A listener wrote in and asked about why their parents won't let them date in Jr. High. "Why don’t my parents want me to date in junior high? Everyone is doing it and my parents say there is stuff I don’t understand and that’s why."
Hilary and Jen talk about some trends they have seen in dating, suggested ages for dating, and even some terminology differences.
If you have a question you would like to ask, email it to parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org
Listen Here:
Rather Read? Transcription Here:
Jen: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast with Hilary and Jen.
Hilary: Welcome to our podcast today, so we are having our ask away segment and this is a really good question this time from a middle School, Junior High, a child, preteen. I shouldn't call them children preteen, right? So her question, her question or his question is “Why don't my parents want me to date in junior high? Everyone is doing it and my parents say there is stuff I don't understand and that's why.” So, I got to tell you a story that happened not too long ago, just a few days ago, actually. So, my junior high child, my middle schooler, he. Yeah, he has a cell phone and I sporadically read through his text messages and he knows that and it works great for us.
Jen: Ohh my goodness. You bought your son a cell phone?
Hilary: I did, I did
Jen: This is a recent thing isn’t it?
Hilary: I know, and I'll be honest with you, there's both fantastic things associated with it and there's both awful things associated with it. Like it's it we'll have a conversation about that one day.
Jen: That's another podcast.
Hilary: But this is one of the awful things about it, I'll. I'll say this. OK, so I. He has a text message from one of his friends. That I read and it says and there might be. Some of you out there out there listeners that know exactly what I'm talking about and you're like, yes, yes, I know, I know. Like, fill me in because I have no idea what this is. This is a completely new world for me. So anyway, he has this message from his friend that says. Easton, you need to get this app because there's already 2 girls that have liked your picture. And 1st I was like OK, wait a second. What is this app and where is this picture and who the heck is liking it? That's it. And it was directed to a specific high school in our valley. So I'm not going to necessarily say the name of the high school, but it was an app that was designated for this high school and it was almost sounded as if it was almost like a dating ish type site.
Jen: Your son is how old?
Hilary: And he is. He is 13. And so I'm not sure and to me, my son is pretty oblivious to life. And so I don't necessarily, I know that he doesn't have that well to my knowledge, I don't think he has this app and I don't know if he would even know how to maneuver an app like that. So I'm not sure how pictures were seen, or if this friend posted a picture of him or this anyway. I looked at that and I was like ohh my goodness like a the breach in privacy here is way too much for me, but B. I'm like what? Are we doing to these poor high schoolers and middle schoolers? It sounds like where we're rating each other based on appearance because it almost sounded as if you got like a rating system. For it and I thought this is a slippery slope that I do not want to get you involved with. If that is the case and so. You know, I it happened not too long ago. So I haven't had a good a good moment to sit down and speak with my son about it. But it's definitely when those things that we're going to have to sit down and have a conversation about. But that's just one example that I look at where I think you know. These students that are part of this that you know that are creating these, these apps are involved in these apps. I don't think they understand, exactly what's happening here and.
Jen: The ramifications that can come from rating someone.
Hilary: Exactly. Yeah. The potential short term and long term consequences with it and you know I just I think so often with our teens, they view life and the here and now. And that's. What they think about and, and you know what? It's not their fault because we've learned right and we've talked about this many times on this podcast that when we study brain and brain development, we know that their brains are still forming. And so they're not working with a fully functioning brain yet at this point and so. Realistically speaking, they may not be able to see the long-term effects of this, but. But I think particularly with scenarios with data. Thing. It it's hard for our teens to say, why can't I do this right and they don't have that understanding that we do. Yeah. Having lived a longer life with a more fully functioning brain. You'll be able to see some of those results. So I'm curious. I pulled up. I was curious as to kind of what the statistics were when it came to dating and so. Opinion based question, Jen, but what would you say is you know like should be like your dating age. What age do you feel like it's appropriate to start dating or do you think that most people start dating?
Jen: Do you want the age that? I like grew up with and feel is appropriate or.
Hilary: Well, I guess for yeah, let's start with. That what was the rule in your home growing up?
Jen: 16.
Hilary: 16 and I think that's a pretty ordinary rule for most people, especially given you know where we live and because.
Jen: There's lots of pluses. Yeah. You don't have to drive your kid on a date. You don't have to pick them up.
Hilary: By that age, they have more of an independent lifestyle. You're right. And so it's easier to date at that stage versus. Hey, Mom, can you drop us off here or will you be my chauffeur or? Yeah. Will you pay because one don't have a job yet. So a lot of the logistics just become easier as you get older. Yeah, you're right.
Jen: So, I feel like it's. I feel like that's still mine I feel. But I think what society probably goes by is maybe 13/14.
Hilary: So, in this study and it's from the American Academy of Pediatrics, they've stated that that kids start dating at an average age of 12. And 12 and 1/2 for girls and 13 and 1/2 for boys.
Jen: 12!
Hilary: Yeah. Isn't that crazy?
Jen: That is insane! Sometimes they don't know how to match their clothes, let alone date.
Hilary: But there isn't so on another one I pulled up. This is from NBC today show, the segment titled are they Mature Enough? It was discussing the survey results from parenting questionnaires and one of the questions was at what age is it OK to date and it says the respondents overwhelmingly chose 16, 74% chose 16 as that age, followed by 14, which was only 23%. So. So, I look at those two statistics and I'm like alright, you know, maybe we do have our teams that are kind of pushing this age. The younger an earlier stage in life, but I think for most people I think we still maintain that mindset of, you know, 1516 and this is probably more appropriate. At that point. But it's been funny. Because I think I look at that and one of. The questions that I would love to ask is well, tell me. So what? Your definition of a date is. Because I think that that could look very different for a lot of teens.
Jen: I'm thinking well, I'm just going off of my stepdaughter. Dating that's more hanging out. Like even going to the prom, it's not like you will go pick up your date and you're by yourself and you go to the prom. If this whole group of people go into the prom together and you may or may not be coupled off within that group.
Hilary: And you know, I don't know about you, but. I know even with my middle schooler who's 13, he's had a few different activities that have been mixed gender activities and which I've been OK with because I'll be honest with you, I think being able to communicate with the, the opposite gender is another one of those social skills that we need and should develop as part of our life. And so I think I think giving them those opportunities. In an environment that's safe and being guided by, you know, parents who are in control, I think those things are completely OK and I think you're so right. You know, we this this generation when they think about what a date is. I don't think it's. I don't think it's the what the, you know, isolated two people situation that we used to think of. Yeah, I think it's much more in a group setting where some people might be paired off, but other people may not be. And we're all there together, and sometimes we're paying for ourselves. Sometimes we're paying for somebody else, depending on the situation and so and they think their safety with being in groups for the most part and. So I, to me, I'm not as worried. You know, like you said, if they're going to a dance and it's a large group of individuals who they're comfortable with, the parents are aware of what's going on versus if you're secluding yourself with just one individual. So, I don’t know.
Jen: Yeah. I was just looking up because the thing that that. I worry about is sexuality is so out there in our faces now that. You know. Kids are going to start having sex at a younger age and I want to protect that innocence because there's not. It's just not a physical thing. There's emotional consequences as well. Yeah, and. So I was just reading this little article real quick that was from CBS News. That two national surveys went out that they're finding that. And I know these are small numbers. But it just baffles my brain anyways. 4 to 8% of boys are having sex before the age of 13. And I'm thinking to myself. I don't even know if I knew what sex was at 13. I can't remember, but I don't think I did. That just baffles my brain. I know it's four and eight. That's not very much, but. Well, when I guess you think of a billion people, that is quite a few.
Hilary: Yeah, yeah. You know, and we've talked before about this and I think. The hard thing is that it's hard to put. I mean as a parent as you're looking at your own children and you're kind of deciding, OK, well, what's that appropriate age, right? What's that number that I'm going to put down for my family? It's hard. It's just like. Just like with kids and babysitting, you know you tend to find the that we don't necessarily have a hard, fast rule that says at the age of 12, you are now perfectly prepared to start to watch younger siblings. I mean, there's a reason why we don't do that because for one child. They may be very capable of being in charge of a younger sibling, but for another they may not. And so it's hard to put a number on something because it's more based on maturity level, personality, you know development. And so I think it's appropriate that as you sit down together as a family, you look at each individual child as well too.
Jen: Yeah,
Hilary: Because you may have one that you see and you're like, you know what, emotionally they're not prepared for that, yeah. It might not be a hard rule, but.
Jen: It's a. It's also a good indicator of, not an indicator a good. Rule of thumb is that you start having to talk to your kids about relationships. Is if they're thinking about 13 years of age of dating. OK, let's talk about what is a healthy dating relationship versus an unhealthy dating relationship. I mean, how many kids are getting into? You know, dating violence and things like that, yeah. Or controlling or whatever the case may be. And so really talking and teaching them about these things. And it looks like we need to start talking about them before the age of 13.
Hilary: Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, it goes back to the initial question that was asked where this teen asked the question, you know, my parents say there is stuff that I don't understand and that's why they have. Created this role for me. I think if we had those open and honest conversations about violence and consent and safety and sexually transmitted infections. It would open up that up at that window to be to say, here's the why. You know, here's why we're avoiding this with our family. Here's why mom and Dad are so cautious about putting you into this social setting. Because there are some reasons I think so often for kids, they just see they see it as black and white. My friends are going out. They're having a great time. They're laughing, they're getting to experience things that I don't get to experience, and that's unfair. So, for us as parents to educate them on, you know, there's more than what you see here and there, there could be more than what is to the eye and so. But it's having those hard conversations which I know for many parents is tricky to do.
Jen: Take I mean. I think we have the media that can help us along with that. I mean, if we're watching a show with our teens or preteens and something is not happening and. That. Like something bad is happening in a couple of relationships. Lots of us can now push, pause and say, OK, let's talk about this for a minute. Is it alright for that girl to be manipulating that boy or is it OK for that? Boy to be. You know, smacking that girl and having those little pieces of teaching moments when they come across.
Hilary: You know, one more thing that one more thought that I have pop in my head so. You know a big part of middle school and high school is not only the educational aspect of it, but I I do think a big part of being in that school setting is. Is learning those social skills and having those social interactions and part of that is. Understanding how relationships work and what makes a healthy relationship and what makes an unhealthy relationship essentially. There's a smart dating class that I have the chance to teach and in that curriculum it's primary focus for high schoolers is how to get to know your partner and learning how to pace your relationship and really with those high schoolers that I teach, I always tell them while you're in high school, during the stage of your life, that should be your primary focus. Is to get to know as many individuals as you can, because when we do that, I think it also allows us to get to know ourselves. And part of learning what a healthy relationship looks like is understanding what we want in our lives. Right. You know, creating that that list of who we're hoping to find at some point in our life and recognizing what we want our boundaries to be and what those look like and I think if we start dating and doing some steady dating at a young age, it narrows that opportunity for us to get to know people and to get to know what we truly want in life. Because if our knowledge base is focused on one relationship and one relationship only. That's it doesn't give us as much experience as we want as we get older, you know cause I think I think the goal here is to be able to learn as much as we can so that when we do become a young adults that we're like alright, now that I'm a little bit smarter now that I'm more prepared now that I know what to expect and now that I know what I want, I can more I can look for more steady serious relationships at this point.
Jen: And I'm thinking, I mean, we talked about that list and you think about teenagers and their list normally creates all of these. You know, physical characteristics and I think we as parents need to say, OK, we need to talk about other characteristics besides what they look like let's talk about are they going to respect my boundaries? Are they going to respect when I say no, all of those kinds of things, are they going to treat me well? Are they gonna open the door for me? All those little things that just come with. Learning and experiencing many different people and saying, oh, I like that characteristic, but I'm not too fond of that one.
Hilary: Yeah, and it doesn't necessarily mean that those people are bad people, but it just means that I have found that in my lifetime, if I'm going to get involved in a long-term relationship, here's what I feel is important for me to look for and to focus on.
Jen: That just there that doesn't click with my personality either.
Hilary: Exactly. Exactly.
Jen: Yeah. Practice in groups
Hilary: You know, the old adage of practice makes perfect, it kind of applies here, right in order for us to perfect the art of building relationships, we need to have opportunities to learn and experiment. How to do that. And the best way. You're right, Jen, is to learn to do that in a safe. Atmosphere with groups under parental supervision so that they know what's going on and they can intervene, if possible, but really that's how we practice as we allow our kids to have these social settings. But not get to the point where we're steady dating or even, you know, somewhat steady dating at this point. It should just be friendly interaction. Getting to know one another as you get to know yourself too.
Jen: And if you're worried about doing that, then become the home that all of the kids come to. You become that home where they have those get togethers of watching movies, playing games, whatever it may be, so that you're still there and you're still part of it. You're an outsider looking into that group. And it's in a safe environment.
All right, my friends, thank you so much for joining us today. We hope that you learned a little bit about dating. If you have any questions, please shoot them our way. We would love to be challenged and find some answers for you. Have a great day. Be kind to yourself and others and we'll talk to you next week.
Thank you for listening to the Parents Place podcast. If you would like to reach us, you can at parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org or you can reach Jen on Facebook. Jen Daly - The Family Place. Please check out our show notes for any additional information. Our website is Thefamilyplaceutah.org. If you're interested in any of our upcoming virtual classes, we'd love to see you there.
Contact us:
-Email us questions or topic ideas: parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org
-Record questions here: https://anchor.fm/theparentsplace
-Parent's Place FB Page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/196037267839869/
Comments