When we think about sports or athletics we picture a specific image in our mind. But those who participate in athletics don't need to fit a specific stigma. Emily Cook is a mental performance coach who works with athletes, teams, and those with disabilities to change the stigma behind mental health in athletics.
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Jen: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast with Hilary and Jen.
Hilary: Welcome to our podcast episode today, we're excited to have you guys and we have a special guest with us, that I am thrilled to spend some time with. Her name is Emily Cook, and I'm just going to turn the time over to her and let her tell a little bit about herself and a little bit about what she does in the helping field. So, Emily, I'll turn it over to you.
Emily: Thanks, Hilary. My name is Emily, and I am a mental performance consultant. Now what that is, is I help athletes or any type of performer on the mental side of their performance. Whether that's dealing with performance anxiety, coming up with like a preventive plan because at some point or another, we're going to face different trials in our performance. And what's great with what I do is I'm able to work with a wide variety of individuals, whether they're employees, they’re workers, musicians, athletes, and so it's really rewarding. I ended up getting my bachelor's at Utah State and then just recently completed my masters at the university.
Hilary: Awesome, perfect. I love this. And I think I mean, as our listeners know, and we've talked a lot about on this podcast. You know, our society is getting better at recognizing that we need to take care of ourselves, and we need to take care of our mental health. And I think we've seen there's been a few very prominent athletes that have come up and said, you know, I am not performing, I'm choosing not to participate in this event because of mental health. And when that happens, I'm like, yes! Power to the people! Like, this is what we need! We need people to recognize that it's not just about your physical health, because obviously with sports, that is a big emphasis, but also it's about your mental health, too. And so, I'm so proud of these athletes that have come out and said and made that decision to take some time off or choose not to participate in certain things because of that. But it's always interesting to me, too, because you always get the opposing side, and I've seen people that have given these athletes a backlash, too because of that. So, I love that we have professionals like yourself that are in the field helping individuals with that. So, OK, I got to dive in. I got lots of questions I want to ask you, but we're going to spend a little bit of time focusing on, you're going to spend some time focusing on, you know, individuals with disabilities. But I want to dive into just a little bit more about kind of this performance help. And so, do some of the things that you do to help our athletes when it comes to their mental health.
Emily: I will I first like what you mentioned, mental health is something that has a lot of stigma around it still. It's gotten way better from years past, and I love to see the difference that has happened over the years because I look back when I was a freshman doing my undergrad at Utah State and mental health had such a stigma surrounding it. And now it's more accepted. There are different days that are supporting it. But what I like to do with my first session with athletes is I like to explain to them of the difference in that physical and mental health, because a lot of the times the first time they see me, they think they're a failure for me. And so I explain that just like you would see regular coach to learn different tricks and skills in your performance, whether athlete, musician, whatever that is, you come to see me to learn different tricks and skills because your performance is just as much mental as it is physical. And I think people don't realize that when you're working, when you're an athlete, musician, there's more of a mental aspect that goes on than there is physical. And so, if you want to be the best performer you can be, it would be silly to not reach out to a mental performance consultant to get the proper help. And so, it's not your failure. It's more of you want to perform your best and be your best so, you're reaching out. And so, I like to help them see that so that they don't have as much stigma or feel bad about themselves when seeing me. But there's a wide variety of things that I do, some of it’s goal setting. Some of it's working on confidence, team building, working on your focus. And so, there's a wide variety. I kind of like to a lot of times people come to see me when a problem is occurring, so we address that issue. But then we come up with a preventative plan with what ifs because at one point or another, you're going to face a trial in your performance. I wish you didn’t. It'd be great if you could just like, perform perfectly, but that's not the case. And so, we learn different skills that, OK, if this happens during my performance, what tool can I use in order to help correct that? And another thing we work on, too, is just working on your mindset of like making a mistake doesn't mean that you're a failure because in today's society, a lot of us, you look on social media and it's very perfectionistic. You only see the good in people's life. And that's not a reality in society. You're going to have trials and errors and to realize to use those as learning opportunities instead of like small failures. And so also learning to just adjust the way you're viewing your performance when you're performing.
Jen: I remember for the life of me, I can't remember her name, the gymnast who decided not to compete.
Emily: Simone Biles.
Jen: Yes. And I think I had heard her say that when she was doing her routine, she couldn't feel her body in the space. And that was the big part of why, mentally, she couldn't feel herself there and she could really harm herself. So, being in a good mental state of mind is super important for anyone who's going to be doing these big athletic things. I mean, we don't want anyone to hurt themselves to where it's not reversible, to where it's a permanent injury, to where now this is a lifetime thing that they're going to have to deal with. So, mental awareness is super important, so thank you for what you do.
Emily: Thanks.
Hilary: And, you know, I'm glad that you brought up that obviously we're kind of focusing in on this sports realm, but just performance in general, whether that's musical performance, maybe it's public speaking, like you said, even catering to businesses and their needs because I think we've also started to see this in the music world. That we've had some artists that have decided that, you know, because of my mental health, I'm going to cut this tour or this concert or whatnot, like I'm not in a good place in order to do this. And I think about myself, I just playing the piano growing up, how I could practice and practice and practice and essentially perfect that song when I was sitting in my house playing it. But the second I got on that stage and like you said, I get in my head, and I would oftentimes slaughter the performance and then get so down on myself as to why I could do it perfect here and not here. And so, I do, I think, yeah, there's a lot of benefit for individuals to know that there is, there's help out there. There's helped for that. How does one go about finding a mental performance consultant in their area?
Emily: Yes. So, there's a lot of different individuals that have different practices. And so, there's it's called ASP. It's applied sport psychology. You can go to that and individuals that are certified, you can look to see who's in your area, and you can also look on Google. If you search it, you can typically find some as well. But since it's such a new field, it is typically difficult sometimes to find the right resources. And so a lot of the times individuals just go without it, which is so sad because if you leave these things untreated, it can result into bigger issues such as clinical depression or clinical anxiety, because it is important to address these issues sooner rather than later. So, I kind of work on that preventative side because I think sometimes people get confused with what I do versus what a therapist does. So, I'm more of like the preventative side before it becomes a clinical issue.
Jen: That's awesome, we're all about prevention at The Family Place. It goes unnoticed sometimes.
Emily: Yeah, 100 percent. That's why it's so important to watch out for those early warning signs and just kind of be in tune with your body and what's going on. But a lot of us have never like, emotions a lot of times, you know, the basic ones, but we don't really know the more in-depth ones. So, I'd encourage you to, I know there's like emotion wheels and so to kind of just become more in tune with what's going on with your body and what's your normal state versus what's not so normal? Are you starting to get less sleep because you're anxious? Are you not finding joy in a performance you once really liked? And so to dive into deep into that, so then, you know, kind of when you need to seek help.
Hilary: And so, Emily kind of speaking on behalf of that, that prevention component, would you encourage all athletes to have this as part of their training? When would you seek out this help? Should this just be a part of everyone’s, I mean, toolbox? Or do we wait until we notice maybe some of these signs of potential fatigue or burnout? What would you suggest?
Emily: I am someone who I believe that it should be incorporated. I wish all universities, high schools had this just because I think it's so valuable and important. Unfortunately, funds and mental health is something that gets pushed back. And so, with what mental performance consultants do is they try to create a nice plan and budget for you. Insurance does not accept what we do. They don't think it's an actual thing they need to cover. They think they can wait until it becomes a clinical issue. And so that's the hard part is you do have to pay out of pocket. Luckily, they have a lot of individuals I work with and myself. We try to make funds more reasonable for people to do. But it's hard because if you don't have the funds, a lot of the times people go without it.
Jen: I just find insurances interesting. We're going to spend more money on the other end than preventing the situation, so I'm interested in knowing what you do with individuals that have a disability.
Emily: So, it depends on the different type of disability they have. Let's say someone has gotten to the point where their issue is more clinical, whether they have an eating disorder, depression, anxiety. I've worked with the treatment team, so we have myself, a therapist, dietician, doctor, and we work together to help the athlete out. And then there's individuals that have like, they can't hear, they can't see. And so, it kind of depends on the different disability, but I make sure to adjust the way I have the session for them. What I like to do with each session is I don't like to just do one exact same thing because everyone learns differently. Some people have different disabilities, so they just need different things catered to them. And so, during my intake, I find out what different disabilities you might have and kind of talk because I think sometimes people don't realize hidden disabilities. They have so kind of talk to them about those as well. And then we come up with a plan whether we need to get other providers involved because this is kind of outside my expertise or if I need to just adjust the way that I'm having the session with them to better support them.
Hilary: Oh, I'm so glad that you do that because I think you're right. I mean, everyone is different, and every disability is different. And so, it requires that we create a specific plan based on their needs and what will best help them. Okay, so so I'm thinking of. So being a mother of a child with disabilities myself, what can I best do to help my child, who I'm thinking of her and I'm thinking she probably has some performance anxiety. She dances, she does music, and she has a really hard time being in front of people. And so, I know that that causes her some anxiety. So, if we have an individual, a child that has some disabilities and it has a little bit of this performance anxiety, what should we be doing to help them?
Emily: I think, I'm not a parent myself, but I have loved ones that are younger, whether they're nieces or nephews or just best friends that have kids, and I look at them and you want to protect them, you want to make sure that they don't get hurt, that nothing bad happens to them. And I think a big thing is to help push them outside their comfort zone, because when you have a child that has a disability, I think a lot of times you sometimes subconsciously say, OK, they will never be able to do this. And I think that's more harmful than good for them. Yes, they may have to do things differently than someone that doesn't have that disability, but their dreams, their goals, they can happen. It might look way different, but they can happen. And so I think it's really important to remember to continue to help push them outside of their comfort zone and don't just have them in this box of protection, which is easier said than done because you want, you love them and you want to protect them. And then to also help them reach those goals, whatever they may be and don’t, I sometimes think we say things that we don't actually mean but cause them to not go after their dreams because of what we said. And so they're like, Oh, my mom or whoever said that this is going to be harder or I can't do this, or I should kind of make things a little bit smaller and not dream as big. So, I'm not going to do it because they look up to you and what you say really matters to them. And so, I think it's important to be like, OK, I'm going to support whatever goal they have. It might look different, and I'll need to support them in different ways. But they're capable of doing it and I believe in them.
Hilary: You are speaking to my heart right now. Truly, what you just said is so powerful. I, so with my daughter, she ended up she was having some anxiety, more so dealing with school and school performance. But anyway, we ended up taking her to a therapist who is helping her just kind of with some basic skills. And I remember her therapist said just what you had just said there, but she said, you know, we were talking about comparisons and how it's easy to compare, how it's easy for me to compare my child, my children with each other. I have three other children without disabilities, and it's just, I think for any parent, it's normal for us to compare. And she said, you've got to understand that we're going to give her all of the skills to succeed in life and to do the best of her ability. Now you've got to understand that the best, her best is going to look different than her sibling’s best. But it's still going to be her best, whatever you decide that's going to be and whatever she decides that's going to be. And it totally like kind of expanded my mind set of she's not her siblings, she's not me, she's not her friends, but she still can do the very best, whatever we decide that is for her. And so then as parents being able to kind of assist through that process. And I've seen that with individuals as well, too, and I'm definitely a shielder. I'm definitely one of those people that's like my goal in life is to not see you get hurt, right? And I think we forget that we're doing such a disservice by doing that, although it's our natural tendency, it's our natural reaction to do so. Society wise, do you see, you know, again, this is another one of these areas I think we're getting better at or still not quite there as a society. So, is there anything to create a perfect world which we all want to do? Is there anything you would change as a society to make things easier, better for individuals with disabilities?
Emily: Yeah, I like you mentioned society has been doing better, but there's still so much more room for growth, and I think the biggest thing is to like, stop the stigma and judgment. I'm someone, I'm a fan of Dancing with the Stars, and this season there's two individuals that have disabilities. One individual can't hear and the other one struggles with MS, multiple scoliosis. And what happens is, since I'm a big fan, I follow them on social media, and I'll look at comments and people will say the rudest things to them. And they'll, sometimes they need different help in order to help them perform on the dance floor. And so, they'll be like, that's not fair for the other dancers. And I think the biggest thing is they need to realize that when you don't have a disability, your everyday activities you take for granted, you don't realize how easy they are for you. And so, when someone is getting help in order to do the same thing that you're doing, you need to not think they have an advantage over you because in all reality, they have a disadvantage that’s evening, the playing field. And another thing is, I think you need to remember to like, say things and do things that you would want to be treated to yourself because I think when we're heated in the moment, we say and do things that are so harmful. And then if that was done to you, you wouldn't appreciate it or like it. And so, I think that's the biggest thing is I'd love to see it's just people be more kind and realize that having disabilities is really hard and difficult and you need to stop judging and stop having so much stigma around it.
Hilary: Oh, so good. So, it's so kind of go along with that question. What can we, as individuals do to support? I mean, let's say that we're on a team, on a sports team with an individual with disabilities or we're a friend or we're a neighbor. What can we do to support them in this process, especially if they're dealing with some mental health issues in regard to performance? What can we do to kind of buoy them up?
Emily: Yeah, I think not just like letting it happen, like, say something, stand up for them if you see that happening . And I think that's a big thing and it's like when people see others standing up, then they kind of back down. The haters will back down and realize, OK, this isn't the nicest thing. And I think sometimes people are just not aware, educated how harmful their comments are. And so, if you are someone that wants to get involved more, maybe doing a run to help stop the stigma or doing different support groups to help with the community, to help better educate individuals that are just not aware of how harmful they are. And so that's my biggest thing is to just don't just sit there in silence and be like, oh my goodness, our world isn't getting any better. In all reality, you need to be doing something to help make the world a better place as well.
Jen: Yeah, it doesn't help if we don't get involved in it.
Emily: 100 percent. And I think people also like with lack of education, they don't always realize that. So, they're like, that's a terrible thing that's happening, but they won't stop the person in the moment and being like, Hey, you know, when you say that, it's really harmful. And so, it would be better like, please don't say that because it's hurting our teammates feelings or et cetera. And so, getting involved is very important.
Hilary: Which oftentimes is such a hard thing to do, I'm thinking of my son and and he has a very good friend that has some disabilities, and there's been times when he's had to stand up and he always tells me it was really scary, mom. And I'm like, I get it, child. It's scary as adults to do that. You know, it's scary to be the one that's willing to speak up. But I think it's so powerful for us to remember that usually, if we may be the first one to speak up, but we're not the only one that's feeling that way. Usually there's lots of other people that are feeling that same way. They just may be too fearful to be the first to say something about it. And so let us be the first, and you'll see that there are other people that will come and support us in that process. And it's just a tricky thing to do, though, something that even us, as adults need to keep working on being better at.
Emily: 100 percent. But like you said, there's kind of a chain of reaction. So once that one person does it, then more people will be like, OK, if they're able to do it, it's not so bad. I can do it. And then before you know it, you kind of have a community that's becoming more aware and standing up.
Jen: I have two nieces that were competitive ice skaters, and they have one that really was really just drawn to this little girl who had a lot of physical disabilities, but still really wanted to ice skate. And so, she worked with her and just encouraging her to go out there and do her best, and she got out there on the ice with her walker and just to see her smile and that huge like, I have done this and I can do this, is just an amazing thing. So just being able to, able and willing to step up and say something or even help them achieve their goals would be amazing.
Emily: I love how you talked about like having that smile and having fun, because I think as parents, we sometimes get competitive. I look back at my own mom and she's like a very competitive individual. And so, during the sporting competitions or even during choir concerts, if I didn't get in first place or second or third, it was kind of like, what? What happened? Like, why don't you do well? And she sometimes forgot. I mean, I love her, and it's a common mistake. But she forgot that it's important for kids to have fun while they're performing. That's the number one thing, because if they have this pressure, it's going to cause them to no longer enjoy the activity they once loved doing.
Hilary: So that I think that's a great way to lead us kind of into our final question, Emily, and that is, you know, if you could provide our listeners with maybe some main takeaways, whether we are an individual that that struggles with mental health in regards to performance or maybe we have a child that does or we know someone that does what would be your takeaways for the day and how we can best help you .
Emily: The first takeaway is, I think it's really important for when someone has a disability to make sure that they have other identities outside of their disability because I think it can become really easy in especially with society to be like, I'm the individual that can't see or I'm the individual that has an eating disorder. And that's kind of your identity when in all reality, you’re a friend, you're an employee, you're a musician. There's a whole bunch of different identities, but when you only have just one, it can really affect your self-worth and self-esteem. And so, it's really important if you are struggling with a disability to kind of do a check in and be like, OK, do I have other identities? And if you have a loved one that has a disability to kind of help them create different identities that they might not have? The next one is, I think, going back to kind of what I do versus what a therapist does, I think it's important for individuals to realize that there is people to help with your different needs. A lot of times we do wait until things become a disorder and, in our reality, like it's important to get the help you need when you're just struggling with your everyday anxiety with your performance, and that there is nothing wrong with that and that there's different providers for your needs because we just don't have the education. We don't always know it. So that would be the next one. And then my final thing is, would probably be to, when you first don't succeed, don't adapt your goals or dreams just because you weren't successful, especially when you are facing disability, it can be really easy to be like, OK, this didn't work the first five times. I need to just like, adapt my goal to that, and I think it's important to be like, OK, what caused these five things to not work out? OK, I'm going to use them as learning opportunities, and then I'm going to get back up and try again. And I'm not just going to lower my goal, I'm going to adjust what I need to do to reach those goals. So that would probably be the three takeaways for listeners to use.
Hilary: Awesome. I think those are such, that gives us kind of a well-rounded idea of how we can best help and completely agree with all of that. Emily, if you don't mind, I know that obviously all of our listeners aren't necessarily local here to Cache Valley, but a lot of them are. So, would you mind maybe sharing where people can get in touch with you if they do have maybe a child or even themselves that's struggling with performance? How can we get in touch with you to receive your help?
Emily: Yeah. So right now, the best way with COVID and everything and just starting off, I don't have an office, so I do a lot of my work virtually unless I'm working with teams. So, the best way to get a hold of me would probably be by phone, which can be at 702-787-1252 and also by email. My email is 3emilycook@gmail.com. And so those are the best ways to get a hold of me. And what's nice is since I don't accept insurance, I'm able to practice throughout the whole nation. And so, it's great to be able to help different performers in different states. And also, if you're someone who maybe is interested in seeing someone else or getting in touch with other people, you can reach out as well and I'd love to assist you in finding the right provider for you.
Jen: I think that you've shared a lot of great and important information with us today of just again working on taking away that stigma of getting some help and when we have either anxiety or depression or any mental health that's going to kind of a hinder us in trying to do some great and amazing things when in performance, and so I appreciate that from you. I want to thank all of our listeners that have joined us today. We hope that you have had your light bulb go off for some of the kids that you may work with or family members. We also hope that you can be one of the first people that do speak up and help stop some of the negative talk that can happen around kids that have disabilities or have other mental health issues. So be strong and stand up and always remember to be kind to yourself. And we will catch you back here next week. Thank you for listening to the Parents Place podcast. If you would like to reach us, you can at parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org or you can reach Jen on Facebook, Jen Daly - The Family Place. Please check out our show notes for any additional information. Our website is thefamilyplaceutah.org if you're interested in any of our upcoming virtual classes. We'd love to see you there.
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