Welcome to our first Story of Resilience! Jen and Hilary talk with our guest Kayla about her resiliency through an unhealthy marriage and the recovery from that relationship. If you know someone, or think you might be in an unhealthy relationship, we have resources listed below.
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Hilary: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast, I'm Hilary
Jen: And I’m Jen
Hilary: And we are excited to have you guys with us today. We I am thrilled today because we have a special guest, as we told you a few episodes earlier. We are creating a new format for our podcast, and we're starting a segment that we call Stories of Resiliency because that is something that we talk a lot about at the Family Place and on this podcast is resiliency and how important it is in our lives. And so, we have Kayla here today. We're so grateful that she's here, but she's going to share a little bit about her story and kind of that process of resiliency for her. So, I'm going to turn it over to you, my dear, and tell us a little bit about you and about why you’re here.
Kayla: OK, my name is Kayla, and my story is about, I guess, being resilient in a tough marriage. I was married for over six years, just over six years, and it was not a healthy relationship and it was really scary and really hard. And now looking back, I learned a lot from it. And, I am now, luckily gratefully I'm remarried and I have an awesome husband and we have a little baby. And I, I don't know, I'm grateful for what I went through because I learned a lot. But it was really hard.
Hilary: I can only imagine. OK, so I know there's probably a lot of details, some of which you want to share. Maybe, obviously a lot that you may not want to share, which is completely OK. It's your story and you get to decide what you want to share. So, tell us, let's maybe start this. Tell us about, maybe help us to compare how this first marriage was different than your current marriage and also how you grew up and seeing that interaction with your own parents.
Kayla: Yeah, so it was really apparent within the first month of my first marriage. Things weren't good and I was very confused because I didn't know who this person was. I felt like I kind of got tricked into things. But so, then that was really weird within the first month realizing that. But luckily, I grew up in a really very loving home and I was accepted.
Hilary: So, you bring up a great point, Kayla, because you mention that you had that period of time that was a little bit of an adjustment from being single versus being married, which obviously I think we all experience when we enter that realm. But you also brought up how he somewhat changed to a completely different person. So, so tell us a little bit more about that. Maybe that's because I'm assuming that there are some listeners out there that are thinking, Yeah, I'm in that very same boat where I thought that they were one person, and now they're not. Can you tell us a little bit more about that?
Kayla: Yeah, sure. So, it was just shocking. I just like I said, I felt like I didn't know who this person was. He had treated me so differently when we were dating, when we were engaged, and even like my family was very supportive of us getting married. And they were like, Wow, he treats you so good. But within that first month of being married, it was completely different. There was a lot of yelling and there was a lot of controlling and manipulation. And I just was like, “Who are you? This is not the person I fell in love with”. And it was really scary because I just I felt very unsafe. And before then, I had felt comfortable with him. I felt like, Oh, I'm marrying someone who I feel safe with who I can be myself with. But once we got married, I just felt totally opposite. It was really scary.
Hilary: Yeah, somebody I've heard somebody make the comparison that it's almost a lot of times with dating, I think we all do it. It's natural to do. We walk into a dating situation, putting our best foot forward, right? We want to show our best self, which unfortunately isn't always our true self. And so, somebody shared that it's kind of like the Facebook profile versus the reality, right?
Jen: Oh my, that is a great comparison!
Hilary: Most of us don't put bad pictures of ourselves on Facebook. Putting all the good ones right. We're going through all of our camera roll to find the perfect picture. And so, I think sometimes we do that with dating and probably entering those initial stages of marriage that we're still kind of putting on that face. And when we get a little bit more relaxed, then the Facebook profile starts to disappear to an extent, and we see who that person really is.
Jen: Yes. Yeah, but that was you. It was really quick for you to see a difference. And so, yeah, I remember when I was first married, you know you, I tolerated a lot more. And but then when you do get comfortable, you're like, Hey, nay nay, you can't do that. But when it is like night and day, that's got to be hard and a bit scary.
Hilary: Well, yeah. And you bring up the point that, I mean, I think we all have to deal with pet peeves and minor inconveniences and things that are different than what we were used to. But you're talking about how you are fearful for your own safety. So, I think that that's sort of the big difference. Yeah, I may not love the way that my husband puts the toilet paper roll on, but that's a minor inconvenience that we can overcome. But it's different when you're fearful and, you know, in that home with them.
Jen: And no one deserves that! So, during this time, like what helped get you through that process? Just maybe your thoughts or beliefs or practices, whatever helps you keep you going.
Kayla: Yeah, that's, that's a good question, I I feel like my faith definitely helped me just because I grew up and learned from a really young age that I was special. I was important and I mattered and I deserved happiness. So at least kind of had that in the back of my head like I should, I should be being treated better than what I am being treated. And I think that helped because regardless of what words were said or mean, things were said. Nasty things were said. I was I had that belief and I knew that to be true, that I mattered. And I'm still important regardless of what maybe someone was telling me or how I was being treated in my marriage. And I think to having a good support system, my family, they didn't really know a lot of what was going on, but I would definitely escape like I would go hang out with my family. And that was a big escape for me because a lot of times he wouldn't want to come over. And so, it was like, great, I get to go have fun and not worry about what's going on at home, but I get to be with the people I love, which was definitely helpful. And then this is probably really silly. But so, we had a pet together, a dog. He actually, like, helped me a lot. He was just my little buddy and he was always like, he always knew when I was sad or he would always come comfort me. And I know that's silly, but he really helped me. So that was good to have.
Hilary: You're speaking to dog lovers in here, so you’re fine
Jen: Hilary is a new dog lover,
Hilary: But it's amazing how quickly that dog love comes.
Jen: And they are such a great source of comfort. And you know, with them, you never have to worry. They're always going to love you.
Hilary: You know, being able to have that support system, though, I'm just thinking, I mean, obviously, we know how important that as we've talked about that many times, but I think oftentimes with relationships, we were so entwined in that relationship. And although things may not be going the way we want them to go, we still love that person. But it's nice to have that support system because sometimes they can see the situation much more clearly than we can. And so being able to have people that we can talk to that that are watching out for us and at times may, you know, may need to give us, give us some advice. And I think that that's important for us to have.
Kayla: Yeah, I totally agree.
Hilary: So, I'm curious. And what's what? What was it for you that helped you to make that final decision? To leave that situation.
Kayla: Yeah, that's I feel like there was just a lot of little things, and I also feel I know that I'm a nice person, but I have my limits and I think we all do. It just depends on how long it takes you to get to your breaking point. So, there was a lot of little things for over the years. And I just felt like emotionally I detached from him just because I didn't feel safe. And one time there was a big blow up that was happening, and I was sitting in the truck with our dogs and I got a picture from my sister and she had just had a baby. And I was so excited and I thought, know she told me the name, how, how big the baby was and what time she was born and a picture of her. And I was just so happy. But then all this other stuff was going on outside the truck. So, it was just like so much happiness and joy for my sister and the sweet little niece that was born. But then all this dramatic stuff and like stressful stuff is going on, and it just kind of took me back and I thought, you know what, if there was a baby in this situation? I don't. I don't want to do that. I don't. I don't want to bring kids into this. And so that was kind of the first thing I was like, I don't I don't want to have children with this person because I know that how I'm being treated, he will treat them the same or worse, you know? And so that's kind of what made me feel like I think I need to leave. And it wasn't just, Oh, that night I decided I'm leaving. But it was definitely I really need to seriously think about this. And then I think it was four or five months later actually did end up leaving. So, it still took a couple of months of planning and preparing. But that's kind of when I decided I need to think about this really seriously.
Jen: Yeah, that would be a hard process and a hard decision to come to. You know, you always have that hope that maybe they'll change or whatnot. But when you think about it, just knowing that. You want to be in a healthy space, but you also want to be any child that you bring into this world in a healthy space as well, it's really important.
Hilary: I'm just sitting here thinking over here. But you know, there are so many reasons why people choose to stay in a negative relationship, and we can't put blame on any of those people because we have no idea what type of situation they're going through. And like you said, whether it's tied financially to them or their kids involved or pets or a mortgage or out of fear or, like you say, even that that hope that things will get better. I think that a lot of people are in a relationship thinking, we just got to get through this. We just got to get through. And I know with marriage, there is a component of, you know, for better or worse. But it's kind of finding the line between that versus a time where I'm in an unhealthy, unhealthy place and I'm not going anywhere.
Kayla: Mmhm. Yeah. And I think that's good that you say that because for me, leaving was a good decision for me and getting divorce was a good road for me. But that doesn't mean it is the best for everyone else. Some people will change and some people can work through things and come out the other side and be super happy, and that's awesome. But for me, that was just the road I took and it worked out really good for me. I'm glad I did that.
Hilary: So did you find any, well, it seems like, yes, you did. But tell us a little bit about some of the hardships that you found from. I mean, Jen and I live in Utah, and with Utah there's a little bit of a stigma associated with being divorced and being a divorced female. Did you see that at all with your experience? Tell us a little bit about that.
Kayla: Yeah, I even before I got divorced, I was very worried about being judged like, Oh, you just gave up on your marriage, you know? And so that is kind of the thing that made me. That was the thing that made me kind of stay even longer. I just was so fearful of being judged and that I gave up on the marriage. And I think a lot of other stigmas with people who get divorced men and women, are that there's something wrong with you or there's addictions going on. Oh, you must be hard to get along with. I also think that when people get divorced, it's it can often kind of define them like, Oh, I'm divorced, it's like, No, you went through that. And but that that doesn't define you. You know, you're your mom, your wife, your sister, your, you know, you have this education or you, you work really hard or you're going to school like it doesn't define you. And I think that's really been like not letting you define you, but I feel like a lot of people who are divorced that kind of happens to them. And I definitely had one after I got divorced and was thinking about maybe starting to date again. I just felt, Oh, I have too much baggage. No one would want to date me, or no one would want to get involved with me after all that I had been through, which is so not true. Just those things we tell ourselves just, Oh, I'm not worthy or I'm not worth it, which is not true, but. And I do think that there are a percentage of people who get divorced, who do have who are struggling with addiction or who are hard to get along with or, you know. But I just feel like it's such a big generalization that it's everyone. It's definitely not.
Jen: Yeah, I had a brother that stayed in a marriage for six years because of the fact that he was afraid of what people would think of him if he got a divorce. But really, I mean, from my perspective of what? Little I know from his I knew there was a lot of emotional abuse that went on there. And so, but he was just so worried that people would think of him as a weak man because he got divorced.
Kayla: That makes me sad for him.
Jen: He's happily married now and has three beautiful children.
Kayla: Happy to hear that
Jen: he was the same way he didn't want to have bring any kids into that type of relationship.
Kayla: Yeah, well, good for him.
Hilary: So as we're kind of wrapping up our time, I'm just thinking again, there's probably a lot of listeners out there that have taken a very similar path that you have. And I think there's probably a lot of listeners out there that are thinking to themselves, Wow, I am in an unhealthy place myself as well, too. Could you give us maybe what would be your biggest piece of advice for those individuals that are maybe in an unhealthy relationship and they know that they are or even those individuals who are recently divorced and struggling with that idea that you mention that guilt, that shame? What advice would you offer our listeners?
Kayla: That's good, I always say, if you're in an unhealthy relationship that's scary, I think the answer for what you should do is going to be different for everyone. I can't tell you, Oh, do A, B, or C, because everyone has so many. There's so many different variables in certain relationships. But I don't know. I think it would probably be important to maybe find someone you do trust who you can open up with and maybe talk tough with them. And maybe they can have some good advice for you. Or maybe that can just be an outlet for you to just feel like you can talk to them about stuff. And I know a lot of people in relationships like that, they keep it very secretive. I know I did. I didn't want people to know what was going on, and I just put on a brave face and acted like everything was okay. So, I think it's hard to know exactly what happens behind closed doors. We just don't really know. But I think to just give yourself some grace and maybe look at what's going on, and I don't know, I went to therapy after I got divorced, and it really helps me. I'm not saying that that will help everyone, but it was just nice to hear a third-party opinion about what was going on and someone emotionally outside of that. That could help me see things for what they were, which was really helpful. And I think anyone who maybe has recently gotten divorced and you don't feel like, you know, I'm never going to get married again. I said that as well. But I just told the higher powers, if I'm getting married again, you need to bring someone really special up with me. It worked out for me, and I know that it doesn't work out for everyone to find a healthy relationship after so much heartache, but work working on yourself and realizing that you do matter and that you do deserve happiness and love, and to be treated fairly and to be treated lovingly and kindly is really big. So, I hope people can realize that because that's huge.
Jen: Well, that is amazing, just see, I mean, giving yourself grace is a big thing. I always like to end these podcasts of reminding people to be kind to themselves. I think we take on so much and we listen or. We just listened to all those little negative things that are in your head and what other people say and really making sure that we're doing what's best for us. Well, I want to thank you so much, Kayla, for coming on and sharing your story of resilience and. Just a great reminder that we all have stories and they're part of our lives and they're great and lots of times there's great outcomes and we learn from those situations. I love, I just love the concept of resiliency and knowing that we can, improve on or become better. We can heal, really is what it is. Yeah, I hear a lot that it's bouncing back and really we're a better person, probably after the situation than we were before. So I got to figure out a different word for that. But thank you so much for coming on. We appreciate it. You're great. And if you would like to reach out to Hilary or myself, you can parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org or you can find me on Facebook. Jen Daly - The Family Place. This week, I challenged you just to remember to be kind to yourself, if you are in a situation to where maybe you need to talk to somebody, find someone that you can trust and talk to get some advice. We hope that you have a good week and we will see you back here next week.
Resources: 1. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202203/14-signs-unhealthy-relationship 2. https://jedfoundation.org/resource/how-to-safely-end-unhealthy-relationships/ 3. https://www.verywellmind.com/making-a-safety-plan-to-escape-abusive-relationship-5069959 4. https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/get-help/state-resources Contact:
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