Why does sibling rivalry happen? Do kids grow out of it? Is there anything parents can do to help reduce these behaviors in their home? Learn the answers to all of these questions and more in this episode!
Listen Here:
Can't Listen? Read the Transcription Here:
Jen: Hello and welcome to the Parents’ Place, a podcast put out by the Family Place for parents to develop skills that will strengthen families and provide tools that will help each of us in our parenting efforts. No matter our skills, we can always use reminders that help us work towards a safer, happier home. I'm your host, Jennifer Daly, the education director at the Family Place and my co-host is Sara Hendricks, a family educator at the Family Place. Every week, we will interview professionals that will provide valuable information that will make a difference when you apply it directly to your life. Thank you for joining us. Now, let's get started with today's episode.
Sara: Welcome back to the Parents’ Place podcast, I'm your host, Sara Hendricks.
Jen: I'm your co-host, Jen Daley,
Sara: So I'm really excited about today's episode. This is a topic that I am very much in the heart of as a parent and wanted to learn more about and help provide information to our listeners of the things that I have found. So today we are going to talk about sibling rivalry, so let's define sibling rivalry before we move on.
Jen: So I found a great article and positive parenting solutions on the web and sibling rivalry is jealousy, competition, and fighting between brothers and sisters. And so really, that's a very general definition, but it hits it right on the nose.
Sara: So when you think about those things: jealousy, competition, fighting between brothers and sisters, why does that happen with siblings most often? And when you think about this logically, because they are around each other the most. And they live with each other and they are in a safe space to express these big feelings versus when they're at school and feel like they need to be on their best behavior or when they're with their friends and they don't want to feel embarrassed about these feelings that they're having. But when they're with their siblings, they can be fully who they are and let it all out. So it just makes sense that sibling rivalry happens.
Jen: I also like to think about all of the things that kids have to share. I mean, I remember when I was growing up, my sister and I shared clothes, even though I got mad at her and I would hide them and she would still find them and wear them. At one point there was three girls in my house, in one bed. We had a queen size, back in the day ,waterbed, and because there was three girls and one boy and so there were three girls in the water bed. And that happened because of the fact that my brother was getting too old to share a bedroom with his little sister. So, so she got booted. And that didn't change until my older sister went to college. And then my brother went to a different country for a bit, and so my brother would have been 19 years old before myself and my sister got our own bedrooms. Wow.
Sara: So we share a lot. Yeah. Well, and you have to think about family dynamics and what our kids are experiencing because I mean, even though your situation, you guys are sharing a room. My sisters and I, I was late elementary school when we all split off into our own bedrooms and we still fought plenty and my children now my two oldest fight like cats and dogs, and they don't share a room. And so it's like, what else is happening here that causes the sibling rivalry?
Jen: Well, I like in the article as well that it also talks about how not only sharing things, but they're having to share parents’ time and attention, just anything. Now you're having to compete for that and compromise.
Sara: I mean, think about you want to watch a movie? Well, now you have to agree on what you're going to watch and who's going to dominate and get their way, and the other is going to feel upset or jealous.
Jen: We quickly learned that my mom would say, OK, you get 15 minutes of your cartoon and you get 15 minutes of your cartoon, well, quickly we learned that kind of stunk, so you don't
Sara: Get the whole episode.
Jen: No, you would learn to compromise quickly. But I also think about what happens if our spouse came home with an additional spouse and said, OK, now you have to get along with this other person and you have to get along. You have to share your clothes. You're the same size. You like the same things. So now you share. So I think looking at it from that perspective also kind of helps put it into a clearer picture of what kids have to do.
Sara: For sure, that is quite the visual that I don't want to process what that would look like in a relationship. But our children, they're doing it every single day, having to get along with their siblings and compromise.
and they don't
Jen: Have the developmental skills to understand as an adult would. And so they're trying to figure this out as well. Yeah. And trying to figure it out with limited information.
Sara: Yeah. So if you take a child's brain that child development and where their brain is, they also don't know how to feel empathy or put themselves in somebody else's shoes. When we say that kids think the world revolves around them, there's truth to that because they don't know how to put themselves in somebody else's shoes to understand how they're feeling in a situation. So then when they walk into a room and see a toy that they want to play with, that's all they care about is that they want to play with that toy. It doesn't matter that sister is playing with it already,
Jen: And it doesn't matter that they hurt sister to get it from them. Exactly. All they care about is they got the toy.
Sara: Yeah, and so we have to remember that children's brains aren't developed to understand these different perspectives, and so we need to, as parents recognize that and be able to help them learn how to empathize.
Jen: Yeah, I always think just because it's developmental doesn't mean we excuse it and say, Oh, that's just developmentally what's happening. So we're just going to let them do that. That's not OK. We still need to teach them how to do it, and that's how they're going to learn. And that's how they're going to develop further is by learning through experiences.
Sara: Right? We don't just write it off as, oh, well, they don't have the brain development to be able to handle that. And so it's fine for them to act that way. But as parents, we are providing the skills for them to further their development.
Jen: You think about just how the brain develops and the connections that the brain makes. I mean, they don't make it all by themselves. They have to have experiences to make those connections. And so the more we can have them experience it and then experience good solutions and things like that, that's what's going to be made strong in their brain development, for sure.
Sara: So it's absolutely normal for siblings to fight. And you know, it's something that when I go into the schools, we teach the children about abuse prevention and we talk about physical abuse and we talk about emotional abuse. And often in these two conversations in every classroom, it seems to happen that a child will raise their hand and say, Well, what happens when my sibling does that to me? You know, we defined physical abuse as leaving marks on the body, and we define emotional abuse as making us feel bad or scared over and over again. You know, it's hurting our bodies on the inside through words, right? And our siblings do these things to us. I think that's a pretty typical thing that happens in homes. And so when they asked that as a facilitator, I always say, Oh, we have this thing called sibling rivalry, and for whatever reason, siblings just can't seem to get along. And they treat each other this way. And then I always put it back on the parents. If you're having a hard time with this, you need to talk to your parents because ultimately, that's where this problem is going to get resolved is in the home with parents and what parents allow to take place in their homes. But it's perfectly normal that siblings have this rivalry because when you go back to that definition, jealousy, competition and who do we spend the most time with? Our siblings! So it makes sense that they're the ones that are going to feel jealous of each other and feel that competition. And what I think is most interesting and really awesome that if your children are having this sibling rivalry, it's a reflection of their attachment to mom and dad that they love mom and dad so much that they want that attention from them. And so they feel jealous when another sibling is receiving that attention. And if mom or dad compliments the one sibling, well, I want that compliment too. So they feel that jealousy and competition. So it is a reflection of the attachment that children have to their parents, which is really awesome. But we also need to help with this rivalry
Jen: Because one thing that can happen with that, they want your attention so much you are their superhero is that you are the ones that they want to be with and have fun with and learn from. But if we're going to give one child more attention over another child, that child may turn to negative attention or negative behaviors to gain that attention. And that's when we need to readdress of how much time we're spending with each child so that we're not making our children or teaching our children, they get our attention because of the negative behaviors that they're doing.
Sara: Yes, I totally agree with that. And when we understand that children are vying for our attention as parents, they don't care if it's good or bad attention, it's just attention. And if negative behaviors get attention from mom and dad, they're going to do negative behaviors to receive that.
Jen: Yeah, I had an experience once when I was babysitting years ago for a friend before I was married and had kids, I was brushing the little girl's hair, getting her ready for bed. And her dad came home and her dad worked really long hours. And so of course, she wanted to see him and be with him. And so I was brushing her hair, and all of the sudden it was like, Ouch, Jen, you're hurting me, you're hurting my head. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. And her dad's like, Knock it off. You don't treat Jen that way, sit and get your hair brushed. And so this is her first interaction with her dad coming in the house after work. And so we finished brushing her hair. And then it was time to change for from her clothes to her jammies, and she just was being a stinker. So her dad said, come sit on this chair right now. Well, then she came and sat on the kitchen chair, but then she started leaning forward. So there was only two legs of the chair on the floor and her dad's like, You need to put all four legs of the chair on the floor right now. And then he's like, So she did that, and then she started to get up and kind of walk away from the chair being sneaky. He's like, sit back down on that chair. And she sat back on the chair, but she got up and she walked again. I mean, she was probably about four, three or four at the time, and he finally got mad enough to where he said, Go down to your bedroom. And she went down to her bedroom and guess who followed her? Just a few minutes later, her dad. And guess what? She got one on one attention from her dad. So all of those behaviors watching that play out was just her trying to get some good and positive attention from her dad when he came home from work.
Sara: Yeah, I think that as parents, we think, well, they're misbehaving. I can't give in to that or they're just going to walk all over me. But oftentimes, if we just take a step back and look at the bigger picture, they're really just seeking some of our attention and we can give it to them in a positive way instead of that negative attention through consequences or whatever.
Jen: I always like to say every behavior is communicating a need. And if we can keep that in mind, then we can deal with it by finding out what the need is instead of jumping right in to deal with the behavior. The need is more important, and the more that we focus on that need, the less, hopefully, we will have to deal with the negative behavior.
Sara: Yeah, it makes me think of what Dr. Dave said when we had him on the podcast, talking about protective factors, he said. We start to get so focused on the behavior that we forget about the person and the person is what matters, not the behavior. So the thing that drew me to want to have a discussion on this topic is because I was just thinking about some things when it comes to sibling rivalry and with my own siblings, oftentimes we say it's fine, they'll grow out of it. But do they grow out of it? No, I mean, it gets better. Yeah, you stop living under the same roof.
Jen: You don’t see each other as much.
Sara: Right. But when conflict arises, you still have that rivalry and you still are vying for mom and dad's attention. You still feel the jealousy and the competition between your siblings when you're seeing them be successful and you're internalizing that of, well, what am I doing wrong or how do I get some of that success? Like, do you really grow out of it? It just looks differently as you grow up.
Jen: I think one thing that really encourages sibling rivalry is the labels that we put on our kids. If you're the smart one, you're the successful one, you're the
Sara: The athletic, artistic...
Jen: You're the dancer, you're whatever it may be. We label and then we ourselves may not feel like our label measures up to our brothers and sisters labels.
Sara: And those labels can go both directions like those were all positive. But it could be, you're the wild one.
Jen: You're the problem child.
Sara: So it goes both ways with those labels and internalizing and, you know, feeling more superior because, oh, they're the wild one, not me. And it just creates more competition, either direction those labels go.
Jen: I think one thing that can really help with this is letting kids know instead of putting this label on them. You did a really great job practicing for your soccer game and that paid off. You made a goal today, and I'm so proud of you or all of your studying went really well and you worked really hard and you got an A on that spelling test, whatever it may be, instead of putting that label on they’re an athlete or they're the smart one. It's more of recognizing what they've put into do well in whatever they're doing.
Sara: Yeah, that it's the effort that they're putting into it, that you're recognizing instead of just putting that label on them. And so instead of saying in our family, you are the most talented at playing the violin, you know, that's putting a label on them that they're better than everybody else in the home. Instead of doing something like that, you just say, I can tell that you have worked really hard and you've been practicing a lot and it is paying off. You know, that's not putting a label saying that they're better than anybody else. It's focusing on the effort that they've put into it.
Jen: Oh, on a side note, putting that pressure on that they are an athlete or they are so smart or they are so talent. They’re the best violin player that puts a lot of pressure on kids and then that can cause negative feelings or that negative pressure on kids, but they have to live up to that. And are they the best violin player ever? No. You know, we need to realize when we talk in absolutes like that, that puts a lot of pressure on kids, and sometimes they just can't live up to that. I mean, sometimes our talents get max at a certain point, and that doesn't mean we're bad at it. It's just that is our level of growth there, and there's always going to be someone better out there than us. But dang it, they did a great job practicing the violin all the time.
Sara: Yeah, absolutely. It's OK to compliment them on their accomplishments, and we're just trying to avoid those labels. You know, we still want to build them up and encourage them, but it doesn't mean that they are number one in our family at that thing. And now everybody else is afraid to even try because they know they're not going to be as good at that as their sibling is, or they feel that competition that they want to outdo their sibling. So we're just trying to avoid that kind of reaction within our children. But obviously, we still want to build our children up and encourage them to keep putting in effort. That's something that I've noticed with my children that if I compliment one of them, I'm like, Wow, you are so good at drawing. I have a child that is very artistic, and when she shows me the things that she creates, I'm always blown away. And so for me to say, Wow, you are so good at drawing her sister instantly will throw in something that she's good at. Well, I'm really good at doing cartwheels or whatever it is like. She feels that she needs to be complimented, too. And I always have to like, say, Hey, it's not a competition, it's OK that she's good at doing this and that I complimented her for this hard work that she just did in creating this picture. And to help my kids understand like that doesn't mean that I'm saying she's better than you. I'm just complimenting her. And that's OK for her to receive a compliment in this moment. So it's OK to be open with our kids and help them recognize that kind of interaction between parent and child. So the big question can we reduce sibling rivalry in our homes? And what can parents do to help with this? Yes. So I have to say another thing with what drew me to this topic and wanting to learn more about it. I had a huge epiphany as I was working through some of this. So with my kids school, they do a science fair, and I had talked one of my kids into doing a social experiment that let's see if our behavior towards our siblings changes their behavior towards us. And so she was super excited about this because she was in on a secret that her sisters weren't in on. Right? This was just between me and her. We couldn't tell her sisters that we were doing this experiment, or it would skew the results, right? They know that we're trying to be nicer to them. And so we had made a plan of what we would do to be nicer and how we could make better strides towards being nicer to her siblings. We made a plan for what we would do in moments where we want to explode on them and how we could back up and reset and not have that kind of reaction in a situation. And we also made a plan where if I was noticing some negative behaviors in the things that this child was doing to her siblings, that we would have a code word for me to say that codeword as a check for them. Oh yeah, I need to step back because I'm doing this experiment. And so she loved being involved in all of that and having all of these little secrets just between me and her that when I say that code, she is the only one that knows what that means. And making all these efforts to try to be nicer to her sibling. And I'll tell you, in the beginning, it was rough. Her sister that she fights with the most was not receiving it very well, and the sister that was trying to put in all this extra effort was really discouraged. Like, why am I doing this? She doesn't even care, or she still treats me like garbage, you know? But as it went on, her sister did start to get more receptive of the things that she was doing. And there were some mornings before school that that seems to be when the most fighting happens is first thing in the morning. And there are some mornings that I was like blown away in the change in behavior between these two kids. They were so kind. They were giggling. They were helping each other. And so we did a science experiment to test this. But I just had this epiphany that what I do as a parent and the effort that I'm putting in will make a huge difference in the relationship that my children are harvesting between them.
Jen: Agreed. Kids go off of what we put out there and kids will follow that. And I think when they see us as parents being kind to our siblings or to all of the kids in the home or whatever it may be, that is just more examples of how we should behave. Because no matter how old they are, they I mean, I still look at my parents and see how they react to others. And it's amazing. So the more we put into it, the more we'll get out of it, for sure.
Sara : So as parents, we're modeling behaviors and our children are picking up on that as that's the appropriate way to respond to things. And when you think about in the walls of your own home, how you behave versus outside of your home, it is different. Sometimes, maybe not all of the time, but sometimes you lose control of your temper and get mad and react in ways that you maybe wish you wouldn't and you feel regret afterwards. But in that moment, you lost control. And we don't typically lose control in public settings, right?
Jen: I was going to ask, Is this in the home or in public
Sara: Right within our homes?
Jen: Because I think parents, some people lose that in public as well.
Sara : Yes, for sure. But our children are learning that that's appropriate responses. So what we're doing in our home matters and how we're treating our family matters. And so it's an amazing opportunity as parents to help our children navigate these conflicts and find resolutions when they're in our homes so that when they do go out into the real world, they're going to be better equipped, working with other people and with their friends and be able to resolve the problems that come up along the way.
Jen: I also think when sibling rivalry does occur that you know you're all in the same boat kind of thing, we're all going to have consequences. Now the one that didn't start it, or if you feel like there is an imbalance there, you can still have a consequence, but it can be a lighter consequence to where you and me have to sit down together and talk about this while your sister goes and settles down or whatever the case may be. But I feel it's a great opportunity for kids to learn. Number one, you're going to hold to your word that both of you are going to have a consequence, but also it lets them know that this is not OK behavior. We're not going to treat each other like this. I like what it says here in the article. It says time spent in the corner will not teach the child how to resolve conflict, but make sure that you're taking that time instead of sending them off by themselves that you're there with them. You're teaching them how to regulate their emotions, bring them down and talk about what can we do differently? Because just sitting by yourself is just going to make kids madder, and then you're going to see more behaviors. Teaching kids conflict resolution is super important because they're going to have it throughout their lives. So making sure that we're taking time and teaching that is going to be really beneficial for our kids.
Sara Definitely. So I also think that it's not necessarily productive to try to teach right in the moment when something has already exploded because these children are no longer in their thinking brain. They just care about how they were wronged. Right. And so maybe a situation got out of control and we have to enforce some consequences. But that doesn't mean we can't come back to it later and talk to them individually. How could we have handled that differently? What do you think we could have done? I think as parents, don't get me wrong. Sibling rivalry is not my favorite thing. It drives me crazy and I get super frustrated. Like, just get along you guys and fight over the most ridiculous things. Sometimes, like, Seriously, why again, are we doing this? You know, and it gets really frustrating as a parent. But I also think that it's important as a parent to not just ignore it every single time. So I'm not saying we get involved every time. It's important for children to learn how to resolve conflict on their own and not have mom or dad always save them because mom and dad are not always going to be there. But to have this mentality as a parent, oh, it's just sibling rivalry. They'll grow out of it. No, we do need to be teaching our children how to resolve these problems and not let it always resort to the extreme measures that children will take, you know, with hitting or breaking things or whatever kids do to resolve that problem, that makes them feel good. But the other child obviously had a negative experience in that situation. So there are lots of things that parents can do to help with this. And for me at the very top of this is establishing in your home what your family values are and by having family values, we then can have that be the umbrella to help us as parents know when we get involved. And so in my home, we have a family value that we're kind to each other. I tell my kids in our home, we treat each other with kindness and respect because outside of this home, we have no control over how other people treat us. So in this home, we know that it is a safe space, that we are kind and respectful to each other. Always. And so when my kids are fighting, when I realize it's time for me to get involved is when name-calling starts happening or when hitting starts happening. You know, those are not acceptable in my home because we have a family value that we are kind and respectful to each other. So it's OK that you're having a disagreement about a situation, but name-calling just happened, and that's not OK. And so now I need to get involved and help resolve the issue with them, help them work through the process by me giving questions and helping navigate feelings. You know, using those I feel statements, helping my kids express that versus just, you did this, you did that. I'm mad at you. By pulling in those feelings statements, they're able to process more of how this situation is making them feel,
Jen: And you're also teaching empathy to the other child. I mean, really, understanding how other people feel is super important, and that's a great way for kids to learn that.
Sara: Yes, for sure. Because even though developmentally, eventually kids learn empathy, we can help progress that by teaching it to them and helping, like, point out in the situation like, See how upset they are. It's because you took that away from them. They were playing with it and having a good time. And now all of a sudden it's gone and they're having a negative experience. Think about how you would feel if it was reversed and you were the one that was playing with it and now somebody took it from you. So we're just helping them develop those skills.
Jen: And I'll say it again. I think I said it on a couple episodes ago of reading books that deal with these kind of things because there's plenty of children's books out there that deal with sibling rivalry of sitting down, reading it with your children and then going through the steps of problem solving before it comes in. The book teaches them as well see if they can come up with other solutions that the book is not going to come up with.
Sara: Yeah, I definitely. That's why I think it's so great to ask your children, what do you think we should do to resolve this problem? I also think that it's important to not assume that you know what happened. You may have heard it. You may have witnessed it with your own eyes, but our children are the ones experiencing it, and they're the ones that have feelings attached to what happened. And so rather than assuming the situation, always reflect it back and ask our children for their perspective, have them tell you what happened and you reflect back, well, this is what I saw. So now I need to know what you experienced in this situation.
Jen: I really like the quote, “Their perspective is the reality,” and we need to realize even though kids grow up in the same home, they have different perspectives, and their perspective to them is their reality.
Sara: Yeah, for sure. I mean, even as adults, we could both experience the exact same thing, you know, think about like a trauma. We're both in a car accident together. We're going to walk away with different feelings from that experience. It's going to affect us differently. Even though we both were in the exact same experience. As parents, we need to be regulated. We can't also be explosive in the situation or it's not going to go anywhere, it's just going to turn into a big battle.
Jen: I always like to say, if you're in a battle with your child, the child is winning because they're avoiding whatever is coming next. So we have the brain development that skills all of that to be able to make sure that we're regulated before we go into a situation. And sometimes that means taking a step back saying, OK, I can hear them fighting, but I need to take a minute or two just to get myself in a safe, regulated space before I go and handle that so that you don't have three or four explosive people trying to solve a problem.
Sara: I really like that if you're in a battle with your child, they are winning. I think that it's absolutely true. Their actions has caused us to lose control or have affected us in a way that we're now in this battle. So they're winning. They have control over us because of their behaviors. It's affecting how we feel. So I think that's awesome. That's a great quote. And it just furthers that point of we need to be regulated and in our thinking brains to help our children, even though it is the most irritating thing, sibling rivalry, because it happens all the time. But I can say in my house it's improved a lot because I have been putting in the effort as the parent to help navigate sibling rivalry. I don't step in and get involved hardly at all unless it turns into affecting our family values. And that's when I get involved and my kids will resolve things on their own and find solutions on their own. But I still have conversations with them later about, Hey, you guys are fighting and I really appreciate that you were able to resolve that. What did you come up with or, you know, helping them understand and recognize the positives in the situation as well.
Jen: I think that just congratulating them or telling them how proud you are of them for solving that can go a long way. And I think kids need to hear that when they do solve things on their own without a parent having to get involved. They need to hear that they did a good job, right?
Sara : They need to recognize that that was a good way to solve the problem so that they resort to that next time. You know that positive reinforcement. Because here's the thing these children are in our home for 18 years. This is our life for 18 years with that first child. But then we still have others that continually live in our home until they turn 18. And so we can't just brush it off as they'll grow out of it. This is your life. Like, if you don't enjoy that in your home, then we need to find ways to help with it. You know, there's not going to be perfect harmony in our homes all the time, and there shouldn't be because we need to have this conflict resolution to learn these skills. Right? And so it's fine to have these problems. But if it's something that is just driving you crazy, there's things you can do about it to help.
Jen: All right, Sara. I think we've talked about a lot of great things today, and I hope that we've let you know that, yes, we know that sibling rivalry is normal. It's not going to go away, but there's a lot that we can do to help it. And, you know, being a peacemaker, taking away those labels, regulating ourselves, teaching our kids about conflict resolution, all of those things can really help us make our house a more peaceful place to be. And really teaching our kids lots of great skills. I want to thank everyone for coming and listening to us today. If you want to get in contact with Sara or myself, you can reach us at parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org or on Facebook. Sarah Hendricks - The Family Place or Jen Daly - the Family Place. We hope you enjoyed this episode, and we'll see you next week.
Sara : Thanks again for listening. The Family Place, a non-profit organization in Logan, Utah, with a mission to strengthen families and protect children. We call ourselves starfish throwers. If you're unsure what that means, refer back to our introduction episode where we explain it. The good news is you can be a starfish thrower too by subscribing to the Parents Place podcast and liking our social media pages. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with others and help us get our message out to more people. Also, be sure to check the show notes for links to information referenced in this episode. That's all for now, but we'll catch you again next time on the Parents’ Place.
Contact: Record questions here: https://anchor.fm/theparentsplace
Email us: parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org
Find us on social media:
The Parent's Place:https://www.facebook.com/groups/196037267839869
Comments