Relationships are a part of our daily life. We see them in our family, work, on social media, TV, and movies. With all of this exposure, it is natural for our teens to want to be in relationships. Antonio is here for Right From The Start to chat about how we can help teens get on the right path for healthy relationships. Come and dive into a great conversation about modern teen dating, concerns, and what to talk to your teen about! You won't want to miss this episode!
Antonio Ledbetter was born and raised in Gastonia, North Carolina. He moved to Columbus, Georgia in 2014. He has been married for 9.5 years with 4 children.
He earned his Bachelors degree from Morehouse College in Philosophy. He currently works with Right From The Start as a Facilitator and Relationship Educator.
He is a family man that is an avid book reader and anime fan.
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Jen: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast with Hilary and Jen.
Hilary: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast. Today we are excited that you are here. We have a special guest with us today and we are so excited that he has taken this time out of his schedule to be with us and to share some information that I think you as listeners are really going to appreciate. So, this is Antonio Ledbetter, and I'm just gonna turn it over to you, Antonio, if you wanna share a little bit about yourself, who you are and what you do.
Antonio: Sure. Absolutely. Thank you for having me in. Where I'm at in Columbus. Good afternoon. I'm not sure if it'll be morning when we're in it because you guys are afternoon cause. I know the time is different, but a little bit about myself. So starting off my name is a little weird. It's actually John Antonio Ledbetter. But my dad was also John. So just went to the Antonio, Park. I'm originally from Gastonia, NC. I graduated, went to Morehouse College in Atlanta, which is an HB CU. After that, well, that's where I got my degree in philosophy. And so, I love to think that is my whole life. And so, when I found it and got it, my wife and everyone else that you know, has seen it knows it's like, yeah, that fits you. I am one of six kids. My mom had six kids, three boys, 3 girls. Married now for 9 1/2 years. It's a book worthy kind of story. It's long story. It's all connected. We have 4 kids. The two oldest are from previous relationships and I've known her from 15 years. I met her 10/09/08 at 6:54.
Hilary: You plan that right.
Antonio: No, I didn't plan it. I did not plan it. Just a very weird, inspirational day.
Hilary: Well, what a fun story to be able to share. Yes, coincidentally. So that's amazing.
Antonio: My specialty. I'm a healthy relationship educator, and so what I do is I challenge every day I get to challenge 9th grade high school kids to think. I challenge them to think about relationships, how to be leaders and how to navigate our culture today. And the culture is something. It's a monster all by itself, both good and bad. It has good parts, but it also has bad parts, and you've got to filter through all of what's there.
Hilary: I think there are many that are listening to what you're saying and as you share that you are working with 9th graders, I think there's a lot of people that are in their hearts are saying bless you dear man, because there's not very many individuals that could say. OK, my goodness. I love working with teens. So, what drew you to that teenage population?
Antonio: So, as my Christian background, honestly, I believe strongly this God led me to this field. I definitely believe it's a calling. I don't think it's for everybody, but it I kind of ended up working towards this with that kind of leading. I started being a para-pro to 4th. I didn't realize all of it came with 4th grade and then I ended up working with pre-K Kids and I absolutely love working with pre-K kids and then I ended up working with the Methodist home, working with boys who had had issues and challenges in life which led me to working in the public high schools, doing what I do now. Also, I had a phenomenal mentor, Mrs. Austin. She spent a year helping me to hone my skills and get some of the ends and outs on how to, you know, do what I do.
Hilary: Yeah. Ohh that's fantastic. And I say that with all jokes you know, because I both Jen and I have teens and I think that for me, my oldest is my oldest is 14. So, we're just beginning this realm of teenage years and there are times when. There I look at him and think what is going on in that brain of yours, but then there are other times where I say to myself this is such a fun stage of life and I love being a parent to a team and being able to watch them grow and learn and develop and build skills and gain their own opinions and perspectives. And so, I think there's so much going on during that stage of life that.
Antonio: There is so I mentioned I had four and having four. Coincidentally, they all are five years apart. And so the oldest, she's 18 and then 13 and then eight and then three. My, my son is the youngest. So 3 girls, 1 boy.
Hilary: So exciting.
Antonio: My son is 3 and each of them has their own personalities and they've now you know how they navigate. Life is completely different. So, I definitely I can say without sounding churchy I practice try to practice what I preach. It's definitely interesting. And you're right, every stage of life with kids, there's a blessing and a part that you gotta work with.
Jen: I remember I had a coworker that would always say this may be a hard year in your child's life, just developmentally and whatnot, but remember that they will only be three once and they will only be five once and so enjoy those good things that come along with. Those ages and so I try to remember that when. That my 17-year-old, being 17.
Antonio: Every the same way we do with seasons you like I do not like the cold that comes with winter, but I absolutely love eggnog and hot chocolate and the snow when it's just enough snow to look on the ground and be pretty. I love those parts, so it's appreciating what's there for what it is you have to and that I believe it's no different than with parenting.
Hilary: Yeah, yeah, that's awesome. So, I want to learn a little bit more about what exactly you teach to these youth in in the educational setting. But before we do, let me ask you. So, you talk about, you know, teaching youth about healthy relationships. Let's start with why like, why is that so important? Why is that something that we need to focus on, both as parents and as an educational system? Why is that something that we want to want to do?
Antonio: Relationships impact every part of our lives. Family, School, academia, later academia. Even if you, you know, don't do regular schools, whatever form of academia you do, your work experiences, who and how you date, marry, and unless you plan on living in a bunker, you're gonna have to deal with relationships. And even in the bunker, you still gotta deal with you. So you're going to deal with relationships, including the relationship with yourself. Another part which is kind of my passion for it is I learned healthy relationships if they're done right, healthy, they help us live longer and to be happier. In fact, the most important factor to human happiness is relationships. There's a Harvard study study of adult development. It's an 85year, I think now it's 80 plus years. Study done it was published in Harvard Gazette and it's on all on YouTube. But Robert Waldinger and Mark Schultz at Mark Schultz always say their names wrong, but they did this study. On adult development, 80 year study looking at guys that and it was guys and girls, but guys from when they were really little all the way up until in their 90s and they looked at what made the difference and it he came away with three big lessons. He wrote a book called The Good Life. And three big lessons about relationships that he found was social connections are really good for us, and loneliness kills. Loneliness is as powerful a killer as smoking and alcoholism. And another lesson was not just the number of friends. It's not about the number of friends you have. And it's not whether or not you're in a committed relationship. It's the quality of your close relationships that matter. The quality is what matters the most good relationships don't just put these will he? If you watch his Ted talk, this is what he talks about in his Ted talk. But it's worth bearing and hearing again. If you've never heard it, hearing it for the first time. But if you've heard it, just listening to it again, it's a reminder. Good relationships don't just protect our bodies, they also protect our minds. Having someone you can rely on helps your nervous system relax, helps your brain stay healthy, and is even known to reduce emotional pain. You can bear more in life when you have somebody there with you. It's one of the things that we understand with football. And, you know, passage of rights when you have people that join with you, you can deal with it something. Because I'm also a nerd in doing my own research, I found and they've done brain scans on it. When a person is rejected like you, you're talking to somebody and they are purposely not listening to you, choosing to ignore you. They've shown on brain scans. It literally shows like a physical hit like damage. Like pain, damage to you and someone ignoring you on purpose. That's crazy to me, but it's it makes sense. We need people. We need relationships.
Hilary: Well, I am somewhat familiar with that Ted talk, but we will make sure we include that in our show notes. Cause like you said. That is a great video and also the book as well too to resource for our viewers, so we'll make sure that they have that included. I love one of the things I love about that Ted talk and you stated it yourself, is that idea ofquality versus quantity because I think that our world is sending the opposing message to our youth that they need to have a huge circle around them and so many followers on social media. And if you don't have that, that you don't mean you're not, you know you're not worthwhile and so.
Antonio: You're not important.
Hilary: I love that reminder.
Antonio: And it's exactly the opposite. It's exactly the opposite. It. What does it mean to have 10,000 or 10 million followers and be lonely? Have no one. If you get sick, no one to come check on. You all they can do is go. Ohh no they haven't posted today.
Jen: Those really aren't true relationships. I mean, you're you have a relationship with a screen pretty much and that's. That becomes the lonely part because you do need that connection with people.
Antonio: Yeah. And we are doing it. Culture has pushed making this is me, but culture is pushed making money and the dopamine addiction of I can scroll and I can scroll and I can scroll and I can scroll to the point where you all of the time that you spend on TikTok. And I don't get me wrong. I love my TV shows and books and, you know, reading and all of those things, but. Not spending time with the people that you care about the most, it's almost impossible to find in culture today somebody that would go on it. Like, if you're dating somebody to go out on a date and then not look at their phone. Making it even to making it a challenge, whoever pick up their phone first has to pay the bill, there's. I'm trying to make it quote UN quote fun, but that's one of those things you won't even realize you do it. We've made our phones, people.
Hilary: And our priority when it comes to people, so yeah.
Antonio: And our priority. Literally in classrooms, if a teacher has to take a kid's phone or the principal takes their phone, the kid shuts down and they're like their whole world is ending. And at first I used to, you know, look like, ohh you poor child. You just need to lose, you know, let that go. But I left my phone at home one day and. Set you know, after a class lift in the break in between was almost wanting to go hide in the corner and just kind of huddle for a second. Like oh man, I what happens if I don't have it we've it's bad. Let me just say it's bad.
Jen: There's a great commercial that it shows the person in two different situations and one is always looking at his phone and it shows all of the things that he missed as he was looking at his phone and then it would show him without his phone and I just love the ending part because he knocks into a girl and then they end up going and having coffee together or something like that. But it's just like. Same scenarios in both, but what you miss and then what you got just by taking those moments of not being on your phone.
Antonio: Hey madams. And what's funny is we spend so much time on them that we don't where we could be connecting with others. We don't.
Hilary: Yeah, you know, it's interesting. I was. I was with a group of friends a few weeks ago. We were talking about this idea of phones and having phones that were always with us. Easily accessible at any point, and it's so interesting. You will. You will both remember this. It was not that long ago when we did not have cell phones. And you know you would call someone's house. And if they weren't home, you'd leave a message and eight hours later that person would respond back. And that was normal. And it wasn't a big deal. We weren't stressing out about did they get the message? Did they not get the message? But we are so accustomed to having this instantaneous response and if we don't get that, it does. It costs us a lot of stress and.
Antonio: And anxiety and kids today is this there, they literally. I've watched, you know, being in the classrooms with all these kids. They in so many different classrooms. If boyfriend texts in the middle of class and girlfriend can't answer the phone. They that you just helped them start an entire drama field. So, so you just ignoring me? OK, so we need to think about breaking up if you just gonna ignore my message. When I messaged you. My momma's calling and they will make whatever excuse whatever my mom's calling me. I gotta. I gotta go to the bathroom. Emergently, whatever it takes to have it be instant. And it meet that need of. OK, I connect it a little bit. It still shows that we need to connect just. Not quite the right way.
Jen: I'm just thinking this can't be the well, I know it's not healthy for relationships. Because of the fact that you can't base a relationship off of texts or phone calls or whatnot.
Antonio: It's so funny. I go into that a lot with them that, you know, they in their everyday conversations they end up with the black screen of death, which is they keep it their screen off on mute and the in text you can be way more bold or way more edgy than you would normally be in text versus being with the person. And because of it, a lot of the kids when I showed them an example. They're like, Dang, why you do make it look weird, versus being, you know, one-on-one with somebody like why? Why is it weird that you don't have anything to talk about that it's just y'all, too sitting together? I mean, we already said everything we need to say. Well, once you pick the phone back up, you're gonna go right back to talking. Right back to full, blah, blah, blah, blah blah, all the rest of the night. And then they've gotten to where one of the things that they do is they fall asleep on the phone together. That's a type of intimacy that they see. They gotta get those minutes in. Get that time up. I was like, what are you in being silly, but what? Are you in? Nothing, just it's a goal. You just. That's how you know you're close. Is how long you spend on the phone with the person. We made it. Me and my Boo as I had one student go. Me and my Boo. We made it to 24 hours on the phone together. Wow, that means you didn't hang up your phone at all. Like y'all went to sleep. You just said it on mute while you in the shower while you on the bed. You know, in the bathroom they just went with you and you just. It's amazing how much. We are connected and how different it is today.
Jen: I never would have thought that that was. Looked at as a source of intimacy.
Antonio: It's a big sign of boyfriend girlfriend for them.
Jen: That is so interesting because it's so.
Antonio: Not everybody. Not everybody's right, but it's definitely in there.
Jen: But it's so far from the truth. That's not what you know. Connection is empathy. Being there, I mean, that is just so I never would have thought that some kids think.
Antonio: It's about the presence. Yeah, it's like and I joke with them because I ask, why do y'all do that? And they're like, I don't know. Well, we did weird things. You know, one of the things that I did, I can't speak for everyone. But one of the things that I remember growing up that was really corny. What people did it was they would joke back and forth. Now you hang up, girl. You hang up now you hang up. And that's so far from what they do instead they just like, let's fall asleep on the phone together. And it's like, but it it's about their presence. It's like they're right there with you. So, you get an image of it without getting the full person. Which is what they're walking around with an image of people. I just looked at this one commercial, not commercial meme, cause, you know, memes are powerful. It had an apple in a mirror. And the apple and the mirror on the side that was facing the, you know, the part that the mirror saw had this smooth red apple, and it was gorgeous and shiny. But on the other side, the side that you could see, the apple was bitten into, and it had already started to turn Brown. And it was like half the apple was cut out. On the inside and it was the meme was talking about our reflection and how we look at society and how society sees us when it comes to Instagram and Facebook and all these social media things they don't get to see the real you. They get an image and we live on that image.
Hilary: Hmm, that is such a. That's such a powerful analogy, because I think you're so right. It would be intriguing to sit down with these couples after their 24 hour date or whatever they prefer to it. And say, OK, well now give me an how much you actually learned about each other to find out how much they actually know about each other through that process? Because like you said, we're on the device. And so we can strategically choose to show what we feel is our best self. And if there's a time where I'm like, no, I've got to I gotta fix my hair. Give me just a. Second, I can put. The phone down so you only see. That fraction of what I want you to truly see.
Antonio: Which is every time in your power in your control. Hold on. I don't want to see this back up and then try to get into a real relationship where all of those wonderful flaws show up. It's very different world.
Hilary: Yeah. So, I'd love to hear a little bit more as too. So, you mentioned again earlier that you go into you go into schools and you teach educational programs. Tell us a little bit about these programs. That you teach.
Antonio: The program I teach is real essentials from the relationship center.
Hilary: OK.
Antonio: I don't know, I've adapted what they've given out and they have a phenomenal course and set of principles and I just worked with what I know from life experience into that.
Hilary: So real,
Antonio: But really, simply what we teach.
Hilary: Real essentials is that a program that can be asked, accessed nationwide, where like if we're in different states, how can we go about seeing if that is something that's offered in our area?
Antonio:That's a great question. I know it the website. Is the myrelationshipcenter I believe.
Hilary:OK.
Antonio: But real essential stands for relationship education and leadership. I'm sorry, I should have said that earlier. The relationship, education and leadership. And so I use all those words to all of the words in that acronym to point out what? You should be looking forward to when it comes to life and so what I end up being able to do is talk to kids about healthy relationships and why they should wait to have sex as one of the big goals as well as how to be a leader in life. Because you kind of have to have both if you want to be successful. The two you know. For me, when I was in high school working my way up to college as a young philosopher, it was filled with a million thoughts. I thought, well, the only two things I know that everybody you know when you see people really old and they're successful is they have a great husband or wife and they have a lot of money. So how do I get there? How do you get there?
Hilary: OK. So, for those of us that may not have that program in our area, not that you have to go through everything right now on this podcast, but what are some of the basic takeaways that maybe listeners can start to have those conversations with their kids at home?
Antonio: One of the biggest. Uh. I would even go a lot of teens have misconceptions about relationships, and so I would probably. Because it's it ends up being on the parents to talk about it a lot, which I'll go more into, but a lot of it is just understanding some of the misconceptions that teens have. You don't have to date, you don't have to have sex. You don't have to be with someone. You don't have to be popular. You don't have to fit. You don't have to be loved by someone at your school. Boyfriend. Girlfriend. You know, you do need friends, but you don't need a whole lot of friends. And you need to work on having purpose. What do you what do you want out of life? What do you want to do? And what's crazy is during that time, you're still learning who you are. That's your. That's like your life goal at this point is learn who you are. Who are you? What do you want? And unfortunately, culture again, I'm not attacking culture cause culture has some great things, but one of the things that it does is it sells us this fairy tale of. Get them. Got them. Good. OK. Gotta get a girl. Gotta get a girl. Gotta, girl gotta gotta get a guy. OK, I got him. Come on, Boo thing. We're gonna do this? Yeah. You don't wanna do this with me. Well, then, fine. Forget you, Boo thing. I'll go find out what I wanna do with my life myself, and then I'll find me a Boo thing. Well, let's do that first. Find out what you want to do. Fairy tales sell so many misconceptions in our American culture. You're gonna find this person you'll automatically get there. You'll connect and it'll be happily ever after, even down to. And don't get me wrong, I do believe. That there there's it's more to it, but we are really big on finding the one. And once you Zing, connect, click with that person, you vibe really well there. That that's it. You don't need to do any other searching. And I don't know if you guys have had kids around the time of frozen the movie frozen, but I think it's a wonderful example because she finds this guy in the movie. And they click. But you find out. Really, you know soon in the movie. I mean, it's like a short 3 minute song. There's their whole relationship. It's 3 minutes. Short 3 minute conversation and then they go. Can I ask you something crazy? And she goes, can I say something crazier? Yes. And it was like, wait a minute. Whoa. How did you get to where you finish each other? Sandwiches like this finish each other. Sentences. That was, you know, that was the joke that they made. That's what I was gonna say. And it's exactly where kids are today. Is Ohh. Yeah. We did sort of think the same. No, you didn't. You really didn't. And it takes somebody being like the older sister Elsa and being like you just met this man. Slow down. You just met them. Relationships don't happen or shouldn't, in my opinion, happen as fast as they do. And that's where a lot of teens mess, you know, mess up. That's where a lot of parents should be able to give their advice. It's a lot like buying a house. Honestly, you buy a house and even if it's the House of your dreams, there's still something in the house usually, usually that you're like. I don't really want that part and you evaluate and you decide, is this really, you know what's gonna work for me? But you have you together to know that and you get a lot of kids that don't know themselves at all. Personality. What do you like? And you know, there's a person that I go over personality test and course piece on fighting out in this four animals and I won't go into all of that today. But just knowing your personality makes a huge difference. Knowing who you are being OK with, being by yourself. In many different situations, can you go to the library by yourself? Can you go to the movies by yourself? Are you going to be uncomfortable being by yourself at any of these places? If so, if you easily get bored of you, what's gonna happen if you get somebody else? What most kids do is they get somebody going. Alright, I'm bored. Entertain me, Boo thing. Begin, start, go. Even after having a conversation having I play a game with them, having a conversation and just pass a tennis ball go, let's have a basic conversation. How are you doing today? And then as you know, they say something and then respond back. And what I found is funny is in just having that little bit of conversation, most people don't know how to throw the conversation back. By asking something as simple as asking a question and they'll sit there and look, they'll get ready to try to throw me the tennis ball and I won't reach out for it until they, you know, ask me a question. And then usually there at some point because we don't do silence and just being still, well, like your average person doesn't do well longer than 10 seconds. Isn't that crazy? 10 seconds. And then you're like, alright, let's do something. So when they start getting anxious, they'll throw the tennis ball at me and I'll just let it hit me or let it fall. And then they just look like. Now I'm at this weird part and I'm like, wait, you didn't. What am I supposed to do? Conversations like playing tennis, it's like a tennis game. I throw you the ball. I hit it to you, you. Hit it back to me. And where they are today is they will end the conversation with something that you can't start a conversation off of and you expect the other person to do it. So be like, how's your day? Great.
Hilary: OK, where do I go from here?
Antonio: Wait, wait, wait, wait. You want me to what you're doing is putting it on me to continue the conversation. And I'm. I'm not judging anybody, cause I've you know, they're adults who do it, and I've had to learn how to communicate to do better. But if you don't add anything to it, if you don't ask me a question, it stays with you. And they are learning how to have that kind of conversation. Because text takes that ability away, and you made a conversation like you do a text. It would literally be the same as if I were going. And then start back when I feel like it because. That's what we do in text. literally that where you just stop. How many texts have you ever gotten where you you see the text and you respond when you feel like it. You can't do that in real life.
Hilary: Oh yes.
Antonio: With a person staring at you, you can't do that, but technology and how we communicate today has gotten us there.
Hilary: You know, I as you're describing these, I'm just envisioning like a spider web because like you said, healthy relationships. You said this at the beginning, healthy relationships affect everything in our life. They affect, they affect our home life, they affect our careers, they affect our education. And this was a great example of you just sharing like. This is communication 101. What we assume most people know and or have learned at some point, but having healthy relationships in your life outside of just on devices allow us to build that skill. And so I'm just thinking, man, this goes, I mean, having these relationships in our lives. It takes us back to even elementary age when we're living these basic social skills and social cues that are gonna help us succeed in life.
Antonio: And it's just like math. It's just like math. And what's funny is most people, when they're first learning their number, like they first get it with 2 + 2 = 4 and. All that I get it, got this. Don't have to work any, but all math does is build on other math, right? That's literally how math works. You start with your 2 + 2 and then you get to 2*2 and then you get 2 divided by twos. And it starts going crazy after that. But once you've got the foundation, which is a lot of where teenagers get is they've got the foundation of life. And so it's that's part of why they feel like they know everything. I've got the foundations. I know 2 + 2, I know 2 2 you. Have to tell me that I can do math. But trigonometry and calculus build off of those things. You'd be amazed at how much information and how many things we take for granted that we know that we never dive into. I did a challenge with one class on everyone knows their ABC's Right. I'm not trying to insult anybody's intelligence, but everybody knows ABC's. But how? Well, if I were to pick a random letter and ask you to go backwards, could you go backwards? From that, you know from that letter. Without the song. Without the song, can you go? It's amazing. Everyone knows their ABC's, but how well. And I'm not changing anybody to do that, cause I I'm gonna be honest with you. I couldn't do real well with my ABC's going backwards at the time either.
Hilary: Not without the song. I need the song.
Antonio: I need the song, but it ends up being just like that to where you can truly believe you know a lot more than you think you do. And it takes time to realize you don't. One of my favorite quotes. And man, I want to make sure I get his name right and I always mess up his name. The author who did Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer. Mark Twain? Yeah. One of my favorite quotes he did was when I was 14, I thought my father was the dumbest man who ever lived. But when I turned 21, I couldn't believe he got so smart in seven years. It's because some of those things you only start to understand as you get older. As you experience more in life and dealing with teens, they have the ideas, but something I would bring out to parents to know that blew my mind and working with kids is so prefrontal cortex, which is where you do your long term thinking. Doesn't activate for them until 21. They can't plan out five years from now easy or like and I'm not gonna lie as an adult, I have a hard time remembering and thinking of what I'm gonna do for tomorrow. And you're asking a teen to figure out what they want to do with the rest of their life when they can't. They literally cannot process five years from now. We put a lot in that and I'm not. I'm not judging any parent. They still need to have goals. They need to, you know, work towards those goals. It becomes your job to help them get those goals. And work towards that and that that's one of the things I was gonna bring up later. But as a parent, you are their biggest teacher. You are their biggest influencer. Your opinion, your influence matters. And another quote that I learned today because I love quotes. That actually I feel like would help is the most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any. Is Alice Walker the most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any. There are a lot of parents who don't believe that they have influence with on. Their kids and you still are their biggest influence 70 and you know, studies and resources show it 70% and more kids still see their parents as their biggest influence. Yeah. How much more should that be seen when it comes to something like an issue or, you know, a talk on dating or having sex or any of the big things that you're like? Ohh God, you know, I need them to be prepared for life well. You gotta do it. Yeah, your job as a parent and where I go into most high schools, most kids don't have those kinds of conversations because it's uncomfortable. And the other part, I mean, there's a lot to it. One side for the kid is, oh, my God, I don't wanna talk to my parents about this. It's a little bit embarrassing. And they're gonna make it awkward, and they're gonna overreact, and they're gonna be judgmental. And again, I can't judge anyone cause between me and my wife. My wife is wonderful at having those kinds of pieces she is. And so my kids talk to her. If it's something that's like mom. I deserted it. She knows how and I would suggest that as a skill every parent needs how to calmly. And coolly. Respond and listen. Just listening. Mom, I found this boy in. My school, he's so cute. And be like ohh yeah. Versus me, who's? Like what? What's his name?
Hilary: Where's his address? I need to hunt him down.
Antonio: Where's the leader? Who are his parents? I'm gonna look him up on the Internet. You show me his picture. Come show me instead of overreacting. That is what they fear the most is overreaction. They want your opinion. They just don't solely want your opinion. As in you look down and talk down going. This is what you need. It is a balance to all of this. Of course. There are boundaries and all of that, I strongly believe. That one of the biggest pieces is not you're not their friend. You're their teacher and you are literally their life coach. You're a life coach. Yeah, you help them with the rest of their life. You're there to encourage them. You're there to challenge them. You're there to make sure they have the discipline they need. And you don't get paid for it. All of that, and you don't get paid for it, but there's not, ever. It's rewarding in its own sense, and I've talked to many a grandmother and grandfather and they say the real reward is grandkids. I haven't got there yet. I'm going to be slow on that. But the real reward is grandkids. So.
Antonio: If any parent out there struggling with Oh my God, why do this parenting thing? Why not just, you know, send them to Alaska and just leave them there. Grandkids. If you want grandkids, grandkids.
Hilary: OK, you remember that! Thank you. But you know, I think that that is like such a good reminder to parents, because I think a lot of parents get this idea in their head that I do a lot of guidance and direction when they're young. But then they hit those teen years and they're kind of just on their own. And I'm just now observing. And I think that we need to remember that. We can take more than just an observer role like they still need us. They still need us. They may need us more than they have before.
Antonio: They need you now more than ever before because the world is both kind and cruel. Culture is out to get them in it and where I keep saying culture and it's not all negative but it's not all positive and I'm not gonna pretend like it is. And there's a lot that's going on TV just that just three; violence, sex and the amount of cussing is out in the world, and I'm not against, you know, I'm not saying anything on it, but just looking at it's 300%. Increase over what it was less than 20 years ago. I remember TV when and I'm again. I'm not against all of the pieces, but there are some that just have you have to be like, why is that? I remember cartoons where the husband and wife. You never saw them even being in the same bed now you have strangers who were in bed, and it's the start of the show, yeah. It's just a lot another piece I would bring up is kids are watching way more than you realize. You are their biggest role model, so it's not just what you say, it's also what you what they see, what you do, they see it most. And I kind of wouldn't mind if you would help me out and just cause. I'm one that I'm a visual and I like using my hands, so I'm gonna give you an example to show what I do with them to get the example and so I saying bring it up like learning how to have relationships is a lot like how you would do with language. Where did you learn your language from? Your parents and so work with me. I'm gonna go. If the parents speak English, would the parent if the parents speak English? What? The kids speak English. Parents speak French. Would kids speak French? Swahili. Fair relationships. They get it whether they want to or not. They get it from their parents and what they see around them. And that's true and we, we know it in little pieces. I don't know if you guys I'm guilty of it. I know for sure any have you either of you or any of you guys out there listening. Have you ever had a moment where you like I sound just like my.
Hilary: Yes, most definitely.
Antonio: Did you intentionally do it? No. You are the sum of your habits. You are the sum of what you observe. The biggest way we learn as we observe. Which is amazing and scary. That's why I bring up culture as much as I do. You end up absorbing. More information than you ever would realize, and you pick it up and if someone would ask you, where'd you get that from? I don't know. We to this day and I don't know about you guys again, but my generation, we had these wonderful commercials that had these jingles. And you learn these jingles like it mattered. And you didn't try. Like I'm not the biggest coffee drinker, but I still remember the best part of waking up.
Hilary: Is Folgers in your cup!
Antonio: And they live rent free in my head. They have bought that part of my brain. I can't take it away. It's always there. And if you can have something like that, a quick little Jingle, stay in your head for the rest of your life. How much more, TV media, all those things again, all of it's not bad. But I'm saying, be aware of all that was there.
Hilary: You know, I think that that just the and like you said, like with culture, it's not always bad. But I think the thing about culture is that it is constantly changing as well too. Like you have showed us visually that our world is different than what it used to be. Even when we were younger. And so I think even just having an involved parent to help them maneuver. The cultural changes, because they may be seeing things that they haven't seen before and may not necessarily have formed an opinion yet on them and so being able to. And provide some insight and remind them of values and expectations to be able to say, yeah, you know. This is new to me too, but this is how I feel right now. How do you feel right now? I think it's just so important with how quickly our society is moving that we are that we are in the loop when it comes to our kids so that we can continue to help, to guide and direct them.
Antonio: And one of the best cause I I'm one. I love hearing other people's advice. I have listened to 11 young lady, Young, older than me, but young. She, I ask. What would you know when? You had successful kids that you didn't kill, and you raised them and there's. You know in college how did you do it? And she said, well, I talked to him. I kept it hot. I was like, where'd you get that from? And it was from a preacher, Tim Ross. And he goes with this acronym. Hot, Humble, Open, Transparent. Choosing to be humble, open and transparent. That's what they need. Need when you're talking to your kids, be humble, open and transparent. She was telling me that what she did was her. You know, if her daughter asked her a question, she'd be like, I'm gonna tell you the truth. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. I'm gonna be honest with you. I may say that's not an answer I can give you right now. But I'm gonna be honest with you. The other part was and you know it, it depends on the parent and your personal experiences and things. But your experiences can help shape them the right way. Being able to talk to them on global issues. Hey, I had a I have a friend at work. You, you know, on the drive home and it's just you and you let's say son or daughter son with this example. Hey son, you know, I just man, I have a coworker. He's dealing with some binge drinking. You know what that is? And keeping the conversation global. So it's not like you're zooming in on them at 1st and it just being a conversation. What do you think about binge drinking? Do you know anybody you have any friends that talk about drinking? You. No, you think So what? Do you think about it?
Jen: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Antonio: I think that too well this this part I have seen with some of my friends. This was my experience when you can give and of course the. The goal is you know to be honest within reason not going too deep into too many stories but not too shallow and too many stories. But making it to where. You know, if you were going to talk to this person. Give them enough so that they understand what you're talking about. And it's amazing because in talking to the kids, you know, the hot button topic is talking about sex. Most kids never have had their parents talk about it. We could help steer one if I were to give anything to parents who are worried and specific, worried about their kids out there going and having sex. It would be if you have now, if you haven't, bring your story. Talk about your story. But if you have and you've made mistakes, talk to them about it. Yeah, you know I did. I ended up being with this person, and we did sleep together. And honestly, I wish that I wouldn't have. I didn't. You know, it wasn't the person I really wanted to be with, and time just went. I just let one thing lead to another and it I wish I wouldn't have. Those are the conversations that they need, that they don't get it because most parents are going well. If I tell them about it, then they're gonna judge me and look at me like I'm, you know, this or that. they are your biggest assets and they are your cheerleaders in times where you don't believe it, now, that's not to say they won't be kids and sometimes try to bring things back. So being wise with what you share. But being aware, they need to know. Of course. You know, doing it with tact. Yeah. I wish that I would have waited. Or I wish that I would have had this. I my mom told me that this person was no good and I didn't listen. If more parents shared those kinds of stories with their kids, the kids would be better off. I can't say that it would completely change every kid, and it's not a, you know, fix all formula at all, but it would definitely help. Because when I go in and talk to them, most of the kids I talked to in 9th grade never had a conversation with mom and Dad. And if they do have a conversation, my dads do stuff like this, they go to their daughters and say baby girl, you think about sex. Don't ever do it. Great job. Great. Glad we had this talk. If you do, I'm gonna shoot him. Great. Glad we had this conversation. And with sons ell, I gotta say something. Uh, what can I say? This catchy, but it still makes sense. OK, don't be silly. Wrap your Willy, son. There you go. That'll hold you. There you go. You got it. You know, there you go. Mom saying stuff like, well, my mom said, you know. Let it be with the person you love and you really want to be with them. Well, how do you know who that is? Make it special. What does that look like? What does it make it special look like? Do you mean candles and? What does that mean? Make it special? Talk to them. Use one of the things that I used to say that used to drive my kids crazy, and I still have to do to myself is say things like, especially when they're really little. Use your words, they get frustrated and wouldn't be able to say. Something it never stops as an adult. Use your words you have to. You have to.
Hilary: Ohh, you know, and as you're dialoguing this conversation, Antonio, I love how many questions you're posing to the kids. Like, that's the thing that I noticed. As you as we were having this as you were having this mock conversation. Well, tell me what you think about that. What does that mean to you? Because I love that we are getting their opinion like we're showing them that you are important and you are smart and your opinions matter to me. And I wanna hear them. And so I love how many questions you were posing to that to that child through that conversation as well.
Antionio: Their opinions matter.
Hilary: Because I. Don't think we do that enough either.
Antonio: We don't.
Hilary: It's a let me sit down and lecture to you. And then we're gonna be done with this for the hopefully the next 10 or 15 years, right? But finding out what they know.
Antonio: Umm, shut up and say on this matter. That's how we go. Shut up. Sit down. Hey, I'm telling you. And so I learned that from another program that we use utilize called Family first. And family first has it as a house and the top of the House, which I'm sorry I can't give you a better mental image at the moment, but the top of the House has you are in charge. Parent is in charge. That never changes. But under it kid has a voice. They have a voice. Still parent is in charge, so even if Mom, I'm really hungry. Yes, you have your voice and you have an opinion. It's not dinner time yet. We will. I heard you. We will eat dinner at 8:00, though. That's. I know that's very late, but I'm throwing it out. We will eat dinner at this time. Right you that's you handle both. I heard your request. I hear what you saying, but I'm still in charge. The other part is they have a role giving them a type of responsibility. You have a role in all of this. I you said that you were hungry. I heard you as. So this is what we do when we get inside you go ahead and get the plates out. This will help us move it along. Get the plates ready. Do you already know what drink you want? You can pour your drink while I'm finishing getting the food. You have a roll. As a matter of fact, while you're getting your drink, there's four of us. Get the other four drinks. Would you mind? Having responsibility is one of the then I'm not gonna lie to the dad part of me is. You need to learn how to be responsible in life. Being a leader, you never stop being responsible. You get to where I joke with the kids about it, but you get to where you get responsible for you. Then you get Boo thing, right? So then you become responsible for you and for Boo thing. Then you and Boo thing decide to fall in love and y'all have a kid. Well, guess what? You're responsible for you for Boo thing, for your kid. Your kid grows up, kid gets responsible. Do you stop being responsible? No. You are then responsible for you. You'll Boo thing your kid. They're Boo thing. They become a son-in-law or daughter-in-law. And what's crazy about it is I then asked them how many of you have ever seen your parents go into their parents fridge? Going into grandma and grandpa's fridge now, they may ask for permission, but do you still go in there, you're choosing to be responsible. It never stops. So, understanding now, you're gonna have to be responsible the rest of your life, but understand how to use it. Taking responsibility is your power as a kid. And we don't look at it like that. It's a weird way to say it, but let's just go with teenager, 16, able to drive. If their car would run out of gas. And they would get stuck somewhere. Run out of gas. They could, and some do. Just I'm trying not to get, you know, into some people's personal experience, but if you your kid would have run out of gas and go, uh oh, I ran out of gas. That's not my fault. It's not about fault. It's about responsibility and it being about responsibility. OK, son. Daughter. Cars out of gas, you are responsible for that. You have to be aware of how much gas is. In there and then you have to put that gas in there if you're gonna have a car, this is your responsibility with that car. Well, here's the connection, and I connect it to emotions and yourself when it comes to relationships. You also have to be responsible with your own emotional health and loving yourself something adults and kids are not good at is loving themselves consistently, and it's one of those cliche things like girl before you get in a relationship, you gotta love yourself. What does that mean? What does that mean? It's looking at all these wonderful parts and going ohh. I'm going to take care of myself, taking a day off and looking at yourself and working on yourself and being able to go, huh? I can do this without feeling guilty or shameful to be by yourself. Me and my wife went on a date and she spent uh. It was just one date that she did it, but she was the whole time going on my. I hope my, you know. I hope your mom is OK with. My mom's good. She had six kids. She knows what she's doing. Yeah, this is about us. Enjoy our time. Don't feel guilty. They will be OK. Cause Mom guilt and the whole. Well, I just wish that I. It doesn't help you. It doesn't help them. Love yourself.
Hilary: Yeah, I had somebody that told me one time. Healthy people attract other healthy people. You know, you talk about individuals that continue to fall into this cycle of unhealthy relationships, and they often ask themselves, why do I keep falling for this type of person or you know, why do my relationships always go South? And I think it's what you're saying here, that if we spend that time focusing on ourselves and knowing what we want and building our self-esteem and our self-worth. It just naturally comes that other people with those same qualities will gravitate towards us. We'll romantically and non romantic relationships. And so, I think that is such a powerful reminder to everyone that you are a valuable individual. So, take that time to build yourself up.
Antonio: Travel, explore. See. Do it makes a difference. It really does.
Hilary: I wish we could bottle you up for about the next five hours so we could continue this discussion. There is so much more I want to ask you, but our time has come.
Antonio: And I could go on and on, but I know that's not good for either of us
Hilary: So maybe let me leave you with one question. If you could leave both our youth and our parents of youth with maybe one final piece of advice. What would you give to them?
Antonio: One piece of advice. I would bring in one more piece of advice I would bring in. The RAM chart there's an there's a doctor, John Van EPP, who came up with this chart. It's the relationship attachment model and what he does. And I sum it up as quick as I can to get so you can get the idea is it goes, the more you know, someone, the more you trust them, the more you trust them. The more you rely on them, the more you rely on them, the more you're committed, the more you're committed, the more you can touch. I break it down in about 5 minutes. I can do this in a short amount. Of time. I promise it is there. I teach. There are 4 loves that we all know from the Greek. There's agape, which is love for strangers. And it's love for anybody. If somebody's, you know, homeless was like, hey, do you have money that I can have and you give a homeless person money? Or if you would help an old lady across the street or not get hit by a car, a agape love. There's Philia love. Philiais brotherly love. It's the love you have for your friends, and if you if you have a really close friend, which the time today is twin, if you have a really close friend, that person who can come to your house and spend the night and they could come to your go in your fridge and your mom would be like, yeah, that's fine. That person Pehlielove. Then you have is Storge. Storge is the Greek word that's connected with blood. It's we have a bond that is blood related. That's mom, dad, brother, sister, Auntie, uncle, cousin, right. Fresh Prince of Bel Air. He got in one little fight. His mom moved him with them, right. Blood because they were blood. It's when you see somebody a family reunion like hey. And they're like, hey, and you're like, I don't really know who they are. That's your cousin. OK. Blood. And then the last one. Is where we get the word Eros, which is where we get erotic. and Eros. Eros actually means more than what we made it today, and that is we've made it to where it's passionate sexual love, but it originally meant to becoming one. And what I try to give the kids is imagine being stuck on the side of a Cliff and hanging by just your pointer fingers holding them up. That's what we've made it today is. Ohh no, you're falling. I'll take my pointer fingers and pick you up. Or would you rather have what they originally mean, which would be to grasp their whole hand, to become one? Which one would you rather have if you were falling off the side of a Cliff? And so I bring it into perspective with this. Imagine how this is how crazy our culture has gotten. Imagine using that same example, those four that I just went with it using the shower basic shower again. Touchy subject for some people, but work with me. So how OK with with it? Is it for you if a husband and a wife take a shower together. Most of the kids in the class, most adults will be like. Yeah, that's fine. They're husband and wife. That's fine. Cool. What about? So that's Eros, Eros and his original meaning. What about? Storge. Is it OK for mom and kid to take a shower together and then everybody looks at me and goes, whoa, how old? Are you talking about? 2-3, you know, 2 year old, 3 year old. Yeah, that's fine. OK, what about 14 year old? No, they can't be in the same shower. Can they be in the bathroom? Yeah, if kid knocks and it's like, hey, mom, I need to grab my toothbrush or grab my hairbrush. Can kid come in, grab toothbrush, hairbrush, and then close the door with a shower curtain closed? Absolutely. Most people feel like that's OK, you know, general consensus. That's cool. What about best friend can best friend. At your school can best friend be in the bathroom while you're in the shower? For some ladies, they're like, yeah, yeah, but guys, it's a complete no, he cannot be in the bathroom while I'm in the shower, especially if he's gotta do #2. He's gotta get out. He's gotta go find a neighbor somewhere over there, right? I bring it up to be silly, but keep them engaged, but then I bring up this last one, which is. So stranger can stranger be in the shower while you're in the shower? No. No. OK, you can stranger to be in the. Bathroom while in the. Shower no. Can stranger be outside your door while you're in the bathroom, Sir? Can he be outside your front door? So not living room, not shower, not bathroom. Can they be outside your front yard? And usually there they're like. Yeah, it's fine as long as they're not. In my like all the other doors are locked. And I then I point out. But when you look at culture, what culture says is if you have a one night stand, a sneaky link, a quickie with this person that you've never met. You literally took person all the way, stranger. You took them all the way and put them shower level. And you were OK with it? You're OK with that idea? Shower level, intimacy without any knowledge, any facts, anything else. And you looked at me like I was weird. It's it matters to have those attachment pieces go in that order. The more you know somebody, the more you like, like the steps just go in that order. Touch should be off the table in any parts of those relationships until you've had a lot of time. So if I would leave you with anything touch, take it off the table until you've had much more time. Because touch can confuse your mind and trick you, it actually does trick you into feeling like you're closer to somebody than you really are. I think that would be what I leave.
Hilary: Yeah. Oh, I love the RAM model. I'm so glad you shared. That and we will. Include for those those listeners out there that are unfamiliar with the RAM model. We'll include that in the show notes as well shows like they had resources.
Antonio : I mean, his book, How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk. Wonderful.
Hilary: Yeah. Yeah. Ohh thanks for bringing. So many wonderful things. I appreciate everything you've shared and like I said, we could talk for hours. But I think what you've given us have been such insightful tools. And I know that our audience is so grateful for this information that you've given. So thank you.
Antonio: Absolutely. Thank you for having me.
Jen: Yeah, we loved it. And I just there's so much great information and so many great analogies. I love that being able to paint that picture for, for kids and for parents to help explain hard things. So thank you so much for being with us. We thank everyone for tuning in and listening as well. We want to remind you to be kind and patient with yourself, and we'll see you back here next week.
Thank you for listening to the Parents Place podcast. If you would like to reach us, you can. Inn at parents at TheFamilyPlaceutah.org. Or you can reach Jen on Facebook. Jen Daly – The Family Place. Please check out our show notes for any additional information. Our website is thefamilyplaceutah.org. If you're interested in any of our upcoming virtual classes, we'd love to see you there.
Subject Resources:
1. RAM Chart: https://ramseries.com/background/
2. How to Avoid Falling In Love With A Jerk book: https://a.co/d/d1U6Vzm
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