Going from zero kids to your first can be a BIG transition! We know from listening to this podcast that transitions are hard, even for adults. Come listen to our coworker Sarah give us some insight on setting realistic expectations for what it's like bringing home your first child!
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Hilary: Hello and welcome to the Parents Place podcast. My name is Hilary,
Jen: And I’m Jen!
Hilary: and we are excited to have you here again today. So, if you are a regular listener, you know that our last episode was all about helping teens make the adjustment into adulthood and kind of giving them the skills and starting them on the right foot. We're kind of taking we're kind of going in reverse for today because today we've got our guest here, Sarah, who's going to talk to us a little bit about the transition that often occurs for first time parents when they bring home that sweet, sweet little baby. Some of the expectations they have on themselves and sometimes the reality that does not match up with those expectations. So, Sarah is the supervisor over one of our programs here at the family place called “Parents as Teachers”, and we're going to let her explain a little bit about that program and what she does. Go ahead, Sarah.
Sarah: Hey, guys. I'm excited to be back. I've already done a podcast episode a little while ago about reading to your kids in the importance of reading. So, if you haven't listened, I go back and read that it's a good one. But I am over and in charge of the Parents as Teachers program. And this program is helping to empower parents because we know parenting is hard. No matter where you are from or what experiences you've had, life doesn't come with a parenting manual. And so, we help to empower parents to grow attachment with their children to increase their parent child interaction, to help them have healthy parenting behaviors, to help them understand their children's development and to have them just have an overall healthy family well-being. We also do screenings and assessments for children to make sure that they are developing appropriately or at a good pace. And so, it was a really fun program if you feel like you need some more support in your parenting. It's a great program for you to sign up for.
Hilary: I love that because I think I mean, and we mention this word expectations. But I think, pre-children, we all have this idea of what it's going to be like being a first-time parent, bringing home that baby, and sometimes it doesn't match up with how things really are. You might realize really quickly that it's a lot harder than what we thought it was going to be.
Jen: Or what you read in a book.
Hilary: Exactly right. Or that our experience is completely different than somebody else's experience. And so, I love that, you know, everybody's experience is different and you can't necessarily duplicate. But the fact that you guys are providing them with not only support, but with information and tools so that they can have the best opportunity to succeed. That’s really cool
Sarah: And it’s researched based stuff too. Like you said, how many people when you're pregnant give you all this unsolicited advice. How many times do you look something up on the internet or you see something on social media and you're like, Oh, I'm going to do that with my child? Or someone tells you not to do that with your child. And there's just so much information out there that's an overload, and that could be its own podcast with overloaded information and therefore, parenting. And so, the things that we do as its research base, it's stuff that's actually going to help you and your family.
Hilary: I remember bringing home my first. And like I can, I can still see myself in this situation. I was sitting on the ground. I was probably close to tears. I think I had three different parenting books in front of me, as well as my phone and my computer, and I was trying to figure out I think it had to do with how I even remember bottles, binky’s, swaddling, something, and every single one of my resources was saying something different. And here I am in the middle thinking, “What do I do?” Do I listen to this one or this one, or this one or my gut, or my mom or my neighbor down the street? And I remember how overwhelming it was to have all of this information and not knowing where to go with it.
Jen: You know, another thing that I love about this program is you can start the program before you even have your baby. So, you're learning about how your pregnancy. Different things about your pregnancy and how your baby is growing and things like that. But another great thing about the program of parents as teachers is just not here in Cache Valley. It's really, it's nationwide. And so, if this is something that you're interested in or know someone who could benefit from looking in your local areas and see if parents and teachers is often there for you.
Sarah: Yeah, it's a great resource. And one of the things that I know you guys want to talk about today is what can first-time parents expect? And that's a heavy and very important question because like we said, there's a lot of unsolicited advice out there. A lot of things that people try to have. You have a be a heads up. And so, I think it's great to get to know other people's experiences because there's a lot of things that you do need to expect to have these realistic expectations, so you aren’t so blindsided that you do end up suffering more. Because you see all these mommy bloggers post about their cute new babies and make up stuff and stuff like that. And maybe that's the expectation, a realistic expectation for you. You know, there's physical things you're going to have to go through that you may not even realize you're going to be bleeding for probably six weeks afterwards. And some people may not even realize that you might even be able to sit down. There's the physical aspect, there's the emotional aspect, there's the financial aspect. There's so many different things to think about and have those expectations that you are blindsided
Jen: Even within the dirty delivery. I think I remember my sister with her first child. I mean, she's pushing. She also went to the bathroom and she was humiliated and so embarrassed. But that is a very normal. I mean, you're pushing you can't push the other push. So definitely just knowing those little things of what to expect during that time enduring, you know, just bringing home that baby for the first time.
Sarah: So, I remember the first time someone told me stuff is still falling out of their body, like two months after the birth. I was like shocked. That happens. I actually had a baby and stuff is just like, I just never thought about it before, and they didn't think about it before until it's happening. You know what I mean? So, it's like your body is still going through this process. And so those are some things I want to talk about and hear about, like every other people's experiences,
Hilary: You know, and I think that. We're, we're getting better at this, but we still have a lot of room to improve. But I think oftentimes when we talk about our families and our kids, we tend to talk about the good stuff, right? What's going well? And we shy away from talking about the things that are hard are the things that are uncomfortable or maybe even embarrassing. And so, I love that we can share these expectations and that we can talk about. Yes, it was glorious having this new baby in my home, but it was also really hard and I didn't sleep and I felt awful. And suddenly you took a dip. Yeah. So, I think let's bring up the hard conversations too, because those are just as important to talk about as the good things that we're noticing. So, we had a lot to discuss, as you can see. So, let's break it up a little bit. So, let's talk about kind of some of those physical expectations that you mentioned. And these can be these expectations obviously can be both positive and negative. But let's share a little bit about what some of those typical expectations are.
Sarah: So, I was actually talking to my mother in law about this topic. So, I was like, Man, I want to get some more ideas what I can talk about. And she was like,” Sarah when I first had your husband, Andrew, she's like, I could not sit down for three weeks”. She said she had so many stitches because she tore really bad when she had her first child. And so that's an aspect that you may not realize this is that's maybe something you can't always prepare for. Maybe you can prepare your body physically by doing certain exercises and stretches to prepare those muscles. So, it doesn't you don't tear as bad, but it's still kind of something that naturally happens. So, she tore really bad. So, she had to get a lot of stitches and she couldn't sit down. And that's really frustrating when you are physically exhausted and you're emotionally exhausted. And so that aspect is really hard for her because it was like a sense of relaxation for her to sit down and feed her baby and do all these things. So, she had to carry on those little pillows. But it was still hard for her to sit down and to physically feel that for a really long time while she was trying to do everything else on top of that while she was bleeding. While so many other aspects of healing occur
Jen: Because your body's been through trauma. Yeah, and it's got to heal itself, but that has got to be. So frustrating, I can't imagine just not being able to sit down well, because that's what you do normally when you're tired, you sit down.
Hilary: Well and I remember for myself being pregnant and being in the eighth, nine months of pregnancy and thinking, once I have this baby, I'm going to be so excited to go out and to walk and to exercise and to get back to my regular routine, right? Because I haven't been able to do that for so long. And then you have that baby and you realize I can't just jump back into doing that, nor do I really want to at that point. So, you kind of give your body some time to heal. And to build back up that stamina and that strength, because it is incredibly unrealistic for us to assume that that baby is going to come out and we're going to jump back into our aerobics or our high fitness or whatever we were doing, pre-pregnancy.
Sarah: It's hard because you're just so exhausted. Not only do you just get this kind of traumatic thing for your body, but just having this process is exhausting. And having a baby is exhausting because they are crying all the time and all these different aspects. And so just having that be a part of it is, I think people talk about how exhausted and tired you will be when you have a baby, but really understand it and have that first baby.
Jen: And then when you have family, that's why you see this brand-new baby, because brand new babies are the absolute best, because they just sleep and they're fresh and they're still snuggling and they smell so good. But really, I mean, as my nieces have had babies and I'm a great aunt now, I'm like, I want to see these boys, but they have a little bit further away. And I never got to meet their babies until they were three months old, which probably was a really good thing for both of them because they didn't. And COVID was happening and still happening. But so, they didn't have this bombardment of family and friends saying “I want to say your” baby
Sarah: Another aspect that just came to mind, too, is breastfeeding. That can be emotional process, but it's also like a very physical thing. Maybe your baby won't latch immediately, and when you are breastfeeding when the milk comes in, that’s painful, you get cracked nipples, you get all these things. I felt I saw a funny video on Instagram actually validate those girls dancing. And she's like, When the shower doesn't feel like needles on your nipples anymore, after breastfeeding is just dancing and stuff like that. That was so funny because, oh my gosh, three months after you give birth, taking showers hurts, you know? And so, I think that's just so funny, but also hard that there's always physical things happening and putting on a shirt hurts and you can't sleep because your nipples are cracked and bleeding and dry and you're trying to feed your baby also. And so that's not really a physical aspect or very emotional to them.
Jen: And I think we need to be careful as well with breastfeeding. As you know, the war ended and research does show that that is the best thing for a baby. But that may not be the best thing for you. It may not be comfortable for you. There may be trauma that you have prior life that is very triggering for you. So really, what is needed to do, what's best for them
Sara: With my friend, her milk actually never even came. It's still hurt. But like her milk never actually came in.
Jen: And she could have had emotional hardships with that. Like, I really want to nurse my baby, but I can't.
Hilary: Yeah, that was probably one of the hardest things for me when it came to that transition, because it just I was one that never really produced enough for my child. And we do, we set up, you know, breastfeeding is wonderful and it's amazing and it definitely has its benefits. But if it doesn't work out. You really there's a lot of moms that beat themselves up inside that that they couldn't do it or that they're not trying hard enough for that, they're giving their baby the second-best option. And so, I think,
Jen: It’s OK. yeah, it's OK. Be kind to yourself!
Hilary: I mean, it does. This kind of enters into that emotional realm, but I remember when I would sit down and try to feed my, my son. For me, that was a really stressful and difficult time, which breastfeeding should be the opposite of that,
Jen: Because that's building attachment.
Hilary: Exactly
Jen Because being stressful for you isn’t helping
Hilary: And for me, that wasn't the case. I would dread when feeding, you know, when it was time to feed my child.
Sarah: And you have to do that multiple times a day/
Hilary: Yes, they would look at the clock and I would think, crap, I have to do this again. And it wasn't until a few months later that I thought to myself, “What am I doing here? I'm not helping myself. I'm not helping my child. If this experience to me is so hard and so stressful and causes so much anxiety, then this is not the best thing for my child”.
Jen: You and your child aren't getting the benefits that do come from it. So best scenario is transition to a bottle, and you can still get that attachment and positive things even with a bottle.
Hilary: Yeah. So, where some of these physical expectations are maybe unknown, where would you suggest these new moms go to? Maybe for this information? I'm thinking, an OB, and a pediatrician. Where else would you suggest?
Sarah: I think definitely the people that you trust, whether that's your doctor, your OB, they've been doing this with probably thousands of women and they see a lot of women every single day. They see a lot of different experiences, whether it's extreme on either end. So, they have a lot of experiences and a lot of solutions that can help you, as well as people that you trust. You're probably getting a lot of unsolicited advice, but and take some of that advice with a grain of salt. These are also awesome people who've been through these experiences and take that and apply it to yourself. I think those are all great resources.
Jen: I think being OK with the uncomfortable, I'm asking those questions OK, what is my body really going to do after this? What I really kind of strange but good things that work after my niece told her sister, your best friend is going to become a glove with some ice in it. Because then you can put it when you're sitting in that little doughnut, you can put the glove there, and it helps reduce that inflammation of everything that's going on down there. And so, asking those uncomfortable questions. Most people are happy to share with you. They're just they don't want to share them unless you're comfortable with those kind of hard questions.
Hilary: And you're right. You don't usually get the answers to those questions, maybe in a in a book, but to be able to go to a trusted adult and say, No, really, you know, really what? It's going to be like
Jen: like, maybe a lot of our listeners out there that's going to have first baby, should write a book about all of the positives. And like the crazy, the
Sarah: unknown expectations,
Jen: Yeah. The crazy things.
Hilary: So, let's kind of delve into the emotional side of things then, because that's a completely different category. I feel like. What are some of those expectations that you tend to see when it comes to the emotional level?
Sarah: So, when you're pregnant, you are producing so many more hormones and all these your levels are definitely a lot higher. And when you give birth or all of those hormones are released and you have a surge of emotions.
Jen: You’re going to be wiped out! Your body is going like I had all of these and know I don’t! What happened?
Sarah: Yeah! And so, a lot of new moms experience a lot, right when they give birth, right after they give birth in the first couple of weeks is so, so, so common to experience what we call the baby blues or even postpartum depression if it continues to go on, as well as a myriad of other things that happen because life changes are hard. Let alone having a baby, that's probably one of the biggest life changes you will ever go through. So, there's new rules and expectations between you and maybe you have a partner, so your roles and expectations are different if you're married. Your marriage might change a little bit. Maybe you're used to working 40 hours a week and going to go hang out with friends, and that's in the evenings. So, all of a sudden, maybe having a baby is really lonely because you're not seeing people. Maybe you're not getting out of the house as often. Having that fresh air and sunshine or new environments that can take a toll on your mental health, there's so many different ways that having a baby can take a toll on your mental health or maybe you are breastfeeding and they're not latching and that's an emotional experience for you. Or maybe people are telling you how attached they go with their baby. They love them so much. Maybe you don't feel that attachment with your baby. That would be really hard
Jen: I have a friend who had her first baby in her twenties, first baby Down syndrome, it took a year for her to attach to her child because she was just in that grief stage. And it's OK because you never thought she'd experienced that, but you just. You never know, and it's OK. I mean, we do need to reach out and get something to ask for help from me. It's not a bad thing.
Hilary: I remember. Feeling very lonely after, like you mentioned after having my first baby, which you say that to a lot of people and they think you have a brand-new baby, this is exciting this a fun time, right? We should be celebrating. But I remember feeling that that that that same feeling that you described because here you are with a brand-new baby and you want to keep them inside so that you can keep them healthy. You're trying to keep them away from germs. And so, you're avoiding a lot of the social settings that normally would have gone to. And if you are a single parent or if you have your partner, you know, works away from the home, that's a lot of hours. Being alone in that in the house with the baby and they don't talk to you back, you know, it's you and them and iris. And I remember thinking, I have got to get out of this house. I've got to find somewhere to go. I have to have a different scenery here. And so, a lot of times for us, it was just walking around the block and having kind of that new view. But that's that feeling of loneliness, I think is real for a lot of first-time parents. So, oh, there's so much more that we could cover, and we will cover it in an upcoming session at an upcoming podcast. But let's kind of end with this thought. So, we've got these expectations. A lot of them, it sounds like pretty unrealistic or unknown. So how do these first-time parents create some realistic expectations for themselves? And what should that look like for them?
Sarah: I think having a game plan is a huge aspect of having realistic expectations as people say, Oh, you're going to have the baby blues, OK, I have the baby blues and also then you have the baby blues, you know, like, oh crap, what do I do now? So kind of going into this new phase of life with having those expectations, but also having a game plan being like, OK, I think I might be feeling lonely. What can I do so I can combat that? Make a plan. with
Jen: Who are the people I can reach out too? Write their names down.
Sarah: And if that's overwhelming, then make a plan to try and go on a five minute walk every day just to get out of the house and make eye contact with another adult. You don’t need to talk to them but that will help you get out of the house. Another thing was my mother in law said she said something that really helped her with the shower every day that made it feel like a human being. And to get ready not to necessarily like, do makeup and do hair, but to change into different clothes and to shower every day, even as her baby was just screaming its head off. She knew her baby would be safe for 10 minutes, so she could be mentally a little bit more prepared. She said the day she didn't shower, she was the worst parent. And so mentally preparing yourself, setting yourself up for success in those ways that you can be there more emotionally for your baby and those things. So, getting out of the house even for small outings, I think, is a super important aspect. I think do you keep doing the things that you like. A lot of parents, kind of take the martyr approach, where they are like, “oh, I have to do everything for my baby”. Well, first of all, if your baby is trying to eat, it's important that you eat first, because how are you supposed to create sustaining life for your baby when you are doing it for yourself? Keep doing your hobbies and things that you like so that you create a mentally healthy and safe space, and that your children can grow up seeing that you are making those things a priority and that keeping yourself happy and doing things that give you confidence that's important for them to see you set an example of. Keep doing things that you like. Keep doing the things that give you confidence. I think that's important. Or when your baby's crying and you're so overwhelmed, have a game plan of what you're going to do. OK, I'm going to set my baby in the crib for five minutes. I'm going to go outside, get a breath of fresh air and identifies five things that are round, five circle things. And identifying five circle things is going to keep your mind on a different track. You're going to go into a different mindset and that'll kind of reset your body and reset your mind so you can go back to your baby and be just a little bit more mentally refreshed. So that's what I would say having a game plan for all of these things people are telling you about, so you expect them for that. You know what you're going to do. So, you can feel confident you can feel refreshed and that you aren't beating yourself up because you're a new parent and there's not a perfect guidebook for new parents.
Jen: An idea that came to me was sticking to the five. Having five things that other people can do for you because lots of people want to help you during this time. They just don't know how to do that. So, for your partner, your spouse, your parents, whatever, give them five different things that they can do to help you. If that's bringing over your favorite soda or, you know, taking the baby for 10 minutes so that you can go do that shower.
Sarah: Be willing to ask for help.
Jen: Let them know that this is my favorite candle. This really relaxes me things like that so that they don't need to ask you. They can just provide these things for you.
Sarah: Or if they do, they want to help out. They're helping out in a way that is helpful for you because I think a lot of people want to help, but they may be doing it in an unhelpful.
Hilary: Yes. I just love that idea of having a game plan because I think so often we look at other people and we hear about, you know, postpartum or anxiety and isolation, and we think, well, that happened to them, but that won't happen to me. I'm fine, right? I'll be OK. And the reality is we don't necessarily know how this transition will affect us and affect our body and affect our mental health. And so, I like the idea of just saying I'm going to come up with this beforehand. I'm going to have this laid out. And if I don't have to use my plan and I don't have to use my plan, and that's fine, but it's there if I need it. Anything else you want to share with us before we close up, Sarah, I think you've shared some wonderful ideas.
Sarah: I think this transition in life, it's going to feel like it's lasting two years. Like two hours that your baby will just not even two hours, days that your child just keeps on screaming. But I think having a perspective as well, taking that deep breath would be like, this isn't going to last forever. I think that would be. I think that's important to remember this isn't going to last forever, this newborn stage. Try and enjoy it, even though it's not going to be enjoyable all the time. Keep that perspective because they are going to grow up really fast. One day I know Hilary got what a 10-year-old. Does it just feel like you just have them?
Hilary: And it's crazy because I had people give me that and my advice like, enjoy a stage. And it's hard because you're in the middle of that stage and you're thinking, Well, I've got to do this and take care of this, and maybe I'm still working or I've got to start exercising. I've got to get my body back. I've got to do all the things. It's amazing because you snap your fingers and they are toddlers and you think, “Oh crap, I missed it”. Right? I remember with my fourth. Finally, it took me four times, but with my fourth, I was like, “This is it little more than I have got to embrace this stage? I've got to set everything else aside”. And I was I had to make and it was hard for me because I love being busy and I love being involved, and I had to set a lot of things down that I was doing leading up to that. But it's a tricky thing to do to realize, you know what laundry is going to pile up and that's going to be fine. And deadlines may come and go, and that's OK. Because most important place for me to be right now is to be with my little baby
Sarah: Being kind to yourself and realizing that this is not going to last forever.
Jen: I really like that this has been an honest conversation, and yes, we've talked about some of the things that aren't expected and maybe the harder things, but there's also lots of positive things that come and we can see those milestones that come in and things like that, the new things that your babies learn. So, remember, there's lots of good things as well. And I just love that this was honest because I think lots of times we're not but we need to. We hide those hard things. So definitely we will come back and revisit this topic again and have future episodes regarding this. I mean, postpartum depression. I mean, what is it like for dads and so on and so forth. So, look for those coming. If you would like to reach Hilary or myself, you can email us at parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org. You can reach me on Facebook at Jen Daly - The Family Place. If you would like to receive weekly text, you can do that at. You can text “TFP” to 33222. And if you would like to participate in any of our classes, please visit our website and check that out. They are available for anyone. Lots of them are virtual now. We hope you have a great week and we will see you back here at the Parents Place.
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