Did you know there are different parenting styles? Do you know yours? Jen and Brandy, our guest-host, talk about the different parenting styles and how it affects children. Take the quiz to find out which parenting style you most use and see if it matches what you consider your style.
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Jen: Hello and welcome to The Parents Place. A podcast put out by The Family Place for parents to develop skills that will strengthen families and provide tools that will help each of us in our parenting efforts. No matter our skills, we can always use reminders that help us work towards a safer, happier home. I'm your host, Jennifer Daly, the Education Director at The Family Place and my co-host is Sara Hendricks, a family educator at The Family Place. Every week, we will interview professionals that will provide valuable information that will make a difference when you apply it directly to your life. Thank you for joining us, now, let's get started with today's episode.
Hi and welcome to the Parents Place podcast, I'm your host, Jen Daly,
Brandy: and I'm your sub co-host Brandy Mouritsen, and
Jen: We are excited to have Brandy as our sub co-host. Sarah is taking the week off, she has lots of trainings that she's needing to get through this week, so we are having Brandy fill in.
Brandy: I have some big shoes to fill the hope I can do you justice.
Jen: You'll do great. Today we're going to be talking about parenting styles, and I think this is a really important topic that we know what parenting style we are and if we don't like that kind of parenting style that we're in, then we kind of have some ideas of how we can change and be is that parenting style that we most desire to be in. So, we will get started with the first parenting style, the first parenting style is authoritarian, this means being rigid or really strict. So, this has high control, but low warmth. So, Brandy, what does that mean? High control and low horns? Yeah.
Brandy: And first of all, I saw that it was kind of confusing, but control to me is kind of like supervision over your children and I would say warmth is more like the kind of love that you give toward them.
Jen: I always think of this like when I say authoritarian parenting style, I think of like a drill sergeant, you have high control, you have high supervision of those people within your troop and it's doing what I say when I say it and how I said it. And really, your drill sergeant doesn't have a whole lot of warmth for you, they're just wanting to see results. So, some things to go along with this is, do you find yourself saying to your kids, do it because I said so. I don't feel like an authoritarian parent or like that's not my parenting style, but I say that a lot. Just do it because I said so, and I've often wondered, why is that a bad thing to say? And for me, it's, you know, our bosses in the real world aren't going to just say, do it because I said so, they're going to give us an explanation of why we need to do whatever they're asking us to do.
Brandy: Another thing to consider is, are you constantly focused on keeping your kids in line? Are you always on top of them making sure they're making the right choice? Hovering over the top of them?
Jen: Yeah, and then the last one is do you use punishment as your primary discipline tool? So, this is one of my words that I really don't like is punishment, and this is just a personal opinion. But when I think of punishment, I think of pain or making someone hurt, either physically or emotionally. So, I choose to use consequences, so when I read this, do you use punishment as your primary discipline? This, to me is saying I use physical discipline as my primary discipline strategy or name-calling or whatever the case may be. There's lots of different things that can fall under that word, in my opinion.
Brandy: I really like that explanation Jen, I think that punishment does have that negative connotation that goes with it. So, I like associating pain with punishment versus consequence.
Jen: Consequences can be a good or a bad thing, I mean, punishment is never let me just say the word, and it's not like there's good punishment. It's just always bad punishment and if we're wanting to teach our kids skills for the real world, we all as adults have consequences. They are negative or positive, so that's the way I like to think about it.
Brandy: I have this thought go through my brain as you were talking about this, Jen, and I think a lot of times people think that authoritarian type parenting style is the best because your kids are obedient. They do what they're supposed to do and yes, short term, they are obedient. They do the things that you want them to do but as soon as that parent is not around, that's when you tend to get a wild child. No one's here to make me do that, so I'm going to go do what I want to do. And it's the complete opposite of probably what the parent would have wanted them to do in the first place.
Jen: Yeah. It's that I'll obey because I'm afraid and we never want our kids to be afraid. All right, the next one is indulgent or supportive. So here we have low control and high warmth, so that means low supervision and high love.
Brandy: This is also known as permissive, if you are familiar with the parenting styles permissive, that's what this type of parenting style is.
Jen: And if you're into love and logic, this is the helicopter parent. So, where there is little control, but there's a lot of warmth, we want to rescue our kids and everything. They make a mistake at school, we're going to go and fix it for them, things like that.
Brandy: So, with the permissive parent, I want you to imagine this. What if there was no driving rules? There is no age limit, there's no line on the roads, there are no rules for driving. Would life be like? Crazy chaos! Chaotic, right? And that's kind of what this permissive parent is doing to their child. They don't have any guidelines, they don't have any rules, they tend to be wishy washy, they're not consistent. And so really a permissive parent, even though they're showing lots and lots of love, they don't have that supervision or those rules or those guidelines, they're really creating a very chaotic life for their child.
Jen: And I think this is like where we want to be a friend more than a parent and that can cause its own issues. And I just want to, as I'm thinking about it right now, just so I don't forget if you are in this parenting style or in any of these parenting styles, that's okay. That's where you're at, that's what you're doing the best that you can do at the time you're in. And so, I just want you to know you're doing the best that you can, and we're just giving you some information that you can maybe pick and choose some things that you want to try out to try something different.
Brandy: Jen, I love that you said that because I really thought I was a democratic parent, which will get into. I thought it was the good balance that we need to be, but as I started researching and studying this, I'm like, ah, I think I am kind of progressive, especially at bed time. This momma does not hate that time, I hate sending them to bed at a certain time and then being alone in their bedroom. And yeah, so at bedtime, I'm definitely a permissive parent.
Jen: I think there is times, too, where we're all kind of these different, different parenting styles, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. We want to make sure that we are making sure that we're not doing any harm for our kids or things like that emotionally or physically. But I think we all dip into all of these different parenting styles from time to time. But again, I just think we're all doing the best that we can with the information that we have, with the histories that we have. And this is just a great time to learn something different and then we can choose what we want to apply.
Brandy: I just wanted to share something that children learn from this permissive type parenting style and we talked about with the authoritarian children learn to fear their parents, and they kind of tend to become a wild child when they get out from underneath that control. But we have permissive parenting children have a hard time learning responsibility because they haven't had to follow those rules. They do what they want most of the time, what pleases them and so they actually have a hard time also respecting other people's boundaries. So, I like to use the example if a child says, hey, you want to come over to my house after school and play and the other child says, well, I have to go do my chores, my homework first. The child that comes from a permissive parent will really have a hard time understanding and accepting why this child just doesn't come to their house and play with them.
Jen: Yeah, I think it's when they're out in public it can be that child that has a hard time with authority teachers, police officers, principals, whatever the case may be, they have a really hard time because they're not used to that at home. All right, we have come to the last parenting style and that is the democratic and respectful or authoritative. Or if you love love and logic, this would be the consultant, so this one has high control and high warmth, so you balance that kindness with fairness. You take the time to listen and understand how your children feel.
Brandy: You work together with your child to solve problems instead of telling them what to do or not even caring.
Jen: You have clear rules and expectations.
Brandy: And you're consistent in following through on consequences and then the behavior plans.
Jen: This is the one that I choose to do on my good days and just working with your child, really feeling out how they are seeing in the situation. How are they feeling? It's more having conversations and really problem-solving together or having me give some ideas or give some guidance, but really allowing my stepdaughter to choose how she fixes things. We just had a big conversation about, she's in high school now, and so there's football games and there's friends and there's sleepovers, and there's all of this stuff that she wants to do. Being a step parent where every other week where she's with us, but she had a birthday party, she had Halloween celebrations with friends, so that was her mom's weekend. So, she stayed with her mom, she went to all of those weekend parties and activities. But then the following weekend was supposed to be our weekend, but she had a friend that doesn't ask her to come over very often, ask her to do a sleepover. So, it was like, all right, you know, we really love you, we want to see you, we've missed you, those kinds of things. But this is really your choice, you know, you can choose to come and be at our house that's one solution, and we can take you to those activities. Or you can choose to stay home, you can solve it however you want to solve it, but we want you to know we love you. We would love for you to be at our house, but it's ultimately up to you. And it worked really well, I feel she walked away knowing that we loved her and we wanted her in our home, and she came back and said, it's not going to be this weekend, and I'm so glad because I get to come to your house and kind of just chill and relax, because my husband and I are chill and relax. And in her home, her mom's home, she's a go getter, she's going all the time, which is not a bad thing. It's just very different personalities than what we are, so I'm glad that she feels like she can come over and chill in our house. But I'm grateful for the way we handled it and that it just that time it worked out perfectly.
Brandy: Yeah, that's a great example of a democratic type parenting style, she had two different things that were happening. And you said, these are the boundaries, you can only do one of them, you can't really, you know, spend the time with us and go to the party. So, you really have to choose one, so you set those boundaries for her, but you allowed her to choose within those boundaries. And that's what a democratic parent does is help them look at all the options, we're going to set these boundaries and then we allow them to choose. And then we follow through with what their choice is.
Jen: Even if it's negative, I feel like we need to allow them to have those natural consequences if they're positive or negative, unless it is a safety issue. I just think kids want number one, they want to be heard and they want to be validated in their feelings and in their ideas. But they also want those boundaries and those limits they want to know okay, I'm going to be safe in this area as far as I go but this is the line where I don't feel safe, I need to get a parent to help me out. It's kind of like I think about a little toddler with their blanket, so that security for them of knowing I have something that's going to keep me safe snd yeah, they're not going to ask for these things, but really, when we implement them, they really thrive.
Brandy: It reminds me that I was sitting on a training one time and we were talking about parenting styles. And the facilitator shared that there were these two boys sitting in an office and one had a permissive parent and the other one had a democratic type parenting style. And the democratic type parenting style looked at the other boy and said, I wish I had you, you could just go do what you want, take the car you could drive, come home any time you want. And the other boy looked at that boy and said, I wish I had yours, because at least you know your parents love you.
Jen: So, yeah, kids, when they don't have those boundaries and limits, they can feel like they're not loved. And I think it goes with if there's too much like the authoritarian, you have so much control you must not like, be kind of a thing. Kids just don't have that ability to see outside of the box, it revolves all around them and it's just they think the decisions we make or how we act really is a reflection of them. And they're the bad kid, so just remembering, you know, sometimes we have to think, how would my kid think about this?
Brandy: Another thing I love about this democratic or authoritative parenting style is kids are learning that their choices count. They matter, especially if we follow through with the choices that they make. And I think that that's very powerful for a child and second of all, they learn that these choices carry responsibilities. There is a consequence based on the choice that I make positive or negative consequence, but there is a consequence that goes with the choice that I make. So, they learn that choices carry responsibility as well.
Jen: I just think all kids are going to fight for control just like we as adults fight for control and the more control we can give them through choices through allowing them to problem solve, the less power struggles we're going to have. So just something to ponder on and again, remember, we're all in different places, we're all doing the best that we can. So, remember to be kind to yourself, especially if you're going to implement something new that's going to feel uncomfortable for a bit. So be kind to yourself and just keep trying, whatever you choose to change within your parenting style,
Brandy: I've been asked like, where do you get your parenting style from? And it really does come from, how did your parents’ parent you? That's where we learn and then from there, because I was very much authoritarian with my older two girls but as I've learned and been educated about the democratic style, I feel like I'm more democratic parent with my eight-year-old. And so, yes, you can change your parenting style takes work, but you can do it. Another thing to think about us, like what we talked about earlier, that you can parent different child children differently. It just happens their developmental stage that their hand brings out a certain style or certain situations. You may parent the child one way and then a situation comes up in your parenting in a different way. So just know that this is all normal, we do have a main style that we parents, but like Jen said earlier, we can fluctuate through all of them, and that's normal, that's okay.
Jen: Like, I'm just thinking if my child brought home drugs and was wanting to do drugs in my home, I'm not going to be democratic. I'm not going to sit down and talk to her about this, I'm not going to just say, yeah, go ahead and do whatever you want. I'm going to say, heck, no, get that out of my house and we're going to have a very strong conversation about this. So, yes, I agree, in different situations, I never want people to think that I'm saying, yeah, we just we always talk to our kids, we always give them what they want. But I had a parent tell me that one time from a parenting class, they're like, oh my goodness, you're just going to let your kids do whatever they want, and you're just going to talk to about things. It's like, no, there are things that are like a no-go and there are times where am like yeah, I don't care go ahead and do what you want. I love you tons, but go ahead and make the decision on your own. But yes, there are certain things that are like, nope, and there's no discussions but those should be rare. All right, if you are wondering what your parenting style is, we have put in the show notes a link that you can go and find out what your parenting style is. So hopefully that will help you out, we want to thank you for joining us today on The Parents Place podcast. We hope you have a wonderful week if you need to get a hold of myself or Sarah you can reach us at Parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org and if you have questions for Brandy, you can reach her there as well. You can also find us on Facebook Jen Daly - The Family Place, Brandi Mouritsen - The Family Place.
Jen: And if you would like to get to texts a week with parenting tips, text TFP at 33222. We hope you have a great week and we will see you back here next week.
Sara: Thanks again for listening, The Family Place is a non-profit organization in Logan, Utah, with a mission to strengthen families and protect children. We call ourselves starfish throwers, if you're unsure what that means, refer back to our introduction episode where we explain it. The good news is you can be a starfish thrower too, by subscribing to the Parents Place podcast and liking our social media pages. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with others and help us get our message out to more people. Also, be sure to check the show notes for links to information referenced in this episode. That's all for now, but we'll catch you again next time on The Parents Place.
Resource: Parenting Styles Quiz: https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/parenting-style-quiz#1
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