Surely we all have had an experience with a toddler or pre-school aged child who loves to say "MINE!" While this is very developmentally normal, it doesn't make it easy as the adult or parent. Jen and Hilary guide us through some redirection ideas and other tips to help us survive the "MINE" phase of childhood.
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Jen: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast with Hilary and Jen.
Hilary: Welcome to the Parents Place podcast today so we have a question that was brought to us by a parent. I'm going to go ahead and read it out loud to you. So that you guys can smile because we've all been in this this boat and maybe some of us still are living this, this, this life right now and. If you are, I feel for you, but this is from a young mom and she says. “My daughter has been into saying mine about things that are clearly not hers. Like probably most 2-year-olds are. Is there a better way to redirect her than just saying it's not yours or is that fine to say? There seems to be a lot of information out there so it can get confusing on what to say or do.” We love 2-year-olds. Honestly, I'll tell you. It wasn't two for us. I think I've said this to you before. It wasn't two. That was the tricky one. It was 3, and I remember thinking to myself, when my kids were two, I was like, man, I'm amazing at this. Like, man, I'm the best parent people talking about when they talk about terrible twos. My child is an Angel. And then they turned 3, and then they became the devil. And I don't know for my children, it was a delayed response because it wasn't until about ag 3 that I saw those typical like terrible 2 behaviors in them.
Jen: I've met a lot of people that say the same thing. It's threes, they're harder, they're more vocal, they want to be more independent and yeah.
Hilary: Yes. Yeah.
Jen: I remember my nephew, he and I had some go rounds when I would visit him.
Hilary: It it's a little bit rough so. But you know. I have to commend this mom, and she even said it herself in her question where she said probably like most 2-year-olds and you know what? It's unfortunate, but you're very right. Then it is very normal. It is very much a stage that our children go through a phase, if you will. And I know that that's sometimes a hard answer to hear because we want to hear. No, like. I mean that something's wrong so that I can fix it. Hearing that it's a stage, it almost sometimes seems like a, you know, like, let's just put a let's just cover it with a blanket and become like nothing's wrong. But the nature of the beast is that I think most kids are exhibiting these behaviors, and so you're not alone and you're not raising a sociopath. And I don't know about you, but you know, I don't think you tend to see 14/15/16 year olds still grabbing toys and saying that's mine, right. So, to a degree I think most of our kids will grow out of it.
Jen: Yeah.
Hilary: It's frustrating in the moment, but yes, it's normal.
Jen: It's normal and but you still you don't have to say, OK, this is normal. So I'm just going to let. We want to still give them some guidance on that and so.
Hilary: Yeah, yeah. Well, so it was funny because. I was reading I was reading some information about this and this is from so it was talking to. This is a professor at Syracuse University and Doctor Alice Honing I believe is how you say her name. But she talked about. How this is often a lot of Kids' first work, I mean right? You talk about mom, Dad, ball, mine, comes pretty closely in that line. But she said that. That it's actually a good thing which we don't hear this like this the this is like a positive thing. Because she talked about how. We need kids to help to we want them to create an understanding of ownership, because you can't learn how to share unless you have that understanding of ownership. And I was like ohh, I would have never thought about it that way, but it's like it's in that like progression that this needs to come first in order to learn this step like this important step in childhood. And so she talked about identifying ownership isn't necessarily selfish that it's sign of knowledge and it's just for parents. We need to recognize that as this is a desire to understand how the world works. And I was like, cool. That's kind of cool so.
Jen: It is, especially when you stop and think
Hilary: Just say look at that smart little guy right there. Learning all these skills, you know.
Jen: That just that. Really just makes a lot of sense for me right now. Yeah, I mean. You build on top of your other block. And you can't skip a block. Yeah, because then you don't have a good foundation, you know? Yeah. Good understanding. So that I really like that.
Hilary: Yeah, I mean, she also talked a little bit about attachment and we know that attachment in those early ages is so incredibly important, but that's basically one of our primary responsibilities with our infants and our newborns is to form those attachments. But I think kids develop attachments in life with people, but also with possessions. And so she was giving the example that, you know, because attachment is so important in that stage of life, kids will see things, things that they have touched or that they've looked at or that at some point they might want and they develop that attachment of the fact that assuming everything is theirs in the world. And so it is. Like you said, it's just one of those. Like very basic core developmental stages that kids go through and we need them to go through those stages in order to develop those later blocks. But it's just that one step at a time that we have to take.
Jen: It just show it, it goes to show how important it is to learn about development. Yeah, cause the more we know, the less frustrating we'll be and we'll be able to handle it better.
Hilary: Yeah. And, you know, we've talked about this in this podcast before, but I think also in addition to understanding development, understanding the brain, right. And what's happening to our kids in their developing brain and we know that there are different portions of the brain and those different portions help aid in different things. And so, you talk about that prefrontal cortex, which is just barely beginning to be developed in those early stages of life. And that prefrontal cortex is the area of the brain that helps with judgment and decision making and impulse control and. You know, logical thinking exactly. And so, you know, knowing that that prefrontal cortex is just in those beginning stages of development, it makes complete sense. Why kids don't know how to share and how they can't process that. If I take this toy from my friend, he's going to be sad and he might cry. Right. They just don't have that cognitive ability yet. Do you even know that.
Jen: And once you do understand, I mean that portion of the brain is so important. But that is developing. And it's not done developing until you're in adulthood. And so. Having taken that into consideration of your expectations as well lots of times, we expect our children to behave in a much higher skilled development place than they're even able to. It's not them being little stinkers. It's their brain is actually not allowing them to do that, yeah.
Hilary: You know, I as I was doing a little bit of research on this topic, there was one article that I read that one of the suggestions out of many of the suggestions which we can talk about was just simply the simply the fact of find moms in your circle that our patient. That recognize that kids are kids and that kids sometimes make not so great choices, and sometimes kids are going to be rude and sometimes kids are going to throw fits and you know, it was just that idea of playing that mom circle where if your kids do start fighting. About a toy that we all recognize. OK. Like, this is just a normal, typical toddler squabble. I'm not offended by your child saying that to my child. I'm not going to internalize those words, you know? And so I do. I think it's a matter of we want to educate ourselves on. The fact that kids are kids. And they don't have the capability to always make great choices.
Jen: I also think with that it's mine. I think it's important to have something that is just theirs. And so when it is time to have a friend come over or, you know, brothers or sisters and you want them to play with that item, then put it, put it up so you don't have that issue and talk with your kids. You know, we're just going to put it in a safe space so we don't have to worry about sharing this item.
Hilary: Hmm. Yeah, I think that's super helpful. It goes back to that that idea that. That every child, regardless of their age, even our young ones. Want to feel this sense of control in the environment that they're in. And so if you're putting them in a setting where all the kids around them are taking their toys, they feel no control in the situation and they might not have. Like you said, that cognitive ability to understand that so and so was playing with my toy. They're not going to keep it forever. But. They're eventually going to give it that they may not recognize that, and so giving them some of that control and being able to say to your kids, you know, your buddy is going to come over, chances are he's going to want to play with your Hot Wheels cars because they're really cool. I'll be honest, most kids do. Are you OK sharing that toy? Or do you think that that is a toy that maybe we should put away? You know and so it's. You know, we talk about prevention. And how important prevention is. But yeah, sometimes it's sitting down with your kids and saying and just helping them to understand what the situation is going to look like and helping them to recognize. That there's going to be toys that are going to be passed around at the end of the day. All of these kids are going to go home and those toys are going to stay in our house and so if you, you know, if you're sharing those toys, know that it's only for a short period of time, but yeah. Are there any toys that maybe we should put in the closet while your friend comes to play.
Jen: Yeah, when you say prevention, prevention takes a lot less time than intervention.
Hilary: Then intervention, right than the middle, middle of the tantrum squabble that we're now trying to diffuse. Yes. And you know sometimes. Not that we, I mean we want to give our kids opportunities to share obviously, because that's a skill that. The best way to learn is to practice it, but there may also be times where maybe you just want to go to a neutral setting where the toys are communal toys. So, a park, something like that where it's not a. That's my toy. No, that's my toy. No, this is the park. So, this is a place where everybody gets to share everything and so maybe you strategically pick those places. Where sometimes we have friends come to our house, which means that we're going to be sharing our toys. Sometimes you're going to go to their house, which means that sometimes. You'll share their toys. But sometimes we're in an environment where everybody just uses everything and that's OK and I know that there are some of those times as a mom where I'm like. Do I want to fight the good fight today? I don't know. If I do.
Jen: That's OK.
Hilary: Maybe in those days those are the days where you opt for the park where you know. That you'll have a little. Easier scenario when it comes to shared stuff so. That's tricky. I don't. Remember, it was you, Jenner. If it was somebody else, that was that gave kind of the comparison, but they were talking about us as adults and if an adult were to come to us and say, hey. You have such a pretty sparkly car. Can I use it? You know, for most of us adults. We're gonna be like, no, it's. Car. It's my possession. I've worked really hard for this, so I'm not just gonna hand it over to you, but that's essentially what we do for kids. Our kids have these prized possessions, these things that they care so much about. Out and her friend comes over and we're like, hey give him the toy. He wants it, like you need to share so pass it over to him so you can imagine the emotions that they're experiencing because I think that we would roll our eyes if somebody were to ask us the same thing in an adult scenario.
Jen: Yeah, yeah, that wasn't me. But that's a great idea. To let other parents know.
Hilary: Should take it. Take claim of it, you know, and I think something that's good too to remind kids and we've kind of mentioned this to an extent that you know, as you're as you're practicing this, like sharing to make sure that you do reassure those kids that, you know, Tommy wants to play with your toy right now he's gonna play with. It for a while, but as soon as he's done. He's gonna give it back to you so that they recognize that it is. It's just a temporary thing. It's not a long term thing. But I think acknowledging those feelings. And maybe even redirecting if needs to be at the moment. So, Tommy's going to play with that. You're going to get it back as soon as you're done. What about if we go over here and we play with this toy while we wait for him to finish with that toy so that we can redirect them to something else they can do that's appropriate and hopefully get their mind off of. That but I think. Sometimes, as we know, sometimes just that validation. And just that feeling recognition is enough for your child to say, OK, it’s still mine, right? They're not leaving with it. It's still mine and it's going to be OK. I think we need to remember that.
Jen: Yeah. Important lessons for kids to learn and us to get to practice all the stuff we learn.
Hilary: Yeah. You know, Jen, I know that like this mom said in her question that there's lots of information out there of what to do or not to do and. I think one of these things that. But it's maybe a little bit controversial when it comes to like the sharing world is this idea that, you know, sometimes kids are going to ask to share toys with our kids and do you think it's OK for our kids to say no at times. Because I know that's kind of a hot topic, yeah.
Jen: I don't know. Because I feel like if we've done the steps before of prevention, you know, we know that these toys are gonna get to be. Or get to the items that really want to. Be shared if we can put those away first. I think then I don't know, like I'm thinking more. We've had that talk now they've come over and now you don't want to share anything. And. I don't think that's OK. I yeah. I don't know. They need to learn natural consequences as well.
Hilary: Yeah, and I think. That that's important to remember, to recognize, to help kids, to recognize that, you know, maybe it's a matter of pulling them aside if they do seem to be having a hard time sharing and saying to them, you know, buddy. When you're able to share your toys with other kids, do you see how it's hard for them to play with you? That's not fun, is it? When we end up being alone because we're having a hard time. And so I think, I think that's probably a good natural consequence to help them to recognize that, you know, when I choose not to share. And that's a that's a tough scenario to be in. That makes for a hard afternoon at the park, you know, and I think it's good. I mean, and obviously this may not be able to be the case with our younger kids because they may not have the cognitive ability to do so. But I mean thinking with our older kids. That sometimes, sometimes we're so quick to if a child says, hey, can I can I can I use that? Can I have that we're so quick at our kids to say give it to them. You know, they ask, give it to them and I think it's OK to also help kids understand, you know. If you're not quite done playing, it's OK to say I'm not quite done with that yet, but I'll give it to you in 5 minutes or what not, because I think sometimes as parents, we expect that they this instantaneous like hand it over. They said the magic word and so the request needs to be granted. But I think also teaching kids to have that vocabulary of. UM. I'm playing with it right now, but you can have it when I'm done. Or you. know we might need to prompt these younger kids with? Well, sweetie, you know he wants to play with that toy too, so I'm going to give you 3 more minutes to play with it, and then you're going to need to hand it over. To so and so if they're having a hard time with. It being shared. In the moment. So I think we can have some flexibility with how that plays out and setting up some boundaries associated with, you know stuff. So I think that's important too.
Jen: Agreed.
Hilary: So, I guess to this moms question. When the kids say mine. That's mine. That's my toy. That's my thing. That's my stuff. Do we need to correct them with that? And say, hey, that's not yours. If it's maybe not necessarily a toy that is or isn't theirs. Do we ignore it? Do we let it go?
Jen: I think if we the parent is in that. OK, the thing that comes to mind is your cell phone and you give it to them to play with and they're like no, I'm not done. This is mine. Yeah. No. Do you want to fight that fight? Really. You're now getting in the power control issue with a two or three or 4-year-old. So, I think it's just a going back to your values and your meals and figuring out is this one of those things that I need to fight for, or is this something that I can just let go because you want to deal with it.
Hilary: I think you're right, because I think especially those kids that are in that mind stage and saying that's mine, that's mine, that's mine about every item in the house, whether it be theirs or not be theirs. That can be really exhausting as a parent to constantly be correcting and saying. Well, that's actually my phone. Well, that's actually your brother's toy. Well, that one really is yours, and I think you know, I don't know if we necessarily need to explain every mine out there. I think there's probably. Times where if they're saying, hey, that's mine, that ignoring that behavior is probably the most appropriate, and praising them when they do, do something positive when they do have the phone back or, but I don't know if we need to provide a correction at every time that mine is issued out. We're going to be, really exhausted by the end of the day, yeah.
Jen: It's like the idea. It's like beating the horse I don't. Yeah, and you're probably not gonna like your child at that point.
Hilary: Yeah. So. So rather than continuing to, you know, try to lecture as to what the mind looks like. I think with most things in parenting, just look for the good. And when you notice the good, just reinforce that good and. Yeah. And I think the mind will probably minimize itself if we don't necessarily attract too much attention to it, honestly so. Praise when you see the positive and maybe just let the mine phase go for that given time. But yeah, the sharing tips, I think that we provided say I would focus on those focus on that modeling focus on that prevention focus on giving kids the communication that they need so that they know how to ask can I share that? Can I use that? Let me have a minute. I think just finding those opportunities even as we're playing with our kids to have that open dialogue of saying, you know what, that is your block. Can I have a turn using that block? You know, would you be OK sharing that right now? And so modeling what we would hope they would say in a social setting. With other kids their age.
Jen: Yeah. I think we've done. Or we've given a lot of good things to think about and hopefully you can try him out and. You know, let us know how it goes. We would love to hear how it goes so. Thanks for coming and being with us today and be kind and patient to yourself and we'll see you here next week.
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