August is just around the corner and brings many new life changes and adjustments. Do you have some older children getting new jobs, joining the military, or going off to college? Or are YOU one of those siblings? As we know, transitions can be difficult for kids (and adults!). Change can be very difficult and even more so when it changes the dynamic of your everyday life! Jen and Hilary review some tips that will help younger children adjust healthily when an older sibling leaves the house.
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Jen: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast with Hilary and Jen.
Hilary: All right. Hello to all of our viewers. Can we say viewers, your listeners, you're not viewing anything. Listeners out there. There we go. That's better. So, depending on if you're a regular listener or not, I think that this time of the year, I know there's a lot of people out there that are kind of having different transitions when it comes to kids graduating, potentially moving out of the house. There may be some other teens that are getting summer jobs that are going to be moved away for a few months. And then obviously come fall, you'll have some of those children that are going to leave for college. And with that, there's always an adjustment, obviously a big adjustment with each other and moving even if it's for a few weeks or a semester or two. There's always an adjustment that goes along with that. And it was interesting because I was reading an article and you know; I think it's funny because when we talk about. Kids moving out of the house. I think we always look at the parents and we always, you know, make comments like, Oh, how do you feel about that ? Are you excited for your kid to leave? You know, how's it going to feel being an empty nester, right? And we oftentimes kind of put the focus on those parents and how they feel towards that transition, which obviously is important then, and we definitely want the time and the space for that. But I think one thing that often gets overlooked are these younger siblings. And how this transition is going to affect them. And I think, realistically speaking, like most things in life, there's probably some really good changes that are going to come about from that . And then there's maybe some changes that are going to be really rough. And so, I liked this article that I actually read because it brought up some of those good and bad things and kind of really focused on those younger kids and what their experience might be. And in living this living, this adjustment.
Jen: Yeah, I remember when my sister went off to college, as most of you know , I grew up in Arizona , and so she came up here to Utah to go to school , and it was a hard adjustment in . The next sibling down was my brother, and it really didn’t. He had his own boy things to do. And so, when she left it, it was it was hard.
Hilary: Yeah, so and I think I would guess for a lot of kids, that's probably what they would say is that it was hard because I think that it's very normal to feel this sense of like loss because there is somebody in my life that I really care about . That's been this companion to me growing up that. Is it going to be there at all times like they used to be? And so, I think a lot of times you'll see these kids that. And I'll feel this lack of communication and contact, and it's hard because you look at these older siblings and I remember the article pointing out that a lot of kids have a hard time because they're wondering why isn't my brother or sister texting me back ? Why aren't they calling me? Why aren't they face timing me? They promised they would do all of those things. And they're not. And we just need to remember that, you know , if this is , let's say , their first semester in college , they're probably just as overwhelmed with trying to figure out , you know , apartments and and new place and new classes . And and so kind of helping these these kids at home understand that it's not that they don't care about you or that they have moved on or that they are to bigger and better things in their life. It's just that they're going through a change just like you're going through a change. And so, you know that I can see that being being tricky in a lot of kids thinking like they must not really miss me at all because they haven't I haven't heard from them for the past day or two or few weeks, maybe.
Jen: Because a lot of them are creating their own new lives.
Hilary: Yeah, but just normal and natural. I think that's what we want for kids right now to eventually move out of our house. But right, I think most parents love it.
Jen: You want it. But it's getting harder and harder nowadays. I think
Hilary: And we may see a lot of them eventually move back into our house.
Jen: See you by the time, Hilary, your kids get old enough, they're just going to live with you till their 30
Hilary: Lovely. I won't even have to have this transition be perfect. Oh, please don't say that I love them , but I need them to leave at some point too.
Jen: I was one thing I liked about my sister saying they went to the university that's here in town and so easily the kids couldn’t. The girls could have stayed home and lived there. But my mother, my sister said, Nay Nay, you're going to go have the college experience out. But I do know with each one that did move out, even though it was in the same town, it was still an adjustment.
Hilary: Oh yeah. Yeah. And that's I think that's powerful to bring up that you might have a child that's moving across the country and you may have a child that's moving 30 minutes away. I mean, either way, regardless of the location, it's still going to be a change for everybody in the house hold.
Jen: Good and bad. Yeah, my nieces, they got a bedroom and a bathroom in it when the next one went to college. So that was a big upgrade from their other bedroom.
Hilary: That's true. So, I think sometimes we overlook maybe these good things that might happen. So, like what else? What else could be maybe a potential good change? So, you're talking about maybe a change in the household structure, right ? So maybe it means I'm no longer sharing a bedroom finally, or I'm getting my own bathroom moving up in the world because that's a big deal for kid, right?
Jen: Maybe they don't have to share a car anymore.
Hilary: Yeah, that's true. That could be a big one, too.
Jen: I think also just the amount of time that they may have been spending, depending on how active that older child was. Yes, now that focus can be on other children within the family. Just a little bit more time with your parents. I know that's the number one thing that teens want. Yeah, which there's sarcasm in there/
Hilary: But they want it.
Jen: They want it. But they won't say they want it, but they do want our attention. So.
Hilary: You know, I even look at my kids right now, and my oldest is only 12. But they're to the point where my other kids are starting to get pretty involved in sports and activities, and its time consuming for our family. And so, my little one has gotten really used to just tagging along in the car or taking him to whatever activity or being involved in. And overall, he's pretty easy to please and so he doesn't necessarily mind it. But I can see where some of these other kids thinking, I've got to go to one more game of my siblings or one more practice, or I'm in the car yet again to carpool for different things. And that, I think for a lot of kids might be a good thing , right? You finally don't have to be the tagalong in life now. You can have your own stuff in your own time and your own attention. Yeah, that's a big deal .
Jen: My own clothes I didn't have to share anymore.
Hilary: Oh man, right!
Jen: Just silly things I know.
Hilary: But they seem small, but they're big into those kids. You know my sister. So, she had two other kids and then have quite a gap and then had two younger kids, and so she jokes quite often about having two different families, almost essentially. And and there was a period of time in her life where it was hard because she had these all their kids that wanted to do some bigger activities and especially looking at vacations. It was hard to plan a vacation because you had these kids that wanted to go out and go swimming and go to amusement parks and do all the things. But then she still had these little babies in to. And she talked about how it was a huge life transition when those older ones grew up and moved out. Because, then she almost could, she separated these vacations and said, you know, I can, I can do this with these older ones and I can do this with these younger ones. And when those older ones moved out, all of a sudden, these newer ones got these little ones got vacations that the older ones maybe never had before. I think you see that a lot where, you know, financially, maybe parents are more financially stable at that point. And if there's less children in the home, it's a little bit easier to divvy out some funds for different things like that. So, your youngest children that are always complaining about that, you get everything, you get all this stuff right. There is definitely some benefits to be in the youngest one there.
Jen: Yes. My sister, she enjoyed lots of things, being the youngest.
Hilary: Maybe still does that.
Jen: Oh, I know she does and where she's in her, in her 40s and she still gets.
Hilary: Oh, she may disagree.
Jen: Yeah, she may disagree
Hilary: We’ll her on the podcast one day , and she can tell us whether or not it was true
Jen: She would disagree.
Hilary: So, I guess let's talk a little bit about what we can do as parents to kind of help this transition because with it being hard and with us wanting to continue to have that connection with our kids, I definitely think there's things we can do to foster that connection, right , to maintain it even when we are in different locations. So, anything you can think of or maybe that you grew up doing with your older sister.
Jen: With me growing up, my sister and I wrote to each other. We didn't have email and all that stuff, so we would write letters. It was probably about once a week. Yeah, we would write each other, and I always loved getting those letters. And I don't think that should be an automatic. Oh, we've got better technology now. Yeah, let's just dismiss the letters. I think that's a great thing to teach kids how to write a letter, how to address an envelope. I've met many kids that don't know how to do that. So, teaching them that skill that every kid wants to get mail. Oh yeah. So, teaching them how to do that and setting up that routine. I think another thing that I did, I, like I've mentioned before that I delivered newspapers, so I had my own money, so I would say about my money and I would buy a plane ticket. And so, then I would go stay with my sister during the summer for a week. So that was a fun thing for me to do. It was, you know, we're three years apart. And so, it was fun for this little 16-year-old to go up on the college life and stay with her and do fun things with her friends. Those are the things that I did. I think there's a lot of great things that you can do now. I mean, you have Zoom, FaceTime and texting all of that. That is so easy to stay in contact with people now.
Hilary: It's true. But I do love like not letting go of basic mail and things like that. My four-year-old that is his most favorite thing to do is to check the mailbox every day and he will check it multiple times of the day. He doesn't understand that after it has come like, that's it. There will be no more mail for the rest of the day. He'll still check it. And it's always empty, but he loves it. So, I can't even imagine how excited he would be if one of those pieces of mail that he got that day was for him. And he knew that even if it's just a simple picture, if you're talking like a younger sibling that maybe can't even, doesn't necessarily have the skills to write a letter, yet they can draw a picture. Toss it in the mailbox. I think that that is really cute. But yeah, we're lucky. We're lucky that we have things like FaceTime and Zoom, things that are so easy for us to do, or we can still see that person and maintain that connection.
Jen: And I thought just came to me. I think we think a lot about going for jobs and schools and things like that that kids leave. But I'm just thinking. Me being in the step parent, step parent role, I mean, I don't deal with this just because I don't have my own kids, but I'm just thinking when you do have step siblings living in your home and then they've got to go to the other parent for the summer. I mean, that can be a hard transition as well. I'm just having not necessarily older siblings, but just siblings that leave because you're in a family situation.
Hilary: It's true. I have a friend whose older son he goes to live with his father during the summer and her other children, they're at home. And and so I know that it's always been a little bit tricky because they'll still be doing things together as a family during the summer. And obviously, he is having his own experiences with his dad during the summer. But it's it sometimes causes a little bit of a rift because he finds out that, hey everybody else got to go to the pool and I didn't get to go to the pool because I'm over here. And so, I know that that is a conflict that they deal with in the summer kind of being away and living different lives, essentially now for a few weeks. And with kids, it's really easy to compare what other kids have or don't have or doing or not doing or going. And so that's that's a tricky thing. You know, it was funny because this article brought up. I thought this was such a cute point that they brought up a sibling going off to college. But it talked about, you know, maybe purchasing a university sweatshirt for that younger sibling or letting them, you know, hang up a flag for the university that their sibling is in something like that. So, they feel like there is this connection somehow. You know, when when sports season rolls around, we're watching the football games that we know our sister is watching at the same time. So different things like that. I thought that was a good idea . But yeah, finding a T-shirt, you know, that they feel connected with things like any way that you can find to connect them.
Jen: Yeah, my stepdaughter love that when her older sister went to college was to be able to have some University gear. She was proud to say that her sister was going to school.
Hilary: Right! It's talked in this article and I had never really thought about this before, but it it had mentioned that one of the benefits for these younger siblings is seeing these older siblings go through some of these experiences going to college, maybe serving in religious missions and spending time in the military whatnot, but seeing them go through these experiences and preparing them for when that time comes . If you've seen three siblings go off to college, you have a pretty good idea of what it looks like. So, when your time comes, probably a lot more prepared,
Jen: You're not the guinea pig trying to figure it out.
Hilary: Yeah. And so, I thought that is really cool. Like, rather than focusing solely on this one child that's leaving the nest. Let's embrace it as a whole family so that everyone can take this opportunity to learn something from it. And then it's not a scary one. It's your turn, right. Again, your younger siblings, right?
Jen: You get a lot of little things.
Hilary: You got it figured out. Actually, as we talk, I think about. My one of my older sisters, she didn't necessarily move away to college, but it was when she got married and she moved out. Obviously, she moved out her and her new husband moved out, but they only lived about 10 minutes away from us. But I still remember her inviting myself and my younger brothers over for a sleepover. And, you know, to spend a movie night together and still do some of those things that we would do growing up. And it was great because I think it definitely made us feel like this new member of the family. Her and her new partner was just as much a part of our family now as, I mean, it felt like he had been there forever because she found that opportunity to say, Let's continue like this, just continue doing what we were doing. Now we got a plus one on this plus one's pretty cool.
Jen: So yeah, I still did came up and went to school or went and visited my sister even after she did get married. Yeah, she was still going to school, and so I'd still come up in the summers and stay with them and it’s cool
Hilary: Yeah, it's less of a this is a brother in law and more of a brother, right? I mean, you feel more connected to it. So, it's not. This stranger that just joined our family, that somebody that we fell a lot more contact with, so I remember that and I remember doing lots of fun things with them, I still do. So, it's cool. So, I like it, I like that we can look at this situation in a very positive and very positive note because I think for a lot of people it's not.
Jen: Yeah, I think we just have to, open communication is always an essential part of any type of relationship. And I think that's still, important with these younger kids. Recognizing that they may have a hard time with that, validating their feelings and helping them see the positive things that do come with older siblings moving out.
Hilary: Yeah, it mentioned with these younger siblings like. Creating wall calendars for them, right, like they're going to be home, your sister's going to be home in this many day and letting them check that off or making sure that you make a collage of pictures for these little ones that can't necessarily communicate. Exactly how they feel, you know, giving them these visuals and these reminders so that they can more easily kind of understand it in their head. Yeah. Because a semester for a five-year-old six-year-old, even for a 10-year-old, seems like a forever. Right? I if you're a college student, sometimes it seems like forever.
Jen: I do like the calendar of the countdown calendar for when they'll be home because most students do come home for things for at least Christmas and things like that. Maybe Spring Break and so I think that’s a great idea to have a countdown calendar
Hilary: Well, hopefully if you are living this life and either in the process of a transition or have one that's coming up soon, that this has given you a few ideas and not only giving you a few ideas, but maybe helped you to empathize and understand a little bit as to what those younger siblings are experiencing. Because as a parent, obviously, we're always looking out for our kids in their best interest. Hopefully, this is not only giving you some ideas as a parent on how to. Help when it comes to this transition for yourself and also for that child moving out of the home, but also for those younger ones, because obviously we recognize that it's an adjustment even for our little ones. And and so being able to empathize with maybe where they're coming from and validate those feelings that they're feeling right and and hopefully even easing some of the burden that they might be experiencing.
Jen: So tough growing up, but also there's lots of great things that come along with growing up, so. And just helping everyone navigate them is important. So, thanks for listening, everyone. Reminder to be kind to yourself, and we'll see you next week.
Thank you for listening to the Parents' Place podcast. If you would like to reach us, you can at parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org, or you can reach Jenn on Facebook. Jen Daly – The Family Place. Please check out our show notes for any additional information. Our website is TheFamilyPlaceUtah.org. If you're interested in any of our upcoming virtual classes. We’d love to see you there.
Subject Resources:
https://www.metroparent.com/parenting/advice/helping-kids-cope-when-a-sibling-moves-out-of-the-home/
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