on The Parents Place.
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