Change is something we will never be able to avoid. Come get to know Hilary, the new co-host! We had a wonderful discussion on change and the different stages we all experience when trying to make both big and small changes in our lives.
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Jen: Hello and welcome to The Parents Place, a podcast put out by The Family Place for parents to develop skills that will strengthen families and provide tools that will help each of us in our parenting efforts. No matter our skills, we can always use reminders that help us work towards a safer, happier home. I'm your host, Jennifer Daly, the Education Director at The Family Place and my co-host is Sara Hendricks, a family educator at The Family Place. Every week, we will interview professionals that will provide valuable information that will make a difference when you apply it directly to your life. Thank you for joining us. Now, let's get started with today's episode, welcome to The Parents Place. I'm Jen Daley
Hilary: and I am Hilary Anderson, your new co-host.
Jen: We are excited to have Hillary with us, but we are very sad to have lost Sarah Hendricks. She has decided to go and be with her cute little girls, spending more time and creating more memories with them, and so we are excited for her and her new adventures. So today we are going to be talking about change, but first I want Hillary to introduce herself a little bit more. She's been on past podcast, so we know her a little bit already, but we want to learn more. So, I will turn, let her tell us about herself.
Hilary: All right. So, I am excited to be part of this podcast, I have listened to it, as Jen has mentioned, I've been a guest a few times and I'm filling some big shoes here, so I will try my best. But I myself have been involved in the field of family life education for 16 years now. At this point, I've worked with both parents, as well as with children doing different programs and different things involved in education. And I am a big believer that education is so incredibly important in an individual's life that, that phrase that we hear quite often knowledge is power is so true because I have seen individuals learn and gain new skills and change their lives because of it. I'm speaking of change today, I've seen individuals that have been able to implement new techniques well for themselves as well as with their children, and it is so rewarding and so powerful to see that new information that we can learn can make us better and make our family stronger and healthier and happier. And so, I love that about family life. I have four sweet little kids myself, ranging in age from 12 to three, and we love being outside, but we do not love being outside when it's cold. So, January is a rough time for our household, we enjoy the sun, we enjoy the heat. Utah is not our favorite place to be, come January and February, and sometimes even March, right? But we look forward to the days when we can go camping and hiking and swimming and do all things associated with that. And you know, I know that many of us cringe when we talk about sharing a fun fact and finding some type of quirky bit of information about their about themselves but I was joking with Jen earlier that my favorite sweet is a donut. And I could eat most any type of doughnut, but I am a child at heart because I love the sprinkled donuts. The rainbow donuts that have the sprinkles covering them are my most favorite! And so, whenever my three-year-old and I go to the grocery store, we both leave with one. Not just him, but myself too and it makes us both incredibly happy.
Jen: Well, that is a fun fact I didn't even know, and I've known Hillary for 16 years now. With that being said, hopefully you will enjoy our banter because I feel like Hillary and I have a special little banter that we've created over the past 16 years, and I know she has brought a lot of great things to my life, information wise, laughter wise, this is a girl that can make me laugh at any moment so, hopefully you can enjoy our banter as well. Hillary calls it a love hate relationship, but there is never been any hate on my side by any means. She's definitely been a great friend, a great co-worker, and I'm glad to have her on this podcast. I am sad that we won't have Sarah, she's been a great friend and co-host also and has brought a lot to this podcast. She started it, did a lot of the hard-laid work, and we appreciate that so much. So today change, it's a new year, and we always think about all the things we want to change for the new year. And sometimes we have a hard time doing that or knowing what to do so, we're going to talk about a popular model of change, one that is used quite frequently in the helping field, you know?
Hilary: You know, Jen, you mentioned that and change is one of those things that's so interesting because I mean, I'm making an assumption here, but I think for most of us, we want to be better. We hope to be a better individual, we hope to be something more than what we are now. So, the idea of change, it sounds appealing, but I think we also remember that we're creatures of habit. And so, we like comfort, there's comfort and consistency, and sometimes in that consistency belongs habits that aren't necessarily good habits. And so, I feel like we are continually placed in this struggle between wanting to be better but liking the way that things are currently because they may be easy and they may give us a sense of security. So, change is an interesting topic.
Jen: Mm-Hmm. You get you have that sense of safety when you're not, you know what to expect. There's no surprises when we've done something day in, day out and we're like, this isn't probably the best and healthiest way, but I know what to expect with it. And when we change things, especially with parenting. And you change something that you're like, I really don't like that. I yell at my kids all the time, but I know what to expect with that, with me not yelling, I don't know what they're going to do in sometimes behavior gets worse. And so, then you're like, forget it, I'm just going back to yelling, that was easier I knew what to expect. So, yeah, changes change is a funny thing, I had heard, once you know, you always hear that taxes is the only thing you can depend on or whatever that saying is. But I think really change is another one of those things that you can always depend on is it's always going to happen. We will never live life without change, something changing, so.
Hilary: Yeah, I've heard the phrase before is the only consistent part of life is change, which is funny because it's one of those those opposites, right? Consistency usually means keeping things the same, but there's always going to be some type of change. And I feel like you look at our world today, we've been there two years that have flipped us upside down and have caused many changes, hopefully some for the better. But, you're right, the world is filled with unpredictability ands, and oftentimes the best thing we can do is to embrace that and move forward with it.
Jen: Yeah, yeah. So hopefully this model will help you kind of know where you're at in that model of change and knowing what you need to do. We'll share some of our experiences with change as well as how we can apply it to our families. So, stage one is our pre-contemplation stage, so this is where people aren't thinking that they really even need to make a change. They're like, there's nothing wrong that my kids hit each other every day and leave bruises on each other. There's nothing wrong with that, but they may have a family member that comes up to them and says, hey, I don't really think it's great that your kids do X, Y and Z. So, and you're like, nope, forget it, I think it's just fine.
Hilary: Yeah, I've seen that with individuals, and I know how frustrating that is to want someone to make a change and to be there to support them and be ready to assist them. But, they maybe don't see that it's a necessity in their life, which is really hard. You know, I was thinking about this earlier and we talk a lot in this podcast and in this field about stress and trauma and Jen, a question that I had that you can help me brainstorm is that I in this pre-contemplation stage, you know, we talk about people being unwilling to change. But do you think it's common for individuals because of a stressful situation or maybe a traumatic situation they've been in to be in that pre-contemplation stage because essentially, they're in survival mode? And can't even think about making a change at that stage in their life? Do you see that being the case?
Jen: You know, I think that definitely can be the case. I think that when we're in that survival mode, to have our family say you need to change one more thing about your parenting or whatever it may be to add that on our plate is just too much and it's like, you know what, I'm not even going to go there. I'm not even going to touch that right now, that is the least of my worries. And so, I think we definitely can be there to where it's like, you know, sparks interest of maybe I want to change that, but right now we're not even going to think about it because I've got so many other things that I'm trying to juggle.
Hilary: Yeah, interesting. So, we've got that pre-contemplation stage that the next stage that we have is stage two, and that is when we get to contemplation. And so that's what we get to the point where we're becoming more aware of maybe the bad habits that we've been in and we start spending time contemplating or thinking about the potential of making that change. And they give this great analogy that I loved of us being almost in the teeter totter stage because at this point, we're still kind of weighing the pros and cons of do I or do I not take the time and the effort to really step into this stage? You know, I think about myself and I know that New Years is a notorious time to think about setting goals regarding to weight loss and so I've been in that vote many times where I've thought to myself, you know, you should do this and be good for you and be good for your family. But then it also means that I've got to start waking up early in the morning, which I don't like to do, and it also means that I need to find a sitter for the kids so that I can carve out some time to exercise. Or I may need to spend some money buying equipment or finding a gym. And so, I see myself lots of times where I'm thinking, yeah, I'd be worthwhile, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to take that plunge yet.
Jen: Oh, that just makes me giggle.
Hilary: It's my life in a nutshell.
Jen: Well, I won't go into all of my problems I've been on a teeter totter. But that is, well, I can be on a teeter totter when it comes to Amazon, like, yeah, I probably shouldn't be on Amazon all of this time ordering this stuff. But do I want to give? I love getting packages, so do I want to get up? Give up that love of getting a package? Even if it was just three dollars or whatever and it was three dollars, even with a Prime and I don’t know, Amazon. And I normally call it Amazon.com and my sister laughs at me all the time, she's like, it's just Amazon, you don't need to add the dot com.
Hilary: When it's known well enough that we need, we can drop that part. No, I totally see the comfort aspect in this contemplation because that's what it's all about, is it? Oh, this could be good for me, but guess what? I'm comfortable where I am, and so its breaking that, and that's hard to do.
Jen: I enjoy it and Amazon, if you're listening, you can throw us some money for a sponsorship. I’m just kidding, um stage three preparation or determination. So, this is a stage where we've made the commitment and this is where we are out there, maybe getting a membership or getting self-help books or, yeah, this is just the stage to where we're like, okay, something has to change and what can I do? And we're going into that, that phase of what am I going to do to do different?
Hilary: You know, I look at these stages for myself, and I am stage three preparation to a tee because I love I love making plans. I love researching new information, I'm a I'm a list person that is and as Jen knows, I'm a planner person. I'm one of those few people in society that still uses a paper planner, and I love it but I see that in myself because I love making plans. I may not necessarily be the best at following through with those plans, but I love making plans and setting goals and taking those initial steps because to me, that's exciting and that's enticing to be able to do that. And, you know, when I think about this stage, we bring up the fact that I think it's important to recognize that when we do make a change, making changes requires new information because we are doing something different than what we were doing before. And so, if we're going to take away a behavior, we've got to replace it with something else. I had a I had a friend that ran a marathon, which is something I've always wanted to do in my life. But she was talking to me about it one time and reminded me that, you know, just because you have a goal of running a marathon doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to wake up the next day and say, all right, twenty six point two here I go. And you're not going to run that in a day, but you're going to study and you're going to prepare and you're going to find out what needs to happen. And you're going to come up with a running plan and you're going to recruit help from other people, find a running buddy and get the equipment that you need. And so, I feel like finding that information is really important to do.
Jen: I think about kids, and yes, we want we get all of these ideas that we want to use on our kids or that they need, our children need to change their habits or whatever we may think that they need to change. But I love that you said we have to have something to replace it, because lots of times we're just like, okay, I'm going to really work with my child on being on time to school. But what are we going to do? We have to have a behavior to put there to replace the negative behavior and so, you know, we tell our kids what they can't hit. Well, what can they do when they're frustrated, they can’t jump on the couch, but where can they jump? That will help that, you know, that action and willpower part become more successful than if we didn't have a plan. And I think also, as I always say, we need to be kind to ourselves in this stage because we might put our best foot forward and doing really well for a week and then something happens. And, you know, we don't do very well that day we just need to be kind to ourselves and say, okay, I'm going to try again tomorrow.
Hilary: So that's a good reminder for every single one of us, because I think they've all been there before. So, we've created our plan, we've set up our goals, we've researched and done the work when it comes to the preparation component of it. And we enter stage four, which is the actions state, which is a great stage to be in. It's really exciting because this is when we believe we have the ability to make the change and we're starting to take steps to implement that. We're practicing new behaviors and I joked previously about how I'm really good at the preparation component but when it comes to the implementation, that's where it gets hard. Because I feel like that's where you're having that consistent day in, day out work of getting up in the morning, I'm making my bed. I'm choosing not to yell at my kids, you know, but it is, it's the day to day struggles that we have.
Jen: And I'm choosing not to get that donuts.
Hilary: I don't know if I'll ever make that choice, but we'll see. You know, and depending on your goal, this action stage may be a few weeks to a few months to a few years. Who knows? But I think the idea is that we are continuing to practice these new behaviors and taking the steps in the right direction.
Jen: Yeah, this is a place where we might want to get some support from family members or friends to help encourage us. It may be that if it is okay, I really don't need that donut or that candy bar or whatever, then set up a time to where you can use that as a reward. I've done it for this long, I'm going to have this as a treat or something, so get people involved, your loved ones that can help support you in accomplishing and staying in this phase of willpower and action. Change doesn't come overnight, like permanent change doesn't come overnight. We can change things in the moment, but that's not going to go away if it's something that we really need to work on and so being patient with yourself, your kids, because it doesn't happen overnight. So, we've got that action, we're going for it, we're doing great, now the next stage is maintenance. And this is to where we are just we've gotten really good at avoiding the temptation and not returning back to that bad habit. We we're seeing that the benefits of the change outweighs what the safety that we had in our other habit and so.
Hilary: You know, I like in this stage that we know enough about ourselves at this point that we're almost able to anticipate situations where we might falter. You know, if you're working on weight loss and you know that the holidays are coming up, you're going to know that this is going to be a rough few weeks or months, depending on me. But, you can't anticipate when things are going to be tricky, you know, if you are working on, I'm not yelling at your kids and you know that that that hour when they arrive home from school is kind of that stressful time of your day. You're making changes to hopefully avoid that finding different ways, different techniques and tools to use so that you can be more aware of those times, those triggers, whatever those may be. But I love that that we're becoming more self-aware of maybe our common pitfalls and where we falter.
Jen: We used to have a home visiting program where we had them come up with goals and we had them actually come up with, what are you going to do when you encounter this? And so, they had strategies already planned before it came and I think that's an important part if we have a strategy prior to entering in the hard time or the temptation. So, we know this is what I'm going to do because it's hard to come up with stuff on the fly.
Hilary: Yeah, and I think it's good to recognize from the very beginning that relapse is a normal thing, that nobody is perfect and so, you know, coming up with a plan beforehand that if I do falter or when I do that, this is the plan moving forward. I think it's healthy for us to realize that there's going to be times when we're going to be doing better than other times. And so it's realistic, and I like that we're not expecting perfection from us. And then just kind of going along with that maintenance stage, we talk about the relapse, which is again what we're discussing right here. Just understanding that, when those times come, giving ourselves a little bit of grace, cutting ourselves some slack, and maybe that means that we reevaluate and not necessarily a race what has been done before. But maybe there are some new things we can implement so that we can possibly avoid future relapses, but giving ourselves some patience and some time and some grace for when that does happen.
Jen: You know, I start over, there's always a new day and sometimes we need to take a break for a little bit, but we can always start again, and yeah, just be nice to yourself. There's lots of things that I think, oh, I'm going to really do good on this, and then one thing or another thing happens and it doesn't, change doesn't come in. And sometimes we're just not in that space that we're really ready yet to make that change. Some things really take a lot of commitment, like weight loss and, you know, maybe giving up alcohol because we're drinking too much or yelling at our kids. I mean, it may be that we've had three or four generations of that's how our parents were taught. That's how their parents were taught and so to break some of the generational things, that's going to take time. So sometimes we can pick it up and sometimes we need to put it down and rest for a bit.
Hilary: Yeah, and I think it's important for us to remember that we are making changes or setting up goals, that we make sure that those goals are measurable for us so that we can see the success that we're having. I, we set some goals for or my children set some goals for themselves at the beginning of this year, and my son wants to be a better basketball player. And so, we came up with the goal to be a better basketball player, which is a great goal to have but we talked to him about how we want to set this goal up so that it's specific, so that you can measure it, so that it's attainable. And so instead of just saying, be a good player, what do you want that to look like? Does that mean that you're going to practice three days a week for 30 minutes? Does it mean that you're going to set a goal to make three points each game? Because especially if we're working with our little kids, we want to make sure that they can measure the progress because when you can see the progress, you're more excited and more willing to continue to work at it. So, I think that's important for us to remember.
Jen: Specific is great, and those little baby steps really helps us get to the next step. So that's great advice.
Hilary: I don't know about you, but I sure like celebrating your accomplishments. I do with my kids, but you know what I do with myself, too. So, you know, if I have a goal and I can say to myself, I'm going to get to bed by 10:00 o'clock for the next two weeks. You know, I think and then at the end of those two weeks, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and at the end of those two weeks, I can reward myself. It's much better to set a smaller goal rather than just saying, I'm going to be better at going to bed because I feel like setting this vague vast goal, who knows? We may be good at that for a while and we may let it go for a while, but we aren't able to see as success, as the success is not as obvious when it's when it's big and broad like that versus if we can set up a specific time frame.
Jen: Yeah, I just told my husband a couple, oh, it was probably last week I said, okay, dude, I am. We call each other, dude, dude, I am going to pat myself on the back. I did something that's super hard for me, and I was able to resist that, now does I mean you were able to resist it next week? I don't know. But in that moment, I resisted and I said I'm giving myself a pat on the back and he's like, you deserve a pat on your back. And he got really excited and celebrated that little success with me, and that was great.
Hilary: It helps break up the monotony and sometimes the stress of your everyday life is to be able to celebrate those little successes. And I think that's important for us to do not only for ourselves but also with our families as well.
Jen: We do it in front of your kids, so they see that it's okay. Yeah, yeah, well, we hope that you have enjoyed today's podcast talking about change, and we will put this model of change into the show now so that if you want to reference it at yourself, you can find it there. If you are wanting to get in contact with Hillary or myself, you can email us at Parents@TheFamilyPlaceUtah.org. If you want to receive parenting tips twice a week, you can text TFP to 33222. And if you want to reach Hilary or myself on social media, you can reach us at our Facebook page. Jen Daly - The Family Place. Again, We hope you enjoyed this podcast, please recommend us to your friends and family and give us a like or send us a note saying what you enjoyed or what you would like to hear. We are so open to different topics and just send us a note. Thank you again, and we will catch you next week.
Sara: Thanks again for listening, The Family Place is a non-profit organization in Logan, Utah, with a mission to strengthen families and protect children. We call ourselves starfish throwers, if you're unsure what that means, refer back to our introduction episode where we explain it. The good news is you can be a starfish thrower too by subscribing to The Parents Place podcast and liking our social media pages. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with others and help us get our message out to more people. Also, be sure to check the show notes for links to information referenced in this episode. That's all for now, but we'll catch you again next time on The Parents Place.
Resources:
- Stages of Change Model: https://www.cpe.vt.edu/gttc/presentations/8eStagesofChange.pdf Contact:
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- Stages of Change Model: https://www.cpe.vt.edu/gttc/presentations/8eStagesofChange.pdf
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