This is our second Story of Resilience! Come and join Hilary, Jen, and our coworker Leslie talk about some of the trials Leslie has been through, what got her through, and what pushes her through hard times now. Leslie has such great advice and insight into trauma and how we can strengthen our children to be strong against difficult things when they happen.
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Jen: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast with Hilary and Jen!
Hilary: Welcome to our podcast, guys, we're excited to have you here. We have our segment on Stories of Resiliency, and I'm really excited to introduce our guests that we have here today. This is Leslie and she is a member of our staff, and she is one of these people, guys, that she has lived quite the life. And honestly, I, the more that I get to know her, the more I'm like, man, I could sit and listen to you for hours on end. And so, I'm excited because I know that she has a wealth of knowledge and she has some really important things that she wants to share with us today. So, I'm going to let her introduce herself and maybe tell us a little bit about what she does here at the office. She's one of these ladies that kind of does it all. We like those sorts of people. And then she's going to tell a little bit about her story and why she's here.
Leslie: Oh my gosh, you made me sound better than I could ever make myself sound in the entire world. But I'll try my best to make myself sound really, really good. My name is Leslie. I work at the fabulous place, as Hilary said. I also serve with AmeriCorps, which was what brought me here. I was Hilary's said, I do a little bit of everything, and that is what makes me happy doing everything. Because I'm one of those people that I'm like, I have to make sure things are done a certain way when it's done. But yeah, I just really love doing the social media as much as I can. I love coming up with new ideas on how I can, better in a way, I love getting people in the classes, and my favorite thing about what I do is I get to go out into the community and I get to tell people about all the amazing things that we offer. And if I can't help them in any way, I get to find a place or a facility that is able to help them out. And that is what makes me so happy.
Hilary: And she does a killer job of doing it, guys. Just, you know,
Leslie: Looking good while doing it
Hilary: You know, the more guests that we have on this segment, the more respect I have for things that people have gone through. And so. Leslie, if you'll just tell us a little bit about your story of resiliency and how well we'll go from there.
Leslie: Yeah, now I would love to. So, with me and I had a hard time with this, I had a hard time with being able to kind of summarize in such a short period of time, the stuff that's happened in my life. So I did what anybody that doesn't know what to do does, and I googled resilience. So the definition that I came up is “The capacity to recover quickly from difficulties and toughness and the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape.” I like the think that I am a resilient person, but when I read that I don't feel like I'm all the way there, and that kind of brought me to my definition and I know I've talked about this with many people as resilience isn't recovering, a hundred percent. It's having the tools to be able, that when times get tough, the difficulties of toughness, you have that tool set that is able to help you. And to give a little breathe on just things that I have gone through, I have unfortunately gone through child abuse. I have, been through the foster care system, I had to deal with different difficulties with identity and who I am. I had to go through quite a bit to learn that wonderful definition and that strength. And honestly, I think the best thing for me that I ever had as far as resilience is I never could do this resilience without going to therapy. I am so open and I am open because it is the only way I see to be resilient is you just have to have those tools in your tool belt. Because there are things that will pop up in my life. And I, you know, I was a younger kid and I heard about mental health and I'm like, That's not me, that's not me. I don't feel anything because those feelings are gone. Those feelings are deep, deep, deep down, and they're not coming out anywhere. Well, then you have relationships and then you get married and you have children, and those feelings and emotions come back up and you have to deal with them. And that's where I can gain. And resilience is going through those trials and being able to come out and see myself as successful end, and that doesn't mean that there's not going to be something that comes like there will be a day that is going to push me down and hit rock bottom. And I want to be able to just stand up and be able to recover every single time.
Hilary: You know, Jen and I have a few different times I think tried to define resiliency, and I think you have done a better job right there that…
Leslie: Google! Google does everything for us
Hilary: No but honestly, we've talked about how, you know, when people think of resiliency, they think of the spring right of coming back. And I think when we look at think about that visual, we almost make it seem like it's easy, right? Push the spring down and it bounces back up.
Jen: And you will never have to deal with this stuff every again
Hilary: Yes, and so I love I absolutely love when you commented about the fact that it's not necessarily that, you know, if I fall down, I'm going to bounce right back up like a spring. But I have the tools through this experience through these years. Through these trials, I now have the tools that I need in order to recover. And man, I think that that's a powerful statement because, yeah, it's I mean, there's times where maybe we can jump back up, but there's other times where we're going to like claw our way back depending on what we go through.
Leslie: And we're going to be at rock bottom and you might stay at rock bottom. Like I six years ago, I was unfortunately hit by a truck. I started my dream career. I had the career. I had the kids. I have the husband. I was at the top of my career. A week later, I was hit by a literal truck and it took me down the hardest road. I was unable to walk for the longest time. I was broken physically and emotionally. I lost my independence for a long time. And let me tell you, I feel like that rock bottom was at least two years. And every time, because I didn't know what to do with this new normal, I didn't know what to do with the way my brain thought, I had struggles. And I really had to dig, dig deep into what is the meaning of everything? What is the meaning for life? And how can I continue on and be resilient and be a role model for my kids and even just be there for my kids? Because how? How could I sit here in self-pity and then preach to them about being the best versions of themselves? So that was that was a hard, hard time. And you know, I say that there's going to be a time that's going to come and in a lot of people might take that as a negative and take that as a thing where it's like, Oh, you're just, you know, waiting for the next bad thing. But it's not even that. It's like, I want to be able to be to get up faster each time I want to be able to one day, things that would have put me down for months, you know, takes me down for an hour. So, yeah, I think that's the biggest, my biggest takeaway, at least.
Jen: I think over the last six years that we've really learned and focused on trauma here at The Family Place is that, when we deal with these hard things, life is never done with us.
Hilary: It's just the beginning,
Jen: And life always has a way of coming back and for some reason reminding us of hard times. And that's what we've learned and what we call triggers were triggered throughout our life and we can be having that years of good times. And then all of a sudden something will happen and take us back to those harder times that we may have had to live through. And so, yeah, having those skills to be able to cope in those hard times is super important. And I love that you brought up therapy and how that has really helped you gain those skills.
Hilary: So, can we talk a little bit more about that because obviously, this is something that we've discussed on our podcast, the importance of finding that help and particularly through therapeutic services, but just a little bit about your experience when you decided to start going to therapy, know how you found the right fit because I know a lot of people struggle with that, right?
Leslie: I struggle with that. Well, sometimes it really just depends. Yeah. So funny, funny. When I think back of my childhood, I think back to mental health. These people just get their life together. These people need to get, you know, these healers and get over it, you know, very, very. Blunt about just not even knowing and not even and now looking back, I'm like, Oh, the poor child, she just needed someone to say that it's OK to feel. So, when you're going through the system and I don't know if it's still the law in Texas, but when you're going through a system of changing homes, they put you through therapy. I walked into that narrow-minded and walked out faster than I ever could be like, “This is stupid, and I'm never going to do this again. I don't need this. I checked it off. I'm done.” And then years go and more unfortunate events happen. And it is one of those things where I was 20 years old, I was homeless. I barely could afford, really couldn't, afford food at all. I had no one had no friends, I had no family because anytime someone would get remotely close to talking about emotional things or kind of get too close or whatever it might be, that person was cut off immediately. I, you know, I have many examples of rock bottom, but that's probably my hardest rock bottom. I remember it being Christmas and just everybody having a place to go, and I had no one. I had a phone and not one person called. No one said, Merry Christmas. No one said Happy New Year, you know. The hardest time to look at a reflection of yourself in so many times. Before that, I said, Oh, I'm here because of this person. I'm here because of this happening to me. And yet those people and those situations were horrible.
But it was the first time I had the realization. That and the self-reflection and self-evaluation to be able to say. I think this is me. I like, yes, these things have happened to me, but I'm never going to be able to grow until I am able to deal with the things that have happened to me, to talk about them openly and just even with a therapist or even with myself like these are things that would come into my mind and I would physically shake my head because I didn't want to go there. I had a physical response to these moments. And so, I decided to go and get help. It was just a local nonprofit that we had in Texas, and I went in there and I said, I need help. There are kind of like what, what do you mean? You know, and I'm just like. I think in that moment, my body released an emotion that never felt before, and I look, I think back to it and I'm like, I think that emotion was relief. I think that emotion was me finally having to take the load I've been carrying for years. And say I need help, and I need to start this process because I can't carry this anymore. And so, I started my journey with trauma therapy. And I did that for two years. I was going about three times a week and my life, you know, it took a while, but drastically improved. I was had to see ugly sides of myself because a lot of it. I blamed other people. I blamed all these people. It's like, Oh, I'm here because of you, I'm here because of you. And I'm like, Yes, but what about me? What? What kind of person am I going to be?
And so, I started that process, and then I went until I was 22 and I went on until 2018. And that is when I have to start the process again. And it's hard because you go to a therapist or you go to a situation and you know, a group or whatever it may be, you're like, These people don't understand me. This person is not listening to me. This person's not understanding me. And this is a thing that I don't think a lot of people know about is it's OK to ask for another person. It's OK to say, Hey, this is not working out. I need to find someone else, and that's an OK thing to do. And I think until you find someone that you really click with, and a lot of it is being trauma informed, which is hard to do really for anybody. But, you know, being able say, you know, maybe I don't feel comfortable with a male therapist or a female therapist or whoever it may be. It's like really knowing yourself and what makes you comfortable because you're going to be in the most vulnerable state you've ever been in. To be able to start that process. But it's the best process in the world. It's like your life and your perspective and your meaning changes immediately.
Hilary: You know, I was working with a dad and he had a teenage daughter that he was concerned about her hurting herself, and he had been attempting to get her into therapy and she wanted nothing to do with it. And I've heard that scenario many, many times that, you know, I've tried to get so-and-so to go here and I've asked them and I've called and I've even driven them there, right? And I love that you're as you're sharing this story, you're talking about how. I made that decision. I got to that point. I wanted help because I really think that in order to find that success, that's where it comes from, if it comes from within. I mean, and that's frustrating for us as parents and caregivers and neighbors and friends because we want to do everything we can to help. But in the end.
Leslie: And I would just with that is like, I think back and I'm just like, I would have just really loved a great support system. So maybe not now, you know, therapy is just not on the table because a lot of times it's hard, like as a young kid, like your brain isn't even fully developed. And so, for you to make the decision to go and make drastic changes in your life, that's hard. But having that system that says, “Hey, when you're ready, let's go. I have the number. I have the place. Let's go. Let's do this.”
Hilary: So, besides therapy and support system that you just mentioned, is there anything else that you found when it came to that toolbox of other things that seem to help you through your road to resiliency?
Leslie: I think, you know, I really think they're just number one, I think, and I know that there may be someone that's listening that is thinking, “Ha ha ha, that’s easier said than done”, and it's hard to do when you've had a trauma is knowing your self-worth. Knowing that you are a valuable person, you are valuable to many other people. That is the strongest thing to me is just reminding myself, and sometimes I do, I have to remind myself those moments will happen and I'm like, “Oh, so-and-so's aren't taking me seriously or my husband didn’t remember to tell me “I love you” five times today”, and it's just like, it's hard when you're getting into your everyday life is knowing that self-worth, and it's also hard when you've had trauma because a lot of people that have had trauma didn't get that nurturing moment in development. They didn't get those I love you and I'll always be there for you. And that's the same, definitely with me. And so that is something that I had to carry with me throughout, and a lot of times I stumbled and fell and did not have that self-worth. But I think that that is really the thing that keeps me going on a daily thing. And I talk about this with disability or anything that happens? It's like knowing your symptoms. And I kind of look at symptoms the same way as triggers know your triggers. Now I know what makes you. Bring back those memories. What makes you feel like you felt when you were not at your best place? And I think if you can catch your triggers before they become bigger triggers, you can really be careful within yourself and be able to navigate yourself well as well.
Hilary: So, one thing that I know about Leslie is that she loves..
Leslie: I’m scared of what you're going to say.
Hilary: Haha well she's mentioned her kids, and she loves her kids fiercely, and I love that about her
Leslie: I do love my kids.
Hilary: So, you know, I'm assuming most of our listeners out there are parents. And so what advice would you give to parents in helping teach our kids about resiliency? How did you teach your kids to become resilient individuals?
Leslie: I think and honestly, I think my kids teach me things all the time, and they definitely remind me of things that I've taught them, like good and bad. I mean like, you're not loving and you're not saying you're feeling words. You know, like I just said, I would say 90 percent of parents do that. The one thing that I do try with my kids is always telling them they have a place, they have a place here. They have a home where they are safe and they are loved and with resilience, it's building up their strength. That's what I like to look at. It is not things happen and you're good. It is knowing what to do when things happen and the one thing that I like to do and they probably don't love it as much, it is talking about things afterwards and it's hard. But I think as parents, we sometimes get brought up saying, No, don't do that. No, don't do that. Don't! Come here, come here. And a lot of the times and my daughter really reminded me of this when she was two as a telling her no, and I was so used to her being young because, you know, you just come here, you know, whatever. And she's like, but just tell me why. Just tell me why. I just want to know why. And I'm like, Oh, I'd never, I'm like, Oh yes, you need to know the why behind something. And I'm like, me too. I'm the same exact way, and that is my thing. That I try to do is if there's something they can't do, if there's something that it, you know, we're not at that point, then we have a conversation. It's like, OK, you can't go to this party till midnight. But how about we do we discuss that when you're 15? You know, we give them because that's real life. That's a real situations that are happening that they're going to have to deal with. They need to be able to talk through their emotion and find a solution. It can't just be no all the time. And that's hard to do.
Jen: Or because I said so
Hilary: Yes, yes, that we all say that right? And just expect that they should it at every time.
Leslie: But then, yeah, but then it's like. You always have to remind yourself that it's like this could be your kid's biggest thing that's ever happened to them. They got asked to go to a party that's a boy and girl party and it goes till midnight. You know, just as a general example, and it's just like, that's the biggest thing you're like in your and your adult parent brain. You're like, you know, you're going to have plenty of parties, you're going to have fun. But this is this is the first one. This means more to your kid than it ever means to you. And so, it's like taking a step back because, also, it's like you need to go in, they're open minded, there's a lot of times where my kids will bring up topics and I'm like, You know what? That actually makes sense. And don't just go in there, it was like, nope, not going. And just like keep solid, it's like be able to be flexible and talk about things like there's lots of things that you just say no to. But in general, I'll try to just be open minded. And because kids will come to me, come to you with some crazy things.
Jen: But I think in that part of being open minded. That is building the resiliency because they do hear that you are listening, that they do matter, that their voice matters. And I think that's a huge part in being resilient of knowing that you are of worth, of listening to of talking to.
Leslie: And negotiating and not even just be listening to you, but being heard. Yeah, it's like, you know, how many times do your kids just tell you this crazy story and you know, you don't hear everything and I'm so you know, I think kids can teach you a lot because, you know, we don't know how it is to live in this generation. We don't know how it is to be in high school anymore. You know, it's just like they're going through such a different time. And the best we can do as parents is help them through it and always love them and always care for them.
Hilary: See, I told you guys, you could listen to her forever.
Leslie: Oh, it'll get old.
Hilary: So we're almost out of time. But let me just end with this final question kind of thinking of our listeners and maybe there is a listener out there that feels like they're at their lowest of lows. Any final advice you would give to that person?
Leslie: Always seek help. Never stop talking about it. Always go. And you know, I, you know, has the instances where, you know, I was telling it and no one was listening, but don't stop, never stop. Because what's happening to you, if it is happening to you, is in your, you know, going through an abusive situation. Just keep talking about it, keep going and get the help that you need because you're worth it.
Jen: I love that I remember being in a training and her saying that, especially with kids, they need to tell their story lots and lots of times, and we as parents are like, “Yes. Not again.” But especially with trauma. That's how they process things. That's how they begin to feel safe again and is by saying that and by us listening to it 20 million times. But also, it does sometimes sadly take 20 million times to tell it. And then it's the next time that someone gets you the help that you need to get out of that situation. And I think that applies to both children and adults because. Just because you're an adult doesn't mean you're exempt from having hard times, yeah, or being in rough relationships. So, Leslie, I really appreciate you coming in and talking with us and sharing a little bit about your life, and we all have something that we can learn from it and take and apply to ourselves, but also help with others. If you do find yourself in one of these situations, please do reach out for help. And there's lots of agencies that are out there in your communities that are willing to help you in any way they can. We hope you have a great day!
Thank you for listening to the Parents' Place podcast, if you would like to reach us, you can at parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org or you can reach Jen on Facebook at Jen Daly- The Family Place. Please check out our show notes for any additional information. Our website is TheFamilyPlaceUtah.org. If you're interested in any of our upcoming virtual classes. We'd love to see you there.
Subject Resources: - https://www.abuseresourcenetwork.org/ - https://ncadv.org/resources - https://www.cbeinternational.org/resource/article/mutuality-blog-magazine/5-reasons-why-its-okay-tell-your-story-abuse-even-when Contact:
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