Josh Brazier and Hollie Henderson, Authors of thee Book, Bang Head Here, share insights and tips for connecting, communication and developing a family culture. Parenting teens, is a unique journey and Josh and Hollie help us understand how this journey can be enjoyed rather than a head banging experience.
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Jen: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast with Hillary and Jen.
Hilary: All right, well, good morning, afternoon or whatever time it is, as you're listening to our podcast, we're excited to have you guys here listening with us. We have two amazing guests with us today and we are so excited that they have been able to join us on our podcast. We have Hollie Henderson and Joshua Brazier, and they are authors and have put together, I think, an incredibly informative. Parent guide for you on how to help your wonderful teens that are out there, which I don't know about you, but I think we all need a little bit of help and advice in regards to that area. I'll speak on behalf of myself for that one. But before we jump in, I'd love for them to introduce themselves. Tell us a little bit about their professional background and how they have come together to create this to create this content for us. So, Josh, go ahead and tell us a little bit about yourself.
Josh: Awesome. Well, Josh was born and raised in Southern California. Hollie and I actually grew up in pretty much the same town, known each other for, I guess, over 20 years now. And so, we've always kind of been in each other's lives professionally. I started a nonprofit when I was in school here in Utah, taking youth around to different orphanages and kind of humanitarian projects around the world. And from there just started to really kind of getting into what young people were struggling with. I get calls from parents like, “Hey, my kid really like connected with you on the trip. He's really struggling. You want to take him out to dinner?” And I kind of started this kind of organic coaching mentoring practice and then started working in the treatment center field of just doing those same trips with kids who are struggling and came up with a humanitarian therapy program. And then Hollie and I just met for lunch one day, and we're just comparing stories and notes and catching up. It had been a while and was just really amazed that we had kind of similar paths and also similar thoughts about what some of the real key issues that were going on that were keeping parents and teens from connecting and moving forward. So was a little bit about me.
Hollie: And I am Hollie, as he said, my journey as far as how it relates to this book specifically starts when I was 14 years old and I was an at-risk teen and I was away from home in treatment. And so, we had to learn as a family, as a very disconnected family, how to come together. And then later on in my career, I started working with a lot of teens and young adults, and I also started a training program for a nonprofit on healthy relationship development, violence prevention specifically and dating, violence prevention and sexual assault. So, I worked prevention. So, I works in the schools and colleges and in locked down facilities, jails, prisons, talking to people about how to build healthy connections and relationships. And yeah, when Josh and I met up that one day, we're like, You know, we really feel like there's a gap in information for parents who are struggling with their family culture, and if we could help them, I think it would help a lot of people who are coming out of treatments and or just in homes that are not necessarily in treatment programs, such as in homes in general that were struggling to be able to come back and find each other in a way that was more peaceful than what they were dealing with at the time.
Hilary: OK. And so obviously, you know, you can tell that these two individuals are amazing people in our field of education and have a wealth of knowledge, and so I'm excited to dive deep into not only this novel that they have produced for you, but also their experience of living this field and seeing it. And so, this this novel you have created is called Bang Head Here, which I love. We've got to ask why the title?
Josh: It's a good question. We just a lot of times you just get that phone call from the parents and they and they've literally just been banging their head against the wall have no, yeah, no, no clue what to do. So, we just about bang, bang your head against our book and maybe you'll learn something.
Hilary: If that's the way to do it, I’m sold!
Josh: Yeah, it would be great if it just, you know, a couple of bang is going to be right in there. But yeah, it was just kind of a playoff of what we were seeing. We just hear that phrase from parents like, I just feel like I'm banging my head against the wall. Like, that’s all we heard.
Hilary: Yeah, you know, I know that both Jen and myself, I've heard that phrase before time and time again, where we've had frustrated parents come in and basically say, I've tried everything. I've done it all. Nothing out there is working. And so, we definitely have experienced that ourselves as well, too, particularly with these with these teens and these other kids. What were you going to say, Hollie?
Hollie: I was going to say sometimes also like when you're in a situation with parents that feel like they've tried every option and they're at the end of their ropes, that's a great time to start looking for a coach or somebody, a mentor that can help open the field a bit and throw up some mirrors and help you see things that you might be missing, right? And this book was really about that. We go through so many scenarios like, Hey, we're not going to touch on everybody scenario, but just laying this infrastructure of the solid framework that you need in your home, that you're building right in how to triage problems so that in your unique setting, you could go and say, OK, what is it about the way that I'm reacting to my teen that is triggering me from what I've been through in my past? What about that needs to be worked on and has nothing to do with my team? Maybe if I shift that way, then I've got a different way that I'm going to look at how I'm seeing my team at this moment, right? That might be one cornerstone that we talk about. So, I think it's important if you are a parent listening today and you feel like you're banging in your head, like, who's what resources do you have at your fingertips? Who can you talk to help kind of stir that pot so you can see things differently right now?
Hilary: So, Hollie, I'm intrigued because you mentioned you use the words family culture. And I want you to tell us a little bit more about what you mean by that when you talk about creating this family culture in your home.
Hollie: Well, when we talk about creating a family culture, we're talking about the traditions that we have. We're talking about the way that we interact with each other, the way that we deal with conflict resolution, the way that siblings interact together, right? The goals that we have as a family, how is that collectively being accomplished? What kind of things are we doing to bond in our relationships? This is all these pieces come together that create this family culture right of who you are as family members, who are as parents and what you're trying to help your children develop as they learn these skills to interact with other people as they go out into society. Josh, do you have anything else you want to add to that?
Josh: No, I just think it is just kind of like a tapestry of things that weave together that you can very clearly see. And that's what Hollie and I do a lot as we'll walk into homes and we will be able to help them understand, analyze, just see for the first time from an outside perspective what their family culture looks like and what might need to change and what is really, really good and should be amplified or invested in. But a family culture is it's a process and it's an action. It's not just something you dream about and think about. It is literally just hard work and all those different aspects that Hollie just talked about. If we're not aware of all those different pieces or one of them is going to be worse than the other or neglected, and that might cause some problems down the road.
Hollie: And there's toxic cultures like Josh. Talk about one toxic culture, and I'm going to show you like a more healthier culture. So, some people get an idea of what we're saying.
Josh: A lot of things in terms of just like, an ideal would be at a family table around any kind of a meal. It would be that you're checking in on the day and there's things that you know about the other person in your family that is, you know, that that, you know, hey, if this was going on today, but a lot of times are now what I'm seeing is. I've sat down with hundreds of families at meals and it's literally like on their phone. They don't know what's going on. They talk over each other. They cut each other off. They don't really know the ins and outs of what's going on in somebody's life. And so, it's just like this awkward silence or there's this feeling and there's this pressure for the family to be something to have a culture. But there hasn't been like the foundation put down. And so, you just sit in these homes that feel a little bit toxic because all they want this, that causes tension, that causes anxiety and they tend to kind of react more negatively when things aren't going their way, right? And so, in a simple way, that toxicity is just not the not knowing what's going on in the family, being attached to phones, working all the time and just not having the correct focus. And that just causes all these problems.
Hollie: There is a family culture that I think is healthy, that we've been studying, we've been seeing a lot of different families actually for our third book in the series about creating a culture connection. This particular family, one of the things that the parents really nailed home at the beginning was that siblings are your best friends. They're going to be your first allies and you need to treat them as such. So, the family culture was never allowed to. You weren't allowed to talk over each other, belittle each other, physically hit each other. It was just not what they wanted to create. And within that, some of the tradition that they had is maybe at dinner time, not, maybe they did. At dinner time, everybody was part of doing dishes and they put on music and they made it a dance party. Right now, as you, you fast forward 20 years, you go to these people's weddings and they just love to each other. Watch these siblings, they love to dance together. They are each other's best friends. Is this is this easy to accomplish all the time? No. But it was a consistent part of the family culture that they wanted to nail home about connection, how we're going to do that through small steps, right? Another thing that the family did was it was important that their children knew that mom and dad had their private time Wednesday from three to five. They didn't interrupt. Another part of family culture that was positive for them was nobody sits down until mom sits down, right? And then mom also had to be really aware that she took a break, that she wasn't working all the time, even though she had a long list. But it just helped with the way that they all collectively helped each other in the home, right? So hopefully those two examples give you an idea of what we're talking about. As far as the only culture, maybe you have some questions.
Hilary: Oodles, actually! I'm jotting down all these things I want to know, but I'm going to let Jen.
Jen: I do have this question of, so if you've been in a family dynamic that has been hard or doesn't have this family culture and you do have these teens, how do you go about creating that family culture when teens are like “Nay nay I want nothing to do with this”. I mean, I have a 15-year-old step daughter who I have tried my darndest to have dinner at my family dinner when she's over. And my husband didn't grow up with having dinner at the table. And so, I've kind of had to, kind of navigate that a little bit differently. But just how do you go about recommending when they've already had this kind of negative or not this family culture into having a more productive family culture?
Josh: It's a, it's a it's a beautiful question, because I think that there's a lot of people out there that feel the same feel the same way, like they feel like maybe they are too far down the road. I love that it's already in your self-awareness, and I think that's one of the most important things is that you, you have it in your mind as something that you want as a goal or that you're working towards. Besides the obvious of just like taking a breath, this is going to be a process. It's not going to be an overnight thing. You, yourself need to kind of figure out what is what is the goal, what is like kind of the end result that you want? And then what is going to get in your own way from creating that? That's what we really talked about in this first part. This first book in the series of three that we have is looking inward first to figure out what is it that the stepdaughter is doing, you know, being able to notice from a place of nonjudgmental and non-reaction about what is she doing around that time? What is seemingly the most important things for her? How do I take that knowledge and those insights of what I know about her to then create a plan that I can inch forward towards this goal of having family dinners. Getting your husband on the on board is the same thing, like, "Hey, this this thing that's really important to me."
But what does it bring up in you to have this as a goal? And is there something that's tied to your past and your upbringing, your conditioning that is keeping you from really investing in what this what this goal could create for our family culture. And so that that type of process of realizing, first and foremost, that this is something we go inward first and that is going to take a little bit of time because what I've noticed and I think Hollie can agree as well, is that we give up very easily. And when it's frustrating, we take it personally, personalize it. Then we give up and then we just kind of let things happen as they occur. But it's not to create a huge expectation that a goal might create a saying I need to have a family dinner by next week. It's like, that's my end goal, and I'm going to be zigzagging my way to get there, trying different things based on what I know about myself, my husband and my daughter, and I'm just going to try to get creative. One might work well, a laugh that one off, and I'm going to try the next one. And so. I think that in my career, what I've just seen is just a willingness to like the number one thing is the willingness to be creative, to look inward and to fail a little bit, but that it will be a process because it took a while to get here as we talked about it in the book. And so is going to take a while to get us to where we want to go.
Hollie: I also wanted to add in there that there are some questions you can ask in your minds when it's difficult at family dinner. Are they conditioned in a way that it's it feels a little bit anxious to sit in this environment? It feels like I've got to show up and say something, and I don't have the skill set to be there. And if that's the case, then maybe lower your expectation of what's going to happen, like you said at the beginning, but maybe also be thinking about other things that you can do with her that has nothing to do with dinner. You know, what is it that she's interested in? Maybe it's like a special outing once a week that you do that's invested in her. If you have the time or the resources to do that, or if it's a special movie she wants to watch, and you're able to just kind of have a little camaraderie somewhere that's like you like he's talking about, you want to figure out a way to slip in the dark and just gently and then just like, start to build. But if your expectation is like, I want this now, and if it's not happening, then you might be shooting yourself in the foot. And don't discredit the fact that they may not appreciate this. It may be years that they look back and go, Gosh, I'm really grateful that we did that. That's that set a foundation of what I want to create. So just like you said, keep trying to be creative about your approach
Josh: The observation period, like, like you're saying, is going to bring a lot of creativity like it really well. If you can just get to know what you know and two adopted sons and adopt them later on in life. And so, for me, it's been a lot of observing and a lot of just, OK, I'm feeling something right now. These kids are maybe they're being ungrateful or why are they doing this? Or why are they like? I don't know enough about him. I don't have enough information and information, and we'll always be power and how to proceed next and how to get creative. So, yeah, I really like that, Hollie. That's great.
Hilary: There are so many things you guys just said that I feel like are worth its weight in gold. Honestly, Josh, I love how you brought up that it is a process because I think we as parents oftentimes forget that. We expect that it's going to be an instantaneous change. And we've worked with many parents where we're seeing them on a weekly basis, and so we will return the follow up and the next weekend. And these parents are as frustrated as can be because it didn't work, it didn't work perfectly or the way that they thought it was going to work, like you mentioned, Hollie with the expectations. And I always like to remind the parents that I work with. I use the I use the comparison of a home remodel and often times when we're remodeling our home and to an outside but outside observer, we look at before and after pictures and we see the end result and that looks glorious. But if we're not an active member of that process, we don't usually get to see the process in the middle, which is when everything is all torn up as crazy as can be and us as parents are regretting all of our decisions right at that point because as we're making these changes. It's hard and oftentimes we see each other in, well we resort back to negative behaviors, and they're resistant, and they put up a fight. And we as human beings are, we like things to remain the way that they are. And so, I think these teens, if they put up a little bit of resistance, that's completely normal. But I think as parents, we forget that we think it should be a quick fix and it's usually not.
Hollie: Yeah. And human beings don't want to be in pain. And we need to we need to make a space for that. The discomfort and lean into it that this process that I thought might be a sprint is actually a marathon. So, I need to get some fuel in me. I mean, we talk about that in the book that especially when you've got a teenager who's starting to take a turn downwards. They have been turning without you knowing for much longer than you realize. So, the damage that could be, there could be a year plus worth of damage. But when the parents are first, what's going on, they're thinking, Oh, we got to fix this and move on. And they don't realize that they're dealing with some, maybe some heavy trauma that the teen has taken on, whether it's in the home or maybe at school, it's that there's a variety of ways that could happen. So, yeah, the expectation for a short turnaround, it's probably not realistic. But preparing yourself to deal with emotional pain, which we do talk about in the book is important because so many parents want to it to be one and done pay for it. You fix the problem and then let's move on, you know, and there's a lot of lessons to be learned when we go, when we walk through the darkness, right that our soul needs to learn through the walk. But we get to choose. Are we going to, Are we going to numb ourselves in that process as parents? Or are we going to step up and go, “Ooh, I'm going to sit in this discomfort and learn.” It's a tough choice.
Hilary: So, Hollie, let's say that we have a listener out there, a parent that is very ready to make these changes and is ready to jump in and. But there's a lot of resistance from a partner from the teen, from the child. How does one help their teen to see that this change is helpful, that it's something that we want because we know that we can't force change upon someone else if they're not ready to make that change? So how do we go about doing that?
Hollie: For me personally, if I had somebody that was really struggling, I'd want to be in a conversation with them where I acknowledge that, you know, things aren't going well. They acknowledge things aren't going well. I realize and recognize in myself that there might be things I need to change that maybe my behavior is affecting you and I want to go on this journey with you. I want it to be better. And I want to ask the teen, What do you want? What kind of life do you want? Are you happy right now? You need to engage a team as much as you can in the process of treatment and change because you will get resistance, for sure. Josh, like talk about some of the resistance that you've dealt with in working with some of the teen boys and going into treatment.
Josh: Well, I mean, in a treatment center environment and your parents, the parents are paying in a large amount of money to, you know, for a lot of changes. The expectation is really high. And then there's pressure on kids to make changes that they might not want to make, right? And so, the individuation process of a teen is a very personal thing, and it needs to be it needs to come from them. I mean, there's natural maturation through things, but just imagine being sent to a place and being told you need to change and do a quick because it's costing mom and Dad, X amount of money a month, right? And so, I dealt with a lot of teens who are just super resistant to the process of change. While Hollie was saying, we kind of say in the book, is that this ability to connect with them, to validate them because, you know, the more that I practice my coaching is just, you know, validation is just a sweet nectar to every, every human on this planet, right? To be able to validate like Hollie was doing, like, “Hey, we're not, we're not in a good spot right now”. I validate that. Here's where I'm at. Here's what I'm feeling. Here's what I see that's going well. Here's where I'd like us to go. Where do you see this? But that might take a little bit of time to get to that conversation. That's ultimately where we're trying to get to is that moment of connection where you guys both realize that something has to change about you. Like you both are willing partners in that, and that takes a while. And so, a lot of my family is when I'm working with the teen now, I'll be getting them ready for that opportunity and I'm getting the parents ready for the opportunities to come together and realize that both are willing partners. And until we get to that point, then it's just friction and its resistance. And so, for like Hollie was saying, to be able to get to that point where you have that conversation, whether it's with your stepdaughter, for example, like this is really, really important to me or I really feel like we're struggling. I really want to get to know you whatever point of connection you want to bring in. You know, you have to you have to be able to do your work on your side and then help prime them to be able to be open to the work that they need to do on their side before, you know, any lasting change will happen. And so, yeah, I'm hopeful that made some sense, but I'm just kind of thinking stream of conscious, but that's just what I've really seen is just trying to get to that point of meeting up takes a little bit of time.
Hollie: You know, it's hard to get. Sometimes it's hard to get teens into treatment to right into counselors or wanting to go that route. We can't really give specific advice over here about what each person should do because the situation is different. You know, whether you've got somebody who's attempted suicide and has been in a hold psychiatric hold. What next for them? Or if it's just somebody maybe who's going through some anxiety and, you know, maybe they're just struggling to get them into treatment. But ultimately, the parent, you need to make that decision for how extreme the situation is to get help. But we always suggest you get some type of help. If the teen is not going to talk to you, you need to find somebody that they'll be comfortable starting to work with, right, so that they have some alliances and that you also are able to talk to somebody and so that you can come together and figure out how to connect in your relationship.
Hilary: And I think oftentimes that's such a hard pill to swallow for parents to admit that, you know what, they may not want to talk to me, but that's OK as long as I can find someone for them to talk to. I'm doing my job. And but it's tricky. It's tricky to admit that,
Hollie: Yeah, you have to really take a look at yourself and the personal rejection that you feel and the pain that comes up at that moment and really assess what's said about, you know, is that's not really about my team at this moment. This is other stuff that it's triggering. Right, Josh, what are we going to say?
Josh: Well, I just said that that works incredibly well. That works for me. My parents had to go through that, and I'm not sure the extent, how badly they felt. But I had some great mentors in life that were able to get me to some great places. But I'm sure it was tough for my parents to, you know, say, like, Oh, I'm going over to this person's house and they're teaching me about this and they're teaching me about that. And my dad's probably like, Well, I would probably love to teach you about those things too, but it's happening. And that's the most important part, right? And that's why we, you know, the village mentality is super, super important in a lot of times and parents call on an intake call. They're like, I'm so glad that we found you guys because you're going to be that person. But it does hurt me that I wish I could be there. And like those saying early in my in my answer, we're still just working as coaches to get parent and teen as close together as they can have that connection point. But it is a beautiful step forward to admit I can't do this on my own. And so it could be an uncle, could be an aunt, could be some relative. It could be somebody in an ecclesiastical or a school or whatever. It doesn't have to be a paid profession, but if you know that your team has a connection with somebody that feels strong, then help them invest in it.
Hollie: We say in the first chart, I think it's the first chapter of the book we basically tell a story that's really powerful. When I was working at a college and teaching a man that was about forty-five years old who was really struggling in his life, and he was talking about just wanting to be validated by his dad. Snd it was so overwhelming for him, and he kept saying, I'm the only one that's going to college and none of my siblings have, and if you could just say he was proud of me, that would that would mean a lot. And as I started to get curious and get more information about the father, I learned that he was an abuser. He heavily abused his mother. And he saw his mother tried to commit suicide in the bathtub. So, this is a very traumatized young man. And at that point I said to him, I said, “So you're telling me that after all the things you've done and came to school, success that you're doing, you're waiting to be told you're OK by someone who was a monster at home? That beat your mother?” And he paused at that moment and he realized. “Wow. Yeah, why am I looking for validation?” But what that taught me is, you know, in that moment was, wow, look at how powerful the parent bond is that even though you may give up some of that mentoring, you know, to another person in your community that maybe your child is bonding with, they will. You will always be their number one, that they will want to connect with. Right. So, you can let some of that self-esteem settle on you, that you are very, very important to the people in your life, regardless of who they're connecting with in the community.
Jen: I really like all of this discussion on connection because it is so important we are, I always tell families that we're hard wired for that connection. We need it. And so even though it may not be with us, connecting with positive people within that child's life is super important to a lot of times. It just takes one person to connect with him and it makes all the difference in the world. And I'd much rather have my child connecting with other positive people within my sphere of connections that instead of them going and finding negative connections because they're seeking for them, they want them. And so the more positive people we can introduce them to, the better off that way we are.
Hollie: Yeah, you got to practice some vulnerability too. And picking up the phone and saying, “Hey, Sarah, what do you got going on? Do you mind? Do you mind just taking my daughter out for a little bit like she likes hanging out with you? I just think she needs a little bit of mentor time, right?” Like, there are a lot of parents that struggle with that because they don't want anybody to think that there's anything wrong going on at home. You know, they have a certain level that they want to live up to, and that's just shooting yourself in the foot, like extend, extend out, like let everybody help each other, right? It's going to go.
Hilary: So, for our listeners out there, you mentioned earlier, Josh, just taking those baby steps, those small steps, they're going to help to build that foundation. And you give us a few ideas on what those small steps might look like, things that our parents could essentially implement or start to implement today.
Josh: I might sound like a broken record with this, with my, with my clients right now, but I have noticed that there is an inability for us to really label what is going on with us. I'll get a client that will call me and say, “I'm really pissed off”, OK, I'm glad you're feeling that. Let's dig a little bit, right? I'll get a parent that will call me and they'll say, “I'm really, really angry. OK”. We have these emotions is really primary emotions that we feel, but we don't have the skill to be able to dig a little bit deeper to figure out what is exactly triggering that. What is it? What's attached to it? What is that really feeling? Because you might feel angry, but it could be fear. It could be loneliness. It can be something else that's actually at the bottom there. And so a skill that I would teach is just the ability to take that into your self-awareness to say that I'm feeling something right now that is something that I. Yeah, it's very, very present in my life right now, and to take that breath, to take that step away, to disengage, if you're involved with somebody else and tend to walk away and saying, like, my number one goal right now is to figure out what this is about and how deep I can go on it to grab a journal and to say, OK, like when my son was saying this to me, these memories were coming up. This was being triggered in me. Or, you know, I had this going on earlier in my day that I carried over into this. And then all of a sudden, you have this wealth of information that allows you to react differently to a situation. And so, I just feel like the number one, the baby step is to really just to learn how to truly label your emotions because we are in our thoughts, our emotions, right? There's just that analogy of like your emotions and your thoughts of the horse and you're the jockey. But a lot of times it's like, we're just like on the horse, just being written around and just being raced around by everything that you have control of those things in the best way to control it is to learn how to label truly what's going on and then seeing what's around it. That's a small little skill. I can go on to other ones. I don't know how much time we have, but that would be my one that I really try with parents to say, OK, I know you're feeling something, but we need to go deeper, OK?
Hilary: Hollie, what about you?
Hollie: First steps for connecting with teens. Is that what you're wanting?
Hilary: Yeah, for these parents, what's something they could try today or this week something small that they can focus on?
Hollie: Well, I think with any of your teens, I think you want to take a take an assessment first, like what do I want to create with the relationships I have with the ones that I love? If it's somebody that is like in your case, when you have someone that's from a stepchild, you know, that could be very difficult, right? Maybe you want connection with them. Maybe you're just struggling to get there. So, I would assess like, OK, what level of my I'm a man of one to 10 with this person right now. And if I'm going to get to the next level, what do I need to understand about them? So, what do I think that they're struggling with? Where are some ways that I can help them? When can I have these kinds of conversations? Right? Assess how much I'm actually talking to my teen, assess how much I'm actually recommending my teen and trying to, like command their life. I would take a look at that. I would also take a look at, Am I treating the teenager with the same I would a friend? Do I talk to them the same way? Right? And assess that, right.
There is there is something that happens between a parent that's in the six to 12-year-old range and a 12 to 18 year old range in the way that they manage their relationships. They go from administrator. So I'm taking you to your lessons in your classes. I'm helping you connect with friends and managing your schedule. To now 12 and beyond still continuing to do the same thing, but they're getting a lot of pushback and resentment. So, I would take a look at how much your being an administrator and how much you're actually being a coach. Because you want to become a parent coach from the age 12 to 18. This is where you want to check in. How are things going? What's going to figure out a way to like, get some stories, get them talking right? Rather than trying to control. Their trying to develop autonomy at that time. You also can take a look at what you are actively teaching your teens to do to be an adult. We are seeing a lot of problems and 20/21 year old, failure to launches’ that you can say, like, how am I going to prepare my team in the next four or five years? And am I doing much or am I letting like the internet do it? Or are we having conversations about college and preparing for that and grades and or what do you want to, you know, how do you want life to look like later or relationships or things like that? So, I think those are some things that you can do assess first what the relationship's like, see opportunities of how you can change that relationship. Take a look at the way that you communicate with those that you love. If you're in the administrator role or if you're now transferring to the parent coach role and you want more, more tips. I mean, it's so specific to about what people are struggling with because some people are dealing with pornography issues. Some people are dealing with bullying issues. Some people are dealing with, you know, or just trying to get their young one to actually have friends like it's.
Hilary: It's not a prescription. If it is, we'd probably all be out of a job.
Hollie: Yeah exactly. But you can always assess your part in the way that you're showing up. And a lot of our insecurities can come up and be reflected in those that we love be triggered. And we can react poorly because of that. You know, our insecurities of how we want to be seen or accepted or sometimes just also feeling like you're working for nothing right like that. You don't get the respect that you want from those that you're carrying a lot for, right? And teaching them some self-awareness of who you are as a person to you and having some empathy for you in the process is difficult.
Hilary: Perfect. So, here's the good news and the bad news. The bad news is that we are out of time and we could sit and listen to you guys all afternoon. But here's the good news you guys mentioned that this is a series. So, this is just book one. So, kind of to conclude and to wrap up our podcast for today, tell us a little bit about maybe what we have to look forward to and where to find your book for those parents that want more.
Josh: Our books on Amazon, so if you look at Bang Head Here by Josh Brazier and Hollie Henderson, you'll find us there. We're working on in the next little bit getting the second book out there, which is really going to kind of dive into a connection like creating a culture of connection. We give a lot of great advice there just to, like Hollie said, it's really hard to get really specific because there's so many different things going on. But you know, Hollie in her trainings, our coaching together. We've really come up with some great insights on like, “Hey, here's just some things you can start to try daily to help connect” and then Hollie you want to go to book three
Hollie: Actually, book two is about cracking the communication code.
Josh: My bad, I went into three didn’t I?
Hollie: Yeah and so book two…
Josh: Book three is my favorite, so here I am. Hollie writes a lot of it
Hollie: We actually this book was so heavy, we realized like, parents are not going to be able to sit down and read a 300 page book. So, we broke it down. First was you take a look at you because if we don't start with you and the way that you have been conditioned in your from your parents, in your life and what you're bringing into your current life and how you're addressing the relationships, if we can't have you take a look at you, you're not going to be ready for book number two because book number two says, OK, now let's really take a look at the way the words that you're using and how you frame a sentence and how your loved one is reacting. For example, maybe, maybe somebody is upset that you're asking to have the dishwasher empty, “come and do the dishwasher”. “No Mom! I’m busy, I’m doing things” you know, or whatever reaction and you're upset because you're like, “Dude, I have asked you to do nothing that I wanted you to do today, but just empty the dishwasher”. Right? It's different when you approach it. “Hey, hon. Mom was really tired today. It would make me so happy if you could empty my dishwasher for me”, right? So, then you got a kid that's like, “Oh, I can shine for you. OK”. You know, and then after they do it, you celebrate them and they're like, “Oh, you were amazing! Thank you so much”. So, we talk about a lot of those tools that you need to break down a conversation and be successful so that the one that you love isn't just turned off and, you know, traumatized or and or upset, you know, you don't want that to happen. And then, of course, like Josh was saying, book three is then creating the family team that or the community team that will help build your teenager or the traditions that you can put in place that we talked at the beginning of the hour or half hour to create that family culture in a way that's healthy.
Josh: I got I got a little bit ahead of myself there.
Hilary: It's the excitement level, and that's OK.
Josh: It's more that have a total dude mind where I just, you know, lots going on up there and I just kind of forget details. So, Hollie is very patient with me, that is for sure.
Hollie: Well, no, that's a good thing about him and I working together as we have, we're able to give a male -female perspective because there will be times I'll come to Josh and say, Well, what do you think? You know, from the boys that you're working with and the fathers, what do you think about X, Y and Z? And he can give me a perspective and we can share that back and forth. So that's been really nice about our partnership.
Jen: That is super awesome, we really appreciate you coming and being here with us today. When I was looking your book and I saw it was like a 160, I think something like that and I'm like, OK, I can do that. I can do 160 pages So I really like it that you've taken it in little slivers. And I think that's really beneficial for families, other families as well.
Hollie: We're so thankful for you guys, thanks for this great conversation.
Jen: Yeah, well, thank you so much. And we thank our listeners for coming in and listening with us and learned today and we will see you next week.
Josh: Take care, everybody.
Jen: Thank you for listening to the Parents' Place podcast, if you would like to reach us, you can at parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org or you can reach Jen on Facebook. Jen Daly - The Family Place. Please check out our show notes for any additional information. Our website is the family place you talked for if you're interested in any of our upcoming virtual classes. We'd love to see you there.
Subject Resources:
- You can find their book here: https://www.amazon.com/Bang-Head-Here-Part-EQUATION/dp/B09RM4DRQC
Contact us:
-Email us questions or topic ideas: parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org
-Record questions here: https://anchor.fm/theparentsplace
-Parent's Place FB Page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/196037267839869/
Music by Joystock
- https://www.joystock.org
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