As our kids get older, they become more and more independent. Along with everything that goes along with the teenage years, friends play a big role in this time of their life. As parents, what do we do when we do not necessarily get a long with our children's friends? Today, Jen and Hilary answer this question and give tips to navigate this part of life.
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Jen: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast with Hilary and Jen.
Hilary: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast. Thank you all for being here and thank you for our new listeners as well as our seasoned listeners. Is that the right word to use for it, our veterans.
Jen: Yes, that is a good word
Hilary: Steady Freddy's. Those that continue to listen. We love you both. So, so for our podcast episode today, we have a question that was brought to our attention that we wanted to discuss and this question is kind of near and dear to my heart because I feel like I am just entering that realm of my life, so I'm curious to see if you've had experience with this Jen. But the question that was asked was as a parent, what do I do when I don't like my children's friends?
Jen: Yep.
Hilary: So have you dealt with that with your step kids before?
Jen: I've never met them. They're friends. It is more. She talks to me about them and what I. What she talks about with some of them, I'm like that's not the best influence and. You shouldn't be dealing with that. You're a 16/17 year old girl and that is far too much for you to deal with. That's an adult's role.
Hilary: Mm-hmm.
Jen: But this girl’s parents aren't in the like very. Supportive she has an eating disorder. So she's been in and out and in and out of all of these rehab centers and. And it's just not sticking. She'll be out for a couple of weeks to a month, and then she's falling right back into her old things. And so her parents just hurry and stick her back in to a rehab. And I'm like, that's too much for you to deal with.
Hilary: And as and your stepdaughter being a supportive friend is trying to assist during this process, which is just too big for her to do, yeah.
Jen: Great. Yeah. Yeah. So she's got some other ones, just like I'm like. When you were nine, I never thought at 18 or 17, these would be your group of friends. Never envisioned it, but I also feel like I've got to be somewhat supportive for her.
Hilary: Yeah, yeah. Well, it's, it's. Interesting. So you guys as you guys know, I've got an older son, a middle schooler, and as I was thinking about this, this topic, I thought to myself. you know. I can remember I. Mean still with my. Younger kids it. Was friends were so much easier because. I am someone that likes a lot of control. And you know that.
Jen: I would never guess
Hilary: And it was easy when your kids were little because you were the ones that were usually setting up the play dates and so you could strategically pick. Oh, would you like so and so to come over today? Or oftentimes I even think about my experience with my kids. That, you know, oftentimes it was I was getting together with a friend. And so then they would be playing with that friend's children. So it was easy, right? Because I knew them. I knew the family we were setting up the events and organizing the things. And even with my older elementary kids, I still do that to a small extent. But you know. You don't set up play dates for middle schoolers. If that was up to me, they probably wouldn't have a large circle of friends.
Jen: I was going to say your middle schooler might not like that.
Hilary: It’s Interesting to have him. In middle school because he will. Talk to me about these kids and talk to me about these friends that he's hanging out with, many of which I have no idea. You know, he'll list names and he'll say so and so. And we did this with this person and this person, you know that person. And I never know any of these people. Which I don't like being so out of the loop because I never felt this way before. Always. I felt like I've been very well informed as to who they're with and where they're going and what they're doing and so. My little like control gripping hands or like falling away and I don't like this feeling I’m experience.
Jen: Probably a sense of what? Is what I have taught him enough? Yeah. And I think that. Is the hard part. Is have we taught them enough to make good decisions and even if their friends aren't the best or what we would ideally want for them? Have I taught them enough?
Hilary: Well, and and that's you know, I was thinking about that concept because. You know, again with some of my younger kids, I feel like maybe this is a little too much, I'll be honest. But I feel like I could have sway them more so about, you know, this is this, this friend's a good friend. They're really nice. Don't you notice that you see that more time with them. And I and that's not the case as your kids going to, I think they're going to decide who they want to be friends with and who they want to spend their time with. And the hard thing is, is that if we try to forbid right or say hey, I don't like that person exactly. It's going to do one of two or three things, A they're just going to sneak around and still continue to be with that friend or B, if they do choose to follow what we're saying. Think about the awkward. Position you're putting yourself in, you're putting your child in. You know when they show up to school and this friend comes up and says. Hey, do you want to hang out? And and we have directly told our child you can't hang out with him. What are? They supposed to say to that person. And my mom doesn't like you, I can't do that anymore, you know? And so you think about the position you put your child in when you set that standard. And that's a tricky place to be. And you know, I was reading a post about this, but somebody commented about how you know. Friends, especially for teens, they're confidence and so of course they talk to one another and they provide comfort and support. And so if we forbid our child to hang out with that friend, chances are they'll probably still hang out with that friend, and then they'll probably go to that person and say, hey, guess what? My mom hates you. And then what happens is we become the enemy. We don't necessarily want to be put in that role. Yeah, you know, if our child is going to continue to have a relationship with that person, although we may not love that person, we still, I think, want to be on talking terms where they're comfortable coming over to our house.
Jen: Yeah. Well, I think if you have your child and you're like. OK, I may not really like this person, but they are their friend. I have good communication with my child. Yeah. That's what I want to keep. Yes, they're going to probably turn to their peers more often, but that communication is still open to where you're like. You can ask questions and not have them get defensive.
Hilary: Yes. Yeah, that was the advice that I had someone tell me one time. They said, you know. Oftentimes, as parents, I don't think we know the full picture, right? I mean, we're not spending that time that they're spending with them. So we may not necessarily even know why they have gravitated towards that person. You know what they find appealing about that person. So I love that you bring up just asking questions, sitting down with your child and saying, hey. Tell me about Johnny. What do you what are you like hanging out with him? You know, what do you guys do together? What type of interest does he have? And I think just by opening up that conversation, we could find out a lot about these friends and that might guide us in coming to this aha moment as to Oh yeah, I can. You know, maybe Johnny's not who I thought he was. Oh, wow. Johnny seems like he's a great asset to your life. And I didn't recognize that before. And so I think just coming to our kids, like you said, with sincerity, saying talk to me. And I think sometimes having those conversations, having those open, honest conversations, if we can do so strategically, we can help kids come up with the realization on their own that that person may not be the best person to be with.
Jen: Yeah. You know, because I think there are those kid relationships to where? UM. One friend or their friend is taking a lot of advantage and so I think that communication is just, yeah, just key. It reminds me of the podcast that we did several months ago with oh, I'm going to be bad and I can't remember his name? But he talked to us about teens and how to be positive and motivated and things like that and just asking those open-ended questions. You don't want to ask those yes, no questions, yeah.
Hilary: Well, and even, you know, we talked in this podcast a lot about identifying and validating feelings and whatnot. And I even think, I mean, I I'm thinking specifically, I have a friend that one of my kids had. Who was more so on the bossy scale. You know, and so. You know, just having a conversation with my daughter, as to, you know, when you're around this person, how do you feel? You know, because maybe they haven't identified it and maybe it's not a problem to them. I actually love being around that person. It's really fun.
Jen: I don't have to make any decisions.
Hilary: Exactly. And so I think sometimes kids gravitate towards certain kids because, yeah, it feels comfortable. I don't being the boss, they like that roll. Guess what? We're both equally OK with that. And so if that is the case, then that's probably fine. But I think helping kids come up with that all with their own realization, where they might say, Oh yeah, I really don't like when she always has to pick the game and then we can validate and say. Yeah, that would be really frustrating. You know, I can understand why you would feel that way. Do you feel that way a lot with that friend. And so, you know, even just having something like that where they might come to that realization themselves of, maybe I really don't want to devote so much of my time and energy to a relationship that makes me feel less than fantastic.
Jen: Yeah. And then you're the good guy still.
Hilary: Exactly right. We don't have to wear the label of the enemy by saying that person is bad news. That person is awful. No, help them figure that out on their own. And like you said, especially with your teens, you're going to at some point in your life in their life. Pardon me, developing relationships in general is. A lifelong skill we want our children to possess, and we can't always do that for them. So you know I have somebody. That gave me the advice one time, they said. You don't have to be friends with everyone. But you do need to find a way to be respectful to most everyone. If not everyone, right? Yeah. And so, I think that's a good skill for children to recognize that there are some people that I'm going to mess with real well. And then there's going to be others that they we just for whatever reason do not mention and. That's OK. Yeah, right. Yep. We don't have to be friends with everybody, but if I choose not to be friends with them, I still want to be respectful. Be polite, make sure they feel safe, make sure I feel safe, right, and so. I think that's a good lesson to learn in our society.
Jen: I remember I had to tell an adult friend that I guess she wasn't a friend. A coworker really wanted to be friends. And. Just didn't mash. She's like I want to be one of those people coming to your office and eat lunch. And I said you're more than welcome to come. And she's like with. That you won't be my friend. And I'm like. My mom always told me you didn't have to be friends with everyone, but I have to respect everyone. Yeah, and they said you are more than welcome to come. But is it best for me to hang out with you after work? Probably not. Yeah, those are hard conversations to have as an adult. But I also see, you know, talking about, you know, kids who, like, I don't have to make decisions. I like this about her. I like. That about. I find. I mean even now me hiring people. I hire people who don't who have skills I don't have. And so I have a lot of extroverts that I hear because I'm an introvert.
Hilary: And I think that's. A good reminder for us as. Parents that I think. And and and really, this comes to us, this doesn't necessarily have anything to do with our child or our child's friend, but it has to do with us and our perspective. But I think if we have, parents can recognize that there is good in each and every friend relationship that our child has because like said. There is something. That is going to be learned from each and every experience, yeah. And sometimes those experiences are, hey, I don't appreciate how that person said that to me. That's a lesson learned, though. And so I think, you know, we're kids and especially these preteens and teens are still trying to figure out. Who they are and what they want to be and where they fit in this world, I think having these different relationships, these different friendships can help them to figure out do I want to be that artsy person? Do I want to be that athletic person? Am I an introvert? Am I an extrovert, you know? And so, every friend is going to help them, I think, to develop those skills and characteristics in themselves. And I think sometimes they'll learn. Hey. I don't want to be like that and that's a great thing to learn at an early age. Yes, we would rather have them learn that when they are young than when they are 30 and still trying to figure out, you know, who they are and what they want?
Jen: I always liked love and logic for that. Learn your lessons when you're young and the price tag is small. I've always loved that.
Hilary: Yeah, yeah. And that's true. You know, the thing that's been interesting to me with my son and I've had other parents give me this warning because I think oftentimes with our kids. When they are, when they have a friendship that we that we like and that we appreciate and for whatever reason, they are no longer friends, there's it's hard to see right. There may be a little bit of a mourning process, but we're like, oh, why don't you still hang out with so and so? And why aren't you still friends with them? But I think that it is normal for kids to bounce around when it comes to friend groups. Usually you don't start a friendship in kindergarten and have that friendship remain through your senior year of high school. And I've seen that with my even with my middle schooler that he had a great strong group of friends through his elementary experience. That friend group has changed to a small extent in middle school, which at first I at first that didn't settle well with me because I thought, hey, I don't want you to lose these great kids that you've developed this connection with overtime. But as I look at it and evaluate it, it's not that he's lost that connection, I. Think that he's just gained more. Getting to a larger social circle, and I think kids do that as they, you know, continue in higher education. And there are more individuals in their school and more opportunities to get to get to know their kids, but I think that's the nature of the beast, is that usually with young kids, friendships aren't necessarily lasting long periods of time. And those parents, that's fine, right? That's fine. We can embrace that, even though it's unsettling at times, because sometimes I look at that child. And I'm like. You guys should be friends for the rest of your life. I love you. I hope you guys know that you're going to college together, right, and they're like, Mom, I’m 7. Don’t make those decisions for me yet.
Jen: Yeah, I agree. And I think I just think of my husband's oldest daughter and she was engaged. Or going to get engaged to this guy. And he did not approve. And his daughter gave him an ultimatum. Either you approve or I won't see you again. And he talked to his sister and she gave him the best advice of do you want to be in your daughter's life.
Speaker 2
Exactly.
Jen: Even though you may not like this kid? You know, she's got to figure that out on her own and do you want to be in our life? And it's the same thing with friends.
Hilary: Well, and I think it goes back to that idea of controlling the beginning. It's that we don't necessarily have control over who our child chooses to be friends, but we do have control over is what we can offer in our own home. So, we can invite those friends over. We can be that home that they feel comfortable and safe in. We can be a Hostess that enjoy being around and I think still when we're in our own home, we also have control over what rules and expectations are going to happen in that home. So, if there's certain things that maybe you don't appreciate about that particular person, I think it's OK to set an expectation that in our home we take turns in our home everybody gets the opportunity to decide right now. Again, it's somewhat out of our control whether that person chooses to follow that rule. Yeah, because we can't force that upon anyone. But I think you know, creating that environment where these kids. Now this is a this is an environment that's structured, but they're safety and structure and kids enjoy structure is as crazy as that feels because they enjoy safety. They appreciate feeling that safety.
Jen: Yeah. That's what my sister did with her girl. She made her home, the home that all the kids wanted to come to, so they were always over there. Always had kids in their home. But she knew what was kind of going on.
Hilary: Yeah, exactly right.
Jen: And she and she could control a little bit of what was going on.
Hilary: So it helps ease a little bit of that parental burden. If you can embrace the fact that, hey, they're going to bring to our home who they choose to bring to our home, but at least I can be involved in knowing who those people are and getting fairly decent grasp of what's happening?
Jen: Yeah, yeah, right.
Hilary: And again, by doing that, I think I can continue to keep the communication open with my child because my child will know we welcome all. Yeah, right. We welcome all individuals and we welcome all conversations even hard conversations, and I will say though, I think if you do find yourself in a position because I think that there is a difference between our kids, having friends that we don't necessarily love, you know, some that are a little bit controlling or bossy or whatnot versus my child is in an unsafe situation. And I think if that were the case and we know our child when they are with certain people are in unsafe scenarios. I think it's OK to set some more firm limitations and boundaries on our kids.
Jen: Absolutely, absolutely.
Hilary: So as a parent, you guys know what that looks like for you and I think that's a good reminder that sometimes. We try not to swoop in because we don't want to be that helicopter, but there are times where that may be the case and that’s okay.
Jen: Yeah. That's where you say. I give you all the choices all the time.
Hilary: But not this time and I think if you. Could offer that honest conversation with your child to say, hey, I've noticed when you're with them that you're making some decisions that might affect you long term consequences that are going to hurt you legally, consequences that might hurt your education moving forward, and we don't want to see you hurt in that way. So, we're going to set up. Some rules and expectations.
Jen: Yeah, I think that's fair. Fair firm is fair. Sometimes all the time really. To have boundaries. So thank you everyone for coming today and hopefully this gave you some help and ideas on ways to deal with your children and their friends and. And making sure that everybody is happy, I want to remind you to be kind and patient with yourself and we will see you back here next week.
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