Juggling schedules for the whole family can be challenging and overwhelming. Tifanie Findlay has a family of 9 and shares all her tips and tricks to help manage the madness of schedules in her home!
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Jen: Hello and welcome to the Parents’ Place, a podcast put out by the Family Place for parents to develop skills that will strengthen families and provide tools that will help each of us in our parenting efforts. No matter our skills, we can always use reminders that help us work towards a safer, happier home. I'm your host, Jennifer Daly, the education director at the Family Place and my co-host is Sarah Hendricks, a family educator at the Family Place. Every week, we will interview professionals that will provide valuable information that will make a difference when you apply it directly to your life. Thank you for joining us. Now, let's get started with today's episode.
Sara: Welcome back to the Parents’ Place podcast, I'm your host, Sara Hendricks.
Jen: I'm your co-host, Jen Daly.
Sara: Since we're in the month of March, we thought it would be fun to do an episode about March Madness, but not the March Madness we typically think about. It's not going to be about basketball. Instead, we're going to talk about the madness of schedules within our families and trying to organize and balance and follow through with all of the things that we have going on in our lives. So today we have with us Tifanie Findlay . You might remember her from a past episode where she talked about budgeting. We thought that she would be awesome for this episode because she does have seven children, and that's a lot of schedules to manage, plus her and her husband. So welcome, Tifanie. We're excited to have you!
Tifanie: Thanks, I'm excited to be back!
Jen: So, Tiffany, since you have all of these kids and all of these schedules, what kind of resources are there to help organize all of this madness that you encounter?
Tifanie: Yeah, that's a great question, Jen. Like Sarah said, I do have seven kids and springtime for us is probably the craziest season of all because sports are starting up again. And both me and my husband, coach sports and our kids are pretty active. And so it gets a little bit challenging trying to figure out who can take kids where and pick them up and us being where we need to be. So I'm a little bit old school when it comes to how we manage our schedules. I am very much an appointment book planner, pen and paper type of person. So in our home, I have like a big whiteboard that hangs in the main room of our house that just has the month on it. And I write all the kids’ activities on there so the kids can see and they know what they have that day, as well as both me and my husband. We tried the whole sharing Google Calendar thing, and it's just not me. I don't know. I have a hard time with phones because they're so little and you have to zoom in and you can't see, like the whole month on one page at one time, you have to go in and click. And so I've resorted to like the appointment style book where it has every 15 minutes of the day on a slot so I can fill those in because sometimes you know, I have two kids that need to be somewhere at six and someone that needs to be picked up at 6:30. So it's just easier for me to open that page and see everything for that day, minute by minute, if need be. But I do know families where they share that Google Calendar, they might have teenagers and whatnot. So they just have a Google family calendar where anyone can pull it up from their phones and see if they're wondering where mom is or dad is or what time they need to be at their practice or whatever they have those there. So those are the things we use that help us.
Jen: I can't imagine having seven children schedules on one little phone square, so that would drive me absolutely insane.
Tifanie: I always have the fear too that, like what if my battery dies and I don't have my charger or sometimes apps don't work? And so if you only have that, it really scares me. So I just carry around my little book with me wherever I go.
Sara: That is a good point about your phone dying because that's happened to me, and that's stressful. But I only have three kids, so my phone works for me, and I don't have them in lots of things because I get overwhelmed and just can't process all of that. But I do refer to my phone as my brain because if I don't have it, I have no idea what's happening in my day without it. I used to do like the appointment book like you're talking about until phones got smart.
Jen: I've tried the phone thing and I can't do it. Just I forget to put it in the phone. I forget to... I just forget. I’ve got to have it on paper.
Sara: Yeah, I like that it gives me a reminder, but I have never considered the Google... what was it?
Tifanie: Google Calendar?
Sara: Yeah, I've never considered that before because my kids are little and they don't have phones. So but that is a good tip for people who are in a stage that can use that.
Jen: Google Calendar is also really good for coordinating with if you're co-parenting. So schedules and things like that so that if you are co-parenting, each household has access to what's happening.
Tifanie: I actually have another thing that I don't use personally, but teams that my kids are on, they have resorted to using different apps to put in like game schedules and the location of where these things are. So there's one called Team Snap, and it does send reminders to your phone. You have a game today at this time. Here's the location and it even sends, like a Google Map that you can just click on. So those are super helpful for parents. So anyone that coaches or, you know, has team you might want to encourage your teams to use. As we also use the communication app GroupMe along with all of our sports teams, just instead of a text message group text coming through all the time. We just have a GroupMe where we can check up dates and things like that, so those are super helpful for me as a parent to not have to pull, find the paper of the game, it's just right there, I can click on it and the map will take me right to where I need to be.
Sara: Yeah, that's good to know. I had no idea that those existed. So maybe that's helpful for other parents. So how do you know when you've reached a point that you need to drop things from your schedule or say no more? We cannot take on even one more thing.
Tifanie: That's such a hard question for me because I'm one of those people that if I have one free hour in my day, I will fill it with something just because I'm a goer. I like to be out and do those things. But what we found in our family, especially as our kids were right in the middle of that crazy time for our youngest kid is seven and our oldest is 13, so they're involved in a lot of things. And we found that if something is causing more stress than joy, it's not worth it. And that could be whether a kid is on the fence about a sport or not to go. I need to take dinner to someone tonight. So it just is this too stressful? Is it causing me stress in my thinking about it all day long? I can't get it off my mind? Or is the kid complaining about it all the time? It's not worth it. Those are the things that you have to look at and think, OK, I just can't do that this time or we can't play that sport anymore. So I think it just comes down to that. Is it causing more stress and joy?
Jen: This is a side note, as you said, that kids are complaining about things like that. Do you allow your kids just to quit in the middle of something? Or do they need to finish out the season and then not do that activity anymore?
Tifanie: So that's actually a really good question because we had this happen to us this year. I think it depends what you're doing if it's like a rec sport, I would say they could quit the second they hate it because it's just for fun. They usually have enough people on the team that it's not going to affect that. But we do have some kids that play competitive sports or a competitive dance, and they can't just really leave their team hanging. It's not really fair to everyone. And so, for instance, I had two daughters they dance, and part of dance nowadays comes with tumbling, and they have to be able to do aerials and all these tricks. And so we were doing tumbling and I noticed my girls weren't progressing in the tumbling. They were kind of just stagnant and they didn't really try. They didn't really care if they were landing these aerials or backhand springs. And I noticed that every day that it was time for tumbling. There was “can I just miss today, I promise I'll practice at home” or whatever. So I realized, without them saying, I don't want to do tumbling anymore, that they weren’t enjoying it just by their actions and their lack of progression that they weren't trying anymore. And so for their specific thing, I just said, OK, it's November. You have to finish till Christmas, and then we'll tell your teacher, you know, during the Christmas break that you're going to end and they can send those few weeks to find a replacement for you because you also have to think some of these people, that's their job and that's their business, and that's how they make money. And so you're kind of leaving them stranded as well. So I think it depends on the situation there.
Sara: That's a good point. But every family is different, and some families feel like that is a value in their home that when you commit to something you see it through, you don't get to just quit. So it's just different one family to the next. Obviously, everybody gets to decide what's right for them. But I do like what you're saying, that to look at it differently, like rec sports is for fun and you're not necessarily leaving your team out to dry. But when you're playing competitive like you made the team, somebody else didn't make the team because you took that spot. So if you quit, it's not really fair to the people that didn't make the team. And it's not fair to your team to leave them high and dry.
Jen: So when your schedule does become too much, how can you ask for help?
Tifanie: The magic question that we all don't like to do. It is a hard one. It's hard to ask for help, especially for me. In my situation, I adopted most of my kids from foster care, and so I always felt like anything I do was like my choice and I chose this. And so I sometimes feel like I have to do it, and I can't complain because I did this to myself, right? And so sometimes asking for help is the hardest thing. But I've learned that every family that has children or any family, really, but especially with children, we all rely on each other to help, to raise them, to look out for them. And so most people want to help. They want to help you. And so with my kids, I just try and do like as many carpool type things that we can do where I'll just say, Hey, I have this day free. I will take them too this day if someone can bring them home. Or there's been times when I've had to tell coaches like, Hey, I have three kids that have to be somewhere at seven o'clock. So this particular kid, I'm dropping off at practice 30 minutes early. I know they're just going to be sitting there, or I might be 30 minutes late picking him up. They already know they can just sit here and wait. You don't need to worry and call me. So just being in communication and letting those people know your needs, and then sometimes I've had coaches going to say that, oh, well, I can just take them home. I drive right past your house. It's not a big deal. But would they have done that if I hadn't told them I had this need? No. So we have to ask and we have to let people know what our needs are because you never know who is capable and ready and willing to help you.
Sara: I'm a big believer that it takes a village, that is something that I say often. Like how you said you brought it all on yourself. You chose to adopt these children. Well, it's the same for me. I chose to have these three kids and I get overwhelmed with them too. So it goes for all of us that we chose these things in our lives. But that doesn't mean that we don't get to ask for help just because we made these choices.
Tifanie: So just the other day, my neighborhood, we have like a neighborhood Facebook page, and I noticed just the other day there was a mom that said, Hey, my daughter needs to be at this high school on Wednesday and Thursday at 3:30. Both me and my husband are at work. Is there anyone that's going that way or would be willing to take her and like five people said, Oh yeah, my daughter is already going there. Or, Yeah, I could do that for you. And so once again, if we're not communicating and saying what we need, people don't know. But there's so many people right there ready and willing to help.
Sara: Yeah, I totally agree. And that's so great to utilize social media pages like that, because chances are there are multiple people in your neighborhood that are heading to the same thing that you can carpool and not take it all on and feel so stressed out, trying to figure all of that out.
Jen: It just made me have a thought like you have a neighborhood Facebook page. Where if parents just had a Facebook page and their kids’ friend’s parents to where it's like their group of friends, the adults Facebook page so that they can keep in contact with each other? I mean, I know there were times when I was a kid that I said I would be somewhere and I wasn't there. That was way back when Facebook wasn't around, but I just feel like that would be a great idea to be able to say, Hey, because your kids normally hang out with kids that are doing the same things. And so if you do have a Facebook page, even if it's not your neighborhood, if it's just a group of friends that your kids have, because then you can, that's all that those questions and help each other and support each other.
Sara: I think that's an awesome idea because my kids don't go to the neighborhood school and the school that they go to none of the kids are part of a neighborhood. They're coming from all over the valley. And so to have a parents’ page in relation to the school will be so awesome because it's hard for my kids to get to play with their friends outside of school because I don't know the parents. And so I struggle with that, you know? So it's a way to get to know the parents a little better, to feel more comfortable for playdates. I think that's a really good idea. So these are really great ideas as far as needing extra help and knowing when it's too much and when to ask for help. So what should we do when all of that madness in our schedules are needed? We can't cut anything out, but we don't have any time for ourselves or to do self-care.
Tifanie: Yeah. So until I started working at the Family Place, I didn't really realize how important self-care was. It's a hot topic. We're always talking about it at work. And so I've been a lot more intentional about scheduling time for myself. If you haven't got the gist of my family we’re a pretty sporty athletic family, and we like to do all things related to sports and outdoors. So me, I grew up playing soccer and basketball, and soccer is still one of my loves and something that I still do on a regular basis. And so I join women's leagues. Sometimes I get to play in the morning with friends. And so when I know those things are going on, I make sure that I don't schedule anything in those times. But like you said, there are times when you can't cut anything out of your schedule and you still have to find time for yourself. So some things I do, I spend most of my evenings in the car driving my kids around, so I have certain music downloaded to my phone that's just for me that I want to listen to that my kids know, no, mom’s turn for music. We don't get to choose the radio station right now, so I have music or I'll take books with me. And if I'm sitting, even if it's for 5 or 10 minutes waiting for someone to come out of their practice, I'll just read a chapter or so in my book. Another thing I'm a big social person. I love to talk to people, so sometimes I'll just jump out of the carpool line and talk to the other moms that are just sitting in their car, waiting for their kids instead of just sitting, you know, alone in silence, or as it's getting warmer and more moving outside. Instead of just sitting in my car waiting for my kid, I'll sit outside in the sun or sit on the grass or do something different. That's just get your mind, you know, outside of the normal and do something different. Enjoy the nice warm sun or walk around the park for a minute while you're waiting for them. Some other things we've done is, for me, I know it's weird, but like grocery shopping is self-care to me. I love being in the store. I love seeing new products, I love running into neighbors and to me, that's a form of self-care, so my kids don't come grocery shopping with me because it ruins that. If I bring the kids with me, even though they're older now and they don't beg and ask for things. They're like, Oh, let me grab that or let me push the cart. And that just gives me anxiety and stress so my kids just don't go grocery shopping with me. It's funny. My kids get so excited when I do let them come to the store or whatever you say. What do you want to do today? Can we go to the store? Yeah, you can consider the drive to that because that's a self-care for me. Shopping alone is self-care for me. I enjoy that.
Sara: That is a really good point because I'm over here like silently gagging. But you're saying you love going grocery shopping because I hate it. Like, if I chose one chore that I despise doing it is grocery shopping. I would rather clean toilets and mop floors before I go grocery shopping. But a big part of that is taking my kids like to do it alone isn't as bad. I still don't enjoy it. It's too much work to me. But I mean, you have to like, pick things up off the shelf and put it in your cart, and then you have to go. It goes on a conveyor belt and then put them all in your car and then take them to your house. Like, I just hate it.
Jen: I just hear ta-ching, ta-ching, ta-ching, like, you really aren't paying that much for that thing. And so I guess like money, just I'm just dumping money in a basket. That's why I like Walmart.com.
Sara: Yes. Online, that has changed my life because I see the total bill and be like, Well, we can take that out. We can take that out.
Tifanie: I had to laugh because I was still, I know it's been in the pandemic for a year, and most people have really took to shopping online or even having their groceries delivered. And I still have not one time used grocery pickup because I just really love going out into the store.
Jen: So we all want different things.
Tifanie: I’m a little bit old school and that brings, guys, another thing we do with our family is we'll try and schedule vacations around the kids sports. So for instance, we just got back from a St. George soccer trip where we had a soccer tournament. So we made our whole family go to that and we were able to do fun things as a family around those sports. So I think if you can look at your schedules that way too, and even if it's bringing the two younger kids to watch your older daughter's game, so you're spending a little bit more time with them instead of just one more hour that you're away from them or out of the house? And those are some things I try to do with my busy schedule is how can I make this a family event or how can I bring a couple of kids to make them feel special or that they have my attention? And it's not just oh mom's going to her game again.
Sara: I like that, being intentional while being busy and including your kids and having that one-on-one time with a different child, even though it's a sporting event for the other. I think that's a good idea.
Jen: But I also like your idea, Sarah that I don't put my kids in lots of things because you can't handle that. So I think it's super important to know your limits as a parent so that, you know, our kids may hate going to an activity. Well, we don't want our kids to know that we're hating taking them to all of these things. So knowing your limits, and if this isn't something that is for you, then schedule things that are going to be a bonding experience, a good experience for both of you. And if you need to limit that, then limit that. There's nothing wrong with that. So let me ask you another question, Tiffany. So as your kids get older, can your schedule change or does it stay the same? Or what do you do with all of that?
Tifanie: That's a good question. It always changes. Just like in life, everything's always changing. Your schedule is always going to change what you think is important. It's going to change. I actually now in the evenings, I have a 13 year old who suddenly they get to middle school and think they have to play with friends every day on the weekend until 10, 11, 12 already. And so I find myself now, I don't even get to relax on Friday nights or Saturday nights because I'm running and picking her up at 10 p.m. or whatever. And so that's been something new and challenging for me this year is that schedule of, oh, one more thing I have to go drive and do after hours, when I'm usually used to relaxing. So I was thinking about like when I was a young mom, I had two kids, kindergarten and younger when we started our foster care journey. And then suddenly I went from those two kids to seven, all under the age of eight. And so only a couple were in school. So I was home all the time with these kids. And in that stage of life, I didn't have time for anything else. I couldn't get a job. I couldn't help in the kids' school. It was really hard for me to think about making dinner for a neighbor or going outside and helping a neighbor because I was completely engulfed in being a mom to all these kids. And it was exhausting and I had like nothing left. And so I look back on that time and think I did everything I physically could do. In that time and now my kids are in school all day, and it has opened up my schedule completely. I now can work all day long. I can go to lunch with my friends. I can help and volunteer in my kid's classroom. And I really enjoyed this stage of life where those kids are in school all day, and I'm sure it's going to change, you know, as they enter those teenage years. But I had someone about a year ago. We lived in a different neighborhood, and when we would go to church, my kids were really well-behaved because we have trained them to be that way. It has taken four or five years to get my kids to sit quietly through a church meeting. And one time we had this young couple come up to us and they had two: a little baby and a toddler who, you know, like most kids that age were wild and crazy at church and didn't want to sit there. They had to get up and down to take them to the bathroom or because they were crying. And they would just come up to us a couple of weeks in a row and say, Oh my gosh, you guys are amazing. I don't know how you do this. What are we doing wrong as parents? And we just laughed because we remembered that stage, and it took us four years to get to where we were. And so just like life throws those different things in stages at you, your schedules are going to change right along with it. And so always remember and be mindful. I have people say to me, I don't know how you have time to do everything you do and volunteer and do all those things. And I said, Well, it's actually really easy right now. Like I said, my kids are in school all day. I have six hours a day where I can choose my schedule and what I want to do. So yeah, I'm in the classroom helping, but I don't have a baby at home that have to rearrange their nap schedule for or things like that. So just remember and be mindful of people stages in life and be patient with people when they say, No, I can't do this. This is too hard for me because I remember what it was like to be that stay at home mom, that anything anyone asks of you is just so hard and overwhelming.
Jen: I think of something that someone had said years ago, and it's just to even though there are some hard stages in life. To enjoy those while you can, because even though they are hard, there's a lot of good that is happening in those stages. And yes, our brains are automatically going to the negatives are going to say this is just hard and it stinks and I don't want to do this anymore. But there's lots of great things that come along with those different stages. And so just enjoy them, if you can. On the days when you can. And of course, you're going to have bad days and there's going to be hard things. But I do like the idea of making sure that our schedules and everything else is changing as the kids are developing more and they can do more for themselves as well.
Tifanie: Yeah, that made me think about something actually in home. So I've kind of looked at our phases of what's important to us as a family like in home, what family things are important that we keep in our schedule. And for us, it's Sundays. Sundays is the day where nothing is scheduled. We don't have playdates with friends. We don't do shopping. We don't do any of those things because that's the one day we can guarantee all of us are home and we can build those stronger relationships as a family. I mean, right now, I can't even think of a day of the week where we're all home eating dinner at the same time, I cooked dinner and we eat dinner at the same time every night. But there's always one or two of us gone at practice or staying at work late or whatever that may be. And so those kind of things also change as your family changes. And I know there'll be a day when I know anyone in the house and it will just be me and my husband right. And then schedules will change then again. But like you were talking about earlier of enjoying those moments and those times, those are things that I was thinking about. As you were saying, that is yes. Make sure you’re scheduling time for your families and what's important for your families and all of those things as well.
Sara: Well, and I think it's important to also think about how right now your life probably feels really crazy, like especially before your kids were in school all day, you probably just felt like your life was really crazy and you could constantly be thinking about it'll get easier when they're in school all day. It'll get easier when these kids move out, and I only have these few left, but instead just finding joy along the way and embracing the stage of life that you're in. Instead of constantly wishing for when things get easier. Because eventually it'll just be you and your husband and you're going to miss the crazy. I'm sure of it because you said that you're so busy and that you fill every moment of your day.
Jen: It reminds me of a training that we did with Dr. Dave Schramm and how he had, I can't remember it was a research study or what he had done, but it was quotes from empty nesters and never was there one thing saying, I wish I had spent less time with my kids. I wish I took them to less sports. I wish I did. You know, then do this. It was always, I wish I spent more time with my kids. I wish we had more activities and things like that, or I loved the time that we spent with them. And so I think remember, this is a time and with kids, it's going to be busy. You have good days and bad days and good schedule days and bad schedule days. But it's all in that glorious time of just when those kids are that age and you're building those bonds, there's nothing more important. Definitely. Well, we want to thank you, Tiffany, for coming today and being on our podcast. We enjoy every time that you come and you're with us and we want to thank you for listening. We would like to encourage all of you to take a look at your schedule, see if they're working for you. See if everyone in the family is happy with them. If there's something that needs to be removed, remove it. But yeah, that's your challenge for this week is just look at your schedules and how are they working for you? If you would like to reach out and ask us questions or tell us how you like the podcast, that would be great. You can reach us at parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org, or you can find Sarah and I both on Facebook. Sara Hendricks - the Family Place or Jen Daly - the Family Place. We hope you have a good week and we'll see you next week.
Sara: Thanks again for listening. The Family Place is a non-profit organization in Logan, Utah, with a mission to strengthen families and protect children. We call ourselves starfish throwers. If you're unsure what that means, refer back to our introduction episode where we explain it. The good news is you can be a starfish thrower too by subscribing to the Parents’ Place podcast and liking our social media pages. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with others and help us get our message out to more people. Also, be sure to check the show notes for links to information referenced in this episode. That's all for now, but we'll catch you again next time on the Parents’ Place.
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