Parenting can be difficult for all of us, but perhaps those who parent alone have an extra element of hard. Amanda helps us understand the difficulties single parents face and know how we can support one parent households with kindness and compassion.
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Jen: Hello and welcome to the Parents Place, a podcast put out by the Family Place for parents to develop skills that will strengthen families and provide tools that will help each of us in our parenting efforts. No matter our skills, we can always use reminders that help us work towards a safer, happier home. I'm your host. Jennifer Daly, the education director at the Family Place and my co-host is Sara Hendricks, a family educator at the Family Place. Every week, we will interview professionals that will provide valuable information that will make a difference when you apply it directly to your life. Thank you for joining us. Now, let's get started with today's episode.
Sara: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast, I'm your host, Sara Hendricks,
Jen: and I'm here co-host Jen Daly.
Sara: We have a topic that we haven't really covered in our past episodes yet that is about supporting one parent households. And we have a fun guest that we're excited to interview. Her name is Amanda Luzzader and Amanda. We're going to have you go ahead and introduce yourself.
Amanda: Hello, I'm Amanda. So, I'm a parent to two boys, Hudson and Dawson. Right now, they're 13 and 10, and I used to work at the Family Place as a grant writer that I now work as a children's author. I write books under the name and “A.M. Luzzader”, and I have mystery books and a mermaid series and kind of fun stuff where the age eight to 12 group and I became a single parent when I got divorced, and my kids at that time were four and seven. And since then I've gotten remarried, but I was a single parent for about four years.
Jen: Thank you, Amanda, for joining us today. I have read some of Amanda's books and love them, so I think you should check her out! For our topic today, I feel like there's a lot of parents in this situation. I feel like this is going to be a lot of great information for them. And those who may not be in this situation can get some great ideas or just being a little bit more informed so they can be more empathetic to those who may be in a one parent household. So, what is the biggest stress that's associated with being in one parent household?
Amanda: I would say probably the biggest stress is definitely being the sole person responsible for everything with the household. So, all the car maintenance, household maintenance, scheduling with the kid’s school events earning income, you know, household chores and responsibilities, you're at the sole person taking care of all of those things. And it can be pretty overwhelming at times, especially for me. I was a stay at home parent before I got divorced, and so certainly going into a situation where now I also am working full time and dealing with daycare and adding in some of the roles that my ex-husband had taken care of, it was something like, wow, my responsibilities just like increased a ton and I'm only one person, and how do I get all of these things done and taken care of? I think that's probably the biggest stress for one parent households is just taking care of everything that's often shared by two parents and making sure everything gets taken care of and knowing that, you know you're not going to get a break. There's not anyone else who will step up and take care of things if you don't do it. It's a pretty big stressor.
Jen: I can't even imagine taking on all of the stuff that you do within a family! I mean, it's a lot, and to have one person be solely responsible for that household can be tricky and really overwhelming. So, kudos to those who are doing that every day, day in and day out.
Sara: For sure! I don't personally have experience with this, not in my own home or growing up as a child. And so, hearing all of those things that you've listed, it does sound incredibly overwhelming. And one thing that I was thinking is that I feel like being a single parent is common place, maybe. Like, we’re just used to that, it happens a lot. And so, we're kind of desensitized to what actually happens as far as being a single parent because so many people are doing it that really hearing what you had to say on what is so stressful about it. We need to be more sensitive to parents that are doing it alone and having to take on all of those extra responsibilities because they don't have somebody to share that with. So that really kind of opened my eyes to hear what you were sharing. So, can you tell us what skills and traits were most useful to you as you work to raise your kids alone?
Amanda: So, the first year after I got divorced was actually a really big struggle for me. And I think I had to let go of trying to be the perfect parent and instead accept that I can be a good enough parent. And you know, there's so many things that in an ideal situation, you know, we'd be cooking the best meals for our kids and we'd be volunteering in their class and we'd be doing crafts and fun activities. And those were things that maybe at one time in my life, I would have tried to do with my kids. But when I became a single parent and I was working, it was just too much for me to do everything, and I kind of had to make some sacrifices like I. Yes. And make some choices about what I was going to achieve and what kind of things I was going to be involved in, and I had to learn to say no to myself and to others about what things I would take on. So being a good enough parent had to kind of be my new goal instead of being a great parent or a perfect parent. I just needed to be a good enough parent and realize that my kids would be OK and would be able to thrive, even if I wasn't doing all the bigger expectations that parents sometimes have. And there would be sometimes if I were ever to be sick, that would be the hardest time to be a single parent because I didn't have someone to step in and kind of take over for things. And I remember I would call my sisters sometimes and just be like, “I am so overwhelmed and so stressed”. And she would say to me, my sister, Jennifer would say, “Sounds like you need to go into crisis mode”.
And when you're in crisis mode, you only do the things that are absolutely important and everything else can be left alone. So, in crisis mode, you don't worry about cleaning your house and you don't worry about, you know, going to other events and you only do the things that absolutely have to get done. And so, all the time, you know, I call her and she reminds me, OK, you can be in crisis mode now, and that's OK. And so, knowing that you know, you have to feed your kids, you have to keep them safe. Those are must do's, but it's OK to feed them cereal for dinner sometimes. And it's OK to have frozen pizza, and it's OK if you don't go to every activity in town. Or even for a while, my family, we were just using paper plates and paper cups for every meal because I just want to have more dishes to do so, learning to be less than perfect and knowing that children can still do well and be happy with good enough efforts was a big skill I had to develop for myself. And then also something that's kind of I developed over time was having a routine and a schedule for myself and my children for like when we're going to do chores and when we're going to do the dishes and when the laundry gets done. And after I had a routine in place, things got so much easier. And I also learned that doing little effort every day adds up over the long term and can make things a lot better. So maybe I don't have the energy to clean the house for three hours one day, but I might have enough energy to clean the house for 15 minutes. And if I can do 15 minutes every day, they can keep things from getting chaotic or from getting too overwhelming. And so, I would highly suggest, you know, making little efforts and knowing that you'll have compounded results as time goes on.
Jen: You know, Amanda, I am just so impressed, and I just can't even imagine having to do all of that work. So again, I just say kudos to those parents that are doing this on a regular basis. I really liked when you said that it's OK to be a good enough parent. I think so many parents out there have this idea that they need to be perfect, and that is just such an unattainable goal. And good enough is great. I mean, kids thrive when they have a parent that, you know, is showing them love, but also admitting mistakes and being able to say no. And its great skills that kids are learning. So, everyone out there, it's OK to be a good enough parent. We don't have to be perfect, I love that! But I also really liked the fact that you're like, OK, it's OK to be in crisis mode. I think lots of times we feel like that's a bad place to be. But there are important lessons to learn from being OK with being there and saying, “OK, this is what I'm going to focus on and this is all I can focus on. And that's our right for this time”. And I love that you had the support of your sister to remind you, “OK, Amanda, you can be in crisis mode. It's OK” because sometimes we do feel like we need that permission to go there. And so, thanks for sharing all of that. So, did it ever get easier over time? I know you talked about getting a routine put in place, but were there any other things that are easier over time?
Amanda: It absolutely got easier over time. Like I said, that first year was really rough for me. I think it was rough for my children too. It was kind of a big adjustment, a lot of changes, we had moved. I had started a job when I had been home before and I think a little bit we were adjusting to all these changes. But there was also a lot of emotional upsets for me with my marriage ending and for the children with having different households with their mom and dad. And I think we just need some time, maybe to grieve the life that we had before and to process the feelings that we had. And it took me some time, you know, to sort out how am I going to manage a household on my own and take care of everything? But after time, and especially with setting up some routines and schedules, things definitely got easier until it got to the point where, well, this is just our new normal. Like, this isn't some strange thing. This is just our life. Now this is our life, this is what we do. And the kids adjusted and I adjusted, and it didn't get to be like we felt anything was wrong or different. It was just our life. And that's how it was. And you know, after that first year, everything I felt kind of fell into place and we just were a family now with one parent. And that's not to say that there still weren't challenges and difficulties, but I think every family has challenges and difficulties. So, I guess I would definitely say to someone who's newly a single parent, you know, hang in there. It definitely does get easier and get better. And I would even say there are aspects of being a single parent that are actually really quite wonderful.
The bond that developed between my children and I, I feel like, grew a lot because it was kind of like the three of us, me and my two sons. We were suddenly a team and, you know, my oldest would sit there with me and we would be trying to assemble furniture from IKEA and he'd be helping me. And, you know, it'd be something we do together where if I'd had a spouse, maybe that never would have happened. And I remember another time there was this giant spider in our kitchen, and the three of us were kind of huddled behind the wall just like, “How are we going to get the spider?” And was it was this thing that we were doing together. And so like, I have a lot of special memories of just the three of us kind of, I don't know, being a unit and being a team together. And I don't think that would have happened had I been still married to my spouse. And I mentioned in my introduction that I'm remarried now. And it does kind of change the dynamic a little because I think my kids don't feel like they have to support me as much, I guess. So, there's some positives and negatives in that, but it does get easier with time.
Jen: I appreciate you being able to point out some good things and positive things that you were able to experience. We have taught a stepfamily class at the family place for years now, and I think that's the one thing like we talk about, you know, kids and divorce and are they, you know, quote unquote “damaged” and things like that, can they thrive in those situations? And they definitely do. They do mature a little bit faster and they learn how to do different household chores because like, you have two boys. So, you know, if in a two-parent household, those boys may be out mowing the lawn or working on the car or whatever and never getting the joy of cleaning out a bathroom because mom was doing that because there two people that they learn how to do both for lack of a better phrase, gender role chores. And so, there is a lot of positives that can come. And of course, those things can come in a two-parent household as well. But I really appreciate you pointing out those positive things that you had and that relationship with your kids. That is amazing and what an a critical time in their lives, as well as being able to create that strong bond with you.
Sara: You know, I have to laugh at your spider story because I have a similar one. While my husband was at work, it was late at night. He worked in the evenings and my kids were really little. We're talking like two and four, and I had already put them to bed and I'm sitting on the couch and I see this giant spider on the wall and I am like, I don't do spiders. And so, it freaks me out, and I literally call my kids out of their room and they're tiny two and four, right? And I'm like, “There's this spider. What do we do?” Like trying to convince them to kill the spider or whatever? And my four-year-old was giving me a pep talk. “Mom, you can do it. You're so brave. I know you can do it!” So, it just makes me laugh to hear that you had a similar situation. What is it with those spiders anyway? One thing that I loved is that you mentioned meeting time to grieve, and I think that is so important to recognize that it is okay to grieve the change that's happened in us. Families, because I'm sure that none of us go into a relationship or a marriage thinking that it's going to end in being alone and raising children by yourself, and so it's important to have that time to grieve what could have been, but then realize that we need to move on and this is our new normal. I love that you shared that. So, I think that people often try to be helpful by maybe putting a silver lining on the situation to help us feel better to look at maybe the positives. So, can you tell us what kinds of things people have said, maybe in good faith, but that were ultimately hurtful to you and what we can avoid saying or doing to people that are parenting alone?
Amanda: There were times when people would be like, “Oh, I am so angry that, you know, this has happened to you and I am so sad this has ruined your children's lives” and, you know, kind of just focusing on the negative aspects of it. Like people, I know there's lots of one parent households and my experiences mainly with divorce. So that's the perspective I'm speaking from. But, you know, divorce is not ideal. But being in a bad marriage is also not ideal. And when people say things like that, it kind of implies that maybe you didn't give it a lot of thought or in some cases that you know, you had a choice in this where some people don't have any choice in it. And it's just not very helpful, I guess, you know, to focus on things that you can't change like once you're divorced. I mean, I guess you could get remarried, but pretty much it's done. And I really hated when people would be like, “This is so bad for your kids or this is going to be a really hard experience for your children” because divorced parents already have so much guilt about how it's going to affect their children. And I don't think anybody goes into divorce without thinking about how will this affect my kids? And I think in the majority of cases, like divorce is chosen in the hopes that it will make life better for everyone involved. And that's including children, because it's not good for them to be in a negative environment where there's hostility or there's fighting or things like that. So that's something that I kind of wish people wouldn't talk about or they'll say things like “This is why I don't believe in divorce”. And that's great. You know, I don't believe in divorce, either. When my marriage was going well and like you mentioned earlier, Sara, no one gets married thinking, eventually this is going to end in divorce and good marriages don't end in divorce.
So those are some things that maybe you could see different things, like if you if you want to talk about my children, you could just ask me, “How are your children doing” without adding some commentary or judgment with the phrase. The other thing that people have said to me quite a bit, and I know they have like the best intentions behind us. So, if anyone's listening to this and you're one that has said this, I don't feel that I don't take it personally, but a lot of times I'll hear people say, “Oh, I know how it is for you. I know just what it's like because my husband was gone on some trip for a couple of weeks. So, I know what it's like to be a single parent or my husband travels a lot for work, so I know what it's like for you”. And I would just say, I don't really feel like that's the same because you're still a cohesive unit and you still have that emotional support. Like even if they're not physically there, like, you know, emotionally, that they're still supporting you. And a one parent household doesn't have that end and doesn't have the financial support that would come from having a spouse who's traveling. And so, I kind of inwardly cringe a little bit when I hear people say, “Oh, I know what that's like to be a single parent because my spouse is gone sometimes”. And I know, like, that's trying to show support for the single parent and show empathy. But I think it would be better if you just said, I know it can be difficult to have to do things on your own instead of trying to say that you know what it's like because it's until you've been in a one parent household, it's hard to kind of describe like the feelings of just being on your own and kind of a loneliness and a fear of managing things on your own and not knowing that there's someone else who can step in and back you up if there's not a backup person when you're a one parent household.
Jen: I'm sure those people had, you know, like you were saying, the best intentions to try to make you feel not alone or whatnot in that situation, but someone traveling, there's an end. To it, and they're going to come home and when there's divorce, that's not the case, it's not going to be all like, “OK, we're going to be divorced for two weeks and he'll come home and everything will be fine”. And I think also during that time of traveling, they have means of communication with them to get that support, to say, “OK, it's going to be seven more days. You've got this for seven more days. I love you”. And things are going to be OK when you are single parent and after the divorce, you, you don't have that anymore to where you can call on that spouse and have that support that comes along with that. So, I also had another question because Amanda, I think you and your ex have a fairly good relationship, do you not?
Amanda: We do. So, it didn't. I won't say it started out that way. I mean, if we had a good relationship, always, we probably when I've been divorced, it's something I think we both made an effort for our children to work towards. We're both remarried now, so my ex-husband has remarried and I've remarried. And I would say that his new wife really kind of bridged the gap for us to make it so we could have a good relationship with each other. She was very much a peacemaker and very much, you know, if one of us said something negative to the other, she would kind of try to smooth over and be like, “I don't think he or she meant it in that way” and was kind of a mediator between us. And I think that helped. But mostly, I think it was just that. We both said we are going to make an effort to be co-parents and to do what's in the best interest of our children and to try to work together. And right from the beginning, said at least I said, I don't know what was happening with my ex, but I said, I'm not going to speak negatively about my ex-husband in front of my children like never. I can think whatever I want, but I'm not going to say that anything bad about him to my children because I know that they are half of him. They're half of me and they're half of him. And if I'm speaking negatively about them, it's almost like I'm speaking negatively about a part of them. And I suspect that he was probably doing the same thing. You know that he's not speaking badly about me. And so, I think being committed to doing what we can to support our children made a big difference. And now we do, you know, we'll have birthday parties together. And I wouldn't say we're friends, but we have a respect for each other and are able to do things together so that my children can have all of their parents present in their lives.
Jen: That is just amazing, and I am lucky enough to be married to a man that has that respect for his ex-wife as well. Like you said, they're not friends, but having that respect that we're going to do the best for the kids in what's in the best interest for them. I mean, that takes a lot of swallowing. I guess maybe some of you know, those hard feelings and while you're with your kids. But what an important thing to be able to have that relationship that that level of respect that you, OK, we're going to put the kids first. So, what would you say to someone that has a loved one who is parenting alone and how can they support them?
Amanda: So, I would just suggest that they don't dwell on the reason that the person is parenting alone. Like just. Well, for example, I remember right after I, I got divorced, I was having to make a lot of changes in my life. And as I was going around making these changes like getting new bank accounts and things like that, people would ask me why I was doing it and I would say, “Oh, I'm being divorced”. And when I was first divorced, I was I was really embarrassed by it, and people would be like, Oh, I'm so sorry. And they would, you know, just I could feel like a lot of pity. And then I went to this insurance agent and she asked me, so why are you changing your health insurance? And I said, “Oh, I'm getting divorced”. And she said, “Oh, congratulations, you get to start a new life”. And it blew me away because it was not the reaction I'd been getting from anyone else. And it kind of, you know, just stunned me when she said that. And I was like, you know, I do! I get to choose where my life goes from this point. And you know, we can take a pessimistic view of parenting alone or an optimistic view. It's our choice. But I think if people who have a loved one who’s parenting alone, if you can help them to see the optimistic side of this, of helping them to see, you know, you get to you get a new chance to start your own adventure and to make different choices, and that you still have your whole life ahead of you. Like, I would appreciate that so much instead of like, Oh, this is such an awful thing. This is so sad. This is so horrible. Like, I would have appreciated so much if. My loved ones would have been able to take a more optimistic view of my situation and as far as supporting them for my south, the smallest things meant so, so much to me. Like I remember, there was a baseball coach for my son's team, and she had printed out schedules of all the games and practices, and she gave me two and she said, This is for you and the other one's for your ex-husband.” And just the fact that, you know, she had thought of it on her own and made two copies because things like that are kind of a pain, you know, having to get two copies of everything and explaining to people, you know, my children live in two households. Just take some time. And it's an annoyance. And so, to have this baseball coach who just knew on her own this is something small, but something I can do to make their lives easier. And I did. I appreciate it as so much because it was so much easier to just hand it to my ex instead of trying to make copies and pictures and exchange it that way. I had another neighbor. Her name was Christy, and our sons were both in early morning orchestra together, and she offered to drive my son to all of the practice. She said, “I'm taking my own son any way I can just take yours as well”. And that's something else that was such a relief to me because it wasn't something I had to take care of. And I appreciated that a ton. So, you know, just things like offering to give a single parents child a ride to a sports practice or to a game. Those are tremendously helpful. And people would ask me, you know, “Is there something I could do to help you?” And I love my kids and I love spending time with them, but sometimes I just need some time alone. And I know the Family Place offers their respite care so parents can get a break. And sadly, I didn't know about that when my kids were younger. I wish I did. But you know, if you have a loved one who is in a one parent household just offering, you know, to take their kids for a couple of hours and do something fun with the children so they can have a fun time. But the parent can also have a break like that is probably the thing that I would when I was a single parent would appreciate the most knowing that my kids are having fun. But also, I have time to go grocery shopping or work on chores on the house or just have some time to rest and be alone. I would have really appreciated that.
Jen: Those are a lot of great ways that we can help support those that are in a single parent household. I really want to thank you for coming today and talking with us. Amanda, I feel like this is such an important topic and one that I feel like we can expand on because we know from research that most families are in a step family relationship or in a single parent that is the new norm. And there's not a whole lot of education or help or whatnot out there for families that are in that dynamic. And so, I feel like the more information that we, as the Parents Place podcast can put out there, I feel like that could be very beneficial for a lot of people. So, I appreciate you being willing to come and talk to us and be vulnerable and share your experiences with that. We thank you for joining us today on the Parents Place podcast, if you would like to reach us. You can email us at parents at the family place you talk or you can reach Sara and I on Facebook. Jen Daly Dash the Family Place or Sara Hendricks Dash the Family Place. We hope you have a wonderful day and this is just a little reminder for everyone. Valentine's is just next week, so if you are one that celebrates that holiday and gives gifts, don't forget to get your loved one a gift.
Sara: Thanks again for listening. The Family Places a non-profit organization in Logan, Utah, with a mission to strengthen families and protect children. We call ourselves starfish throwers. If you're unsure what that means, refer back to our introduction episode where we explain it. The good news is you can be a starfish thrower too by subscribing to the Parents Place podcast and liking our social media pages. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with others and help us get our message out to more people. Also, be sure to check the show notes for links to information referenced in this episode. That's all for now, but we'll catch you again next time on the Parents Place.
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