October is Substance Abuse awareness month! Matt comes and shares his story of resilience with overcoming his addiction. Matt shares the how his journey has changed and how they power of social connection was a pivotal part in his story. Come learn more of how support those who may be dealing with substances abuse or how to find help and hope yourself.
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Trigger Warning
Hey listeners, this episode contains discussions on sensitive topics that may be difficult to hear and may not be suitable for young ears. Check our show notes for more specific details of what is covered in this episode. Take care of yourself.
Jen: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast with Hilary and Jen.
Nicole: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast. I'm your co-host, Nicole, and we've got Jen here with us and we have a special guest, Matt, who's going to be sharing his story of resilience with us today. Matt, do you want to introduce yourself?
Matt: Hello, I'm happy to be here I am. My name is Matt. I grew up here in the valley, I currently work in a production environment and I have two kids. I have a little boy and a little girl. Who are the twinkle in my eye and keep me going throughout the days. Yeah. I’m the youngest of four and just here to share my story.
Nicole: That's awesome. Thanks, Matt.
Jen: I think this is a perfect time. This is just a story of resilience, of October, and that is just for prevention month and so. Hey, we'll turn it over to you, Matt, and let you Share your story and your resilience.
Matt: OK. So the story I was asked to share was my resilience and substance use. Once I started actually thinking about it and writing down my story, I never realized how difficult it can be to actually get out. To start off with where it all began. I started using substances when I was in high school. It was alcohol and marijuana. After that, I would honestly, I'd be lying if at the time I said I hated it or didn't like it. But. Then it was like the best thing I've come across in a long time. But to get back to that, you got to realize my setting at the time. So I was 18. I had just moved. Away from my home of. 16 years about. I have lost all my friends like the awkward high school stage, or whatever you want to call it, but at that time, It was me and. That's not it. I didn't hang out with too many people. And so when I went to school and found somebody that was nice to me. That opened up to me would be my friend and I latched on to that. At the time I didn't know the tail light of the dragon I just grabbed onto. But it would get me through the rest of my high school and college and up until now, I guess. The first part. So after I first started. The first drink I ever had was with this group of friends and it was the first time I'd hung out with people in a while. And they're like, hey, you want to come drink? We're having beers and Jager at my house. I was raised in a very. Strong Mormon family and I knew it wasn't what I knew it would make my mom devastated. But at the time I didn't care. I just wanted friends. And after that night, we had a great time the first time. But we definitely felt like crap. The hangover is something to fear. For your first time and not, it gets worse even as you keep going. So that's that was the first time and I could go on for hours about everything in between. But this craving for a party or craving to be accepted, or having friends and having those friends was through using substances. It continued for a good 10 years almost. After high school I was graduated. Every weekend, it wasn't what we were doing? It was, where's the party at? Who's bringing the beer or what are? We going to drink? There's a lot of good college friends and acquaintances I met during those times, but all of them were, none of them are around now. But it was still I was OK with it because I had friends. I had people in my life. Later on down the road. This was about six years after my first drink. I decided I wanted to experience the big city. So, I moved down to Salt Lake and going from small well to me, this is a small town to that I was just blown away. It was so fast-paced and so there's so much there. Like different lifestyles, different atmospheres, just everything. I wasn't in small little town anymore. Again, I was faced with that need or desire of having companionship and the way that I found that was through partying. But by this point I had already been drinking for years and had been smoking for years and. So it the parties would sometimes escalate to more than just that. At the time, when I first started it was great but that high, I didn't realize, I would still be craving that high that I'd get from those parties, even years later.
Nicole: So it sounds like you were really wanting like a social connection and then like going back to high school, you talked about like you, your upbringing was really religious and you mentioned that your mom would be heartbroken, right? How did, you did you keep that from your family? Like, is that something that you had a part of your life That you had to hide from them? Did they know about it? Yeah, just wondering about that.
Matt: Um, I did hide it. That's probably that was one of the hardest parts was. The guilt that I feel. Because, in some ways I was almost like I was two completely different people. Like I had, me, Matt, which my family and my friends from the past all knew. And then there was whatever nickname I had at the time where it was just night and day difference like to my parents I would. I was still and I don't want to say that using the substances made me a bad person, but the actions I was going through were bad. I guess, for lack of better words and so.
Nicole: Your judgement was impaired, right?
Matt: Yeah, I constantly felt guilty because I'd be. I don't like to say it out loud, but I would lie about my current circumstances or what I was doing just so I didn't have to get the third degree or the judgement from whoever was asking. And this goes both ways. Like I didn't want my party friends to know that I was a good little boy, I guess. And want my parents to know that I was dipping my toes and to a different lifestyle of that they never wanted me to come across. The guilt was it was hard. I still have it fully opened up about it to my mom and I don't think I don't know if I ever can or will. Just cause, I don't want to break her heart.
Nicole
I think that's something that a lot of teenagers and a lot of people who grown up past teenage hood can really relate to. Like I know I did things that my mom still doesn't know about, and you know like that's just you know, that's something that we really want to help with here. It is like having open communication with your kids and that kind of thing. So, I think that that's really relatable. Your story about, you know, having almost two separate lives, I think a lot of us do that at certain points in our life.
Jen: We think like what I think lots of people think that they're a bad person because of things that they've done. And I always like to tell people there's no bad people. We make bad decisions, but the person themselves is not bad.
Nicole: Right.
Jen: It's the behavior, and that can be changed or if they want to change it or not, but. People are inherently good. It's just the decisions we make.
Nicole: And behavior is just a communication, right? When you are communicating, you wanted social like you needed friends and. And so there's nothing bad.
Matt: That is one of the things that I definitely gained from all my trials is just a different outlook on life than. I like to say I'm not a judgmental person at all because I've seen both sides, so the fence. Everybody's got their own crap that they're sipping through. All you can do is be there for them if they need you.
Jen: You never know what's going on behind someone else's door.
Nicole: It’s true. So, take us back. We're in Salt Lake now. And you're experimenting with other things, is that correct?
Matt: Yes, so Salt Lake was the height of my substance use. But while I was in Salt Lake, I ended up with the partying came. And friends came girls also. And I met a wonderful young lady and we ended up having a child. she got pregnant and I wanted to be there and so we had a lot of hard discussions and tear filled nights, but at the end of it all decided we were going to make this. We're going to have a family. We were going to raise a beautiful little boy. So that decision, my son coming into my life, I knew I had to make some changes because I was struggling to look in the mirror at that time. And so I moved back here to the valley with his mom and her parents. With moving back to the valley, that was one of my first steps to, not sobriety, but being sober from substances. Because I removed myself from the atmosphere where I was able to obtain these substances. I knew I had to do it to be a father to be someone my son would look up to. So the partying stopped. My only substance at the time was alcohol, and I say only lightly. But in all reality. I look back and it had that was the like cornerstone to my abuse was drinking. They there's a quote like everything is OK in moderation and like alcohol. I don't think it's necessarily the devil's liquid, but I didn't know moderation. If I was going to crack open a bottle. I was going to drink until I fell asleep and sleeping was. And sleeping was one of the other aspects of this is. I've always had difficulty sleeping. And that was my way to sleep, but I wouldn't fall asleep. I'd pass out from being too drunk. Sadly, this went on through the first three years after having my son. I wasn't present. I wasn't there for him. Growing up really like I was there, but I wasn't mentally. I was physically there. The hardest part of my story begins around now. I was still looking for that high that I've experienced in Salt Lake and so I was drinking excessively, very excessively. Where I was at in life was I was very stressed. I had just gotten a promotion. I just had a kid. I just moved back and me and my partner ended up separating
Nicole: Wow, that’s a lot. That's a lot for anyone.
Matt: Yeah, it was. I still carry it today, but it's getting better. But I for the for the first time. In the past I had gone a week or two without drinking or I hadn't used a substance for like a month or so. Like it was always in increments, but I would go back to it. And at this point, I had the need it to become sober. I wanted to be there. To watch my son, grow up and. So, I was living on my own and at that time I was going through a 12 pack, an 18 pack a night, a bottle a night just to myself and. There's times where I'd have the option. I'd be given the option to see my son and I had ask for a different time because I was unable to watch my son more or less.
Nicole: So how old is he at this point like in your journey?
Matt: He is 6.
Nicole: So this was recently like.
Matt: Yeah. So it was about three years ago. I've been sober for four years now.
Jen: Good job almost four years.
Nicole: So he was about toddle age
Matt: Yeah
Nicole: And toddlers get into everything. So, sober you think, what is happening right now. Yeah. So, but I can imagine like that would be really hard for you to try and navigate that with drinking and and trying to watch a toddler. So you were. You were. Rescheduling a lot. It sounds like to see them. .
Matt: Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I would reschedule or there'd be times where I wouldn't even feel mentally well enough to. To watch him like I wanted to see him, but it wouldn't be fair for me to be. Falling over drunk. It wouldn't be fair to him to be with me at those times, I felt. And so things start to get better between getting the time, like getting time with my son. That's when the realization of, I had a problem kind of started kicking in more so I knew I had a problem in the past, but I would always go back to it, but this time it was. If I'm going to be a dad, I have to quit. And so I started holding myself accountable and tracking my drinking and realizing, actually how much I was going through. I had no idea besides the empty cartoons and cans that I was in the amount of money I was going through each month, how much I was actually drinking, but once I started to keep track of it. And there was one night where I thought I'd only had about a six pack, and it was more. I'd hit the cans for myself and it was like more than a 12 pack. Yeah, it was excessive. So that moment I realized that it wasn't fair to my son, I had to put my own. Want to be numb or desire to be numb or high? Aside so that I could be there for him. Be there. Not even for not necessarily even just for him, but just be there with him. Those three years that he was alive gave me more, have more happy memories than I do of the 10 years of partying. Yeah, it just wasn't worth it to me anymore.
Nicole: That's the amazing realization, like. That's truly amazing. Pat yourself on the back. Yeah, because that is amazing. Like to put your child's needs above your own need to, like, feel numb or, you know, obviously this is something that you were addicted to. And that's just really hard to break. But that's amazing that you were like tracking it and you know, like OK. This is a problem and having those. Hard conversations with yourself to do something you wanted to say.
Jen: Yeah, we do behaviors a. Lot of the time for that connection and wanting connection, but a lot of our choices that we make. Do the absolute opposite. I wish there was a way that it's like the sign comes up and says, hey, Jen, Ding Dong.
Nicole: It’s a bad idea
Jen: It's taking away the connection. You're gonna be all by yourself, but it's a life lesson that we have to learn sometimes.
Nicole: Well, that's kind of what I was thinking too like it sounds like the beginning of your story it was all about like wanting social connection, friendship and then like I'm wondering how those friendships actually work. Like, were they there for you? Were they good friends to you? Versus like your son, who, like, loves you. And maybe that's more fulfilling than like what was going on. And now you're getting more of that fullness. I don't know does that make sense to you?
Matt: It does. I definitely agree. I he was that. Good connection, not heartwarming connection. And that's kind of where every time I would go to a different scene I'd be craving is some sort of connection. And it was a healthy connection this time that I wanted to nurture and continue to just grow.
Nicole: That's awesome.
Jen: So with this decision of, I want to get sober for my son. Did you go into a 12 step program or? How did you decide? OK, I'm not going to do this anymore.
Matt: So there's the night that I had realized it and. Kind of looked in the mirror and confronted myself and. That next evening I had had my son. And the next morning I've been toying with the idea of getting sober, but it seemed too hard. And my first step was, I went to an AA meeting that next day. And as I was sitting there, there's so many times where at the beginning of this I had mentioned. I felt like I was a bad person. I felt guilty and sitting in that a meeting was just listening to others stories. And their trials, and I realize that I'm not a bad person. I'm not the only one. Like there were a dozen other people in that room that were struggling with addiction and not the same way. Maybe worse, maybe easier, but they were all struggling with it also and being able to hear that and realize that. And I knew I could do it. I knew I could become sober. And so for the first probably three weeks, to a month of it, I went to, at least in a meeting once a week, probably. 3-4 times a week for at times. Just being able. Because so when I would get off work was when I would want my first drink. That's when my first would start and the meeting I wouldn't be able to have a drink and make it to the meeting. And so that was kind of my motivation. Is if I am going to go to this, because I felt better, like after the first time of going like. I felt more full in my heart than I had in a long time.
Jen: Because there's true connections there, yeah. There's people who can empathize with. And this what connection is all about. Validation and empathy.
Matt: They actually care, yeah. And there's people you talk to they just kind of don't understand it or just have the Mormon mindset of ohh you're going to hell. but these people, random strangers were giving me their numbers. Just saying, here, hit me up if you feel like you're going to relapse or if you need to talk to anybody, just people, I never met. I didn't even know their names and they were there for me more than some of my friends or acquaintances that had been around in the last five years.
Nicole: Walking through those like walking in those shoes. Really helps be able to build that connection with another person who's walked that same path. I know like you know, things that I've gone through. Some people just don't understand like postpartum. You don't understand unless you've done it. Unless you've been through it and you walk through that hell. And I'm assuming same with substance abuse like needing people who have been through that and like can relate to, yeah, this is when I have a trigger like when I get off work. This is what I feel and like having that that true connection would be helpful. How did you find your AA meeting place?
Matt: Before, before this I had been kind of in and out of counseling. I had a mental health doctor that was aware of my struggles, that knows most of my story, and I had discussed it with her, and she actually gave me the resources. I believe the group I went to because they have different ones and she's like this or that one would be perfect for you. And so she had introduced me to it. So just Googling the time. Where to meet and just deciding to go, yeah.
Jen: I think that's the coolest thing because my husband goes to a meetings every once in a while. When he feels like he is needing it again. He just all. He has to do is Google and there will a time will pop up and it doesn't necessarily mean or goes to anyone that has a 12 step program because he loves the 12 steps. And so he'll go to narcotics anonymous, or he'll go to AA, or he'll go to all of these different types of things because for him and his addiction, that place is that safe place. That is the same every place he goes. They're talking about the same thing. They're all having the same troubles. And everybody is there to help each other.
Matt: The support, like people can say they know, but they aren't necessarily going to be a healthy person to share that with, and they will feed your addiction. But being there they support be whatever you felt was best for you.
Jen: Yeah, he used social media a lot too. Is joining those groups online or in in Facebook and whatnot. So when he was having those hard days, he could just say, hey, I'm having a hard day and then he'd have. You know 20-30 people saying, “Hey come on, we can do this. We can work together. How can I help you? It's a really close knit, strong community.
Matt: And that's probably that's like the best thing I felt like. In the first weeks just something to get your mind off of it. Like if you're reach having people reach out to you, then you're not going to be sitting there by yourself dwelling on. Gosh, I'm so thirsty right now. I should just crack a crack a beer. That'd be so easy. But it'd be too easy.
Jen: So you have four years under your belt. Almost.
Matt: Almost, yeah.
Jen: That's a huge accomplishment.
Matt: February 2020 was the. I had a drink in the last substance, was before my son was born.
Jen: So you haven't told you haven't explained everything to your mother. Did you have anyone else in your family that you found as a support? Or was it in keeping this separate from them?
Matt: So that's kind of a gray area. I feel like my family knew. But it was like the I don't know if this is the right term, but elephant in the room type deal like they knew, but nobody really talked about it and I didn't. I hadn't even told anybody that I was stopping drinking. I was going to quit drinking alcohol for like a week or so, and the first person I told was my mom. And being the wonderful mother she is, she was there for me as much as I needed her and I believe she also shared with my family my struggles and. Every everybody has people in their lives that I guess are good at like the emotional part of it, like support and then others that are just not so much. But my whole family decided, well, I don't know if they decided, but I just started feeling the love from them again that I had been pushing away for so long. All of them were there for me, The most helpful, helpful would was my brother. We still don't really ever talk about it, but I know I feel like he knew and he would make it a point to just reach out to me. To try and plan activities with me. Go going fishing was our thing and at first going fishing was hard because I wasn't going fishing. I was going to have a beer and cast the line, but he would actually reach out and say, hey, let's go do this and there's times where that was actually hard for me because I didn't feel up for going out. I'm like, no, I just want to be alone type deal and he was OK. He's like, alright, whatever, we'll I'll bug you again tomorrow then. And it's just the persistent. Like comments or connections that you try to make like it was never trying to make me feel guilty. It was never like condemning me, it was. How is just how, how can I help?
Nicole: That's I think. Like so important for us to have in our lives and to be for others. Just how can they help? Like what can they do? And the follow up like you're not just that person that appears on a text every once in a while. Like it sounds. Like your brother was pretty persistent in letting you feel his love. And yeah, that's really important for us to keep in. Mind with family members who are struggling or friends who are struggling to. You know, even if they say no. That, that's that day. You can follow up and invite them to something else another day, you know.
Matt: Please do, like, for my experience. If you have somebody going through a similar thing and you are being their support. Be there for them as much as they need you to be, but don't try and drag them down because they're already going through hell like. They don't need help getting weighed down.
Jen: Something that I've noticed throughout all of the stories of resilience is that support system, is so stink and important. And reaching out and really caring about people. And asking them they will do things and just being there sometimes just to listen. Super important. That we all need that connection. We want it, we need it. And people who are going through really hard that times need it just as much and there's that thought of tough love or you know what I'm going to. Kick you out of the house or whatever the case may be, we're not going to interact with you until you get your act straightened out. And really, that's not what they need. They need that connection. So when we isolate them or remove them from our lives. When it becomes more of a problem instead of. A motivation to have helped change. And I think that goes for lots of different scenarios.
Matt: Even if they haven't. Because there is. My family was there for me for the whole 10 years and but I just hadn't. I didn't care if I was sober or not. But they would still. Be there and just the consistent like love and support that you can give them. I never liked the tough luck part. My family would be there for me when I need it and the tough love I felt like could be almost negative. Like if I had a bad day and you said something that was considered tough love. That would bring me down more than. That would just make the spiral back down. Even easier. Even if I wasn't at times, I wasn't determined to be sober. My family would still be there for me and wish me their best. Just knowing that they were there to fall back on if I ever needed to, they'd be there to catch me. Made all the difference.
Nicole: A few episodes ago, we had a conversation with our clinical director, Reese, about shame and it goes right along with that. Like not adding insult to injury and, you know, not adding shame to an already really hard situation. I'm glad that your family didn’t. And I'm happy that you're here talking to us about like ways that we can help our family and friends and not adding shame. And guilt to an already excruciating, you know scenario. Is like it sounds like it's a huge part in being able to come back and say, hey, yeah, I do need help and they do need your support. Like if you if you didn't have that relationship with your family. How likely would you have been to come back to them and say hey, yeah, I really need support now, you know.
Matt: I wouldn't. Like if I got dogged once, then I probably would try to find something else. To either support me or make me feel better. And so yeah, definitely. Just even if they didn't agree with my choices. Just being there for me was the best they could do.
Nicole: I'm so glad you had that.
Matt: Me too, I honestly. Don't know where I'd be at this point in life.
Jen: Do you have any last advice? For families or parents. To help those that may be in their lives that are struggling with an addiction.
Matt: The biggest thing we just went over was just be there for them. However, they need you to be there. For people going through it or if you're trying to support somebody, just ideas. Finding a hobby. Was probably on a personal level, one of the biggest things I needed to do just staying busy. I remember the first night after first couple nights after deciding I wasn't going to drink anymore. I live in a little apartment and I just sat there and paced and talk to myself just to keep alcohol out of my mind. So I started picking up hobbies. I'd go fishing with my brother, actually fishing with my brother. I would. I picked up woodworking. I wasn't good at it, had the ugliest bench you've ever seen, but it got me busy for a week or two. And then one of the others. I would. I would say is avoiding or not necessarily, first you have to recognize your triggers. You had mentioned that and that was something that was actually huge with me. I couldn't even walk down the beer aisle because I would see. I would want it. So like even just hearing certain music or certain songs? From my past like it sounds. It might sound strange to you, but I would get like the chills and just almost a reminisce on the past. And that's not necessarily a bad thing if you can control it. If you're still struggling, still struggling to control your addiction. If you know your trigger is, avoid them right. One of the biggest ones, probably your social setting. If your friends are triggered to get you to have a good time with them or to party with them. Then you need to. Find a different scenery. This is one that I know, I'm not the best at, but I know it helps and. I know it can help others also is. Just being healthy and that sounds so generic, but when I was partying like I didn't, my calories were consumed with drinks. And so just I ate like I ate so much the first few months after quitting. And I actually gained like 20-30 pounds from it, but I didn't care. I felt better still and there's like the hand to mouth fixation of it. It was very difficult for me and eating gives you that same oral fixation felt. One I've been working on that is with being healthy also the one that I've been working on is is going to the gym. It sounds so miserable and I don't ever want to go.
Nicole: You and me both.
Matt: It's so hard. But afterwards you feel so much you feel. You feel great, like you may be sore. You may be stinky and just can't even lift your arms, but. You got a smile on your face still.
Nicole: Those endorphins. They are right. It does. It does give you endorphins.
Matt: It’s that natural High, I guess and. That you can get from it. So yeah, I highly recommend going to the gym. To go along would be if you are here, if you're trying to support somebody. You can't decide for them like they have. To choose and so. If they don't want to, then still just be there. But like you can't make that decision for him and. All you can do is be there and love them.
Nicole: And I just wanted to ask before we conclude like what does life look like today? How is your relationship with your son? What are some positives that you've noticed from being sober?
Matt: My mental my mental health is. Much better at some of the darkest times I could have, you could throw a dart at a board of mental health disorders, and I feel like I got that one. I got that one, but my mental health is tenfold better than it was. Went through some very dark times, but now I can wake up and not dread the day. I can spend the night with my son and actually retain the evening that we what we did that night and have memories from it. I'm still building my relationship with my son because when we were living together. I wasn't there mentally, I wasn't present. But now that I am. It's getting better every day. And what there's hope to make it better, like I don't feel that pit of dread.
Nicole: That's awesome. We're all imperfect, right? Like we're all working on relationships with our kids. Constantly it's ongoing and it should be honestly, I think.
Matt: Even still, I have days where I just want to. A rough day and I just want to fall back and like it'd. Be, but that'd be it'd be too. easy Like I've already gone through all this struggle and all these hard times. Why take the easy way back into it?
Nicole: It's a really awesome thought to, you know, have in the back of your mind, like I've come. I've come this far. I can do it and I'm going to continue doing it.
Matt: Yeah, you got to give yourself credit where credits due.
Jen: Well, Matt, thank you so much for coming and sharing your story with us. I really appreciate it. I learned so much from all of these stories of resilience. And it helps me to remember there are people going through hard things. You're not the only one. You're not special.
Nicole: You are special listeners, you are special.
Jen: Everyone has heard. But I appreciate you coming and sharing your story with us. I want to thank our listeners for coming today and listening. Hopefully you were able to learn something new and maybe help someone within your realm of relationships with what you heard today. I want to remind you to be. Kind to yourself but I think we need to also remember to be kind to others. I always say just kind. To yourself.
Nicole: Yeah, be kind to others.
Jen: But we need to be kind to others. So, thank you again and we will see you back here next week.
Thank you for listening to the Parents Place podcast. If you would like to reach us, you can at parents at thefamilyplaceutah.org or you can reach Jen on Facebook. Jen Daly -the Family Place. Please check out our show notes for any additional information. Our website is thefamilyplaceutah.org if you're interested in any of our upcoming virtual classes. We'd love to see you there.
Trigger Warning: Alcohol abuse, substance abuse.
Episode Notes and Resources:
1. https://youth.gov/feature-article/national-substance-abuse-prevention-month
2. https://www.samhsa.gov/blog/youth-substance-use-prevention-month
3. https://www.verywellmind.com/best-ways-to-quit-drinking-5080571
4. https://www.aa.org/find-aa
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