This is our first episode of our series called "Stories of Resiliency". We will have people join us and share their journey and how they came out on top despite their struggles.
Come and listen to a fellow parent who went through (and is still going through) the journey of trying her best to help her child with ADHD. The ups, the downs, and what resources were the most helpful for her as a parent of a child with ADHD.
Listen here:
Can't Listen? Read the Transcription Here:
Hilary: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast, I'm Hilary.
Jen: And I’m Jen
Hilary: And we are excited to be with you guys today. If you are a longtime listener of ours, you know that one of the things that we have talked about we continue to talk about is trauma and resiliency. In regards to trauma. It's something that our agency, we tried to educate our community members about, about what trauma is, how it affects us, how it affects families and how to take those traumatic events and become stronger and more resilient based on that. And so, we are excited today because we are in the midst of creating a new segment for our podcast that we are going to title Stories of Resiliency. And our goal is to bring in both individuals from our agency as well as in our community to tell their stories and to talk to us a little bit about their resiliency and how they have been able to overcome some tough things in their lives and become stronger because of it. So we've got MarLyn here, and she has been on our podcast before and we love her and she has a fantastic story that that she's going to share with us today. So, we're excited to have her here. MarLyn, tell us a little bit about your cute little family.
MarLyn: OK, so I'm married, been married for 11 years and I have three kids. And when I tell this great story, I'm not going to be child specific because I know all this poor child of mine growing up knowing there is podcast about them. But one of my dear, dear children is there's so many great names for it, Strong-Willed and I'm blanking on all the great positive names, determined. And she is wonderful. There was a time period, though, when some new behavior started and it really threw us for a loop, and that's kind of what my story is about. Oh. But my story is about is how we navigated that and how we kind of came up on top. Even though the problem isn't completely gone, but just kind of how we went through that.
Hilary: OK. Oh, I'm excited. Yes, I. I'll be honest. I think all of our children 10 years from now are going to be like, Mom, what were you doing when you were sharing all those stories about, I guess, fine, child, it's fine. It was for educational purposes.
MarLyn: I’m like, names weren’t included. They don't know it was you.
Jen: Say one day you'll have your children and you'll share your stories too.
Hilary: You just do it. It's OK. It’s OK
MarLyn: I have your life story recorded on this podcast, I can just play it for you
Hilary: I have, so it's funny because I had somebody tell me one time that those kids that you know, we define as a quote, strong willed or determined or stubborn or, you know, whatever the word is, those qualities that tend to drive us bananas as a child, as a parent of that child are those same qualities that a future leader is going to want. Yes, as they are looking for a colleague and a coworker. And I just have to remind myself that personnel were strong willed personalities. Good. It's good. It's good. She knows what she wants. She's motivated, she's driven. She'll get where she wants in life.
MarLyn: But you just have to learn how to survive till they get to that point.
Hilary: But it's a real hard when you're the parent of that child having to maneuver those things. So go a little bit deeper and tell us a little bit about some of those. Maybe start with some of those behaviors that you noticed that you said initially you were able to identify.
MarLyn: OK, so from when she was very, very young, I knew she was very determined, you know? And, you know, consistency and then be really consistent. And it was like, I got to do this a thousand times more for her than any other kids, for it to stick. And so, I knew it was different. And then when my husband would go out of town, she would get a little bit violent and it was kind of scary. And it just kind of these things started popping up more and more, and we went to the, you know, the doctor and I'm like, totally self-diagnosing on Google. And I'm like, I think she has ADHD, and he's like, That's OK, that's fine. We usually don't test through that, though, until they're older, just because sometimes it's just a kid being a kid and I was like “Cool that’s totally fine.” because I don't want to throw them into something that's totally unnecessary and want them to just be a kid. So, we kept going. And she's just real strong, physically and strong willed, and it was a few months after kind of the shutdown, you know, the schools ended and then summer of honestly awesome didn't really notice anything. And then she had to go back to school and we actually went to a new school, too. And that is when things just got so bad. And um, and it was so confusing because to me, my emotionally hard part of the pandemic was at the very beginning. So my brain is like, it's over now. Now we're just used to it. But she would just scream, scream, scream, scream, and she'd kick. The back of the car, which is really tough. And I know other ADHD parents, they don't like riding in the car because if they get bored, that's when those big parent behaviors come out. But kicking the back of the chair and then eventually she just start throwing big things across the room and we're like, “We don't know what to do”, you know? And my mom's like consistency. Bless her heart and like mom. Consistency’s not because this is not working. I don't know what to do. And so eventually we try to do that. We took her to therapy and she was still pretty young, like six. And honestly, I like the therapy we were doing. She was like a total angel. And again, she was like perfection at school. And it was just like, you put like, you know her. Tables turned when we get home and some therapies like she's doing great and I'm like, but come home with me.
Hilary: Let me take a video camera with me. Twenty four hours.
Jen: Well a lot of people also say that if they're not exhibiting those big behaviors at home and at school, then it’s not ADHD.
Hilary: Yeah! More than it or that it's more based on your parenting than it is on a diagnosis, which is unfortunate that we sometimes get that idea ahead.
MarLyn: And so I'm taking all these classes for it because I'm going to school. I know I'm like “Am I a bad parent?”, I'm literally taking college parenting classes. I'm like, what am I doing wrong? You know? And it was really hard at first. It was like, Wow, this is, you know, inconvenient. And then it got so bad that it was hard to get her sleep. I'd cry before bedtime because like, I don't know, because she would give like she hit me and kick me out. I was bruised all over the place. And then I cry when I had to wake her up because it was so hard every transition and you just go off, you know, in a split second and I started losing my hair. And she adds, our therapist said, you know, like if she's kind of being a danger to herself and others. And so we just put her in a room for these times that they were really they had holes in the wall. And I'm like, “Mom, did any of us do this?”. You know, I'm trying to figure out like, is it my parenting and going through all the classes I took. And I'm like, “What is happening?” Because it was like my wife kind of got turned around in just this short amount of time. So, yeah, it was really hard and we started looking for answers right about then my own brain wasn't coming up with them.
Jen: So, yeah, that's going to be hard. I just think of so many parents who think that they were told, Oh, your child's not doing this in all locations, so it's your parenting. Take some parenting classes, you know? So that's got to make people feel like gay big. I have. I'm doing my very best. I'm going off of the knowledge that I have, and I'm doing my very best. And then to see her behaviors just accelerates or she's putting holes in the wall. So, what did you do? Like, I'm just thinking, OK, you took all of the parenting classes. What did you do next?
MarLyn: So, we had gone to therapy and we're like, all right, because I didn't do a lot and I was taking those college classes. I'm racking my brain. And we had a doctor. So, we went and we're like, you know, so we're going to go the medication and therapy. And I know that's not everyone's cup of tea. You know, everyone has different things. And that's probably why such is the direction we went. And so, he's like, let's try seeing some anxiety medicine. And I think anxiety as well. So, I’m like, “I don't know, this isn’t anxiety. I never out holes in the walls”, but actually ended up helping a lot. And so, I'm like, OK. And so, then we tried to maybe, you know, we just kind of trying these different things because we want her to learn these skills of managing these emotions. But if she, you know, we got to get it under control enough for her to learn these things. So that was our hope with the medication. So that's one route we took. And eventually, you know, before we started looking for help, it was like, I don't want to wake up the next day, not like suicidal ideation, but in like, I'm so scared and I don't know what to do. And I remember hearing, if it's impacting your daily life, that's when you reach out for help. I remember that. I remember hearing it like, all right, we got to do something. So, after we kind of talked to a doctor about different medications and things like that, and they pointed me to a parenting class that specific to ADHD children. And it's interesting because now I teach parenting. So, and it's not all that different, which is really helpful to know because I have people saying I can't find an ADHD parenting class and we'll just come to this one because, its similar.
Jen: Yeah, that's the one thing parents do or people don't understand. Techniques are the technique. You just have to tweak them.
MarLyn: Adjust them. Yeah. And so, I went to this parenting class and it was I mean, it wasn't so different from what I'd learned, but just understanding how their brain works a little bit differently. Like I said, the things that they just need repetition. Their brain just takes longer to hold on to something. So again, I had to put her, you know, be consistent with her for longer, for it to stick and just the way things just for attention span. Understanding that instead of punishing her for how her brain works, adapt thing. Like, Oh, it seems like you're having a hard time, let's take a break and just learning how just the difference in her brain working was really helpful and then adapting those parenting tools to that. Like ADHD children want to have some sort of control in their lives, just like any other kid. So how can I adapt to that and help her feel in control in these situations? So just that little knowledge of how her brain was working differently than my oldest child and then adapting those things to help her? It wasn't life changing. And it's interesting to look back because. I mean, she shoe has big behaviors and something I always tell people in my class like, I can't just tell you a magic tool and all the problems are gone, but so when she has a big behavioral, I'll be like, “Oh my gosh, this is so hard”. And I remember two and a half years ago when it was so much worse, and I think that I'm hoping people will listen and think, Oh, that's right, like, it's not as bad as it was in progress takes time.
Hilary: You know, it's funny because when we talk about resiliency and I feel like this is something that as a society, as a whole, we're talking about more, especially since COVID, you know, you often hear these children are so resilient. And I think a lot of times we get this image of this this spring, right? And how you push it down and it automatically bounces back. And I don't necessarily think resiliency is that instantaneous, and I think we need to remember that we're not automatically bouncing back from a lot of these traumatic events. It's going to take time, weeks, months, years sometimes, and we're going to have our setbacks. But I think what you said is a powerful statement when you talked about how we still experience big behaviors, but we can look back and we can see where we've come from and see the progress. And I think that's the key when it comes to resiliency.
Jen: I also think thinking of it as bouncing back, because that's the phrase that we use all the time. We don't want to bounce back all the time to what we were before. Yeah. And so, I like bouncing forward. I don't know. I haven't come up with my own little catchphrase, but I think sometimes I mean, if it's trauma for resiliency, we're never going to get back to that spot. We've become a different person. But it's the same thing with you and your daughter. You're different people now. So, if anybody has a great catch phrase, I'll share the thought process with you and you can get all this. We'll share the glory. But I feel like we need to come up with something different because we're not bouncing back to become that same person. We're moving forward to become a new person. I wouldn't want to go back to where I was a long time ago
MarLyn: Yeah. All the skills I've learned to just in these parenting classes, it's like me and my husband are like, all right, remember they said, Do this and we're not, you know, we're like, Oh my mad we messed up on it. Oh, let's try again. And I also want to mention like, we're still like fidgeting with like medications. You know, maybe she doesn't even have ADHD. Maybe it's anxiety, and she just reacts. And again, it's a process, but don't give up because there's more research. There's more science based everything, and there's a lot more support out there than we might think. Because once I mentioned like, Oh, my daughter has this, it's like, “Oh my gosh, my son has that. And at that age”, and there's just this really great community that if you look for it, it's really there.
Jen: I think also with ADHD, we have to see it's not this way in all cases, by any means. But has there been a trauma prior to this? Yes, because ADHD can really start or the behaviors look like ADHD, but what it really is, is trauma and whatever that trauma may be of abuse or COVID or a car accident, it may be very different, but it exhibits itself as ADHD. So, knowing that so you can. That can be a piece of your puzzle that you're trying to navigate and put together.
MarLyn: Yeah. So, when I look back because when I started teaching about trauma, I'm like, maybe it's, you know, maybe it's ADHD plus trauma, maybe it's just trauma because it happened right after COVID. And so now we're adjusting. And, you know, and it's a lifetime thing which isn't as exciting as just having a fix. All but there's progress and there's hope and there's resources and you just kind of taking it one step at a time and then you look back and see how far you've come.
Hilary: So maybe let's end with I'm going to end with this question for you. But I think one thing that we want to make sure we do when it comes to. Trauma and recovery and resiliency. What are you most proud of, of what you and your daughter have accomplished through this experience?
MarLyn: I think our communication, realizing that I can apologize to my child when I think I made a mistake or identifying emotions like, I'm really, you know, I'm too man to talk right now, so we'll talk later. I think that is so cool, and I'm really proud of that. And she's getting, I hope I'm modeling it. So, she's saying, like she came out of him and said, I'm not as tired, but I'm still angry and I'm like, You're angry. That's totally fine. I'm just so glad that you said and label know that you're angry. And so, I think that is really exciting. And then just like the little tips, helping transitions easier and positive self-talk, I think, is another one which kind of fits in this communication, like if she's behind. So, a lot of kids with ADHD sometimes fall behind in school and it's like, “Oh my gosh, you read this book? That's exciting because it's progress” and that like, “Oh, you're not in your grade level, try again”. You know, like not focusing on perfection, but the progress that you see and just having that strong, positive connection with them being the cheerleader, I guess.
Jen: I love that for her progress over perfection, but perfection is an illusion. We can have a podcast on perfectionism and how it is all an illusion. But yeah, definitely. I love that progress over perfection. And I just love the fact number one, if you could see Marilyn's face, she's just smiling as she's talking about her daughter, and you can tell that she cares for her and wants the very best for her daughter, which all of us want for our children. And so, it may not be Marlon's for out. It may be a different route, but we encourage you if you are seeing these things, if you are worried, if your child has ADHD or another diagnoses or just trauma in general to go and ask for help, seek out your local community resources so that you can get those answers to understand how their brains work. Because I feel like if we can understand that piece that is like half the battle, because then we can do the things we need to do to adjust. So, thank you so much for coming on our podcast today. We appreciate it. And my friends, we thank you for listening. As always, we encourage you to share this podcast if you like it for yourself. Also, if you would like to reach Hilary or myself, you can reach us at parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org, or you can find me on Facebook. Jen Daly - The Family Place. We also encourage you to go to our website, which will be in the show notes and. Look up any classes that you want, a lot of our classes are virtual. And we are happy to have you join us. If not, look in your local community and see what classes are taught there. We hope you have a great day. Remember to be kind and patient with yourself, and we'll see you next week.
Resources: 1. https://chadd.org/for-parents/overview/ 2. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/health-issues/conditions/adhd/Pages/Understanding-ADHD.aspx 3. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/helping-kids-through-adhd/202003/adhd-and-emotional-trauma Contact:
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