Why to parents ask so many questions and want to know everything in their Childs life? Sometimes these questions can feel like an interrogation. Luckily, Jen and Hilary are here to help explain why parents want to be involved in their children lives. They also walk through how parents can ask questions and how teen can set boundaries to strengthen the relationships between their parents and teens.
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Jen: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast with Hilary and Jen.
Hilary: Welcome! We are excited to have you with us today, so today is one of our ask away episodes where we have questions that were sent to us either from parents or even or potentially even from teens, questions that are burning inside of them and they don't know if they want to ask their parents. And so they ask us and assume that we have a fantastic answer to give them right? And sometimes we even sometimes get to know. So we've got two questions that were brought to our attention, both very similar. So I'm going to go ahead and read them both out loud. And these are being asked, I'm assuming by a teen , but it could be by a younger child. But a question says, “Why does my mom ask me a million questions all the time? It's so annoying. But then if I say something, she gets upset. Why?” And this is in bold capital letters, by the way, this question “WHY do they need to know everything?” And then the follow up question says, “How do I have a good relationship with my mom without telling her all of my business, I want to be close to her and tell her things, but I don't want to tell her everything , everything” And once again, bold letters. OK. So I read that question and I'm doing it right now. I'm smiling because I can see my children asking this exact same question to me because I am that mom. I am that mom that wants to know everything in bold capital letters. That's me to a tee. But you got to understand this. So I don't know if your house is different, Jen. But in my house, A typical conversation that I have with my kids when they get home from school. And mind you, like school five or six hours, it's an it's a long time for us parents. We miss you guys during that time frame. So I know it doesn't seem like a very long time, but it's kind of a long time. So my kids go home from school and I say to them, “Hey, guys, how was school today?” And what do they say to me? “It was fine.” Right? And I'm like, OK. Tell me what you did there, like the same thing, the usual or my daughter loves to say, I don't remember. And I always say to her, you were literally just there, like you were just there. You've got to remember something. And so it's like pulling teeth every single day to get any little bit of the detail as to what happened during that six hour period of time. And so I go into this question mode because I want to know. I want to know. And the reality is that we really do. I think as parents, we really want to know how your day was. We want to know how things are going. We want to know how things are with your friends and how things went at school and how subjects are and all those sorts of things. We care. We want to feel like we're in the loop and we want to help if help is needed. And what we don't get that information. We kind of turn into that, you know, interrogation mode unfortunately.
Jen: The eight ball that never goes away, right? That always says next question.
Hilary: I mean, do you have that with your stepdaughter when you ask her how her day was?
Jen: I have that on Monday. So it's just not one day of asking, how did your day go? It's like, how did your week go? And I want an answer for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday . And if she's not with us on that weekend, Saturday and Sunday, and it is really just that, we want to know what's going on in their lives, but. I mean. I put myself in their shoes. I hate it when I'm asked a bajillion questions, so if I hate it, they've got, I hate it again more.
Hilary: Yeah. And I'll tell you this. This might provide some comfort. I do this with my kids, but guess what, I also do this with my husband, too. And he responds the exact same way. I'm like, “How was work?” “It was fine.” But I a little bit more time. I need a little bit more information. So maybe it's just me. Maybe I had this personality that I just need to feel in the loop because he's the same way. And then I jump into or who did you talk to? You wanted to talk about? I want to hear about your conversations.
Jen: I know mine is when I ask my husband, “What are you doing?” “Doing the best I can.” I'm like, I don't ask you, what are you doing? Just to hear that? I hear, I want to know, what are you doing right now? Yeah, yeah. And it’s “Just the just the best I can.”
Hilary: Oh my goodness. Yes, it's funny. So I guess here's my answer. Do we need to know everything? No, we don't. We don't need to know everything. You are your own person. You make your own decisions. You have your own opinions. You don't need to share everything with us. But we do need to know some things, some things. Not everything.
Jen: Yeah. But I think it all comes out of how we ask the question because it's like, how was your day? Yeah, well, that just leaves you to getting the answer of just fine. It's true. So if we can ask more pointed questions. But it's hard. You just won't know everything. But my husband and I have turned to every night we say, What's the best part of your day? What's the worst part of your day. Just for him and I. For my stepdaughter, if we know she's had a test that weekend or that week that she wasn't with us, we ask her specifically about that. We ask her about her boyfriend and we ask her about very specific things, how driving going because she just turned 16 and she has her own car.
Hilary: So as parents, that's our job is to do less of the open ended questions and more direct specific questions regarding certain topics . And I, you know, I think the reality is, is that for most parents, we know what topics our teens are open to discuss with us and maybe what topics are ones that they're going to shy away from, or they might want a little bit more privacy and I think it's OK for us to sit down and have a conversation about, you know, what are some of those topics that you maybe rather keep a little bit more private and that's okay to have certain things that I don't think we openly share all the time . But I like that I like sitting down and saying, OK, tell me, how is math today? Do you have any math homework? Would you like some help with that math homework? Tell me with my kids. I always like to ask them who to do because they're younger. They're elementary age. Who did you play with at recess and tell me what you played? You know, instead of just saying, how what? How did it go today? So trying to pinpoint so clarity points where they're like, Oh yes, I just play at recess and I do remember who that was. Yes. And then that can lead into a further conversation about things that I may or may not want to know about, right?
Jen: Yeah. And that's why I always loved carpool when I was always picking up my nieces while I was going to college, just sit in the driver's seat and you're just quiet and they will talk about everything, and then you don't have to answer any questions or ask any questions because they'll talk about everything with their friends.
Hilary: That's true. That's true. And so sometimes, honestly, sometimes it's maybe even better just to, like, play this passive role of the listener rather than jumping in and saying, OK, tell me about your day. Tell me everything I want to know. I'm putting your child on the defensive, and then you kind of let them ease their way into the conversation. Yeah, that's a good that's a good tip.
Jen: For Teens I've heard from several teams. They like the passing of the book back and forth of mom and asks a question. They put it under their door. They answer and slide it back. So then if it's something hard for them, they don't have to look at you in the face.
Hilary: Yeah
Jen: It’s like, this is what it is.
Hilary: So, you know, those are probably my hardest conversations that as a parent, I have a hard time knowing how to maneuver is when I can clearly tell that my child is upset. And I say to them, what's wrong, what happened, what's going on? And they don't want to talk about it because here I am, just oh my gosh , just wanting to jump in and save unfortunately, which we know we shouldn't be doing. But it's hard when they don't want to talk about it, and I know that there is a problem that may. Maybe I could assist in if they would just share. And so I like that response of maybe, you know what, if this is a topic I want to share to your face, write it down has a back and forth. I think it's honestly OK to say for these teens and these kids out here, “Mom, I don't want to talk about it right now, but maybe a little bit later after I've had some time to myself”. Yeah, I mean honestly, you think about us as adults. There are times when I don't want to talk about things either. And when my husband pushes and pushes and pushes, it just makes it worse. Yeah. And so I think kids are the same way. And if we give them a little bit of time and space, they may be willing to open up at that point. So parents don't push, don't pry. It usually doesn't help.
Jen: Because it's going to close those doors on that open communication. And then the easy questions are now not want to tell you either.
Hilary: Yeah , yeah, that's true. You know, this is a tough one for me, but I'll tell you, you cute little teen that ask this question. As parents, we want to make sure that you have someone to talk to if needs be. We hope that it’s us. It may not be , but really, we want to make sure that you have someone and I'm not talking about a friend. Yeah. Yes, you can talk to your friends about tough things, and that's why friends are there and friends are helpful and supportive. But really, what we want to know is that you have another healthy adult you can talk to. Whether that be an aunt and uncle, a teacher, a mentor, a coach that there's someone out there so that if you maybe do feel a little bit uncomfortable talking to your parent about this, that you know you have someone else who you can turn to. I'll be honest, It's still hard for us as parents to hear. I don't want to talk to you about this. But if you can back that up with, but I'm willing to talk to my coach about it tomorrow, at least then we know that you have a safe person that you can go to if you need to.
Jen: I think it just, parents want to be a part of their kids’ lives and they care about their kids, and they want to know, and they want to know that they're healthy and safe and making good choices and all of that. So that's where it comes down to. And I think the second question was, why do I have to be or how can I have a good relationship with my mom and not tell her everything? I think instigate some of those things that you do want to do with your mom. If it's like I want to go grocery shopping, asked to go to those kinds of things and I think, I mean, these are teenage questions, really. I think if you sit down and say, let's figure out our relationship, what does that look like? And if that's apparent, then let's sit down with our kids or teens and say, I want to have a relationship with you as my teen child. What does that look like for you? I understand that you want some boundaries and some privacy, and you definitely deserve that. But where can we make those little steps to where we have that good relationship?
Hilary: Parents, I love this idea of letting your teens take the lead in this because I think that that is where the beauty lies. That's where you're going to find the most success. So if you can have this open conversation and keep using those you statements, “what do you think about this?” “What do you want to do?” “How do you want to discuss this and when do you want to discuss this?” Because I think anytime we can put the ball in their court, we're going to have more success.
Jen: Well, they have more control, which they want to harm. And so we're giving them that control on our terms in a way.
Hilary: And I love the idea of I think you mentioned this a little bit ago of just that idea of letting your team decide what questions and what topics you know or how many questions, “Mom, today you get to ask me three questions today. That's it”. So pick wisely.
Jen: So why is so mom really narrow that down to where you can get lots of answers with one questions right?
Hilary: Because there might be some days where teen comes home exhausted and just they just need some time to himself, and I think it's okay for them to say, Mom, you get two questions, and that's it. And then I'm going to go to my room and hide for a little bit, you know, or maybe I've had a great day and I want to share a lot. And I say, mom thrown at me. I'm ready for them all. And so letting them decide maybe where they want that dialogue to take.
Jen: So I just think it's all about control. And the more they think they have control. I think the better off we're all going to be. We all fight for it. We want it even as parents, we want control, but sometimes we have to give it up.
Hilary: Yeah, I will say this. This is to the teens out there. This to everyone out there, to be honest with you, because we all have this problem. But I will say this to our listeners who maybe have this question. We, us parents, we're going to take these conversations and we're not going to push and pry and direct as often. If we can tell that you're really listening and a lot of that requires removing your distractions, and I'm talking about one thing and one thing only, and that is putting your phone down. So if you are having that conversation, I know it's hard that phones in your pocket, it's in your hands. Sometimes it's in your face wherever it may be. But recognize that we really want this opportunity to connect with you, with your face, not with your phone. So if you're having that conversation, even if it's just for a few minutes, put it down for a second, set it down on the table and say, OK mom, I'm ready to listen or I'm ready to talk. That's all we really want is we want your full attention.
Jen: Yeah, and it's a two-way street. Yeah, we're asking our kids to do what we need to put down our phone, too.
Hilary: Oh yeah, definitely. Parents do the same thing. Remove yourself from the computer or from the phone. Or maybe it's not even necessarily a technological device yet yourself out of the kitchen where you were cooking dinner and sit down and look at them and talk to them and give them their undivided attention. Because I will tell you, there is nothing that will shut the door quicker than having a parent who that teen feels like they are not listening to them.
Jen: Or if we're so distracted that we're asking the same question. Yeah , my stepdaughter will always say while my classes are the same as what I told you yesterday, and I'm like dang it and I always just tell her I'm old, I can't remember. Yes, it's the same as it was yesterday.
Hilary: Yes.
Jen: So, yeah, pay attention.
Hilary: That's true. I'll say this last thought that just came to my mind, and this is going to get kind of sciencey for you. Teen out there the ask this question. But if you're a listener, a regular listener to our podcast. You know that we talk a lot about trauma, but we've also talked a lot about protective factors, certain things that we can do to maybe help overcome traumatic events, maybe even eliminate those traumatic events. There are certain things that almost work as a buffer. Yeah, because we all know that we're going to have hard things in our life, regardless of who we are and how old we are, right? We're all going to encounter those hard things. And so there are things that we call protective factors, things that help things that help us to overcome those hard times. And one of the protective factors that we know is important is social support and connections.
Jen: Yes.
Hilary: And essentially what that is strong communication. So we know, we know the research. We know through science that communication is important to keep you wonderful teens safe and happy and healthy . And that, I think , is the bottom line as to why we push. Because we know that that's a vital part of your life and we know that it's vital to have that communication with a strong adult.
Jen: Absolutely.
Hilary: So we're going to keep trying and we're going to keep talking, and we hope that you listen. Because we know that that's where the success lies.
Jen: And yeah, the success lies there and I mean, we just love our kids and we want to know what's going on in their lives. We want to be a part of it. Just because you're growing up doesn't mean we're eliminated. We still want to know what's going on in your life.
Hilary: I think the reality is, is that we don't want to treat you like a best friend, that you are one of our best friends. And just like a best friend that we have outside of the home, if we see them, we're excited to talk to them. We're happy, we want to know how things have gone and you're the same way. We just want to know. So we don't need to know everything, but give us something.
Jen: Like a little nugget . It'll make us happy. Just some something. Well, I hope that is helpful for you guys today. We appreciate you joining us here on the Parents Place podcast. We hope you that you have a great week. Remember to be kind to yourselves, be patient and have a great week. We'll see you next week.
MarLyn: Hey, everyone, this is MarLyn. I'm the producer of the podcast. Next week is our one hundredth episode and this is really big for us. So we were hoping you guys would either send in a voice recording or an email to Jen and Hilary and just tell them how much you like the podcast, what one of your favorite episodes were, or maybe an episode that really helped you out in your parenting or your self-care or something like that. So in our show notes, we have the email you can email or a link to record, and we would love to hear from you guys and really boost Hilary and Jen's excitement and confidence in this awesome podcast. Thanks guys.
Jen: Thank you for listening to the Parents' Place podcast, if you would like to reach us, you can at parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org or you can reach Jen on Facebook. Jen Daly – The Family Place. Please check out our show notes for any additional information. Our website is TheFamilyPlaceUtah.org. If you're interested in any of our upcoming virtual classes, we'd love to see you there.
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