The Comfort Corner is a technique that helps children regulate their energy and prevent negative behaviors from happening. Candice James teaches us what the Comfort Corner looks like and how we can implement this technique in our homes!
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Jen: Hello and welcome to the Parents Place, a podcast put out by The Family Place for parents to develop skills that will strengthen families and provide tools that will help each of us in our parenting efforts. No matter our skills, we can always use reminders that help us work towards a safer, happier home. I'm your host, Jennifer Daly, the education director at the Family Place and my co-host is Sara Hendricks, a Family Educator at The Family Place. Every week, we will interview professionals that will provide valuable information that will make a difference when you apply it directly to your life. Thank you for joining us. Now, let's get started with today's episode.
Sara: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast, I'm your host, Sara Hendricks, and I have with me, Jennifer Daly, say Hi Jen.
Jen: Hello.
Sara: Today we have an amazing guest. Her name is Candice James, and she's going to teach us something that I am super excited to learn more about. But before we get into that, Candice, how about you go ahead and introduce yourself?
Candice: My name is Candice James and I have been working here at The Family Place for about six years now. I started as a support staff in the kids place, so I was working directly with the children we serve here. And then I eventually took the role as the kids place site manager here in Logan, and I have a bachelor's degree in social work with a minor in family and human development, and I am actually getting ready to go back to school and pursue my master's degree in social work. And my end goal is ultimately to continue to work with families in crisis and help children in crisis as well. As a support staff member, I was put on the ARC implementation team. ARC stands for attachment, regulation and competency, and this is where we actually founded our policy and procedure for the Comfort Corner here at The Family Place. So, I have been able to be a part of that for the past, I think, four or five years as well.
Jen: Clearly, you are an expert in this area of working with kids and the Comfort Corner. So, I know what the Comfort Corner is, but I feel like everybody needs to know what that Comfort Corner is all about. So, can you tell us what that technique is?
Candice: Yeah. So, the Comfort Corner is a super awesome thing to be using when you're working with kids. So, I think something important for you guys to know before I talk about the Comfort Corner is this concept of energy. There is a podcast episode a couple weeks ago regarding energy if you want to know more about it, but there are three different levels of energy, one being low, medium and high. So, for example, low energy would be when you might be feeling like sitting or feeling bored or something like that. So, this concept of energy is something that I use directly in the Comfort Corner. So here in our facility, the Comfort Corner is actually in a separate room. We found that when we were doing it in the corner of a room, it was a little over stimulating for children. So, we had this space, so we decided to move that into an actual separate room. So that Comfort Corner technique that I use and that we use here at The Family Place is we always start with the check in with our children. So, that check in looks like simply asking the kids where their energy is. They can point to their energy. They can tell you verbally or they can show you physically, however they feel most comfortable. And then typically from there we find a modulation activity. So, modulation activity can be different for any child and should be different for every child, depending on their needs. But we have a variety of different things like bubbles or puzzles, or just like little fidgety toys as well. And typically, when we're using our Comfort Corner, we're in there for about five minutes, just depending on age. I think that something to remember is the age level and age appropriateness when using the Comfort Corner technique. For example, a two-year-old isn't going to remember why they're in there if they're in there for five to 10 minutes, whereas a 10-year-old would remember the concept. So, I always make sure that I am doing a modulation activity alongside the child. I think this is a great opportunity to really connect with your children, as well as get to know them and get to know their worries or their doubts, or just what makes them happy. I think it's a super awesome time to be one on one with them. So, when we're in the Comfort Corner, I always use statements like it seems like or it looks like. So, this is a way that we can really teach children about their energy and how it feels in their body, but also teach children how to regulate their emotions. So, if they're feeling really frustrated and angry and have this high energy, we want to be able to teach them how to use things around them and in their environment safely to get them back to an appropriate level of energy to continue throughout their day. I believe you guys are all probably wondering what a comfort corner may look like or the best way to set this up in a variety of different locations. So here at the kids place in the one that I use, it is a typical room with not a lot of objects directly accessible in the comfort corner. And that's just because we work with a variety of different kids because we are an agency. However, I think this would look different if it was in your home because you would only have your children accessing your Comfort Corner so you could set it up how you feel is best. But here at The Family Place sometimes we get kids who are aggressive, so we limit our objects in the Comfort Corner. So right now, we have a beautiful beach mural on our wall, and that's simply to help make the room feel a little bit bigger, but also feel calming to bring that calming presence. So that takes up one of our walls as well as we have a huge bean bag. So, it's like probably six feet wide, and the bean bag can be used for a variety of different reasons, right? It's can be a chair. It can be something that you can punch or kick, those kinds of things. So, it's kind of a three in one for us. But our other family place sites, they have different things. So, one of them has actually a swing that's like hooked to the ceiling to help regulate children, as well as they have what you call a crash pad. So, a crash pad is something similar to a bean bag. It's supposed to be safe for them to be able to get out any kind of feelings or any kind of energy out on so you can punch it or you can kick it, or you can just sit on it as well. So that's kind of what the Comfort Corner looks like in an agency. However, I think that if you were in your home and your children don't necessarily struggle with the aggression, there would be a lot of variety in the way you could set it up. Like, I think you could have chairs or you could have more bean bags as well as you could have the objects inside the room because then they can have more freedom in choosing their objects. Whereas right now, because we serve so many different kids, they're outside of the comfort corner and we just bring them in with us. So, I think there's a lot of flexibility in that when designing your comfort corner at home.
Jen: Candice, it is kind of different in your home. We have some home visitors that go into our homes and teach Comfort Corners, and we had one parent that their child decided like, what would be helpful for him and what his idea was to have a basket of items so that he could modulate with. But then they put a blanket over their kitchen table so he could go underneath the kitchen table, and it was kind of closed off for him and he could go in there and do the things that he wanted to do to help him release some of that energy or make it more comfortable.
Candice: That's super awesome. I actually have a client who did something similar in their walk-in closet, so they were able to turn that into something that they could use as a Comfort Corner. So, I think it's super awesome to see all the different ways and the flexibility that you have within it. So, to wrap up the Comfort Corner technique, something that I always like to end the use of the Comfort Corner with when I'm using it with the child is making sure we do what we call is a checkout. So, we review their energy and where their energy is at now to see where the kid's energy goes when they're in a break. Is the Comfort Corner working or is it not? It's a good way to scale up; like, do we need to change something? Do we need to add a certain manipulative toy for them to be able to play with? Like, what does that look like for each child? So, it's super awesome to use that checkout procedure to talk with them about where their energy is and proper ways to behave outside of the comfort corner because we are using it in a child care setting. We often use it to help children regulate after they may have broken a value or a rule in the child care setting. And so, it's super helpful to then teach as well to be able to coach your child appropriate ways to react and act outside of the Comfort Corner.
Sara: This is all really cool. I feel like I'm learning about this for the first time because this isn't something that I necessarily work with in my job. I don't typically work with clients one on one this way. And so, this isn't something that I really know a lot about, and so I've really enjoyed hearing all the things that you were telling us about. That's something that I really love about The Family Place is that we have so many tools at our fingertips and depending on services that clients are receiving, they're getting so many great tips and techniques on how to better their families in their homes. And I can see how the Comfort Corner is really valuable. You kind of touched on it, but I was wondering if this is something where you send a child to the Comfort Corner by themselves? Or is there an adult that goes there with them? And also, can you tell us how is the Comfort Corner different from time out?
Candice: Yeah. So, I think that you could do it in two different ways. I think that here at our agency, we do go alongside the child into the Comfort Corner. However, I know that when you're in your home, the environment is very different than it is at an agency. So, we do go alongside with them and the goal is so then we can teach them and use it as a teaching method to how to regulate your energy and participate in those activities and have a conversation about what our energy is like and those kinds of things. However, I think that in the home, if you get it to a point where your children knows the expectations and knows the goal behind it, you may be able to leave them to go alone and be able to continue to teach themselves. However, I would say that is the biggest difference between a time out and a Comfort Corner is that time out is typically where the child is somewhere alone. However, in the Comfort Corner, you're using different activities that are different energy levels that help the children learn how to regulate their energy so then they can behave appropriately. So, I think that that would also be the biggest difference as well between a time out and the Comfort Corner. And then it's more of a discipline method as well as a teaching method.
Jen: One thing that I like to teach when I teach about the Comfort Corner in parenting class is really for families at home using it as a prevention tool. So really watching your kids before they get to that cliff, before they go over the cliff, and now they're in a full-blown tantrum of trying to get them before that, so you're not having to deal with the full-blown tantrum. And so, I think that's another important piece of it not being a timeout. I just really love it because of the fact that even with timeouts, I mean, I've taught over the years about timeouts, and I always say, what is our main goal about a timeout? And they're like, Well, we just want our kids to calm down. And I'm like, well, then let them do whatever they need to do to calm down. If we send a child in a corner or put them off by themselves with nothing to do and we put a time limit on it, our kids are either going to calm down really quick or they're going to explode more. So, when we put a time limit on timeouts, it's either too long or too short. So just let them go into that space and do what they need to do to calm down so that you can have those wonderful teaching moments you were talking about with your child so they can learn how to regulate their own emotions. So, Candice, I know I answered some of the questions of when is it time to use a Comfort Corner? But what are some other reasons why a family would use a comfort corner in their own home?
Candice: I'm a strong believer that every behavior communicates a need, and I think often times even quietness can be communicating a need. So, for example, we have a lot of children that I see weekly here at The Family Place that often resort to being quiet and not really wanting to talk. And I also think that Comfort Corner can be used in that moment as well, right? So, let's say you have a child in your home that came home from school and they're really upset and they're refusing to talk to you or they're just like super quiet. The Comfort Corner is a great way that I have been able to use in the past to be able to get these children to open up to me and to be able to connect with them and really figure out what that behavior is trying to communicate to me, whether it's that they just wanted to talk or they just needed me to sit with them and ultimately play with them alongside of them. And so, I think that just remembering that every behavior communicates a need, especially when you're using the Comfort Corner, that you'll find more and more behaviors that are trying to communicate something when you turn to the Comfort Corner.
Sara: So, I really love the idea of this Comfort Corner. It sounds to me like you could send the child to the Comfort Corner when their energy is high, but also when their energy is low. If they're uncomfortable in their energy, it's a way for them to modulate and bring their energy to a place that they're more comfortable to function in. I also love the idea of going as a parent to the Comfort Corner with my child. When my kids were really little, like toddler age, if I put them in timeout, I personally would go to time out with them and sit by them and talk about why we're in time out because I knew if I just want them to time out, they're going to have no idea what it is, what they need to learn from sitting and time out. And so, we would have conversations about now this is why we have to sit here and take a minute, take a breather from whatever the situation was, and this is what we can do better and not do that same thing again. You know, and just really help them through understanding why they're in time out. But I can see with a Comfort Corner going with the child. Candice, when you were sharing about a child feeling maybe more reserved and shy and not participating, that it's an opportunity to have that one on one conversation with them and help them feel comfortable in a situation. Now, obviously in my home, my kids aren't necessarily uncomfortable, but I could see that being an opportunity to talk with them and maybe have them open up and share some things about what happened at school that may be triggering these behaviors at home. And so, I just like that idea of going to the Comfort Corner with them. And let's be real, as my kids have gotten older, sending them to time out looks differently. It's “Go to your room” and “I need a break from you”. And so, I don't necessarily go with them anymore. Now I still have those conversations with them, but typically it looks like go to your room, we will talk about this once I'm ready to talk because a lot of times it triggers emotions in me and I'm not in a place to carry a conversation because I'm upset, you know; and so, we take that break. They separate from whatever the situation was. Eventually, when it's time for them to come out of their room, I will go to them and talk to them. But I like the idea of trying to stop those behaviors before they happen by having this Comfort Corner because you can see when your kid's energy is getting uncomfortable to be able to go with them and have those conversations before it escalates.
Jen: You know what, Sara? This reminds me of our energy talk with Brandy and how she had explained to her daughter that it wasn't her daughter, that she needed some space to go in and regulate her energy. So, I really like that fact of the whole explaining to your kids, you know, we need to have a timeout and a timeout from each other is not a bad thing, but we're going to do something to regulate that energy so that we can come back together and talk about this. And I loved that. That just reminded me of what Brandy was teaching us about energy.
Sara: Yes, so huge plug for Brandy's episode. If you have not listened to it, it will help make this episode make a whole lot more sense in regards to energy and knowing how to talk to your kids about energy. So, Candice, how have you seen it work with the children that you work with, with using the Comfort Corner?
Candice: I think that I've seen such a huge difference when they get that one on one attention and you're using the time to teach them skills instead of just trying to like crisis management situations when you're working with children. I think that I've been very lucky in the time that I've worked here and have been implementing this technique, that there has been a variety of different kids that come from different paths and it's been super helpful for all of them. So, for example, going back to that child that I talked about when they're like being quiet or just kind of being reserved or shy, I've seen it work with children like that. But I've also seen it work with kids who have come from a trauma history and just need help teaching them what energy is and how to regulate your emotions. And so, I've seen it work in a variety of different ways, and it just, I think Jen mentioned this, but it just like meeting your child where they're at. Like, she said, if you send them to timeout and you expect them to sit there, but they're feeling really high energy, it's not going to get you anywhere. Whereas I think with the Comfort Corner technique, if you see that they have high energy and you meet them where they're at and you let them run from wall to wall in the Comfort Corner for a little bit and then you move on to a medium energy activity, that's going to benefit you a lot more than just sticking them in a chair for a timeout. And I think that that has been something that I've loved to see as that. I mean, we never did time out here, but I mean, growing up, I was put in timeout. And so, I think it just is a great way to teach kids life skills that will help them in the long run as well.
Jen: I had a friend that she had introduced this to her daughter, and they actually have like one of those little pop up princess tents kind of thing that they she would stick in her closet. But it was movable, so she could put it wherever she wanted within the house. And it got to the point to where after she and introduced it and had talked with her daughter, went in the Comfort Corner with her daughter, that her daughter would say, “You know what, I got to go to the Princess Castle, I'll be back in a little bit.” And so, I think that is so cool. There's lots of great things that come from kids using the Comfort Corner.
Candice: Well, you even find them teaching each other, right? So, like I've seen in the kids place where there's other kids teaching the newer kids like this is when you can use the Comfort Corner, and it seems like maybe you need to go take a break. And I think that that's awesome to see that we're teaching this one child and then they're teaching other children or other siblings as well as like, it seems like you might need to go take a break. Like that really helps me so maybe it'll help you.
Jen: Yeah, we talked a little bit about how parents can use this in their homes. Is there any other techniques you would like to share about how they could use this within their own homes?
Candice: I would just recommend finding a place that is quiet. I think that that was my biggest being here in the agency, was trying to find a place that is quieter. I understand in the household it's very different. And if you can find a place that's like a little bit quieter, you'll find so much more success. When we were doing our Comfort Corner in an area where we also played music for dancing, it was really tricky to teach kids how to regulate themselves and their energy. So, I would definitely recommend finding a place that's a little bit quieter, whether it's in a tent like Jen said or it's in a closet or it's underneath the dinner table because that's the quietest place, I would definitely recommend finding a place that is consistent if you can and somewhere that is safe and quiet for the child as well.
Jen: And I think quiet is an important thing because if you do have dancing music and then you're asking them to calm down, that's kind of confusing for them. But I also want to just say, as I'm sure everybody knows, when we say, you know, they can go in a closet or things like that, that never means that you're shutting a child in a closet or closing the door on them or anything like that. This is totally they choose that this is their space where they feel comfortable, where they can calm down.
Candice: I also would mention that Jen kind of touched on it just barely, but if you can, let the child choose where that Comfort Corner is going to be. Depending on how many children you have I know that that might look different. But a lot of kids have developed their comfort corner actually in their room, just like in a corner in their room. And that's totally awesome as well. I think one more plug about using the Comfort Corner in your home is to remember that it can benefit you as well as the parent. So, whether you decide to go into the Comfort Corner alongside your child, use that moment to really regulate your emotions as well, right? Oftentimes, dealing with behaviors from your children can trigger things in your own life and your own energy, so recognize that as well and learn to use that to help regulate you as well. Like Sara said, sometimes she needs that timeout so she can go take some time for herself. But that's the same in the Comfort Corner. Oftentimes, I find myself finding regulation or modulation activities in the Comfort Corner that I know will help regulate me as well, and I'll take a couple of deep breaths. So that way they learn from me, but also, I'm helping myself to get through that behavior as well. And even if you're not going in with your child, take that time to really regulate yourself outside of the Comfort Corner as well.
Jen: It's also a great way to just increase that attachment with your child. I mean that for me, that's the big key of getting kids to do what we want them to do is having that strong attachment with them and going to the Comfort Corner with your kids is a perfect way to strengthen that that attachment with them.
Sara: I’m loving all of these ideas. Because when Candice, when you first started explaining the Comfort Corner and you said that at The Family Place, the Comfort Corner is its own room. I was trying to picture how this would happen in my home because I really don't have a room that I could dedicate to the Comfort Corner. I mean, even a closet, to clear out an entire closet and turn it into a Comfort Corner with modulation activities or whatever. Like, I just don't see that happening. But to hear that, like Jen shared that it was the kitchen table with a blanket over the top. Obviously, that's not a permanent Comfort Corner, that's something that gets set up every time they're going to use it. But then also, Candice, when you shared a child picking a place in their bedroom to be the Comfort Corner, like, yeah, that's totally doable. We could totally do that in our house and the wheels are just turning for how I can implement this with my own kids. So, I'm really excited about all of this information. So, with that, what are things that we should do if the Comfort Corner doesn't work for our kids?
Candice: I think that's something I have tried, especially for those younger children. If their comfort corner isn't working, is redirecting the child. I think sometimes the child needs to be redirected to a different activity and then maybe try using the comfort corner in a different way. Also, something with the older kids I have seen is that they don't always love going to the Comfort Corner. So, we teach them to take breaks outside of the Comfort Corner. So, it's kind of more like something you do within your household is like, OK, this child doesn't like going in the Comfort Corner, and it actually makes their energy more uncomfortable. So, what is it that we can substitute that with? And so oftentimes we have children, like right now we have a client that we let them take a break in the corner of the just like the main room by themselves. And he likes to just draw. And so he'll go and grab some paper and we'll get him some paper and he can just draw. Or another one is we have another child who really likes to be physically active but doesn't like the Comfort Corner, and it doesn't always help. So we will have him do a large motor activity. So, for example, he might be able to ride his bike around the playground a couple of times and then we run inside. But I think this simply goes back to what Jen said earlier and meeting your child where they're at, meeting the child's needs and what does that look like? So ultimately, when the Comfort Corner doesn't work, I take this concept of teaching kids how to regulate their energy, and they apply it in a different way. So if the children I work with are struggling with getting to a medium or a low energy because they sit at high energy, I would potentially try something that's going to meet their high energy and work their way down outside of the Comfort Corner. It's definitely more time consuming, but I definitely think that you still see the same results. It just takes a little bit more planning and more time. But I definitely think meeting that child where they're at and where those needs are as far as their energy level goes, is what I would strongly recommend when the Comfort Corner doesn't work.
Jen: I think those are great ideas of when it doesn't work because not everything is going to work for every child all the time. And so it's important to have backups. And I think, yes, it may be a little bit time consuming in the beginning, but the hope of the Comfort Corner and just having those teachable moments with your kids in any time that you're disciplining, that you are teaching them to behave in the way that you're wanting to. So over time, you're going to be spending less time correcting behavior because they're going to know how to correct that behavior on their own. So Candice, you shared a lot of comfort corner success stories with us. Is there any other parting words you would like to share with our audience about the comfort corner?
Candice: I would just say, when you're using the Comfort Corner, one of your biggest items or strengths can be using yourself. So, you don't necessarily need items in this comfort corner. If you can use yourself, for example, playing games like I-SPY, or like a beat game where everyone follows the beat that you're doing. I think there's a variety of different things. I know that every family has different financial needs, and so I think if you're looking for things that you can do in the Comfort Corner without a budget, there's a lots of things. If you search the web for games that you can play alongside a child, to then develop more of that attachment piece. Also, another good one is making sure you have board games as well. That can be another regulating thing for children as well. So, if you have board games or card games, just like around that house, they can also be used as a modulation activity as well. And lastly, I would just say I would strongly recommend using the Comfort Corner and really researching it as well. I think there's a lot of research base behind it, and I would definitely recommend using it as something in your household.
Jen: Thank you so much, Candice, for sharing all that great information with us. I get so excited about this podcast and all of the little pieces that fall into place with one another and the importance of all of them. And never is this ever to try to stress parents out or anything like this. It's just information and what you can take from it, people can take from it. And what resonates with you, incorporate that into your family's life. That's all we have time for today. But if you are wanting to contact us and ask more questions about the comfort corner or anything else, you're welcome to email us at parents@thefamilyplaceutah.org. Thank you for joining us on our podcast today, and we hope to see in next week for another wonderful topic.
Sara: Thanks again for listening. The Family Place is a non-profit organization in Logan, Utah, with a mission to strengthen families and protect children. We call ourselves starfish throwers. If you're unsure what that means, refer back to our introduction episode where we explain it. The good news is you can be a starfish thrower too by subscribing to the Parents Place podcast and liking our social media pages. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with others and help us get our message out to more people. Also, be sure to check the show notes for links to information referenced in this episode.
That's all for now, but we'll catch you again next time on the parent’s place.
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