If you are a parent, you know there are some battles you have to pick and choose. Kids, at any age like to have their own indendependence. So seeing kids out and about in pajamas, costumes or (to adults), tragically clashing outfits is not that odd from their perspective. However being the parent, even knowing when to pick your battles, is still hard in those moments. Today Jen and Hilary address a listener's concern about their 4 year-old wearing pajamas in public.
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Jen: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast with Hilary and Jen.
Hilary: Welcome to the Parents Place Podcast. Today we have an ask away question a random question presented to us by a parent or child or a teen, or whomever decides to write random questions to us for today. And this is a cute parent that has an adorable 4 year old I can just imagine. So, this is what her question is, she says. My 4 year old rarely lets me get lets me get him dressed. He goes almost everywhere with his jammies or a costume on. My mom gets after me about it, and I feel judged. Is it bad to let him do it? I don't want to fight that fight every day. Now. Here's the best part about this question. As I was collecting my thoughts last night for this podcast today, I had recently returned home from the store. Where I had three of the four of my kids at the store. At 9:00 PM, mind you, I know they should have been in bed, but they were at the store with me in their pajamas, all three of them were in their pajamas at that time. We were grabbing a present for somebody, and so it was one of these last minutes. OK, guys, you got to hurry and come with me so get in the car. I don't care what you look like just hop in the car, right? But it was funny, because my kids are getting out of the car. I've got two daughters. One is 10 and one is 7, so the 10-year-old says, like turns to me and she's got her big coat on, but she's got her pajamas on underneath and the bottom half of her pajamas are just like fuzzy pants so they could potentially pass as regular pants. So, she turns to me, and she is one that has a hard time getting. I mean, she gets embarrassed quite easily, but she says. Mom, do these look like pajamas? Like, do these pants look like pajamas? And my 7-year-old who's kind of the spunky one in our household, she turns to her sister and she's like, well, what's wrong with that? They look like pajamas and then as I'm like hearing this conversation between my children. I thought to myself. There's your answer. There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with the fact that my kids are going into the store at 9:00 PM with their pajamas on it. You know, it's funny because and I think we've joked about this. On our podcast before how we have these like expectations pre children of what life is going to be like, right? Yeah and then we have kids and then we realize crap. Everything that I said I wasn't going to do. I'm currently doing, like daily. And one of those things for me was my children will never.
Jen: Go out with their jammies on
Hilary: Go out in pajamas in public and we have worn pajamas. We've worn costumes, we've worn swimsuits we've worn. I mean, there have been times. Where I've just been like, put something on I don't care what it is. Put something on your body so that your body's been covered. You know, get out the door.
Jen: I remember one time I was at Ross and there was this lady and she had her son in the cart and he was wearing a Batman suit. I normally don't say anything to people that I don't know in grocery stores or things like that, but I looked over at the sweet lady and she said and they said you chose your battle, didn't you? And she said yes, I did. And then the little boy just staring at us and I so I said so Batman, are you going to protect the rest of the building today? Are you our security? And he just caught the biggest smile. So, it is like, who cares? I have a niece that's crazy in her dressing. My brother sent me a picture once. She had this eye mask on, you know, with a Cape. And then she was wearing mismatched clothes and she was living her best life, just dancing away. Yeah, yeah. Dancing away at the store with Taekwondo
Hilary: Yes, usually those are the happiest kids I'll tell you. So, I had a nephew who went through a phase where he wore costumes all the time. He wore them to the store. I think he wore them to school probably. He wore them to my parents. He wore them everywhere he went. He is now, he's 19 now at. This point, he's a very successful functioning adult. And so, it did not ruin him guys, he's. OK. And I say that he went through a phase. And I really think that a lot of times, that's what this is, is it's a phase. It's kids that are trying to exert a little bit of independence. You know, they're going through this stage where they're very egocentric and they're thinking of themselves and what they want. And so, what I'm thinking today, I want to be Batman. Yeah, right. And I don't want to be able to wear anything different, and I think if you give it some time they'll grow out of that. Yeah. And like I said, I even look at the difference between my 10-year-old and my 7-year-old and my 10-year-old year old is a little bit more socially aware. And so, she was a little bit nervous walking in versus my 7-year-old who thought it was the best thing ever. And so I think it is what it is. I don't think you tend to see 17-year-olds that are still wearing their costumes in the store so. You know the question going back to the question where she says is it bad if I let him do it. I don’t think so
Jen: No. So I don't think so either.
Hilary: I don't think it is. I think it's just fine and you know you talk about this idea of picking your battles. And that is a daily thing that we have to do as parents to decide what is worth fighting the good fight about because we shouldn't, and we can't fight about everything
Jen: That's all you're going to do all day long.
Hilary: Exactly. And so, it's a matter of saying, does this really matter to me? And for most parents, I would say no, it probably doesn't. No, it's not worth the fight. I actually found a few, a few quotes about this, but that I like so it says. Oh, so speaking of that, this one says that every fight needs to be fought. The sooner you realize this, the happier your life will become and the happier your children will be, right when you realize that you don't necessarily have to have control over everything they do.
Jen: Well, the thing is, is you're also.
Hilary: Yes. Yeah.
Jen: Your control when you need it the most, you say you know what I've given you choices all day long. You got to choose to wear that costume right now it's my choice.
Hilary: Well, and it goes into this one right here. This one says choose your battles wisely, because if you fight them all, you'll be too tired to win the really important ones, right, because there's going to be times where you're going to have to. OK, no, this is my turn to tell you what needs to happen, but if we've been constantly battling it out about everything leading up to that point, then yeah, you're right. We won't have the energy and the determination and our kids will have the patience. Yeah to listen to us when that time comes.
Jen: And the blow up's going to be even bigger.
Hilary: Yeah, exactly. I don't necessarily remember exactly the right number. Maybe you correct me if you do, Jen, but I've heard somebody say before, you know, the idea that. Will this matter in three hours? Will this matter in three weeks? 3 days? Will this matter in three weeks? Sort of an idea? Yeah. Like when you have those times in your life and you're trying to decide, is it worth fighting the fight? Ask yourself that is, is this going to matter in three hours? Is this going to matter in three days? Is this going to matter in three months? Will it matter if my child wears a costume? To the grocery store in three months, even at three years, no. And there might be times where you might say, yeah, this will matter. And if that's the case, then your answer is a yes. Those would be the battles that are worth fighting for. But I didn't hear a lot of them that you're going to say, you know what, in three hours. Now I could care less about this in three hours. I can probably care less about this in the next 3 minutes.
Jen: You know, we used to have a coordinator in our Kids Place and there's this little boy. It was freezing. It was probably one of those cold winters we had extremely cold winters and. He did not want to put on his coat and mom felt like that was something he needed because it was so cold outside. So just offer, she offered her a random idea. So why don't you try putting it on backwards? And so, the mom said, can we put your coat on backwards? That kid thought it was the funniest thing ever put on his coat, coat backwards, she zipped them up and the coordinator leaned over and said now he can't get out.
Hilary: It's a win win
Jen: And so sometimes you. Can be creative in those.
Hilary: Oh yeah.
Jen: You know. Putting on a coat, you know I probably wouldn't necessarily fight that fight. Yeah, I would bring it along, and once they like them, I’m freezing. I'm like, well, you know, here's your coat. You should put on earlier. But yeah, be creative sometimes in those things to where you really feel like it's necessary. .
Hilary: You know, it's funny because one of the things that we encourage our parents to do, and we've talked about this before in past episodes is. You know when. You see, when you have misbehaviors happening, rather than automatically jumping at OK, what do I do about this problem? Ask yourself. Why? Like, why is the child doing this right? And I think more often than not they are trying to exert some independence. Because I think with most kids, particularly with our younger kids, they spend most of their day having someone AKA mom or dad tell them what to do and so there are times where they're like I am so sick of this right because they wanted to exert a little bit of freedom, little bit of control in the situation and so doing something. As simple as that, right? Do you want to carry your coat or would you rather put it on your body if you want to wear it forward facing or backwards facing, you know, give them that little bit of control in return and most children will happily accept it and run with it.
Jen: I do love going to the grocery store and I always pick out or find those parents where she didn't fight that fight today. Good for her, it always cracks me up to see little boys with their shorts on. Yeah. Yeah. And then cowboy boots.
Hilary: I love that. I was going to say I was going to say the big rain boots. That's the other one that you see a lot of where you're like you're rocking. That thing, my child. You know, and she brings up. So, in this question, this sweet mom brings up. This idea of being judged, yeah, which is, I know very common. And it's hard and I think we all feel that way. But you know what, I honestly think, and I say this with full honesty, that most people in that store don’t care.
Jen: Yeah, they don't.
Hilary: May there be a few judgmental eyes? Unfortunately, yes. But I think those eyes are the majority. Or excuse me, the minority of the eyes that we're going to have there. I think most parents, when they see that child's sport in that costume, it's just like your response. They look at that child and they smile. They know exactly what mom has gone through to get to that point. And so, it's almost like a camaraderie type thing. Like good for you. Yeah, like keep up the faith, sweetheart. And so, I think if we can remember that because I think we've gotten accustom in our minds to saying everyone is judging me and I think we need to switch that mindset to say, everybody's rooting for me. They all know how hard it is to be a parent. They've all had this very similar experience. And so, they're smiling at me because they have been. There before and forget the judgmental.
Jen: And I think we can apply what you were saying about is this going to matter in 3 minutes, 3 weeks, 3 months? Am I going to care what they're thinking right now in three, you know 3 hours? No, no.
Hilary: Exactly. I'm not going to see these people again. Yeah, Chandler, I will not see them after this after this situation. And you know what? What I have learned in life is that these individuals that are giving these judgmental eyes. There is something bigger that's happening in their lifetime and so it's, I don't know everything that's going on there and they're choosing to do that, but it's probably coming from reasons bigger, yeah. Beyond what I know.
Jen: Crap that's behind the door. Yep. Yep. So, they may have just left the house and not in a good relationship and horrible things were being said and now this is a domino effect.
Hilary: So, I guess. The last thing that I would say is. You know clearly, Jen and I have strong feelings on this idea of picking your battles and this isn't a battle that's worth fighting, but maybe you are that parent. That's like, no. This one is a big one to me. Like this is the fight that I will fight to the end, and if that's the case. Like Jen said, being able to offer choices, right? Being able to give them a little bit of freedom in this situation. What other suggestions would you maybe offer for this parent that that doesn't want them in that costume, but we got to get them to the store.
Jen: Have them help you pick out an outfit that's a store outfit. That's not a costume. And you can say, OK, go put on your store clothes and don't care that it's a mismatched outfit. But yeah, I remember wasn't it your son? That always had to wear the dinosaur shirt underneath his T-shirt.
Hilary: Every time, Oh yeah, yeah.
Jen: Allow that. It's got to wear a dinosaur T-shirt, so let him wear it and then put another shirt over the teeth that.
Hilary: He had her dancer T-shirt to church, and we'd always put his church shirt on top like, guess what. He was always sporting that dinosaur t-shirt underneath
Jen: And he probably still doesn't do that, does. He no, he.
Hilary: Does not, so we're good, he grew out of it, right? That's the face. Yeah, focus on. What they can do, right, rather than what they can't, you don't want to hear the can't. And so if you can say you're welcome to wear that dinosaur T-shirt, as long as your white shirts on top of that or you're welcome to put on that Batman costume. As soon as we get back home, right? And so, setting up these can opportunities so that they know. Yeah. Rather than just hearing all the things that they aren't allowed to do.
Jen: I always like that say yes more. Than you say no. Because then the nodes really are important and they get that this is. Oh, Mom says yes all the time, but. This one's a no I better do what she wants me to do.
Hilary: You know, particularly with the store, I think, anytime we're taking our kids to the store in public places, I think prevention is the key to success too. With it so sitting your kids down and saying, you know, I'm recruiting their help, OK, we're going to the store today. I'm going to let you hold the list. You're going to be in charge of crossing things off or while we're at the store, we're going to play a game. We're going to find as many things that we can that start with the letter a are something to help maintain their attention and to help encourage them to be involved in the process because it's when kids get bored or they get over stimulated or they get tired that they start to get cranky. And so, if we can prevent those things by setting up the expectations of, here's what the store is going to look like, you know, we're going to go through all the aisles. It's going to take us about this long at the end, we'll be able to pick out a snack. So, whatever it is, but just so that they know to avoid those potential meltdowns that tend to occur
Jen: And I think if that mom, if your mom is being judged. I always like the thank you for that. I might consider applying that next time. But today I'm not so then you're like, it's not a fight. It's not. Then I may consider it next time and they really can't fight back with you then because you've said I'm going to consider it.
Hilary: So, I think we should wear our costumes next time we go to the store. Next time you see Jen.
Jen: A old fuzzy Afro.
Hilary: Costume running down the aisles.
Jen: I love it. All right. Well, thank you so much guys for joining us today. Hopefully you got some good out of this and you're picking your battles wisely and just have fun. We hope that you have a great week and we will see you back here next week.
Thank you for listening to the Parents Place podcast. If you would like to reach us, you can at parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org or you can reach Jen on Facebook. Jen Daly - The Family Place. Please check out our show notes for any additional information. Our website is TheFamilyPlaceUtah.org if you're interested in any of our upcoming virtual classes. We'd love to see you there.
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