The holidays can be an fun time of year! Visiting, eating treats, and giving and receiving gifts. However, sometimes kids (and us adults) can be disappointed in some of the gifts we receive, despite the love behind the giving. Join Jen and Hilary for some tips on how to help kids prepare, be grateful, and manage changing expectations during the holiday season.
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Jen: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast with Hilary and Jen.
Hilary: Welcome to the Parents Place Podcast today. Thank you all for listening and being with us as our loving audience. We have well before we start on the article, I was thinking Jen that we don't often in our podcast talk about, I mean, many of you guys know that we obviously are from the Family Place, which is a nonprofit agency here in Utah. But we have to not talk too much about what we do. So, I thought for a second. We're going to give you a little blip about who we are and what we do here at the Family Place and how this podcast came to be because I think it's important. So, you guys all remember that wonderful time when COVID came out, right? That was a good memory that we had.
Jen: Sarcasm, hopefully.
Hilary: That's right. But kind of in the midst of COVID, we got together as a nonprofit. Given the fact that many of our programs had to be tweaked to an extent, since we weren't necessarily holding in person programming or therapy, we still wanted to be able to make the connection with the community. That we were there, especially since we knew that this was a time that children and families needed us more than any other time. I mean, we all remember how isolated. And for many. How difficult that time was? Yeah, to be secluded from friends and family and from community. And so, we didn't necessarily want to let the community go. We needed to find unique, intriguing ways to continue this connection. And I'm not going to give myself the credit because I know it wasn't me. And maybe it was you, Jen. I don't remember, but someone on the team brought up the idea of providing a podcast so that even if we couldn't discuss parenting related topics in person like we usually do, we still have this platform this we can discuss typical parenting issues, child development, a mental health related techniques so that we still felt that sense of community. So, we're hoping that the podcast did that and continues to do that for you all.
Jen: Absolutely. And I think it's morphed a lot since we started it and. Yeah, I just love doing it and I think it's a great way to get information out there and hopefully people get a giggle every once in a while.
Hilary: That's right. We are not going to necessarily try to convince you that we are experts in all things or even in some things, right. But we've been in the field of family life education for quite some time now, and so we love being able to discuss these topics and to share our insights and things that we've learned from being in the field, but also to be able to take the experience from you all as you come in and share your stories of resilience. And as you provide us with your expertise. As to what you're doing in the family life related fields and so we just love having this platform to be able to share the knowledge being involved in education we know that education is key.
Jen: And you never stop learning.
Hilary: That's right. So I love it.
Jen: And I think an important piece is you don't have to be having problem to learn new things. You can be the most functional family ever, but still attend a parenting class and learn something new or provide you know your thoughts and what works for your kids. So it's never a one and done.
Hilary: Yeah, I love that. So yes, if you were a local, get involved in the Family Place and the services that we provide and like I said, we are in Utah, which we know that some of our audiences obviously not, but if not, we can hopefully provide you still some resources that can be offered outside of Utah as well. Yeah. So, all of our information is on our website and can be given to you at any time. So anyway, now we'll stay focused and get to what we want to get to right, yeah. So we try our hardest to bring up topics that we feel like people want. People want to know, and given the fact that we are entering the holiday season, we recognize that for some this can be a difficult situation to maneuver with your kids. And so we're taking a lot of this information from an article by Doctor Nicole Burkins, which we'll attach in our show notes. But it's all about dealing with when your kids receive a gift, what would that be from you or from grandma or from friends or Santa or whomever it is and they are disappointed they did not want that pair of socks, those underwear, that package of underwear that they just received is the last thing they want to see, right. And so, they respond. And so how to deal with that disappointment when they didn't necessarily get what they thought they would get? Right.
Jen: Funny, because I was just watching home alone last night and he says. You gotta got this ugly sweater with a big old bird on the front. Ohh and I just had to giggle cause. We've all received gifts like that.
Hilary: And you know, Jen, I think. That's a great starting point. What you said right there, we've all received gifts that we probably have been less than enthused about, right. Yeah, and I think Doctor Burkins actually, when she introduces the topic. She mentions that to parents about dealing with the inevitable gift disappointment, and I think that word inevitable is key. Like that we help parents to understand that if this happens, if your children that reacts in this way, you are not alone. Every other parent in every other house in this world has probably also dealt with that same scenario. Yeah, because I think that we feel bad for the person who gave the gift. We feel embarrassed on behalf of ourself, as to how come my child didn't react in a better way. How come I didn't teach them better, but I think. It's important for us to recognize that feeling disappointed in something is normal. Yeah, right. I mean, we've all felt disappointment before in our life. Even as adults, we feel disappointment. And I think it's important for parents to recognize that feeling disappointment, feeling that sense of disappoint. And it doesn't necessarily mean that we are rude, it's a normal regular feeling that tends to happen. And we all know, I mean, I think even like I think put ourselves in our child's shoes and not even necessarily probably don't even have to go back to childhood. You can probably think of a scenario as an adult. Where you thought something was going to happen in a certain way or you were going to receive something that you did not end up receiving and you were like, oh, crap, yeah, well, that's not fun, right? And so, it's natural and I think that's probably the first step. For us as parents is to realize. This is pretty normal, right? This is pretty normal for kids to feel this sense of disappointment and we've all been there. Yep, we've all felt that. Right. And to an extent, we can combat it. We can do something about it, but I think normalizing it is probably the first step to take.
Jen: I every year, John reminds me that he loves Batman, still is an adult, loves Batman, and wanted a Batman, Cape and mask and the utility belt and everything. And his parents couldn't afford it. So, his mom made it. Still, there was disappointment. Yes, bless her heart. He also wanted one of the X wing fighters from Star Wars couldn't afford that, so they got him one of those little I don't know the planes that you put on the rubber band back in the day and you, you shot it out
Hilary: Oh yes, yeah.
Jen: That was his Star Wars plane. Poor guy. So yeah, he still remembers. It and he still talks about it often.
Hilary: The disappointment has yet to leave him as an adult.
Jen: Yes, as an adult, maybe I should buy him those things as an adult.
Hilary: Ohh my gosh, that is so funny.
Jen: Then maybe he would let it go.
Hilary: But you know, we've talked in this podcast before and we've had many guests that have brought up information about helping kids learn feelings to learn how to regulate feelings. And we know that young children have an incredibly hard time regulating their emotions. And for young children, we also recognize. That they have very little ability when it comes to controlling their impulses, right? And so I think that, you know, I think actually doctor Burkins even brings up that you know that that filter that socially appropriate filter that we develop that helps us to keep a smile on our face and say thank you even when we're not feeling fantastic that is still developing even into our young adult years.
Jen: Sometimes even into our adult ears, right? I mean, sometimes my filter doesn't work.
Hilary: And sometimes it is hard to hide, right? But I think keep that in mind if you have a 5-year-old that is sad and throwing a fit. It's nearly impossible for them to regulate that impulse control at the moment like that developmentally, brain wise is not something they have control over yet. So, we can comfort, we can provide assistance. But those tears will probably come right? And I think that it's OK in those moments to turn to that other adult, whether that be grandma or neighbor or friend or whoever it is and say, you know what, we're still learning how to regulate our emotions here so that we can help that other person to understand. This is hard, right? Yeah, but this is also appropriate. So, we're working on this here. We appreciate that gift. And that was so thoughtful to provide, but recognize that these tears aren't because they don't like you or that maybe they don't even appreciate it, but they're just maybe dealing with some big things right now and that's OK.
Jen: Yeah, yeah.
Hilary: Let's talk about the before.
Jen: That's where I was just going to say.
Hilary: I think there's a lot we can do to prep. I mean, we know Christmas is coming up right. We know presents are going to be given. We know that there are some presents that are going to be subpar according to our kids, right, right. So, what can we do to prepare for that process?
Jen: I really like what she says in here. If she gives examples on how do you talk to your kids prior to? And then going through questions of, OK, let's practice. Yeah. What do you think it will feel like if you don't get a video game you asked for? So, talking about those feelings, those emotions, because we need to validate them, but then going into the next step of what can we do but talking and pre thinking about things can squash the whole public embarrassment of our children being disappointment with what they've got.
Hilary: Mm-hmm. I had an experience just a few weeks ago with my kids. So, you guys ever do, or did you grow up with those, like little Advent chocolates, calendars that they have? We get, like, the really cheap dollar ones that the chocolate is awful, but it's still the most amazing thing every morning, right? So, I had already purchased some for my kids leading up to the holiday season. And my in-laws wanted to come over to give the kids something special, and so they called me to warn me about that. And I knew, instantaneously darn it, they've just bought themselves a chocolate Advent calendar for them as well too. Not that it's bad to receive two. Bring on the chocolate, right? But I very quickly sat my kids down. And I and I prepped them. I said Grandma and Grandpa have bought you a special gift and I told them I believe that it's probably going to be another chocolate calendar. Now, when you open that up, do you? Think it's going to be helpful to say? I already have one of those. I don't have another one. Mom and Dad gave that to me. I said we don't necessarily. Need to say that and I said to them, what do. You think an appropriate. Response would be to getting a gift, even if it's a gift that you already have and my little one, you know, like my 9 or I mean my 8 year old She's like, I'll probably just say thanks. And I'm like, perfect, right? That's all we need. And so even like going through that dialogue of if you open this up, what do you think you could say, how do you think you could react right? And so, it was perfect and they opened it up and yes, it was the chocolate calendars. Like, I would have assumed. And my kids were great at saying thank you. I love chocolate. Nobody needed to say anything about. We've got one in the pantry right now, so you can take that one home. Yeah, yeah. But that prep that that 2 minutes of Prep before they arrived. Really helped this scenario. So, I think we can, I think we can do that. I think we can sit down with our kids and just have this open, honest conversation about how is it, you know, and I love that you said, like, how would it feel if you got socks instead of a car? Because I think it's good to validate those emotions. It's good to validate them in the moment, but it's also good to validate them. You know, in preparation for the moment, for your kids to be like, well, that would be really that would be really sad. You're right that would be really sad. Let's think about why Grandma might be giving you those socks right to maybe kind of help them understand a little bit more about the scenario. But yeah it. Probably would be kind of a bummer. I recognize why you might feel that way.
Jen: Yeah, so, I'm just thinking. Like I don't know how. How would you and maybe I'm just totally off because. When I got step kids, they were older. Well, mine. You know, we as parents get lots of homemade stuff. I mean, even my step my stepdaughter has painted me many picture. And you know the younger ones were like. Ohh, thank you. That's beautiful, you know. What do you feel like? Or do you feel like it would be appropriate to say remember when you gave me that painting happens if I would have told you I didn't like that. And that I already had one or this wasn't as great as it could have been. Well, how do you feel about that. because I don't want them to think. Yeah, I don't like this gift because I did. It meant a ton to me. Yeah. Yeah. Turning around on them and making them think. What are your feelings on that?
Hilary: Yeah. I mean, I think that by doing that, you're just helping them practice that skill of empathy, right? Like being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes if you gave a gift. Remember when you worked so hard at that Christmas wreath that in first grade and you gave that to me? What if? I would have just said. I would have rather had something else. Yeah, I love that. I love that because I think it helps them relate to the scenario better. If they can see. Ohh yeah. Like that would be really tricky. And so I think that's a really powerful exercise to go through with your kids so.
Jen: I was just a little worried. I was being too mean.
Hilary: Yeah. I mean, if you toss the picture, no.
Jen: No, they're hanging in my office
Hilary: I keep all of those things that you draw for me, right? You know? But she brings up a good point. She talks about, and this is maybe something that would be more difficult with your little ones again, because they're still learning about emotions and regulation. But with your school age kids and older, she even talked about how oftentimes in this scenario. It's normal to feel two different emotions, so she said. You know, you might still be grateful that grandma gave you those socks because deep down inside, you know that you need socks. But you can also still feel a little disappointed in that. And so I think. Even that helping them to understand that sometimes you might feel opposing emotions too, right, you're grateful for grandma and everything that she does. But socks are socks. And that's OK too. And so. And like I said, that's probably a more in depth skill that I don't think that you will see with your little ones. So don't expect that they'll probably be able to grasp that ability. But I think even dialoguing that with our older kids to say, yeah, you've probably had that experience before, right? I think that that's powerful.
Jen: Now let's see what was the other thing that I loved about it, what we talked about, she talked, we talked about practicing with them. But I think also giving them the words that they can use that are appropriate, so a thank you or you know what that was a really thoughtful gift. Thank you so much. So giving them. The words of how to respond. Yeah. Yeah, because I think some kids would say, yeah, thank you. I didn't really want this but thank you.
Hilary: That sound like a 8 year old.
Jen: I really like that part
Hilary: We talk a lot, a lot about role play in, in parenting and with kids and. And I get it. You parents out there, there's a lot of other like never would I ever attempt to role play with my child. I mean you. We've talked before Jen and I've talked about how role play is not our favorite thing, right?
Jen: Ohh yeah, I don't like it.
Hilary: So, I get it. You know it puts you out of your comfort zone to be. Like I'm going to pretend to be so and so you're going to pretend to be this. And we don't have to go that dramatic or that big with our kids, but just do something. Simple when you're driving in the car with your kids and say to them, OK, let's say that you got a super ugly sweater from gram. What would you say if you got that really nasty looking sweater? You know? And so, it doesn't need to be anything out of the ordinary. Just something simple. Just having that conversation at a time where, like you said, we can brainstorm back and forth and talk about maybe things that would be good. Maybe things that would not be so good. So that and you know it might I think by doing that it gives them a lot of confidence walking into this situation. Mm-hmm. Because I think so off. And kids walk into that scenario and they don't know what to do, and then they don't know how to respond. And that's maybe where the tears come in and that's maybe where the tantrums come in. Or the words that later they regret and so being able to give them the confidence that this is a great thing. This is a great thing to say at the moment, they're like sweet. I've got this right. I can do this.
Jen: And it gives them a little bit of control in the situation where they may feel like they don't have any control.
Hilary: Uh, and you know, I think even after. So, I mean, as we've discussed, there's a lot of prep work that can really assist in this scenario, but. In the moment, if things don't go right, which sometimes they don't, that's still OK, right? That's still OK. And I think that there's some. Work that we can do. After the moment as well too, you know when our kids have calmed down, when we've had the ability to help them regulate and modulate and get to an appropriate place, maybe still having that conversation. About ohh you know how do you think Grandma would felt when you started to cry about that gift. Yeah, she probably was a little bit sad about that, right? So, what can we do now? And so and I think even after the fact we can problem solve solutions right. You think you would make her feel a little? Bit better if we wrote her a thank you note. Or maybe next time we see her, let's give her a hug. And say thanks for the gift you know. And so I think. Even if things. Even if we do as much prep as possible and things blow up in our face, which sometimes they do in parenting, right? There's still some work that can be done right, on our end and obviously on their end.
Jen: Yeah, and I think. You know, if your child does blow up. I mean, making sure that we're in a good place too, because when our kids blow up, then we get embarrassed and then we probably say things we don't want to say. And so, making sure that we're keeping our emotions and energy in a positive way so that it doesn't increase the negative behaviors that may be happening.
Hilary: Yeah, that's a great point. Well, we, we've talked, we talked about this quite often, but you guys as parents, you know your kids better than anyone else. And so maybe you know that this is a problem that you're working on, right? It's not perfect. We're working on it. It's a process. I think it's very appropriate to pull those people aside before those gifts are given to say, hey, just as a heads up, we're working on regulating emotions. And so sometimes if we don't always get what we want Johnny gets a little bit sad. We're working on it, but just so you know, if that happens when he opens up any gifts, know that we appreciate everything that you do for us. You know, something to that extent to let those other people recognize that it's OK. It's OK, right?
Jen: Yeah, yeah. Nice adults will understand. But I also liked how she talked about what wasn't helpful. And she gave one example of I know it's really hard when you expected one thing and got another like that's not very helpful. Let's talk about. What they can say? And then what was the other thing that I really liked. Oh, we'll stop at the store on the way home and get you what you really wanted. That doesn't do our teaching either, right?
Hilary: Ohh yes. Cause you think about. OK, what's the lesson learned by, you know, throwing that major fit or dealing with that, this regulation? Well, if I right. If I get loud and cry and find ways to manipulate that scenario. Then in the end, I'll receive the gift that I wanted to begin with.
Jen: I don't know if you remember the cat on the counter analogy. Oh yes. I love that analogy because lots of times we as parents don't realize that we teach kids those negative things, like if I throw a tantrum long enough and loud enough. I'll get what I want. But it's the cat on the counter so our cat jumps on the counter. We put him outside and this happens day after day after day. What does the cat really want? Just wants to go outside and this is the way he's learned to go outside but that's the same way with kids if they throw those tantrums. Over and over and get louder and louder and we give them what they want. Well, now we've taught them this is how you get what you want
Hilary: Yeah. So, providing empathy, validating their response. And then not necessarily giving in to the request and if needs be. I mean I think that we can, especially with our older kids, if we want to sit down later and say hey. I know what Christmas, you are really hoping for that Star Wars lego, you didn't get it and I know that that's really frustrating. Let's talk about maybe some things that you could do to earn that yourself. You know, over the next few months. And so, something like that where we're not necessarily rushing to the store to get the request, but let's problem solve some things that you can do. Let's put the power in your hands and talk about some things you can do possibly to earn that later on. So, I think something like that. Where you can say, here's the scenarios that you could take, right?
Jen: I think also we can put that on your birthday list. You know. But I like that you can do this to earn some money to buy it for yourself.
Hilary: Yeah, yeah. Ohh it was guys, take a take a listen and a look at that article by Doctor Burkins because it was incredibly helpful. And I think that in addition to what we've already shared here, you will find some additional resources that will hopefully help that scenario that you may or may not come to in the next few weeks for the holidays.
Jen: Yes, yes, it was a good really good article and I do hope that you go and read the whole thing. To get just to remind yourself of those the things that we've talked to, but maybe getting some other ideas as well. We thank you for coming and listening to the podcast today. We hope that you're having a really good time with your family and friends in this holiday season. And that you're being safe as well. Remember to be kind and patient with yourself as you're learning new things and we will see you back here next week.
Thank you for listening to the Parents Place podcast. If you would like to reach us, you can at parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org or you can reach Jen on Facebook. Jen Daly – The Family Place. Please check out our show notes for any additional information. Our website is thefamilyplaceutah.org. If you're interested in any of our upcoming virtual classes, we'd love to see you there.
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