Tantrums can be frustrating and even embarrassing when they happen in public places. Cassie and Sara have a conversation about how to diffuse a tantrum and even prevent them from happening.
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Jen: Hello and welcome to The Parents Place, a podcast put out by The Family Place for parents to develop skills that will strengthen families and provide tools that will help each of us in our parenting efforts. No matter our skills, we can always use reminders that help us work towards a safer, happier home. I'm your host, Jennifer Daly, the education director at The Family Place and my co-host is Sara Hendricks, a family educator at The Family Place. Every week, we will interview professionals that will provide valuable information that will make a difference when you apply it directly to your life. Thank you for joining us, now, let's get started with today's episode.
Sara: Welcome to The Parents Place podcast, I'm your host, Sara Hendricks, and today you get just me again, it's a busy time of year and we are missing Jen, but she'll be back soon, I'm sure. But today we're really fortunate to get to have a conversation with the guest that we've had on the podcast before. Her name is Cassie Alarcon, do you want to say hi?
Cassie: Hi, everyone.
Sara: We're excited about this topic because it's something that Cassie and I, we both teach about in a program that we do here at The Family Place, and we're going to talk about tantrums.
Cassie: As a mother of two toddlers, I know that this can be a hard thing for parents to deal with almost on a daily basis for a lot of us. And so, we wanted to just share some ideas and tips to maybe help manage some of those tantrums, understand why they happen and best of all, we'll get to maybe some ideas of how we can avoid them from happening in the first place.
Sara: For sure, cause when you're in the heart of it and you have these young children, those tantrums can be all consuming as a parent, and it can be so frustrating. But it's important to know that tantrums are completely normal for children of this age, and the reasons for that is because developmentally they don't have all of the language to be able to express what they're feeling, and so it comes out through a tantrum. And they're also trying to learn some independence and they want to do things on their own, but don't necessarily have all of the skills to be able to do it on their own. So, it comes out through a tantrum. But something that's important to understand is tantrums are not something that will go on for the rest of time, they usually start to die off around age three.
Cassie: Yeah, Sara, and the reason for that is by around age three, most kids start to have better language skills, they can explain things to you a little bit better. They can make sure that people know what it is that they're wanting and so, as they're able to talk more, they don't rely as much on those tears and kicking and screaming and some of the things that we see when they're a little bit younger. I think that it is important for parents to remember, those first years are really hard, but it does get better. And there's things that we can do as parents to support our kids so they can learn how to manage those emotions, because, you know, for a little one or two year old, when they're having those big emotions, not only is it overwhelming for us as parents, but it can also be overwhelming and even kind of scary for them because they don't understand what these emotions are and what they're feeling and experiencing. So as parents, we can be kind of like a guide to help them understand these big emotions and learn how to deal with them in more positive ways.
Sara: So, we really want to help parents know how to manage tantrums, and we have a list of things that we want to talk about. Would you like to share the first one, Cassie?
Cassie: Sure. So, the first step we want to share is just to simply not reinforce it. As parents in the moment when your child is screaming, especially in public, it can be really tempting to just give them whatever they're asking for or let them do whatever they're wanting to do, just so they'll stop crying. Right? We've all been there, and it happens but really, if we want to help manage these tantrums, it's helpful for us to not reinforce that behavior. We don't want to be giving our child attention for these negative behaviors or that ultimately teaches them to continue to do this, right? They'll learn well, if I lay down and kick my arms and legs and scream, I'm going to get whatever I want. So, it's important for us to try to ignore the behavior. Not ignore the child, we still want to make sure that they're supervised and safe and not hurting themselves or anyone, but we can ignore the behavior and say something like, I don't understand you when you're using that whining voice or wow, it looks like you're really upset because you're yelling and screaming. I can help you, you know, when you've calmed down.
Sara: And that's something that as parents, we often don't know what to do in the moment, especially if we're in public and we're feeling embarrassed about the situation. And so, we throw out these empty threats, right? Like if you don't stop, you're not going to get to have dinner or, you know, something that does not relate to the situation at all and something we know we're not going to follow through on. We're just threatening because we want that behavior to stop in the moment, so whatever consequences we're trying to set up with our child, we have to follow through with that. And so, we don't want to give out consequences we know are just empty threats because our children are going to learn we're not going to follow through on it. And that's going to just reinforce the behaviors because they know that nothing's going to happen. And so, if we say, if you can't stop throwing this tantrum in this grocery store, then we're going to go sit in the car. You have to be willing to follow through and leave your cart full of groceries and go out to the car so that our children are recognizing, oh, when mom says this, she means business because even at these young ages, they pick up on that.
Cassie: Yeah, exactly, Sara. And usually, I think when parents turn to threatening, they're feeling pretty desperate and like you said they just want the behavior to stop. But really, the best way to manage a tantrum is not to focus on making their behavior stop, but it's to focus on what's driving the behavior, right? Our kids use tantrums to communicate with us that something's not right, they're frustrated or they're not getting their way and so when we can stop and address the emotion first, ultimately that's the best way to deal with tantrums. So that's actually the next step that we wanted to share was to just help our child calm down.
Sara: Yeah, so we can do this in different ways, maybe it means that we're holding them close to us. That physical touch can really make a difference in our bodies and change the stimulation that we're feeling, and so just holding them close can be a way to help them calm down. It could be in past episodes we've talked about energy and how to modulate our energy when we're obviously feeling uncomfortable in our bodies. We can see our child is feeling uncomfortable, they don't know what to do with themselves and so it's turned into this tantrum, and we can help them modulate and redirect whatever it is that they're having a tantrum over. Change their thinking, change what they're upset about, by having them focus on something else. And then it's also important to stay calm ourselves, sometimes our kids can have tantrums that just set us off, you know, and we don't stay calm. So, we need to recognize that in ourselves and realize that this isn't productive, if you're in a battle with a toddler, then the toddler is winning. You are the adult and so recognizing when we're losing our cool and being able to walk away and regroup and modulate, bring our energy to a more comfortable place so that we can be productive when we're working with our young children.
Cassie: Yeah, for sure, Sara, even for us as adults, right? When we're upset, if someone comes into the room, you know, really stiff body language and maybe they start yelling at you or insulting you, calling you names, your energy just gets even higher. You get even more upset and on the flip side of that, if you're really upset about something, maybe you're crying or maybe you're angry and someone comes in just really calmly, you know, sits next to you in a calm voice asks what's going on that helps you to calm down a lot faster? And the same thing happens with our kids and in fact, they rely on that. Kids at this age, they really need help to be able to regulate their emotions and the same thing happens with our kids and, even more, right? They depend on us at these young ages to help them be able to regulate their emotions so we can really have that calm be contagious, you know, rather than getting more upset at them when they're already upset. If we come in with that calm demeanor, it will help them calm down a lot faster and things will go easier for both of us.
Sara: Yeah, that actually makes me think about going into our next point, limiting the discussion. And so, when a child is in this tantrum, they're not able to focus on us lecturing them right? Like their brains are not in a place that they can process anything that we're saying, they're not in their thinking brain. And when we think about ourselves and when we're worked up and upset about something and somebody comes in and says, you should do this or this is the problem or, you know, like really pointing the finger, we just get more defensive, and it just escalates the situation. And it's the same for our kids that they feel those same emotions, they just don't know how to express those emotions. So, it's important to limit the discussion in the moment because it's not a time to teach our kids, but then once everybody's calmed down, we can come back and say, hey, remember what happened at the grocery store today? Let's talk about that, and just because they're two doesn't mean that we can't have teaching moments and say when we're in the grocery store, I know it's so exciting. We see all of the candy and we want all of it but that's not why we're there and we can't have all of the candy. Maybe sometimes we can get candy, but we can't do it every time that we're in the store and just really having those conversations ahead of time. So that next time when we go to the store, we can have those reminder conversations of all, remember when we talked about this? This isn't a time that we're going to get candy, but maybe next time when we come, we'll be able to.
Cassie: I really like what you were saying at the end there, I think Sarah is really important, and it's helpful for parents to be able to anticipate what might cause tantrums so that we can help just avoid them in the first place.
Sara: I think when we really try to get into our child's brain and see things the way they're seeing them, it will help us be able to anticipate these things. Like when we go into a toy store to buy a present for a cousin, our kids are going to feel sad that they don't get to get a present, too. And so, we can anticipate that and be able to have those conversations heading in, oh remember we're just getting something for your cousin and we're not going to get something for ourselves this time and just helping have those reminders to anticipate what our kids are going to experience. We know tantrums are going to happen and so if we’re prepared, then we're not in the moment trying to think on our toes and have those empty threats that we're not going to follow through with. And everybody's escalated and upset and that's not the kind of experiences that we want to have when we're out in public with our kids or when we're at home with our kids. So, anticipate those.
Cassie: Yeah, and just with it being the holiday season and thinking of recent experiences at my house. Another example that comes to mind is just removing things that might cause a problem, you know? If you pull out your fragile nativity set, make sure to put it somewhere that the kids can't reach it, or maybe even where they can't see it right? Or if you have fragile ornaments or presents under the tree, things that we know are off limits for our kids, it's important for us to think a couple of steps ahead about how we can avoid those things becoming a problem.
Sara: Absolutely. That makes all the difference when you're trying to create an environment that is fun for the whole family and not a constant battle ground.
Cassie: Yes, perfect, Sara, those were some of our tips for managing tantrums. Now let's move on to talking about some more ideas of how we can avoid tantrums.
Sara: Yeah. So, a big thing with small children is transitions and giving them a heads up that things are going to change because they get so focused in what they're doing that it's hard for them to change from that to something else. Even if it's going from one awesome thing to the next awesome thing, they still struggle with change. And so, we want to allow plenty of time before changing activities and giving them a heads up of okay, we have five more minutes before we're going to leave, and kids don't have a concept of time, necessarily. You don't have to stick to whatever time that you're giving them but giving them that warning is what they need to allow their brains to adjust. And so maybe you're at the park and it's okay, we have five more minutes before we leave. Go down the slide three more times or, you know, let me push you in the swing for a minute and then go down the slide and then we're going to go something that's allowing them to know at the park. They get to finish up the fun things that they're doing and then we're going to switch. But if they're playing and all of a sudden, it's okay, we're going, that's really hard for them to accept and not throw a fit over.
Cassie: It's even hard for us as adults, right? If you're in the middle of doing something and somebody wants, you to drop it right then it can be hard for us. Of course, it's going to be hard for kids to do and Sarah, what you're saying is great advice. It is hard for parents, we do have to be thinking a few steps ahead, even though we're not ready to leave for a few minutes we need to start giving our kids those warnings. And I even think counting down, giving them a five minute than a three minute than a one-minute warning or like you're saying, you know, maybe not time, but just giving them, you know, you can eat one more bite of your lunch and then we're going to put it away because we need to leave or whatever the case may be. I've also heard of parents who use timers on their phone, maybe you don't do this all the time, but once in a while you might turn a timer on for a few minutes and tell your child that when your phone beeps that we need to be done. And that can be helpful for some kids as well.
Sara: And also, with transitions is having routines that are centered around transitions and so maybe it's bedtime and we're going from watching a show to having to go to bed and you have routines within that. And so, it's time to get on our jammies, time to brush our teeth, then we read a story and go to bed, and having that routine helps us know that we're moving into bedtime.
Cassie: Yes, Sarah, that's great! And we can have even little mini routines or rituals that go with small things as well, like for cleaning up toys or getting dropped off at daycare are saying goodbye in the morning when a parent leaves for work. All of these little things that are important parts of our day that are changes and transitions during our day. It can be helpful for us to have these little rituals of a hug and a kiss before we leave or whatever that might look like. Another thing that can be very helpful for avoiding tantrums is to look beneath the surface, like we mentioned before, the tantrums are just the behavior, right? They’re the tip of the iceberg and if we take a step back and look at the whole situation and notice the emotions that are driving that behavior. It can be helpful for us, not only in the moment when we're addressing the tantrum of saying, wow, you must be really frustrated, but also beforehand when we notice our child is down on the floor playing with toys and this puzzle piece is just not fitting where they're trying to make it go. We can step in and mention to them, hey, I see your kind of upset, is this not working? And figure it out together before it leads into a full tantrum.
Sara: Most definitely, and the last thing that we wanted to share is knowing your child's triggers. I know for my oldest, so she does not fit in this age range now, but something that I know about her is that she does not do well with surprises. It just eats away at her; she wants to know what we're doing. And so, then she builds it up in her mind and creates a much bigger thing than what the surprise actually is. And so, I know that that's a trigger for her, you know, for me to say, we have a surprise, I can't do that with her. I have to either not say anything or tell her what it is or it's just going to become this big thing. And so, you can recognize those things with your young children as well, where you know that whatever that thing is, that's going to escalate them and so we avoid that or we prepare them for it so that they can mentally be ready, that it doesn't turn into a big tantrum.
Cassie: That's actually something that I've implemented recently at my house with my three-year-old. My kids go to daycare once a week, so it's just enough time for them to kind of forget about daycare before it rolls around again and it was hard for us the first few weeks, and so we made a little calendar on our fridge with different pieces of paper. And my daughter moves the magnet down for each day, and on Thursdays there's a little picture of daycare, so she knows all week we can kind of countdown. In two more days, it’s daycare day, tomorrow’s daycare day and all-day Wednesday afternoon we talk about that tomorrow's daycare day. It's going to be fun, what are you going to do? And we prepared her for that so that when we wake her up on Thursday morning to put her in the car and send her to daycare, it's not a traumatic thing that causes tantrums anymore because she is anticipating it. So, I really like this idea of knowing your kid, knowing those things that are hard for them, and instead of just dreading it as a parent when it rolls around, we can prepare our child for that so that it goes a lot smoother.
Sara: That's so great and that visual stimulation for her really is perfect for her development because they don't have a concept of time. They don't understand fully, one day to the next, when you say a week later, that doesn't make sense for them, but to see that visual chart on your refrigerator really helps with that transition for her.
Cassie: Yeah, and I think a lot of this, we've shared a lot of different tips today and different ideas. I hope people will find it helpful as they try them out but a lot of it just depends on the child you as a parent know your child better than anyone else does. And you know those things that are difficult for them, you can probably kind of anticipate what things will cause tantrums for them and what things are most helpful. So, I know it's hard as you go through each tantrum, but each tantrum your child has is a chance for you to practice to get better at responding to them, to get better at figuring out what was it that started this and how can we avoid it next time?
Sara: Yeah, and I like that you said practice, because none of us are experts in parenting. And there's a saying that I'm sure everyone's familiar with the practice makes perfect. But really, practice makes permanent, and the more we practice, the more it's going to set into our brains of how to do all of these different parenting tips that we've been sharing on this podcast. So, keep practicing and make it permanent. Well, Cassie, I think this was a really great discussion on tantrums, and I hope that our listeners were able to take some of these tips and will be able to apply them to recognize these signs of our kids when they're getting ready to throw tantrums and being able to avoid that and manage the tantrums in the moment. Thank you so much for joining us and supporting the podcast, if you have any questions, you can contact us at Parentsatthefamilyplaceutah.org or you could find Jen or myself on social media. Jen Daley- The Family Place or Sara Hendricks Dash-The Family Place. That's all we have today, and we'll catch you again next week on The Parents Place. Thanks again for listening. The Family Places is a non-profit organization in Logan, Utah, with a mission to strengthen families and protect children. We call ourselves starfish throwers, if you're unsure what that means, refer back to our introduction episode where we explain it. The good news is you can be a starfish thrower too by subscribing to the Parents Place podcast and liking our social media pages. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with others and help us get our message out to more people. Also, be sure to check the show notes for links to information referenced in this episode. That's all for now, but we'll catch you again next time on The Parents Place.
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