With the Holidays apporaching, Santa has a lot on his plate. This time of year can be so maigcal with time off and traditions. However sometimes it can become stressful when children ask for stuff Santa may not be able to bring or when they question the reality of the Big Man. Jen and Hilary dive into how we can address our childrens quesitons about Santa as well as the toher traditions, ways to navigate it and good quesitons to ask back.
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Jen: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast with Hilary and Jen.
Hilary: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast. So, we have given the fact that it is nearing the holiday season, I feel like we need to provide a disclaimer to our audience here. So, we are going to be talking about the big guy. The fluffy, chubby, holly jolly man up at the North Pole. So, if you do not want your little ones to hear this discussion, which you may not want to, I would probably listen to this when they are sleeping. Or put your earbuds in so that they cannot hear this podcast because we will be discussing all things the big guy and yeah, it may be best to be alone when you have this topic right? So, with that being said, we're going to talk a little bit about how you maneuver all things Santa Claus. Because I was thinking about it, and this is one of those tricky topics, I think in parenting. Because everybody has such different opinions and strong opinions on how it works. Like some people don't do Santa. Some people go all out and Santa brings everything. Some home Santa brings just little things and kids are not idiots, and so they talk and they find out. Who got what and how much and all their, you know, kids start putting together, you know, like connecting the dots of those socks probably only cost me this much, but that phone cost you this much, you know, sort of an idea. So, it's I feel like Santa is a really tricky one because everybody, yeah, everybody does it differently in their home. And how do you tell?
Jen: Yeah, how do you tell your kid when you got one present from Santa. Yeah, but your best friend, Billy.
Hilary: Got 12, exactly. So, I feel like. There's a lot of things in the parenting world that I think typically we as parents kind of agree on and it's like across the board like we all strongly believe that children deserve an education. So we send our children to school or we have a form of schooling for our kids like and that's kind of just we all have this consensus, yes. And it does. It causes a lot of grief. And a lot of tough conversations, I think, yeah, not fact so before. We dive in. Tell me how it was for you growing up.
Jen: My mom grew up pretty poor and so they would get like nylons and orange and apple and maybe a shirt. And so it was her thing that her kids would always have a good Christmas. So she would work all year to pay off the previous years. And then she would put it back on her credit card and that's how she worked until my family was making just a little bit more money and then it would be less and yeah, but. We always got maybe two or three gifts from Santa and it was always those things that you know every child normally has is like your bike and you know, back in the day it was roller skates and things like that. So those things were given from Santa, but the majority of the rest of stuff was from parents.
Hilary: You knew Mom was like, this is my gift to you.
Jen: Yeah. And the older we got and where Santa wasn't part of our Christmases anymore, my dad still felt that there was something that needed to be done. So every once in a while, I still will get gifts from Rudolph and from Blitzen and yeah, that's how we did it.
Hilary: That's awesome.
Jen: They never had a discussion with us we that’s just kind of how I figured
Hilary: That's just kind of how I figured it out. And that's I think that's a lot of people's experiences like. You just grew up having it be the way that it was usually from the beginning and so that was just that was just your normal. Yeah, it's funny because we grew up. I have that somewhat similar experience because yeah, we, I also grew up from, came from a large family and there probably wasn't a lot of extra money rolling around for big gifts, but yeah, my parents made sure that the Christmas was a big deal. Like rarely did we get things throughout the year. We didn't go on a lot of family vacations. Rarely did we ever go out to eat, but Christmas was always big because I feel like that was the time that my parents put out all the stops right? And they were like we want to do this for you. And it's funny because now looking back, I think about some of the things that I received. And I think a lot of them were probably purchased second hand and a lot of them were, you know, homemade gifts that I cherished. And so, I'm sure that they did lots of things to be really creative in those gifts, but we grew up where everything was given by Santa. And so, because that's how I grew up, that's what I started doing with my kids. And a few years ago, Brad and I, my husband sat down. We were like crap. What have we done? To ourselves and we almost want to go back in time and start over. And be like, OK, you know. Santa does a few things and we do other things, but it is too late now
Jen: Because your kids are old enough to where it's.
Hilary: You can't rock the boat.
Jen: That’s hard.
Hilary: So, it does make it a little bit hard because yeah, I think. That, I mean, we've talked about this in every household like you, start your traditions and for most people they are very near and dear to your heart and you tend to carry those traditions on when you have your own children. But I got to tell you a funny story though. So, my youngest. So, some of you guys maybe have had this experience. So they just we just received in the mail like the Big Amazon Gift guide, di dyou get one?
Jen: Oh, Oh yes, it went right in the trash. Well, I don't have little ones, so.
Hilary: So, we received the Amazon Gift guide. I also received to the smart one as well too, and I have a 5-year-old and they love looking through it and I don't mind it because actually I kind of like having them share some ideas. Yeah, so that's exactly what they do. So, my girls circled a few things they were they were very good about their circles. But my 5 year old, I think that literally everything in that magazine, was circled besides. This is the best part about it besides the two or three pages that had books on them. And I was like, good for you sweetie, no books
Jen: What about girl things?
Hilary: Few that were thrown in there, but yeah. You're right. The girl. The girl pages were a little bit. More sparse than the other pages, but some pages I opened it up and there was a circle on every single item in that book, but the best part was a few days later he comes to me and he's like so mom, what are all? Those toys come into our house that I circled. It's like we need to have a discussion about how this works circling of all of the items that you want. Because I don't think they're all showing up anytime soon. Unless Amazon is doing something different than what they normally do so where do? We start with that. So, when it comes, I mean because I feel like writing that letter to Santa is like a rite of passage, right? All kids love doing it. You grew up doing it. But when the letter becomes a mile long list, I mean. How do we maneuver that as parents?
Jen: I have no idea. There was a little video that my husband was watching and he ended up sharing it with me and. It was of this little boy that did not get.
Hilary: Yeah, yeah.
Jen: Two things that he wanted from Santa. And he got pretty violent to the point to where like if you don't because the letters went back and forth between this little boy and Santa and by the end, the little boy was going to kill Santa.
Hilary: I have death threats happening. That's not good.
Jen: And so there needs to be a discussion.
Hilary: Ohh my gosh, that's amazing. Yeah, I.
Jen: Because you know, you just feel. I think the older I get. Yeah, I sound like my parents or my grandparents, and I'm just thinking why? Why do we do this to ourselves of? Having our children expect extravagant things. I don't think growing up I ever expected extravagant things. Yeah, I think it's just because my parents had us kids working at such a young age. I mean, we were delivering back in the day. It was the Penny saver and then the newspapers and all of that. And so we knew extravagant things were in you know weren’t in the picture. And so, I just, I don't. I have an experience with it, so I don't understand it and. But I think we need to be responsible as parents and teach them that you know. There comes pride in earning things on our own, but also that we don't get everything that we need or not that we need. But what we want, and that's just not life.
Hilary: Yeah, you know, I joke about my little one. But one thing that we try to do with our kids is we always say try to explain that these letters that you're sending are suggestions.
Jen: Oh, that's a good .
Hilary: Like we want to give Santa as many ideas as. We can because sometimes. He doesn't know, and sometimes he needs some ideas from you. So never do say this is your list of things that you are going to be receiving, but it's always give us as many different ideas and suggestions. As possible and then Santa will take those ideas and he'll decide what he can do and what he can make, and maybe what he'll save for a different year. But somebody said that to me. And I thought that was really. That was a good idea. And I even heard somebody say one time this one was kind of funny, I think it said it in the article, but we'll share in our notes that they talked. About how. You know with electronic devices which tend to be a lot more pricey, a suggestion was made about saying, you know, elfs have a really hard time making electronics. They are used to making toys. So, they use wood and they use, you know what I mean? They do all the things. To make and to cut and to create. They have a hard time creating electronics, so if that's something that you want, we're going to save up for those things and it goes back to what you're saying before those might be the things that you end up working to buy yourself. While Santa is the one that provides more of the toy category and less of the electronic category.
Jen: Yeah. And in that, that article, it did talk about, you know, coming up with a jar and decorating it and all of that kind of stuff and, you know, looking. For those odd jobs to do to earn those things. I mean, I believe kids take better care of things that they purchase themselves. Then what if it just comes from mom and dad. Because they think. They'll break it. They'll let you something else.
Hilary: Yep, Yep. I'll get another one next year, my sister jokingly, and I didn't believe this until now, because I'm getting to this stage of life, but she said there are three times in your life like 3 pivotal changes in your parenting that like make a substantial difference. And she said the first one is when you have kids that are old enough to drive. Because then they can not only drive themselves, but they can also drive younger siblings like cuts the carpool in half. So that's a big one. I'm trying to when they're when if they can watch each other. Alright so that you can go and run your errands and do things that you need to do. And the third one is, she said when they stopped believing. And at first I was like, how dare you say that.
Jen: That Children stop believing.
Hilary: Yes! That they stop believing and I said, how dare you make that statement that is going to be the saddest day of my life when my kids don't. But you know what it. Nice to be able to say. That my oldest. You know what, buddy? That costs a lot of money we don't tend to spend that much money for holidays. So that's going to have to be one of those things that you're going. To save up for we can help you know if needs be. But it's such a breath of fresh air. To be able to get to that stage of life where I can have. As open and honest conversation about costs, yeah, we actually just have this conversation with my oldest a few weeks ago because he has. His love language, his shoes. So he has my oldest, yes, he loves this.
Jen: Wow, I would have never.
Hilary: Ohhh my gosh it.
Jen: Tagged him for a shoe boy.
Hilary: I will say obsession, obsession with shoes. Ohh different story different time. But he has a very expensive. Their shoes that he wants and he asked if that was one of those things. That you get asked for Christmas and I said buddy we don't spend that much our gifts. And so, I had to explain to him because typically at our house and I think this is probably similar to a lot of other homes, we try to like have the same amount of gifts for every child, right? So, everybody opens up five gifts. So, we had to have this discussion about if that. Is what you if that is what your wish is if that is what the one thing is that you really hope to have. We can do that, but that'll be the one the one and only thing. So, when your other siblings are opening up other items, you'll open up that one item and if that brings you joy just to have that one item and that is that one true thing that you really want, by all means, let's go ahead and do it. Like I'd rather have that be the case than just to unnecessarily buy gifts so that you have the equal amount exactly, but it's kind of nice.
Jen: Yes, yes.
Hilary: At that point, where they understand cost and fairness and things like that, so. The tradition has changed to an extent with him, but.
Jen: I mean you Could still have that joy. Does he still play along for the little ones?
Hilary: Oh, totally. And that is one thing I think I talked about that in the article as well too that that you know, for some children and honestly, for some parents there can be a little bit of a grieving process when.
Jen: Oh yeah. Oh, my husband was just.
Hilary: You know that the facade is over, you know the secret has been broken. Yes. Did he struggle with it?
Jen: Oh my heavens. His daughter is 17 years old and the man is still sad. That he can't. My goodness, you know, play Santa for her and which I just think is cute. He just wants to keep that magic alive. And it's fun. And it's nice for me. You know, he's the he's one of the ultimate givers, and it's all about giving instead of receiving. And I do like that. And he loves to give rather than receiving. So, I guess he still has a hard time with it. He's come to terms finally.
Hilary: I hope I so.
Jen: But he's still sad about it.
Hilary: I mean, it changes things. And it changes your traditions and traditions tend to be like they're longevity things, so it's hard for people to change those traditions when they've been doing them for the past 5, 6, 7, 8, 10, 20, years.
Jen: He wouldn't. Yeah, he had gone as far as buying a stanta suit.
Hilary: Keep this alive as long as possible.
Jen: But we just barely gave that to store honey.
Hilary: That's awesome, but I love. That it suggests in these articles, but like the magic, doesn't have to end like it's not like they find out and then Christmas is over there. There's no point in having this holiday? It's just reevaluating those traditions.
Jen: I Remember, one time and I don't know why we didn't do it more when we had moved up here. Maybe it was just because we knew a family that was in need. And we decided. Well, I guess we've done it twice as a family, where we're going to buy gifts for this, these families and. Yes, I was older and I understood, but I feel like you can get kids in it. On as well, yeah, of. You know, this is so exciting. We're going to be able to provide some stuff for this family that wouldn't normally get it and so I feel that magic is even more magical than.
Hilary: Oh yeah.
Jen: The receiving on one day.
Hilary: Yeah. And then they talk in these articles about. You know when children get to that age where they start to realize that. We tend to be the ones purchasing the gifts. But the I mean Saint Nicholas is a real person, you know. And I think we can all agree on the fact that there is a magic to that holiday. You know, whether whatever that may be like, miracles tend to happen around Christmas time and you can't argue against that. And so I think even though we may not be pretending like he's coming to our house to drop off the presents. We can still incorporate that magical feeling for our kids, and I think that is that the best way to do that is by helping them to recognize that we can be this special person for someone else like, we get to take that role of Santa and how cool is that?
Jen: The first one we door ditched and I loved that because then we could hide across the street and watch the surprise, yeah.
Hilary: Uh-huh. So fun. I know. We didn't do it every year. And I've done it a handful of times with my kids. Just because those 12 days creeps up on me, I'm like crap, we are already there, but I am not ready for this so I need to be more prepared, but the times I have done it with my kids. Such a fun experience. And yes, they can, my kids can still share experiences where they ran and they slipped or the other person opened the door too quickly and they thought they were going to come, but then they didn't get caught, you know, just those fun little moments that they have together, such a powerful experience for kids. And yes, I am in this stage of life where I have some that still believe and then obviously. One that doesn't, and one we're not quite sure. Is on the fence. She may. Or may not still at this point. I don't know, but it's so. Fun for him to be involved in that magic of continue saying that that secret.
Jen: Yeah, yeah.
Hilary: And being able to, you know, play out. Yeah, they had a one time did. You know. And yeah, it's just such a cool experience to have that when you have those kids in those varying stages of life that.
Jen: But I do love when the light bulb goes off and it's like. OK. really, Santa's going around the world to every single house. Yeah, right, mom.
Hilary: You want to hear? From my son. So, we've never had like a sit down. Formal conversation with my son until this year. And we knew I mean, he's older, he's a preteen. So, we knew chances are that he didn't. He was just playing along.
Jen: Which that was.
Hilary: I remember that's what I did too.
Jen: You still want to play along
Hilary: Yeah, right. So you still kind of playing along, we're. Like haha yeah. But we finally sat down with him. And we were like buddy. And he said to me because at our house, you know, I rarely. I am not an only chopper, every once in a while I'll order something quick. But I'm not like a I'm not a great no, I'm not a regular Amazon shopper except come Christmas time. So, like for 10 months of the year. We tend to get nothing on our porch, and then all of a sudden on November 1st we get packages all the time. And those boxes have to go somewhere. So, we tend to stack them up. We've got just a shelf in our garage, so we just stack up our boxes on the shelf. And it's actually right in right in front of where we park our car. So, my kids see that this stack gets bigger and bigger and bigger as Christmas gets closer and closer .
Jen: Especially since you give all gifts from Santa.
Hilary: Yeah, like we're not tricky enough do this. Sometimes I've said to my husband, how do they not know like this is so incredibly obvious
Jen: So incredibly obvious. But my son. Said to me, he's like I noticed that that big stack of boxes that's in the garage, it's always there in December and then the day after Christmas, it's gone.
Jen: It's like, wow.
Hilary: You know little things like that where I.
Jen: It's then they can see notice that I always want because they don't see in that black and white. They can now see outside of that.
Hilary: No, no.
Jen: And they love it. That's funny.
Hilary: And I remember with my nephew. So, like he came to his parents, and he asked the question, you know, is he real? Tell me. Got it. And his parents very lovingly broke the news to him. And then he just sat there a few seconds in silence. And then he said, so Easter Bunny? My dad was like. Yeah, that's us. Uh tooth fairy? Us as well, you know, because it's like once one, then they do, they start to connect the dots and they're like, oh, yeah, there isn't a giant Bunny that jumps around the neighborhood at night that makes sense too, doesn't it? Oh my goodness. Kids are funny. But I guess one other thing. That it mentioned in that article. Is just to kind of how to break the news right? What that conversation should look like?
Jen: And went to break the news.
Hilary: Exactly cause sometimes I wonder I'm like do you still know? And is it still appropriately like socially appropriate for you to know? I wondered that with my oldest of like. If you firmly believe and start telling people in middle school that you do. What's going to happen to yourself, though? Yeah, there. But I do like that it offered this suggestion of just like any tough conversation, right, like, allow them to come to you, create this safe space. And I love that the suggestion was to just kind of let them take the lead in the conversation, you know. And I think it offered a point of like finding out. What they know already, and maybe where these questions are coming from. So, like the idea of saying. Well, tell me. Why you're asking me this question? Or tell me what? You know about this already and kind of, because I think sometimes when they can actually vocalize it out loud, they can almost come. To that realization themselves like. Oh well, I noticed that there were boxes in the garage. And then I noticed that the boxes weren't in the garage. And then I noticed that we all got presents that day, you know, and then they can almost come to that by themselves. So, it just said, you know, offer. That suggestion of let them take the lead, let them share what they want to share. Fill in the gaps if needs be. As always with everything parenting related, be empathetic because there might be some kids that this is hard, hard news to hear. Right.
Jen: Especially depending on how old they are and if they found out from an older sibling or whatnot.
Hilary: Yes, yes. Yeah. And that conversation may be different, obviously, depending on the age. Because you're right, if it is my 6-year-old that's coming to me. Saying hey, yeah, someone in my class told me saying it wasn't real. I probably have a very different conversation with that child versus if my 10-year-old came to me and asked me that same question, so obviously you may engage it depending on your child and where they're at, but.
Jen: Well, I also think like when I was reading these articles and like, I wonder what parents do now. I mean, parents are having such a hard time financially, for the most part because of everything being so expensive. I just bought a $12.00 bottle of ranch. It's a specific brand, but I'm like no, it was even $12.99. It was 13 bucks, but anyways. Just thinking you know how to help these parents that are like? I'm sorry, our rent has gone up to, you know, X amount of dollars and this year we just can't do it. And so maybe you do have to have that conversation a little bit earlier.
Hilary: Yeah, sooner rather than yeah, later.
Jen: Then I would like but. I feel that that it. You can do it in appropriate ways and just let them know.
Hilary: Oh yeah, yeah. I think sometimes with money kind of a tricky 1 because we don't want to burden kids too much? And worry them too much about expenses. But I also think we're lexically speaking, it's OK to have a conversation about budgets.
Jen: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Hilary: You know helping kids understand things costs money or home costs, money or car costs money when I go. To the store and buy the food. It costs money. And you may even if your kids are young and you still want to keep the magic alive, you can. And say we have budgets at our House and Santa has a budget too. And just like how things have cost a little bit more, more money for us, they cost a little bit more money for him, which means that he may not be able to bring as much because Santa budget is a little bit lower than what it's been in the past. So, I think you can easily explain that in a child friendly way that makes sense, but also continues that continues that feeling.
Jen: But I also liked what you said about your parents, you know, growing up, you knew some of those things were secondhand, and you can go to some of these places and find nice things for a lot less and you take them home, clean them up and I think. It can be done as well if you don't want to completely get rid of it. But there are cheaper ways of doing it and not having to tell your child that there is Santa is was someone a long, long, long, long time ago? Because he was real Saint Nick was real, and so letting them know that kind of stuff, I don't know. It's so hard because it is so magical and so fun and.
Hilary: But I love that. You know, you brought up in the very beginning to maybe bring it back, but it's that idea of that Christmas is more than just stuff. Stuff, right? And if we can find a way to reinforce that and to teach that to our kids, that it's more than just these presents that you have in front of you. Like it's the magic of the season and that doesn't usually come from things, and so finding ways. Amongst those traditions to focus on some of those things, whether that includes gifts you know and giving gifts to other people or whether that doesn't. Because I think you can still have that magic. In other ways through acts of service and through quality time together, watching movies together as a family, baking cookies, things like that some of those traditions, I think are just as powerful as the presents we receive. We joke as a family oftentimes about that. Well, and I said it to my husband before, I'm like, I love Christmas. But sometimes Christmas is a little bit of a downer. Because you wake open up the presents. It ends in 15 minutes, and then you're. Like, well, what are we going to do? Now, like sometimes. The leading up to the actual day is more fun. We always have joked that we have some big Christmas Eve traditions and I actually enjoyed that day. I think more than I enjoy the actual day of Christmas. Because that day is full of time spent together as a family. And so, I think finding. Those other ways too enjoy that holiday season that doesn't necessarily have a price tag attached to it, too.
Jen: Teaching your kids the value of giving. In lots of other ways. I think it's always a good lesson little humility of knowing that other people don't have it as well as we have it.
Hilary: Yep, well, good luck with your shopping and your gift giving and my Amazon gift guide.
Jen: Yeah. And I was just telling Hilary, I just sent an e-mail or a text message to the to my stepdaughters and the one that has a husband and I said need your Christmas lists and I'm almost to the point of saying I need your Christmas list by this date or nothing. And I'm going to spend all that money on me. But yes, do have an enjoyable time. At that this season, this Christmas season and.
Hilary: And we thought we have, I mean we've talked about this on our on our podcast before, but we have we're on social media, we're on Facebook, we're and we'd love to hear some of your Christmas traditions on our Facebook group of some things that you. Do to incorporate that magical feeling that may not necessarily cost a lot if anything, so share those ideas on our Facebook page and we'll prepare that everyone to have a.
Jen: Little bit of more magic in their holiday season. But we thank you so much for coming today and. Listening to us discuss Santa. He is a great person, but sometimes we have to.
Hilary: Reign it in!
Jen: Bring it in, talk to our kids. You know, but in an empathetic, kind way. But we do hope you have an enjoyable holiday season that is filled of magic and. We hope that you can all be kind to yourself and to each other, and we will see you next.
Thank you for listening to the Parents Place podcast. If you would like to reach us, you can at parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org or you can reach Jen on Facebook. Jen Daly - the Family Place. Please check out our show notes for any additional information on our website is thefamilyplaceutah.org if you're interested in any of our upcoming virtual classes. We'd love to see you there.
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