Manners are an important thing to teach our children. It builds their confidence, sets them apart from other candidates in the job market when they are older, and teaches respect. Jen and Sara discuss other manners to teach your children beyond the basic "magic words".
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Jen: Hello and welcome to the Parents Place, a podcast put out by the Family Place for parents to develop skills that will strengthen families and provide tools that will help each of us in our parenting efforts. No matter our skills, we can always use reminders that help us work towards a safer, happier home. I'm your host. Jennifer Daly, the education director at the Family Place and my co-host is Sara Hendricks, a family educator at the Family Place. Every week, we will interview professionals that will provide valuable information that will make a difference when you apply it directly to your life. Thank you for joining us. Now, let's get started with today's episode.
Hello and welcome to the Parents Place. I'm Jen Daly, your host.
Sara: And I'm Sara Hendricks, your co-host,
Jen: And we are excited to have you here today. Today we are going to be having a discussion about manners and it will be a conversation between Sara and myself. We appreciate all of your support and we give out a shout out to Indiana for joining our listener pool. So, Sara, let's get started with manners.
Sara: All right. Well, I think that manners is such an important thing to discuss because I feel like every generation looks down on the generation younger than them and think, “Kids do not have manners” like I did when I was a child. You know what I mean? And I think that manners is something that never goes out of style. And so we, as parents need to know what manners to teach our children. I mean, there's obviously the saying please and thank you and you're welcome, and excuse me, those manners are very important, but there's more manners than just those.
Jen: And I think along with manners, this is we could have like a manners respect because I feel like if kids do have these manners, they're showing respect to that person. And I also feel that we as parents should be using these manners because our children are exact mirrors of what we are. We are, they're teachers. We are the ones that are teaching them how to behave. And so, if we are saying, please thank you, you're welcome and excuse me. They're more likely to do that as well. Are they going to need reminders? Of course! They're learning this process, but we need to be doing it as the example. I remember a time to where I was watching some teachers and there was chocolate mixed with hard candy on the table. And of course, they're in a long conference. So, they're like, I just want the chocolate, I don't want the hard candy. And so, they would pick through and get all of the chocolate. But they had learned where the chocolate was kept, which was just under the table, under the tablecloth. And all of the sudden you see two or three teachers underneath a desk going for the chocolate. Now, if that was our kid, we would be very upset. And that's not being respectful of us not showing manners. That's not doing anything. But we ourselves are OK doing that and that's not OK. We can't put our kids on a higher level of being respectful and showing manners than we're putting ourselves. And so, make sure that we're doing it as well.
Sara: I think that is a really good point, that we hold our children to such high expectations, but yet we don't set that example as adults for them to follow. We just expect them to do those things willy nilly.
Jen: Yeah, you should know this information. You should know how to do this right. And kids don't. And they need a lot of practice. And so with a lot of practice comes a lot of mistakes, and we need to be forgiving of some of that stuff.
Sara: Right. Like I've said in the past, they only have so many years of experience, and so we have to allow room for those mistakes. One other thing I wanted to touch on for why it's important to teach your children manners is just studies have shown that kids that have manners have more confidence in themselves, especially as adults, and they're more likely to get hired in a job if they have manners over somebody who is equally as qualified and doesn't have manners.
Jen: Oh, being one that hires people, if someone doesn't come in and say please and thank you and may I sit or what? You know, all of those things, they just came and sat down, plopped on my couch and was like, Here's me and then got up and laughed. I'd be like, Well, no, thank you.
Sara: Right? OK, so the basic manners saying, please thank you, you're welcome, excuse me, we all know that those are manners, but there's others that fall into manners and respect. So, I would say one of the most important ones is to put others first. This means holding doors for people stepping aside. If we're in the way of somebody coming through, maybe like in a grocery store with a shopping cart or people that are stocking the shelves and have their big carts that they're trying to push through. We teach our children to step aside so that those people can pass us. Also, things like offering the last treat on the tray rather than just taking it for ourselves and giving up your seat, especially that shows so much respect towards adults. If a child is sitting in a chair and it's there's no other chairs available for that child to get up and offer it to an adult because as I am getting older, I am older. Meaning it is not nearly as comfortable to sit on the floor for me as it was when I was a child, it didn't make any difference to me.
Jen: And as I am probably twice your age,
Sara: you are not.
Jen: It's harder for the older folk to get up off the floor. The older you get, so being offered a chair would be really nice. Yes.
Sara: And then just some other ideas for putting others first could be when you see somebody pulled over on the side of the road, you pull over and offer to help them. It could be helping somebody carry in their groceries, especially if you live in like an apartment complex where you're climbing a bunch of stairs and then also just offering a hand when you see a need. Of course, these are manners we're teaching our children, so we also have to be aware of safety.
Jen: So, if we're feeling uncomfortable when we see that person on the side of the road and more like that looks kind of sketchy or I just don't feel comfortable, that's OK to say, OK, I'm not going to help, but we can make a phone call to roadside assistance or to our local police officer or whatever to say, Hey, someone needs some help on the side of the road. That's another great way to offer that support and having those manners. So, we always teach kids to listen to their “Uh-Oh” feeling. It's the same with adults, so we want to provide all of these manners and be nice to people. But if you're feeling the “Uh-oh”, that little friend that lives in your tummy, that goes off when you're in a bad or uncomfortable situation, listen to that. But we can still provide help.
Sara: And while we're on this topic of safety, just because we're teaching our children manners of serving others, offering a helping hand, we also need to teach them that they don't need to help adults as children. If an adult comes to them and says they've lost their puppy, please help me find my dog. We also need to teach our children that adult does not need to rely on the child to help them. The adult can find another adult because that could be a situation where they're being tricked or lured into an unsafe situation.
Jen: But these are all great manners for us as adults to use so that we are teaching our children. So, if we are with our kids, you know, we have our child open and hold open that door. We step aside, we teach them those things
Sara: And that they're seeing us be that example. They're learning that behavior through our example.
Jen: The next manner is phone protocol, and we know that phone protocol. There's lots of things that come along with this. You heard Sara and I talk about technology and how much we love it, which we do. But there's a lot of things that we can do better with when it comes with phones. And so, like talking on the phone. Kids, nowadays, they're so used to just texting or they're used to video chats or something like that. But when it's a phone call, they kind of scramble and don't know what to do, or they use a lot of body language that doesn't, of course, translate through a phone conversation. So, teaching them that they do have to speak up, they do have to say yes and I can hear you or answer the questions or whatever that may be. But just being a part of that phone conversation. So, I'm thinking like grandchildren calling their grandparents, making sure that they are talking with them and not just nodding their head.
Sara: Yeah, I think that's a great way for kids to practice these skills of talking on the phone because as an adult, they're going to need some of those skills. They're not just going to always text with their boss, they're going to talk to them on the phone. And so we need to learn that. And my children have definitely had some very awkward moments on the phone where they're talking to their grandparents. And I can hear stuff on the other end can't make it out. And my child is just sitting there like deer in the headlights, not saying anything like, you have to respond, you can't just sit there, they can't see you. And also, my kids will call me using our Alexa's sorry if I'm setting off anyone's Alexa's in their home right now, but they'll call me and my youngest will. She'll try to show me something, mom, see what I'm holding and talk about the thing that she's wanting me to see. And every time I'm like, Girlfriend, I can't see you right now. We're just talking on the phone like, they don't have that understanding as much because they are so used to those video chats.
Jen: I also think that there's a time where a phone call is much more needed than a text. And so, making sure that we're teaching our children that if there's an important conversation. If someone is in trouble, or they may be mad or whatever the case may be, that really needs to be a phone call or an in-person kind of conversation because text is so crazy and intent really does get lost in a text. And so, if it is an important conversation, making sure we're teaching our kids make that phone call so the intent is not lost on them.
Sara: Definitely, there's so much value in the human voice and what it can bring to a conversation.
Jen: Yeah, absolutely. The other part of phone etiquette or phone manners is just being on our cell phones and making sure that when it's dinner time, we have our cell phones put away. When we're at a family gathering and we're doing activities and things like that have them put it away. We don't need to be on our phones 24-7. So, teaching them when it's appropriate to have it out and when it's appropriate to have it put away, just so we're being respectful to all of those people in the room with us, right?
Sara: What's more important, the people in the room with us or the person on the other end of the phone or the game that we're playing or the social media that we're scrolling? Obviously, those things are far less important than the people that are present in front of us.
Jen: Well, it goes along with just I mean, it's social media over memories. Yeah, I mean, that's not necessarily a manners thing, but I mean, we're missing out on memories if we're constantly on our phones.
Sara: Definitely. OK, so another important manner to teach our children is making eye contact
Jen: And eye contact is a really good thing, especially when they're growing up and working, when they're talking with their teacher at school, even when they're talking with you as a parent. That eye contact allows you to know that they're listening, that they're right there with you. I do know that there are some cultures out there that do not like eye contact. So, making if you have friends in your life that are from different cultures, do that little bit of research to see if that is appropriate within their cultures. So just make sure that we're being respectful to all people.
Sara: Yeah, I was in a school one time doing a presentation and I was standing in the hallway waiting for it to be time to start. And a teacher had come through the hallway and she passed with another student and shook hands with them. And they stood there for what felt like a pretty awkward exchange because she was waiting for that child to make eye contact and she finally taught that child while shaking hands. Look at my eyes, make eye contact with me. And it was really an interesting exchange for me to overhear because as an adult, I feel I've kind of forgotten maybe this manner. I'm not very good at making eye contact. And so hearing her say that, I just thought, Wow, I'm so glad that there's somebody in that child's life teaching them this manner because it's something that's just kind of been lost for myself.
Jen: And one way we can show this with kids and practice this with kids is when we're disciplining getting down on their level and making that eye contact. So, we're not that scary adult that's hovering over them. We're down on their level, we're making eye contact and we know that we're in this conversation together. I know there's many times to where I talk to a family member and there is no eye contact and I'm just going off and no one says anything back and I'm like, “Is anyone listening?” Oh, you were talking.
Sara: So, as you were talking, I had this thought come through my mind of maybe this is why I struggle with eye contact. So as parents, I just want to throw out some words of wisdom here that there's a phrase that comes to my mind when it comes to making eye contact. When we're lecturing our children, we say, “Look at me when I'm talking to you”. And it's when we're upset and lecturing them, right? And I imagine that I've heard this many times in my childhood, and maybe that's why I struggle with eye contact and just kind of feeling that shame and embarrassment and maybe cowering to authority. And so that eye contact sort of has that negative connotation for me, maybe. And so I just want to encourage parents to teach this skill, not when we're lecturing our children, that we're getting down on their level and making eye contact in all kinds of conversations. And not just when we're disciplining
Jen: That goes for all manners. I mean, we don't want to teach them when we're angry or disciplining or anything like that. We want to practice these things when things are going good, because that's when you're getting the full capacity of their brains working. That's when things are going to stick. If we do it, when we're disciplining the brain, it is in a very different state and things don't stick because they're in that flight fight or freeze mode.
Sara: Yeah, definitely. And the other thing when you're talking about how. Everyone's looking down at their phones and not really listening and oh, you were talking, so I joke with my husband when he's on his phone and I start to talk to him, I will say to him, “I need you to listen with your eyes” because just nodding his head. I don't feel like he's fully engaged in what I'm saying. So, I'll wait until you're done. And then I'll tell you, yeah.
Jen: The next manner we want to talk about is to teach them to serve. And we did have a podcast earlier this year on service and how important it is to teach kids to serve. But this really is an important manner to teach our kids is to help each other. We're all in this game of life together and we can help one another, enjoy it a little bit more and just by helping each other.
Sara: And I think that there's more to it than going to specific occasions and doing a service. Just little things like when somebody drops a pile of paper, you drop to the floor and you help them pick it up. You don't just walk past the scene.
Jen: I always think of a smile as a service as well. I mean, it makes me feel so good when a stranger just smiles at you when you're walking by or they say, hello to me, that's a service that they're providing me. They're providing just that little bit of sunshine that may be in a very dark day that day.
Sara: Yeah, that just makes me think, how often have we walked along the sidewalk or in a grocery store or something? And there's somebody at the other end where we're walking towards each other and we're thinking in our minds, “Oh no, how am I going to handle this? Am I going to look at them again? A smile? Am I going to pretend I'm so focused on this thing over here so that I don't have to look their direction?” But if we teach our children this manner of smiling at people and making eye contact, they don't have that nervousness. As they're approaching somebody, they're going to own it and they're going to be the ones to smile at that person first.
Jen: And then they've done two manners in one step. Making eye contact and smiling or saying, Hello.
Sara: Look at that. OK, so the last one we want to talk about is just being polite to people that are providing a service for us. So, like when you're in a restaurant, the waitress is providing a service or when you're paying for something at the store, the cashier is providing a service by running our things through the register and taking our money. And so, teaching our children to be polite to those people, like when they hand us their change, we say, Think you
Jen: I’m just thinking, be polite to someone that's taking my money and just say I don't want them to take my money. But yes, I am buying something. I am purchasing something. So, I need to provide that service even though they are taking my money
Sara: in exchange for the really awesome goods you’re buying
Jen Yeah, even though it's toilet paper, it still has a necessity.
Sara: But in all areas where someone is providing a service, we just need to teach our children to be polite and respectful to those people.
Jen: And I think because my husband and I just had a situation to where we were staying somewhere they were, they were providing us a service in this hotel. And he and I were very polite through the whole time because there were some things that weren't like, we didn't have hot water, the entire stay and things like that, and we were very polite the entire time. But I think there's also a time to where, you know, we have to stick up for ourselves as well. And so, with the polite thing, yes, we're polite all the time. But as someone who was taking advantage of us and they are providing a service, but they're taking advantage of us, we need to stand up for ourselves as well, right?
Sara: We don't want to teach our children to just be walked all over all the time.
Jen: Politeness always comes first. Always, yes. But stand up for yourself if you're being taken advantage of. Yes. All right. So, you might be saying this is a law of manners to be teaching my kids, how am I going to get all of this in? I'm busy, I'm running around. I don't have time to stop and do this, but there is one time that you can practice all of these manners at the same time, and that is at dinnertime or at lunchtime or breakfast. Whenever you're together as a family for meals is a great time to sit down and practice these. The please, the thank you. You're welcome. And excuse me, can you please pass the whatever you're having for dinner that night? You know, putting others first, having your kids help you with setting the dinner table, things like that.
Sara: You could also have your kids be in charge of filling drinks, and so it's their night to offer. Can I refill your glass?
Jen: That's a good one. I think foam protocol is a great one at this time of not having phones at the dinner table, making eye contact when we are having that conversation. Meal times are a great time to learn about each other. And so, making sure that we're having that eye contact teaching them to serve, saying, “Hey mom, although the dishwasher tonight”, or I'll wipe off the table even without being asked. So, teaching them do those things without being asked as a service to you, as a parent. And then just being polite during dinner. So mealtimes are a great way to practice manners, and you can do this seven times a week.
Sara: Also, as we've been recording this, I've had other thoughts come to my mind. So obviously we haven't given an extensive list of manners that we should teach our children. But it just came to my mind that sometimes we realize there's manners we need to teach our kids as it happens. And as a parent and my children, being in an age where they have neighborhood friends that like to play at our house, I realize there's some things I need to teach my kids because of things that have happened in our home where the neighbor kids might get into the kitchen cupboards, you know, like teaching my kids. We don't get into other people's cupboards. That's not polite to do that. Or every time the kids knock on the door to ask my kids to play, I shouldn't say every time it's gotten much better over time. But in the beginning, it was just so awkward they would ask if my kids are home and if they weren't, they would just stand there and stare at me until I'm finally like, Okay, thanks for stopping by and just sort of close the door on them because they just they just stare at me and don't leave. And so teaching my children when it comes to ringing the doorbell just rang at once. Don't ring over and over and over again because that happens at my house, where friends will come to ask if my kids can play and they ring the doorbell over and over again.
Jen: So, I managed to teach my husband that he's out the door and he has something that he needs help with. He'll just ring it over and over and over again, and then that makes the dogs go crazy and then I get angry and frustrated. Yeah, I now I have crazy dogs and a crazy husband who needs help!
Sara: Right? So, some of those manners come as you experience the negative side of it and realize that you need to teach your children. And that's OK. We're all learning as we go. Yes.
Jen: I was just thinking about when you were saying, don't go through your friend's cupboards or things like that. But I think it's also important to teach them that when they are in someone else's home, they may have very different rules than we do for a variety of things. So, making them making sure that we're teaching them to be respectful and follow the rules of the home that they're in as long again as it's safe?
Sara: Yes, I totally agree. All right. Well, I think that covers it for our manners episode for you today. Thank you so much for joining us. And we hope that you found value in this episode. I don't know if you're aware, but the Family Place has a texting app where you can receive some parenting tips. A text goes out every Tuesday and Thursday, typically just twice a week, sometimes less. And we challenge you to join that by texting “TFP” meaning the Family Place, TFP to 33222,
Jen: And just an example of one of the texts that you may get. “Find something to do with your child that both of you enjoy”. So just simple text messages that give you a simple idea that you may want to try.
Sara: And what I really like about it is it's something that you can do the day you receive it to really apply what's being said to just try and implement some of these parenting tips to help strengthen your family and build your relationships with your children.
Jen: And if you missed that, we can put that in, the show notes.
Sara: Yes, we'll definitely have that in the show notes. So, if you want to find us on social media, Jen and I both have a Facebook page. Jen Daily Dash the Family Place. Or Sara Hendricks, dash the Family Place. We also have a Facebook page called The Parents Place, where you're welcome to connect with us and receive parenting information there through all the different family educators that are on that page. You're welcome to email us at parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org. And of course, we invite you to leave a voice message in the show notes. There's a link to do that where you can record a question that you might have in listening to our podcast episodes. That's all that we have for you today, and we'll catch you again next week on the Parents Place.
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