After doing an episode discussing suicide, we felt it was a good idea to carry a conversation about positive communication and how to be a good listener. Communication is an important piece in preventing suicide and strengthening our relationships. Jen and Sara share lots of tips for good communication and what it takes to be a good listener.
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Jen: Hello and welcome to the Parents Place, a podcast put out by The Family Place for parents to develop skills that will strengthen families and provide tools that will help each of us in our parenting efforts. No matter our skills, we can always use reminders that help us work towards a safer, happier home. I'm your host, Jennifer Daly, the education director at the Family Place and my co-host is Sara Hendricks, a family educator at the Family Place. Every week, we will interview professionals that will provide valuable information that will make a difference when you apply it directly to your life. Thank you for joining us. Now, let's get started with today's episode. Hi and welcome to the Parents Place podcast. I'm your host, Jen Daly,
Sara: and I'm your co-host Sara Hendricks.
Jen: Today, we're going to talk about communication, and we thought it was a good follow up for our conversation that we had last week about suicide. And from that conversation, we talked a lot about the importance of communication and talking with our kids. So today we're going to give you about 20 positive ways to communicate with your child. And 10 tips of how to be a good listener. So, Sarah, I’ll let you start it off.
Sara: OK, so our first positive way to communicate is to let your child know that you are interested and that you will help when needed.
Jen: I think lots of times kids get the idea that their parent really isn't interested in what they're talking about because we're busy doing other things. We're cooking dinner, we're folding laundry, we're running kids from one appointment to another. So really making sure that they know that you're interested in what they're talking about and especially when there is a situation where they need your help that we stop what we're doing and we go and we help. And I think this goes great right into number two is turning off all devices, putting them down when your child comes to talk to you. I mean, that means turning off the television and turning off our phones, our iPads, whatever we may be on, so that we have our full attention on them. I like to think about how I would treat a friend. Would I continue to look at my phone? Would I take a phone call? Would I, you know, be watching TV as my friend was talking to me about something important? Absolutely not. So we need to be courteous, as courteous to our kids as we are to our friends. Just take those few minutes and turn things off and really allow them to talk to you. Because if we don't do that, they're going to learn Mom and dad's not interested. They don't want to hear what I have to say. I'm not going to talk to them then.
Sara: Right? What message are we sending by paying more attention to our phone than our child? It's telling them that they're less important than the thing that we're paying attention to. And so it's really a big deal that we're taking the time to set that aside and just listen.
Jen: And it's also setting a good example for when the situation is flipped and you really need to talk to your child teaching them. OK, when I come to talk to you, we turn off devices, we turn off the television. This is important.
Sara: Something that I always say is I need you to listen with your eyes. And that's what our children need from us as well, that we listen with our eyes
Jen: and they need coaching. They don't, especially for little ones. They don't know they're just being little. It’s TV. It's exciting. Parents aren't so exciting sometimes.
Sara: So our next tip is when you're talking with your children. You want to get down on their level and not tower over them because physical size can be intimidating to a child and how we're communicating to them can also be intimidating if we're yelling or upset with them. And so when we're towering over them, that can be really fearful for the child. And so we want to get down on their level when we're communicating both in regular conversations and in those moments when we're teaching.
Jen: I always imagine a basketball player. I remember my parents had taken us to a Suns game when we were young and we saw when walking out because my parents always have to be the last ones out of any arena because they don't want to deal with traffic. So we always had to wait. But seeing this six and a half foot person towering over you, I just think if that's six and a half foot person came and was angry at me that would be pretty darn scary. So we to our kids are like that six and a half foot basketball player. And we need to be cognizant of that so that we're not setting up defense walls just by our mere size. So get down on their level. Yeah, all right. The next one is to listen carefully and politely. Don't interrupt the child when he is trying to tell his story. Now this is a hard one for me because I am just like, come on, hurry up, let's get this done. But again, what lesson are we teaching in that moment that what they're saying or the story that they're telling is not important? So take a deep breath, settle in and listen to what your kids have to say, even if it's a long story.
Sara: You might even know a child who gets really upset if you like, finish the story for them because you know what's coming and they're just taking too long to get it out. So you're trying to hurry it along and they get really upset. And I think of it as for us as adults, it's kind of like if somebody tells the punchline to the joke that you're telling. That's kind of upsetting. You wanted to be the one to deliver the thing that was funny. And even though maybe your kids aren't telling a funny joke, they're still telling a story that they want to be the one to share all of the information. And so we don't want to interrupt them, let them finish even if it's hard. OK, so number six is when your kids make mistakes, don't ask them why they did it. Kids don't understand why or know how to explain the why behind it. And so instead you can ask them, what are you doing or what happened instead of asking them why they did something.
Jen: And remember, that's on a developmental level. So the older your child gets, of course, they're going to understand more the why of why they're doing something but for your young ones, and I always like to keep it 10 and under. That's why I need to have the most understanding because kids development, brain development is just not there yet. And so even at 10, it's tricky. But they're starting to learn that why, you know, you ask a child, a young child, why did you color on the wall? Well, because there was a crayon and there was an empty area I could color on. I mean, they just don't have that capacity to think through all those things and all the consequences.
Sara: So and it could be damaging because if you think about that coloring on the wall example, they're really proud of what they did. Maybe they just didn't understand that where they did, it wasn't OK. And so when you come at them, why would you do this? It can be damaging in the sense of they felt that pride of what they did, and now it was wrong that they did it.
Jen: Now that doesn't mean we excuse that behavior and we're like, Oh, well, they're really proud of it. So we're just going to leave it here. That is a time that we can take aside and really do some teaching. And so I don't ever want people to think because that was one thing that someone brought up to me like, Oh, you're just excusing everything. No, no, no, no. That is not what we want to do. We want to have positive communication and not put our children on the defensive, but also making sure that we're taking advantage of those teaching moments to where we can teach them what, where they can color. I mean, I have heard of some people putting in frames around them, but I don't think that's for everyone.
Sara: I think that's a really valid point to make that it's not excusing the behavior. We're just trying to be careful of how we approach the situation so that we're not causing damage.
Jen: The next one is to hold conversations and privacy, and this is one that I feel pretty strongly about because who likes to be disciplined in front of everyone else or to have one of those hard conversations in front of other people? So our best communication is going to happen with our kids when it's one on one and when others aren't around. We don't want to ever try to embarrass or shame or anything like that. Our kids, when they've made mistakes, we wouldn't like it as adults, so we shouldn't do it to our children.
Sara: And with that, we also need to be aware of what we're saying about our kids to other people, because if they make mistakes, we don't want to go and talk about that with other people and they overhear that and feel that embarrassment all over again or feel like they can't trust us because they know that whatever mistakes they make, everybody else is going to find out about it. We really want to respect that. They are learning and growing and leave space for them to make those mistakes and know that it's still a safe place for them to learn from their mistakes and continue to grow without it being shared with everybody.
Jen: A great way if they are with friends, a great way to let your child know that you need to talk with them is just come up with a code word like shopping or silly or something like that to where they know, Oh, I need to stop what I'm doing. Maybe being redirected. Or that means I need to have a conversation with mom or dad later.
Sara: OK, so our next one is if you are very tired, you will have to make an extra effort to be a good listener. So I think this is a good opportunity if you feel like you can't focus on what your kids are saying to tell them that instead of making them think that you're listening, say, Hey, right now just isn't a good time. I'm really struggling to concentrate something that is telling them, you still love them and you want to listen to what they're saying. It's important to you. But in this moment, it's just not working.
Jen: You can also try a modulation activity to where you're like, OK, I'm tired, so we need to go on a walk while we have this talk. My thing is is I always lay down and then nothing good comes of that. I'm asleep, like nothing else and that poor kid is sitting there talking and I'm asleep. So I always say, never lay down. When your child has something that they need to talk to you about, the next one is if you are very angry about a behavior or an incident, don't attempt to communicate until you regain your cool. We've talked about this in the past of how our brains shut off in that logical thinking that problem solving mode that part of our brain totally shuts off when we're angry. So let's take a step back during that. Let's not communicate during that time. We shouldn't try to communicate with our kids when they're angry and then come back to it when we have settled down a little bit.
Sara: The next one is keep adult talking to a minimum. And so what this means is when you're having conversations with your kids, we don't want to always be preaching and moralizing. Let's just have those conversations where we can be on their level in their understanding and not always have to bring in those moments where we're preaching at them.
Jen: When I worked with kids in the school district, I always had good speeches to give to kids when they were being naughty in their classroom, and you could see their eyes glaze over, like when I was like maybe four or five words into my speech. And so I always like to say, if you're doing more talking than your child is doing, then you got a problem. Kids tune out if you're just sitting there talking to them and then you become Charlie Brown's parents, where you just wah wah in the background. So make sure that you are doing most of the listening and a little bit of communication. Let your child say what they need to say.
Sara: And with young children, they're not able to hold on to a bunch of words. They're only picking up so many words at a time. And so if you're going on and on with commands or lecturing, they're not even processing all of that because their brains aren't developed enough to understand all of it.
Jen: Yeah. We also want to make sure that when we are communicating with our children that we're not using, put down words or statements like dumb, stupid or lazy. These are going to put our child on the defensive right away, and it's going to put their brains in that fight or flight scenario. So we never want to put downs. We don't want to make generalizations either of you always do this. Kids really internalize these things. And that's where it can become a problem because they think no one loves me. No one wants me. They don't care with what I have to say. So let's make sure that we're not using those put down words.
Sara: The next one is assist the child in planning some specific steps to a solution. So if they've made a mistake or there's conflict or a problem as the parent to help with communication, you can help them figure out a way to resolve the problem and do some processing with them of different scenarios so that maybe it's a conflict between siblings or conflict with a neighborhood friend and going through some different scenarios of OK, you could maybe try this. What do you think of that? How do you think that your friend or sibling would respond if that's how you approached the situation and just helping them problem solve?
Jen: Yeah, we're wanting to guide them. We don't want to solve it for them. We want to also make sure that we're showing our child that we accept them for who they are, regardless of what they have done. And so even if it's the biggest mistake, if you have a teenager that comes to you and says I've tried drugs or I'm pregnant or whatever that hard conversation may be, they still need to know even though that's a big thing, we need to let them know that we love and accept them no matter what.
Sara: Right? And those big things. Thank goodness they came and told us, right? We don't want to jump down their throats and then that closes that communication and they don't ever want to come and talk to us again because of how we reacted in that situation. And so really trying to be calm in those situations take a step back. And first and foremost, I will always love you. I don't love the choice you made, but I love you. Our next one is reinforce your child for keeping communication open. So kind of like what I was just saying of they came to you with a hard thing. Thank them for that. Thank you for coming to me and sharing this with me. I know that was probably hard for you. That's something that I try to do with my kids when they tell me hard things because I know that they're worried what consequences are going to come from that? But honesty is always the best policy, and it makes the consequences less. If you're up front instead of lying or hiding it,
Jen: Don't bring up the past. None of us like to have our mistakes thrown back in our face, so we shouldn't be doing that with our children as well. Leave it in the past, it's done. It's over. Hopefully, we had a teaching moment there and it can just stay there.
Sara: This is one that I really struggle with, that things from my past get thrown in my face because my parents think it was a funny thing at the time, and so they'll bring it up. And still, I feel that humiliation from my childhood. And now I'm an adult still reliving those moments of shame and embarrassment when those things get brought up. And I know that it's done in good fun their, meaning it lovingly, I guess. But for me, it's still hard to relive some of those moments that I feel embarrassed about. When we're communicating with our kids, we want to make sure that we're not generalizing the discussion, but sticking to the topic at hand in order to problem solve. We need to really stick with the topic at hand and not bringing in other topics and generalizing.
Jen: We, as adults, also need to make sure that we're expressing our own feelings openly and honestly. I mean, not just while we're talking to our kids, but just any in general when we're in front of our kids making sure that we're expressing our own feelings. That's one way they're going to learn how to express their feelings. One way of doing this is using I messages. So you use, I feel, when so I feel frustrated when you color on the walls because it damages the paint. So use those I messages,
Sara: And it's a way to rephrase those accusations. You did this and now I'm mad, you know, like pointing fingers, this is your fault. Instead, you're rephrasing it so that it's I feel this way because of this situation. And this is why, because it damages the walls. And so it just takes away putting up our defenses if we're the one being accused. Our next one, we've kind of mentioned in other podcasts of needing to admit our own mistakes. Everybody makes mistakes. Adults make mistakes, kids make mistakes. And we want our children to know that we as adults, we're not always perfect. And sometimes we make mistakes too. And openly admitting that with our kids and apologizing to them if we've done something wrong just helps with that line of communication that they know that it's not just them that has hard times that mom and dad do too sometimes.
Jen: One of my favorite memories is going into my sister's classroom. She's a teach a second grade teacher and teaching our abuse prevention program. And I asked the kids, Do adults make mistakes? And they're like, Yeah, and I'm like, does your teacher make mistakes? Because I knew it was my sister, so I was going to say something, but they're like, Oh yeah, she did this this morning. She did this this morning. So we do make mistakes and our kids do see them. And so admitting them and letting them know it's OK to admit that we've made a mistake.
Sara: And when our children make mistakes, we don't want to make them feel guilty for the mistakes that they've made, especially if it was something that was done on accident and they have no control over it.
Jen: Alright. I think this is just another reminder of when we are communicating with our kids, always making sure that we're letting them know that we love them, that we want to listen to them and that they are special just the way that they are.
Sara: And finally, we want to establish communication channels early in our children's lives. And that way, when those harder years come that our kids are already in that habit of communicating with us. Jen had mentioned in a past podcast about doing a journal back and forth between you and your child, or you can ask questions or carry conversations. And that's something that I started doing with my kids since that episode, and I have really enjoyed it, and I've gotten to know my kids in different ways because of things that we talk about in that notebook versus what we talk about out loud. So it's been really fun, fun and different way for us to be able to communicate together.
Jen: OK, so here it's time for your 10 tips for good listening. Number one, stop talking. You can't listen if you're talking. Number two, put the talker at ease. So help them feel comfortable to talk with you. Number three. Show him that you want to listen. So going back, be interested. Turn off your things. And that goes right into number four. Remove those distractions. Don't doodle or tap or shuffle papers or look on your phone or watch a program. Number five is to empathize, you know, letting validating their feelings and let them know that you're there to help them. Number six, be patient. Sometimes it takes a lot of time for someone to get out, something that's really hard. So be patient with them. Number seven Hold your temper and angry man gets the wrong meaning from words. Number eight, go easy on argument and criticism. We don't want to try to communicate when we're in an angry state or when we're using criticism. That's when we need to take a step back. Number nine, ask questions so that encourages them to share more. If we're asking questions and then the last and most important one is I repeat, stop talking. I love this quote. Nature gave man two ears, but only one tongue. So maybe that's a gentle hint from Mother Nature that we need to be listening a lot more than we're talking.
Sara: That's awesome. Well, those are the tips that we have for you for better communication with your kids and for being a better listener. And we felt this episode was important just to follow up with last week's episode on suicide because we know that if we have these open lines of communication with our children, that it is a preventative factor when it comes to mental health and suicide. So we hope that you're able to apply some of these if you're not doing them or to sharpen up some of the ones that you are to make it better. Thank you so much for joining us. If you have any questions, you can email us at parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org and you can find us on Facebook. Sara Hendricks - The Family Place
Jen: Jen Daly - The Family Place
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