Understanding Energy

Today we're talking about energy. Not the kind that involves crystals and supernatural activity. This is the energy inside our bodies that allows us to function in our daily activities. As you'll find, Brandy is a wealth of knowledge when it comes to this topic and her way of explaining it really helps us see how understanding energy can change the way we function within our homes and in how we effectively communicate with others.

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Jen: Hello and welcome to the Parent’s Place, a podcast put out by The Family Place for parents to develop skills that will strengthen families and provide tools that will help each of us in our parenting efforts. No matter our skills, we can always use reminders that help us work towards a safer, happier home. I'm your host. Jennifer Daly, the education director at the Family Place and my co-host is Sara Hendricks, a family educator at the Family Place. Every week, we will interview professionals that will provide valuable information that will make a difference when you apply it directly to your life. Thank you for joining us. Now, let's get started with today's episode.

Sara: Hello! Welcome back to the Parents Place podcast. I'm your host, Sara Hendricks, along with my co-host Jennifer Daly. Shout it out, Jen!

Jen: Hello!

Sara: I'm telling you our topic today is something I need right now. I'm legit trying to put it into practice as I speak, which you'll understand more in a minute, but I'm so excited to introduce our guest today, Brandy Mouritsen. To be clear, not Mortensen, not Morrison, Mouritsen. It's an ongoing joke that Brandy always has to clarify her name, but it's exciting to have Brandy with us because as you'll soon see, she is the perfect person to talk about today's topic and she's so fun and an amazing educator. So, Brandy, tell us a little bit about yourself.

Brandy: Well, Sara, I have to thank you for clarifying my last name. I'm glad to see someone else cares that it's being said correctly. So, I am a family educator at the family place. I have been working there for a little over five years and my degree is I have a bachelors in social work. I'm a mom of four girls from the ages of seven to 20, so I have lots of experiences in parenting

Jen: over the years. I've loved watching you and your family and the growth. And just another thinabout a great thing about Brandy is she has a love of volunteering and has taught that to all of her children as well. So, it's fun to watch her and her family and with that we want to talk about energy today with Brandy. And energy sometimes can be a tricky thing to talk about because sometimes peoplethink we're talking talking about crystals. Some people think we're talking about new age kind of stuff, and this isn't what we're talking about. So, what is the type of energy we're talking about today?

Brandy: Jen, I'm so glad you asked that question. I love using the term energy instead of feeling. There have been times that I've been asked, “How are you feeling?” And then I may give a response “Oh, why are you feeling that way?” And I really sometimes have no idea why I am feeling that way. And so, if we imagine a little child and we ask them how they're feeling, they aren't going to know. They'll probably give us the three words that they know happy, sad or mad. And so, when we use this terminology of energy, we say we use the phrase, “Where is your energy?” And that is something I can always answer. And then once I determine where my energy is at, then I can decide, “am I comfortable or uncomfortable with it?” I'd like to start that everybody has energy, children, adults, grandparents, teenagers. We all have energy. Energy is like a sensation in our body. I've also heard it used the term arousal, so the sensation or arousal inside of our body, we label it like on a spectrum from high to low. So anywhere between high and low is where our energy can be. Some people picture a thermometer where their energy, like at the bottom of the thermometer, would be low and the higher you go up the thermometer, the higher your energy gets. I like to picture sound waves, a frequency sound wave. Low energy to me looks like really low waves that are kind of spread apart as we move toward medium that energy, the spikes get a little bit higher and maybe closer together. And then when we hit high energy, those waves are really, really close together and super, super high. Energy has a purpose or function, and it is important it helps us do things that we need to do. If we need to go to sleep, we want our energy to be low. If we need to focus on a task like maybe doing homework or completing that report for work, we need our energy to be medium. Or if we're playing soccer, we need that energy to be high. Lots of things can affect our energy like, have we slept well? What have we eaten lately? Who are we with? Where are we at? And sometimes even the time of the day can affect our energy.

Sara: That's really interesting! I don't think I've ever heard energy explained that way, but I love how you explain it because just like Jen was saying, sometimes when we talk about energy, I think people's minds go to like voodoo and supernatural ideas. But that's not at all what we're talking about here. It's exactly what you said, a sensation or an arousal in our body that serves a purpose. So then does that mean that there's a right or wrong energy?

Brandy: I think there's kind of two parts to this question. The first part is if we're talking about a comfort zone, there is no right or wrong. The comfort zone is where we typically like our energy to be. So, for example, I am a medium, high type person. When my energy is medium high, I feel productive. I feel happy. I feel like things are going really well in my life. That's where I like my energy to be. Now my friend, on the other hand, likes her energy to be low. When she's low, she feels chill, relaxed and things are going well. Does that mean that one of us energy is right and one of us is wrong? Absolutely not! It's just where we feel most comfortable in our energy. So, if we're talking about comfort zone, there is no wrong energy and comfort zone. Now, I would say the second part to that question is not necessarily if the energy is right or wrong, but asking the question, “Am I effective in that energy state?” So, let's go back to the playing soccer. For example, if I have my head down, my shoulders are slumped and I'm just kind of walking around on the field. Am I effective playing in that soccer game? No, right. I need to move my energy to a higher state to be effective and play with my team. Otherwise, I'll be one and kicking me off the off the field. Another example I like to use is if I'm binge watching Netflix, my energy is low, I'm extremely comfortable, but my family's coming over in about 30 minutes for dinner and I haven't done anything to prepare. Am I effective in that comfortable energy state? No, I'm not. I need to do something to prepare for them to come. I like to share the story when I talk about effectiveness with energy. I was working with the couple. They were in the process of adopting a five-year-old little boy from the foster care system, and one night this little guy was bouncing around the room and it was bedtime. So, the staff thought, OK, I'm going to put my skills to work. And he said, this little boy is aware of energy. Anyway, dad walked in and said, “Hey, where's your energy?” And he said, “I am high!” And he said, “Are you comfortable?” And the boy said, “Yep!”. And the dad thought, “Wow, I don't know what to do. He's comfortable in his energy” and I reminded him, “You forgot that third component about energy. And are you effective?” He is not effective in his energy state because he's literally bouncing on his bed and it's time to go to sleep. So, this is where Dad needed to find a way to get his energy, to come down a little bit so that he could go to sleep.

Jen: I think that's really cool. I also had a friend that had a daughter that liked to be high as well. I write about bedtime. I don't know what it is with kids and wanting to be high energy right at bedtime. But she really struggled and trying to figure out what to do with her child when they are in that high energy space and they're comfortable with it. So just giving her some techniques of how to bring that child down really helped her. But there's also lots of times when we're out of our comfort zone when it comes to feeling. So, what do we do then Brandy? when our comfort, we're not in our comfort zone and we're not feeling comfortable.

Brandy: That's a really great question, and the answer is there are lots of things that we can do to change our energy. We like to call this doing a modulation or doing an activity. And this can be done using sensory tools, playing with some Play-Doh, using a glitter jar, coloring, smelling your favorite scent or maybe eating a piece of chocolate and savoring what that tastes like in your mouth. You can use movement with kids playing, “Simon says”, is a great way to alter their energy, dancing. I know as adults probably may not want to play, “Simon says” or go dancing, but maybe we could go for a walk. Breathing is a great way to alter that energy. We can, we have what's called a warrior breath or doing a Darth Vader breathe. One thing I like to do is have the kids pretend like they have a cup of hot cocoa and they're going to breathe and smelling that wonderful hot cocoa. And then as they breathe out, they're going to cool it off as they blow. Music is a great way to alter someone's energy that could simply be just turning on the radio, making music yourself with pots and pans or singing. Being mindful in the moment, sometimes that could be using your five senses. What are five things that I can see? Four things that I can hear? Three things that I can touch? Two things that I can smell? And one thing that I can taste? Sometimes it's just list listing something that you're grateful for in that day. Anything that keeps you in that moment. Using memory, a memory game, right? This would be fun with kids is you have someone dressed a certain way and then you change something about the way they're dressed and the child has to try to guess what's been changed. You can use optical illusions, you can do hidden figure pictures, and using imagery is a way that we can also alter our energy. That can be going to YouTube and using a guided meditation. Or maybe you're just close your eyes and pretend you're on a beach. What does that look like? What does it feel like for you? You can even do identity activities. We do what's called a thought head, and we have the person write down everything that they're thinking about. And then they have to determine how much, how much am I spent thinking about that?

You can do an identity shield that's simply just a shield and that you write down things that identify who you are, what make you who you are. I also like to do what's called in a box, and I have them inside the box, write everything that they say about themselves that are self-talk and on the outside of the box, write down “What do other people say about you?” A lot of times they don't match, especially more so with females. There's a lot of negative self-talk happening, but everything on the outside is positive. So, I encourage them to focus on those things that are written on the outside of the box because that's really, really who you are. Anything can be used to alter your energy. Couple of things I want you to keep in mind, though, is what works for you may not work for someone else, and that's OK. I can tell you music is whether I'm high, uncomfortable or low uncomfortable. Turning on some music that I can sing and dance to will alter my energy to a more comfortable state. Now my coworker, she loves music as well, but her music is more spa type music. The sounds of the ocean, nature sounds right? That does not work for me. I'm kind of a funny story that goes with that. We have just finished a summer camp and it was a rough day for both of us. So, when we walked back to our offices, we sit down. We let out this huge sigh and we just kind of sit there. And I start listening to the music that's going on over the intercom. And it's an ACDC song, and I can feel myself start bobbing my head, I'm starting to sing to it a little bit, and I said, “Man, I'm really feeling better”. And my coworker looked at me with a big, wide eyes and said, “You have got to be kidding me! My energy is going through the roof and it is not in a comfortable way”. So, keep in mind what works for one does not work for the other. Another thing to think about is something may work for you. And then after a couple of times, it doesn't work anymore. And that's OK, too. One time I was doing a recording and we went to do an activity and I could hear my family upstairs, roughhousing, wrestling, and so my attention went to them. I was stressing, like, “Are they making noise? Can they hear that the recording?” And so, we did this mine bell, and it's just the bell dings, and I have to listen to it for as long as I can, and then it dings again. Well, I noticed as I started to focus on that digging, I was focusing on that instead of my family upstairs, and I could feel my energy start to come to a more comfortable state. So, the following week we did that same activity, and it did absolutely nothing for me. So sometimes a modulation or an activity might work depending on the situation that you're in. This is why we actually encourage people to create what we call a toolbox of activities. When you and your or your child need to take a break, you can go and do an activity to get to a more comfortable state. We, if you have a collection of these activities that can be like in a shoe box that you and your family decorate, a bag that you throw things in, or maybe it's a file on the computer desk. But when you know that you need to do an activity, you have a space to go so that you can choose something to do and then hopefully modulate that energy.

Sara: That is amazing. Everything that you said, like, seriously, it sounds like the sky is the limit on how to regulate your energy and bring it to a more comfortable state. I have to say that recording this podcast, my energy was right where I needed it to be. I was feeling really good. But as you're talking just now, I heard my three-year-old wake up. She was napping downstairs and it's just the two of us in the house right now. And my energy totally changed. Like I started feeling nervous and panic, like, “Oh no, this recording isn't going to go well”. And here she is, sitting on my lap doing so wonderful. I like coached her to be as quiet as she can be while we're talking, so hopefully she'll continue to do that and it will be fine. But I loved everything that you shared. You gave so many great examples of ways that you can change your energy, whether it's to bring it up to a place where you need to be able to function at a more comfortable level or to bring it down because you need your energy to be effective in what you're doing. I know for myself, sometimes I have to do things I can't avoid. And they're not necessarily things that I enjoy doing, and they make me uncomfortable. Like, I joke that I have PTSD when it comes to dealing with insurance and calling the insurance company to help me in a situation causes me so much stress and discomfort. My energy is not in a place that I want to be or enjoy being in my heart's racing. I feel so nervous and stress to make that phone call, and finding a way to bring my energy to more comfortable place helps so much for me. A lot of times that is and I shared this in a past podcast, but that is sitting at the piano and just playing through a couple of songs. It just gets my mind to a better place. It makes me feel more comfortable and in a better place in my mind to be able to make that phone call. And, you know, we don't necessarily think about that, that we need to change our energy to do some of those tasks that we may not enjoy doing. But if we're in a more comfortable mental state, it makes that task a lot easier. So, you mentioned earlier, you don' being asked how you're feeling because sometimes you don't know how to explain it. So, it's easier to talk about where your energy level is instead of your feelings. Can you help us understand how feelings are linked to energy?

Brandy: Yeah, I guess that could sound a little bit confusing there, huh? So, we discussed that there are things that can affect our energy. And how we feel is one of those ways as well. If we're excited or angry or scared, our energy might be really, really high. Or if we're lonely or sad, our energy can get really low. What we want to pay attention to is whether the feeling this helping our energy or if it's getting in the way. So, for example, it may feel really good to have a high energy. For example, I'm a competitive person, and so if I lose a game, my energy might get a little high. But that's a good thing because it's going to fuel me to do better. But if that high energy starts to get out of control, then it can get in the way of us getting the needs that we need met, or it might make us do unsafe things. And the same thing can be said for low energy. Low energy can get in the way of us doing our homework or doing some chores. And the thing is, is shutting down our energy when we're feeling like upset or scared can sometimes make us feel safer. But it can also get in the way of us asking for help or doing things that make us feel good.

Jen: I just loved all of those ways that you gave us that we can change our energy. And then also how we can link these to our feelings and how they can really affect one another. I think about my family, and once I learned this concept of energy, I came home and taught it to my family, and it has been a big deal changer within our home. I've just been able when we notice when someone is not in their comfort zone, we can ask them,” Hey, how was your energy? And then what can we do to help you change that energy?” So, I think it's important for my family to understand energy. And we teach a lot about it. But why is it important for everybody to understand their energy?

Brandy

I love that you answered it exactly so that we know where our family members are. Energy is just an easier way to ask someone how they're doing without having to throw in that feeling part of it. It's important to understand where your comfort zone is and then also those around you. Because if we start moving out of that comfort zone, then if everybody understands this concept of energy, they can help us recognize we're moving out of our comfort zone and maybe do help us find a modulation. This is also a concept that my husband and I hintroduced, and it has actually helped tremendously. He knows if I'm moving out of my comfort zone, he knows what to do to help me get back into that place. I love to share the story that I had with a client. She was a stay at home mom and she had a four-year-old daughter, so these two were home all day long together. Mom's energy was super low. That's where she liked to be with low energy and her four-year-old daughter, if you can imagine, whereas a four-year old's energy super high, right? So, these two were clashing. All of the time. Mom was doing lots of yelling and telling her to go to her room or to just sit down and read a book trying to get her to calm down. Well, we had this conversation about energy, and mom realized that her energy was low. That's where she liked to be. But she also understood that her daughter liked high energy and that was OK. It was OK for her to be low and her daughter to be high. So, when she understood this, then we had to come up with a plan. Well, when your daughter's high energy is causing your energy to rise out of uncomfortable, what is something that we can do to help that? And so, she started playing games with her, “Simon says”, was a huge one. She'd start with a really high fast command run and placed as fast as you can, and each command she gave would bring her energy down just a little bit more. So, the daughter was still able to have her high energy where she liked to be. But the mom was able to keep her energy in a more comfortable state than moving completely out watching her daughter be super high.

Jen: Super cool, Brandy! I just wanted to put in there that my husband and I, after we talked about this concept of energy, we decided on letting each other know five different ways that someone could help us when we are uncomfortable. So, when I'm uncomfortable just today, he's like, “I can tell I'm going to need to go get you a caffeinated beverage”. And I said, “Yes”. And when he's uncomfortable, I can put on some U2 music and that will help him settle his energy and come back into a comfortable state. And I truly believe that this has really helped in a lot of disagreements to where we can just, “OK, this is where I'm at, and this is what we need to do to fix that so that we don't go into that arguing state”. And I can see how it's so helpful for parents to go in in a comfortable energy when they're disciplining their kids so that things are being more effective when they are teaching them to do something different, when they have done a behavior that they're not a fan of.

Sara: Well, I might be putting my foot in my mouth right now knowing that this is something that we practice at The Family Place, something that we teach to clients and something that we use as employees. But I personally have not implemented it in my home the way I should. I don't know if I should admit that I hope none of my coworkers are listening right now. But listening to both of you what you have shared, Jen, when you're talking about your husband and how you guys set up, like five things to do for each other when you recognize that your energy needs to change. I love that so much! And my husband and I, we've never officially come up with a list like that. I do feel we do that kind of on our own without labeling it that way. We just sometimes recognize, like, you know, I'm at the store and I'm going to grab a candy bar for him because I feel he needs it or whatever it may be. But I like that you have taken the time to actually come up with those ideas because I'm certain that it is, it has strengthened your marriage. Like you said, it helps diffuse those fights to be able to say This is where my energy is, we need to put a pin in it and come back when we're both at a better functioning level of energy or whatever it may be. I like that a lot. Brandy, you tied it all back to kids, which just made me realize I'm really missing out by not doing this more with my own kids. As an employee at The Family Place, I know how to talk about energy. I know how to talk about my own energy, but I haven't really talked about it with my kids on a regular basis. You know, like they've participated in different activities where we've talked about energy, but we don't do that as a regular practice. And I think that it can really benefit us. I can see the benefits where I have a child that has some really explosive reactions. She gets really upset really easily. To be able to talk about energy and ask her where her energy is, not ask her about her feelings, not try to get her to come up with words, to explain what she's feeling, but connecting it to her energy. Where is your energy at? And how comfortable are you with that energy? And be able to bring her energy to a place where she feels more comfortable rather than she has this explosive reaction and I have a reaction to her that's explosive. That's not conducive in our home to have a happy home and a happy environment. We, if we focus more on energy, I can see how it would make our home a better, happier place. So that being said, how can I teach this to my children and implement it in my home?

Brandy: I love that you asked that question! Everything that I have talked about is how I teach to parents and guess what the exact same way can be taught to our children! I still use the terminology high, medium, low. But with kids, there's something that we can do. We can maybe add a character or an object as we're talking about energy. So, I could say something like, “Let's do a check in. Where's your energy? Are you high like an airplane? Medium, like a car? Or low like a scooter? And then are you comfortable or uncomfortable?” And if they're comfortable, great and effective or if they're uncomfortable, then that's when we can go to our toolkit and we can get something for them to modulate with. One thing I like to add in this is when we have a child do a modulation or an activity. As a caregiver, we want to go with the child to do that. We don't want to just say, Hey, go do that. Children don't know how to regulate their energy. It's something that has to be taught to them. So, we go to the toolkit, we choose something together, we sit down and we do it with them and we talk with them and say, Now, how does your energy feel? Ultimately, our goal is to have the child realize that their energy is uncomfortable and they need to do something to alter it. That's the ultimate goal. But when we first start this, we have to go with them and do it with them a couple of times. And then maybe we can say we can walk with them to the toolkit. We want to choose something and do it by yourself. Eventually, we could get to the point and say, “Hey, do you need to take a break? Do you need to do a modulation?” And then ultimately then deciding by themselves that they can do that when they need to do that? Another thing is something I've found that sometimes kids have a hard time identifying when we first start what their energy is. So, something you can do is have them look at others. “How do you think Johnny's energy is right now?” And let them tell you why they think their energy is that way? Or you can use characters on TV or use books, anything to help them start looking outside what the energy is, and then they can start to internalize that and figure out what theirs is.

Jen: I just love this concept of energy and teaching that to our families. It really helps not put the other person on the defensive. Because if someone were to come up to me or, I know with my 14-year-old stepdaughter, if I were to go up to her and say, “You know what, you look really upset right now, what's going on?” She's going to become really defensive. And so, if I can say, “Hey, where's your energy? What can we do to change that?” It's a softer way of getting the information that you're really wanting. So, you've shared a couple of stories. Are there other success stories that you have Brandy that you would like to share? I just love hearing how this has changed people and their homes.

Brandy: I guess I could share how it's changed in my own family because I had to teach my own family about this concept of energy. And I actually kind of giggled a little bit when you were sharing about your 14-year-old daughter, because that is exactly what my husband would do to me. “You look sad, you look mad, you look upset”. And I wasn't! I was totally fine! But when he said that to me, I instantly got mad. We switched to this energy type talk. And when he says your energy seems a little off right, that is so much better and so much more approachable when he says it that way. And then we also have a list of things that we do to help each other out as well. So definitely helps the communication between my husband and I, but it also helps with my little seven-year-old. She is super, super sensitive, and so if she any time perceives that anyone is mad at her or grumpy or in any way, she shuts down. And so, she was shutting down a lot around me. So, I finally had this talk with energy with her, and I said, “You know, sometimes mommy's energy gets a little uncomfortable and I just need some time to myself. And so, if you come in and I'm trying to take that time to myself, it's going to take me longer”. And so, we've had this talk and now on, I just say to her, “You know what? Mommy's energy is uncomfortable”. She will walk away. She's not offended. She doesn't shut down. And we've also made this deal that I will go and find her, and we can talk about it after. I'm feeling better, but I just know that this concept of energy has made a huge difference in my own home.

Sara: Hey, honestly, you’re kind of blowing my mind right now! Like when I think about my own family and to have conversations that way, there are many times that I, as a parent, just feel overwhelmed. I get overwhelmed when there's too much sound in the house, too many kids screaming and there's music playing. And I just can't escape the sound that I go to my room and just need to be by myself. But the kids follow me in there. So, I love what you were saying about talking about your energy rather than saying, you're driving me crazy. Get out of here. I need my space to say my energy is really high and uncomfortable right now. I just need a few minutes to myself. That just makes so much sense to me. I'm seriously so excited about this topic because it's really making a difference for me. So, I feel like you can add me to your little success story right now because you've made a difference for one of us. And that is the goal of this podcast is to make a difference. And hopefully this will resonate with somebody. So, you did it for me!

Jen: I do have to say, Sara, in your defense, your job at The Family Place doesn't require you to work with this on a regular basis, so don't feel bad. And I'm so excited to hear how it helps you and your family because it truly has changed my family and just changed even the way I work with coworkers and things like that, so it's an awesome concept. I want to thank Brandy so much for coming today and talking with us about energy. She has so much experience with this. She is teaching us on a regular basis and she does a wonderful job with it. If you have more questions about energy or anything else we've talked in previous podcasts, please visit us on TheFamilyPlaceUtah.org and click on the contact button and we can get back to you as soon as we can. Thank you again for listening to our podcast, and we will look for you next week for our next topic!

Sara: Thanks again for listening. The Family Place is a non-profit organization in Logan, Utah, with a mission to strengthen families and protect children. We call ourselves starfish throwers. If you're unsure what that means, refer back to our introduction episode where we explain it. The good news is you can be a starfish thrower too! By subscribing to the Parents Place podcast and liking our social media pages. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with others and help us get our message out to more people. Also, be sure to check the show notes for links to information referenced in this episode. That's all for now, but we'll catch you again next time on the Parents Place.

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