Whether you're familiar with the 5 love languages or it's a brand new concept for you, this episode helps us understand its importance and revisit what it means to speak in our spouse's love language. Connect on a new level that reaches your partner in a new and meaningful way.
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Jen; Hello, and welcome to The Parent’s Place, a podcast put out by The Family Place for parents to develop skills that will strengthen families and provide tools that will help each of us in our parenting efforts. No matter our skills, we can always use reminders that help us work towards a safer, happier home. I'm your host, Jennifer Daly, the education director at the Family Place and my co-host is Sara Hendricks, a family educator at the Family Place. Every week, we will interview professionals that will provide valuable information that will make a difference when you apply it directly to your life. Thank you for joining us. Now, let's get started with today's episode.
Sara: Welcome back to the Parent’s Place Podcast. I'm your host, Sara Hendricks.
Jen: And I'm your co-host Jen Daly.
Sara: Since February is the month of love, what better time to talk about the five love languages? Whether this is your first introduction to this topic or you're an expert in understanding the meaning of the five love languages, this episode is for you. We will go over the meaning of each love language, talk about why it's important to understand them, and give ideas on how to speak in each of these languages. And we encourage you to stick around until the very end of this episode, where we will give a challenge to each of you to try to apply this week. I don't know if you're familiar with that, but with most of our episodes, we usually give a challenge. So if you're not sticking around to the very end, then you're missing out on that. So that's challenge number one: to stick around to the very end and hear what those other challenges will be. Challenge number two is to let us know how our episodes are affecting you. Hopefully, for the better, that it's making a difference. We love feedback. You're going to learn more about how that is a love language, and we probably love feedback almost as much as we love chocolate and caffeinated beverages. So send us an email. Let us know if these episodes, if any of them have resonated with you or made any kind of difference in your life. We would love to hear that. So jumping into the five love languages. Jen, let's first talk about the history of these five love languages. Where did this idea come from? And what are they?
Jen: Well, you and I both read the book “The Five Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman. He is a therapist, and he was seeing lots of people trying to help them within their marriages, being able to let their spouses know that they love them and how that looked, and what he realized was a lot of spouses were talking to their partners in a way that their partner was not receiving it. So he came up with these five love languages. They are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and then physical touch. And in that once he was able to put this into practice and have his clients practice this, he noticed that a lot of his clients were able to speak to their spouses in a way that their spouse understood and felt loved. So why is it important to understand them, Sarah?
Sara: Well, as you were saying, there is these five different love languages, and each of us have a primary language that even though these other love languages show love, we might not receive it the same as we would in our primary love language. And so in the book, he talks about how each of us have a love tank and we need to have that fueled and refilled. And so while one of these love languages might help us feel a little more loved, it's not fully filling our tank the way our primary love language would, and we naturally speak in the language that resonates the most with us. It's just easiest for us to, let's say words of affirmation is our love language that makes us feel the most loved. And so naturally, we want to share that love with other people and speak in that language. But that might not be the other person's love language, their primary language that makes them feel the most loved. And so by speaking in that love language of words of affirmation, sure, they recognize that that's showing love, but it's not filling their tank the way that they need it. And so we need to learn how to speak in these other languages so that that person is getting their tank filled all the way. If we flip that and think about it differently, if our primary love language, which is words of affirmation, but our spouse’s primary love language is physical touch, and that's how they're constantly showing us that they love us is through physical touch. But we're not getting those words of affirmation. We're not getting our tank filled entirely. And so, yeah, we feel that love through physical touch, but it's not fulfilling us the way that we need it. And so it goes both directions to be able to speak in these languages.
Jen: I kind of liked it in the book where he talks about, you know, all over the world, we have all these different languages, and if we had someone come from China and they were talking to us in Chinese and we're speaking to them in English, of course, neither one of us is going to understand the other person and isn't going to get what we need from that conversation. So that for me, I liked how that was kind of like a black and white kind of example.
Sara: Yeah, for sure, you might pick up bits and pieces of the conversation, but you're missing out on a lot because it's not in your primary language. So now we're going to go into the different types of love languages we've listed them, but we want to better define them and give examples.
Jen: So the first one is words of affirmation. So words of affirmation are those verbal compliments telling someone that they've done a good job, that they look nice, that build the person up. Those words of appreciation. And so that is words of affirmation.
Sara: You know, it's interesting because we do know that when it comes to the workplace, there are other ways of expressing love or appreciation. And so words of affirmation could be really important for some people, and acts of service might be more important for others. But as I was saying in the beginning, with that feedback, how we love feedback almost as much as chocolate and caffeinated beverages, this is one of those things, those words of affirmation that helps us know that this podcast is reaching people and making a difference. So when it comes to words of affirmation, what are some ideas and examples that we can give?
Jen: So verbal compliments as one. Then there's also verbal encouragement. So I know you can do this. I care about you. I'm with you in this problem. That's another way that you can do it. One thing that is really important with words of affirmation is making sure that you're paying attention to your tone of voice and that you're being genuine because we all know when someone's not being genuine with us, and that can be really hurtful in the long run.
Sara: Right? We definitely don't want to be condescending, especially when we know that this is somebody’s love language and then we're kind of turning it into a joke, that just makes it hurtful.
Jen: The other thing about words of affirmation that I think is super cool is that he reminds us that we need to say these kind things in front of our children, in front of our other family members, with the person there, or with the person not there. So it's important to make sure that we're letting other people know how we feel about our spouse or partner.
Sara: And by saying it in front of them to somebody else, they're overhearing that. But also to say it to somebody without your partner around, it's going to get back to them eventually, especially if we're doing this all of the time. So I want to give an example of how it matters speaking in your partner's love language. So when my husband and I had been married only a few years, I had decided I wanted to do this big gesture of words of affirmation for him. And this is not my primary love language, and it's not his ‘kay? But this is why it matters. So I took, I don't even remember, probably 100 Post-it Notes, and I wrote on every single Post-it note a different reason why I loved him. And I put these Post-it notes up on the wall in our house. And it spelled out the letters “I”, a big heart, and the letter “U”. So I love you, right, in these Post-it notes and he came home from work to find that waiting for him. And he appreciated it. And it sat on the wall for I don't even remember how long, and I don't remember who took it down. Probably me because I was tired of it being there. And I asked him if he had read all of them, and he's like, Yeah, I think so. Like, I'm just trying to be kind. But chances are he didn't actually read them because it didn't resonate with him, as this makes me feel loved that my wife did this for me. You know, like, he recognized the gesture and he appreciated it, but it didn't fill his love tank the way his primary love language would.
Jen: That's a great example. I've had that done for me many times throughout my life, and it it is nice and I do appreciate it. But it's like, OK, thank you.
Sara: OK, so the next love language is quality time. This is when we give our attention and focus on our partner, spend time together, do things together, and give them our undivided attention.
Jen: So I liked in the book his example or his kind of back story for this one of a newly dating couple and a married couple at a restaurant. And how we think just because we're at that restaurant, we're spending quality time with them. But if you look at the newly dating couple, what do you see? They're normally holding hands, they're talking with each other. They're giving each other a little googly eyes, whatever it may be, and just really being there in the moment with each other. And then you look at a married couple. And if I look at myself and my husband, it's he's on his phone, I'm on my phone and we're no really interacting with one another. So making sure that that is purposeful, meaningful interactions with one another, right?
Sara: As we learned last week with Kaleena, the importance of talk time and togetherness, it doesn't just mean being in the same space as each other, but it means actually having conversations and focusing on each other, giving each other our undivided attention, not staring at our phones while watching an episode on the television.
Jen: I think another , I can't remember who had said it, but years ago someone said, Treat your spouse like you would your friend. I think lots of times we give more attention to our friend. We wouldn't sit there and try to watch the news as we were talking to our friends. And so really treat them like you would your friends.
Sara: Definitely. One thing that the book said was recent research has indicated that the average individual listens for only 17 seconds before interrupting.
Jen: You know, you said that statistic before, and it just boggles my mind. 17 seconds! That's not very long before you check out.
Sara: Right. Or we're just so busy thinking about the next thing we're going to say, interrupt with our own thoughts and ideas.
Jen: Come up with a solution.
Sara: Right? So quality time matters and having those deep conversations matter. If that's somebody's love language, we need to be mindful of that and not interrupting every 17 seconds because that takes away from them feeling loved. So some ideas for fulfilling this for our partner, if this is their love language could be going on walks, sitting on the couch and talking with each other without the TV on. Go out to eat and actually look at each other like Jen was saying.
Jen: There's good apps out there too, for like couples of communicating with one another to where you just ask questions back and forth. I think I've even seen like a commercial. It's probably on Facebook. An ad to where it's like a couple’s game, and that would be a great way to learn about each other, but also have that quality time with one another.
Sara: Yeah, my husband actually got me a game for Christmas. That's just a two person game, and it is a it's like a dating game. I can't even remember what it's called. We've only played it once so far, but it was a lot of fun and interesting and different, something new to try, but we were spending quality time together uninterrupted. Our children had gone to bed, so it was a good time.
Jen: The next love language is receiving gifts. So receiving gifts. We think about this and we just hear dollar signs, I'm sure going off in our heads. Yes, sometimes they can cost some money, but they don't always have to cost money. And so this is giving them a physical, tangible thing.
Sara: A gift is something you can hold in your hands and say, Look, he was thinking of me or she remembered me, in order to give a gift, you have to be thinking of that person because when you find whatever the item is, that person crosses your mind. And so the person, if this is their love language, receiving that gift means so much to them because they know that, they know that they crossed that person's mind at some point in order for them to pick up that gift and want to give it to them.
Jen: This is not my primary language, but it's my secondary language, I guess you would say, and I know that I've told my husband many times, Don't spend money on flowers. Do I love them? Yes. And they're beautiful for about a week until they die. And then I think about how much money he's spent on them. So one year he worked with this girl that would make fabric flowers. And so for my birthday, he had her make me a dozen fabric flowers. So I still have them, they’re in my office. And every time I see them, they just make me smile. Because not only are they a thoughtful gift that he really thought about it, but they're also in my favorite color blue. And so, yeah, there was a lot of thought that went into that gift, and I loved it.
Sara
Yeah, that's really sweet. For me, receiving gifts is the bottom of the totem pole as far as speaking in my love language. It just doesn't come across for me. I don't know why, but my husband has done some of the most thoughtful gifts. That should mean so much to me, and they don't. And not that I'm saying that that's not OK for him to do those things. For me, it just doesn't speak in my language and fill my tank.
Jen: So other ideas of giving gifts without having to spend money could be a quick note. A love note, you were on a walk, and don't tell your neighbor you picked the flower, but you saw a flower and you liked it and you thought of them. And that could be the gift that you give. I think it just needs to be a genuine act and really meaningful for that person because as much as I like gifts, I hate it when it's just a generic gift like I need to check the box that I got you a gift that drives me absolutely nuts. I want some thought behind it.
Sara: Right? Well, how we were talking about words of affirmation and saying things that might be condescending or making fun of that love language. It's the same with receiving gifts where you're just checking that box. It's not filling your love tank the way that you need it to because it doesn't feel genuine. It feels like everybody else got the same exact gift. So it wasn't that my name crossed your mind when you picked this gift out, you know? And so having it relate specifically to you matters.
Jen: I think with gifts, you just need to remember that yes, they can be those expensive gifts if you can afford them. We never want to encourage anyone to go into debt for these gifts, and I'm sure your spouse does not want to either. But yes, they can range from that. And then that can range just from a note or a mint on the pillow or whatever creative ideas you can come up with for giving that person a gift.
Sara: Right. So it's just important to keep in mind that gifts are a visual symbol of your love for that person. So the fourth love language is acts of service. So this is doing things that you know your spouse would like you to do.
Jen: And I'm sure all of us ladies have a list that we can spout off, right?
Sara: Right. Well, that's what I often think of with acts of services is chores, household chores that need to be done. But ultimately, it's just seeking ways to please our partner by serving them. So it's not just chores, it's lots of things.
Jen: For me, it could just be like if you go out to eat and you have a bag that comes with your food, just throwing away your bag of food when you're done. For me, that would be a wonderful act of service.
Sara: Definitely. It could be that there's something that dropped to the floor and instead of stepping over that and walking on to whatever you were headed to do, you stop and for a moment pick that up because that's something off of her plate or his, I guess, where they don't have to do that because you served them and did it for them.
Jen: One thing that I really liked that my husband has done every once in a while is when I have a really long workday and I've worked 10-12 hours and I just come home and I have an hour commute in there as well that I'll just come home and I'll go into the bedroom and the bed is all freshly made because I'm one of those bad people that don't make my bed in the morning. But it's freshly made, and I know that underneath that comforter, there are some clean sheets. That is my most favorite thing. And he's done that for me several times because he knows my favorite thing to do is to sleep in clean sheets. And so when he's done all of that work, that speaks volumes to me.
Sara: Definitely, freshly cleaned sheets. That is like a little slice of heaven swaddled up in cloud candy. And when they're fresh out of the dryer, not from the linen closet. Even better, nothing tops it. And so other acts of service ideas could be cooking a meal, setting the table, washing the dishes, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, could be changing a diaper, or getting kids dressed or buckled in the car, even paying the bills, walking the dog, or washing the car. These are all just some ideas of how you can serve your partner. If this is their love language.
Jen: Or if you're driving the car and you go to get gas and you fill the tank and let them just sit in the car, that is another great service.
Sara: Yes, that is one of my favorite things that my husband does. Also opening the car door that is an act of service or opening any door as you're walking into a building. These are all acts of service.
Jen: Especially on those cold days when you just put a run in.
Sara: Yes, and keep your hands in your pockets to stay warm.
Jen: All right. Our last love language is physical touch. Now, this is, of course, it's right there in the name. Any time someone is physically touching another person. I think when we hear this one, our minds automatically go to intercourse and that's not the case at all. There's lots of different touches. This is my primary language. And so there's lots of ways. I remember back when I was single and I was at the Olive Garden and I was ordering my food and the waiter, he asked me one last thing. But when he asked me, he put his hand on my back. And it wasn't a flirty thing or anything like that. It was just. Oh, and by the way, and he put his hand on my back and I answered his question. And then I started to cry as he left and my sister's like, What the heck is wrong with you? But it had been so long that a male had touched me in that way that it was a little overwhelming and just reminded me how important that touch is.
Sara: Yeah, for sure. When it's your primary love language, you need to receive it in all different kinds of ways, not just what happens in the bedroom. One thing that I found really interesting from the book is it talked about how physical touch is the only one of our five senses that isn't limited to one area of the body. And so when we think about our five senses, our sight is limited to our eyes, our hearing is limited to our ears, taste to your mouth, smell to your nose. But when it comes to touch, it is your entire body that feels and so you're not limited to one part of your body. And so that really opened up my mind to what physical touch means, because there are so many different types of gestures that you can do to help somebody feel loved. And something that I found really interesting is that it said when it comes to physical touch, it's the easiest way to communicate either love or hate in the way that we touch. It can be loving gestures or hateful gestures that hurt our bodies physically, and it talked about children. And I don't want to go off on a spanking tangent because I'm sure that we will do a spanking episode. But what was really interesting is when we think of our children, if their primary love language, the thing that makes them feel the most loved is physical touch, and we're using physical touch to hurt their bodies by spanking them. That's sending a very big message to them and how valued they are, how loved they are, because when they feel the most loved is through hugging and giving them that touch. But then we're also using touch to hurt them. That's sending a big message to them.
Jen: So some examples of physical touch could be holding your hand like that guy. He just put his hand on the back of my shoulder. One thing I love that my husband will do every once in a while is run his fingers through my hair. For me, running my fingers through his beard is very comforting for me, but it's also him allowing me to do that lets me know that he's there in the moment. There's that physical touch and my love tank is getting filled. And by the way, he is a very good groomer of his beard, so it's not gross.
Sara: Yeah. I remember once when my husband and I were dating, I was at his parents' house and I was actually cleaning the kitchen and I was standing at the sink, rinsing off some dishes, and he came up behind me and put his arms around me. And I remember in that moment thinking, I hope that this happens the rest of my life that while I'm doing the dishes, he comes up to me and puts his arms around me. It meant so much to me that it's something that I still remember. It's still very present in my mind because physical touch is my love language. That's what makes me feel the most loved are those small little gestures of him saying, I see you and I'm here and I want to be close to you.
Jen: I feel like it's also like you said, I'm here, I see you, I want to be with you, and I want to touch you. For me, it's also an assurance that he finds me attractive or whatnot.
Sara: Yeah, I agree. One thing that I think we also need to remember is just like when we mentioned with words of affirmation and receiving gifts, this is another one that you could make a joke of and make it hurtful, not in the way that we're physically hurting them, but making a joke out of the types of touching and so tickling might not be received in a loving way. We might think that we're showing love by tickling, but if that's something that bothers the other person, they don't enjoy being tickled that can trigger these really annoying responses in our mind and in our bodies that turn us away from that, receiving that touch as filling our love tank. Same with if we're playfully smacking them or, you know, those kinds of things that are just triggering in our minds that this isn't attractive, it’s annoying.
Jen: Those little teasing touches that get obnoxious. Yeah, I think the big takeaway from all of these love languages is really to make sure that we are being genuine with each one of them. That's what's going to fill that love tank. If we're not genuine, it's going to take out from that love tank. And it's really doing the opposite of what we're wanting to do. So make sure that you're being genuine in all your acts of love.
Sara: Yeah. And that's why it's important to understand our partner’s love language so that we can be speaking in their primary language and helping fill up their tank entirely and not leaving it sitting on empty or close to empty. Because we think that we're speaking love to them all the time, but they're not receiving it the same way that we would if somebody was speaking in our primary love language.
Jen: Today, I was just reading over some information about kindness and how that really works when you're doing that act of kindness or speaking someone's love language. It's not just affecting them. You're actually being able to affect three people out. So three degrees out, so that spouse that you're being kind to and speaking their love language, that's going to put them in a space to where they're going to be kind to the next person. And it goes three degrees out that way. So it's it's this domino effect that if we speak in people's lov language, we treat people with kindness. It's a domino effect, and I think that is really amazing.
Sara: Yeah, definitely. It's like contagious when somebody feels happy and are genuinely showing that gratitude. You feel the same way versus when somebody is complaining constantly. You're seeing the negative side to things and feeling those complaints as well. So before we close up this episode, let's speak to this idea of I mean, we know that most often in marriages, the couples do not have the same primary love language. Right? We both speak a different love language. So how do we handle it if our spouse’s primary love language is difficult for us to speak?
Jen: So I think the important thing with this one is we need to remember or understand our partner or spouse's history. So is there abuse or trauma in their history to where this is going to make it hard for them to be able to receive or express? And so I think if we're really wanting to speak in our spouse's love language that we take small little steps if it's hard for us. So it may be that there was maybe some physical abuse in a person's life. And so that physical touch is not one that they want to receive or give, but it's their spouse’s primary love language. So start out with something small. It might be just holding a hand. It might be a fist bump. In the beginning, it might be a high five, something really small to where you can feel that success and that safety within that touch to where then maybe you could add a little bit more to that. I think words of affirmation is another one that you kind of have to be careful with because of the fact that words could have been used to hurt them in their in past relationships. So again, just trying little things, baby steps.
Sara: Right, I agree. One thing that I also think is important to recognize is that all of these love languages can be learned. And so it doesn't mean that we know exactly what to do and speak in these languages, but we can learn how to speak in these languages. So like Jen was saying, just start small and simple, and with that physical touch example, maybe it is a high five or holding hands. And then from there we feel more comfortable because we've been doing that for a while that maybe when we're standing next to each other or having a conversation, you feel comfortable putting your hand on their shoulder or on their back. And you know, you just progress and open up and broaden your comfort zone. And another thing that I think is really important is adopting this idea of putting your spouse first and putting their needs above your own. And so it might be hard and uncomfortable and awkward to speak in their love language. But if we have this perspective of wanting to please them and make them feel loved and happy, then we're going to set aside those discomforts to speak in their love language and take those baby steps to really help them feel loved.
Jen: And I think if a person does have some serious reservations about this, they've had some serious trauma in their life that work with a therapist to work with them, to know how to take those baby steps because we don't want to force anyone to go out of that comfort zone if they don't feel comfortable and they don't have the support that they need.
Sara: For sure. We know that trauma can run deep and so many things can be a trigger, and we might not even understand where that trigger is connected to trauma. And so sometimes it does take talking to a counselor or a therapist to help us work through some of this.
Jen: In closing, I want to give you all a challenge. You can go online and take the Five Love Languages quiz, and we will put that link in our show notes. So that is one challenge. Another one is if you are new to this concept, I would encourage you to try at least once a day to speak in your spouse's love language. Also, if you're a pro, try mixing it up and do something different and intentional in your partner's love language to let them know you love them. So these are your challenges for this week to try out and hopefully have some success with. The more things that we try, the more success we have, and the more it will become natural for us. So we want to thank you for joining us today on the Parents Place Podcast. We would love, love, love to hear from you. If you can reach out and send us an email, you can reach us at parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org or on Facebook. You can reach both Sarah and I. Sara Hendricks - the Family Place. Or Jen Daly - the Family Place. Again thanks for joining us and we hope to have you with us next week.
Sara: Thanks again for listening. The Family Place is a non-profit organization in Logan, Utah, with a mission to strengthen families and protect children. We call ourselves starfish throwers. If you're unsure what that means, refer back to our introduction episode where we explain it. The good news is you can be a starfish thrower too by subscribing to the Parent’s Place Podcast and liking our social media pages. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with others and help us get our message out to more people. Also, be sure to check the show notes for links to information referenced in this episode. That's all for now, but we'll catch you again next time on the Parent’s Place.
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