Thank you listeners for sending in some questions about parenting. Many of us, in some ways, have asked and wondered about many of these hard questions. Jen and Sara do their best to answer these questions and give tips on how to approach these situations. If you enjoyed this episode, please send us more questions.
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Jen: Hello and welcome to the Parents Place, a podcast put out by The Family Place for parents to develop skills that will strengthen families and provide tools that will help each of us in our parenting efforts. No matter our skills we can always use reminders that help us work towards a safer, happier home. I'm your host. Jennifer Daly, the Education Director at the Family Place and my co-host is Sara Hendricks, a family educator at the Family Place. Every week, we will interview professionals that will provide valuable information that will make a difference when you apply it directly to your life. Thank you for joining us. Now, let's get started with today's episode.
Sara: Hello and welcome to the Parents Place podcast. I'm your host, Sara Hendricks, along with my co-host Jen Daly.
Jen
Hello, everyone!
Sara: We are so excited about this episode because first and foremost, we are doing this together in person. All of our episodes prior to this, we have been recording through the internet and we have felt very amateur with the background noises and the microphone issues and internet problems, that doing it in person just feels like a huge win right now! So, it's super exciting that Jen and I get to be sitting side by side as we do this episode. This is going to be something different. We haven't done an episode like this before, but we have been asking if any of you have questions to send us emails and we have received quite a few. So, we thought it would be fun to do a Q&A episode answering your questions.
Jen: All right. This is I am really excited about this because we've got some good questions! Now we have lots of questions, so we're not going to be able to answer them all this episode, but definitely we will keep them for future Q&A episodes. Our first email that we're going to answer is from a mother. And she says, “The pandemic is having a real negative impact on my child's mental health. They're irritable, they fight with their siblings, and grumpy all the time. How can I help my children?”
Sara: That is a good question. I feel like we're all pretty feral right now. But no, I think this is a good question that a lot of people can relate to.
Jen: I think this is a big issue. And if their older kids an issue that they may not want to talk about very much with their parents. And so, finding creative ways to communicate with your kids, I think, is super important. One is, first of all, sit down and talk with them and ask them what's going on, what are their concerns? And then maybe help them come up with a plan of when they are feeling down, what they can do instead. But I also think sometimes teendon't want to talk to their parents. And years ago, I heard this one mom tell me once that she got a journal and she would write a question in the journal and then Leave wrote on her daughter's pillow. And then her daughter would answer back. And then her daughter would ask the question and put it on her pillow for her to answer back. And this is how they communicated, and it made such a huge difference in their lives that the child was feeling like they were being heard. But the mother was also feeling like that connection was being made really strong. So, I feel like that's a great way to help older kids get some of their feelings out during this time. Do you have anything?
Sara: Yeah. Well, I really like that. But I was also thinking that something else to consider is that our children may not have words to describe why they're feeling the way that they are. They may not even understand why they're feeling that way. I know for myself I was really struggling with something since COVID started, and it's taken me a long time to really process and figure out why my body is responding the way that it is. And our children have a whole lot less words to connect to their emotions than we do as adults. And so, to ask them, like, “Why are you so grumpy? Why are you fighting with your siblings? Why are you so irritable?” They may not know it could be because they wear a mask at school all day, and they have no idea that that's affecting them internally. And so, to just be really mindful of that and maybe sometimes the best thing that we can do for our kids is to hug them, those meaningful touches. We know that our kids benefit from nine meaningful touches a day. That's a lot of touching, and that can be things like high fives or fist bumps, but also those like firm hugs. That makes a huge difference and just kind of rebalancing our nervous system.
Jen: I always love when I am having a hard time. I always like to have either my husband or my stepdaughter or my favorite is little kids and I will go up and I will just say, “Can you please come and give me a hug to where you're squeezing my guts out?” Because that just helps me calm. And it helps kids realize that hugging is a good thing, and they think it's hilarious because they're trying to squeeze my guts out.
Sara: That's awesome! I'm the same way. Like, my husband gives the best hugs because they're so solid and firm and our bodies just need that. And it makes me also think that maybe a weighted blanket could help if our children are really struggling with their mental health. That might be helpful as well.
Jen: You love that you brought up that kids may not have the words. Young kids especially probably don't have the words to express what they're feeling and what's bothering them. And I mean, another thing is if we're watching the new. I mean, there's a lot of stuff on the news now with the election, with Black Lives Matter and, COVID and all of these other things. If we're watching the news on a regular basis, it's a lot of hard stuff to watch. And so being a little bit mindful of what we're watching around our kids. And if they are in the room making sure that we are having that open dialogue, that communication of how are you feeling, what do you think about this kind of questions with your kids?
Sara: Yeah, a lot of times with the news or just other conversations in general, we think this is an adult conversation our kids don't understand. But really, they pick up a whole lot more than we even realize. And it's more scary for them because they don't have that language to really understand and process all of the things that are happening. They're just hearing maybe our negative side and it magnifies it for them how scary things actually are.
Jen: I just want to mention that if you are trying these things with your child and you don't see that they're helping, but that may be a time that you do need to get some professional help. There's nothing wrong with seeking out professional help. I always encourage parents to call in and ask for a third party. Because that third party is not emotionally connected to you or the child, and sometimes it's easier to come up with solutions when you're not emotionally attached to the situation. I know here in Utah you can call and talk to a therapist. And It's free of charge if it's COVID related. So, you might want to check with in your own state and see if that is something that is available to you in your state. I also want to mention a video series that the Family Place has done that is on YouTube and you can just Google, “I'm still here” And it will be a seven-video series, but it's interviews and conversations with people who have dealt with mental health issues, suicide ideation. And there are some suicide survivors that do speak out as well. That may be helpful for you to kind of understand where your child's coming from or family members.
Sara: Awesome! I haven't watched it yet, but I've heard amazing things. I meant to watch it yesterday and didn't get around to it, so it's on the list today, but I hear that it's so good. I love that you gave that resource. So just to reiterate, I feel like it's most important to start with you and your child if they're suffering mentally right now. Start with those conversations, try to dig deeper with what's going on. It doesn't mean that you have to jump into therapy, but if you feel like what you're trying to do at home isn't helping, then therapy is an option, and maybe those videos will be really helpful as well. OK, so email number two says “Since COVID has started…”, man, a lot of COVID related e-mails! “Since COVID has started and we have been stuck at home most of the time. My seven-year-old has started to eat a lot, always saying she is hungry and always looking for something to eat. She has gained a little belly. How do I positively talk about healthy eating without causing her to have a negative body image?”
I love this question! This is so good! So first of all, I feel really passionately about moms specifically and how we talk about our own bodies because I feel like that becomes the foundation for our children. I have a house full of girls, and girls especially internalized the things that we're saying when we're talking about ourselves a certain way that becomes their own self-talk. And so, I try really hard in my house that I don't go to the gym because I'm overweight and need to lose weight. I go to the gym to be healthy or I'm not going to eat this cookie because I'm fat. I'm not eating it because I want to be healthy. I feel like if I were saying those kinds of words of, “Oh, I'm so fat, I need to lose weight” that just creates this negative image of our bodies. And so, I try really hard to only talk about my goals of being healthy because it doesn't matter how much you weigh or how skinny you are or whatever. We all have a goal to be healthy. And so, I feel like that is a positive way to talk about our bodies. So as far as the seven-year-old, I think that there's a few different ways that this could be approached. First could be setting up a schedule that we eat breakfast and certain time lunch and dinner at a certain time and snacks at a certain time, and that we don't just graze all day long. I know in my house there's definitely guilt in this that grazing happens, but to have a more guided schedule, I have a sister that is really good at this. They eat a snack at a very specific time. Dinner and lunch are very specific times, and they don't really eat anything in between those times. And kids respond to schedules like that. And so that's one thing that could work.
Jen: Definitely. I think another thing that can work is, if you do have a grazer or having healthy options would be an important thing to do. Because then when they do come and ask you for that cookie, you can say, “Well, we have these apples. Let's try the apples” and then go from there. And if there's more grazing that happens, you can have string cheese, you can have yogurt, you can have carrots and things like that that they can choose from. I know that my stepdaughter, she is a big eater when she's bored. And I think that can happen right now, a lot with COVID since we're having to self-quarantine and not be out with lots of people. And so, she gets bored quite easy, and she's just constantly looking for something to eat out of boredom. And so maybe saying, “Are you bored? Is there something that we can do instead of eating the food?” Because really, we're not hungry, we're just bored and trying to fulfill that boredness.
Sara: Right and a lot of times we feel hungry, but really, we're just dehydrated. And so, making sure we're drinking plenty of water can help not feel that need to eat as well. What you're saying about having healthy snacks, I think that you could set up a box in the pantry and basket in the fridge of those healthy snacks and say when you're feeling hungry, you can go to those two places, set up some rules or boundaries. We're not just eating anything in the house, we're eating from these specific things that have been selected to be the snacks that we graze on. And so that can help to limit all of the processed food that can cause weight gain.
Jen: Me is also important to allow that cookie every once in a while.
Sara: For sure!
Jen: You don't want to take all of that stuff away because then that is what they want, and that's what they're going to be asking for. And that's when sneaking in comes in and hiding food and stuff like that. Are we ready for number three?
Sara: Let's do it.
Jen: All right. So, number three is, “What do I do when I have to answer my child? Not right now, when they have something they want to do first.” And I like this question because it's a whole frame of mind of thinking it doesn't matter. I really don't care if my child does what they were asking me to do. It's just the timing of it all. And so, I like to say, “Yes, you can go outside and play with your friends as soon as your homework done” because lots of times again, we don't care. And it's not a yes or no, it's just we need to have them finish something first. So just rephrasing as what can they do instead of what they can't do. And yes, you can as soon as this is done,
Sara: Yeah, like turning it into a positive rather than know saying that no part of it first. No, you can't play with your friends. You have to do your homework first. Just rephrasing it to say yes, you can play with your friends as soon as your homework is done just gives it that positive spin.
Jen: I was thinking of back on just this past Monday. We had a professional development here, and our executive director was talking about how our brain functions when we hear no or negative things. And it really helped me put this into perspective as we go into that. I always call it a reptilian brain, because every living thing has it. It's that part of our brain that deals with fight, flight or freeze. And so really, when your child is hearing, “No, you can't go outside and play”. That is the part of the brain that is triggered and is turned on, and they're not thinking about anything else and their body is being flooded with those hormones that come from that part of their brain. And some of them choose to sit there and fight with you. “Yeah, I'm going to go out and play with my friends because I want to and I can do my homework later”. And some of them just freeze and can stare at you and get that blank look or that scared look. And then some just run away and do what they want to do. But I really liked how that put that in perspective of how we are talking to our kids. If we're using those positive things, then we're not triggering that reptilian brain to take over.
Sara: Yeah, that actually, as you were talking, made me think if we're responding with “no” first, that is automatically triggering that negative side of they said no and they fixate on that, that doing homework is also negative versus when we say something positive, like, “Yes, you can go with your friends”. That triggers that positivity in our minds “As soon as your homework done, OK, I'll get my homework done!” you know, like you have. This positive response vs. you said, “No, I don't want to do my homework”, and then there's that pushback.
Jen: I'm a big, huge fan of recognizing the reptilian brain and I hopefully we will do a whole podcast on anger because that reptilian brain comes into play with anger as well.
Sara: Yes, I'm excited for the anger episode. OK, this parent says, “My young child lies all the time, and when I ask him if he is lying, he says No. How do I respond to that?” Oh man. To this mom, I feel ya! I'm in the same stage with one of my kids right now, and I do think that lying is a stage of development within our children.
Jen: Most definitely
Sara: So, my child is nine and very much in this stage, and I'm not positive when this stage starts, but I do think that it is natural for children to lie. And I say that because as adults, I mean, think about when we're put in a situation where we may not want to tell the truth because it's going to make us look bad. And we find ways to twist it, to put a positive spin on it and make ourselves look better like our kids are the same way. And they know they're going to get in trouble if they tell the truth that they're hoping to get out of it.
Jen: So what part of the brain is triggered right now, Sara?
Sara: Reptilian!
Jen: Yes! That reptilian brain gets triggered. And so they're coming, you're asking if they are lying and that reptilian brain gets triggered. They then turn to that fight flight or freeze mode. And so either they're going to say, “No, I didn't do that. What are you talking about?” Or they're going to run away and cry, or they're just going to freeze and stare at you. So again, with lying, that reptilian brain comes into play. But I think there's a lot of other things that you can do with that. And I think sitting with kids and first making sure that you're in a good space. We talked about energy several episodes, and if you haven't listened to it, you need to listen to. It's a great episode. But making sure that your energy is in a good place and you're feeling OK with it, because if you go in into talking to your child about lying and you're not in a good space and you're uncomfortable in your energy, then you're going to come off in a negative way. And that's just going to trigger that reptilian brain even more. So first, making sure that you are in a good space. So this is a calm and positive conversation instead of a negative control battle that it could turn into. And so sitting down and talking with them in a calm manner when both people are calm is the most important thing that you can do. And really taking those teaching moments during that time of the importance of telling the truth that consequences are smaller. When we tell the truth and when we lie, there's going to be a different consequence and it may be, you know, a harder consequence for us to deal with. And so letting kids understand that.
Sara: Yeah, I think you bring up a really good point of being in the right frame of mind when we're having conversations with our kids about lying because oftentimes when they're lying, it's really not a big deal. But we, as the parents know that they're lying and we want them to tell the truth, and we want to instill these values within our kids, to be honest. And maybe we worry that they're going to grow up being adults that lie all the time. I don't know. But most often, what they're lying about really isn't that big of a deal. Maybe they broke something in the house and we're mad that it got broken and we know that they did it, but they don't want to get in trouble, and so they're lying about it. I think that if we come to the conversation in a better frame of mind, not already with our fists up ready to fight, it's going to be a more productive conversation because ultimately we're wanting to instill those values in our kids, to be honest, that it's not going to be productive to come in already yelling and mad, but to create a safe space for our kids to learn how to come clean and be honest. And ultimately, I think that is the consequence for our kids to have to admit their fault and come clean. I mean, if you think about it, they're sitting there with their hearts pounding in their chest because they're so worried about what's going to come from telling the truth that that really could be its own consequence, just telling the truth. But if they lie, then there's a bigger consequence and we have these conversations with our kids so that they understand, have you have just told the truth? That would have been the end of it, but because you lied, now we have to have a bigger consequence. You've already faced the first consequence of trying to tell the truth. And now there's going to be something else.
Jen: So I feel like lots of times we think that discipline needs to be harsh. We're wanting kids to learn through that pain of the consequence. And if we really think about discipline, it is to teach the root word comes from disciple, which is to teach. And so really, if we can sit down and teach something that should be all that we need to do. Because like Sarah was saying, the consequence for them sitting right there, they're scared, they're going to remember this, but they're going to in the end, it's going to come out as this positive thing as mom and dad sat down with me. They were calm. Yes, I was scared, but I was able to tell the truth. And sometimes that's just all you need, and that's all of the lesson that they need for that one time. But we also do need to remember with kids. Repetition is how they learn. So lying is going to happen again. It's not going to be a one-time conversation and it's going to be done. They learned through repetition. And so, we have to be patient with that repetition.
Sara: I think that's really good because if you also think about it, there are plenty of opportunities for our children to lie. And their experience with the response to telling the truth versus lying really comes from home and parenting. And so, if they lie to us and we explode and have these really harsh consequences that they feel that pain from then when they're at school and something happens and they have to tell the truth to their teacher, they're going to choose to lie because they're too scared of the consequence that's involved. Does that make sense? I may have said that wrong.
Jen: No, it made sense!
Sara: OK! but and so we're really setting that foundation for our kids that I know it's easy for me to say sitting here that we need to come in level headed and ready to have a conversation versus reacting to the situation. But ultimately, our goal as parents is to teach our kids and to rear them into good adults, right? And so how we respond to things is what's becoming their foundation for how they're going to react and behave.
Jen: I just wanted to add it's not only kids who learn through repetition. We as adults learn through repetition as well. So yes, Sara and I can sit here and talk and give these solutions, but it does take practice. So, remember to be kind to yourself, allow yourself to make mistakes and start over again. That's OK!
Sara: Yeah, for sure! I had so many moments as a parent where words are leaving my mouth as my brain is thinking, “Why am I saying these things?” And it's like, so frustrating! But I'm so worked up in that moment that I can't even stop myself, even when my brain is thinking, “This isn't OK, like, take a step back, take a breath, put a pin in it, come back to it”. And so, it's a learning opportunity in every single situation, and none of us are perfect and we have to keep practicing and getting better with every situation. I feel bad for my oldest because she's the guinea pig and she gets all of my first reaction responses. And then when the second child does it, I'm a little bit better when the third child does it. Maybe I'm closer to perfection, I don't know.
Jen: Maybe when your husband does it, they're closer to perfection!
Sara: Definitely! Haha OK, hopefully, that answers enough for the lying question.
Jen: So, our next email is “I can't seem to find a consequence my child really cares about”. Oh, my goodness, I hear this all the time!
Sara: And it's the worst!
Jen: And it is so hard because what happens when they really don't care?
Sara: Yeah, and it's different for every child, and so it's hard to answer it generally.
Jen: That is very true because what works for one kid will never work for the next kid and so on and so on. And so, you have to have lots of tools within your tool belt.
Sara: Right. And so, we can't talk to specifics with what this particular parent and that child would care about. But we can talk a little generally when it comes to consequences. There are natural consequences in a situation like if your child breaks something, well, the natural consequence is that they don't get to have that thing anymore. It's broken, so they have to pick it up and throw it in the garbage. That's a natural consequence for them to see that that destructive behavior of getting mad and breaking something now they don't get to have that thing anymore.
Jen: I think also, if it's not in that destructive way, like I remember being terrified of breaking a glass. And when I got older and I remember getting mad at one of my niece's, I'm sure. that they had broken with glass and my initial reaction was to get mad and then I'm like, is just a glass! But she also needs to know when she breaks something, she needs to clean it up. It's like spilling milk or whatever you're spilling your drink. Katie spilled drink cleaned up. I mean, that again, is that teaching moment. That's all of the consequence that you need right in that moment is that natural consequence. My mom always used to tell us if we spilled much something at dinnertime. “Oops, it looks like you got the Bozo award for the night, and why don't you just clean that up and everything's OK!”
Sara: Yeah, I think sometimes we feel like we still have to come up with a consequence in addition to this example of breaking something. When really the consequence could just be that they were the ones that had to clean it up, or that they don't get to have that thing anymore because it's now broken. They had to throw it away. That's consequence enough sometimes.
Jen: One that I get a lot is what if when my kids were now to the street and this is my example when we're talking about natural consequences. Well, the natural consequence would be that you allow them to go out in the street and they're going to get hit by a car. We cannot allow them to have that consequence because that is too dangerous. And so, then that's when we switch to a logical consequence. And if we can't follow the rules outside and stay within our grassy yard, then we need to come inside. And that is the logical consequence of running out into the street. I had a friend once told me, “You know, I can train my dog not to go out in the street. I can train my kids not go out in the street, too”. And I thought about that and it was true. But it's asked to having to be diligent as well. And so logical consequences come into play when the natural consequence is too dangerous for them to have.
Sara: Yeah. And I think it's also important to set up those consequences or those boundaries so that the child is making the choice. They now know if they're going to run out into the street, then the consequences that they have to go play inside. And now it's on them. They've chosen what they're going to do. And so, there's less pushback because they've understood by playing in the street and not following the rules, they've chosen the consequence to go inside.
Jen: I think for the parent that can't find that consequence. I think just trying lots of different things. And yes, I know it's obnoxious and it's long and tedious, but they care about something. And the more we try, the closer we're going to come to that end solution. I remember working with a child years ago and it was in an elementary school and the teacher would send him down to the my room, which was it was called Refocus. That's where all the kids were, who couldn't handle being in class came to my room and he couldn't do his math problems and he would just get so mad and he would sit there and he would stare at me, and I promised lots of different things. I tried to come up with lots of different rewards for him doing his math. And one day I just happened to have peanuts on my desk and he asked me for a peanut. And I said, “Yes, you can have a peanut after you answer a math problem!”
Sara: Oh, look at that positive spin!
Jen: So that's what a, and I know there's lots of research out there. There's lots of different techniques and people say, I don't want to reward for every little thing that you do. And yes, at that moment, I gave him a peanut for every math problem that he finished. But then I started weaning it where it's “OK, you get a peanut for every third math problem that you do.” And then I make it less and less. And now you have to finish the whole page before you get some peanuts.
Sara: That's awesome! Well, Jen, I think that we are all out of time.
Jen: That is sad because we got lots of other great questions,
Sara: I know! I think we only answered five questions
Jen: We were prepared to answer a lot more! But we don't want to keep everyone too long and we will keep these questions for our next Q&A. We hope that you've enjoyed this!
Sara: Yeah, I think that it was really fun, and we hope that more parents will send in questions.
Jen
And you can do that by going to the anchor app or on your computer to anchor. And you can record a voice message or you can go to our email, which is parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org
Sara: We will link both of those in the show notes,
Jen: As well as our Facebook pages. It's Sara Hendricks-The Family Place and Jen Daly- The Family Place on Facebook. So you can reach us there as well.
Sara: If you liked this episode, just think how much cooler it could be if we had your voices recorded saying those questions versus us just reading what the email said. I'm just saying it would be a cool episode!
Jen: You would be heard around the world
Sara: Right? Because this podcast is worldwide.
Jen: Yes!
Sara: Is not universe wide yet, but that is part of the statistics that we can see who on other planets are listening.
Jen: So, we thank you for joining us today for this podcast. We hope that as answering these questions was helpful for you and you've gotten some good ideas. We look forward to having you on our next podcast, which will be last minute gift ideas, which I am looking forward to because I'm a last-minute shopper.
Sara: I'm looking forward to it too, because of who were interviewing. I think she's going to be amazing!
Jen: Yes! So, thanks again. We hope you have a wonderful day. Enjoy the holiday season and the magic that comes along with that.
Sara: Thanks again for listening. The Family Place is a non-profit organization in Logan, Utah, with a mission to strengthen families and protect children. We call ourselves starfish throwers. If you're unsure what that means, refer back to our introduction episode where we explain it. The good news is you can be a starfish thrower too! By subscribing to the Parents Place podcast and liking our social media pages. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with others and help us get our message out to more people. Also, be sure to check the show notes for links to information referenced in this episode. That's all for now, but we'll catch you again next time on the Parents Place!
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