Relationship Safety

All relationships have different types and levels of safety. MarLyn is here to teach us about three different types of safety in couple relationships. Come listen and think about what levels of safety you have or what to improve in your relationship!

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Jen: Hi, I'm Jennifer Daly

Hilary: and I am Hilary Anderson, we are your host for the Parents Place podcast.

Jen: We are so excited to have you here today. We have a great guest today. Her name is MarLyn and I am going to let her introduce a little bit about herself and what we will be talking about today.

MarLyn: Hi everyone. My name is MarLyn Hill. I'm an educator here at the Family Place. I have three kids. I've been working with kids for about 13 years and I have a degree in family life studies. The subject I'm going to talk about is different safeties in a healthy couple relationship.

Hillary: OK, well, we are excited to hear all about this. Now you talk about relationships and you talk about safety. What exactly do you mean when you refer to a safe relationship?

MarLyn: So, in this research that was done on couples, they found three different types of safety and they kind of paint a picture of it like being a pyramid. So, the bottom and key safety is physical safety. Then when you build on top of that, it's emotional safety. And the top tier of that is commitment safety. And ideally, if you have all of those things, then you're going to be able to have a healthy relationship and better communication in your couple relationship.

Jen: I love that you say its research based. That's always helpful because we know that there's been lots of studies on it and it's been proven and things like that. People, some people may hear her research and say, Oh, I think that's not my job. I don't really like doing that stuff, but I definitely see. The wisdom and having researched based information so that we know we're getting correct information. So, can we discuss like each level? So that we can get a little bit more information? And of course, Hilary and I will always put our two cents in.

MarLyn: Perfect! That's what I'm waiting for. All right. So, with physical safety, this is the foundation of the safeties, and it's harder to build on this if you don't have it or you don't have a lot of it. So physical safety looks like conflict being handled without the fear of physical, of things getting physical or without feeling threatened that that might happen. You feel physically safe around each other, and it's the freedom from that fear that you can build this build that helps build the safety. The one thing that people ask me in the classes that I teach are they say, “How can I get better at this?” Because, you know, it's great. Thanks for telling me that that's important. But how can we improve? So, any class or place you can learn about regulating your emotions or your energy and kind of getting in tune with yourselves, you understand yourself. That's a great way to help with physical safety issues because you can understand when you need to take a break and get away from a situation and then return and finish that conversation or that conflict in a healthy way.

Jen: We're learning how to regulate your energy and your emotions has helped me so much in my marriage. Of Just, recognizing when that energy is getting too high. I know my husband always likes to brag that he and I have never raised our voices at each other, and that doesn't mean that we've not had disagreements or frustrations with each other. It's just that we have been able to really take the things that we've learned here at the Family Place, of regulating emotions and energy. We've been able to take that and apply it to our marriage to where when we get to that spot of being frustrated or if we're having a hard conversation really being able to say just a minute. You go there and I'm going to go over here and we just need not to talk about it. And sometimes it's like we're going to go to sleep. You go to bed, I'll go to bed and we'll wake up tomorrow and discuss this again. But I do love the fact that we've never yelled at each other to because of the fact that we've both recognized that regulating our energy is super important.

MarLyn: Yeah, I love that because in all the classes I teach, this is part of it. Like, know yourself, know how you're feeling, and then you can step away or engage at the right time.

Hilary: OK, well, perfect. Now, go ahead and tell us about the next one.

MarLyn: OK, so we can build upon that physical safety. The next step is emotional safety, which makes a lot of sense. So emotional safety, I would define that as feeling like you can be yourself. You're not scared to say anything and not out of fear of, you know, some sort of physical attack or anything like that, but kind of an emotional you don't want to be pushed away or made fun of you feel like you can be yourself. You can say what you want to say and share your thoughts and your opinions. And that, to me, is that's kind of the epitome of what I think a healthy relationship is like. That's the one I thought of before I trained on this curriculum. That's what the main point of relationship is for me,

Hilary: And I feel like that is a skill that still most adults are trying to figure out how to have. I mean, and so besides therapy, how else does one get to that point where I can say what I want to say and have an opinion and not have others really care what that opinion is?

MarLyn: That's great. I mean, I feel like that comes almost everything comes to self-confidence and being able to communicate well. Self-confidence, I mean, there's a million ways to build self-confidence. Finishing something and having great self-talk is one way to have good self-confidence. And then if you can communicate well and say, like, maybe there is a time you shared something and you were hurt by the response, you say “That really hurt me. And, you know, I like to find a way to talk about that without it hurting me because I want to feel close to you”. So, the great thing about education is that if you feel like you don't have physical safety in your relationship or you don't have emotional safety, it's something you can work on. We wouldn't be here on this podcast if you didn't think you could improve on your skills. So, all of these things we can build on and communication is at the core of every class I teach. And so that's one great way to build all of these different types of safety.

Jen: And do you ever get to that point where you don't care about what going on?

Hilary: That's a tricky skill to grasp!

Jen: That it's hard because, yeah, I'm as old as I am and I still care what people say. I mean, hurtful things, really. They hurt. Mm-Hmm. And it's hard to come over, and especially if that is your spouse or your partner. I mean, it's even harder to overcome. But I always tell parents like building that self-worth and that self-esteem is so, so important within yourself. You can't make someone else do it. You've got to they've got to want to do it on their own. But I always tell parents, you know what, when you vacuum the floor, say, “Dang it, I did a good job of vacuuming that floor! It looks good!”. And just so that we get in that habit of. Recognizing that the things that we do and I have a lot of parents say, well, “Isn't that being prideful?” And I don't want to be prideful, I don't want to seem like I'm a proud person and I think we get hung up on the idea of, I can't say anything good about myself because that's going to make me look like I'm prideful. Now, if we're saying I'm the best person that can ever vacuum before, there's no and no one else can do it, then we got an issue. But if it's just I do a dang good job on vacuuming those 40, that's just fine. There's nothing wrong with saying we do good things. And I think even as spouses recognizing that stuff in our partners is super helpful and doing it in front of our children, lets them know that it's OK to do it, but it also lets them know mom and dad really support each other. And I think kids need that

Hilary: So how much of this? This is a pyramid that's geared towards couples. So, I think about that second level, that emotional level. How much of it is me working on myself individually and how much of it is us working on it together as a partnership?

MarLyn: That's really great. Actually, in the earlier part of this lesson is called “Do your part”. And it focuses on realizing like, we can't change other people right as much as we wish we could sometimes. So, if you're in a relationship where you would like to improve things, the focus is, do your part do what you can do. Focus your energy on things. You can change what's in your control. Their behaviors not, but your behavior is. So maybe if you're struggling with communication, you can improve your communication and they can see that. And I think it's honestly as strange as it is. A lot of these relationships’ skills are kind of like you working on yourself, doing your best and then honestly hoping and talking it through and seeing if they'll meet you in the middle. Mm hmm.

Jen: I think I don't know. I'm just thinking if I'm working on my skills really hard and trying to do what I can do to better myself, I just I would hope that my partner sees that and says, “Oh, I can…” like it's going to rub off.

Hilary: Yeah, yeah. It tends to have a trickledown effect that if I'm choosing to make changes, those close individuals around me tend to follow that same path to worry. I would hope that that would be the case.

MarLyn: And I loved what you were saying, Jen, about kind of taking care of yourself emotionally too. And I feel like it ties in so well with this, because if you take care of yourself emotionally and you know, you know how to treat yourself right and you know what you kind of deserve, you know you don't maybe you shouldn't be in this relationship where they aren't meeting you in the middle, or maybe they are treating you wrong. And that can also give you a kind of warning signs of maybe not a very healthy relationship as well.

Hilary: So, go ahead and tell us about that third level then.

MarLyn: OK. The third and top level of our little pyramid is commitment safety. When I first started training on this, I honestly was like, “What does this even mean?” This is probably my favorite because this is knowing having that safety and that feeling that you are in this together and you're in there for the long haul, right? So, if you think about something, like I live in an apartment and I want to fix it up, but I know I'm not going to be there for very long, so I don't want to spend the time and money on this when I know I'm going to leave. And that's the same in in a commitment safety relationship. So, like, I am willing to work on this with you because I know you're there for me and I know you're not going to split. Versus another relationship that maybe doesn't have that commitment, safety, and they're like, I don't know what to do. I don't want to work on this because I feel like they could leave any second. And so that's the safety, the final safety that's on the top.

Jen: And I think if you have if you're entering a relationship where you're like, I don't think this is going to last every long, you probably shouldn't go into that relationship.

MarLyn: Yeah! So OK, you feel safe physically, you feel safe emotionally. Now, if you don't feel like there's a great commitment safety, then maybe chat about that. And if it doesn't work out, then maybe go find someone that does value you enough to so you can have that commitment safety.

Hilary: So, you've got the pyramid. So obviously there's the three different tiers. But do you ever see that a couple has maybe that commitment tier, but not necessarily the physical or emotional tier or a combination of any of the three?

MarLyn: That's a good question. I think there's a possibility of having maybe like commitment safety, but I think that without those bottom layers, it's harder for it to grow. So maybe there is some, but it can't be like a solid or as strong as full as it would be if you've worked on those bottom layers first.

Hilary: Mm hmm. I mean, I'm just thinking of situations where maybe I'm committed to someone, but it's not necessarily. It's more so out of fear. And so, my commitment level is that I almost feel trapped because I don't have that physical safety or that emotional safety. And so, I'm in this committed relationship for maybe the wrong reasons where those other areas are lacking.

MarLyn: So, so true. Yeah, that's a great way. Like you do feel like you have commitment safety, but maybe it's not a healthy relationship because those bottom pieces are not there.

Jen: It’s not a healthy commitment. Because I'm just thinking, I mean, that's what a lot of men and women who experience domestic violence and whatnot experience. They have that high commitment because they are afraid to leave and that they know that this person is going to stay because. They're getting whatever they're getting out of the relationship by exhibiting harmful behavior. And I just that's the hardest thing to do because then your emotional safety, personal emotional safety is not there. Your self-worth isn't there. Yeah, you feel like this is what I'm worth. I'm going to stay. He's not going to go anywhere. She's not going to go anywhere. And so

MarLyn: That's interesting. When you were saying that, I kind of thought of an inverted flip like, so the big part is the commitment and then it gets smaller and smaller, which seems like it would be unhealthy. Because I'm too scared or I don't know where to go. And then all the others fall behind that which, oh, that's interesting.

Jen: When you can see if you're if you're visualizing it and you've got this, this commitment, that should essentially be the tip of the pyramid. And it's trying to balance these other larger tiers how easily it could fall over because it doesn't have those base foundations to it.

MarLyn: Yeah

Jen: I'm also thinking about lots of people want instant things. And for me, I'm thinking to myself, this pyramid is not an instant yes fix. It's not an instant fix, and it's not an instant. Oh, we got our pyramid. We're done. Mm hmm. I feel like this is something that. You have to work on for, forever.

MarLyn: Yeah, yeah. Don't be discouraged if you. Right now, you're thinking about your relationship like, oh, well, it's underdeveloped in these areas because it can be worked on and all these things, I mean, how many times have I personally been told the hard things are worth, you know, that's the hard things that take longer and more effort. Those are the things that are really worth it. And so, all these things can be strengthened.

Hilary: So, you talk about this pyramid with a couple of relationship, but is there a similar period that you can use with your children or even friends or family? Would you have some of those similar tiers?

MarLyn: You would think so. I mean, every I think every relationship should have physical safety, you know, I mean, I've never had a friend attack me, but you know, children to be able to connect well. I think any connection needs physical safety and emotional safety, and I don't know about. I mean, I think all of them would relate to all relationships. Maybe the commitment would be a little bit different because you're not relying so heavily on each other like the couple relationship. But I mean, a child needs to know that their parents, they're for them and that they can rely on then. And yeah, I think it can kind of fit with any relationship.

Hilary: So, in general, why is this such an important thing for a couple to have?

MarLyn: I think the focus is maybe it brings me back to that other pyramid we were talking about where the commitments on the bottom, maybe identifying where you were, where is your relationship strong and is it in the right order? Do you feel physically safe? Do you feel emotionally safe and do you feel that commitment safety? And I think so much of these education programs that we have and that are available to us is giving us information and then we analyze how we're doing on that and improve on that.

Hilary: Yeah, I love that I love, I think it's so easy for us as a society to be able to use the term good relationship or healthy relationship. But when we actually boil it down to try to define it, it's I mean, what exactly is a healthy relationship? What does that look like? What does that entail? What are the components of that? So, I love having a visual where we can look at that and use it, like you said, as an evaluation tool to be able to say for us as a couple, where are we with these three tiers? What do we need to improve on? What goals do we want to make for the future? Let's truly try to define what good or healthy means for us.

MarLyn: Yes, and a visual learning aid. So, it's not just words in your head. Something you can actually look at and kind of measure.

Jen: I think also that, you know, we may get into a spot in our marriage where our pyramid might be really, really strong and then life happens and something happens in the middle part isn't going so great. So, we've got to go back and work on that middle part, rejuvenate it, whatever it may be, because of that life experience. And so not only is it just continue or sometimes with our strength. Oh, there's work all the time,

Hilary: And it's true. You think about normal, everyday life situations that are going to affect this pyramid. We're not necessarily talking about, you know, a breach in trust or in commitment, but even basic things like if my partner were to lose a job or we have a new baby or we move to a new home, those are all things that for the most part, those changes occur and they're good changes. But they still are going to cause that pyramid to take a shift from time to time because other things are going to be put into focus that maybe weren't in focus before.

MarLyn: Yeah. Any added stress or any change, you have to adapt to that and build the pyramid along with that. I love that.

Jen: It reminds me of that, “Happiness is not a destination. It's a journey”. Yes, and a happy relationship is not a solution, either. It is a journey, for sure.

Hilary: Well, any other closing thoughts that you would share with us?

MarLyn: I do want to point out, if you feel like you need to work on any of these in your relationship, there's a lot of resources. Feel free to Google around you, especially if you have concerns about safety in your relationship. Physical safety in your relationship, there's a lot of resources and take care of yourself and make sure you are in a healthy relationship. And if it's something you aren't sure you can patch up, then take care of yourself and find those resources.

Jen: How do I say, you know. Sometimes we're really hard on ourselves, we can be hard on our relationship and ourselves. And you know what, if you find yourself in a not healthy relationship? Remember to be kind to yourself. Look for those resources and look to see if it can be something that can be repaired. And if not, again, be kind yourself and take the steps that you need to take to make sure that you're safe in all areas.

Hilary: Yeah. Well, I mean, we talked a few weeks ago about change, and the reality is that making changes is never easy, but we can make changes in our own life. And it's nearly impossible to force someone else to make change. But as you mentioned, that needs to be something that they decide upon. And so, if it's almost up to us to recognize where we need to go from here and what we need to improve on, and move forward with that mindset, that idea that if I can get myself to a healthy state of mind, then the better off I will be and hopefully the better off our relationship will be too.

Jen: All right, we want to thank MarLyn so much for coming and being with us today on our podcast. Hope that you were able to find some good little pieces of information there that you can try out this week. Try out building your own emotional safety bank or working on it together with your spouse. But pick one of those spots on the pyramid and see what you can improve on and see what you're already doing great at. So, if you would like to get in, if you would like to get in touch with Hilary or myself, you can reach us at parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org or you can find me on Facebook. Jen Daly Dash, the family place. We thank you again for coming, and we will meet you back here next week.

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