We've all been there, in our teenage years, trying to find a place in a friend group. Sometimes kids are mean or sometimes we don't have shared values. Jen and Hilary tackle these tough problems with grace, humor, and some insight to their teen years.
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Jen: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast with Hillary and Jen.
Hilary: Hello, everyone. So, we have our segment today of “Ask away”, which if you haven't heard one of our Ask Away segments. These are anonymous questions that were sent in primarily not necessarily from parents, but from teens or even from kids. The idea being these are the questions that maybe we as kids and teens don't dare or want to ask our parents but still want to know the answer to it. So, I'll ask this person on Facebook instead. Right? So, we have two questions that we're going to ask today, both very similar, obviously related. But we'll take them one at a time. And together, Jen and I are going to attempt to give you an answer to it.
Jen: And I feel like if parents want to ask a question, we would answer in this segment as well. So, parents, please send them in and we'll try to answer them the best of our ability.
Hilary: So, these are both questions that came in from a teen. So, the first question is, “What do you do if one of your friends is swearing a lot?” And then this person puts in the question, “I don't like it, but I don't know what to do about it”. Oh, insert the giant sigh.
Jen: Yup, yup, there it was
Hilary: Let us first say to you, you poor teen out there that's trying to maneuver this situation. We're real sorry. Yeah, that that stinks. It really does stink. And that's such a hard situation to be in.
Jen: Because I think it really could go with anything that your friend is doing and you don't really agree with what they're doing. What do you do about that as a teen? Yeah. I think of myself as a teen and. I don't know. I wouldn't have been that brave to ask my parent because I wouldn't have wanted to lose my friend. Not that my parents would have said, “You can't see that person anymore”. But in my mind, that was going to be the result.
Hilary: Oh yeah, yeah. And we get it. We get that your friends are an important part of your life. And so, this is a really daunting problem to have to deal with. Like we understand, even as adults, both Jen and I like to each other when we read this and thought, Well, crap. What’s a good answer we can give?
Jen: Yeah
Hilary: So, let me say this it's funny because I have my oldest son. He's about to enter middle school. I've talked about him on this podcast before and it is scares me. I don't want him to go to middle school. He's leaving this protective little elementary hub that I am not ready for that. But it's been so interesting to me to talk to other parents and to talk about their children's experiences with middle school and middle school perspectives. And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that middle school is awful. We won't say that on this podcast. It's a glorious place to be kids.
Jen: It's just so hard.
Hilary: But it is a hard stage of life.
Jen: Yeah, you're one need to be even more independent and peer.
Hilary: I mean, peer interaction is becoming much more important,
Jen: And their opinions are much more important.
Hilary: Yes. And really honestly, when I look back on my middle school high school career, I think by the time not to a full degree, but by the time you hit high school, you have gone through this phase of finding out who you are, finding out what you want in life, finding out what your likes and dislikes are. You're in a little bit more confident in yourself and in your body. You've maybe decided on what interests you want to pursue, whether that be band or choir or drama, some type of sports. I think you have a lot of kids have that figured out by the time they hit high school, and so they have a more solidified group of friends, usually based on those interests,
Jen: Especially if you live in a smaller area.
Hilary: Exactly.
Jen: I grew up in Phoenix, so I didn't have any of my middle school friends go to the high school that I went with because we were dispersed between three different times.
Hilary: Yeah. But it's interesting because I feel like that finding yourself period of time happens in middle school. I mean, that's the time when that occurs, which means that there's going to be some uneasiness. There's going to be some questioning, there's some deciding of do I want to do this or not do this? And it's interesting to hear these parents talk about, you know. There are children experiencing their friend groups and having certain friends that before didn't never swear, and now they are and deciding that they used to not care about certain things and now they do. They didn't want anything to do with dating and now all of a sudden, they're really interested in it. But it is. It's this this stage of life where you're really trying to find yourself and figure out who you are. And honestly, swearing is one of those things. I feel like where some kids are deciding, is this something I want to do? Do I not want to do it? Other kids are doing it. So, should I follow that? And it's hard. It's hard when people are doing things that you may not agree on and may not want to follow. Yeah. And remind me, how long does it take before the brain is fully developed
Jen: Till you're twenty-five.
Hilary: Yeah, right? So guys, guess what? In middle school, you're probably going to make a lot of stupid decisions that later in life, you're going to regret and realize what was I doing? Why did I ever do that? Why do I think that was important or cool or worth pursuing? And don't beat yourself up about it, because the reality is, is that? Your brain is still developing, you're still trying to figure out what you think and how you feel. That's completely normal.
Jen: Oh, the lives of middle school. And high schoolers.
Hilary: Yeah, I mean, it's true still in high school, right? I mean, I make it sound like in high school, you've got it all figured out, but you don't. I mean, even as a young adult, you still don't even know, even as a something, something year old sitting here in front of you.
Jen: I was going to say that I don’t know if I got it all figured out.
Hilary: But you know, whomever wrote this message, I love the second part of your statement where you put, “I don't like it. But I don't really know what to do with it”. But the fact that you have decided in yourself already that this is something that you don't necessarily like, you're deciding what morals and values you believe in, and that's important. I think that's an important thing to start to understand in that stage of life.
Jen: And that's how very hard thing to do at their age of saying, you know, I don't like this and how do I tell other people I don't like it? I don't know if I was that savvy of a teen to even I don't know. I'm trying to think back on that time, and I don't think I would have said anything. So, I would have just grin and bear it, or I probably may if I'm honest, I probably joined in.
Hilary: Followed suit. Yeah. I mean, there is a pretty big trend happening, and I'm sure you guys have heard it and maybe the listener out there that wants their answer to this question. We talk a lot in school these days about bullying and about being a bystander and what exactly that should look like, what it means. And I think we're starting to kind of take this, this shift that. You know, to be a bystander, to be a good bystander means that you're not just going to sit and watch it happen, that you may not be the instigator of the scenario, but if you see something that's inappropriate, that's unsafe, something you don't believe in, that she has the right to speak up and you do so in a healthy and safe manner. And so I think it's OK to speak up to this group of friends or if it's one friend in particular to say, “Hey, you know, I don't really like hearing those words. I would rather you use a different word than that.”
Jen: I remember being in middle school and I didn't grow up. We were taught not to take the Lord's name in vain, so we never said that and my friends figured that out. Like Jen doesn't ever say it, so they didn't say it around me, but that was probably my closest friends. Yeah, but when you get your bigger friend group in there, they would do it. And I remember having because that was just so instilled in me. Having to ask someone to not say it. And it was super uncomfortable. And yeah, it was just super uncomfortable. But I think there's more comfortable ways to do it than I did it, I guess.
Hilary: You know, I'm sure that this is an answer that your parents would probably give you. But that's kind of the truth. And that is the fact that if you speak up and express your concerns and say, you know, “I don't like that language, I don't like what we're doing here.” If these people are truly people that you want to be friends with, they're going to respect your decision, they're going to respect your words, they're going to respect your opinion, and they're going to say, OK, we'll try not to. If they blatantly disregard it, then guess what? Those are probably the people that you don't want to be around anyway, long term. And that's hard. That's a hard pill to swallow, because right now you probably feel like those are your people and you will do anything to have those people, but you have to kind of think about it in the long-term approach. And if they don't respect your values and beliefs, they're not the friend that you want.
Jen: Yeah, I think there's always easier ways to say it than, I mean, this is an adult Jen talking. And this maybe this language sounds weird for a middle schooler, but you know, pull that friend aside and say, “You know what? I really appreciate our friendship. Yeah, but when you swear, it makes me a little bit uncomfortable.” And I would appreciate it if you didn't swear around me. So that is grown up, Jen. I don't know if you as a middle schooler or even the high schooler would feel comfortable saying it that way, but just letting them know that you really appreciate their friendship and care about them. But can you please not use this language around me?
Hilary: Yeah. You know, the reality is, is that and this is another one of those hard pills to swallow, even for us as grownups. But one of those life lessons that that we learn is that we don't have control over other people. We don't have control over their actions. We don't have control over their thoughts. We only have control over ourselves. And that's hard enough. And even of itself, right? So, you know, you may try your hardest to sway them to persuade that we should do this rather than this. But in the end, they're going to do what they choose to do and you're going to do what you choose to do and you're going to make the right decisions for you. And I think that that's important. We can't force somebody else to change and so have control over what you can control in this scenario, and that might be who you surround yourself with. And that's important to remember. So that's a tough guy.
Jen: Because there's going to be other things that come into your life that you're like, Oh, this doesn't go along with my now or rallies that I was taught, and I don't want to be around this. If that's drugs or alcohol or, you know, whatever it may be, it's hard. And I think learning how to stand up for yourself now, you're going to have a better experience standing up for yourself in the future.
Hilary: Yeah, that reminds me, my cute little nephew. He just went on a trip to Denmark. He just graduated, so we will call him an adult, right? Technically. They just went on a trip to Denmark to visit a friend over there and went with one other individual. So, there was the three of them together, and they went to a party with a bunch of other friends of this individual that lives in Denmark. And they have set up, you know, my nephew. His other close friend that he traveled with. They believe they they're choosing not to use drugs or alcohol. That's a choice that they've made in their life. This other friend that they went to visit does. And again, that's her choice. Those are her life experiences. But she, he said one of the coolest experiences that he had was when they went to a big party where most everybody in the room was drinking. And her group of friends offered my nephew alcohol and they said no, and this one friend that lives in Denmark, that they went to visit, she stood up for them and she said “Guys like stop asking them like, they're not going to do this. This is something that they don't want to do”. And she was so quick to be to their defense. And he said it was such a powerful testament to the fact of like, what a good friend really is. Yeah, because they will. They'll respect your, your, your feelings, your thoughts, your opinions and. And so, he saw that when she was able to speak up on behalf of them to say, doesn't matter how many times you're going to ask, they're going to say no. So, stop asking. But so stick to your guns. It's hard. We get it. It's hard as a grown up to do that too.
Jen: Practice it on a friend that has the same values of you. I mean, do a little role play in practice.
Hilary: You know what? Just like kind of with a bullying scenario, it's much easier to deal with situations like that if you have people rather than doing it alone. So maybe you recruit some of your other friends that have the same values and you say, all right, guys, we're going to go talk to our other friends together. Because if they can see that most of us are uncomfortable with this situation, then maybe they'll stop it. You might have some comfort in saying We don't like the swearing versus just I don't like swearing. So, and I think you'd be surprised that when you voice your opinion, the other people are probably going to have the same opinion within your friend group. They're just maybe too scared to say, Yeah, so be the brave one. Speak up people.
Jen: You can do it! Okay, so what's our next question?
Hilary: All right. So, the other one, which again kind of goes along with friends and not knowing what to do. It says one of my friends was telling all my other friends not to let me on their texting chat group. Then one of my other friends told me about it, and it made me feel awful. Why was she being so mean to me? And what do I do about it? And then here's the tricky part of the scenario. This person also includes I can't tell my mom because I'm not supposed to be on group chats, but it still makes me feel bad. So, we've got a poor situation where you've got somebody feeling left out and other people have told them that they're being left out. But the hard thing is that it's in a situation they probably shouldn't be in anyway.
Jen: Yeah. So hard. And you're also talking to two people that did not grow up with social media, which makes it even harder
Hilary: So, let us go ahead and give you a great answer here, right? Let's start by normalizing the situation again. I am of a certain age, Jeni's of a certain age. We're a lot older than this person is. That's writing this message. But still, it hurts as a grown up to be left out know. It hurts to see pictures of other people in your family, in your neighborhood, with your coworkers doing an activity that you weren't invited to. So, it's hard because we've all felt this way before, and unfortunately, sometimes that doesn't go away as a grown up.
Jen: Yeah, no, it doesn't. I've had it happen.
Hilary: So, and it's hard. You want to feel included. You want to feel included with those relationships around you. So, I get it, and I think that you teens are faced with a particularly hard situation being that there is social media and you see pictures all the time of what kids are doing and what kids are not doing. And so, as you're scrolling through your Instagrams and your Facebook feeds and you're seeing all of these parties that you may or may not have got invited to, that's really hard. Yeah, Jen and I didn't have that. So sometimes you were invited to a party and you had no clue, but you didn't know, right? Unless somebody told you that Monday, you didn't know, you didn't know what you missed out on. So to know automatically what you're missing is a is a tricky situation to be in.
Jen: Agreed. Now, what part do you want to cover? I say this because I just, you know, as an adult, as a stepmother, I just of like this is hard if this is one of the rules that a parent has put out for you. It's hard for us, the two of us to say, yeah, go for it, go behind your parents back. I mean, I wouldn't want my stepdaughter doing something like that behind my back, and I'm sure Hillary would want her kids. I mean, it's a given. We all did stuff when we were younger. What that? Our parents don't know about. Yeah, so we don't know Hillary. What do you think? Wow.
Hilary: Sorry, my young teenager. If you're not supposed to be on the group texts, then we don't want you on the group texts.
Jen: There's probably a valid, very good, valid reason why your parent doesn't want you doing that.
Hilary: And honestly, this is probably the reason. The reason is probably because you have a smart parent who you may not see it that same way right now, but you probably have a smart parent that recognizes that this is where conflict lies is when you're in these group chats and certain people are running certain conversations and they are discounting other people in conversation. So if your parents some credit, they probably know.
Jen: They are just trying to help you not get hurt.
Hilary: So, we're not going to necessarily tell you to go against the rule in your house. But what we will say is that if you feel. Like, you're being excluded, and obviously you do, I think it is helpful to talk to somebody about those feelings that may not be mom, and that's OK. That may not be Dad, and that's OK. Exactly. But talk to somebody about that because nobody wants to feel isolated and nobody wants to feel alone.
Jen: Feeling like they're not being heard.
Hilary: So, find someone that you can talk to about that and recognize that although you may not be invited to that event, you'll be invited to other events and you can create events where you can invite other people to.
Jen: And your true friends would really invite you to everything. They're not inviting you to something. I know it's hard to see now, but it's not a true friend.
Hilary: Yeah, teenage life is wonderful, isn't it? Yeah. No, no, no. You know, it's funny because Jen and I have both worked with teams with youth teaching, social skills, teaching, you know, topics like what it means to be a good friend, how you get good friends and how not to be a bully, right? And these seem like topics that just should be easy and natural. Everybody should just be born knowing how to be a good person that includes other people and encourages and lifts up. But we got to remember that it is a skill that people have to build upon, and some people may. For some people, those skills aren't natural. So, we're all still working on being better at that. And as adults, we still work on that too.
Jen: Don’t Worry, like I every day, I think I say that my husband, I need to be a kinder person.
Hilary: All right. Good luck to you. You poor teen out there. We love you. We're rooting for you. OK. Keep up the good work.
Jen: Stand up and be strong. You'll appreciate it in the end. I want to thank those people who did write in, and we will see you back to back questions. And if you have more of those, just send them to our email, and we will definitely try our best to answer them on our ask away. Have a great day!
Thank you for listening to the Parents' Place podcast. If you would like to reach us, you can at parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org or you can reach Jen on Facebook. Jen Daly - The Family Place. Please check out our show notes for any additional information. Our website is The Family Place Utah if you're interested in any of our upcoming virtual classes. We'd love to see you there.
Subject Resources: I-statements are a great way to start a difficult conversation, even if you are a teen dealing with friends. Learn more here: - https://parentandteen.com/tips-for-teens-avoid-conflict-with-parents/ Contact us: -Email us questions or topic ideas: parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org -Record questions here: https://anchor.fm/theparentsplace -Parent's Place FB Page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/196037267839869/ - https://www.facebook.com/jendalyTFP Music by Joystock
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