Have you ever thought about what's going good in your marriage and why it's working? Sara shares 4 tips that has helped her have a successful marriage.
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Jen: Hello and welcome to The Parents Place, a podcast put out by The Family Place for parents to develop skills that will strengthen families and provide tools that will help each of us in our parenting efforts. No matter our skills, we can always use reminders that help us work towards a safer, happier home. I'm your host, Jennifer Daly, the education director at The Family Place and my co-host is Sara Hendricks, a family educator at The Family Place. Every week, we will interview professionals that will provide valuable information that will make a difference when you apply it directly to your life. Thank you for joining us, now, let's get started with today's episode.
Sara: Hi, guys, welcome to The Parents Place podcast. I'm your host, Sara Hendricks, and today I'm going to be doing something a little bit different. You just get me today because Jen's had a lot on her plate, and I thought this would be a good time for me to do a solo episode and give her a little bit of a break from doing some podcast recordings. And honestly, it feels kind of fun to bring you an episode that's a little more intimate and allows you to get to know me a little better. So, I'm feeling excited about this, as I was brainstorming some thoughts of what I could do that wouldn't require back and forth conversation or multiple perspectives. I really thought talk about something personal, so that's what I'm going to be doing today and as I was thinking about what topic I could do, I decided a good topic that would be fun for me to discuss would be how to have a successful marriage. Mind you, I'm no expert on this topic, but I can share my personal experience and what's working in my marriage. So here we go, as I was thinking about what key things have helped my marriage be successful, I really it comes down to four things that I want to share with you.
So, like all good stories, we have to start at the beginning, and it's really quite comical for me to be sharing this part with you because I am not a sports person like at all and of course, the first factor to my healthy marriage starts with a reference to sports, because that makes perfect sense. So, I'm sure as I work my way through this story and mess up all the details, a lot of you listening will be able to fill in the gaps and know exactly what I'm attempting to reference, but for me, it's not the details that make this story so significant. Okay, maybe this is getting confusing, so let me try to talk sports for a minute and bear with me as I butcher this story because I'm sure I'm going to get a lot of details wrong. So, my first year of marriage, my husband was watching a sporting event on TV. Honestly, I'm not even sure what sport it was, I want to say football, but I don't know for sure, and I definitely don't know what teams are playing and if the team my husband was rooting for even one, I have no idea. But after the game, they interviewed a man who I'm pretty sure was a coach, and this is the part where you're probably going to laugh at me because I remember his name and once I tell you his name, if you're a sports person, you'll probably know who he is. So, the man they were interviewing, who I think was a coach, is named Lou Holtz. Hopefully that connects some dots for all of you but again, for me, these details aren't totally relevant for why I have a successful marriage. So, I think it was Lou's, Lou? Can I call him that? It feels personal anyway, I think it was his anniversary, or he had just recently celebrated a big milestone anniversary. So, in this interview, he was asked what his secret was for having a successful marriage and that's when Lou told the reporter that he and his wife live by a motto, there’s no way out, so work it out.
That was his secret sauce for having a successful marriage. Okay, so full disclosure I ran that version, passed my husband to ask how I did. If that is really how that story goes and his response was, well, you got his name right. And so, I was like, oh man, so he's not a coach? Husband's like, No, he's a coach, okay, so then he didn't coach football? No, he coached football and I was like, dude, I got a few details, right? Like, give me a little more credit! But so, I asked him how the real story went, and here's how it goes. So apparently this was a college bowl game, whatever that means, I have no idea, but it was between Boise State and Oklahoma, and it just so happens that I watched this game with my husband. Like, no joke, I do not remember any of this that's how present I am when sports are on the television. But anyway, so he said the game went into overtime and after Boise won, who was the team my husband was rooting for and supposedly I was too, but I don't remember this. Anyway, a player proposed to his girlfriend on the field in front of everybody and because of that, when they were talking to Lou Holtz, who wasn't coaching either of the teams, he was a commentator for the game. They said something along the lines of, you've been married for 50 years, what could you tell this couple that has helped your marriage be successful? And that's when he shared his motto. So, there you go, I don't think I did too terrible with my version but now you have the real story mixed with mine, and hopefully you got a little chuckle as you got to see just a small glimpse of what my husband has to put up with for me on a regular basis when it comes to talking sports. So anyway, back to my point, so my husband listened to that interview and supposedly I did too, but, he thought he was a great motto and said that we should live by it too.
So, 15 years ago, we adopted the motto, there's no way out, so work it out. And we've applied that to every situation we need to work on, so while the sporting details aren't necessarily important, it's still kind of fun to know the backstory of where this motto came from for us. Oh, and P.S. just as a side note, you might be wondering how in the world I remember the coach's name, but none of the other details. So, when we decided to adopt this motto, I typed it up and I hung it on our fridge as a quote with his name after it and so while the backstory faded into oblivion for me, I saw his name daily to the point it's now permanently stored in my long term memory because I really do accredit Lou Holtz for this motto that we have for 15 years lived by. There's no way out, so work it out is a phrase that has been used many times between my husband and myself throughout our 15 years together. It's helped soften some of the hardest conversations we've ever had but it's also provided a way to work on the little things that can fester and turn into big things. I would say I've probably taken this motto to heart more than my husband because I've often come to him saying, okay, this is me working it out. But really, I think we both share this mentality that we're in this for the long haul, so we're going to do all that it takes to work through whatever we face. And ultimately, all this motto is really saying is communicate. Communication is one of the key components in having a successful marriage, so this is my first tip. Communicate, right? And that doesn't mean that we nitpick every single little thing so that it doesn't turn into a big thing, we still choose our battles and decide what we feel we can and can't live with, but it's allowed space for discussing things in a non-threatening way because we both want our marriage to work. And if something isn't working for one of us, we're open minded to making changes. So, tip number one, communicate, the motto there's no way out, so work it out. So then when I think about how we both have this desire for our marriage to work and to be open minded and make changes if something isn't working. I started thinking about what that looks like, and we, my husband and I both have this desire to serve each other and we genuinely care that the other's needs are taken care of. I would say neither one of us are really selfish people, so we typically try to make the other happy and this means that while I don't share a love for sports like my husband, I still attend games with him and I don't gripe and complain about it. And he's understanding that I don't have to go to every game with him because he knows that I don't particularly enjoy it, and we're both okay with that. And I would say the same goes for my love for the pool and water activities, he would probably be happy to never put on a pair of swimming trunks ever again, but he's willing to share those experiences with me because he knows I enjoy it. And on the flip side, I'm willing to go without him from time to time because I know it's not his favorite thing.
So, we both have hobbies and interests that the other isn't into, but we find balance in sharing those things together while still leaving space to enjoy them alone. But I would say that's not the only thing when it comes to selflessly serving each other, that's just one small part. So, when one of us needs something, the other does what they can to serve. So, I have some examples for this okay? So, my husband is known for forgetting things he needs to take with him to work. I would say probably two to three times a month, I can count on receiving a text or a phone call from him, asking me to bring him something that he forgot. And while I could easily express my annoyance and tell him he needs to be more responsible and make sure he knows how inconvenient it is for me to drop everything I'm doing and take 30 minutes out of my day round trip to take something to him. I don't. I just simply let him know when I can come and I take it to him. I think it's easy to fall into a mindset of thinking that's his problem maybe he should have been more responsible, and I think I could also easily fall into a mindset of wanting to make sure he knows how much I'm sacrificing to help him. But really, when you think about it, what purpose is that serving to do that? Yeah, he could probably get by without the thing he's asked me to bring him, but I know his day will go more smoothly if he had it. I also know that he doesn't super love being at work and would much rather be home. So why not help him have a better day when he's not with his family? Plus, if I gripe about having to take something to him? All it does is make him feel bad. It doesn't change the fact that he forgot something and still needs me to bring it and then it taints our relationship by making him feel like he can't come to me for help without receiving a lecture and feeling bad that he had to ask me for a favor. So what purpose is it serving to gripe and complain? And sure, I have a choice, I could choose not to bring it to him and allow him to suffer those natural consequences. But when I'm thinking about my marriage and having a strong marriage, doing those things are not strengthening my marriage. And so, I try really hard to serve him and help him when he needs it. I also think that, my serving him strengthens that desire for him to want to serve me, knowing that I reciprocate and do the same thing. And boy, does he serve me, I could go on and on with countless examples of things that he has done, like how he always puts gas in the car, even if we're both in it and I'm the one driving or how he always goes on a Dr. Pepper run any time I ask him to and half the time he doesn't even get anything for himself while he's out. Or how he does 99 percent of the grocery shopping because he knows how much I hate it. But there is one that stands out the most, and it's a pretty big one, we've been through some pretty hard health trials that really could have done some pretty big damage to our marriage if it weren't for this desire to serve each other.
I've had three high-risk pregnancies that really had me sick beyond comprehension for six straight months until my babies were born prematurely, and then we had all the hardships that came with that. So then during two of those pregnancies, my husband was working full time and going to school, and on top of that, trying to take care of me, a grown adult who depended on him so much for everything because I was so sick. And I think he easily could have expressed his frustrations, showed his annoyances, he could have told me to suck it up as so many others did, but he never did any of that. He never made me feel like I was making his life harder than it needed to be, which I definitely was, and he never made me feel like I was an inconvenience to him. He didn't necessarily understand what I was going through, but he accepted it and he did whatever he could to make it easier for me. And when I think back on that time in our lives and think about how hard that time must have been for him, because sure, it was physically hard for me. But he did so much too, and he carried so much weight and he never made me feel like I wasn't carrying my weight, which I certainly wasn't during that time. I will be full disclosure right there, I was not carrying my weight. That was a really hard time in my life, so it's things like that that make our marriage work because we're so willing to serve the other. When we put each other's needs over our own and both make the effort to serve each other, it definitely strengthens our marriage and we know that we can depend on each other when we fall short and needs support. We know that we're not going to be made to feel guilty when we ask for help. I don't know if anyone listening has felt this way, but I know what it feels like to have someone express to me how inconvenient it is that I've asked for their help, and even when they're teasing, it still doesn't feel good. Honestly, I think we could easily tie feelings of shame to those moments, which makes it even harder for us to ask for help the next time, right? Because even though they were just teasing a lot of time, teasing is just making our real feelings come out in a joking way, right? So, you feel ashamed for asking for help, and so it makes it harder to ask the next time. And I think it's important for everybody to have people in their social circles that they can depend on and ask for help from time to time. But if there's somebody that's making you feel bad for asking, especially someone as important as your spouse who's supposed to love you unconditionally and want to make your life easier, it's definitely hurtful and damaging when you're made to feel bad for asking for help. You know what I mean? And so that is something that my husband and I both have this mutual understanding, and we try our hardest to serve each other without complaint and without making the other feel bad, even when it's annoying and inconvenient.
So, then another key component that's helped our marriage be successful is that we have a mutual respect for each other and I feel like this really ties into two main areas within our relationship. So first, I think we need to talk about arguments and fighting because even though my husband and I have this motto that there's no way out, so work it out. And even though we try to serve each other without complaint, we still have moments where we disagree or argue or fight, right? So, I think it's important to have this understanding of where I'm coming from, when I say that we have this mutual respect for each other when it comes to fighting and arguing, I can honestly say that neither one of us has ever yelled at each other. We've never called each other names, we've never used swear words towards each other, we've never insulted each other during a disagreement. We respect each other enough to work through our differences without fighting dirty and I think that those things are definitely fighting dirty to call each other names or swear at each other or even yelling at each other. We don't throw around the word divorce, maybe we should just get divorced whenever we have a disagreement because we know that we're in this for the long haul and we're going to work through whatever it is that we're disagreeing on. Thank goodness for that motto, there's no way out, so work it out. We're going to work out whatever it is we're disagreeing about and I think because of this, where we don't fight dirty, we also don't harvest these ill feelings later as we remember the hurtful things that were said and then have to work through the process of forgiving and forgetting those hurtful things. So that's one area of respect is when it comes to disagreeing with each other. The other area I would say that comes into play is how we talk about each other to other people. So, we don't go around telling everyone all the mistakes that the other has made and all the annoying habits they have and the things we fight about, because that's just painting our spouse into a negative light for others. And also, when you're sharing that stuff with other people, they tend to remember the negative things more than the positive. So, while we might be heated and annoyed in the moment when we're telling them these things, we eventually move on. We work through that disagreement that we had with our spouse and we get to a better place and we've been through this whole process to move on. But the person we've shared that information with, they haven't gone through that process, you know? And so, then we move on, we forgive and forget and then the next time that something comes along, that we share those negative things about our spouse with somebody else, they bring up the things from the past that we had forgotten about, which can then bring more ill feelings like, oh yeah, he totally did do that before I forgot about that. And now we have more fuel for our fire when originally, we had worked through it and forgotten because we've included somebody else in the situation who remembers. Now we have more that we're upset about, right? So, it just isn't a good idea to complain about your spouse to other people, not only is it disrespectful to my spouse if I complain about him, but my marriage is just between me and him, and we don't need outsiders weighing in and giving their opinions on things that don't involve them. My husband and I respect each other's privacy, and we have consideration for those things that if the roles were reversed, we wouldn't want them said about ourselves so we don't say them about each other.
Finally, so that was point number three, that we have this mutual respect for each other. So, number four, the last one is that my husband and I, neither one compare each other to other couples. We don't look outward because we know we chose each other and neither of us are going anywhere. So, we never have these conversations of dude, why can't you be more like so-and-so or so-and-so husband always does x for her? Why don't you ever do this for me? You know? Like we never have those kinds of conversations. Like instead of longing for what we don't have, we find joy in the things we do. We focus on the positive things our spouse does and feels gratitude for them. I know when I was on social media, I would have those moments where somebody had something really awesome that they shared and I would think, yeah, but I bet her husband doesn't do this, you know? And just think about the positives because even though whatever they shared isn't something my husband necessarily does for me. There’re still other things that he does for me that I super appreciate. So, there you have it, those are my top four reasons why I have a successful marriage communication service respect and not comparing each other to anyone else. And while I'm sure there are many other things that factor in, such as sharing the same values and speaking each other's love language and setting shared goals that we work on together, I would say these four components play a huge part in how our marriage functions successfully. So, I hope you've enjoyed listening to this episode and that it brought value to your day. I certainly enjoyed reminiscing about my marriage and digging deeper into what's working for us. That was really fun for me to think deeply about what it is because I do honestly feel like we have a good marriage and we've had conversations together of what is it like, why do we feel so connected? And so, coming up with these reasons really helped me make that connection and recognize, oh, we are doing some really good things with our marriage. So, with saying that, I would say that this brings me to my last thing, I have two challenges for you today. Okay? So, the first one is obvious. I just gave you a list of four things that has helped my marriage be successful, and I want you to take those four areas and if you're not doing any of them already or you are, but you might need to clean it up a bit, then work on that. So, whether that means adopting the motto, there's no way out, so work it out, I don't hold claim to that, it wasn't my motto originally, but it has definitely been a good thing for our marriage.
To have that mentality by all means, adopt the motto to open up better lines of communication for you and your spouse, or if it means to serve more selflessly without complaint or practicing respect, or no longer comparing your spouse to anyone else. I think any one of those things opens up space for more love and less bitterness and I say, get your spouse on the same page. It takes both of you to make a marriage work so that's my first challenge to focus on those four things and apply what you can. My second challenge is to write out a list of all the positive things you love about your spouse and your marriage doing this episode has put this like twinkle in my eye towards my husband. And it's made me feel closer to him and appreciate him more, and I've got to say it feels good to see him with rose colored glasses and express to all of you that are listening how amazing he is because I truly do feel that way about him. So really, I feel like maybe this brings me to a third challenge that is totally optional, but I highly encourage it. And that is that after you write your list, share it with your partner. Don't assume that they know all the things you love about them and even if they do, it's always nice to hear it again and have those reminders. I shared these things that I was planning to put in this episode, I shared them with my husband just to run them past him and make sure he feels okay with me sharing these things. And I do feel like it was a good thing for me to say those things out loud, to allow him to know what's in my heart and what I appreciate about him and how he serves me. So, I encourage you to share your list with your partner because really, I think it could be the start of something wonderful in your relationship. So, I guess that's all that I have for you and if you have any questions or you want a specific topic covered on the podcast or you just want to say hi, you can email us at Parents@thefamilyplaceUtah.org. And there's also a link in the show notes where you can quickly record a voice message if you don't want to take the time to send an email. It's super easy, just click on the voice recording link. It's the first link in the show notes, it will take you to a website where you'll then click on a little button that says Messages, and that takes you to a place where you can work. Heard your message, and it's super easy, so we would love to hear from you. You can also follow me and Jen on Facebook, Sara Hendricks-The Family Place or Jen Daly-The Family Place, and we have a Facebook group called The Parents Place, where we share all things centered around families and parenting. That's also a place where you can ask us your questions and family educators that we work with are also part of that page, and you can have family educators respond to your questions. We would love it if you join that group and give us a shout out so that we can meet all of our listeners virtually. So that's all that I have for now, but we'll catch you again next time on The Parents Place.
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