Transitioning into Adulthood

Most of us have been there, the threshold from teen life into adulthood. What is it like? What is exciting about becoming and adult? What is scary about it? Come listen to us talk about what it's like transitioning into adulthood with one of our young adult staff, Sage!

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Hilary: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast, I am Hilary.

Jen: And I'm Jen.

Hilary:' We are excited to have you guys here today. So, as we were thinking about our topics, the one thing that Jen and I have discussed is. How to help either our young listeners or parents of children who are adult children. And I know a lot of our topics are geared towards younger kids, but I think this is a great conversation to have because I know a lot of people are in that boat; of how to raise these adult children, how to help them find success as they enter the real world and what we can do kind of in that process, both as a parent but also as an individual that's going through this. And so, we are excited because we have Sage here. She is from our office and she is happy to talk to us a little bit about her experience, both growing up as well as currently and how she's been able to maneuver this crazy world that we have and finding success doing so. So, Sage, I'll let you tell a little bit about yourself.

Sage: Yeah. So, I'm the oldest in my family. There's five kids in my family. So, I was always in the first one to do kind of everything. So, I'm kind of the first one to take on this whole being an adult, but also not knowing really how to do it, which is exciting and scary and all sorts of good. And yeah, it's a different experience, but it's a really, really exciting. Growing up like this last couple of years, I haven't lived at home. I want to say it's been 3 years about since I officially moved out, alright I'm a big kid now. It's about as big as you can be when you're like 18 years old, trying to take on the world.

Jen: 18-year olds do think that they're big kids.

Sage: So, I thought I was the biggest thing when I was 18, I was like, Hello, yes, I don't live at home anymore, I did it.

Jen: I know everything now.

Hilary: So, looking back and honestly like being the oldest in the family with that many siblings, that's a lofty task. And I'm sure you had maybe some extra responsibilities, some things that you noticed. What are some of the things that you noticed that your parents did that you felt like maybe helped prepare you for adulthood?

Sage: Yeah. Like you said, with being the oldest, I feel like I definitely did have a lot of extra responsibilities. Growing up, I thought I was the second mom. Well, how to have a lot of talk to me and was like, no, I am mother here; which was funny and great. But I even like those times when I was like, I want to be bigger than I am and trying to take on more. I feel like my parents really gave me a lot of opportunities to do that, to take on different things and kind of have a lot of say in my own life. Like growing up, I played a lot of different sports. And then at first, I don't even know how many years of my life I was a dancer. And that was that was what I wanted to do. My mom has told me about a conversation with my dad where they had pushed me and they wanted me to play soccer because that's what I had done when I was like little. But I just had this desire and my little like four or five-year-old heart was like, I want to dance. Like, I want to do it. And my mom was my dad one day, and so I think we're to learn dance. And they did, they let me do exactly that, and I did it until I was done. And they just gave me a lot of freedom in that like space of my life. I danced for a long time. After that, I went and played softball, I played basketball, I was on the swim team. I did like everything under the sun and then made it full circle back to soccer. In the end, my parents were like, Hmm, I thought we were right in the beginning.

Hilary: They usually are right, but we just don't say that out loud to our kids. But I was a huge thing for me.

Sage: Like my parents, allowing me to have choices and be the one to decide what I did. And watching, like some of my friends around me, that they felt a lot of pressure from their parents to do certain things. And watching them either grow out of love for these things that they had once loved, they felt a lot of pressure to do. And like I had the pressures of my own life, that kind of stuff. So, like, I didn't have that, but I feel like I was getting a lot of freedom. My mom was just like, we want you to play sport and I want you to play an instrument; which means the piano for a couple of years. And I was like, I hate this. She was like, you didn't try. I was like, you’re right, but I also hate this so I’m done. She’s like, OK, well, you have to play an instrument. I was like, cool I’ll do the guitar. And I picked it up and I loved it. Like, it became my favorite thing. But even in those things, like they gave me boundaries and things that they wanted me to do but then, they let me have the freedom and independence to choose and pick for myself. Like, OK, yeah, like this is this is what I want to do.

Jen: I wish I remembered my childhood.

Hilary: I'm sure it was marvelous.

Jen: Yeah, it was a good childhood. I mean, I remember bits and pieces, but to go into that detail with my parents allowed me to choose or not. Yeah, it's not there. I mean, I remember playing softball and that was and I don't know if that was my choice or not. I remember once wanting to be a cheerleader a Pop Warner cheerleader. And my parents had said, No, it's too expensive. So, I went out by the tree and started to cry, and I drew pictures of me being a cheerleader and my parents felt so bad. And then they came up with the money to allow me to be a cheerleader. But it sounds like your parents did are like the best with that you can. It is like giving boundaries and then letting them free rein to choose what they want to do and being OK with that choice.

Hilary: Mm hmm. Yeah. I see so many families that like parents have a vision of what they child, what their child is going to do or what they're going to be. And sometimes that plays out and other times it is a very different scenario than what those parents expected. And I think that's really hard for a lot of parents when you have this lofty goal of your child being the next basketball star and they want nothing to do with that. They want to be in the band instead. And I think both options are good options. But sometimes us letting go of what we thought was going to happen is the first step, which is probably the hardest step too right. So, I like that, you know, when you said, I don't like piano that your mom was like, That's fine. You know, I'm not going to push you on it if that's not what you love. That's OK with me. But let's find something else so we can continue to increase that talent. That's really cool.

Jen: So, I feel like Sage and I have both shared what our childhood is.

Hilary: Oh, let’s see

Jen: I want to know yours Hilary.

Hilary: You know, the reality is, is that we didn't participate in a lot of things growing up. Not necessarily. Yeah. I grew up in a large family as well. And so, it not necessarily was because my parents didn't want to give us opportunities. It was more so because of money. But I like that regardless of the fact that we were in structured activities that we were giving given chances to, to try things. And really, I think that's the key here is letting them try things and multiple things, right? Not just one thing, but lots of things. So, you can find your thing. What kind of gives you that drive in that motivation? What about around your home? I'm assuming there was lots of we, we talked about chores last week, so I'm assuming there was lots of things to do right around the home to kind of keep things running and functioning. So, what did that look like for you?

Sage: Good question, I think it changed a lot like as I was growing up. Being the oldest I saw like the time when like I didn't have to do chores and I could just do whatever I want to do for a while, until my mom realized, like there was a couple of years in between me and my next sibling, but then after that, they were pretty like two years apart. She was like, there's just more and more of them, like, I can't keep doing this all by myself. I feel like a lot of my roles in that aspect of my home was I was I was the babysitter. If things needed to happen, and my parents needed to go somewhere, if my mom needed to go somewhere, but I was still at work. Yeah, I was the one that was just like, ‘All right, I can try to keep everyone alive, like, I'll do my best. But with that, like there was daily things that we needed to do and need to do to help the house stay not on fire and not crazy for my mom, so she could have the time like breath and say, ‘OK, like this is this is fine.’ I feel like as a kid, I definitely didn’t understand that aspect. I was like, I just vacuumed yesterday and I don't understand why I have to do it again today. I just did it. She was like, ‘You kids are ridiculous, dirty. We got to clean it again.’

Jen: There's five of you carry dirt.

Hilary: It's amazing how many times the vacuum has to be pulled out every day. Yikes

Jen: I'm thinking of like when you turned 16, did that change? Because now you can drive and you have all of these younger siblings?

Sage: Oh yes, I was absolutely the chauffeur. I was the taxi. I became as soon as I could drive, my mom was like, ‘All right, so now you’re going to drive your siblings to school instead of me having to drive them to school.’ And like all these different things, she was like, ‘You take so-and-so to soccer practice, you take so-and-so to this and that and whatever else was happening.’ Yeah, that that was definitely a milestone. I was like, ‘Oh, OK, now I'm actually kind of the bigger kid, and I have to and can't just be like, Oh, well, I can't help because I can’t drive.’

Jen: So how did that like? I'm think I'm trying to think back when I turned 16 and had to drive. I don't think I ever took my brother anywhere. But my younger sister I, it was like I was in charge of her. And I love her dearly, but its kind of got really like, ‘This is not my job. I don't want to take her everywhere.’ I mean, did you ever feel anything like that? I mean, that's four people underneath of you that you know, you had to take care of, kind of.

Sage

I feel like in that time of my life, I was really busy. I played on like multiple different soccer teams at the same time, and I ran track. And just I feel like I was really busy and so I think sometimes I accidentally avoided some of those responsibility things. And I was like, I just was gone because I was on a different meeting or at a practice or something that was going on in my life. And so, it wasn't like a constant, constant thing. But whenever I was home, I was definitely like utilized as like someone that could actually be helpful in this aspect were like my brother had this like soccer practice. My other sister was doing like this dance thing I needed to do. Like one of them, I had to do the other. I'm sure I had times where I was just like, this is the worst thing, and I wish I couldn't drive anymore. But it's honestly like not a very prominent feeling in my head. Just about like when I was younger, I felt like I was pretty excited to drive. I was pretty excited to have that freedom. And my parents still allowed me to have that freedom and like, enjoy that. Well, when I was home and I could be actually helpful, it was like, ‘We do need your help.’ I was like, OK, I can do that.

Hilary: And I think that that's kind of key because I know I bet there's a lot of people in that same boat where they were the oldest siblings or one of the oldest, and they had to take on kind of that extra load. And I can see that being a huge burden to some kids where they essentially have to act as that that third parent or that a second parent. But it sounds like your parents did it right, where they kind of laid down the expectations, but also helped you to understand that this isn't your role. Your role is still to be a kid. But being a kid and being a part of our family also means that we ask for help with certain things when it's realistic, and we expect that you help us with that. And so, I like that they found that balance because I think that's a hard balance for a lot of parents to have when they finally realize that there is another person that can help with the carpooling and the, yeah, the task daily tasks that need to be done.

Jen: And I like Tiger Moms said back off, I'm the mom, I'm the mom. So, I think that's good. We sometimes we do put too much on our own. Even though they may be teenagers, they still need to be a teenager and not a mini you or anything like that. So.

Hilary: So, we have, I know that we have, listeners who, like I said, either our parents or maybe even young adults themselves that are trying to figure out, how do I, how do I successfully make this transition right? I'm moving out or I have moved out. I am no longer under my parents’ roof. And so, with your experience yourself, but also with people that you see, what helps with that transition? What are kind of the key things that we should know to make that smooth or as smoothly as possible?

Sage: I mean, that's a good question. When I first moved out, initially when I was 18, I went to school for the first time. I had this like kind of just really strong desire. It was like, I'm going to go somewhere kind of far away so that way I can really do this by myself. I can really be a big kid. So, I picked, I picked up here in Logan, I wanted to go to Utah State, I was like it’s two hours away. So, if I needed to go home, I could. But they also can't just come see me accidentally every day.

Hilary: Just far enough away that it takes a little bit of work to get there.

Sage: But somehow that didn't really happen. I still saw them all the time when I was like, ‘This is fine.’ But looking back now on that time when I was like, I want to be really big and really independent and try and do this by myself. I was still so grateful and I’m glad I did see my family. We have a lot of family up in Idaho and they would go up to go. There was a big remodel happening with one of the things I'm was doing a mental health or something, and that's something that my family, we did all of my life growing up years. We were modeling every house we lived in. And so, I was used to that and they're like, would you like to come help us? I was like, Why not? Like, I’ll come, it would be fun. But I feel like that time my parents had still a really open communication with me. And sometimes I kind of pushed back and I was like, Mom, I don't need you to check on you every single day, like, I'm going to be okay, I'm going to figure it out. I feel like having not. Openness with my parents and knowing that if I did need something that I could call them and that was still OK, it was still an acceptable thing. They did not expect me to have it all together right away and be like, Yeah, you're a college kid now. Have fun like, go figure it out. I think that was something that was really, really beneficial for me at that time. And now it's really different where I feel like I've been away for a couple of years and I was like, really far away when I was out living in Florida, and there was just a lot of different things that I feel like now I'm much more capable of living by myself. Even then I still call my parents, I'm like, Hey, I love you. I’m kind of stressed, How are you? Okay. Just like you're checking in and having that open, like if I don't need something, if I didn't help or advice or anything like that, I didn't know that I had someone that I could still turn to, even though I was trying to become this really independent person. My dad has always been the one that kind of was like, I want to prepare you, I want you to be ready for this kind of stuff. He's like, Let's talk budgeting. Let's talk how are you going to do scholarships? How are you going to do all this different stuff? And how are you going to make this work? And for me, that was kind of terrifying, and I was like, I don't want to do that. I don't want to deal with that. Like, that's scary. But just having that openness about it and saying this is going to be something you have to deal with, whether it's right now or in the future, like this is going to become a reality and we want to help you be prepared to face that. But we're not going to just make you do it all by yourself.

Hilary: So, when did it, when do those conversations start? Those big conversations about budgeting and finances and things like that?

Sage: I think my dad had tried to initiate them far before I left. And I was just like, ‘No, ok I think I’m good for now.’ I go, you know, I kind of did my own thing for a while. He was ready for when I finally did come around and I was actually up in college, and I was just kind of stress and overwhelmed like, Oh, OK, so maybe he was right about something. I do need to figure this out.

Jen: I have a more in-depth conversation like, you ready?

Sage: I was like, No, but I'm here so

Jen: But I do like the fact that he didn't shove it down your throat, because then that can make kids. Some kids go the complete opposite way, but he's like, OK, you're ready now you understand that we need to have some conversations. And so. I really like that. My sister, my oldest sister, has three girls and they live here in Logan, and all of the girls have gone to USU and they only live like ten minutes from USU. But one of their rules when is this when you go to start college, you go out and live on campus or around campus, you're not, you're going to live here anymore. I'm sure they said it in a very nice way, but that door is always open. Come home when you want to come home, but you're going to live, you're going to have a college life, you're going to learn how to live on your own. And I think that's really smart. Because they do now have the experience. Two I mean, two of them are married now and one's smart and good and productive.

Hilary: And it's funny because I, I think that sometimes we just think that 18 is like this magical age where you know your birthday hits and you turn 18. And all of a sudden it means that you know everything there is to know about life, right? And that you can successfully step out the door and everything will be OK. And we all know that is not the case for many, many people, most everyone, right? And so, I think that it's smart that we're making this a transition instead of a drastic step that we're having them take adult steps, but we're not having them take adult leaps, right? Because they may not be ready for that. And so, I like the fact that your parents are still saying, Yeah, I mean, we're here, we're always going to be here if you encounter a big, major problem. Of course, we would want you to come back to us and we'll be happy to brainstorm. We may not necessarily fix it for you, but we'll be happy to brainstorm ideas of how to help you with that. So, I think that's important for us to remember, you know, 18 isn't the age where we know all. I don't know what that age is, but I'm not there yet.

Jen: Your brain is still developing and growing until you're at least twenty-five. And really, our brain is always growing and changing and learning things. But really, that frontal cortex that we've talked a lot about over the past year really isn't fully developed till you're twenty-five. So, to put all that on an 18-year-old. And that frontal cortex is where your problem solving is, your good decisions, all of that great stuff.

Hilary: So, with your experience, it sounds like, like I said, your parents are smart cookies. They got it figured out. But with your experience, maybe with others that you've seen through your college experience. I don't want to say people that haven't figured it out, but anything that you've noticed that maybe those individuals have struggled with.

Sage: I feel like it really highlighted like the really good things about my growing up. It was a whole mess of all sorts of things as all of us have, right? Yeah. My parents often talked about how I was definitely the guinea pig. We screwed up on this one. We'll figure it out with the other four, like we have four other chances to get it right.

Jen: Well, then you look at the baby and they're like, we’re just done. So, do what you want.

Hilary: You want to be somewhere in the middle, right?

Sage: I feel like one of the big things that I really noticed was this expectation from the kids’ side of it where we think, OK, we're 18 now and technically we're allowed to like vote and stuff. So maybe we should have like some of our life together, we should be able to do this by ourselves. I don't. We have pieces of that experience myself. I watched a lot of other people around me, my roommates or my friend’s kind of doing the same thing when they were like, No, I need to figure this out all alone, I need to do this for myself. And I feel like that was something that was really huge for them when they were just really stressed and really anxious about this unknown of how do I do this, how do I live with myself and felt like they had to do it alone in lot of ways? I think that showed in whether it was they weren't as great as they weren't great at their schoolwork and making sure that was done, or they were late to everything because their time management skills weren't quite there. But we spent a lot of time in this like. I don't have to or shouldn't ask for help in this stage of my life, and I feel like that was something that was stressful and I, part of me wanted to prove my parents, I was big enough and smart enough and I can do this. I can. I can handle it. And the reality is like, at 18, I couldn't. And I had to come to that conclusion of like, OK, so I definitely can't do this by myself. And that's when I think a lot of things changed. But kind of step away for the first time realizing that maybe, hey, maybe I don't have all the skills that I need to be totally successful. Kind of a humbling experience, if you will, just realizing that. Being 18 doesn't mean that you have it all together and you don't have all the skills that you need to be at least a decently functioning adult.

Jen: I think those check ins with parents, when you when your kids are leaving the house, of just making sure you're having regular check ins to make sure that your children are doing all right mentally. You know their mental health is OK and, you know, all of their physical needs as well. But I mean, really just you're there to be that sounding board and, you know, going through and helping them problem solve. I remember my sister, she went to an out-of-state school when we lived in Arizona. She came up here to Utah for school and she failed a couple of classes her first semester and she was all distraught, like, what did I do? And my mom's like, Did you study? Did you go to class? Oh, that's something that you need to do because she wasn't used to failing. And so, she was freaking out. So just being that sounding board and maybe a reminder of, yes, you need to go to class and yes you need to study.

Hilary: And you know what, those probably those first few months of having your kids out on their own. There's probably a lot of those aha moments like, oh yes, if I don't pick up after myself regularly, my apartment is going to smell like garbage. And oh yes, my grocery bill is a lot more than what I anticipated it being. So, I can't eat out all the time like I was doing before. I think that that probably happens quite a bit in those initial stages. And as a parent, it's probably both really hard to watch, maybe even a little bit of fun, right?

Jen: It was fun. My stepdaughter, who was in her early twenties, she decided to take us all out to breakfast. Yeah, and it was her, her younger sister, my husband and I, and she got the bill and she's like, What? And I'm like, Yeah, that's what it cost when we take you all out to dinner.

Hilary: It's that validation we have been seeking for the past 17 years.

Jen: That's like, yeah, that's how much it cost. Now do you understand why we say just water? No soda, no appetizers.

Hilary: Right? But it's probably those little things like that that they're going to have to learn, and those little things will probably hit them initially. But you just smile and nod and say, You're right, sweetie. It does cost a lot to go out to dinner, doesn't it?

Jen: But 15-year-old always. If we go to Costa Rica, she wants two full quesadilla meals. And I'm like, you know, just right there, there's 22 bucks. Twenty-two dollars just on you. And so now that she has a job, I tell her, you can buy one and I'll buy one.

Hilary: Oh, adulthood isn't it glorious?

Jen: Adulting stinks

Hilary: I remember for Christmas, probably once I turned 16, my parents started giving us this part of our Christmas. A few of the presents that we would have received were adult ish type presents. So, pots and pans or dishes or things like this. And I remember opening up those presents thinking, You guys are so lame, really. You just gave me dishes and I'm 16.

Jen: Have you gotten this 72-hour pack yet? I have that. I got that and I'm like, Oh, thanks, mom and dad.

Hilary: But I remember getting those things and just rolling my eyes and putting them in the very back of the closet and wondering why my parents would do that to me. And then you hit 18 and 19 and 20, and you realize that these gifts are marvelous, right? Best gift ever. My parents were so smart in thinking of me and planning ahead so that I had some of these supplies that they knew that I would need. And so, you know, it's easy to roll your eyes as a teen, but parents are there thinking of us.

Jen: They’re smart most of the time. I think that we've shared great information, and I know we've probably focused on college and I know that there's kids out there that don't go to college right after high school and when to go to a trade school or whatever. But I think that transition and the advice that Sage has given us and things like that can apply to anyone when they're transitioning of moving out of the house. I also liked that we talked about how we can give our kids some independence when they're younger. It really does set them up for success when they do leave the house.

Well, we want to thank you all for joining us at the parent’s place. If you would like to reach us, you can email us at parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org or you can reach me on Facebook at Jen Daly-The Family Place. If you would like to receive weekly texts about parenting, you can text TFP to 33222. You can also go to our website thefamilyplaceutah.org if you're interested in any of our parenting classes, a couple classes there are all listed there. And a lot of them are virtual, so you can join us wherever you listen to us. We hope that you have a great week and we will see you back here next week.

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