Some words seem like they might mean the same thing, or something similar! Praise and encouragement are one of those sets of words that might seem the same, but are quite different! Come learn about the differences and similarities between praising your children and encouraging them, and learn about the impacts that both have on children.
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Hilary: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast, I am Hilary
Jen: and I'm Jen,
Hilary: And we are excited to have you guys today. We have one of my most favorite people here to join us for the podcast. We have Brandy, who is one of our colleagues. And Brandy is one of these people in the office that kind of does it all. And does it all flawlessly. And so, we're excited she gets to be here with us. But one of her primary positions here at the office is she helps to educate some of our parents. And as we were talking about a topic for today, one of the things that I have noticed in in the field of family life is that the topic of praise, which is something that we talk about a lot. But I almost feel like it's gotten itself a bad reputation the past few years. Parents are a little bit leery of praise nowadays, just because I think that there has been some information that's come out recently about praising your kids too much or kids becoming too dependent on it. And so we want to kind of dissect this topic and help parents to understand that there are good ways to go about. Praising and encouraging your kids because we don't want to stop you from doing that, but there are ways to make it more effective. And then there's obviously ways to make it less effective too.
Jen: It's kind of like time out, you know?
Hilary: Yeah, yeah. Like with our discussion we had a few weeks ago.
Jen: You tell people you can't do all of these things so use time outs. So everybody, uses time out and then it becomes a bad thing. And we tell parents, praise your kids all the time. And then it becomes ineffective. Or kids start depending on it. It's like this all or nothing. And that's not how discipline is.
Hilary: It’s the pendulum swing where we didn't praise our kids at all, and now we preserve them all the time. And now we're swinging back where, oh, we don't want to do that anymore. That's bad.
Jen: So, it's crazy. Poor parents are in limbo, and what do I do all the time?
Hilary: So, with that being said, we're going to start out with this question, Brandy. So, let's start from the beginning when we talk about praise. Do you tend to use the word praise or is there a different word to use? And what exactly does praise? What is it, I guess? Give me a definition for what exactly it is.
Brandy: Thank you, Hilary. I do use a different word. The word I use is encouragement. So, I'll just walk through. I'll define what I say. I think encouragement is versus what I think praise is, and then we can kind of go from there. Praise is more like a reward. A child has to earn it. They've done something for you to give them praise, where encouragement is more like a gift. No one has to earn it. Anyone can receive it. The way I like to distinguish the difference between the two is, let's say your child is running a race. At the end of the race, what do you give the child? Praise. Good job you did it. Congratulations. Where encouragement is what you give along the way, even if they're in last place, you can still give them encouragement. Keep going. You got this. So that's how I kind of distinguish the difference between praise and encouragement. Leaving prices isn't a bad thing.
Jen: Giving praise isn’t a bad thing. Absolutely not
Brandy: Absolutely not
Jen: By any means, it's just we overuse a lot of encouragement. I love that encouragement when you said that you didn't give it to them along the way.
Hilary: Yeah, well, I mean, I even think about I love that. I love the comparison of the race because I'm thinking about kids and there are some kids that are going to win that race every time, and they're going to get a lot of praise for being the fastest and being the best and getting first place. And there's going to be a few kids that will try their very hardest, but we'll probably never win. And so far, waiting to give the praise until they are first, they may never receive it, and they probably have worked just as hard, if not even harder than that other person, and received just as much encouragement than the first second third prize. Kids are so I like that/
Jen: And I like how encouragement can be used when you're not doing so great. Because sometimes we give up if we're not praised for not doing good thing, you know, not doing. Not being the most natural person at running or at art or things like that, but we can encourage them in all of those activities.
Hilary: Mm-Hmm. So do you tend to notice Brandy with kids that are being praised too often that it's teaching them something or that it's sending a message to them?
Brandy: Yes. I actually find this quite intriguing because as I think about my own childhood and was I praised or encouraged, I can definitely see a difference. I can tell what happened to me as a child, as I go through this. So just some things that a child learns from only receiving praise, right? They learn to please people. And there is nothing wrong with pleasing people. It's just when they only receive praise. Then they start to believe that they have to please people to receive that, praise it to receive praise. The more the more that they receive, the more and more that they want, right? So that's how they start to build their self-worth is because they're receiving praise. Then it starts to become a competition for them. They have to win because the only time they're receiving these positive words is through praise. And so they become very competitive. I'm a very jealous person. I couldn't figure out where did this jealousy come from? But as I look back through my childhood, that's what I received as a child. I was praised. I didn't receive encouragement along the way, so I was constantly having to be the best so I could hear those words from my parents. So that's kind of what praise teaches kids. Now, on the flip side, encouragement just teaches kids to appreciate their own qualities because you're pointing out as we'll go through later on in the session is, you know, point out the things that they're good at. So, they appreciate their own qualities. They're able to feel capable because you're pointing out the good things that they're doing and feel worthwhile just for who they are.
Hilary: You know, I've never been an incredibly competitive person. But,
Jen: Are you kidding me right now?
Brandy: Yeah, that was my thought, too.
Hilary: OK? I've been incredibly competitive. I will say I've never been an incredibly competitive person compared to some of my other siblings. You'll have to see them, but I can totally see. Like, I look at that example that you shared and I think, yes, I think the reason they were pushed into that competitive nature was because they were seeking out that praise and that validation. I'm not a competitive person, you stinkers, but I can see how easily kids get in that mindset of needing to be the best in order to feel that validation. And it's that that's really powerful.
Jen: I mean, if that's the only place you're hearing that course, kids want to hear good things about them, and I feel like that's where encouragement really plays a big part because you can get it at any time. You encourage them to. Do good things do try harder the next time to whatever the case may be, but praise really does come after they do something really well and be a car in a pitcher or cleaning up a room or anything like that, you know? Great job for cleaning up your room when you could have been providing, even though they weren't doing the best job of cleaning out their room, provide a little bit of encouragement or noticing the things that you liked along the way.
Brandy: Yeah, yeah. That's what I love about encouragement is it can be given for effort or improvement. I love to use the example of someone playing with a trumpet, right? So, you can say something like, wow, that sounds a lot better than it did a few days ago. Right. So, you're noticing their improvement. It's a way of noticing something special about them. Again, the trumpet example. It sure is nice to have music in our house every day, recognizing that they're there, practicing right? And then also, when things aren't going well, you can still give encouragement. You're right, you did mess up in that solo, but you got right back on track and that is so hard to do, but a great skill that you have.
Jen: So I love that you have these visual things because I feel like it just makes it so much easier to understand. I'm a visual learner so I can see someone playing a trumpet in my mind
Hilary: And I can see them wanting to plug her ears because the trumpet does not sound great.
Jen: But you're working so hard good job! You'll get a little better each day of practice.
Hilary: Yeah, I'm thinking about my own kids and my husband and I have kind of an aha moment. Earlier this school year, because we have three little ones, two of which school comes pretty easily to them. They don't have to work incredibly hard to get good grades. And I have another one that we'll have to probably work a whole lot harder than the other two in order to receive those A's and B's, which is obviously what we I think most parents hope for. But I remember going to parent teacher conference and hearing the grades that that my son was receiving and then hearing the grades that my daughter was receiving and then hearing the grades that my other child was receiving and thinking, “Oh crap, she's not living up to the standards that the other two are, and she must be doing something wrong. Or we must be doing something wrong as parents”. And it hit me that you know what she is. She's working just as hard as the other ones. And just because she doesn't have the A or the B like the other ones do, it doesn't necessarily mean that anything is wrong with that scenario. And so I love that because I think so often we see those grades and we look at our child and we say, ‘Good job, you got the A, let's go get the ice cream for getting the A”, your whatever we do as a reward or as an incentive. But instead of waiting until that, a, you know, checking up on her every week or every night if needs be and saying, yeah, that homework, that was a tough one. You worked really hard on that and then look at that assignment, look at all of those answers that you got right? Rather than saying, look at this end result. Look at this one hundred percent.
Brandy: Yep, that's exactly right. If you have a child that's struggling with math and it's a fight every night and they sit down and they do the first problem, you're like, Yes, we got one down, only nine more to go, let's do it. You know, that's encouragement.
Jen: I watched March Madness for the first year, first time this year, and one of my favorite people because I'm from Phoenix is Charles Barkley, who played for the Suns. And I'm just he now makes me giggle every time I see a commercial or when he's doing the commentary for a game or things like that, he makes me laugh. But he meant he made a comment because it was with the whole I believe it was St. Peter's and they were doing like this little tiny school, doing really awesome. And then they lost. And he said, You know, those boys have probably worked twice as hard as the winning team. And he had said, he said that about all losing teams, about how they work twice as hard than the winning team because it's harder for them. And using that encouragement and everything along the way probably really helped that team go as far as they could. Instead of waiting for them to win the whole thing, yeah, and they probably felt like giants just getting to go how far they went. And that's what we could do for our kids is making them feel so good. Mm hmm. And like giants, because we're giving that encouragement along the way and that helps them learn to. Try harder.
Brandy: And it builds their self-esteem. And that's as parents, that's what we want. Yeah, we want our kids to have good, positive self-esteem.
Hilary: So, I feel like we've done this to a small degree, but let's dive a little bit deeper into maybe some phrases that we can use when it comes to encouragement, maybe some to stay away from. Give us some more concrete ideas on what parents can say to their kids.
Brandy: Yeah. So, when we think about praise, is more kind of words that judge you could say to your child, You're such a good kid. Right? So, a child might think, Am I supposed to be good all the time? What if I'm not good? Am I worthwhile? If I'm not good? If I don't do what dad wants me to do? Right. So the kind of ad those just a child thinks that way. And I know we as adults think that's silly. Why would a child think that way? But we have to remember that our prefrontal cortex is not developed like us as adults. So, we're saying, you're a good kid. But to them, all of these questions go through their head. Encouragement uses words that notice. They focus on what the child has helped with, how the child feels. Thank you for writing such a powerful message for me. Or you seem to be proud to be on the team. So, does this mean that we should never praise our child, right? Because we've talked about this? Absolutely not. Right. Praise is needed. If your child is scored a goal in in a game, you are going to stand up and say, how did that make you feel? No, you're going to praise. Woo-Hoo. You go a little better. The next stronger. Yeah, that's like here you were talking about before this pendulum of praise. We still need to use praise, but more encouragement is what we want to do. So, we still do want to praise our kids.
Hilary: You know, I've heard some I've heard this before, but I'm glad you bring up kind of the good. Good job, good boy, good girl, because I think sometimes we may say that to our kids. Good job. Or you're being a great kid. But if we're not necessarily expressing why they're being a great kid, they may not even necessarily have an idea, right? Right. They're looking around and they're thinking, I'm being good somehow. Is that because I'm standing here? Is it because I'm looking at you? Is it because I mean, and so then they're left with a lot of questions as to how do I continue this behavior when I don't necessarily even know what it was initially?
Brandy: Absolutely. Being specific.
Hilary: OK, so that gives us a good idea on how to how to best kind of those differences. And so give us a little bit more on how we can encourage on a day to day basis.
Brandy: Hey, I'd love to. I can think of four ways that we can encourage our kids four main ways. One is to love and accept your child. Every child is unique and special. They have good days and bad days and ups and downs just like we as adults do, right? So that's one thing that we need to remember is they have good days and bad dates to your child is not always going to do well as well as you would like to do. Are you think that they should do? I have an example of Darnell did an outline for school and the teacher wrote all the red in the margins, and he went to his grandma and said, Oh, my teacher doesn't like my outline at all. But as the teacher read or the grandma read through it, she says, Oh, right here it says this is a good topic. You just need to explain more. Right? So just loving accepting them for who they are and accepting them for their work and then just encouraging them to add a little bit more. Another thing we can do is notice their efforts. We kind of talked about this a little bit. They're trying recognize that you talked about your kids in grades, right? So if the one is bringing home a C and they're feeling really down about that, one thing that you can do is notice maybe the quiz that they got a B minus on or the C Plus that they got on that you can teach them that learning math or that class is more important than what that letter grade is. So those are things that
Jen: I can relate with that because I really stunk at math and I worked really hard like I hired. I mean, even in college, I was I had such a hard time I had to hire tutors. I worked really stinking hard, and the only thing I could pull was a C. It just did not ever click within my brain of math. You know, my sister like that. She thinks, Oh, there's a black and white answer it as simple as pie. And I'm like, No, it's not. So, I understand, you know, working that hard, encouraging along the way and being OK if they have done everything they can do, then a C is almost better than an A
Brandy: One thing about one noticing, they're noticing the efforts. Everything that we learn is small steps, right? Step by step. We don't just sometimes are naturally good at something and it comes, but a lot of times we have to learn. And so, we want to recognize those steps like, think about you as a parent first time you washed, you gave your baby a bath, like how awkward was that right?
Hilary: Slipping all over, you know?
Brandy: But each time you give a bath, you learn something new. Oh, I hold the head in this hand, or this is where I'm going to put the soap. So it's easier. There's those little steps that you learn, and that's what kids, what we want to do is recognize those steps that they're doing to get better at the skill that they're trying to do.
Hilary: Keep going. What else do you have?
Brandy: Oh, appreciating your child, you know, a child needs to contribute to the helping part of the family. And this gives them that sense of belonging. So, for this, I think this is more kind of helping the parent appreciating your child. So, let's just say Nelly is running through the house. Mom hates it when she runs through the house so mom can criticize her and say, I've told you several times not to go running or mom can stop and look at what are the things that she has done that I really appreciate. She took out the trash yesterday without being asked, or she's learning to take off her snow boots at the front door instead of walking through the house. So, when the parent starts to appreciate the things that their kiddos are doing when it comes time to address the running through the house, moms or parent is in a more comfortable state to be able to address that. You know, you're doing really well with doing these other things. You know, can we try running outside instead of inside? So, the parent is more likely to respond to the situation instead of yell or punish for running through the house?
Jen: But they’re in a good spot to teach, and when we don't appreciate those things, we cannot be in a great spot to teach
Brandy: Another thing we want to do is notice what's important to our kids. It may not be important to us at all. Like my daughter when she was younger, loved watching YouTube. How to YouTube, how to make a rubber band slingshot. I had no desire. My mom watches with me and I'm like, It's five minutes of my wasted time, right? But if we take that time and notice that this is what is important to them, then they'll know that any project they do that, we appreciate them.
Jen: Yours was making projects. My stepdaughter was makeup. I walked away looking pretty scary sometimes, But I allowed it!
Hilary: But she sure appreciated the fact that you did.
Jen: And I can appreciate that she loved it. She can always do hers really well. Its when she does it on someone else, she needs more practice which is great. And she loves to practice
Brandy: And you letting her practice let her know that you appreciate that this is what she wants to do. And so, it just helps build that confidence and self-esteem with her. The last thing I would just say is to make sure we have faith in our kids, right? If they know that we have faith in them, they will have that faith in themselves to do it. And so just an example for that one is, you know, Kara wants to mow the lawn. She's 11 years old, so mom and dad say, mom says that make sure you put your safety shoes on. And that's like, OK, put on the safety glasses. Let me show you how to do this. Them having the faith in her to be able to learn how to mow the lawn gives her confidence to know that she can love the one. So, having faith a lot of times I think what we tend to do is we focus on the mistake that they make. And what we really want to do is look at the bigger picture again. What are the step by step improvements that they have made from the first time to the next time to the next?
Jen: You mean I'm not supposed to notice a little line of blades of grass that didn’t get mowed
Hilary: Smile and nod.
Brandy: I appreciate that you mowed the lawn instead of me having to do that.
Jen: Perfect.
Hilary: But you know, I look at all four of those areas that you discuss and I'm just thinking, Man, like this, this is so much more than just encouraging in the moment. This is teaching lifelong lessons like we're talking or teaching them about independence and individuality, and we're talking to them about problem-solving and effort and accomplishment. And I think there's so much more to encouragement than I think oftentimes that quick praise tends to be.
Jen: So now I'm thinking of the brain and I'm visually at my head with all those little wires getting connected through encouragement, you are creating more connections within your kid's brain. It has awesome.
Hilary: OK, so. Where we've talked a little bit about the cautions with praise, is there anything that we need to be cautious about when it comes to encouragement?
Brandy: Yes, and it's just that big buzz word, right? You're saying that positive, but then you add this little negative at the end. So, things like you worked really hard on that. I wish you would do it more often. You just negated those positive words that you said, I trust your judgment. So, don't let me down, right? You know, so yes, you did say the right thing and you were encouraging, but you also negated it. So just be very careful when you're using your words of encouragement that you are keeping it as words of encouragement.
Jen: I almost took that personally. That was like a legitimate sigh
Hilary: But you could see how powerful that would be for a parent to send that child. How much pressure that would put on them. So, yeah, OK. I love everything that we have said today, and I think that the topic we've had today is pure gold. So, we're almost out of time. Any last messages, things that you would encourage as proudly as we kind of close up shop?
Brandy: Yes. I want you to think about the word encouragement. What is that root word in there? And it's courage. So, think about that. Encouragement is to have courage. Rudolph Dreikurs, He had this idea that we want to have the courage to be imperfect, and this is for parents thinking about parents. “With the courage to be imperfect. You are willing to make an effort. You quit worrying about what happened in the past and you focus on what is happening today. So, to help us as parents, what are some things that we can do to encourage ourselves and also encourage our children? And that's work at being helpful, not better than others. Work, learn that seeing mistakes is part of learning. It's not a mistake that's happened. We're just learning from that. Enjoy yourself and other people. This feels much better than finding fault in people. Make small changes, and I think we've heard this many times. Notice those teeny tiny steps that you do recognize. Those get to know what your own good qualities and strengths are and focus on those value yourself and see parenting as a challenge being that not a problem to overcome”. And if we work on these ourselves as parents, we are going to be helping our children and encouraging them and doing all of those things that we talked about, you know, independence, all those things that Hillary talked about and producing children that we what we want them to be when they become adults.
Jen: Yeah, kids see this and they're going to replicate it because they do what we do. So, if we can do all of these things in front of them and verbalize that we're doing it and they're going to just they're going to then start implementing those things in their lives, too. It's a domino effect. Positivity is a domino effect. All right, my friends, we are just out of time today, even though we probably could talk about this for a lot longer. But we appreciate you coming and listening to our podcast. We hope that you're sharing. If you like us, we hope that you are sharing it with your friends and family. We would love to really. Hilary nice goal is to conquer the world and have every single human being. Listen to our podcast.
Hilary: Right, One day, guys,
Jen: We need encouragement along the way. So tell people to listen. We love having it and we love doing it. But if you would like to reach out to Hillary or myself, you can email us at parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org or you can reach me at Jen Daly - The Family Place on Facebook and whatever you send there, I'm sure I will share with Hilary as well. If you are interested in any of our parenting classes, strengthening the couples classes, mental health, anything like that, we do a lot of them virtually. And so get on our website, the Family Place Utah, and you can find any time that those classes are offered virtually. We hope you have a fabulous week. Get out there and enjoy the Sun. But also, I encourage you to try to use encouragement a little bit more this week. We will catch you back here next week.
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