Kids are not all that different from us! They like to have a set time, space, and supplies that will help them lead to success. MarLyn spent some time with us to give us some tips for helping children with their homework and supporting them better with their learning in general.
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Hilary: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast. My name is Hilary,
Jen: I’m Jen
Hilary: We are excited to have you guys here today. We appreciate all you wonderful listeners out there. So, we are excited because we have one of our colleagues here, MarLyn, who is one of our family educators, and she's going to talk about a topic that. A lot of us parents, hate, in all honesty. So, it's a good one to bring up, and that is the topic of homework. We need like a dun dun dun after that.
Jen: I was going to go
Hilary: Because I don’t know about you, but I don't know very many, if any, families that stand up and say, I love homework. It is amazing. It is such a great opportunity to spend time with my children. It’s not the case.
Jen: No, It's a horrible opportunity. Fights, Yelling, screaming, crying.
Hilary: Yeah, for both parties. Right? For children and adults in general. And so, I think we can all agree on the fact that homework is a battle in many, many households, regardless of their ages, right? Whether you're talking about a kindergartener or an 11th grader. Yeah, it's probably still a struggle. And so, we're excited to have MarLyn here so she can share some of the tips, the techniques, the things that we can do with our kids to hopefully ease the burden to an extent. Maybe decrease the tears, hopefully bring out a few more smiles. Maybe that's part of the process. So, I know there's a lot that you want to share, but maybe let's start with, I'm just thinking the basics. So, looking at your home like, let's sit, let's set the stage for what exactly your homework area should look like.
MarLyn: I like these about, so I'm one of the suggestions they have is that they have their own place to do. It's a designated space. Maybe it's not full of clutter that would drive me crazy. And you know, they have their supplies and I don't think it has to look a certain way, but maybe feel a certain way for the child. Make sure they're comfortable there and they have what they need, so they're not getting distracted.
Jen: So, do you think this needs to be a separate like? I know lots of people use the kitchen table. So, does it need to be separate from the kitchen table or that's just the kitchen table. That's the homework table.
MarLyn: That's a good thought. I know, like, I don't have the space to have a different room. You know, I don't have like an office space or anything, but maybe have it cleared off for them, which is really hard, you know, have it. So, it can be the kitchen table, it can be the traditional place, but make sure it's not clutter and it's clean and they have their pens and pencils and things like that, and that can become a routine. And yeah, it doesn't have to be a separate space. It can just be a special space and you make it special.
Jen: Because, I'm just thinking like, Oh, today is the kitchen table. Today it's the family room coffee table. You know, tomorrow it's a hard book under you as you sit on the bed. Yeah, that could be. And I really like how you brought it up in a routine situation that this is where we always do it and making sure that that space is picked up and cleaned so they can do it.
Hilary: Yeah, yeah. I'm just thinking of my daughter. She is. She's real good at wasting time, and she's even better at finding things to distract her. And so, I thinking, I love the idea of just having all of the supplies there because she'll be in the middle of homework and think, Oh, I need to grab an eraser, and then she'll run somewhere in the house, and 10 minutes later, I'm pulling her back. We got a blue crayon, but I didn't get a red crayon. And so, I love thinking. All right, we're going to find this space and we're going to fill it up with all the supplies
Jen: You could have, you know, like those little cleaning totes that they have with two sides and you could fill one up with crayons, pencils, erasers
MarLyn: And you just pull it out and signifies homework time. Yes, that's the stage. I like that.
Jen: That way, she doesn't have to say, oh yeah, I go being a purple crayon now.
MarLyn: Yes, it's all there. You don't have to leave for any reason whatsoever.
Jen: They don't understand that prolonging it doesn't mean they get away with not doing. It just means it takes 10 times longer right now.
Hilary: OK, so you've set the stage, you've got your space, you've got your supplies. Now I need the kid, right? So. So let's talk about I mean, for a child or a teen, even what did they need to do even to prepare themselves for homework? Are there any tips in regards to even getting them ready?
MarLyn: I love that you ask that. So, I like to think of it as like when we come home from work or a busy day. You don't like to jump straight into doing something else, so give them some quiet time. Give them and maybe theirs make it a routine. Again, those are so important for kids every day. My kids used to go jump on the tramp for 30 minutes and then we do homework. So, they have that break time like adults aren't that different from kids. And, you know, like we like to wind down. You don't want to jump straight into something else. And with children, they also have this need to feel like they're in control, which is good. We have this same thing, too, and it's suggested that we let them choose when they do it. I can see this going well with some kids, and maybe not others, but you can work on it, so you're giving them a choice of what you need to get your homework done. Would you like to do it before dinner or after dinner? And if they can make that choice, they feel a little bit more responsible. They might follow through a little bit better and they feel like they have some control in their life.
Jen: And I think reminding them on those days, OK, remember you chose to do your homework after dinner. We're going to do it after dinner. But I like that, you said, giving them a little bit control. And I like how you say in giving them choices because some people are like, OK, I'm going to give my kids control. When would you like to do your homework whenever you would like just to order the.
MarLyn: I like to say like boundaries with choices in life. We have to do your homework. When do you want to do?
Jen: Yeah. Because you tell some kids and they'll say, I don't want to do it. It's kind of like asking them, will you please do this? I mean, we can always add please and thank you in there. But when you say, do you want to do this? Well, heck, I don't want to do it either.
MarLyn: That’s a solid no. All the time, I’m like, do you guys want to come help me clean up the front room with me and they’re like, No, no. And I'm like, why do I always ask as a question?
Jen: Because then you kind of have to follow through because that's how you phrase you phrased it. And so, unless you want the battle, I guess, and I don't ever want to battle, so I don't phrase anything as a question.
Hilary: Well I'm even thinking, I love the idea of giving them a kind of that freedom in regards to homework. And if you do it, if you are one of those parents, it's like, No, I don't want to give them an option. They just need to have it done. I think that it's easy to find other ways to give them choices as part of that process. And so maybe, maybe you say, you know, it's time to do homework. Do you want to start with math or do you want to start with reading? Do you want me to sit next to you? Or would you rather sit down on the couch by yourself this time? I mean, I think there's other ways to incorporate that freedom. If you feel uncomfortable giving them the option of the time.
Jen: Do you want a glass of water or a glass a glass of milk while you do your homework?
Hilary: Do you want this snack or that snack, there's so many ways to break down choices and they feel like they have that control, but they're still being successful in getting their homework done.
Jen: I had one parent say that they gave their child the option of doing the homework, the day of the homework or in the morning before they went to school, and they found out that child didn't want to do it before he went to school and because he wanted to sleep, of course, yes. And this is he's like, what do I do? And I said, this is when you kind of have to say, Hey, it's seven o'clock in the morning, dude. Wake up, you're doing your homework. So, if you're going to give one of those choices like that, you've got to make sure that they follow through because if you don't, then it's just like that inconsistent slot machine of, you know, maybe I'll win this fight this time, but not next time.
MarLyn: Yeah, that's great. I love that you brought that up because it also talks about natural consequences. And I think this can work for some ages, not others. But if, they're my parents did this, like, I wait until 11 o'clock at night and I start writing a paper and then I get anxiety and then I start crying and they're like, Well, you know, like, I mean, they comfort me, like, it looks like you're going to school without your paper and the next time. So, with some ages and some kids, they can learn, I didn't do this last name. I got a bad grade and it felt awful, and they can learn from their experiences.
Jen: So that's a big thing for my step daughter. That's a huge thing. I got a bad grade in her school. She's lucky enough to be able to redo assignments to get better grades. And so, but for her just to get that bad grade, you know, she considers a B plus a bad grade. Oh my. So, I'm like, oh honey, if I graduated high school with C’s, I was happy.
MarLyn: I love the opportunity that brings up to be like, how did you feel when you didn't get homework done? Like, it's a really great emotional connection opportunity. And I remember last time you did this, you felt really stressed and disappointed in yourself. So, let's and you can encourage them that way.
Hilary: So, speaking on that. I got a little one, I won't name names, that likes to waste, as I've mentioned, waste a lot of time. And oftentimes we're sitting at our table for much longer, the one that needs to be. So, any tips on maybe those kids that just are fighting the good fight and are taking their sweet time? And what do you suggest at one point, do you cut them off and say What's done is done? Do you pause it and save it for the next day? What would you suggest with those little ones that like to stretch out that time?
MarLyn: There's a couple of things that come to mind. You could do breaks if you say, let's hit to question five and then mean you will go run around the house three times or, you know, just have a little checkpoints or I have a nephew that if you got to the letter P when he was practicing, he'd get popcorn. And, you know, so just little things like that. And then you can also incentivize it talks about not rewarding good grades, but instead of rewarding progress. So, you can acknowledge, I know this is really hard for you. Let's get to here, you know, and then maybe next week, like, remember last week you got this far. Let's try to go a little further because I know you can do it. And that's what I have to do with my daughter because the tension just isn't there. And I mean, she struggles in school, but and I'm with her teacher, like, she didn't do the whole thing, but she got this far, and depending on the situation, you might feel to work something out with the teacher. Let's encourage progress and not perfection, necessarily.
Jen: Kind of like creating breaks, I remember for me in college, I hate math, it's like, oh, for all of you that love math, I'm so proud of you. I really feel like we should always be an advocate for all subjects. And so, I really had to catch myself to say not to tell kids I hated math. But even in college, I had it was so hard for me when I was taking the statistics class because those are all story problems. I despise story problems, and so I would have to go over to my brother in laws and get tutored on how to do this. And oh, I would. But one problem. OK, let's talk about this topic. Yeah, just to prolong and avoid. I don't know if it's necessarily prolonging, but it's more avoidance because it is hard. So, imagine that child that's really struggling. And how are you going to make them do a whole worksheet of math problems or grammar or whatever it may be? Sure, you're you don't want to do it. It's really discouraging. And also, it doesn't make you feel good about yourself.
MarLyn: And I love cater to each child like, you know, your child. And you know where they are. And if you don't, you know, just pay attention, ask them. And just encourage. I love encouraging progress because my one of my little ones that is behind, she gets so discouraged and like, no, look how far like, remember where you were last year and look where you are now because we don't want shame to be like associated with homework. If we're trying to make it a better situation, don't make them feel worse about where they are and how they're doing.
Hilary: Well, I have a little one who struggles with that need to be perfect and to seek out that perfection. And because of that, homework is a struggle for us because everything needs to look exactly the way that she wants it to look. And we've gone through many erasers to make her homework look up to her standards. And we've had a lot of talks about that that, well, there are times when your teacher wants you to do your best work and we're going to slow down during those times and we're going to work to the best of our ability. But then there's other times where we can go quicker, or it might not have to look perfect depending on the assignment that it is. And so, we've had that discussion many times that, you know what? It may not be the ideal, but you're trying your hardest and that is all your teacher and me as a parent is asking of you, is that you're trying your hardest?
Jen: I was just thinking, like, you had talked about talking to your teacher. You're talking about letting them know when they're having issues. And I think that's an important part of it. If your teacher knows that this is a hard thing for your child, that this isn't their greatest subject or whatever it may be, if we talk to them and have that open communication of, Hey, number one, this is a nightmare at home. I'm trying to get them to do the whole entire sheet, but it really is a huge struggle and it's affecting our family. Yeah. Or, you know, all my child's worrying about perfection, talking to them and letting them know so that they have an idea of what's going on. And maybe you can work out that, OK, this is this is the minimum of what I want in 10 problems or three questions or whatever it is just so that I know that they understand the concept.
Hilary: My daughter has a really good first grade teacher right now that basically said at the beginning of the school year that if homework ever becomes a burden to let me know because we do not want that to be the case. And so, and then we'll make adjustments if needs be. But she flat out said that if this is too much of this is becoming a load that you or your child can't take anymore. We need to know that. But if we don't tell our teachers, they will never know. So, it's up to us to be able to communicate that back and forth so they can make adjustments. So, let me ask this because I'm thinking about my situation and you mentioned MarLyn about being able to cater to your child. One struggle we have in our house is that we have three different kids doing homework, and their homework looks different depending on their teacher, their grade. What do you do about battles in regards to differences in homework just amongst siblings?
MarLyn: That's a tough one. I have heard suggestions of doing them at separate times, but that's not always realistic. You know, if you have so many kids and you have things you need to do, that's not always possible. But if there I feel like a lot of younger kids, my nieces that are younger have so much homework and I don't know, you can explain to the older ones or whoever is upset, like at different times you have to learn the basics. And that's more, you can kind of squash it out like that. Or, you know. I'm so sorry. You know, like I. Different teachers have different rules, and that's so life is tough.
Jen: But I think validation is a huge thing, though validating. I understand that this is frustrating. I understand that you don't want to do all this work, but this is what we have. And, maybe, you know, like we've talked about of breaking it up, so it's not so much at one time. But I do really believe in validation just so that they know they've been heard and that you understand how they're feeling.
MarLyn: I love that a lot of the times I also struggled with math. So, when my when one of my daughters is struggling like, you know, math is so hard for me to like, I understand and you don't want to do the work, but also like, you don't have to be perfect at it because guess what? You're good at this, this and this, and it's OK. If this is hard for you, I'm here to help you. You know, kind of focus on their strengths and make that help them realize that not everything has to be a strength, but we still have to get this homework done. Yeah.
Hilary: So, we bring up math. What do we do in these scenarios where the homework is too hard for us as parents? I feel like we are entering this like new world where we're looking at our child's homework and we're thinking, gosh darn it, I can't help you with this anymore.
MarLyn: My daughter is on fractions and I'm already like, you’re only in fourth grade and I don't know how to help you with your homework.
Hilary: I think a lot of parents are there where they they're like, Well, good luck with that. I wish you well. But try not to fail at this.
MarLyn: think that's another great time to reach out to the teacher and have that good communication set up, maybe when you can go in. I last week I went in and my daughter's teacher showed me, they do it, they just do it. It's a Montessori school, so they do it in like this unique way and they say the weirdest words. You know, they don't say borrowing anymore. They say something else. So, I just met with her for 20 minutes and she showed me how they do it and what the words they use are. And I'm like, Oh, like, it's the same math, but it was just different. So, I think having that good communication with the teacher and maybe, maybe if you let her know that if enough kids are struggling, they can set up some sort of support for that as well.
Jen: YouTube is always a great place too. You can Learn the math on YouTube.
MarLyn: Yeah, it's just it's so interesting because I feel like. These kids are going to be far smarter than we are, and they're learning so much that I think, yes. Yes, a fourth grade and that's about my yeah, my max, right?
Jen: I wish they could have like the teachers could because they all use canvas since the pandemic. And so, if they could upload little videos of the parent videos, this is how do it.
MarLyn: Right? And that be even more helpful for maybe parents who work who can't make, you know, a visit to the school. Maybe you could suggest that just record it on their phone and they send it to you.
Jen: Just one or two problems show us how it is. Yeah, put it up on canvas so we can all access to it.
MarLyn: Getting creative.
Hilary: So, let's talk a little bit more about the incentives that we can incorporate, because I know, like you mentioned, we don't necessarily want to reward them for every homework assignment they're accomplishing. But for some kids, having something to motivate them definitely helps. And so, is there anything that you see that works that would be effective with those little ones that might just need a little bit of extra “umph” to get it done?
MarLyn: I agree with my daughter. I have a little chart. And so, if she read so many books, she covers it in and then she earned something. And my other daughter is actually saying, like, why don't I have a chart? And I said, if you want to learn to do something that's hard for you, you can have a chart. So, I for me, I used to just give him a reward for everything, and I've learned from past failings that that's not going to do well because then they want to reward for everything. But if it's hard for them, you can reward their progress. You picked, you know, a Beanie Baby, whatever. And I made a lot of, you know, there are a lot of attention to color and it wasn't like 10. But I think that rewards for progress again, not perfection can work as long as it's not for every single thing, it's this thing that's really hard for them.
Jen: Rethink also non-monetary rewards work as well. I always like to fall back on love languages of what? How are they really going to appreciate this? Is it spending time with me as a parent and you know them choosing the game or me sitting down playing a video game with my child that I have no idea on how to play it? But now I can tell him or her teach me, and they can see that there's hard things for me too, but you're creating that bond. Do you want to go to the park? I mean, there's lots of non-money rewards that you can do it, that kids love.
MarLyn: Yeah, I love that. I hadn't thought about that because honestly, I can't have any more Beanie Babies in my house. I'm going to explode. But I love that because those are more meaningful because, you know, the Beanie Baby is cool for a week and then it's under the bed. But I love that idea. And then you're creating that positive attachment even more almost like you're tricking them into hanging out with you.
Jen: That's right, Come to me, child. Well, why don't you just kind of close up with any last thoughts or ideas that you have on how we can make this more successful in our home again?
MarLyn: I've mentioned a couple of times, but routines are so helpful. Kids push back, but that's it's for their own good. And if you are consistent with that, they can they really benefit from that. I've seen that with my own kids. Again, so routines designated place and you can do your best to be near them so they can reach out to you and ask for help. I used to ball my eyes out when my mom would just walk three feet away from you and us doing my homework. So be there as much as you can and get creative and make sure you have a good connection with their teacher, too. I think that's important.
Hilary: Thinking about my own daughter and sometimes she'll get in the in the habit of asking me for help with every question that she has. Mom, I can't do this one. And then she'll pause as if she doesn't know how to handle it at that point forward. And so, we've gotten in the habit as I've gotten into a habit of saying to her, if you can't quite figure one out, go ahead and move to the next one or move to the following one after that finish as many as you can, and then we'll come back to those ones that maybe you don't quite know how to do. This is in regards to math. So obviously this doesn't work with some other subjects, but I'm always still there, but I want to give her the chance to work through as many as possible. And then once she's done that, then I'm right there to help her out with those other ones. So, you know, you don't necessarily have to be sitting next to them that whole time, but be in their presence so that they still feel that support.
MarLyn: Yeah, you're available to them. I love that. So, they're not like, all right, mom, help me finish this one. But oh, now I feel like I can't do the next one. I love that idea.
Hilary: Well, we wish everyone well.
Jen: Everyone's in our thoughts, wishing you're putting out good vibes,
Hilary: But in reality, I think there are definitely some things that we can do as parents and caregivers to. Up the effectiveness of this homework battle and really just make it a happier situation just by doing those simple things to change our mindset, our atmosphere, you know how we're communicating with our child. It's yeah, you can see significant differences by doing small things.
Jen: Well, we want to thank you for coming in today, MarLyn and talking with us. We want to thank our listeners for tuning in. If you would like to reach Hilary or myself, you can email us at parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org or you can reach out to me on Facebook. Jen Daly – The Family Place. If you would like to receive weekly texts, you can text TFP to 33222 and we hope that you have a great week. I challenge you to choose one little thing to work on with your kids with homework. And again, if you would like to attend any of our virtual classes, you are welcome to do that. If you would like to find out what is being offered, you can go to TheFamilyPlaceUtah.org. We hope you have a great week and we'll see you back here next week.
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