This is the first episode of one of our new segments, Ask Away! Parents and children can write in questions that they need help with or are scared to ask their parents.
Today Hilary and Jen get puberty and sex talks tossed at them right from the start! Come get some tips for talking to kids about puberty, when to start teaching about puberty, foregoing the "scare tactic" styles, and trying to make puberty and sex be a less terrifying chat between us and our children.
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Jen: Welcome to the Parents’ Place podcast with Hillary and Jen.
Hilary: All right wonderful people out there, we are real excited today, actually, because we have a new segment that we are starting and this segment has been in the works for a while. So we're kind of pumped up that that we get to roll it out for you today. So our official title for this segment is Ask Away with the Parents’ Place. And essentially, this segment came from a conversation that I believe Leslie, you brought up, which was the idea that sometimes our kids have questions like burning questions that they don't necessarily dare ask their parents. And I think that that's very normal for many kids. And so we wanted to have an open, you know, a platform where they could maybe do that, where they could ask a question and we could provide an answer so that they don't just continue to go with these unknowns.
Jen: I know. And then collapse, right? Even this is for you parents to be able to know how to also bring it up.
Hilary: Exactly, you know, and when Leslie brought up this idea, I thought, Ooh, I'm kind of excited to see what these questions are. So yes, for you parents out there, I think it's intriguing to find out what the questions are that your kids possibly have on their mind. That maybe you didn't even know they had on their mind.
Jen: These kids gave us some doozies!
Leslie: I know you're in the hot seat for sure! Drum roll! OK, so we're going to start with one of the questions that we have received. And that question is why do different things happen to boys and girls bodies in puberty? What makes puberty different for boys? And you guys can't see it. But I know it's different for boys and girls.
Jen: I tell you it's a doozy right off the bat.
Leslie: It's hard to say when they would scientific on that, though.
Hilary: And then they are asking the wrong people if they're expecting a scientific response
Leslie: I think this is a good one, though. I think this is definitely silly. I don't even think I can answer very well, but so I'm excited to hear what you guys have.
Jen: Well, go ahead, Hilary.
Hilary: You know, I think it's funny now. Actually, I think it's funny because I don't know about you guys out there, but where we live in Cache County. They have a wonderful program that where a local health department comes to our schools and they do what they call the maturation program, which is kind of where they introduce these, these pre-teens, these young adolescents, and help them to know a little better about what is either happening to their body or will very soon happen to their body. But it's always interesting to me because they split the boys and they send them to one room and then they take the girls and send them to another room, right? And I get it. It's weird to bring them all to one room. And so I know that this is probably the best case scenario, but sometimes I think it leaves with like boys wondering what do they talk about? What's going to happen to the girls? Like, it's a secret, right?
Jen: Do they not talk about the girls?
Hilary: They do, to a small extent, but not a lot? Yeah. So they give them just a few basic general ideas. But it is. I think it almost is a disservice to a degree because it's like, All right, boys, here's everything that's going to happen to you. The girls are learning other stuff like, who knows what that is? But it doesn't pertain to you. So you just focus on this.
Jen: It's made secret.
Leslie: Yeah, but then you know, they're talking about it on the playground. Oh yes, we talked about tampons and pads, and the boys are like, what are tampons and pads?
Jen: So, yeah, yeah, I it just makes it secret, and I don't think that anything should be secret.
Hilary: Yeah. Well, because I think that something that's important for you kids to understand and for your parents, obviously as well, too, is that puberty is a normal natural thing. I mean, it is a change that's going to occur to all of you and. You know, we talk about puberty and we say it like bleeeeehh... puberty, right?
Jen: Because we've all gone through it.
Hilary: But the reality is, is that I mean, honestly, puberty is a change. Right. And we know we've talked before about how change is hard, right? It's a transition. It's an adjustment. It's taking us out of our comfort zone. It's doing all the things that us, as a human being, doesn't really like to do because we love comfort and we love stability and we love knowing what to expect. And so I think puberty gets a bad reputation because of that, because it's different because it's an adjustment
Jen: And it involves our private body parts, which no one wants to talk about, right?
Hilary: Yes, exactly. And so I think it's good to recognize that, yes, our bodies are changing. And yes, my body is going to look different than the other gender’s body, or maybe even than my friends who are of the same gender. And that's okay because our bodies are different. Yeah.
Jen: And my body might be doing this earlier than my friend's bodies.
Leslie: That's such a hard thing. Oh, yes.
Jen: Which I think is hard for parents, because it's like, where do I, when do I start talking to my kids about this? Because there's kids that are eight, nine years old that are going through puberty? Yeah. And parents don't want to talk about the stuff that young. They're like, I don't have to talk to my kid that young, but you really do need to start it fairly young. Yeah. Well, you don't want to wait for it to happen and then start having the conversation.
Hilary: Yes, you know, and I think I think that our our, you know, our local schools and I'm not necessarily saying anything negative. I love our schools here, but I think that they have picked a good time to have this program in our and the child's life. But the reality is, is that yes, some of these kids have already gone through some of this stuff even before the program itself. And so I think as parents, sometimes we wait and think they'll get that from the school, it'll be taken care of in fifth grade and then you're like, It may not.
Jen: It’s happening right now.
Leslie: I can't wait until fifth grade, right? But there's even some great children's books that are out there that you know, and you always want to do things at a child age appropriate level. And so that's something that is to think about as well. But like you said, like our schools, even to offer this service in a public school is an amazing thing. There's a ton of public schools that do not get that service whatsoever. And so the fact that our kids can get it and have that service and be able to get it is an amazing thing.
Hilary: So thank you!
Leslie: Yeah. You know, please continue to come.
Hilary: But as parents, I think we want to make mention of the fact that that's not the only conversation you should be having. And we've talked about this before having these open and honest continual conversations. And that conversation is going to include what's happening to the opposite gender. And so even though we're talking to you, like you said about tampons and pads and all of those things, we're going to have a conversation about that. But then we're also going to talk about, well, here's what's happening to the boys at the same time.
Leslie: And even with me, like having three kids. I feel like each one of them are going to be ready for that conversation at different levels. It's like, you know, maturity does play a role in that as well. And so I, you know, and it's just such a complicated. And like, you know, where do you start and how do you explain it is such a different, really, really difficult thing. But like you said, I think just making it normal because this is going to be the only change that happens in life.
Jen: I think giving children the basics when they're super young, but then answering the questions, if they have other questions, we have to answer them. We can't say, well in a couple of years, I'll talk to you about that and we need to answer them right when they ask them. Because though, if we don't answer them, they'll find them somewhere else or ask someone else about it. I do remember a family I worked with years ago. Her five-year-old came to her and said, Mom, what is happening to my private body parts? And she's like, It's OK, that is normal. You just have extra blood running down there. Let's take some deep breaths. It's OK. And so at five, she was having to start having a little bit of that conversation.
Hilary: Well, so you wonderful child out there saying, OK, what exactly is going to happen to me? You know, the reality is, is that there is some very I mean, there are some key similarities that I think are happening with both genders. And then there obviously are some things that are different.
Jen: You're getting body hair. Exactly. Body odor?
Hilary: Exactly, yes. Chances are you're going to start to grow both taller and you may, you know, in other areas of your body, too. And so you're going to see some growth in different areas. There are some differences obviously. With boys, you're going to see their voice, you know, they're going to see their voice get a little bit lower. Right. With boys, obviously you're going to have more common erections, things like that. And so, yeah, there are some major differences. Obviously, girls will experience periods, but there are some similarities that you can see as well there too. And it's just a part of your body developing additional hormones you know, are happening to your body, and those hormones are there for a reason.
Jen: Everyone goes through this quirky little stage. Yeah, I mean, appearance wise and I think that that is just your body figuring out like, Oh my heavens, what is this? Random flow of hormones and what am I suppose to do with it?
Leslie: I thought you meant like a quirky little outfit like mine consisted of glittery purple eye shadow.
Jen: Pimples and hair.
Hilary: Yeah.
Jen: Your hair is getting greasier than normal. It's like I got to take a shower more often now, and it's like, what the heck is going on?
Leslie: And I think for you guys, one of the biggest things to let you know whoever wrote this question, know is like be honest. If it's not happening or if it is happening. Be honest because like you guys said, this is something that is very normal, very common. So if there is something that is or isn't happening, that just needs to be checked out.
Hilary: And you know, it's funny because I have I have a son who is 12 and good thing he doesn't listen to this podcast as I use it as an example for this. In all honesty, this has been a big year for him. You know, and I have noticed, I mean, he's thrilled because he's almost as tall as me, and he's just he's just crossing his fingers that one day he surpasses me, which he will with how tall he is right now. But I've seen a massive growth not only with his body, but with his confidence, with his ability to make good decisions. And he's setting up a good, strong support system with his friends and he's building more independence. And so I feel like, you know, we talk about these physical changes in our bodies when it comes to puberty, but there's a lot of other changes that are happening. They're good things. I mean, you guys are going to you're going to hit that age where you are. You're going to start to be able to make more decisions and you're going to be able to start to have more choices. And guess what? That's pretty darn cool. And so I look forward to things like that, too. It's an exciting time.
Jen: I know my stepdaughter the first thing she came she was probably like probably 13. And she's like, Jen, I really don't like the soap that you use. Like what? Body wash like I've never bought body wash. I'm like the most I can get in a bottle. Great. I care less about what it smells like. Anything like that as long as I'm getting the biggest bang for my buck. But she's like, I really don't like that. I want a different soap. And so that's kind of like the stage, the age, whereas like they're starting to get into those kind of things as well.
Leslie: May came to me when she was 10. May does listen to this podcast. Sorry, my dear. It's like, she said, I want to change my vibe. And I was like. OK. Let's have this conversation. You know what? And that's so exciting though.
Hilary: Exciting when
Jen: They’re trying to figure out what they want to look like.
Hilary: And that's what that identity is important. So you guys did get that one? Pretty good. Oh, all right. We passed this next one.
Jen: Just a minute before we go by, I think there's things that happen at this age as well that we need to make sure parents talk to their kids about. Yes. And I think that is especially here in Cache Valley. Mm hmm. And there's other religious that there's a predominant religion within their communities, and I think it's masturbation because this is the time that is going to start really in both boys and girls. And so really having that conversation and if this goes against your religious beliefs or whatever, because it is a very normal development that kids go through. Hmm. And so you need to talk to them about that and what your belief systems are and if it's OK within your household, where is an appropriate place to do things and things like that. So that's one question I always get.
Leslie: Where to put the towels after. Yeah, but it's true.
Hillary: Having conversations like this. I love having these hard conversations. I shouldn’t say, I love having these hard conversations, but having these conversations opens up the door to be able to instill the values and beliefs and what you feel and believe. And I love that because sometimes it's hard to sit down to your kids and say, Let me tell you what, I believe in life. I mean, some of us can do that really well. But I think when we bring up conversations like this, it gives us the opportunity to express morals and values and things like that and helping children to create and decide what they feel is important.
Jen: And that's just adding more to their foundation. And your foundation is parent-child of being open and willing to talk about hard things.
Leslie: Our next one that we have that someone that wrote in is why are some grown ups so quiet and don't want to talk about puberty and stuff? Yes, but other grownups talk about it and bring it up a lot. Is it bad? Did my daughter write this one? Oh, she's always telling me I'm talking about sex too much because I do. I want to have that open conversation. Yeah. So is it bad to talk about?
Jen: I don't think it's bad, but I think there's this. I don't know when I'm teaching a parenting class and I say, OK, let's talk about sexuality. All of the faces come down to the floor except for mine. Like, I don't like to talk about this. I'm like, OK, let's remember there's a difference between sex and that's an act. Yes. And sexuality.
Leslie: Yes.
Jen: And parents don't understand. Some parents don't understand that. And so I think that is a good. Some of us are more quiet about sex, but we'll talk about sexuality, because that is your morals, your beliefs, your gender, your preferences, all that kind of stuff, we may be a little bit more comfortable with that. Yeah, yeah.
Hilary: So we've done we've done studies here in our area, in our valley. And one of the things that we've asked the people in our community is in regards to talking to kids about sex and sexuality and why some parents choose not to do it. And I remember looking at the results of that question and overwhelmingly, it basically helped us to understand that it's not the parents don't see it as an important thing to talk about. They do they recognize that it's important and it should be done, but they just don't know what to say. And so they know that it needs to be a part of the conversation. They just don't know where to go. They're afraid of saying too much or saying too little or causing confusion or, you know. And so I for that kid that's maybe out there, that's maybe listening to us or maybe that parent, right? It's not that it's a bad thing to talk about. It's good. Sometimes us as parents, we just don't know what to say.
Leslie: And like you said with, you don't know what to say, did you say? Because that was me and I have a hard point is maybe I'm talking more than I'm listening. Hmm. You know, just really posing the question and listening, I feel is really important.
Jen: Or just saying, what do you know about this and see what they know?
Leslie: Oh my gosh, it'll shock you.
Jen: I am always, always shocked with what my stepdaughter knows with knowing more than what you realize. Oh my gosh, yes, my god. I'm like, Are you kidding me? Why? I didn't know that until I was 20.
Hilary: But you know what? It gives you a good starting point, because then you're like, OK, OK, you already are familiar with that. And so now we need to give you this information. Or maybe how you know nothing about that or what you thought you knew was very, very inaccurate. So let's, you know, fix that knowledge.
Leslie: We're living in a very different generation. Everything is at their fingertips. Yeah, they can Google anything and unfortunately see anything. And so it's really one of those things that I like you said like, wow, what have you seen and what have you done and going in there with an open mind. Because that’s hard.
Jen: My husband told his oldest that you got pregnant by holding hands. No. And I said, Dude, why? He's like because I did not want my daughter doing anything. But you still got to teach her how to be careful and protection, and because you never know the decision that they're going to make and then they're going to be like dumbfounded because they're pregnant or whatnot, because they didn’t hold hands.
Leslie: And I think that was, like, really like a generational thing, too. And, you know, in that generation, that will just scare tactics. But we've learned that that children do not care. Yes, children want in, you know, like there's so much they're giving information directly like, we're getting the fastest information just with like Tik Tok and Instagram, like they can talk to anyone in the world from anywhere in the world. And so that kind of goes into like another topic of, you know, really knowing what your kids are up to when it's behind closed doors but staying respectful.
Jen: I think the main reason why parents don't talk about it is because they're just scared and they don't know what to say. And those parents who do talk about it all the time. I feel like it's just because they're comfortable with it, and they want to make sure you're comfortable with it as well.
Hilary: So my advice to you, child/children out there, if you will, is that if you do have a parent that obviously maybe doesn't want to talk about it or kind of brushes away the conversation, ask again, you know, don't give up. We want we as parents, we want to be the open door that we go to. But like Jen says, sometimes we just don't know what to say. So have patience with us, you know, recognize that sometimes you're going to ask a question and we don't have an answer to it. And and that's OK, because there might be times where your parents say, I don't know or I am going to have to get back with you. If that's the case, ask again, you know, at a later time, but recognize that as parents we’re trying. Sometimes we just don't necessarily know where to go with it.
Jen: And sometimes there is stuff in our past, that just makes it hard to talk about.
Hilary: Yeah, that's a good point. So but it's never bad to talk about. Bottom line. So don't feel like you're ever a bad person for bringing up that topic.
Jen: We've got to know what our bodies are doing and how they're going to develop and what to expect. Our children thrive off of being predictable, and what's going to come next is the same with their bodies. They thrive off of that information of knowing what's going to happen to their body so they're not freaked out. So when a girl does get her first period, she's like, Oh my crud, what's going on now? You know, if we've never talked about it or if the boy has his first wet dream, what the heck was that? Yeah. You know, and then then they're they're afraid to talk about it. And then the shame comes with that. And just parents, even if it's hard, just bite down and do it.
Hilary: This is hard, right? It's OK to say to your kids. It's a hard thing for me to say. I’m not normally used to doing this, but I want to talk to you about this
Leslie: Or even just have them say talk to me. Yeah. You know, I might not always say the right thing. I always ask this right thing, you know, but.
Jen: And I'm a big believer. We talked about this a little bit ago of just boys and girls not learning about what the other one or what is happening with the other one. I'm a big believer. Teach them about both genders and so that they can be respectful to the other one. Instead of teasing girls for having their periods or teasing boys for having this erection that just happened because it happens. And we hopefully we can teach our children not to bully each other just because of what's going on with their bodies.
Leslie: So good. So let's stay on this wonderful topic. We're going to because evidently the kids want to know puberty changes and everything. We got a question in and this one is a good one. Kind of goes into the communication of relationships between parent and kid. And so the question is, how do I tell my mom that I don't want to wear a bra? Me too.
Hilary: I was just going to say as an adult, what if I don't want to wear a bra?
Jen: They are. They are not the best things ever.
Hilary: You know, it's let's be honest, because we're we're all we're ladies in this room. Yes. Bras stink. I mean, they're they're no fun. They're not fun to wear. And so but we're used to it because we've been doing it for who knows how many years. And so you think back on these poor little kids, you know, I'm putting a bra for them to put a bra on. It's uncomfortable, right? It's awkward. It's poking me in places that I haven't been poked before. Yes, it's rubbing against my body on areas that I'm not used to.
Jen: Have never been rubbed on.
Hilary: And, you know, like, I feel like we just need to remember as parents that this is a completely new situation that probably doesn't feel great, right?
Jen: I do love that they're coming out with more sports bras
Hilary: Kinds that are much more comfortable.
Jen: But more like that tankini and things like that kind of shape. And I love that because I remember when my it was like, you still had to snap the hooks and everything else was awkward.
Leslie: I think now I'm like, Oh, I don't like that makes me cringe to snap snapping. Oh yeah, no, I, I don't wear anything like that.
Jen: I guess that snapping wouldn't be the right word. Hooking the hooks.
Leslie: Whatever. I'm not getting anything with hooks for her. You know, and I know this person is, you know, having wire. But I mean, my gosh, and I, unless it's just like a tank top, you know? But there's, like you said, there's so many options. Yeah.
Jen: And I think as a parent, instead of us choosing that for them, take them to the store, have them choose what type they want.
Hilary: Explore all those options, what color they want
Jen: Things like that so that they know that it feels good on their body and they can be proud of it instead of something that's like, I have to wear this or I don't want to wear it.
Hilary: Don't we all have a favorite bra that we're like, that's 100 percent. And so I feel like as kids, you know, you've got it and it's a little bit of an investment. I get it. You know, it might be a little bit bit of an expense trying to purchase a few different ones to find no one.
Leslie: But you can always return those, you know. Amazon is a free plug there. Amazon is an amazing thing. I love it!
Jen: I think don't give them hand-me-downs from their older sister, let them have their own.
Leslie: Because this is a kind of like a coming, right?
Hilary: Yeah, well, that's just it. Make this more of an experience. Rather than saying, here's your sister's old bra, say to your child, let's go out to dinner tonight. We'll spend a little bit of time together, then we can do some shopping after that. Who knows? We can even have some conversations that need to be had during that time.
Leslie: I love it. It's like, Let's have let's make this moment. Yes. And rather than a dreaded yes, and it's hard too when you have a because I know my kids love teasing each other and that was a hard thing was because, you know, you want you. You, of course, as a parents keeping it positive. But then you have to tell the older brother, Don't say anything. And that's hard.
Jen: Yeah. I also think it's a good thing. Just this is a great time to talk about body safety and keeping your private parts private and things like that. I, you know, in the line of work that we work with, we know there's lots of, let's just say, people who have. I don't know even how to say it.
Hilary: We just safety is of utmost importance.
Leslie: But that's the last thing the kids are thinking of.
Jen: Yeah, but that's why it's important for parents to bring it up.
Leslie: It's OK to. It’s okay to say, This is what's happening.
Jen: And there are people that what's the word I'm looking for? Disregard or mistreat bodies. And we don't want you to be mistreated. Well, I hope that this was helpful for the kids if they've listened. I’m hopeful that this is helpful for parents to kind of have an idea of how to bring up topics. Humor is always a good thing. Appropriate humor, of course, if you or your children have any other questions that you would liked aired on, Ask Away. Please send them to our email address. That's in the show notes. Thank you for listening to the Parents' Place podcast. If you would like to reach us, you can at parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org or you can reach Jen on Facebook. Jen Daley - The Family Place. Please check out our show notes for any additional information. Our website is thefamilyplaceutah.org, or if you're interested in any of our upcoming virtual classes, we'd love to see you there.
Subject Resources: - https://www.amazon.com/Days-Sex-Talks-Ages-3-7/dp/0986370800 - https://www.amazon.com/Days-Sex-Talks-Ages-8-11/dp/0986370819/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr= - https://www.amazon.com/Days-Sex-Talks-Ages-Empowering/dp/1733604642/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr= - https://www.amazon.com/Who-Has-What-About-Bodies/dp/0763629316 - https://www.stopitnow.org/ohc-content/ten-things-to-remember-when-you-talk-to-kids-about-sexuality\ - https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/talk-about-puberty.html Contact:
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