Protective Factors. Have you ever heard of that term? Little do we know that protective factors or vital to families, and we are here to teach you about them. What are protective factors and why are they so important? Dr. Dave gives us a better understanding of these buffers and how they can strengthen and build resilience in our families.
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Jen: Hello and welcome to The Parent’s Place, a podcast put out by The Family Place for parents to develop skills that will strengthen families and provide tools that will help each of us in our parenting efforts, no matter our skills. We can always use reminders that help us work towards a safer, happier home. I'm your host. Jennifer Daly, the education director at the Family Place and my co-host is Sara Hendricks, a family educator at the Family Place. Every week, we will interview professionals that will provide valuable information, that will make a difference when you apply it directly to your life. Thank you for joining us, now, let's get started with today's episode.
Sara: Welcome back to the Parents Place podcast, I'm your host, Sara Hendricks,
Jen: and I'm your co-host, Jen Daly.
Sara: For those who don't know, April is Child Abuse Prevention Month, and here at The Family Place, we do a big campaign to bring awareness to the problem and educate families. So, this month on our podcast, we are going to do a series of episodes focusing on abuse prevention and what better way to kick things off than to gain a better understanding of protective factors, which help strengthen families and protect children? I couldn't be more excited to introduce today's guest, Dr. Dave Schramm. I participated in a training that he facilitated a couple of years ago, and it was amazing, I left feeling so uplifted and equipped to be the best parent for my children. I honestly couldn't wait to go home and apply everything I learned and just be with my kids. And that's my hope for this episode that parents will leave feeling empowered and excited to spend time with their kids. So welcome, Dr. Dave, would you like to give us a little introduction of yourself?
Dr. Dave: Hey, Sara and Jen, I am so happy to be on with you today to talk about some happy hacks, some parenting principles, some things that will hopefully help parents. Yeah, so I'm known as Dr. Dave. I'm a professor here on U.S.U.’s campus, Utah State University. I'm an extension specialist, so that means I get to take the research and develop programs and extend it out to parents and families, Utahns and beyond. So, yeah, I am just happily in love with my wife, we've been married over 20 years, we have four kiddos, four teenagers, four teenagers! So, I've had some experience with teenagers and toddlers and tantrums and everything in between. So, I'm happy to kick things off what a wonderful month, April Child Abuse Prevention and I'm excited let's get started.
Jen: This is so exciting. I was originally trained in the protective factor’s years before I had the training from you, so I've had lots of different trainings about the protective factors and love them. And truly believe that these are super helpful for parents to know and understand to kind of buffer all of the world things that happen to families. And so, I know what the protective factors are, but can you let
our listeners what all of those protective factors are?
Dr. Dave: Yeah, yeah, you bet, in fact, Jen I love that you use that term buffer, and I compare the five protective factors right up front a vehicle, right? This analogy, let's say that you're getting in the car, you're taking your kids on a road trip. You know, there are certain things that will make it more likely that you're going to get to your destination safely. Right? And we're talking about seatbelts and making sure that we have gas in the car and two hands on the steering wheel, our attention is out there. Now when people are doing those things, they protect them, it doesn't guarantee you that you're going to get there safely but what protective factors and those things are the vehicle to it makes it more likely that you'll get there safely. And it's the same thing when these five protective factors are alive and well in families, then it really helps them. The first one is concrete support in times of need so that seems like boom, The Family Place right? It's these concrete supports, whether maybe financial security or food, or maybe some classes on parenting. It's to help meet those basic concrete needs because it's really hard, let's admit it's really hard to focus on our children when we don't know if the lights are going to be on tomorrow or I'm going to have a job. So, this is concrete support in times of need as the first one, the second one is parental resilience. Oh man, we get bombarded don’t we today with all kinds of stresses? And so being able to function well to manage the stresses, the challenges, the adversity, the trauma that comes. So, it's about knowing and using our strengths, every one of us, every everyone listening to this has strengths. And so, we use those strengths and not allowing right, these stressors to keep parents from meeting their children's needs, having a positive attitude, knowing more about our roles or responsibilities as parents, that's parental resilience, that's the second one. The third one is knowledge of parenting and child development, so, this is about understanding child development, ages and stages. You know, what is my child supposed to be doing two or six months or eight, you know, and why are they walking yet? And now they're throwing a tantrum and they won’t sit still in the car and this thing, and it can bring frustration when our expectations really exceed our children's abilities. So, it's physical, it's cognitive, it’s language, it's social and emotional development, so that's the knowledge of parenting child development number three. The fourth protective factor is social and emotional competence of children, so that's a mouthful but there really this is about interactions helping our children develop and the ability to communicate clearly, to recognize and regulate their emotions and establish and maintain relationships. It's learning to respond rather than react to children's needs, it's about setting, you know, clear expectations and limits and social skills and talking and reading to your child. It's all of those things help build social and emotional competence of kids and the last one, social connections we’re all of us were born with this longing for belonging. This craving for connection with other people and parents, when we get really stressed out as we all do, we need someone whether it's a friend, it's a neighbor. It's The Family Place as a counselor, it's a friend at church, whoever it is, we need someone to kind of unload some of the problems and the stress. At least, you know, I had a parent actually yesterday, honestly, that texted me and said, my child, you know, this eight-year-old is getting in trouble at school and is lying and it's stressful and I just need some help. Dr. Dave and so, yeah, so I'm going to reach out and talk with her later on to give her some suggestions because that's a social connection rather than explode on my child. So those are those are the five-concrete support in times of need parental resilience, knowledge of parenting and child development, social and emotional competence of kiddos and social connections.
Jen: Awesome, thank you so much. I was talking to my husband last night and he was asking me what I was doing today for the day, and I explained to him that we were going to do a podcast. What is it on? And told him about the protective factors and told him what they were and he was like, you know what, that was one of those were the thing that saved me as a single dad, was that knowledge of parenting and child development. He says I went to research online, I would buy books, it was so helpful to know what I could let go kind of thing because it was the normal development. I was still going to teach them to do something different if it was wrong but I handled it in a completely different way because of the fact I knew this was a normal development for my child. And so, he says that really saved me when I was a single dad, knowing or else I would have gotten mad a lot more. So, these protective factors are awesome.
Dr. Dave: Yeah, that's huge isn’t it Jen? Just having some knowledge again some basic knowledge in that can what it does is it often relieves some of the frustration that my child is not old enough to really perspective take right now or say you're sorry, say you're sorry right now, or hey quit your crying, knock it off. So just being able to understand, oh, children, they experience the world differently than we do and you know, one of the things is that we have forgotten, we've forgotten what it's like to be a child, to have spills, to make mistakes, to throw ourselves on the floor. I'm tired, I'm angry, I'm lonely, I'm frustrated. My siblings won’t let me play, I was left out at school, man they're bombarded with a lot. And so, yeah, the more that we can see the world from their eyes, I love that being able to slow down and try to see it from their perspective. It's key, isn't it?
Jen: Yes, kids have a lot of firsts and we need to remember that. I mean, when we as adults have first, it's scary and so, for kids, every day, they're probably experiencing a first for them and so, we just we need to slow down and remember.
Sara: Isn't it also kind of interesting that we expect perfection from our children, like we get upset when they make those mistakes or spill or ruin something? We expect that perfection, they’re children and would we have the same reactions towards an adult if they did the same thing. Like our spouse or a friend, that was over and they spill their drink on our floor, are we going to get upset at them? No, we're going to excuse that mistake that happened and be forgiving and kind, but when it comes to our children, we tend to get really upset and expect that perfection from them.
Dr. Dave: Yeah, yeah, we really do we treat others a little bit differently than the people that we should treat the very best. Those in our in our own homes and unfortunately, the frustration since we're around our children is that's who we often take it out on and one of the tips that I'd like to give parents is learning to respond rather than react. Your reaction is, oh, my child is going to fall, you know, off the couch or something, and you catch this little toddler or the milk spills and you react and you try to catch them or clean it up instead of responding. And I, I like to encourage parents to be, I call it, a first responder rather than a nuclear reactor, right? That we just blow up at things that we that we choose, you know, a first responder what do they do when they come upon a scene? They immediately look for, you know, vital signs, heart rate and breathing and perhaps that's one of the things that parents can do when we see something we’ll each have a feeling. So, we have an emotion, but what we can do is we can learn to feel but not follow that initial (guttural noise) where we want to jump down their throats and react. We can stop, we can slow down and say, oh, okay, I can feel that I'm about to burst, but choose to be a responder rather than a nuclear reactor.
Sara: I love that connection because I think the first responders, the very first step when you're CPR certified is to assess the situation and to have that same mentality with our kids. Assess the situation, are they safe? Is whatever the problem is, is that like fire or, you know, like assess the situation, do you need to react or can you approach it with kindness and love and have that teaching mentality? I think that's so great, one thing, as a parent, my children are still pretty young my oldest is nine down to the age three, and when my oldest was little and she's my first child, moving through all these developmental stages. I would have this mindset and I still do, this is her first time doing these things, she's learning, she only has three years of experience, you know, or whatever it is. And so, to be forgiving and lenient in her experiences because she hasn't done these things before, or even if she has, she's only done it a handful of times, she's still trying to figure it out.
Dr. Dave: Oh, no, Sara, I love that and those are such fun ages but wow, trying your patience as well, right? I'll even back up a little bit, I think one of the first things for parents is it’s that self-care, right? It's am I in a good place? That's the, you know, the social connection, the parental resilience, I call it a flourishing parent, am I in a good spot? You know, am I the H.A.L.T? Hungry, angry, lonely, tired, making sure that I'm taking care of me? You know, moving, exercise, diet, all those types of we call it, you know, simple things that really parenting starts with us. It starts with us as a parent that we're more likely to respond rather than react but you mentioned somethings, I think big thing, I think a key part honestly of parenting is the word compassion. It is being able to see that child and you know, you get done with lunch and then a half hour later, I'm hungry, you're not hungry. You know, we're just so frustrated, why didn’t you eat? And it's being able to put ourselves in their shoes, their stomachs, there's so much different, then ours we're not hungry and so oftentimes whatever we're experiencing, we assume that they'll experience. Another key is they fall down, skin their knee, hey get up, oh, my goodness, don't cry, that is not her doing it and we forget what it's like to be a child. Only and we think, Oh, they're little nerve endings on that knee, they're just firing and they're blowing up their brain and ow this is, this is hurt because they haven't had the experience that we have. So, can I share a little acronym that I actually came up with to help parents when they're in a frustrating situation? Instead of right oh, pounced on the child when we feel like we want to react, I call it snap, S.N.A.P. and so literally they can snap their fingers. They can say the word snap, and that will just trigger something that's the difference that's going on in the brain. And the S stands for stop if they can simply pause, okay, oop, snap, and so, whether they snap their fingers, that is an indication I need to stop, I shouldn't react right now, I need to stop. The N is for notice, so notice the feeling of irritation, you know, and notice the anger, notice your heart rate, notice your respiration all that blood pressure rising. It's just far too easy to let our emotions take charge and influence our response so notice how you're feeling put a word to it, oh man I mean, my heart is racing right now. So that's the N as notice the feeling, the A is assess, assess the situation and the voices in your head because, you know, put your situation, put it all in perspective, you know, is this really going to matter tomorrow, you know, next week, next month, next year? Is this really going to matter as we assess the situation, most situations don't warrant that level of energy or anger so, assess it. And then the P in SNAP stands for plan or pass, okay? So, pass means in some situations, you know, and it might be a hook and I just need to pass it or I’m going to give you an example, right to my, my daughter, teenage daughter or my wife or I headed out the door to a meeting. Hey, can you guys help us? They're old enough right to put away stuff and unload the dishwasher, it's not going to take you long, it's not that hard. And you know what she said? She said if it's not that hard dad, then why don't you do it? All right then, that's called a hook first off, and that's a hook, so, yeah, parents don't take the hook but I decided to pass, I felt that and I was like, mm I’m going to let that one pass. I'm not, you know, it doesn't even deserve a response or anything, but actually, you know, went over and put my arm around her like, hey, you know, if you help us out, you know, we can have ice cream when we get back. But that was one where I wanted to pounce so the P is to plan or pass. So, the pass is OK, just let it pass. The other part of the plan is to plan, plan a response, plan something in your head. Okay, what's the best course of action right now? Not, you know, outside of my emotions, what do I need to say or do that's in the best interest of my child? And so simply snap, say the word, snap your fingers, stop, notice, assess and plan or pass, so hopefully that's helpful for some parents.
Jen: Super helpful.
Sara: So good, I was actually thinking maybe that P for me currently stands for pounce.
Dr. Dave: Yeah, that's right.
Sara: And I need to adjust it to plan or pass, yeah.
Dr. Dave: Yeah, that's great.
Sara: So, can you help us with all of these protective factors? Why are they important?
Dr. Dave: Hmm, you know, collectively, when they're all there, when we have some things that we can turn to, right, whether it's knowledge of parenting and child development. So ultimately, what it does, it affects our behaviors, right? Hopefully, it changes the way that we think, the way that we feel, the way that we act and the way that we behave. And so, when we can change our response and our behavior you know what it does? It gives our children a different person or a different parent to respond to because often what happens is this upward spiral really kind of a downward spiral, right? We see something there's writing on the wall and we react instead of respond and then that makes them, you know, cry and get upset or we try to get them buckled in their seat. If you ever had that? Oh my goodness, that's so frustrating and it always happens when you're in a hurry, they won't get their shoes on, or you can't find the backpack or the notes not signed. So many situations, we have to make sure, okay, my heart rate is increasing, I need to recognize this and so, what it does is it tries if these are there, it gives us a kind of a coping, different mechanism, when we feel triggered. It's like, okay, here’s some go to things that I know, but unfortunately, we don't have much access to our rational part, right? The front part of our brains and the emotional part takes over and, you know, so I'll share another one is the emotional mirror, you may remember this from the training. It’s holding up the emotional mirror, when it's children, they're experiencing strong emotions one of the best things we can do is hold up that emotional mirror and simply process that with them. And instead of dismiss it and say, hey, hey, it's not that big a deal or oh my goodness, you know, you don't have to get so mad about that, it’s simply holding up the emotional mirror. I hate this dinner, I hate this dinner mom, I hate this dinner and we want to react, it’s like, okay, yeah, maybe green beans and cauliflower are not your favorite. So, we're able to, yeah, you really don't like vegetables, or we don't try to change their minds in the moment when anyone's experiencing a strong emotion. The best thing to do is reflect it and process it and not try to change the way we think or feel in the heat of the moment.
Jen: Yeah, I just think about, there’s this meme of this skeleton that sitting on a park bench and it says me waiting for validation. And I think validating that, you know, reflecting that emotion that's just validating how they're feeling and saying yeah you have a right to have those feelings and it's okay. So, let's discuss them and see what we can figure out together.
Dr. Dave: Yeah, yeah, I love that and related a cousin to holding the emotional mirror is granting in fantasy what you can't grant in reality. And if you remember this one from the workshop, when they're really excited about something, they want to have a sleepover, I want to go here, do that, and it's really not realistic, and we can't do it either we don't have the budget or the time or some other reason. That we don't be so quick to squash it, whether it's birthday time or maybe it's Christmas and they want this or I want these toys or you're at the store, that can be frustrating for parents. But one of the again best, things hold up the emotional mirror and grant in fantasy and all is simple. You just say, oh my goodness, wouldn't that be awesome? Can you imagine and my son and I go out to ice cream and he wants all of them and I say, only two scoops and we get into this battle, but I look at him and I say, oh, wouldn't that be awesome? Can you imagine how high the ice cream cone would be? And I grant in fantasy instead of just squash those feelings so fast, I love what Haim Ginott, one of my favorite authors and child psychologists, he said, “Fish swim, birds fly and people feel,” that's what we are. We are human beings that feel, we have emotions and those are so, so important and so important to manage correctly, to label say, wow, you're really frustrated! Well, you really want that do you? Come here and tell me some of the reasons why you want an iPhone 27, right? So, you can teleport myself to my friends? You know, they we just grant in fantasy, it gives them the next best thing to their item or that trip and that is our understanding.
Sara: I love that I actually, so you talked about granting and fantasy. That's really positive, but I want to go back to that dinner complaint and mirror their emotions, be understanding and compassionate, but then what? Like, how do you handle the situation if they're throwing a tantrum? Frustrated about dinner, refusing to eat it? Like, I understand giving choices like it's your body you can choose to go to bed hungry and not eat dinner. But you know, I feel like a lot of parents have dinner battles with their younger children. And so, reflecting those emotions and being understanding but then what? What do we do next?
Dr. Dave: Yeah, oh, great question, Sara. Yeah, you're headed down in, this is a tough one because each situation and each child in each child's history and temperament and personality, all this goes into this one. And so, I don't know if there's a single right answer so for some parents, it may be okay you know, here's peanut butter and jam. You know, here's the substitute, it's either this or that, or it could be, hey, you know, we're going to have dessert. It kind of depends on the child and if they're like, no, fine, I don't want ice cream and okay, yeah, natural consequences and you can do that. So, one of the most frustrating things is our own emotions we get so invested in like you will, you know, you're going to have a try, but you're going to sit here for the next hour, OK? And then it becomes this battle, and all of a sudden, the problem becomes more important than the person, the relationship. And so, I'm not saying, given every time to that child and say, OK, you don't have to do that and so I would like you to try. You know, you can have a try bite, they simply refuse, maybe they're not in a good spot and if, again, if they're a young child and they start throwing themselves out and I want to get down and you're I know you're staying there to you, that can lead to frustration. And ultimately us losing it with them and work forcing them down and we're trying to put this green bean up their nose, right? You're going to have this dang it, you know, you just get so frustrated so rather than turning a dinnertime into a battle, sometimes, so here are some suggestions if they're old enough or whatever age and stage they're in. Invite them to help you, invite them to help you in whatever is appropriate, maybe it's setting the table with plastic cups or whatever. And maybe it's getting out the broccoli and saying, oh my goodness, let's get out this food, do you like it raw, do you like it steamed? And as much as we can, helping them be part of the decision and part of the process, something happens all of a sudden when children are part of that. They cook it and then doesn't that work, as parents like, we cook this and then you're not appreciating it. When kids help prepare, maybe they go to the grocery store to pick out the broccoli, they go home, they prepare it and maybe it's not their favorite, maybe that's not your favorite right now. And some, you know, as an adult, I have things that are not my favorite that I don't like. So, it's not letting again the reaction override the response, maybe this is a pass this time and this is maybe you're tired, you know, and they're just ah and they've had a long day and they're frustrated they're stressed. The key, honestly, is controlling what we control, and that is us, that is our response rather than a reaction to their behaviors. And sometimes it's not worth the battle and you get down and you go to bed hungry or whatever it is that we have to take all these things into consideration, their nutrition and if this is a pattern, if they're really picky, you know, over time, so, so many battles. But many answers, many, many possibilities, so try something and if it doesn't work, then maybe try the peanut butter sandwich trick. Try to help them and cook but don't let a problem to be solved become more important than a person in that relationship.
Jen: That's just a great illustration of when we can use that SNAP. Also, I mean, we can just sit there and say, stop, we're going to notice, we're then going to assess the situation and then plan or pounce. And so, I, as you were telling that I was going through that, okay, I'm going to stop. So, and I think that's one important thing for parents to understand is not to try these things in the heat of the moment. To really when things are going well, practice them so that it does become your knee jerk reaction instead of just reacting. It was good for me to go through that process through my head, as you were telling that.
Dr. Dave: Oh yeah, Jen, you know, you really nailed it in the training and I talk about a parenting pyramid you remember me talking a little bit about that. At the base of this pyramid, it's making sure you're at a good place, right? A flourishing parent at the bottom of this of this pyramid and then up from that is the parent child relationship or a couple relationship. If there's a couple of relationship making sure that's solid but the parent child relationship really is and we nurture that through love, through kindness, through gratitude, through good times. I think if I were to boil it down, building that relationship into just three principles I call it kindness, gratitude and good times. Those things will build relationship over time and children, so that relationship now is hopefully strong. And if that is strong, then they're more open to our teaching and our direction, our guidance, our suggestions and then up at the top is correction. So, we're going to still have battles, I still do right, with our teenagers. Those don't go away, but hopefully I'll be doing less correction and more connection and so I call it connection, direction, correction up at the top and hopefully investing more time at the bottom of that pyramid than always feel like, man, I feel like I'm always correcting up at the top. Then maybe it's time to reassess maybe it's time to say, you know what, my child I'm struggling with, I'm going to do 15 minutes, just a 15 minute little dedicated 100 percent time with that child. Maybe that's in the backyard, maybe that is going out to a park or doing something and say, okay, it's your 15 minutes. What do you want to do? What should we do? To which we dress up and really getting down on their level, depending on their age and what they want to do. Fifteen minutes of dedicated 100 percent, you're in it if they're playing Fortnite, okay, hey man, let's play Fortnite. You know, if they want to do makeup, maybe they want to go to a grocery store, whatever it is build that, build that relationship.
Jen: Yeah, that is one thing I had to learn when I first got married because I became, I didn't have any children of my own and I became an instant stepparent. And that connection takes a lot longer than with your biological children, I'm guessing. Just because she was nine years old when we got married, and so I had to make up for nine years of not being there and really making that connection. So, I understand how important that connection piece is so if it's important in a step relationship, it's also just as important in a biological relationship.
Dr. Dave: Yeah, that's great and it's never too late, right? Even with our kids and I've blown it we can still reach out you're right, they have their agency and they can choose to respond or not, but we can reach out and it takes time and persistence and patience.
Jen: Sometimes that patience is really hard even when you’re a stepparent, oh yes.
Dr. Dave: Yeah, lots of patience, right?
Jen: Can you? We've talked about so many great things.And I understand the reason why we have these protective factors, why they're so important for families to have. But there are some risks that if they're not present in our lives, so can you kind of explain some of those risks that happen if we don't have these protective factors?
Dr. Dave: Yeah, and I'm going to start that by we're talking about three needs. All of us have three essential needs for thriving and flourishing in this life, children have the same ones as adults. We have these as well, and they are safety, that’s physical and emotional safety. The whole COVID thing, it's, you know, a lot of people aware of safety, satisfaction in that can be learning something new, it can be going in and having a fun time, a bowl of ice cream, all that satisfaction and connection. So, safety, satisfaction and connection and what will often happen if we don't have these protective factors, they're not solved, they're not in place, then ultimately one or more of these needs will not be met. And when one of these one or more of these needs are not met, often children will do anything to try to meet these, even if it's temporarily meet the needs and we will as parents as well you know, satisfaction. Maybe we get involved in some bad habits, maybe it's some drugs or alcohol, or some maybe too much time on our phones. Or it's technoference when a parents on their phone all the time and their child's trying to get their attention. And so, so many of these can get into bad habits, we can get into addictions, other things kind of take us, take us away, ultimately, we lose out on the connection and what really matters most. In most people's lives are their relationships, that connection. And so, when these protective factors there, we're more likely to meet their safety needs and our safety needs, we're more likely to do things that are enjoyable for them and parenting will be more enjoyable for us. We're right, when you when you have knowledge of caring in child development, it sure is a lot more fun as a parent, when we kind of know ages and stages, when we have some of these were reading to our children, we're building their social emotional competencies with them. Ultimately, hopefully, that there's less of their behavior problems as well, they'll still be this. I'm not going to blame this, there's all kinds of things that lead to behavioral struggles between parents and kids. And then the connection, we will have a much more enjoyable connection, especially as they get older, this investment really does pay off of investing time from connection. And then, yeah, they're more open to direction and correction, so, yeah, all kinds of risk. If we have a solid foundation and that's what these provide for families, it’s this foundation, this buffer when times get tough? OK, how do I manage my stress? Who can I turn to? What can I read? Or can I listen to or learn? Hey, I can listen to this amazing podcast by Sarah and Jen, right? Then I can listen and learn and so we should all be by learning, growing, looking at websites, maybe wonderful podcasts, things that we can do to grow these, these five protective factors.
Sara: That is so good and I love that suggestion that you gave of just 15 minutes that you're all in, I think all of us could do better at that to set aside our phones or whatever is distracting us from being all in. And just be with our children like I said in the introduction, I left your training feeling so excited to go home and apply the things that you taught and that is how I'm feeling right now. Like, I'm ready for the end of the day that my kids are home from school, that I can just be all in and build those connections. So, what are some of the benefits for families that have these protective factors?
Dr. Dave: Yeah, that's great, I mean, it benefits them in so many ways. I mean, emotionally, right? Emotionally, we're at a better place when we have a social connection, someone to reach out to talk with, for example, a concrete support right when we can reach out. So, what it does is it's empowering and we're more resilient, so when we have these high protective factors, it doesn't mean that negative things will happen to us, but it means that we can process the negative in more healthy ways. And so, it's called the broaden and build theory, that's kind of the technical term for that. When we are positive, we can see more solutions to our problems, when there's negativity in our worlds are caving in and stress so much stress, negativity narrows. So, it makes sense, it narrows our vision we tend to see problems when we're in a negative mood where things tend to bug us, right? I don't know that that's the way for me, more things kind of irritate me, but then I recognize it, okay, irritation is an invitation, the irritation is an invitation for me to see things from a child's eyes. So, irritation is an invitation for more compassion and so that's that can be helpful for parents. And so, what this does, it benefits families because it gives them more confidence, more competence, right? I have some tools, I have some things that I can use and I feel like, okay, yeah, when my child is struggling and where they can, when they come in from the door and off the bus and they're really frustrated and tired, you know, they might need a hug. They might need an after school snack, they might just need a listening ear, the emotional mirror, grant a fantasy, what I didn't mention is make time for nine. I don't know if you remember that one and that was make time for nine. I break it down into just these short little three minutes; Three, three, three so, three minutes when your children wake up in the morning. Talk about frustration I don't know about either of you guys, but sometimes the morning time can be, feel rushed, is stressful, let's get going, kids are dragging their feet. But if we can wake up even a few minutes early, try this, some parents, depending on, you know, children ages, wake up a little bit early and sneak down and crawl into your one of your when your kids beds and just snuggle on for a few minutes. We're talking three minutes, we everyone has can set their alarm a little bit earlier for three minutes. So, start the day in a positive way, that's an important tip and that's just three minutes. When they come home from school or you come home from work the first three minutes when they get home, talk with them, make that three minutes transition times. You see what's happening? They get up in the morning, they go to school or they come home, or the three minutes when they go to bed. So, it's transitioning out of bedtime, make those three minutes, whether it's books or songs or we're doing something enjoyable with our children. Those are critical, now we're just talking little three-minute chunks and everyone has three minutes, so make time for nine. And maybe it's talking, to turn off the radio on the way to dance, piano and just talk. Ask, what's the best part of your day? So, it's these little micro moments that we can that we can do, and that's some of the benefits is that now we have more, more tools in our toolkit really is what it is to our disposal. Instead of just using our brains for every problem, we say, OK, now I've got a screwdriver and a hammer and a drill and all these other tools that I can use when times get tough.
Sara: It's just so good, I feel like a bobblehead over here, I'm just nodding everything that you say because it's so good.
Dr. Dave: Well, then I have so much fun. Let's go for another hour and a half, shall we?
Jen: You have so much great information and I can just hear that one parent or two parents or whatnot going, Oh, I will never get to that stage, I can't do all of that, and I just want to encourage people that, yes, we can just take it one little bit at a time. It's never too late to change our strategies, to learn new things, add new tools to our tool belt. So just take one little thing and just try that, just try that snap or just try the nine minutes. Just try something, and I guarantee you'll see great things come from your kids if we take the time and just try one thing. So, do you have any other resources that you can give our listeners?
Dr. Dave: Oh yeah, there all kinds of great, great stuff and you guys are where wonderful things as well. One that I have helped with recently, and it's a free, so, it's an app that helps the Maloof Foundation with its called Join Climb dot com, and the app is called Climb. And it is to help individuals’ parents, I helped with some of the parenting resources on it, but they're stuck on a diet exercise, stress, emotional struggles, anxiety, depression. I mean, it's so chock full of resources and then it's audio, a little audio clips, and there's things that they can do. Best part, we have the free version it allows you access to all these, these resources. So, if they're looking for a little resource, that's one that I that I personally helped with, I also develop over a hundred during quarantine, oh man, I don't know about you guys, but I really miss families. You know, what can I do to help rich families? And so, I created over 100 videos, I create a YouTube, I'm not very savvy, but I created a YouTube channel that I put over 100 videos for parents and families. They're just small little chunks most of them are for two minutes or a dock on how to Thrive after five. And I created a series specifically for those parents with kids ages two through six and a little playlist. And I said, OK, what are the top 20 challenges for parents ages two through six? And I created little videos and I put them up there so those they can access for free. I do stuff on Facebook, Dr. Dave USU, little tips that helps and, my favorite books, those types of things that I put on there as well. So, I know 211 is also you know through the United Way 211 is a great resource for I'm frustrated, I'm going to snap, quite literally and blow it and I need some help. So, there's resources, there's those that they can do kind of prevention and intervention. They need help right now, yeah, upliftfamilies.org another great one here in Utah they have all kinds of resources for everybody, Relationships.usu.edu that's one that where we post extension-based resources, all kinds of resources and tips and guide sheets, and helps in videos for families to use so, hopefully people can go check some of those out as well.
Jen: But I want to thank you so much, Dr. Dave, for coming and talking with us today. You've given us so many great little nuggets of information that we can take and try with our families. The one that I always try to emphasize when I'm talking to parents is the parent resilience and taking care of yourself. I think lots of parents feel like they're not worth that time, or if they give up time with their kids or their friends or the phone, or whatever it may be to take care of themselves, then they're giving up too much. And so, I think the more we can get parents to understand, take care of yourself so that you're in a better place to do all of the other things. You're going to get magical things that happen with your kids, with your families, with coworkers, things like that. Self-care is so important, so I do encourage everyone to make sure that you're taking care of yourselves that you are worth that time. I want to encourage you to just take one of these things and try them out over the next week. If you would like to reach Sarah or myself, you can reach us at parents, at TheFamilyPlaceUtah.org, or you can reach us on Facebook. Sara Hendricks Dash The Family Place where Jen Daily Dash The Family Place please also know that all of these resources that Dr. Dave shared with us will be in the show notes. So, go check them out and build your toolbox we hope you have a great day and we'll see you next time.
Sara: Thanks again for listening. The Family Place is a non-profit organization in Logan, Utah, with a mission to strengthen families and protect children. We call ourselves starfish throwers. If you're unsure what that means, refer back to our introduction episode where we explain it. The good news is you can be a starfish thrower too by subscribing to the Parents Place podcast and liking our social media pages. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with others and help us get our message out to more people. Also, be sure to check the show notes for links to information referenced in this episode. That's all for now, but we'll catch you again next time on the Parent’s Place.
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