Teen Reliance on Friends

Teenagers are caught between two stage of being a kid and being an adult. They learn to be more independent but that sometimes looks like them wanting to spend more time with peers than with family. Being close to friends, finding ways to belong outside of the home, and spending time with others is normal. BUT, maybe there are some ways to make it work better for you. Jen and Hilary are here to guide us through some teen friend tips.

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Jen: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast with Hilary and Jen.

Hilary: Welcome to our podcast today, so today we have an Ask Away episode where we are given an incredibly hard question to answer, usually from a youth and sometimes from a parent. And we, Jen and I get to assemble our way around answering it. So here is one of those wonderful episodes that we talk about. So, this question is from a parent. Sounds like a somewhat concerned parent. So, here's the question that she asks, or he asks and says, I'm very upset by the huge transitions my daughter has made. She is a teen now and has become so reliant on her friends. It's like she has to be with them constantly or be texting them or contact them in some way or another. Even with family, things like when we go out to dinner, have game night there is only complaining or asking if her friends can come too. Someone told me this is normal, and I'm honestly hoping you will tell me it isn't and that I can crack down on it. Is it normal? And what do I do?

Jen: Well, my friend. And it is as normal as the sun rises. Yes, it's very normal.

Hilary: Yeah, I mean, I feel like as I read the I having a I mean, both Jen and I have preteens, teens, and so we both can read that statement and we're both like, oh yeah, I feel, yeah, it stings. We wish it would be different,

Jen: But I wish they loved spending all their time with us. And, you know.

Hilary: But it is normal, and I think it's important that we recognize that that, you know, our kids go through that stage of life where we are their constant companion. We are their buddy. We sometimes are their best friend and then they transition into a new stage. And you know, it's funny because we look at those times when our kids are little and they're toddlers and their school age where they are constantly around us and we're like, if you would just give me one minute of silence on my own, you know? And so, we look back then and we're like, “Get away from me”, and now we look at this scenario, now, it like, “Come here, right?” So, there's hardships with both sides.

Jen: Yeah.

Hilary: Because, I, you know, I've been there were. I could literally sit on my bed, and I could count on my hand how many seconds it took before my child found me in my bedroom that I was hiding in. They're really good at doing that. But this is a new stage of life. This is a new transition. And I think during this stage of life where they are teens, pre-teens, they start to recognize that those peers and those peer friendships are a really important part of me. It's a part of who I am. It's a part of my identity. It's where I find a lot of joy. And so, if we can focus on the positive here. I think that we can remember that having these friendships is a really good thing, right?

Jen: Yeah, I agree. Socialization is so good. Not for that, not only in that moment of their lives, but it's teaches them so much of how to interact with different people when they get older and their work, their careers. Things like that so important that they have those experiences when they're young so they can kind of figure out what works, what doesn't work. And I always love this from love and logic of when the price tag is small. That's where we want to have the kids, have experiences, have mistaken creating those bonds , all of that. So, when the price tag is big. They've already worked through that, and they know how to do it when they're older. And socialization is a huge part of that.

Hilary: You know, we as parents and love and logic covers this too as well, too. But we talk about as parents, we have this expectation when they make this transition and age from age 17 to 18 that magically they all of a sudden know everything there is to know about the world, right? Because they're 18, they're an adult and we’re kicking them out of the house, and we are assuming that they're going to thrive in this environment. That might be new to them, and some do and some falter and some crash and burn, right? And I think the reality of the situation is if we are coddling and not allowing them to experience these outside interactions in our home. Then those more often than not are the times where when they do make that transition to adulthood, they have a difficult time because you're right, they haven't had those experiences. Now that had those learning opportunities. We want that to be rather than a giant leap into adulthood. We want it to be just one more small step, right? Almost to the point where they don't even notice because it comes very it's a very fluid process. It's a very comfortable process for them. We have trained to them well, and that's the goal here, right? I'm just thinking about my kids and one of the things that my kids, my kids, all of them are, I would categorize them as an as an introvert type personality. And one of the things that's really hard for them is to speak to other adults in social settings. And so, we have tried to find ways, very simple ways where we give our kids the opportunity to talk to grownups, not in this stranger danger mindset. Keep in mind, but like things like when we're at the restaurant, it's really easy for us as parents to order for everyone in the family. They're going to have this, they're going to have this, they're going to have this. But we make it a goal for our kids to be like, let me order mine. And then I turned to my daughter and I say, OK, tell her what you want. And in her very timid, quiet little voice, she says, “I want Mac n’ Cheese”, you know, it's just this, you know , when they oftentimes the grocery store, I might say to my kids, “All right, let me give you the money. I want you to pay for the bread. I'll stand behind you, but I want you to handle this situation”. And so, we're giving them those opportunities to be an adult for a few minutes and practice those adulting skills. And that's important.

Jen: Yeah, I have a sister, my younger sister is very she was very introverted. I mean, I remember when we were young and just going into a 7-Eleven to get a: Slurpee was like a huge ordeal because there were strangers. And as she's grown, I mean, we were since I got married older, older, she and I were living together in a townhouse and I was the one who was having to do all of the calling, you know, someone to come check out the heater or whatever was going on wrong because she was terrified to do it. And when I got married, she's kind of been forced into who she is. She's had to do all of those things and she's doing them slowly. And but you know what I mean? It's still really hard for her. So, I feel bad that she didn't learn that or have those experiences when she was younger of talking to maybe strangers or having lots of friends to where she had to deal with different situations.

Hilary: Mm hmm. And you know, and I know that as parents, as mothers and fathers, sometimes we get caught in this mindset of, well, they can learn those skills in my house. Like , why do they have to learn that from other people? If I'm teaching them in my house, I'm teaching them the lessons I want them to learn. And if my kids are learning lessons from other teens, I don't necessarily have the control over that. And I think the reality is. You know, we let go of the reins and allow our kids to interact with other peers and to socialize and to hear other opinions and other thoughts. It's allowing them to practice another very important skill and that is this decision-making process. If I hear my friends say that they want to do this and it doesn't sound great to me and I don't know if it's a good idea for us to do that. It allows them to say to themselves, all right, well, what am I going to do? What I mean? I choose, how am I going to follow them? Am I going to go against the grain? But honestly, I feel like a lot of those experiences, the learning experiences that kids have happen outside the home when they are independently given that opportunity to make that decision by themselves without the guidance of a parent who's saying. Make a choice, but you know what you're supposed to do, sweetie, and you better listen up and I'm going to nudge on the shoulder when you say the right thing.

Jen: And as you're talking, I'm envisioning the inside of our brains and that prefrontal cortex that we talk about all of the time that is not developed. All of those situations of letting go of the reins and things like that. I visually, not visually, but I can make it in my mind of. I can see all these little connections being made, making that prefrontal cortex stronger because those connections are made stronger. So, if we do it just in our homes, they're not going to have the different experiences to make that part of their brain really strong and really helpful. And I think that even with phones, I mean, we have smartphones, they're here. They're not going anywhere . It's probably going to be get easier or more techie or I don't know what the future holds for that, except for it's going to be more within our lives. And so, if they can make those decisions, this is a good time to look at my phone. This is not a good time like putting boundaries on those kinds of things so that they no later, again, they can make those decisions of when they're over at their date's parents’ house for the first time , they're not sitting at the dinner table looking at their phone. So, we want them to have all of us, even though we want them biocides. They need to have these, these experiences.

Hilary: Yeah. You know, Jen and I have talked , I think , both on this podcast and outside of the podcast. So, you guys know that I, my oldest is just recently went to middle school and oh my goodness, the stigma associated with middle school. Right? Like it. It's enough to cause a parent to go hide. But I was speaking to one of my friends about it, and she said, you know, middle school is a great opportunity for kids. When you think about building friendships because you think about elementary school and when you're in elementary school . You're gifted with what we would almost call built-in friendships. You go to a classroom with 25 other kids and you're around them all the time. And because of that, you almost are given these built in friendships like, I sit next to them. We go to lunch together. We have the same recess. We have the say we leave at the same time, and it's easy to build those relationships within that school setting when you're in elementary school. But then you go to middle school and you realize that not only does my pool of opportunities to make friends become bigger because oftentimes you're looking at a larger population. but also, that, we're going to different classes and we're meeting new people and, you know, these friends that I used to have in elementary, I may not have the same bus as them and I may not have the same lunch as them. And I think it's good because it gives these kids the opportunity to strategically pick who they want to spend their time with. And that might mean that that might mean I might need to make some more effort to see this particular person because I don't see them in class anymore. That's a great social skill, right? To plan and prepare and set aside time to build that connection with that person that I don't see at all times. And so, I think it is. It's a good it opens up that opportunity. It opens up that window to say to kids. And my friend made that comment. She said it allowed my boys to really decide who they wanted to spend their time with and who they wanted to be around. And they realized that some of those friends friendships they're built in elementary school weren't necessarily the long-term friendships they wanted to have. And so, it kind of opened up my mindset when I thought about that that that this is a good learning opportunity for my four kids as they become teens to decide, Yeah, I want to surround myself with. And we can cross our fingers that our children and our teens and our pre-teens pick good people to surround themselves with, but in the end, that decision is up to them.

Jen: I think. Well , when I was in middle school, so . My elementary school friends did all go to the same middle school I did and then definitely did not go to the same high school I did. So, each that each time I transition to another school, I had to figure out how to make friends because a lot of my elementary school friends were going to a completely different school. And I think in bigger cities, that is more of a reality. And in smaller communities to kids, you want them to learn how to make good friends and friends that are not because I've heard a lot that I have from teens, that I have a lot of friends. I have this many friend on Facebook or Instagram or whatever it may be, but teaching them that those aren't necessarily. I mean, they can be a friend, but having someone physically there is as much better and gives you a very different experience.

Hilary: So, I wanted to bring up part of that question included. The comment about my friends, always need are my child always wants my friends to come along. So, whenever we plan a family activity or an outing , the first question arises, “Can I bring my friend” right? And again, I think that's very common. I think that's very normal for teens to ask. But I also think that as the parents in the home, we can set up some rules and some boundaries associated with, you know , what constitutes friend time and what's categorized as family time where we just want it to be us.

Jen: Yeah.

Hilary: And that's not a bad thing, to have a just family time.

Jen: And I think that it's good to have boundaries, okay , in this situation . It's OK. But in this other situation , we're just going to have it be family. I know my sister, she has three girls that are all in their 20s now , but she was like the home to go to high school. And I asked her once , and like you, you always have like a house full of teens, I'm like, don’t you get tired of it ? She's like, I do get tired of it, but at least my home is the welcoming home. And I kind of know what's going on with my kids. She is. So, she had that clarity of, Yeah, this isn't great, and I have a house full of teens, but I also, from a distance, can kind of keep tabs on what my girls are doing, and they feel that their home is safe to bring in their friends.

Hilary: And what a compliment that is. Yeah. Well, that that is the home that they feel comfortable in. You know, I think about my own life. And the reality is as parents, oftentimes we do most of the scheduling, the day to day routine, even with our teens. I think so often we are the one that schedules out their day, and that can get really frustrating when you constantly have someone telling you, here's where you need to go today, here's what you need to do. I'm thinking just this morning, my son is out of school, and one of the first things I said to him when he woke up was, you need to go mow the lawn today . And of course , because of that comment , we have a huge , you know, blow out of “Mom! I don't want to do that on my day off, like, that's so stupid.” And so, I think sometimes as we're scheduling these activities and maybe strategically, we do have an activity coming up where we do just want it to be our family and trying to give these teens some adequate, adequate time and say, you know, the weekends coming up, we don't really have anything big planned on Friday, so you're welcome to hang out with your friends if you want to. But on Saturday, we were all planning on going out to dinner to celebrate your dad's birthday and that we just want as family time. So, go ahead and schedule whatever you want on Friday, but make sure you designate Saturday night as time. That's just for us and let them know that a few days in advance so that he knows in their head what they can expect. But they also have a little bit of flexibility and freedom as to what the other day will look like for them.

Jen: I'm just glad that I just learned that you have real children and that they do get mad at you because when I see them, they're always the cutest kids and I'm like, Oh, this house must just always be quiet and functioning well, and there is no back talking.

Hilary: It’s all an act.

Jen: But also, I know, I mean. Your oldest I've known his entire life and knowing him and seen him in the times where he has come in the office, I can never I can't imagine him talking back.

Hilary: Well, now you know that that's his trigger, mowing the lawn.

Jen: Mowing the lawn, oh goodness.

Hilary: Oh yes. You know, and one more thing I'll suggest, and this is something that I have kind of learned over time, especially with my oldest. There are times where. Honestly, we just need to cut our kids some slack and recognize that they may not want to do all of the activities that we planned. And we need to allow them to maybe decide what some of those activities are. And I specifically remember, we had a night that we wanted to do just kind of a family movie night. And it's tricky and I know that I'm like a lot of you guys out there where I have children that are varying ages. So, when we're trying to pick a movie, we're trying to find a movie that will both fit the interest level of the 13-year-old and the four-year-old, which is non-existent, right? So, what tends to happen is we tend to watch a Disney show. We tend to watch a cartoon so that my four-year-old will last longer than 10 minutes watching it, right? And you know, there were times where we would all sit down to watch the movie, and I would get frustrated because my middle schooler didn't want to. And after a while of kind of fighting him on everybody who's out here, come on, just come sit down. I started to cut him some slack and I started to notice that he was willing to come sit down on the couch with the rest of the family. But usually he had his switch in his hands, so he'd be like playing his video game and everybody else was usually watching the cartoon. And that's OK because he's there, right? He's there. He's being part of the family. We're spending that time together, you know, and it's a movie. Yeah. So, for me, it's not an incredibly big deal that he's a little bit distracted with something else. And so, I think sometimes we almost are setting the bar too high when it comes to what we want our teens to do when it comes to family time. So just maybe keep that in mind that be flexible, be flexible with their interests. If you take your kids to the park and you ask your teens to join in, they're like, really the park? Maybe it's something as simple as, yeah, you know, if you'll join us for 15 minutes, you can head out after that and go hang out with your friends. You know, let's set that expectations is that's realistic for them to.

Jen: And lots of times they may never tell you, but they really enjoyed the time they were there, even though they may have been fighting with their switch or whatnot. There's a part of them that's enjoying the time with their family. They’re not going to tell you, of course, but they're going to.

Hilary: Oh , we love our kids and our kids love us, and but I think it's important for us to recognize that our kids have other relationships outside of us and that's good and that's healthy and that's exactly what we want . And so, you know, focus on that positive aspect of their lives and help to, I mean, just like with your sister, that helped to cultivate those strong relationships because those things are going to become a benefit to them as they become older.

Jen: Yeah. Parenting is just hard, and I was at the ENT the other day , and the girl that was looking up my nose was also talking to me because I had a Family Place Shirt on and she's like, do you work there? And I said, yes, and she's like, I get your texts that come twice a week and she's like, And they're really helpful. Some of them really work for with me and my kids. And then she looked at the assistant that's typing in her notes. She's like, but we were just talking and how hard parenting is. Even when you have these tips, it's still hard. So, everybody we’re not alone. Parenting is hard. No one has it easy with children. And so, remember to first be patient with yourself, be patient with your kids. Give them a little bit of leeway. Let them learn. These have these experiences to learn, but be kind to yourself and remember to be kind to your kids. And we will see you back here next week.

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