Sara and Jen share 10 parenting tips that fill this episode with loads of information in a quick and meaningful way! Possibly the most important tip we share is how you can honestly tell others you go to the gym everyday even if you don't have a membership. Haha! You don't want to miss this!
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Jen: Hello and welcome to The Parent’s Place, a podcast put out by The Family Place for parents to develop skills that will strengthen families and provide tools that will help each of us in our parenting efforts. No matter our skills, we can always use reminders that help us work towards a safer, happier home. I'm your host, Jennifer Daly, the education director at The Family Place and my co-host is Sara Hendricks, a family educator at The Family Place. Every week, we will interview professionals that will provide valuable information that will make a difference when you apply it directly to your life. Thank you for joining us. Now, let's get started with today's episode. Hi and welcome to The Parent’s Place podcast, this is Jen Daly, your host.
Sara : And I'm Sara Hendricks, your co-host.
Jen: We are excited to have you here today. Today we are going to have a conversation between the two of us of our top 10 parenting tips.
Sara: Yeah. So, I'm really excited about this topic. I think it's a good one just to throw in some little quick tips and tidbits for what we find are really important things for parents. So first and foremost, I just want to say that parents, you are doing better than you think. I'm a firm believer that everyone is doing the best they can with what they know and understand. And it doesn't matter if you have a Ph.D. in child development and parenting or if you're a single mom with a drug addiction, everyone is doing the best that they can in their situations.
Jen: I really think we have to stop and think of everybody’s situations. We all grow up differently. We all have different perspectives. One of my favorite things to remind myself is that we all have garbage behind our doors and we can't point fingers at one person when we have garbage behind our own door. And like I said, we never know how someone grew up, so they are really doing the best with their history, what they've known, all of that kind of stuff.
Sara: Right. We can't hold people to our standards because we don't know what tools they have in their toolbox.
Jen: I just think between you and I, we have very different, I mean, expectations within our own home. Just because this is the way you think it works best for your family isn't the best way that works for my family. And again, we just need to be kind to each other, and parenting is a hard job. And like Sara said, we're all doing the very best we can do with the information that we have.
Sara: Yeah. And so maybe 10 minutes ago, you exploded on your child and you don't feel very good about what happened. That's OK. Every moment is a new beginning, so reset and try again and do better next time.
Jen: I just think of a parent that I have in a parenting class currently, and she had said, “You know, I'm doing all of these things wrong.” And I said “10 minutes ago, did you know any different? Did you know this information ten minutes ago?” She's like, “No, but I took another parenting class,” but that parenting class really didn't resonate with her. And so, when she's learning this information and this class seems to be resonating with her better, she's thinking, I'm doing all of these things wrong. And I stopped and I reminded her, you didn't know this information five minutes ago, 10 minutes ago, yesterday. So, you were doing what you knew was best. And what you thought was best was the way that maybe you were raised and it really wasn't the best techniques or whatever the most effective techniques. And so just be kind to yourself. And now you have new information. Now you can tweak it to you and your family and see what works. And if it doesn't work, try something else.
Sara: Absolutely. Which I feel like leads really well into our next point of don't compare your behind the scenes to somebody else's highlight reel. I'm sure a lot of people have heard this before, but you know, we see all of the hard in our own lives. But then on social media, people don't post about their hards. They post about the exciting and fun things, the vacations they go on, the amazing things their children are doing, and it looks like the highlight reel.
Jen: And not only that, they use filters, so it looks even ten times better.
Sara: Right? But yeah, we're comparing it to our day to day that daily grind. And so, it seems like they have this most amazing life when really behind the scenes for them could look exactly like yours.
Jen: We put too much stock in pictures, snapshots of single moments. You don't know if two minutes prior to that snapshot that mom or dad wasn't yelling at that kid because of the fact that they weren't in the right spot in the picture with the right sunlight?
Sara: Right? So, I can attest to that because I have put videos on social media of doing something fun with my children. But to get that perfect video, it was not perfect behind the scenes.
Jen: And we need to remember that. So, comparing ourselves to what other people look like in that snapshot is not fair to us, and it's not fair to them either. But I think I would really like to see actually someone post real-life social media. This is what real life is like. Forget these pretty pictures. This is what it's like in my house. Another topic that I think is super important within families, and to me, it's the beginning and ending of everything is communication. Because if we're not communicating with each other, then there's going to be a lot more misbehaviors, a lot more misunderstandings and a lot more hurt feelings.
Sara: And that's between parent and child, but also between you and your significant other. You have to communicate.
Jen: And be honest in your communication. I think just the other night I was talking to my husband about he's teaching my stepdaughter how to drive. And he is a driver that likes to fly into parking lots. So, it's not like slow down and then slowly turn into a parking lot. It's like you slow down to maybe 25 miles an hour and take the corner and you're in the parking lot as your axle or whatever is falling behind your car. And so, asking him that and he's like, “Have you had this problem for a while?” I'm like, “What for like the past four and a half years, we've been married?” And I'm like, “Well, yeah, but I've never said anything.” He's like, “Well, why haven't you said anything?” And so being honest with that in our conversations and being honest in those times of difficulty meaning like difficult topics and just thinking what some of those topics are, Sara, and the first one that comes to my mind is talking about sex. Not necessarily with your spouse, but with your kids teaching them about being honest in that communication, of talking about sex with your kids and sexuality and what to expect and within their own bodies and correct terminology and things like that. That's probably the hardest conversation any parent has with their kids, because either they're embarrassed or they don't know how to talk about it or whatever the case may be, whatever their excuse is.
Sara: Right? Yeah, I totally agree that we need to have those open and honest conversations with our kids on those hard topics. And it might feel uncomfortable, and we might not know how to guide those conversations exactly and age appropriately. But there are so many things out there to help us as parents. There are some really awesome books for age appropriate conversations with our kids. I know with my oldest, we've been talking about maturation a lot, and there are books from the American Girl Dolls that is very informative and we have been reading this book together with my oldest child. So, it's her and me and my husband, and we do it together. And one day she asked me, “Why does dad have to do this with us?” And I was like, “Because I want you to feel comfortable talking to him too.”
Jen: Well, I think it's important for dads to be a part of it. So that, first of all, that they feel comfortable talking to them about this topic with their daughters and the daughters are comfortable going to their dads. But we also don't know. I'm just thinking of someone in my life that had a very sheltered, grew up with four boys. He thought he knew what was happening with females. He really had no idea what was happening with females when he married. And so, yeah, I just think dads, it's so important if dad can be there with you, if you're married or single or whatever, if that dad can be with them just to know that it's OK to talk about this stuff with anybody.
Sara: Right. And I don't want to sound morbid, but you just never know what's going to happen in your life. And if mom's no longer in the picture, I know that my child has had these conversations with dad and hopefully will continue to feel comfortable talking to dad.
Jen: I mean, even with my stepdaughter, my husband's like, “Nope, you're going to talk to her about that stuff. If she has questions,” I'm like, “No, no, no. We're both going to be sitting there.” He's like, “But I don't like talking about that stuff. I'm not a girl.” I'm like, “It doesn't matter if you're a girl or not. She needs to know you're OK talking about the female body and what's going to happen with it.”
Sara: Right? Because the thing is, if our kids can't come to us as parents to talk to us, they're going to find this information somewhere else, whether it's online or from their friends or their friends’ families, whoever it is. We don't know what information they're teaching our children. And if it's information that aligns with our values in our home or if it's correct information, we don't know. But this information isn't going to go away. It's part of life to have our bodies change and to learn about sexual relations and those things that come as we age. And I know as parents, sometimes we feel like we're taking your child's innocence away, but they're going to learn this information from somebody, whether it's you or someone else will make it you and teach them what you want them to know.
Jen: And really, they're going to learn it sooner than you think.
Sara: Yeah, and it just keeps getting younger and younger, so.
Jen: I think, you know, talking about maturation, but also that hard topic of, you know, sexuality and what happens, and I asked that question all the time in parenting class of “what is sexuality?” and everyone just ducks their head and it's not let's not have eye contact with anybody because they think it's just about sex. And really, sexuality is a lot more than that. It's talking about your morals and your values. And yes, your body and proper terminology for your body, private body parts and you know your gender and your attractions. And all of those things come and fall under sexuality and they can be hard. I remember one lady talking about how this was really it was a professor, and she's like,” It was really hard for me to talk to my kids about this. Here's something I teach all the time. But to sit down and really do it with my family was hard,” and she's like, “We loved football. So, I gathered all my kids and we talked and I said, OK, we're in the locker room. We're talking about this. And it was all like, “Here we go together as a family, we're going to win” kind of a thing. And so, taking it something that makes it a little bit more comfortable and not necessarily relating it to football, but like that huddle that that teamwork of we're all going to do this together.
Sara: I love that. And it reminds me of a past episode that we had with Cassie, where she shared with Youth Mental Health First Aid that to just get in the car and go for a drive and have a conversation because your child feels less uncomfortable because they don't have to make eye contact. You're just having a conversation while you're driving and they're a little more willing to open up in those moments. So, there's a reminder.
Jen: Oh, and remember when you're talking about sexuality with your kids, make sure that you're doing it on a developmental level. You don't want to give your little ones all of the information, you want to gradually work your way up. It's not a one-time conversation. This is a conversation that's going to happen throughout the years, and you add a little bit more information every single time. And yes, that means the mechanics of sex as well when they get older. So, prepare yourself and know that this isn't a one-time thing, but make sure you're being developmentally appropriate as well. I also like to go by the rule of thumb if they if you give them some information and they're happy and that satisfies what they're looking for, then fine, stop there. But if they're asking you questions and it may be a little bit more than their developmental level, answer that question. Otherwise, they may go somewhere else and get that question answered.
Sara: Yeah, that reminds me of the episode with Hilary on body safety, and that was some advice that she gave was when your child asks you questions, they're asking because it's something that's happening around them that is making them curious. And so, if we brush it off and say, “Oh, you'll learn about that when you're older,” No, they're going to learn about it now, it's just not going to be from you because you didn't answer it. And so, when they ask those questions, answer them and ask them, “Does that make sense? Do you need more information? Did that clear up what you were wondering?” And if they continue to ask questions, you continue to answer them. But if it satisfies them, then you know, that was all they needed. And that's what makes the age appropriate is to just kind of follow their cues.
Jen: I think, Sara, we could have a whole episode on sexuality talking to your kids about sexuality?
Sara: Yes. All right. So another tip we have for you when it comes to parenting is to put down your phone. I know that that is something that we've heard time and time again, but it really does make all the difference. Even if you're just set a timer 20 minutes on Alexa and for 20 minutes, you're not going to touch your phone and you're going to be all in with your children. It can make such a difference in how they feel connected to you.
Jen: Absolutely. That phone sucks me in all the time, either playing a game or just scrolling. I'm really not even reading anything. I'm just looking at the stinkin pictures going by like, Is there something then? Is that interesting enough for me? And then you never realize an hour has gone by and you've just really just looked at nothing for an hour.
Sara: Right. But how many times do our children come and interrupt us while we're scrolling and we don't give them the attention they're needing?
Jen: I always think you wouldn't do that to a friend. You wouldn't just sit there on your phone scrolling through a friend, ignoring them. So really, we need to make sure we're treating our children like we would a friend for being as respectful as we would be with a friend,
Sara: For sure, I've been trying to set time aside for my phone. And so, when I'm sitting on my front porch, my kids know this is mom's phone time versus when I'm in the house. If they. Like, if I'm on my phone and they interrupt, it's OK, because this isn't that set aside time to be on my phone.
Jen: I was just watching. I can't remember what I was watching. It was something. And the girl was saying, “How did you ever live before phones?” Because in her mind, her whole life is updating her status and putting pictures on here. And I really thought to myself and I'm like, Oh, it was a lot easier for sure. Like, I didn't have to worry about the phone because the phone was connected to the wall, the pictures or anything else like that. So, it just seemed, if I think back, it seems a lot easier. Could I go back to that way? It would be super hard, but to grow up in that lifetime where you didn't have, you know, these really techie computers and phones. And like I said, these techie games because I was Atari, and it just is. I don't know. It was a simpler time.
Sara: For sure, I this is probably a tangent for a different day, but I honestly feel like phones have made us more like attention deficit. Like, I don't know how to sit down and watch TV without doing something else.
Jen: Stand in the grocery store line. I always got to pull out my phone as I'm waiting on line to look at something. Yeah, it's like I couldn't do this before I actually said hello to the people in front of me before.
Sara: Whoa. OK, so that's our tip to just set down your phones. Maybe set a timer so that you know that this is designated no phone time so that you can feel like you accomplished something.
Jen: Never want to make a sound like technology is a bad thing. It's a double-edged sword, and you just got to find your balance. Another great tip that I just it's hard for me, but I just love and I try to tell everyone. My niece just had her first baby and I just reminded her, you know, make sure that you're taking care of yourself first so that you can be the very best first mommy to that little baby. And I know she's on the other end of that phone, rolling her eyes going, Oh, give me a break because I'm like, sleep when that baby's sleeping, make sure that you know you are doing something for you. And I know she's like, OK, whatever. Everyone tells me that. But so important self-care. And I think more and more research is coming out and self-care is being talked more openly and honestly about how important it is for us as adults to take care of ourselves, both physically and mentally. And that is self-care.
Sara: As family educators, I don't think that we can ever talk too much about self-care because there will always be people that aren't taking that advice to work on self-care, and they're always going to be people that need more of it. So, it's never beating a dead horse with a stick. When it comes to self-care, we will always, always push for that.
Jen: If I could show everyone like a little video of themselves with self-care versus not self-care, I wish I could do that for everyone. This is what you look like when you get self-care, and this is what it looks like when you don't have self-care. I mean, I would love to do it for myself because yes, I talk about it a lot, and sometimes I'm really good at it, and sometimes I'm not really good at it. The times I have the hardest time is in the moment. Like when those stressful times throughout the day come, I'm like, I don't have time to take care of myself. I got to do this, this and this and this. So that's something that I really need to work on is in that moment when I'm stressed of doing something simple. If that's turning on some good music that helps me calm down or chewing on some gum or opening up the window in my office because the blinds are normally closed, just opening up and watching the trees below for a little bit. That's self-care, and that's going to rejuvenate me to do better. So, I think it's the big things and the little things that we need to make sure we're doing.
Sara: And self-care is one of those things where you kind of have to reevaluate because it might stop working. You know, like maybe you have something that really works for you, but eventually it kind of fades out and it doesn't work for you anymore, and you need to replace it with something else. So, it's just always something to talk about.
Jen: I just think about COVID and how I think I talked about doing the 5D paintings on one of our early podcasts and give me a 5D painting now, and I might throw out the window because I did so many of them. So, for right now, this time of my life, that's not going to work for me. Will I pick it up again? Probably, but I need a little bit of a break from it right now because I used it a lot.
Sara: Yeah, it's funny you say that because COVID affected my self-care as well, but because it got taken away from me and I had to find other things because I no longer had the self-care that I really enjoyed. Going to the gym because everything shut down. I do love going to the gym because it's an hour to myself. I don't have to talk to anybody or, you know, I can just put my headphones in and listen to a podcast and just do something for me. So, when it got shut down, it was hard.
Jen: I'm going to start giggling because I can't give it in. I saw a meme where this it said “I named my toilet gym. So every time someone asked me, ‘What did you do this morning?’ I could say ‘I went to the gym.”
Sara: That's terrible.
Jen: It's funny.
Sara: That is so funny.
Jen: I bet you there's lots of people out there laughing right now.
Sara: For sure, and my husband's probably going to name our toilet gym now. Oh, my goodness, that's funny. Well, on that note, another really important parenting tip is one of the hardest, honestly, especially if you have small children and newborn babies, and that is to get enough sleep. So, I understand there's a time in a season and sometimes it just isn't very practical because you have a child that's up half the night, but it really is such an important thing to get enough sleep. I think oftentimes as parents, we put our kids to bed and think I'm going to stay up for four more hours because I have the house all to myself and I'm just going to bask in the silence and I'm going to do what I want to do, and I'm going to eat a bowl of ice cream and not have to share a single bite with a tiny human. But ultimately, we know that we're going to only get five or six hours of sleep because our children are going to be up a few hours later and then we're going to feel tired and sluggish and be less patient with our children because we didn't get enough sleep. And it just sets us up for failure when we feel that way. And so, getting enough sleep going to bed, maybe only an hour after we put our kids to bed. We get that hour by ourselves. But then we go to bed and we get good sleep, and then we're more able to be there for our kids, be more patient. And we don't feel like we need that time away from them as much if we're taking care of ourselves and getting enough sleep.
Jen: I mean, that was another thing I told my niece, make sure you sleep when that baby's sleeping. So, I know that's something that people hear all the time. But when you are a brand-new mom and this is your first baby, sleep when that baby sleeps. Because it's so important so that you are taking care of yourself, that's self-care as well is sleep, but your brain is going to function ten times better if you have the proper amount of sleep. Other things can wait. We get so wrapped up in. I got to get the dishes done. I got a vacuum, I got to do the clothes or whatever. They'll still be there tomorrow. But you know what, if you don't get enough sleep, you may be really cranky and not the nicest mom. If you did it the night before.
Sara: Well, and just thinking about that episode last week with Madison, she talked about how many of us scroll our phones at night and really, what is that serving you? Other than you're losing sleep and you're going to be more ornery tomorrow, like put your phone away and go to sleep.
Jen: Listen instead of scrolling, listen to a nice meditation or some soft music. That's what I do, and it puts me right to sleep. All right. Another really great topic or tip for parents when it comes to their children, and I think for spouses as well is to have those nine meaningful touches a day. Dr. Dave had talked about them on his podcast that we did with him and touch is super important. It's one of the love languages. And so, kids need to know that they are loved, that they are wanted, that they are needed in this family and touches one of those ways you can do that.
Sara: I think sometimes it can feel kind of forced to touch our kids because I think about this often nine meaningful touches and thinking about how often do I touch my kids? And there are days that I could easily go the whole day, not touching my older kids. Now, my youngest is so loving and cuddly and always comes to me wanting to snuggle in the moment I walk in the house. She's so excited to see me and runs up and hugs me. And so, I do have to make more effort with my older kids. But even those little things of like a high five or fist bump, those count as those meaningful touches when we're doing it with intention, like, that's so awesome that you did that. High five, you know, that counts as a meaningful touch. And so just trying to incorporate those more into our home.
Jen: Yeah, I was in a class, and the mom said that she really had to work on this with one of her teens because any time saying she loved her or anything like that, it was like, “I don't want to hear that.” So, she would just in passing in a room, she was just passing her. She would make sure that she was passing her close enough to where it would just be a little shoulder touch or something like that. But it was a little shoulder touch. “I love you” and then she walked out of the room and she said that made such a huge difference because I wasn't putting like a spotlight on it, but it was a meaningful touch, a meaningful word. And it really worked for her and her teen.
Sara: I like that. I've tried like when I'm having conversations, one on one with my older girls, like putting my hand on their back as we're talking or on their arm or something, just making more connection with them because it's not as natural as they get older. I've found for myself at least.
Jen: Yeah. And it's not natural for some people between their spouses. But how important is that to have those meaningful touches between spouse holding a hand, a hand on the back, you know, whatever the case may be?
Sara: Yeah, it's something so small that sends this message to our brains of we're seeing.
Jen: Mm hmm. Well, something that I always like when I work with kids or even in my parenting classes, when I come up with rules for the class, I always leave one last one and that one last thing that is a rule is that we have fun. So, I think having fun within your family, having fun with your kids is an important tip as well of just spending that time to where it's not clean up your room, fold your laundry. Whatever the case may be, it is just fun out playing cards or outside playing on the swing set or going to the skateboard park with your teenager. Just having fun is really important.
Sara: Yeah, I totally agree because if you think about it, this is your life. Like, these kids aren't going away. You're locked in for at least 18 years until they're an adult and can make their own choices. So, enjoy it along the way. Even though that there's those moments that are so frustrating and hard, that's not every moment.
Jen: Make sure you're putting in some time setting some time aside to make those memories, not memories, in a phone or on a photograph, but those memories that lie within your memory that you can call upon any moment that just make you smile or bring a tear because it was just so funny or whatever the case may be. Because I think even with having fun, we want to take snapshots and things of that. That's great. But make sure you're also putting that phone down and creating those hard-wired memories within your brain.
Sara: Definitely. All right. Well, last but not least, our tip number 10 is don't feel like you have to do it all. So, we just gave you a list of 10 tips and you don't have to apply every single one of them. But if one resonated with you, then try to add it in and make a difference with just that one thing that can change how you’re parenting in your home.
Jen: I also think that you don't have to do it all. But I think also we have to stop and think I might be doing a lot of this already. And we just need to stop and recognize it. And yeah, I don't have to do all 10 of those things because I'm doing eight out of the 10. Pat yourself on the back. Good job for you. Alright, celebrate. Now look at the other two and say, “How can I incorporate that? Do I want to incorporate that?”
Sara: Right? Find what works for you. I think we oftentimes get bogged down thinking about all of the things we're not doing. But like Jen said, “Look at what you are doing, you're amazing and you're doing better than you think”.
Jen: Mm hmm.
Sara: Well, Jen, is there anything else?
Jen: I'm just thinking parenting is magical and parenting is tough. But you all are doing the best that you can do in this moment, in this time in your life, and just be proud of what you are accomplishing now because you're accomplishing so much more than you know.
Sara: There are like studies out there that even people on death row still think that they're a good person. And it's true we all still have good qualities, even if we've made some poor choices. And when it comes to parenting, those poor choices might happen often.
Jen: They may happen daily, they might happen weekly. You might happen hourly. Who knows? Depends on the day sometimes.
Sara: Right? It doesn't make you a bad parent, but sometimes we just need to reset and start over. Try again. There's a quote that I love that says “Courage is the little voice inside your head that says, I'll try again tomorrow.” And sometimes that needs to be applied when it comes to parenting.
Jen: I, this is my last thought. I just last week in parenting class, it was just be happy with your mistakes because mistakes means you're growing and you're changing. Instead of looking at them as a negative thing, try looking at them as a positive. And I really liked that.
Sara: Yeah, well, they talk about successful people. How many failures did they have to reach that success? We don't see that behind the scene reel. We just see the highlight reel. Yeah. Well, thank you guys so much for joining us today and hearing what we have to say of our top 10 parenting tips. We hope that you had something that you could take away and be able to apply in your home. If you have any questions, please email us Parents@TheFamilyPlaceUtah.org or you can send us a voice recording. If you have a question, it's super easy to do. It's in the show notes. There's a link that you click on and it will take you to the website for our podcast. And from there, you'll click on a thing that says Messages and you just record your message. It's so easy and it will send it directly to Jen and myself, and we would be able to answer your questions in a podcast, so it'd be pretty cool.
Jen: We would love it.
Sara: And you can also reach us on social media on Facebook. “Jen Daly - The Family Place” or “Sara Hendricks - The Family Place”. That's all that we have for you today. We'll catch you again next week on The Parent’s Place. Thanks again for listening. The Family Place is a non-profit organization in Logan, Utah, with a mission to strengthen families and protect children. We call ourselves starfish throwers. If you're unsure what that means, refer back to our introduction episode where we explain it. The good news is you can be a starfish thrower too by subscribing to The Parent’s Place podcast and liking our social media pages. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with others and help us get our message out to more people. Also, be sure to check the show notes for links to information referenced in this episode. That's all for now, but we'll catch you again next time on The Parent’s Place.
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