Being human means we expierence a range of emotions. It seems like paretning brings out these emotions quite often and more frequent. It is common for us to feel happiness adn ajoy but then to also become stressed, sad, or grumpy. We had a questions submitted asking why parents seem so stressed adn grumpy while at the same time parenting is the bestthing. Jen and Hilary take this question head on ena dn help give insights and auggestions for parents and kids alike.
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Jen: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast with Hilary and Jen.
Hilary: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast, we're excited to have you back here with us today. So, we are on our Ask Away segment, which is our segment where we have been given questions from our community and we get to answer them with wonderful answers that Jen and I come up with that are pure gold. So, take them in and live by the advice that we offer you, right?
Jen: We are golden.
Hilary: So, here's the question that was posed to us; and this is from a disgruntled teenager it sounds like. So he or she says, my parents are always grumpy and on edge and then I hear them tell people that kids are the best decision they've ever made and that they love us and stuff. So why do they seem so grumpy, but then come off so happy and grateful? Is there something that I'm missing? Good question, child. All right.
Jen: I was just talking to someone I can't remember who it was, but talking with them about how adulting is super hard. It’s exhausting, and that includes parenting. And yeah, these kids who want to be adults and feel like they'll be a better thing. Nay, nay. It's just as hard, if not harder, because now you have more people to be in charge of, if you're a parent. And so of course the grumpiness comes, but I don't think it's necessarily the kids.
Hilary: You know, I remember when I was in college and granted when you're in college, you're paying a lot to be there. And so, you kind of feel like just you feel a sense of urgency to get done so that you can finally let go of that tuition and your life. But I remember like rushing through, trying to do as many classes as I could, right, so that I could graduate and graduate early and move on with my life and become an adult and do all the things. That I remember somebody saying to me, ‘Sweetie, do not rush this, but you will realize real soon that you got a long time to be an adult. And this is a very short period of your life where you are a young adult with responsibilities but less responsibilities, like you mentioned. And so, take advantage of this opportunity, take your time and think things through and process and have fun and do all the things, right?’ Because I think sometimes as young adults and like you said, even teens and honestly, sometimes kids, I think we look at adulthood and we're like, ‘I want that.’ That's what all the hard stuff ends, right? That's when I get to make all the decisions on my own. That's where I get to decide what my schedule looks like. I don't have a curfew. I don’t have a bed time. I don't have to do chores. And then you realize, no, we have to still do all those things. Plus we're in charge of making somebody else do all those things too, huh? Mm hmm. So, it may not be as glamorous as we think. I sent a birthday card to my nephew. He recently graduated and it said something about it showed a picture of a guy in a cubicle working and it said like, ‘happy spring break, get used to it.’ You know, something like that because you realize once you become an adult, you're like, ‘Wait a second, I don't have this free week off, where I can do whatever I want.’
Jen: I don't have a free week. I don't have Christmas. You get two weeks, sometimes a week and a half. Summertime you have this whole summer vacation. Not when you're an adult.
Hilary: No. But you know, it's funny, Jen, and I'm sure that you've had this experience as well, too. So, it's a unique conundrum that we are in. Because we both studied family life education and child development. I don't know about you, but I remember going through college and learning all the things and then practicing them, their internships and different programs and thinking like, I have got this down. I am so much more prepared than the regular old Joe that's maybe having kids and maybe hasn't had this experience in these courses to prepare me for this. And I really thought that I was like, ooh, I got a step ahead of the game, right? So, when I had my kids, I mean, I know what to do, and hopefully I can avoid some of the mistakes that many parents make. And then you have kids and you, like every day, continue to eat those words because you realize how wrong you were at that. Yup.
Jen: Yup, yep. I thought as well. I thought, I'm going to be the best parent educator and I'm going to be able to follow through with all of those kids that I am in contact with, and no, life then happens. And you have like these like little moments of greatness because you're on your A-game that day, that lasts for maybe 30 minutes and then the rest of life comes and so, yeah, I had the same thought. But then life comes and then you realize you really begin to realize that children are, every child is different. And what you thought was your game plan is not working on that kid. Mm hmm. So, you have to come up with another game plan, which then makes you just super grouchy because you're like, dang it, I didn't plan for Plan B.
Hilary: And you're starting over. And none of us like to start over. We like comfort, right? We like to be in the comfort zone. We like, you know, the consistency in knowing what to expect. And so, then when you have to start over and try again and create a new plan, it forces us to create new habits. And I don't know if any of us really like to do that. So it's hard and I'll say this and I say this to my parents that I teach, as I'm sure Jen does as well, too. But the reality is that we love being parents, it's the best job we've ever been given, right? We wouldn't trade it for anything. And I think we can all agree because we have those good times and we have those successful moments, right? And it brings us so much joy, more than we would have ever expected. But by golly, it's hard. It's so difficult. And I think that that is the thing that has surprised me probably the most in parenthood, is how much I would stress out about everything. I mean, I knew it was going to be hard. I knew there was going to be stressful times, but I don't think I realized just how much of my time was going to be spent stressing out about my children and how they're doing in school and if they're being wonderful humans and if they have friends and if they're being a good friend and if they're listening to me and if they're listening to others, I need everything, right? And you know, you try not to as a parent, but you kind of just take it all in. And it's hard because it at times feels like a burden. And when we feel constant stress, we're usually not at our happiest. So yeah, sometimes we are grumpy and sometimes it's tough. Sometimes we wish we could take a day or week or month long vacation, but we can’t. So, and we're OK with that. But it is, it's a big added responsibility that we wouldn't take away for anything, but it's a tough responsibility that we have upon us.
Jen: I think one thing that kids don't understand is they were a choice. For the most part, kids are a choice and we want them in our lives. And there's a lot of thought and planning that goes into having a child. And so of course, there’s going to be like that pride that we have as we created this human being, but there is a lot of stress that comes along with it. I mean, even as a stepparent, I worry about, you know, my 16-year-old stepdaughter of, you know, is she OK? Is she making good choices? Is she safe now that she's driving? So yeah, it's a lot of worry and stress, but it's definitely a choice that most of us make.
Hilary: Yeah. Don't even give me examples of stress when they're teens, they haven't got there yet. That's even worse. What about the school age stuff? When I think about teenage stress, you see, and then I've heard that as well before, too. I have had people that have joked with me about that kind of how we think to ourselves, ‘Well, you know, the toddlers are the stressful stage. Once I get past that, then I'll be OK. And then you hear the school age kids, and I'll get past that and then life will be easy. And now I'm having parents that are saying to me, Guess what? The hardest one for me is having adult children, because you are still stressed, even though they're not in your home and they are more independent. You're still stressing out about them and now they have their own children and now you're stressing out about their children. And so, it's a cycle that never ends.
Jen: And so, as you know, I drive an hour to and from work. And in that hour is a pretty narrow, not narrow, but curvy, I guess. Canyon that you go through and there's all this snow that's happening right now. I still have my mother, who is seventy-four, I think that's how old she is, seventy-six, something like that, and here I am, still getting a call from my mom. ‘Are you being safe on the road? Text me when you get home so I know that you're safe.’ So, I know even into your 70s, you were still worrying about your children and if they're safe.
Hilary: Oh, so I guess what we need to do, then? Well, so let me first clarify for this sweet little one that's wondering why their parents are so grumpy. I will say this. Sometimes we are. And that's OK, right? We have a lot of stress. That may be part of our lives, some of it because of children and other and obviously some of it outside of each other and as well, too. But just because we're a little bit grumpy from time to time and have hard days, it doesn't mean we don't love the gig, we do. We love being a parent. And I think as kids it, I think it's powerful for them to know that, you know, parents go through tough stuff too. And parents have trials and parents have stress. And that's OK, right? And you know, one of the responsibilities that we have in regards to that is to help model and manage and find appropriate ways to combat that stress so that our kids can learn those skills from us. And so I think that's probably one of the biggest takeaways for us parents out there is that because it's hard, because it's stressful to be a parent, we need to find those tricks and tips that we know work for us to help to de-stress, right? Yeah. You know, whether that be going for walks or exercising or taking a nap or getting a coke or whatever it is that we do to kind of help de-stress. I think so often as parents, we get this mindset that we've got to take care of everything and everyone. And then if there is any time at the end, then we can insert a little bit of me time there. But that's only if we get through everything else, right?
Jen: We draw the line.
Hilary: Yes. And so it is. We put ourself at the very bottom of the list. And the reality is that chances are we're never going to get to it. There's always going to be something else that we could be doing or maybe that we should be doing. And so I think we need to as human beings, as parents, we need to realize that that we can't put ourselves last, that we need to be higher up on that list because, you know, we've talked about this on our podcast that, you know, in order to have a healthy family and a functioning family, we need to have a healthy parent that’s leading that family. And we don't have that unless we're taking that time for ourselves.
Jen: Yeah. So, kids out there, if you want less grouchy parents, maybe encourage them to do some self-care.
Hilary: It's true, right? And you know what, I'll say this. I mean, my kids are younger. Some of them are younger, granted, but one of the one of the things that will warm my heart quicker than anything else in life is when my kids can recognize when I'm having a hard day. And then they asked me about it. Or they do something about it. When I can have my, my nine-year-old be like, ‘Mom, are you OK?’ Or even my seven-year-old who's a little bit more direct? She might say, ‘Mom, you're looking kind of grumpy, right? But you know what? For them to be able to identify, mom's having a hard time, and we open up that communication between ourselves so that, yeah, I then at that point can say, ‘You know what, I really kind of am today, and it might actually help my grumpiness if... ,’ right? If you could maybe take out the trash for me, or if you could maybe give me a little bit of time to myself for the next five or ten minutes, right? But that's essentially what we want to model for our children is that when they're having these big feelings and emotions, we want them to be able to express that. And so, as adults, I think it's appropriate that we do that same thing too. Yeah. Letting our kids know that and if our kids can be able to identify that in us, I think that's a powerful skill that we've taught them. You know, I think one of the things that's really hard for me. And again, this is something that maybe advice we can offer to our kids, to maybe even our partners, is that sometimes we get so wrapped up in this role of being a parent that we forget how to be anything else. And that we forget that we are lots of other roles, right? So, in addition to being a parent, we are also a spouse and we're a sibling and we're a friend and we're a neighbor and we're a co-worker and we have all of these other responsibilities. But I think so often we get wrapped up into the responsibility of parenthood and kind of lose our place and lose who we are. And so I think it's important to remember that we have these other roles, too, and that we need to take that time to be a friend or to be a neighbor or to be with our partner because those relationships are just as important and should take priority from time to time, maybe even over our kids, right?
Jen: Most definitely.
Hilary: So I think that that's powerful. And I will say this too because I think this is good for our teens particularly to hear because our teens are pretty notorious for doing this. But, I think a lot of times with kids, with teenagers, when they get frustrated they retreat to their bedrooms. Right? They kind of go hide in their bedrooms for the next hour or two or five. Who knows, right? Depending on the teen. And that's OK, because if that's your way to cope and de-stress and modulate, then that's appropriate. And so I think that that's OK. The reality of being a parent is that we don't really have the luxury to do that. We don't really have the luxury of going to retreat in our bedroom for the next four hours while the rest of the family fends for themselves. I mean, we may from time to time be able to offer that for ourself. But for some parents, they can't. And so, you know, as we think about our teens out there. It would be nice if we could run away from time to time and they’d watch Netflix for the rest of the night, right?
Jen: Instead of Disney Plus?
Hilary: Oh yeah, yeah, I know, I know. Give me something like Bluey.
Jen: I still get that at 16-year-old. Let’s go watch a Disney and I'm like, Oh, no, not another Disney show. But she now has learned Jen doesn't do Disney animation shows.
Hilary: Oh, you know, I can only enjoy Disney shows for so long, and then I'm like, I need something a little bit more to keep me entertained. Yeah, right? But yeah, I think it's important for our teens to recognize that, you know, sometimes we've got to keep doing what we're doing. We have to clean the house and cook the meals and drive the carpool. Even if we're not in a great mood that's what we have to do, right? And so, yeah, that might mean that we're a little bit grumpy, but you know what? That's OK.
Jen: Our feelings are Ok.
Hilary: Yeah. Yep. And as we have taught in this podcast many, many times. The power of empathy can go a long way. So, if we can help to teach our kids to be empathetic not only towards each other but towards us as a parent to empathy can diffuse the situation really quickly. So, if I'm grumpy, you know, things are getting escalated, if somebody can be empathetic to me, it definitely helps to diffuse the problem. So, yeah, teenagers out there, if you see it right, if you see the body language, if you hear the tone, if you're like, Oh, I know what this means, mom or dad is not incredibly thrilled right now. There's things you can do to help that, So learn those skills, right? Or maybe even back away? Right? Give us some space from time to time.
Jen: Yeah, I agree. It's a good reminder too. We do love our kids, but it is hard and so the more we can work together, the better it will be. So, I want to thank all of you for coming today and listening to the podcast and hopefully sharing maybe some of this information with your kids that they maybe just letting them know what they can do when we are grumpy to help us out a little bit. Of course, it's not their job to make us happy, but there are little things that they can do to help along the road. So, if you have any questions, again, remember, you can always email it to us parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org. We hope that you're having a great day and we will see you here next week.
Thank you for listening to the Parents Place podcast. If you would like to reach us, you can at parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org or you can reach Jen on Facebook, JenDaly-TheFamilyPlace. Please check out our show notes for any additional information. Our website is thefamilyplaceutah.org if you're interested in any of our upcoming virtual classes, we'd love to see you there.
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