Parenting can be difficult, but looking for the good can help push us through hard parenting times. Did you know there's a difference between happiness and joy? Christina gives us ideas on how to move beyond fleeting moments of happiness and create lasting moments of joy while raising our children.
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Jen: Hello and welcome to the Parents Place, a podcast put out by The Family Place, for parents to develop skills that will strengthen families and provide tools that will help each of us in our parenting efforts. No matter our skills, we can always use reminders that help us work towards a safer, happier home. I'm your host, Jennifer Daly, the education director at The Family Place and my co-host is Sara Hendricks, a family educator at The Family Place. Every week, we will interview professionals that will provide valuable information, that will make a difference when you apply it directly to your life. Thank you for joining us. Now, let's get started with today's episode.
Sara: Welcome back to the Parents Place podcast, I'm your host, Sara Hendricks,
Jen: and I'm your co-host, Jen Daly.
Sara: The past two weeks we did an episode with the Internet Crimes Against Children Task Force, which honestly was pretty hard to listen to and absorb. After doing such an overwhelming group of episodes, we wanted to bring in a topic that will help us find joy in our children. Goodness knows it's not always easy to find the positives in parenthood and enjoy our children every step of the way. So, we thought this would be a good way to end the month of April and close out our child abuse prevention series. And who better to do this episode with than the most positive, happiest person I've possibly ever met? Today we have Christina Ledesma with us. And by the end of this episode, I'm sure you'll understand exactly what I mean when I say, ‘she's just the sweetest’. So welcome, Christina. Tell us a little bit about yourself.
Christina: Hello, Jen and Sara. It's such a joy to be here. I'm so grateful that you thought of me and invited me to be on your podcast. You know, with so much pain and sadness and suffering in the world, I can't thank you enough for choosing this topic that is needed so desperately in today's world and for asking me to be sharing with you today on the gift of finding joy in your children. We need joy and gratitude now more than ever in our world. I believe in my heart. It's that important. So as Sara said, my name is Christina Ledesma. This year I will be celebrating 20 years of marriage after dating my husband for seven years. So, my husband and I have three beautiful daughters ages 15, 13 and 10. I have worked at The Family Place for two years. Before coming to work at The Family Place, I worked at my children's elementary school as a kindergarten aide in a classroom filled with thirty, five-year olds. How fun was that? I was on my feet the whole time and I absolutely loved every moment. I love children. I love everything about children. They are so much fun to work with. There is never a dull moment when working directly with children, but there was another very special job waiting for me at The Family Place rather than working with just children. I get the privilege of working with Spanish speaking monolingual families, which means I work exclusively with families who only speak Spanish and I love my job.
Jen: Well, Cristina, I agree with Sara on you being one of the most positive, happiest, cheerful. There’re not enough words to describe how happy you make everyone here. One of my favorite things is to hear Christina laugh, especially when we're watching that funny monkey because she just giggles and giggles, and she does truly find the joy in lots of things, and I really appreciate that. So, what does it mean, Cristina, to find joy in your children?
Christina: Well, thank you for that very lovely introduction. So, what it means to find joy in your children? So, at The Family Place as a Spanish-speaking home visitor, as an educator in the parenting curriculum that we teach in that second session, we teach parents about caregiver ethic management. And that's just a fancy way of saying, you know, first, you need to take care of yourself, need to take care of your emotions, your overall well-being before you can take care of your children's emotional needs. In this session, we learned about responding to your children's needs rather than reacting to them. We begin by acknowledging that parenting is hard, difficult work and that our children are not born with manuals. Each child has their own unique needs, personalities and temperaments. We work on creating a self-care plan. We help identify triggers and how parents respond to those triggers. Finally, in that second session, we asked parents to identify three things their children do to bring a smile to their face. What brings them joy? Without skipping a beat, parent’s faces light up when asked about their children. You know, we get so caught up on being parents, being on autopilot that it passes us by; why we truly do what we do every day and night to for parents who have little babies. So that joy that comes from having our children undoubtedly comes from the deep love we have for them. So, it's that love for our children that brings us that joy. As a parent educator, I place myself on an even footing with the families I'm fortunate to work with every day. We learn together and I also learn about my own parenting style and how to be a better parent to my children. It's definitely a win win situation and very much a work in progress. I had a very sad childhood and I have few joyful memories. My earliest memories still make me sad when I think of them. I know from the age of five, Jen and Sarah, that I wanted a better life. I didn't know what that balance looked like, but I knew that I didn't want the kind of life I was growing up in. I wanted something better. Luckily for me, I found safety and stability in school. I loved school and I loved learning. So much so that I went on to earn a master's degree. But because of those experiences, I knew that I wanted to give my children the gift of having a beautiful, happy and healthy childhood. So, I read a lot of parenting books, took parenting classes, and I surrounded myself with likeminded moms who shared the same values as I did. Jen, I recall you in previous episodes saying that education is power and it truly is, because when we harness that energy to want to become better parents, then we make that choice to be better parents, right? Which is not always easy when you have two teenagers at home and a tween, so always learning. And that's what I love about The Family Place and our parenting curriculum because we come in and we meet our parents where they're at. We're nonjudgmental so we don't judge our families; we accept them and we love them where they're at. But we know that there's so much potential for growth. We know that the possibility of change is real and we see it happen before our eyes. And that we know that when we leave this family, that these children, the children and the families are going to have the tools that they need to raise happy, healthy children. And I believe that that's where joy comes from as well. When you realize that your children are happy and that they're healthy and they're thriving and they're growing and they have forming beautiful relationships, you know, at school, at home, with family, the community; we have hope right now a world has potential and it can be a better place.
Jen: I don't know if you noticed Sarah, as Christina was talking, but how many protective factors did she touch on in that? I think she touched on every single one of those protective factors that Dr. Dave Schramm shared with us a couple of weeks ago. These are the ways that we can find joy in parenting and in our kids is by taking care of ourselves, by gaining knowledge about parenting, about working with our communities, that support. I mean, so many things, I think that's amazing just how nicely that fits all together and how those protective factors can equate to joy within your family and within your kids. I also like that you said that we don't just react to our kids, and that was something else that Dr. Dave had said about, you know, instead of reacting that we want to respond and that's going to bring that healthy relationship between you and your child. So, lots of great information. Thank you.
Sara: Yes. And something that I really loved was that you said to ask ourselves why we do what we do every day as a parent. And I think that is such a great reminder to have that in our minds because the daily grind, we forget. Like, why am I putting myself through this? My life would be so much easier if I didn't have kids, you know? But to remind ourselves, why did I choose to put myself through this? Ask yourself that and have that in the forefront of your mind to remember what it is that brings you joy within your children. So, can you tell us what happens if you have a child that you struggle to find joy in?
Christina: I can totally relate to that question firsthand. Sarah, having two teenage daughters and a tween. They are growing up so fast, and it's such a tremendous time of change for them. For me, what I have found is to take a pause for a moment, and I love my job at The Family Place because we receive a lot of professional development training, a lot of self-growth, a lot of workshops that were exposed to, a lot of really great information that I believe help me become a better version of myself. Help me become a better parent and in turn, I get to share that knowledge with the families that I work with. So, we just finished taking a mindfulness course and I loved it because taking that pause, you know, just stopping for that one moment, take a step back and realize just how beautiful your children really are, not only their physical beauty, but their inner beauty as well, to acknowledge the miracle of their being and be wowed by it. Can you imagine just be wowed by the miracle of their being? Be proud. You know, for me, is to be proud of who my children are slowly becoming. I tell my girls to be a force for positive change in the world, make a difference with your life. You know, in the lives of other people, be the best you can be. Walk in truth and light. You are good enough and you are deeply loved. And that's the message that I want to share with my children. And in that message, that's where you find true joy because joy is in your heart. It's in your spirit. It's in you, right? It is in the external world as well when we open our eyes to it. And we are allow ourselves to step into it, right? Because it's a gift. It's a gift that is waiting for us to awaken to it because joy is not something that you can buy. And joy, you know what I love about joy too, it's such a small world. There's only three letters. It's a noun, but there's so much in joy that we can find. And it's definitely in our children and it's there waiting for us. And when we take that moment that pause in our lives to really, truly see it and it can be in a gesture, it can be in words that they tell us, Mommy, I love you or Mommy, I miss you. You know it can be in a look. So, for example, my daughter, my youngest daughter, I just love the way she walks. I don't know what it is, but when I when we go on walks and she walks up ahead of us, I'm just mesmerized by the movement of her body, her gait, the way her legs touching her feet. And I just love watching her walk. But who like, I don’t know, is very simple. Yeah, it's a very simple thing, but that brings me joy just looking at her walk. And I thought, that is so beautiful to me, and her giggles, too. Because she's so funny and she laughs, has the greatest laugh, and just listening to her laugh makes my husband and I laugh. And it just brings that moment of happiness and joy. And I'm so grateful for that moment.
Jen: We were just watching March Madness, one of the basketball games. And my brother and his family had come from California, and this team was so excited that they had won. It was kind of, if I remember right it was.
Christina: Who was it? I can't remember what I said. Loyola Chicago. That tall young guy. He had brown hair. And he was great.
Jen: Did he make crazy face? Yes. OK. That had to be the boy because it had to be the boy, because my nephew was sitting there watching it and he's like, That's the face I make for my happy meal. And I just the only like is those little moments that you just catch out of the blue that just make you laugh. And apparently, he wants to start making his own memes and a meme of that basketball players face when he was so excited. And then just a little caption below, that's me when I get my happy meal. I just always think laughter is the best medicine, and I think so many times we skip or we miss those little tiny moments that can bring so much joy because we're looking at the negative. And it's really trying to look at the positive instead. But as we know, we can't find joy in every moment with our kids. They know how to push our buttons. I tell my husband all the time, pushing buttons, and I tell my stepdaughter, you're pushing buttons. And so those things set us off. But how can we bounce back from that and not stew in those moments.
Christina: Well, I think first, I think it's important that we acknowledge that moment, you know, that they are pushing their buttons and realize that, oh, they're making me really upset right now. I'm getting really angry. And I guess I go back to our parenting curriculum because this is where we learn to identify what our push buttons are. And then what are we going to do with that energy? What are we going to do with those feelings and emotions, right? Rather than reacting to our kids by yelling or screaming or, you know, acting out in a way that we later feel like we're the worst parents ever? Right? So, I think it's important that first, we acknowledge that we are aware of that, OK, they're pushing their buttons. But then how are we going to respond to that, right? So, no, that it's age appropriate. Sometimes kids, you know, at certain ages, you know, they're going to be needing our attention a little bit more. Recognizing, you know, perhaps what age they're in, what stage they're in. Also recognizing, too, if they're hungry, if they're tired because I get grumpy when I'm hungry or tired, you know, as adults. So, I guess I can refer back to my teenager because having two teens is rather, I would say, a difficult part of their childhood development. And yeah, I do get really upset, but then realize that my children's brains are changing. And that's part of their normal way of reacting towards, you know, I ask them to do something. But then, you know, step back from that moment, allow yourself to be upset. But then like, for me, it helps to breathe, you know, to take a moment and breathe, OK and then to breathe in and then they breathe out. And that is what we call a modulation tool so that our stress hormones start to decrease and we're able to say, OK, this too shall pass. I guess that's my way of saying this too shall pass and that you know what I find so amazing about children in general, like my children as well. They can be so upset at you in one moment that the next moment they love you so much and how much they're forgiving. And having my own children, I see how much they love me and how quickly they're able to forget. Like, I can be so mad at them and they can know that. But then in the next moment, they can come up and say, Mommy, I'm sorry, or Mommy, I love you. And that just melts my heart. So just learning from children, how much love and forgiveness they have. It teaches me too that, OK, I'm not going to, yes, I'll be mad, I’ll acknowledge my feelings and take a deep breath in and then let it go and realize that my day is made up of moments. And it's not going to define my whole day with my children, but realize that, you know, they get upset and angry, too. And you know that we all have these various emotions throughout the day. But in the end, I know that my children love me and that I love them, and that in knowing that and then going back to where joy comes from, you know, it comes from that deep well of love that we have for children.
Jen: I think of bouncing back and just a couple of weeks ago, when my stepdaughter was over. She had done something that was one of my push buttons and immediately I got upset. And thinking about what I did to bounce back because I did not handle it very well. I got up and I said, Fine, forget it, I'm done with this, and I walked out of the room. And saying those things out loud, she didn't need to hear those things, but I'm grateful I walked out and went in and I'm like, OK, I'm just going to get in the shower, relax, that kind of thing, just kind of settle down. And I looking back on it, it was a very joyful moment. When I was done, I went back and I talked with her and she said I was being sassy, wasn't I? And I said, ‘You know, it wasn't really the sass, it was the disrespect.’ And then we got to have a good conversation about the whole situation. And in that moment, looking back at it, it was a joyful moment because I was able to have that connection with her where it's so hard for lots of step parents to have a really strong connection with their stepchildren. But with her and I, it was great and we were able to hug each other and say we loved each other, and that was it. I love one of her dad's sayings is we forgive and we forget we move on. And that's how it was, and it was just great and it helped me, just hearing you say those things helped me remember that moment.
Christina: Well, that's very beautiful, Jen, because that's what joy is so beautiful because you can even though you have a really hard moment going through a really hard time in your life, you can still have joy. Which is different, I think, then happiness, because happiness is so fleeting. Happiness is something you wear on your face, right? Happiness, it comes and it goes. But joy, joy comes from deep inside of you. And even though you did have a really hard time with your stepdaughter that you were still able to find joy in that. Well, thank you for sharing that. That was beautiful.
Sara: One thing that really stood out to me with your story is that when you got upset, you went and you found a way to decompress and bring yourself into a better place. Bring your energy into a more comfortable place so that you could go back and readdress what happened that you didn't just let it go and allow room for that to keep happening? You went back and you had a conversation and made a connection with your stepdaughter so that both of you were at a better place. I just really appreciated that because I think that that goes back to what Christina has mentioned and also Dr. Dave mentioned is being able to respond in place of reacting. Maybe in the moment there was some reaction, but you were able to build up those skills to come back and have a response to the situation, rather than just always a reaction by having that ongoing conversation.
Jen: She's a great kid and I have a really hard time. She likes to get in my personal space a lot and of like we've discussed, my love language is physical touch, but that constant in your bubble kind of gets on my nerves. And she's that child that is constantly in your bubble. And I have definitely learned with her, she's a cuddler. Even at 14, almost 15 years old, she loves to cuddle and finding those joyful moments in those times that were are really hard for me because it's like, you're in my space, I need my space. But then I have to remember 14, 15. I'm still lucky. And number one, I'm lucky because she has that relationship with me as a step mom. But number two, this is going to leave and this is going to end. And I think that's all sometimes we have to remember with our kids, is this is going to pass. And this joyful moment of her laying on me or cuddling or whatever is going to pass. This time where your five-year-old falls asleep in your arms or numb because they've been waiting there for so long. Those are the joyful moments that you can stop and remember.
Christina: Beautiful. It's true, though it's true. This life is so fleeting. Life is so fragile. And I think this is where Dr. Brene Brown talks about, Dr. Brene Brown is a leading scholar in the field of sociology, where she talks about gratitude and joy. But within that gratitude and joy is that we don't know how we're so afraid of, you know, that this is going to pass that, that we're not good enough in becoming vulnerable because she talks about becoming vulnerable. And that's just, you know, what you were just saying right now about it's so good that we don't want it to pass, that it will go away or something bad is going to happen. You know that I don't want this part of my child's life to end because then what's going to happen? So, we're always waiting for something bad to happen because it's too good to be true. But yes, enjoy our children in the moment being present in the moment. And with so much going on in the world today, so much going on. It really is important that we be that difference, that we be that change in the world that we want to see for good. And I know The Family Place you talk about starfish throwers, you know, and be that one that throws at starfish because we do want to make a difference, you know, for us, for our children, for our world and make it a better place.
Sara: One of my most favorite sayings for parenting is the days are long, but the years are short. And there's so much truth in that there are days that feels like these moments are going to be the rest of my life. Really, they pass so quickly. I remember when my oldest turned nine, I had this moment of, we are already halfway through her time in my home. And that hit me so hard, like, what am I doing to make sure that she's having the most positive experience as a child and really building our relationship because I only get nine more years and then she is off on her own to make all of her own choices as an adult. And I hope that she will always include me in the things that she's doing, in those big decisions and wanting my input, you know? And so, the days are long, but the years are short. There's just so much truth in that. So, Christina, can you tell us some ideas for activities to help parents find joy in their children?
Christina: Yes, Sarah. Well, first of all, stop thinking of the little tasks as chores and devise ways to enjoy them. And so, for this task, and I think of folding laundry, I hate folding laundry. But if you ask like your children to make pairs, well, they love to make pairs. So just do those little tasks as chores, you know, and enjoy folding socks together and start thinking about how having children gives your life a sense of purpose and meaning. Before I had children, my purpose and meaning was just all about me. You know, what do I want to do? What's in it for me? And so, children forces you to look outward and look into the world and find a sense of purpose and meaning in your life. And children help give you that because they can put you in directions that you never thought of. Look at this as an opportunity to be simple and creative again. Let my children love to create stuff, and I always say, you know, we're going to use what we have in our home because I don't know about you, but I hate having to go to the store to buy crafts. And so, I just say, use what we have. We love to recycle. So, go and dig into the recycling bin and find something. Be creative, use what we have if we don't have tape to tape things, use yarn or thread, that'll work too. So being creative and simple things don't have to be complicated. Our lives are already complicated as they are already, right? There's so much to do, but being creative, being simple, those are good things. And our children learn to become resourceful with what they have. They don't have to think that they find everything in the store when the things they need are right in front of them. I realize that having children pushes you to grow in many new directions. Like, had I not had my children, I don't think I would be in, you know, the job I'm in right now. So, because I have them to thank, you know, for the job I am in at the moment. And so, they do, they do push you in new directions and to try new opportunities. You know, I have no problem walking into a classroom and talking to my children's teachers, but they've almost forced me to go in that direction, right? But before I probably would have never thought of that. So yes, children teach you a lot of skills and new ways of thinking and doing. So, I think those are all really positive things. It helps us grow as individuals, as human beings to be better people and have more empathy and accepting and being thankful for our children and being grateful that they are in our lives. They’re in our lives for a reason. You know, God gave them to us for a reason; and it's our job to find what that reason is, you know? And sometimes it can be so simple. Sometimes it can be just to learn how to love, to love and forgive. And it's easier to say, but sometimes it's really hard to do
Jen: I really like how you bring up simplicity because I think sometimes we really overthink things. And to be able to have fun activities or just happy moments or anything like that that we have to create this big elaborate thing. But like folding socks that can bring joy with working with our kids. I mean, just that simpleness of going and doing a scavenger hunt within your house to go find the things that can be recycled that we can create something out of, that could be a whole lot of fun. I mean, just simple. Just need to stop making everything so hard. Take it down to the basics again. And just have fun. Christina, I want to thank you so much for coming in today and joining us on our podcast. You've given us a lot of valuable information that I feel like I, just talking with, feel so much, I think I've had a smile on my face the entire time through this podcast, and you're a huge part of that because you do bring joy to work. And I know you bring joy to your children as well and your children bring joy to you. You've got some amazing girls. We will link Brené Brown's TEDx talk that Christina had referred to in our show notes. So, check it out there. If you would like to reach us, please email us at parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org or you can find us on Facebook, Sarah Hendricks - The Family Place or Jen Daly – The Family Place. On Facebook we also have a Parents Place group, so if you would like to be part of the group, we share a lot of information. Every day, there's a new tip or thought or challenge for people to do. It's also a place to where you can ask questions as well. I’d like to challenge everybody to find some joyful moments with your kids this week. And we hope we have a good week and we'll see you back here on our next podcast.
Sara: Thanks again for listening. The Family Place is a non-profit organization in Logan, Utah, with a mission to strengthen families and protect children. We call ourselves starfish throwers. If you're unsure what that means, refer back to our introduction episode where we explain it. The good news is you can be a starfish thrower too by subscribing to the Parents Place podcast and liking your social media pages. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with others and help us get our message out to more people. Also, be sure to check the show notes for links to information referenced in this episode. That's all for now, but we'll catch you again next time on the Parents Place.
Subject Resources: - Brene Brown (warning: video has some mild language): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=St2-axHpa5Y
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