If you could take a magic pill that helped you sleep better at night, decreased anxiety, stress, depression, and mental illness, all while helping you be happier, healthier, and more content, would you take it? Christina joins us to share what she's learned about gratitude and how it works like a magic pill.
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Jen: Hello and welcome to The Parents Place, a podcast put out by The Family Place for parents to develop skills that will strengthen families and provide tools that will help each of us in our parenting efforts. No matter our skills, we can always use reminders that help us work towards a safer, happier home. I'm your host, Jennifer Daly, the Education Director at The Family Place and my co-host is Sara Hendricks, a family educator at The Family Place. Every week, we will interview professionals that will provide valuable information that will make a difference when you apply it directly to your life. Thank you for joining us, now, let's get started with today's episode.
Sara: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast, I'm your host, Sarah Hendricks.
Jen: And I'm your co-host Jen Daly.
Sara: Today we have an amazing returning guest, were so excited to have her back. Her name is Christina Ledesma, and our last episode that we did with her was so wonderful and positive about finding joy in your children. And we have her back today to talk about gratitude, so it's just so fitting for Christina to talk on these positive things. So, Christina, would you like to give a little introduction of yourself?
Christina: Thank you so much for that wonderful and kind introduction, Sara. Again, my name is Christina Ledesma. It's going to be about three years now that I've had the privilege of working at The Family Place with such incredible and talented and knowledgeable people, so I feel really privileged to be here with you right now. So, thank you for having me on your show again.
Jen: I am so excited to have you here, Christina, I love having you come. We were talking off air that she just brings so much joy to our organization and I just her laugh, her giggle just makes me smile, and it's like that bright ray of sunshine that comes in. So, love to have you here and love that you're going to be talking about gratitude because I feel like this is something that is super important this time of year, but something that we should be doing all year long and something that I kind of really need right now. Because everyone says gratitude, being grateful brings happiness into your life, and I kind of need that right now.
Christina: So yes, well thank you, Jen. I just wanted to say a little bit about myself now, I didn't have the happiest childhood. And just reflecting on the program today and the topic that's going to be discussed gratitude, I had a really sad life, really sad childhood, and I saw people that were really happy and joyful, and I wanted that, I wanted to be joyful and happy. So, I think growing up without realizing it, it was a choice that I didn't know at the time, but it was a choice that I was making. And in learning about gratitude, I've been studying a little bit about gratitude and the last couple of months I read two books based on Dr. David Trams recommendation. I reached out to him and asked what books would be good on gratitude? And one of the things I learned is that gratitude is a choice, so what is gratitude? Gratitude is a felt sense of wonder, it's a thankfulness and an appreciation for life. And I think that's why, at the core of what I feel like, I am so grateful, I feel like I carry gratefulness in my bones. And the other thing that I learned about being grateful or having gratitude is that it's not an emotion that we see on our face and that really stuck out to me, because when you're grateful, it's not like the emotion of joy where you can see a smile or anger, where the eyebrows turn down or surprise, you know? In your surprise, you get that look in your face but with gratitude, gratitude is more inside of you. It comes from within because gratitude is not a feeling, because feelings come and go and they're not either right or wrong, they're not right around your feelings. But gratitude stays with you.
Why is gratitude important? Gratitude is important in our relationships and in our families because it increases, actually, happiness decreases depression, it increases anxiety. One of the talks that I heard from Dr. Dave Schram because he's a pretty prominent speaker here in Utah, said if you had a pill and that pill can help you sleep better at night, if it could decrease anxiety and stress, if it could decrease depression, mental illness and if you had the pill, that pill would be gratitude because gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions. It improves health, it helps you deal with adversity, and it helps build strong relationships and isn't that just amazing that in just gratitude and it reduces toxic emotions such as anger, resentment, envy? And it also helps enhance empathy, and it reduces aggression, so it really is like a magic pill if there is one. And so, it creates more pro-social manners and that's of course, what we want to see, not only in society, but in our own families. And that's something that that I also learned through learning more about gratitude is that my friend mentioned earlier, gratitude begins with us and that we're models for our children as parents, we model good behavior and good choices, and our children see that. And so, we're able to teach our children gratitude.
Sara: I'm somebody that could definitely use of gratitude pills, not because I'm like ungrateful, but it's easy to focus on the negative. You know what I mean? And so, I was just thinking yesterday we had to have a plumber come to our house because our outside faucets were dripping and turned off and still dripping. And with winter coming, it just doesn't feel like a good idea for that to be happening, plus, drought, right? We shouldn't be wasteful of water, so the plumber comes, and the problem is more significant than we had anticipated and he had to crawl through our crawl space in our house and fix it from the inside. Like it where the pipes connect inside our house? And he just fixed the one in the backyard, the one at the front of our house is on the verge, where it feels like it's headed in that direction. And if he has to fix that one, he'll have to like rip out drywall to get to those pipes and so it's like overwhelming and just fixing the one cost three hundred and fifty dollars, for this one! And there's still a possibility of him having to fix the other, so same price, plus additional expenses, right? Because drywall and I was so frustrated by that because my husband and I have this really big financial goal that we've been working towards. And it just seems like every month we get derailed with something, you know, we had, we put $6500 in our car last month and then a month before that we had to replace her hot water heater, like it's just one thing after another, like big expenses, not just the little things. And so, it's easy to get really frustrated and forget to be grateful and when I think about it, we could pay those bills like we're not charging that, you know, we had the money to pay it. And I'm so grateful for that that it wasn't this big added stress of where is this money going to come from for us to do that? Like, sure, it derails us from this big financial goal that we have but at the same time, we were able to take care of that without the stress of it. So, finding gratitude and just focusing on the good helps me to not be upset about the bad, you know?
Jen: I totally understand that there was a car repair I had to do, and I'm like, I had the money that I could pay for it. And I'm like, every time, every time I get enough money in my savings account or whatever to where I'm trying to be really good because I'm not the greatest saver. And I remember my dad saying, you just need to stop and be grateful that you're paying cash for this and you're not having to put this on a credit card or whatever. So, it's not that money is not going toward your bigger goal, but it's not putting you in the hole right to take you further away from that bigger goal and I think that is something to remember about gratitude. I have a hard time because I do, I end up focusing on that negative thing.
Christina: But that's the wonderful thing about having gratitude is it lets you look outside of yourself. It's looking beyond you because we're so focused on ourselves and the other thing that I learned about gratitude is that we want to fix others and love ourselves. You know, we want to fix everything else that's outside of us but gratitude helps us change that lens so that we're looking inward. We want to fix ourselves and love what's outside of us.
Jen: I really like that because if you're fixing yourself, you're going to exude more positivity, which in the long run does change people. It does help fix people, because people are drawn to you because you're happy and you're putting out positive vibes.
Christina: And I think that's what I saw when I was young, but I didn't know it, and I didn't know that that joy in life really came from this feeling of being grateful towards life and being grateful that we're here for a purpose and there's a reason why we're here. And so, gratitude is there are so many different dimensions to gratitude and we're I mean, when we talk about relationships, our own health, our own overall mental health, physical health, our well-being, in our jobs, in our families, with our friends. So, when we talk about gratitude, we're really talking about, yes, it's this big idea, but really, it's talking about how it impacts not just us as a person, but the people around us, like you said. So, I think that's what I found I find about gratitude is so beautiful and yes, we do need a lot more gratitude in our life. as. Especially, now that, you know, we just had Halloween and now Christmas, I walk into the store now it's all Christmas. You know what happened to Thanksgiving, right? But Thanksgiving should be all year round, not just this one little blip in the calendar that it's time to, you know, gather around with our families. But it really is something that will have not only short-term benefits, but long-term benefits.
Jen: Yeah and probably health benefits. I think the more we're happy or the more we're focusing on positive things, I mean, that's going to help our stress level go down. And so, it is a domino effect if we can focus on gratitude.
Christina: Yes. So, the two books I wanted to tell you ladies about the two books that I read were The Gratitude Project, how the science of thankfulness can rewire our brains for resilience, optimism and the greater good. And this was a book written in collaborative research scientists out of the Greater Good Center out of the University of California, Davis. And so, this is one of the books that Dr. David Schram recommended, and the other book that he recommended is Thanks, How Practicing Gratitude Can Make You Happier. And this book is actually written by Dr. Robert A. Emmons, E in S. and he's out of the University of California at Davis. And according to Dr. Schram, he's a leading researcher and scholar on the study of gratitude and from what I understand, he's written several books. He's also on the internet, he's on YouTube.
Jen: What a great job to research gratitude!
Christina: So, the other thing I learned, I learned a lot by reading these two books and listening to podcasts like Yours, shameless plug. I love it from YouTube videos and Facebook as well, because Dr. Schram was on a Facebook Live episode, he talked about, so, there's this new, I guess, area of psychology. It's called positive psychology because before psychology used to be focused on illness and disease, but like the last 20 years, there's more research, so there's a lot of scientific research that's being done on the effects of gratitude and how gratitude affects our life. I can probably go on about all the things I learned about gratitude, but one of the great things I learned about gratitude was the gratitude visit. Have you heard about that? The gratitude letter? Oh, it's beautiful, so you think about a person who had who's had a positive effect on your life and you sit down and you write them a letter? I'm old fashioned so I can sit down and write a letter, you can write an email and you tell them all the things that they affected your life, all the positive things. And then you either mail it to them or you call them, and you read it to them and the long-lasting benefits of that are like months.
Jen: Wow that sounds incredible, I really like the idea of writing it down and then calling and reading that to them. I mean, it would mean a lot, I mean that you're getting that. I don't know, I'm an auditory visual learner, I like to hear and see things. And so, it wouldn't mean a lot.
Sara: I think that I would like the hard copy to refer back to again and again. You know, I know for me, it's something said verbally, then I'll start replaying it and questioning is that what they said, you know, and so if it's written down, I have that to refer back to. But Christina, can you tell us how we can teach gratitude to our children?
Christina: That's a wonderful question, thank you for asking that, Sarah. Well, according to the book that I read, the gratitude project, how the science of thankfulness can rewire our brains for resilience, optimism in the greater good. The author writes, I think there's about seven points on how to teach your children gratitude and I think that thinking about what we do here at The Family Place with children and families, I think we're doing an amazing job of addressing some of these points that are in the book. One of the first points is help young children understand their own and others feelings and thoughts. And I think we do that very well through feelings camp and the other programs that we have at The Family Place, but helping young children understand and give words to their own feelings so that they grow up with a sense of knowing how they feel and that their feelings matter and then validate their feelings. So, helping young children understand their own and others' feelings and thoughts. Second point is remind older children of the adults in their lives that are there for them. And I think The Family Place does another amazing job of letting children and families know that that we are there for them. But as parents, letting our children know that we are there for them, that they have a trusted adult, that they can go to, that their loved and that they reflect on their own network of adults, caring adults around them. So, reminding children that other adults in their lives are really important, extended family members are really important.
Jen: I think that is important for teens because sometimes they feel like they're not important or we don't want to hear what they have to say. But letting them know it can be any trusted adult, it doesn't have to be us as parents, but they can have another adult that they trust and can turn to. It's super important to allow them to know that we're here, we want to listen, we care very much about you.
Christina: Yes, thank you, thank you, Jen. The third point is encourage your children to participate in gratitude rich activities. And when I read this, volunteering? So, letting your children know that that there are opportunities in the community to do something good for somebody else and to, you know, kind of get out of yourself and see how other people are living and how other people are doing. Encourage your children to participate in activities, take it one day at a time. Sometimes we get so stressed out and so worried about the future and what the future holds for us. But it's good to just enjoy today, I love that. Have you ever heard of today's a present live in the present today as a gift? Hmm. So, taking it one day at a time? And it also reminds me of we've been learning a lot about mindfulness in our jobs lately, being mindful that today's today, you know, to live in the present moment and to really relish our children. When we're with them and that it's so easy to let small moments go by without realizing that you know how important our children are really are to us and in our families. The other point is expected gratitude to develop bit by bit, so what I learned in this chapter is that gratitude takes practice and it takes time. So, when we think about children, young children, when they're little, when they're toddlers or young children under the age of seven, they're not really thinking about gratitude at that time. Right? Because it's all about me, but as parents, we can model that behavior and show them. So, children learn by playing so you can play with stuffed animals, so role modeling and playing with the children helps teach them about gratitude. And you know what I love? I love the three magic words, please, thank you and you're welcome. So, learning to use please and thank you and you're welcome in your home, it can be as simple as that. Saying thank you and they do something when you notice that they do something that's positive and that rewarding that good behavior that you want to see in your homes. So, expect gratitude to develop bit by bit, it's a skill and it takes time. And isn't that sound like children? When we're teaching our children something, it's going to take time and it's a skill that they learn, but they learn it from us. Be both proactive and reactive is a sixth one, and I love this one because it puts it back on us, parents. So, for example, when my husband fills up the gas tank in my car, oh, there's no greater gift. I just love it when he fills up my gas tank and because I'm not very good about filling up my gas tank, you know, it's kind of like Lucy, how far can I go giving the gas light that light? Yes, I'm terrible with that and so he gets when he drives my car and it's our car. But you know what, right? And he feels it up, oh, like, oh, thank you.
And usually my kids are in the car, so I make sure to say I. I love my husband for doing that, I'm so thankful that he filled up my gas tank. Reactive means that we are noticing when our children are doing something kind. For example, my two younger children, when they do something kind to another child, I take notice of that and I tell them, I said, I'll tell them, I really liked how you accompanied that child that, you know, took them by the hand or did something really kind, and you acknowledge that they did that. So, you want to reward that positive behavior, I know you talked about that before rewarding what you want to see. So, taking a moment to notice their acts of kindness. Seven is communicate the value of gratitude to your children and in this point, so my youngest daughter had a homework assignment and she was to write a war veteran, a thank you note for their service in the US military. And I helped her rewrite her note because she wanted to make sure that she wrote the grammar and punctuation correctly. So, I helped her rewrite it, and at the end of the line, the end I wrote with deep gratitude. So that was my way of showing her sign, her letter, and that, you know, I put that word gratitude in there so that she can start hearing it and start seeing it. And that's a nice way to sign off your letter, the deep gratitude. So being that model for your children, so if you want to raise grateful kids, the key is to recognize that gratitude is a skill and to help them practice it just like any other.
Jen: I really like that. I think there's been many times where I have tried the gratitude journal. I have tried an app with gratitude stuff and I'll go weeks not doing it and then I'm really angry and it's just this domino effect.
Christina: You know what really helps? What has really helped me, Jen, is that I've been to four funerals over the summer and when I don't want to sound morbid or anything. But when you think about some of the people that I went to their funeral, some were really young and then some were older people fighting illness. But boy, when you go to a funeral, it's a gift, because it reminds you of your own mortality. Right? In that we're not here for a long time, we're here for a very short time. But I remember just being outside and feeling the grass and seeing the sun and seeing the clouds in the sky and feeling my body just like trying to feel really alive and what that meant, to me. So almost you have to have I don't want to say a near-death experience or go to funerals but it helps to think about, you know, we're not going to live here for you. We only have a limited time here.
Jen: Yeah, I think I like that because it's just a little simple things of noticing things around you of nature and starting there. I think the bit by bit not only is for kids, but it's for us who are trying to practice and learn how to be more grateful and show gratitude. And I like that we can just I'm grateful for the Sun today and I'm warm and so little things starting with the little things and then we can work our way up bit by bit.
Christina: And I think that's wonderful, Jen, because it is a skill and it's something that we practice, just like any other school that we learn. It takes practice and it takes time and be patient with ourselves and have compassion for ourselves because we're so easy to have that negative self-talk in our in our heads. But it really does take that effort in that mindfulness to stop and realize that everything that we have in our life is a gift. So, if we come off with that view, that mindset, that what we're given is a gift. What we have is a gift, our children are gifts, our families, our gifts, our communities. We want better communities. That's why we're here, because we want to have a healthier, more vibrant community and to take notice of that because change really does begin with us. So, if we want to see that positive change in ourselves and our families, it really does begin with us and having that conscience effort that because remember, I said, gratitude is a choice. It's a choice that we choose to have in our lives and it is so easy to go down that path of like, oh, why me? Why this, right? But and I love how you said, because there's ways to practice gratitude, like I said, there is a skill and you can practice gratitude. There's a five-minute journaling app, and I have to admit, I don't do any of these. I don't do the app, I don't do the journaling because I feel like I have gratitude so deep in me and I'm so aware of being grateful and I feel like I take that moment. I know to take that moment that pause in life, in life, busyness and craziness, to be grateful. What we have for what I have and it does go back to my childhood and it also goes back to a near-death experience that I had where when you have those experiences, it really sets you on a different path of, okay? Do I say, oh, why me like pity party? Or do I really choose to say, you know, life is a gift and we're here for a reason, and I don't know what that reason is sometimes, but, you know, but we're here, we're here for a reason, and I want to make the most of it right because we only have one shot. You know, one shot at this life and to make the most of it, and yeah, it's that important gratitude.
Sara: Christina, I think that you are so incredible, you've mentioned before that you've had this hard childhood. And I would never know that unless you've told me, you know, because you're just like the most amazing, upbeat, positive person, and it's clear that gratitude is just like, in you.
Jen: It's part of you, well, Christina, we are so grateful. There we go here’s some gratitude. So grateful that you came and spent some time with us to talk about gratitude in the importance of it. And hopefully we can all take a little bit of something and try those bits to do a little bit better. I think I always need to remember and I this is why I say it, hopefully to remind others as well as to be kind with yourself as you are learning new skills because it does take practice and it doesn't come automatically. All right, well, we'll wrap up for today if you're wanting to reach Sarah or myself you can reach us by email at ParentsTheFamilyPlaceUtah.org, or you can reach us on social media on Facebook. Jen Daly - The Family Place or
Sara: Sara Hendricks - The Family Place.
Jen: We thank you so much for joining us and if you would like to receive parenting tips twice a week, text TFP at 33222. We hope that you have a wonderful week and that you are able to start seeing all the good and being grateful for that good around you. We'll see you back here next week.
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