Traditions are unique and special to every family. While traditions may seem repetitive, children look forward and rely on these special times. Traditions can be viewed as the glue of families. Hilary helps us understand what traditions look like and why they're so important.
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Jen: Hello and welcome to the Parents Place, a podcast put out by The Family Place for parents to develop skills that will strengthen families and provide tools that will help each of us in our parenting efforts. No matter our skills, we can always use reminders that help us work towards a safer, happier home. I'm your host, Jennifer Daly, the education director at the Family Place and my co-host is Sara Hendricks, a family educator at the Family Place. Every week, we will interview professionals that will provide valuable information that will make a difference when you apply it directly to your life. Thank you for joining us. Now, let's get started with today's episode.
Hello and welcome to the Parents Place podcast. We are so grateful to have you joining us today. I'm your host, Jen Daly, and my co-host is Sara Hendricks.
Sara: Hello.
Jen: Today we are so lucky to have Hilary Anderson with us again. She is going to be talking to us about the importance of traditions, which this is a great time of year to talk about. So, Hilary, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?
Hilary: All right. I'm so excited to be with you guys. And so just a little bit about me. I am in northern Utah with my hubby and four beautiful kids. I have been with The Family Place for 15 years now, have the opportunity to work with both individuals and with families through that time. My current focus at the office is educating children on abuse prevention education. And outside of The Family Place I also teach community relationship courses. And I will say for myself that I am a self-proclaimed traditions junkie, which is why I am so excited to be able to share this information with you today.
Sara: Well, Hilary, I am so excited to have you back on this show. For those of you who are listening, if you have not listened to the very first episode of this podcast, you need to go back and listen to it. That was the episode with Hilary and it is amazing. I love it so much and I've gotten so much positive feedback about that episode, so definitely check it out. I am excited for today's topic. I too love traditions. I don't know if I'm quite to the level of you, Hilary, but I am excited to hear your insights and knowledge in this topic. So, let's start off by first what our family traditions?
Hilary: You know, Jen makes up a great point when she says there is no better time to have this discussion than now. And I think for a lot of us, this time of the year is our time to shine. This is when we bring out the big guns, when it comes to traditions. But obviously, we want to remember that traditions are something that we can and that we should do year-round. So, a little bit about me; Every year around this time, I brush off my director/producer/puppeteer hat and I begin to prepare for our annual family puppet show. It's a tradition that my very own grandfather participated in when he was a child. And so, this tradition includes composing a script about how, once again, Santa is unable to complete his holiday duties so his trusty reindeer and elves spring into action to save Christmas. It's a tradition that I adore and a tradition that ties our family together, and that's really what traditions can do. So, traditions are actions. They can be both big and small that we participate in again and again. They're a little bit different than a regular routine because they're done with a purpose and require thought and intentionality. It's my routine to sleep through my alarm every single morning. That doesn't require a lot of thought of me. And so, traditions are a little bit different in that regard. So, Meg Cox, who is the author of a book titled The Book of New Family Traditions, that I would suggest, she describes it as being an activity that we purposely repeat together, that includes heightened attentiveness and something extra that lifts it above the ordinary. Traditions, when done right, lend a certain magic spirit and texture to our everyday lives. Oh boy, don’t we need that magic and spirit more than we ever have before.
Jen: I do love traditions, and I think probably more than anyone else in my family. So, Hilary, can you tell us the difference between a ritual and a tradition?
Hilary: Yes. So, you know, we often use those two words, tradition and ritual, interchangeably. And honestly, they do have a lot of similarities that I don't know if it's truly necessary to differentiate between the two, but to focus on the fact that traditions and rituals are repeated, meaningful events that create a sense of belonging and that are something that we can all look forward to.
Sara: That's really interesting. I didn't realize that rituals and traditions were essentially the same thing. I thought that there would be a bigger difference to them. So, then Hilary, why our traditions important? Like, what purpose do they serve to have traditions?
Hilary: So, I will say this we could have an entirely different podcast on just this one question. So just to name a few of the reasons. First, they create a source of identity, there's something about understanding your past and knowing you belong to something bigger than yourself. I know for my father's side of the family, we have an annual family reunion and we all get together, and this includes grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. And I love it. I love being there and I love feeling that sense of belonging that you're part of a bigger group and understanding your history behind it. It's kind of funny because I have very much a sense of pride for that family of mine, and I've had an interesting experience, multiple experiences where people have met me and because of my distinct physical features, which I didn't know that I had. They could tell that I was part of that particular family, and I love that. I love that I can feel that in my life. It gives me that sense of belonging and sense of togetherness. Traditions can also strengthen the family by providing face to face interactions that obviously are becoming all too rare in our world. And obviously, these options are somewhat more limited now than they were before, and we all know that we've had to become a little bit creative. We've had to beef up our skills when it comes to Zoom and face time and Marco Polo, and we're grateful for some of these other avenues that we can still have that interaction with those close family members and friends. I know that when I was at home with my own family because of COVID, it was a rough situation to be in, to be isolated from those individuals that I love. And my sweet little nephew, one night they came in and dropped off treats on our porch. And then they stood at my sidewalk, which was obviously farther than six feet apart. But when I opened the door, he was there at my sidewalk and he had his nine-year-old sister's karaoke machine in his hand with a microphone, and he proceeded to wish us well and to sing a song. And it was exactly what I needed at that point to be able to have that interaction to remind me that these relationships are still vital to have.
And then lastly, I think it also offers some comfort and some security, especially when we're dealing with stressful situations. My family's definitely the type that likes to go places and see family and friends, and we are definitely what you would call working for the weekends type people where come Friday at five o'clock, we're ready to play. And so, during March and April, when ninety five percent of our lives were being spent at home, it was really difficult for my children. Honestly, for myself. And when every day was a carbon copy of the previous, the weekend would get overlooked and in return, our optimism would definitely take a dive because we needed that weekend. So, we made a goal to have those days look different than the rest. We intentionally picked the movie that we had never seen. We went to a new restaurant. We hiked or we biked a trail that was one that we had never done before. Our world had, and it honestly still has a lot of unknowns, but it's comforting to know that we have that weekend to look forward to as a family and having that tradition and that ritual definitely gave us that sense of comfort and security at that time.
Jen: I think that's amazing, just the things that we do with our family to help us through hard times, to strengthen our families, to know that we're a part of a bigger family. I think family is what it comes down to. I mean, we always hopefully have our families there to rely on and to help us through things. And I was just thinking, as you were talking, that our tradition is for everybody that has a birthday. We always go out to dinner and they get to pick their restaurant and then the family goes. And my dad's birthday was just the other day, and he turned 80 this year. So, we kind of wanted to do something a little bit bigger for him. And we can't because first of all, he's 80, he's in that high-risk population, and he also has some procedures coming up to where we want to make sure he doesn't get even a cold. And so, to miss out on those little traditions and not to see my dad on his birthday is hard. And so, it is so important that we use all of these other avenues to help us stay connected. So, if families don't have rituals or traditions within their homes, how can they start them? And then how can families that do have some kind of implement new ones?
Hilary: So that's a great question. And to answer that, I'll refer again back to May Cox's book, The Book of New Family Traditions, that she offers two suggestions, and she refers to them as the two peas when implementing a new tradition in our family. First, ask yourself, what is the purpose? Is it to instill a certain value? Is it to increase family unity? Essentially, what are we hoping to gain from this? And then once we figure that out, then ask yourself, how do I make it personal? That's the second one. Now, for example, my sister was trying to find a way to teach your children how to be more grateful, which is obviously something that we, as parents, are always attempting to do. And so, they created a tradition that they call their grateful night. They tend to do it around Thanksgiving time, and what they do is each family member helps pay for, pick out, and prepare a specific part of the meal. And when I say they let the kids pick, they have free reign of the grocery store. So, my sister has had grateful meals that have consisted of hot pockets, sushi, yogurt and asparagus. All of those things together. Doesn't that sound appetizing? But then when they sit down at their candlelight dinner, they go around the table and then they talk about the things that they're grateful for. Their kids love it. They love spending that time. They love shopping. They love being able to pick out that one particular item that they would choose over anything else. But it's also serving a teachable purpose. So, I think it hits both of those two peas that May Cox talks about; finding a purpose, being able to say to ourselves, “What do we want from this tradition?”. But then how do we make it personal for us?
Jen: As you were talking, there were thoughts that were coming to my mind of how tricky this is for step families. And myself, I'm in a step family, and he has his rituals and traditions, and I have mine and trying to figure out what we're going to take from each person's family and then creating our own. And that's it's been really tricky and really hard. I remember the first year that we were married, it was Christmas time and I had wrapped all of the Christmas presents and there was a little bit of a disagreement on wrapping paper because the gifts from one particular person were supposed to be wrapped in a completely different wrapping paper than everything else. And I didn't know that. And it was like, what are you doing? Why are you wrapping these Christmas presents not in its own wrapping paper? And I'm like, I had no idea that this was a tradition for you guys. And so, I think it's really hard for step families and I think the thing that I have learned the best thing that we can do, you just got to communicate. I mean, not get mad at the other person for not doing something like the wrapping paper or not having a specific food or whatever at your dinners, but really being open to communication.
Sara: That's very true, Jen. I also think that even couples when they first get married, have some of those same frustrations of trying to blend their two backgrounds and their childhood traditions and memories together and trying to figure out how to do things. It can be pretty tricky to work through all of that. One thing that I really love about traditions is the way it changes the atmosphere in my home. We might not be in sync all of the time. We have a rough patches where we're not getting along or, you know, having harder days. But when a tradition is coming up, it changes the atmosphere. And we're all feeling that excitement, knowing this tradition is coming and my kids are reminding me and asking me if I'm prepared for whatever that tradition is, and I just love that that it can really change that connection that we have with each other as we're preparing for a tradition to come.
Hilary: You know, Sarah, you bring that up. And it's so interesting because just a few days ago, I was having a conversation with a few colleagues of mine and we were talking about who has already set up their Christmas, their Christmas decorations for the year. And normally in the small group that I was talking to, we all agreed that on a traditional year we would have waited to set up our Christmas until after Thanksgiving. But it was so funny to hear how most individuals in the room had already started or were already finished setting up their Christmas decor. Because I think for many of us this year, we need something. We need this spirit, we need that magic, we need that certain something to look forward to, and that's what traditions do. And so, if that means setting up our Christmas in September, by all means, bring on the magic, bring on that spirit that the traditions allow us to have in our home. And so, you're so right when you say that there is just a feeling that happens as these traditions are occurring or as they are about to occur. And even our young children recognize that feeling and appreciate that.
Jen: I love that you guys are so positive and you're looking for those positive things about traditions and things like that. But if I'm being completely honest, I'm having a super hard time and I want nothing to do with them this year because I'm just like, this has been a really crappy year and I don't want to have to. I am upset and I'm angry that I can't spend the Thanksgiving with my family, and more than likely I won't be able to spend Christmas with them. And you know, I'm 48 years old now and this will be my first time never having Thanksgiving with my family and it'll just be my husband and I, and it's really hard. So, I appreciate the fact that you guys are super positive and this is really exciting for you. But I also don't want people to feel like they're alone if they're having a really hard time right now. But this is a great time for me to start. I mean, I'm not going to have Thanksgiving forever with my parents. They're not going to live forever. And so, this is a great time for me to really sit down and think, What traditions do I want for my husband and I?
Hilary: You know, the reality of life is that there are these traditions for many of us tie us together and allow us to come together. But life will not always be the consistent, routine-ish type style that we want it to be. And so, you're right, the reality is, is that there are times when we're going to have to evolve and adjust to those traditions because of our situation, because of the age of our children, because of maybe health or life issues that we're currently dealing with. And I think that's okay, you know, to make an adjustment is not necessarily a bad thing. It doesn't mean that we're not doing things right. It just means that we may have to do things a little bit different. And who knows that that different may be even better than what we're used to?
Sara: I think it's great that you shared that, Jen, because while Hilary and I might have this perspective of trying to find the positive in this situation, I definitely don't want anybody listening to our podcast to think there's something wrong with them that they don't feel that positivity and we all cope differently in how things are happening right now. You know, and so I think it's great that you pointed that out and made it more relatable for those that are feeling that way to understand that there is nothing wrong with them for feeling that way, because this year it's hard. And so, we all have to do what works for us. And if that means setting up the Christmas tree two months before Christmas, and that's what brings somebody joy to bring in that magic into their home, then by all means go for it. My kids have been begging for several weeks for us to put up the Christmas tree, and it has not happened in my house for me. I've mentioned before on past episodes that Halloween, that's where it's at for me. I love Halloween and the traditions surrounding it. And so, Christmas Tree cannot come up before Halloween, for sure. And then my husband loves Thanksgiving, and so it's hard. That's a place where we have to blend with our traditions. We can't put the tree up before Thanksgiving. That would not be OK to him. And so, finding that balance for how to work through what's happening right now, what brings us all joy? You know, we're all working through it on our own. Now, Hilary, when we think about traditions, often my mind goes to holidays. But how often should these be happening?
Hilary: Yeah, that's a great question. And so, let me say just a few things to go along with what we're already talking about. In addition to that, you know, traditions should never become a burden. And I feel like if they're becoming that way, then obviously adjustments need to be made, whatever that looks like. Creating traditions is important, but deciding what you need to adjust or even eliminate may be just as important. You know, I think about myself and my kids when they were young. One thing that I did with them is we would have a small December activity to do every night leading up to Christmas. And it wasn't necessarily anything grand, primarily simple things like doing a small craft or watching a holiday movie or a special treat or game. But as my kids got older and became more involved with extracurricular activities, their homework load became more heavy. We kept finding ourselves trying to cram in these activities into an already full day. And I would find myself disappointed yet again that I had missed another day. So fortunately, my husband, who tends to be a little bit more of a minimalist in the relationship, he reminded me that having an activity every night did not have to occur in order to have a successful holiday season. So, the following year I did things a little bit different. I organized the supplies for those games and crafts, but then I put them in a bucket so that if we had a free night or if my kids wanted to do something unique with their friends, they could pull one of those activities out. So, the tradition was essentially still there, but the pressure was off to complete something every single night. And so, it was something that we definitely had to look at and decide for ourselves. Does this currently work or does this need to be changed? You know, the reality that most of us face, like Sarah says, is that most of us have traditions surrounding holidays, and it's easier to come up with those scenarios. I think when the holiday season comes, but experts actually encourage intentionality around creating traditions that aren't necessarily tied to a holiday. So maybe having a tradition that's based around a milestone, like you say, Jen, you know, going out to dinner for a family member's birthday. My dear friend, she shared this with me and I loved it. She was building a home and when they had purchased their plot of land, they had a picnic on top of their land. And she posted it on social media and she titled it our first family dinner at our new place. And there they were her, her husband, her sweet little kids sitting on the dirt, eating dinner together. You know, because family dinner is important for us, and I love that they took the opportunity to share that new experience together. And who knows, maybe now they celebrate on a yearly basis. You know, our one-year reunion of being in our new home together, you know, we probably even have weekly traditions. Maybe that's the Friday night movie night, or maybe even a daily tradition of reading books together as a family. Those things count. And I think oftentimes those traditions are a little bit more overlooked because they may not be as obvious to us, but they're just as important.
Jen: That reminds me, my husband and I were just talking last night about the way with that we were raised and connecting with each other with our families and things like that from growing up and when I thought about it, I’m like our connecting with family always happened around the dinner table. That was just something that we always did is had dinner together. And his family was very different, like he does not like a kitchen table. So, he, his family grew up eating dinner at TV trays in the living room, watching television together, him and his dad watching cop shows back in the 70s and 80s. And that those are great memories for him to look back on now that his father has passed. But like you were saying, there could be daily little things. And when I think of rituals, that's what I think more of is those daily little routines or rituals that we do of connecting with people. And dinner is a really important one, and we all do it differently. And that's OK. So, I appreciate you bringing up all of those different ideas. You have any other closing thoughts before we end this podcast, Hilary?
Hilary: Yeah. So, because I was putting together my thoughts and preparation for this, I actually ask my children. I was curious about what they would say their favorite traditions were, and I was surprised. I was surprised that they weren't the ones that were centered around receiving gifts because I assumed that was what they would say. And I think that's important for us to remember that you don't need a lot of money and often times you don't need a lot of time to create these meaningful traditions. You know, as with most things in life, it tends to be the little stuff that adds up to the big stuff. So, my encouragement for you moving forward would be to keep making those meaningful memories, whatever they look like, however you go about doing that. And please, guys, if you have any bright ideas on how Rudolph should save Christmas this year, let me know because that's what I need to figure out for this holiday season.
Sara: Well, thank you, Hilary, so much for everything that you've shared with us. Just to reiterate, we know that traditions help strengthen families. And so, while this episode wasn't necessarily to give ideas of what traditions to hold, it was more to just have an understanding that traditions strengthen families. And so, we hope that all of you who are listening go out and create some family traditions or carry on traditions that you're already doing even this year, where it's an off year and hard still, try to hold some traditions to have your family's bond and grow closer together through that. As always, if you have any questions, you're welcome to email Jen or myself at parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org. Last week, we invited you to send us a recorded message through the Anchor website, and we still encourage you to do that. These can be questions about parenting and families. Maybe your child is having a behavior issue that you have a question about. Send us those questions through the recording, and we would love to create an episode where we put your voice in the episode and answer your questions. That's all for now. We hope everybody has a happy Thanksgiving and we'll be back on Monday.
Sara: Thanks again for listening. The Family Place is a non-profit organization in Logan, Utah, with a mission to strengthen families and protect children. We call ourselves starfish throwers. If you're unsure what that means, refer back to our introduction episode where we explain it. The good news is you can be a starfish thrower too by subscribing to the Parents Place podcast and liking your social media pages. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with others and help us get our message out to more people. Also, be sure to check the show notes for links to information referenced in this episode. That's all for now, but we'll catch you again next time on the parent’s place.
Subject Resources: - The Book of New Family Traditions by Meg Cox
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